Moved in with Closest Friend

darad · 10-09-2010 07:41AM

Why would you both go to her mothers to sort out whether or not your mother can visit?? After already being bullied by her over the phone about the ensuite?

CDfm · 10-09-2010 07:43AM

My impression is that you were lied to and that you were subsidising this ones lifestyle.She laid claim to it and could have who she want around and you could not.That is what you were there for.

If it comes up in any form thats what you should say and these things do so have an answer ready that she was treating it has her own so should pay all the rent and should not have gotten a sharer in if what she really wanted was her own apartment.

If her mother calls you about rent or whatever be clear about it and tell her its all her fault because of the en-suite. Dont be tempted to move back in - but if you do only on condition that you get the en-suite - as you can not possibly be in a situation where her mother gets a say over anything. You might even get a kick out of saying these things.

It was ridiculous of you to move into there is the first place with her.

Good news is that school is over and you can now set about building new friendships with people you actually like.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2010 09:30AM

When I finished school and started college, I lived with some nasty, nasty girls (and guys) that I didnt know beforehand. My only advice to you is to leave and never look back.

I remember that I was just turned 19, I use to lock my bedroom door when I went out ( all students I knew did) and this girl and her boyf took major offence to it and asked me not to lock my door, I refused, stating that we were renting and I didnt want anything stolen.

I came home from college one evening to find no-one in the house, it was November, the place was in darkness and when I got upstairs, her boyfriend had kicked in my bedroom door. It was the most upsetting thing to see. I phoned my dad, I said ' I think you better come get me'. We packed a whole car full of belongings and I never heard from them again.

Few years later, rented with a lovely crowd and we're all best buds and still are in contact.

Bullying is just unacceptable and you need to just cut the 'friend' out of your life now. Just dont have any more to do with her. Dont go to lunch, theres tons of other places you can rent and you can leave her to get a new flatmate.

Seriously, people like that do not learn easy how to live with and respect other people.

Kimia · 10-09-2010 09:33AM

This is outrageous. Correct me if i'm wrong but (aside from being a total b*tch anyway) she insults your mother and says that she's not welcome in YOUR home, and then you both run to her mother who proceeds to confirm that your mother is not allowed in YOUR home that YOU pay for under any circumstances?

And you're not sure what to do? Wow. You are being a complete doormat and I'm actually amazed that you would accept that kind of treatment from someone who you profess is a friend. Mind boggling. I don't know what to tell you - I'm too shocked that you didn't stick up for yourself and your mother when she started saying she wasn't welcome. I mean, what other boundaries is this girl going to cross before you actually stand up for yourself?

seamus · 10-09-2010 10:03AM

I wouldn't bother with lunch tbh.

You're 19, so your youthful optimism is probably making you hope that she's having lunch with you to apologise. In reality, you're going to sit down to lunch, she's going to spend the entire time telling you why she's right and you're wrong, followed by more bad-mouthing of your mother and finishing with a threat that if you don't move back in, she's going to sue you for the rest of the rent.
Her mother is presumably the only signatory to the lease, in which case the rent is her problem alone.

She's not offering lunch as an olive branch, she's offering lunch because she's unhappy that she didn't get the last word in. You having left the apartment makes her feel like she's been dumped. She wants the opportunity to dump you to feel better about herself. I'm serious, she has no intention of being nice to you today.

Make an excuse, don't meet her for lunch today and start hunting for a new place to live. Is your boyfriend in any situation to rent with you (assuming you'd be open to that!)

Oryx · 10-09-2010 10:12AM

If she is offering lunch in order to coax you back, its because she realises she will never get such a soft touch as a flatmate again. She can push you around, she will not be able to do that with anyone else, so she needs you back.

Dont go to lunch and dont move back in.

sickofwaiting · 10-09-2010 10:15AM

OP_so_upset wrote: »

Well I've just arrived home and am sitting in bed, i'm pretty down. I collected all my belongings with my brother and now we're home. She was in the living room with her boyf blaring music so she didn't hear me come in so i got everything out, until when i had my last thing with me she walked out of the living room and asked what was going on..

I told her i was moving out and that it wasn't working out and she asked why so i told her it was because she's become so bitchy that it upsets me been in her company and that i deserved to be treated better. She apologised and asked me to stay and said "i know i've been really aggressive with you lately but i don't mean it, i guess it's all the stress of moving in, we built it up to be something big and now it's just turned into a disaster, i'm sorry" basically.

I'm not really unsure of what to do. She wants to meet up for lunch tomorrow to have a chat. I really loved the apartment, it was lovely and just perfect! Just pity about the company! And now i dunno what to do because is she been sincere or?

Apologies from a person like this are always completely empty. How are you even considering if she is sincere? She will apologize to get you back on side and then she will start making a fool of you again. Just like she did in this situation, she apologizes and then goes on a 2 hour rant insulting your mother. How in the name of god could you be wondering if she is sincere? She is taking advantage of you naivety. And I'd says been doing it for years.

My mum called in today while she was out to take a look at the apartment and she phoned me to ask was i in the apartment and i said yeh and she asked "who with??" and i said "my mom", and she went BILISTIC. She said "just wait til i get there just wait etc". She then came over and took my head off telling me that she doesn't like my mom andthat my mom isn't welcome in the apartment. We argued over this for about 2 hours and i was in tears (as it was my mom she was saying nasty stuff about!) and so we then decided to call over to her mom to sort it and her mom agreed with her and said that my mom was not allowed step foot in the apartment under any circumstances and that it's her call as she signed the lease! Unreal stuff..

It's been a horrible day =[

This is just crazy stuff. Have you any idea about real friendship at all? This girl is no friend of yours. I repeat - THIS GIRL IS NO FRIEND OF YOURS. How in the name of god does she feel like she can't get away with insulting your mother? Jesus christ, if someone insulted ANY of my family members I would instantly permanently drop them as a friend and they would be lucky not to get decked.

She has obviously been at this for years if your relationship has now progresssed to the stage where she can openly insult your mother for 2 hours. She is a disgrace and people like that end up with no friends. She is living in the real world, not school now, where people don't spend time in each other's company unless they want to, and the way she's carrying on, no-one will want anything to do with her.

My advice is to tell her straight out 'We are finished as friends, you are a spoilt rotten bitch, don't EVER contact me again and tell your ma she can shove the aparment up her gee, the bitter auld cúnt'. And then never talk to her again no matter what she says. Seriously do not talk to her again from this moment on, erase her from your life. You will regret this in years to come if you don't, she will f*ck you over every opportunity she gets.

Penn · 10-09-2010 10:36AM

Id tell her that if she wants to meet, meet at your house. Then have your mother and boyfriend present. See how much of a bully she is then. Her and her mother ganged up on you. I think she needs a bit of her own medicine.

But no matter what, don't move back in with her.

CDfm · 10-09-2010 10:59AM

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Id tell her that if she wants to meet, meet at your house. Then have your mother and boyfriend present. See how much of a bully she is then. Her and her mother ganged up on you. I think she needs a bit of her own medicine.

But no matter what, don't move back in with her.

that is a very good idea to postpone the meeting but meet when and where you choose

nobody needs a bully in their life and by the way a normal person or friend would come to your house if the wanted to live with you

when you look at it -like i said you are subsidising her lifestyle so whats in it for you here

i imagine it is a shock that you have moved out as financially its gotta hurt

Taltos · 10-09-2010 11:00AM

OP

Life's too short for this type of drama.

Delete / block her number.
Don't go to lunch - just don't turn up.
If she contacts you - hang up.
If her mother calls to your door - don't open it - call the gardai if necessary if she is making a public nuisance of herself.

This person you know - one work - USER.
Don't be her doormat - it is all about her - and it always will be.

Good riddance.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2010 11:15AM

Hi all,

Having read all the comments and having listened to my family, i've decided I'm going to cut contact from her.

Just so it's clear, I haven't paid a cent yet.

The arrangement I had with her mom was that I will pay approx €800 when I get paid (next week). So there was no deposit, no nothing. However, her mom claims to have paid €150 for a parking space and €100 for a key to the apartment??? Whether it's true or not I don't want to meet her or her mom to give back the key as if i'm cutting contact I want to cut contact! Her mom and her are both very threatening people, when her dad cheated on her mom, the mom's 2 brothers went and beat the dad up, key'd his car and basically threatened his life.

Her family really are complete nutjobs. The only issue now is I'm afraid her mom will come after me for the money for the car parking space.

I feel totally con'd and I'm gutted I've been bullied out of my apartment.

And to just clear things up - I call her my best friend but inside I can't stand her, it's always been a false relationship we've had, and the reason for this been I left school and went straight into working rather than college so I never got the opportunity to meet new people/make friends. I'm a very sociable person and I'm sure i'm a lovely girl but I don't know how I'm going to make friends. I just hoped that if I stayed with her then I could meet people through her.

shoes34 · 10-09-2010 11:38AM

Good for you, I know it takes a lot of strenght but you will feel so much better inside for standing up to her and she will realise that she can't get her own way all the time.

How many nights have you stayed in the apartment, if it comes to it offer to pay a nominal amount for the time there and once you give back the key she can give it to her boyfriend or what ever poor sucker moves in with her. As for the carparking space, I'm sure if she as close to her mother as she sounds then the mother can use it when she is up giving out to the next tenant.

CDfm · 10-09-2010 11:49AM

OP -any probs with them call the Guards.

arent you so lucky you signed nothing and have no reason to meet her -put the key in an envelope and post it back -no note needed.

stories like people getting beat up and cars getting keyed are usually said to intimidate -they may be true but probably are not

at 100 euro its a very expensive key - car space maybe true but she still has it.

Penn · 10-09-2010 11:55AM

OP there is a big difference between a father cheating on his wife and a tenant leaving after feeling bullied. I'm sure others here can advise better about what you should do regarding the cost of car parking space or how much rent you owe. I would say you should probably pay the equivalent of rent you would owe (if the rent was 400 a month but you only stayed 3 weeks, pay 250 or 300).

LegacyUser · 10-09-2010 12:01PM

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

OP there is a big difference between a father cheating on his wife and a tenant leaving after feeling bullied. I'm sure others here can advise better about what you should do regarding the cost of car parking space or how much rent you owe. I would say you should probably pay the equivalent of rent you would owe (if the rent was 400 a month but you only stayed 3 weeks, pay 250 or 300).

I only stayed 2 nights!

My family told me not to pay a cent and tbh i don't think she deserves a penny.

I arrived into work late this morning, was crying all night so I have people telling me I look very tired. It's hard because people are asking how's the new apartment and I'm just smiling saying "it's going great thanks!". I've just spent the past hour on daft, so i'm going to look into sharing with someone else and hopefully makign new friends that way. It's tricky because I can't tell if the person is a student or what? That would make a huge difference as I won't make friends with a person in their 30's, well i would but i doubt a 30 year old would want to be friends with a 19 year old you know?

dearg lady · 10-09-2010 12:04PM

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

I would say you should probably pay the equivalent of rent you would owe (if the rent was 400 a month but you only stayed 3 weeks, pay 250 or 300).

agreed. Whatever about her bullying you, you still owe some amount of rent and should return the key. Don't stoop to her level. Make sure someone else is present when you hand over money, or send a cheque so there is a paper trail. After that cut contact, and start making efforts to meet new people.

Penn · 10-09-2010 12:11PM

2 nights? Bloody hell. In that case I'd say whatever you might have spent on milk or household items that you might have left there would cover you. Give her €20 if she starts moaning. Other than that, the car parking space and the key (return it to her obviously) can be used by the next tenant. Her mother signed the lease and paid for them, so you shouldn't have to pay for them. They're for the apartment, not for you. So once the key is returned, I don't think they can have anything over you.

shoes34 · 10-09-2010 12:14PM

OP_so_upset wrote: »

I arrived into work late this morning, was crying all night so I have people telling me I look very tired. It's hard because people are asking how's the new apartment and I'm just smiling saying "it's going great thanks!". I've just spent the past hour on daft, so i'm going to look into sharing with someone else and hopefully makign new friends that way. It's tricky because I can't tell if the person is a student or what? That would make a huge difference as I won't make friends with a person in their 30's, well i would but i doubt a 30 year old would want to be friends with a 19 year old you know?

Tell the people you work with especially if its upsetting you it might be affecting your work and its best to get these things out in the open. they might even know of someone looking to rent a room. At this time of year you shouldn't have any problems find a room.

Don't worry, you'll find something on daft, in the meantime do you have somewhere else you can stay?

Does this girl's mother know your family, I ask because she sounds awful to speak ill of your mother when from what I can gather it is her mother who is the monster and needs manners put on her, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2010 12:29PM

shoes34 wrote: »

Don't worry, you'll find something on daft, in the meantime do you have somewhere else you can stay? .

I have my home with my family yes. Thanks

shoes34 wrote: »

Does this girl's mother know your family, I ask because she sounds awful to speak ill of your mother when from what I can gather it is her mother who is the monster and needs manners put on her, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

She cheated on me with y boyfriend about 2 years ago and I caught them, ever since she's banned from my house. So her attitude is "Ok well if her mom is going to ban me from her house well then now's my turn to ban her mom from our house!" - Completely childish, and not only that but my mum has had a reason to ban her (aound the time she cheated on me with my boyfriend she also sent horrible texts to my mum, i also attended councilling as i was so distraught), she has no reason to ban my mum other than "it's tit for tat".

CDfm · 10-09-2010 12:43PM

shoes34 wrote: »

Tell the people you work with especially if its upsetting you it might be affecting your work and its best to get these things out in the open. they might even know of someone looking to rent a room. At this time of year you shouldn't have any problems find a room.

OP adults do not make excuses for others.

Do say to your colleagues that the house share was a nightmare and you have moved out.

My son is 20 and he has the benefit of my wayward life.:pac:

I once had a houseshare and when I came out on a tuesday morning was surrounded by 4 members of the special branch looking for my housesharer called Ludo who was a right lula. When I phoned work they said take your time. And I invited the guards in for coffee.

In your situation, you are entitled to say "oh dear, absolute nightmare and I moved out" -if anyone knows of a nice room or house share coming up let me know" . Your colleagues will think better of you and most of them willk have had similar experiences.

shoes34 · 10-09-2010 12:43PM

OP_so_upset wrote: »

She cheated on me with y boyfriend about 2 years ago and I caught them, ever since she's banned from my house. So her attitude is "Ok well if her mom is going to ban me from her house well then now's my turn to ban her mom from our house!" - Completely childish, and not only that but my mum has had a reason to ban her (aound the time she cheated on me with my boyfriend she also sent horrible texts to my mum, i also attended councilling as i was so distraught), she has no reason to ban my mum other than "it's tit for tat".

Oh my god, get rid of this girl as your friend, she's toxic - you'll find that once you have settled into a new place you will meet some lovely people who could end up being life long friends and won't treat you like she is.

ManOfMystery · 10-09-2010 12:58PM

This girl is not your friend - if anything, she's an enemy. Went with your boyfriend? Insulted your mother? Talks down to you and bosses you around?

Why you moved in with her in the first place when you have admitted the entire relationship was under a false pretence, and how she has managed to remain in your company for 2 years, I'll never know. Sorry to sound harsh but I agree with the other posters, you need to grow some backbone and tell her to f**k off out of your life. The only thing you can do with people like her is put them in their place.

HavingCrack · 10-09-2010 01:14PM

Op_so_upset wrote: »

Hi all,

Having read all the comments and having listened to my family, i've decided I'm going to cut contact from her.

Just so it's clear, I haven't paid a cent yet.

The arrangement I had with her mom was that I will pay approx €800 when I get paid (next week). So there was no deposit, no nothing. However, her mom claims to have paid €150 for a parking space and €100 for a key to the apartment??? Whether it's true or not I don't want to meet her or her mom to give back the key as if i'm cutting contact I want to cut contact! Her mom and her are both very threatening people, when her dad cheated on her mom, the mom's 2 brothers went and beat the dad up, key'd his car and basically threatened his life.

Her family really are complete nutjobs. The only issue now is I'm afraid her mom will come after me for the money for the car parking space.

I feel totally con'd and I'm gutted I've been bullied out of my apartment.

And to just clear things up - I call her my best friend but inside I can't stand her, it's always been a false relationship we've had, and the reason for this been I left school and went straight into working rather than college so I never got the opportunity to meet new people/make friends. I'm a very sociable person and I'm sure i'm a lovely girl but I don't know how I'm going to make friends. I just hoped that if I stayed with her then I could meet people through her.

OP if she or her mother threatens you in any way, shape or form call the guards right away.

seamus · 10-09-2010 01:22PM

Classic low self-esteem stuff here. This girl is/was considered your "closest friend", yet she routinely showed you no respect whatsoever and it seems to be a pattern which has been going on for years.

Mental abuse doesn't just happen in romantic relationships, it can happen in "friendships" too, where one person thinks so little of themselves that they will let someone else walk all over them out of fear that they will never be able to find another friend. Ultimately like any form of relationship abuse, it is bullying, but it takes on a whole other level of viciousness when this bullying comes from within the relationship.
Before you know it, this would have turned into full-blown domestic abuse - I'm eating your food - I'm using your shampoo - I need to borrow money - Give me money - You have to pay all the bills - My friend Joe is going to take your bed for six weeks, you're sleeping on the couch. You are well rid.

Cutting her out of your life is the best thing you can do, but it's only a first step. You need to remain strong to keep her out of your life. She will try to get back in with you, just keep reminding yourself of the horrible things that she has done to you and that she will never change. A new group of friends will help rebuild your self-esteem and I would suggest counselling of some form - if even just for the sake of talking to someone.

You are better than her and you don't need her as a friend. Never forget that.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2010 01:25PM

I just sent her mum this as she's the lease holder -

"I have moved out and will post the key to your house. I have never felt so betrayed and i dont deserve to be treated the way I have been. And "Laura", until you discipline her she'll continue to throw tantrums at people and she'll never change. It's a pity but what can you do i deserve so much better"

I'm really regretting sending it now as I wasn't tough in it and I come across vulnerable. I should have been more aggressive but it's sent now so I cant turn back, I haven't received any reply as yet..

Taltos · 10-09-2010 01:29PM

Well done OP.

Am totally with the others here.
Be honest with your colleagues and friends.
Don't go into detail - just state that you realized you made a mistake and that your friendship is now over.

Do you ever wonder if hanging around her and really held you back from making some true friends?
You are well rid - just take is slowly and don't do anything rash or agree to anything including payment. If challenged - just say you will think about it and will let them know when YOU are ready...

Bullies always go after people they consider weaker - but many times it is triggered by jealously - just look she already took a boyfriend from you...

Do not waver, don't give in - you are well and truly better off away from this poisonous user.

Neyite · 10-09-2010 01:32PM

nearly everyone who has shared accomadation has a weird flatmate story, and y'know what, once you are out of the situation, you can look back and laugh. there is even a thread in After Hours about them

your tale will be right at home here.

so tell the workmates - i would pre-empt it by going in one morning and saying 'anyone need a roomie? you'll never guess what happened - and make a big laugh out of your 'friend'.

moving in with people you dont know can be the best ever - you get to meet lots of their friends, and can meet some lifelong friends along the way.

Taltos · 10-09-2010 01:47PM

OP_so_upset wrote: »

I just sent her mum this as she's the lease holder -

"I have moved out and will post the key to your house. I have never felt so betrayed and i dont deserve to be treated the way I have been. And "Laura", until you discipline her she'll continue to throw tantrums at people and she'll never change. It's a pity but what can you do i deserve so much better"

I'm really regretting sending it now as I wasn't tough in it and I come across vulnerable. I should have been more aggressive but it's sent now so I cant turn back, I haven't received any reply as yet..

Short, sweet to the point - I like it

Regret nothing - just build on this and be happy.
Aggression here would only have gotten this escalated - by staying calm and showing you are not affect by their bullying - you show you are in control.

You are you know. Just accept it - all control is yours now....

Agent Smith · 10-09-2010 01:53PM

100 euro for a key? last key i got cut was 4 euro., and it came with a keyring

Glad you bailed. It can be awful living with people like that. I lived in a place before that got so bad that i used to not go home. i'd spend more time sleeping in my mothers then in my own!

Demeyes · 10-09-2010 02:23PM

You did the right thing moving out, I've lived with people I didn't really like before and it's horrible, whereas living with people you like is great. That girl sounds like a terrible person, let alone a good housemate.
I'd go into work and let people know you're not in the new apartment, you don't have to go into details if you don't want to but there's no point in lying about it. Also someone you work with might end up helping you find a new place.

Moved in with Closest Friend

Comments