My wife won't go down on Me

LegacyUser · 01-09-2010 10:44PM #1

I've been married for 8 years, My wife hardly ever goes down on me, all she'll do is play with me even though I always do her a favour by making her moist with my tongue. Its not as if I'm unkempt or smelly, I shave down there and I shower daily after work.

Its not that she hasn't done it, She has the odd time in the past, but usually when there's drink involved. I'd just love Her to do it more often, make it part of our everyday lovemaking. How can I approach this or even bring this up without conflict?

AnonMous · 02-09-2010 09:37AM

Some people don't like giving oral sex and if that is the case with your wife, i'd suggest not pushing the issue too much. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. I'm sure she gets you off in other ways so just go with that.

If you do decide to bring it up with her, prepare for conflict. Anyone will argue over something they don't want to do, you included.

seamus · 02-09-2010 09:51AM

Just ask her the question. Ease into it - prepare her for the fact that you're going to ask a serious question and then just say it - "I really love it when you give me a blowjob, but you don't seem to enjoy doing it. Is there any particular reason?". Don't fight her on it - she no doubt has her reasons. At least when you've said it, the air is clear - she knows that you particularly like it, and you will know where she stands. She might even make an effort to overcome her reasons for not doing it.

Hers might be a mental block - she might consider it to be a dirty or shameful act, which is why she only does it after drinking. In this case, there's not really anything you can do except to reassure her that you don't think any less of her for doing it. After that, it's up to her as to whether or not she wants to work past it.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2010 10:30AM

OP, you're not on your own there. My wife has I think gone down on me once ever and that was probably the first time we were together. She told me way back then that she hates it. The next time she went to do it, I told her there was no need if it was something that she didn't enjoy at all, I wouldn't have enjoyed it knowing she was hating every minute. I would've enjoyed it loads with exes, but hey, you can't have it all. I'm sure your wife makes up for it in other ways. If it something she doesn't like doing, why try and force the issue. And in fairness, if you're happy to go down on her, that's a completely different issue, so in my opinion, there shouldn't be a "I've done you, you should do me" attitude.

Jaxxy · 02-09-2010 11:07AM

mywifeneverdoes wrote: »

OP, you're not on your own there. My wife has I think gone down on me once ever and that was probably the first time we were together. She told me way back then that she hates it. The next time she went to do it, I told her there was no need if it was something that she didn't enjoy at all, I wouldn't have enjoyed it knowing she was hating every minute. I would've enjoyed it loads with exes, but hey, you can't have it all. I'm sure your wife makes up for it in other ways. If it something she doesn't like doing, why try and force the issue. And in fairness, if you're happy to go down on her, that's a completely different issue, so in my opinion, there shouldn't be a "I've done you, you should do me" attitude.

Completely agree with this. Just because you go down on her doesn't mean you should automatically expect reciprocation. By all means broach the subject with her, and as seamus above suggested, ease into it.

"I really love it when you give me a blowjob, but you don't seem to enjoy doing it. Is there any particular reason?"

This is a good way to approach it and it is non-confrontational. She has an opportunity then to explain why she might not enjoy doing it without feeling like she is being attacked or backed into a corner.

Have a chat about it and find out what her reasons for avoiding it might be. I think if she has a serious issue with going down on you it is a bit unrealistic on your part to expect that it can be incorporated into your "everyday lovemaking" overnight.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-09-2010 11:17AM

I dunno. I think it's just pure selfishness on some peoples parts (refusing to go down on a partner)

What's 'not liking it' got to do with anything? It's a bit of work but if the man is clean and doesn't grab your hair or push your head etc then it's hardly purgatory!

I think some people make too much of a big deal out of it. Not many women 'like it' to start with but that's kinda childish IMO.

I think it's the height of hypocrisy of her to receive and accept oral when she doesn't bother herself to do the same for you. I mean I'm sure most men don't exactly enjoy the lockjaw of going down on a woman but most get on with it and get through it.

I could understand you becoming resentful OP. I think you should stop going down on her till she sorts her attitude out.

I DON'T have any time for this attitude when applied to a normal part of the sexual repetoire:
'If you don't want to/like to do something then you shouldn't have to'
It's not a big ask.

It's not like you're asking for anything painful/deviant/unusual OP. I personally think if you've married someone they can't expect you to go through the rest of your life begging for a basic like a blow job. It's a sh!t state of affairs!

Oryx · 02-09-2010 12:07PM

Cheap Thrills, my problem with your post is your reference to oral sex as part of 'a normal sexual repertoire'. Clearly it is not for this woman.

To one person, anal sex could be normal, to someone else, an anathema. So you cannot insist that your own 'normal' needs be met if your partner finds it involves something they cannot do.

dory · 02-09-2010 12:11PM

I can't believe the attitute that it's something you have to do, not many like it but get on with it etc. Why do something you don't like? Sex is meant to be fun.

I could never enjoy being with someone knowing that they were hating what we were doing in bed, wouldn't be able to relax at all.

OP, did you know on the day you married her that she didn't like doing it?

Cheap Thrills! · 02-09-2010 12:32PM

Oryx wrote: »

Cheap Thrills, my problem with your post is your reference to oral sex as part of 'a normal sexual repertoire'. Clearly it is not for this woman.

To one person, anal sex could be normal, to someone else, an anathema. So you cannot insist that your own 'normal' needs be met if your partner finds it involves something they cannot do.

Can't or won't?

It can be just a matter of her making the effort.

A lot of people find giving head difficult at first because it takes a while to learn to breathe properly. But like anything with a little practice most difficulties can be overcome.

I think in a marriage which is for life, it's a long, long life with no sexual openness to change and grow. Giving oral sex is at the milder end of the scale of bedroom activites.

Is it really good enough to say to your partner, ah I can't be bothered to grow and develop, I just do x or y and if you don't like it lump it. Not a very good attitude to have really.

prinz · 02-09-2010 12:44PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Is it really good enough to say to your partner, ah I can't be bothered to grow and develop, I just do x or y and if you don't like it lump it. Not a very good attitude to have really.

Growing and developing have nothing to do with doing an act you don't want to do. My OH has hobbies she enjoys and would like me to participate in, I tried them but they're not my thing, am I not bothering to grow and develop if I don't participate regularly?

The OP's wife tried it. It's obviously something she doesn't like doing. Compromise could be key but it's a bit much to expect your partner to do something they don't find enjoyable on a daily (or close to) basis.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-09-2010 12:50PM

Most people do plenty of things they don't enjoy to bring pleasure to their partners. Life is not all about what you want to do and what you enjoy doing.

If that was the case no-one would get up in the mornings and go to work or do any of the other boring tasks we do.

More than likely OP doesn't exactly enjoy going down on her but he still does 'to make her moist' -sound of him.

It's pretty childish to expect to go through life only doing what you want and enjoy.

prinz · 02-09-2010 01:07PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Most people do plenty of things they don't enjoy to bring pleasure to their partners. Life is not all about what you want to do and what you enjoy doing..

...and the OP's wife occassionaly does this for him. What's the issue? Oh, I know what the issue is, he wants it basically every time.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

It's pretty childish to expect to go through life only doing what you want and enjoy.

No more childish than expecting someone to do what you enjoy every time.

StormWarrior · 02-09-2010 01:16PM

OP, just because you wash doesn't mean you smell clean down there. If you don't dry it thoroughly afterwards it could seem soggy. Youy could even have a mild fungal infection or something that is making it smell despite washing. Or maybe you just have a naturally strong body odour down there that can't be gotten rid of by washing. Especially as you say she's done it when drunk - when you're drunk you don't notice other people's smells as much.

Also what the previous poster said about grabbing her head and pushing it down, if you've done that or maybe gone too far down her throat or something, maybe that has put her off. Or maybe she doesn't like the taste if you came in her mouth.

Does she actually like it when you give her oral? Maybe she doesn't but just puts up with it or pretends she likes it. Stop giving her oral and see if she asks about it.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-09-2010 01:17PM

prinz wrote: »

...and the OP's wife occassionaly does this for him. What's the issue? Oh, I know what the issue is, he wants it basically every time.

Well, he said she's done it the odd time in the past. Yes, I see he wants her to do it more often and make it part of their everyday sex life.

So not exactly 'every time' -but that's moot anyway.

I'd have to question whether his wife is attracted to him? It's pretty hard to resist pleasing someone you love and find gorgeous. Maybe she doesn't go down because she doesn't realise he wants it so badly or maybe she's not confident without the few drinks.

I'd be pretty puzzled at a supposed love match where one partner doesn't want to go down on their partner.......if you're sexually attracted to someone why wouldn't you want to....anyway, my 2c.

prinz wrote: »

No more childish than expecting someone to do what you enjoy every time.

See above.

StormWarrior · 02-09-2010 01:20PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I'd have to question whether his wife is attracted to him? It's pretty hard to resist pleasing someone you love and find gorgeous. Maybe she doesn't go down because she doesn't realise he wants it so badly or maybe she's not confident without the few drinks.

I'd be pretty puzzled at a supposed love match where one partner doesn't want to go down on their partner.......if you're sexually attracted to someone why wouldn't you want to....anyway, my 2c.

This is a good point. Does she initiate sex ever? Maybe she doesn't fancy you any more?

lilminx · 02-09-2010 01:25PM

Thrills

I'm humoured by your approach to this to be honest. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties and as people have said on here, I wouldn't be able to 'get into it' knowing that my partner isn't comfortable doing something. It's about mutual respect and enjoyment and SHOULD be about what you want to do and enjoy doing.

Sure sometimes ye might spice things up a bit and try something new but I would always discuss with my partner if it got to a stage where I felt uncomfortable and this should always be accepted. The thoughts of a fella telling me - ah sure life isn't about doing what ye like and enjoying it, would be a red flag to me to be perfectly honest.

OP, I would echo what others here have said, in that you should have a discussion with your wife about it - and not at the stage where you're about to get intimate. Take the conversation completely out of the bedroom if you know what I mean and just begin the dialogue. It could be that your wife is nervous, unsure of how to do it, afraid she won't do it how you like it? It could be that she just doesn't like the taste. It could be any of a number of things. But talk to her, openly without judgement or expectation of it ending with her on her knees.

And to re-iterate, do not bring in 'well i go down on you' because a) you should be doing it because you enjoy it and b) so what?

Hope this helps

seamus · 02-09-2010 01:45PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I'd have to question whether his wife is attracted to him? It's pretty hard to resist pleasing someone you love and find gorgeous. Maybe she doesn't go down because she doesn't realise he wants it so badly or maybe she's not confident without the few drinks.

I'd be pretty puzzled at a supposed love match where one partner doesn't want to go down on their partner.......if you're sexually attracted to someone why wouldn't you want to....anyway, my 2c.

That's from your point of view. You could be right - it could be a matter of feedback or confidence; his wife isn't aware of how much he enjoys or it or thinks that she's no good at it.

On the other hand, it could be an actual mental block about it, where she thinks it's "icky".

I don't get your comment about having difficulty resisting pleasing someone you love. If my wife got pleasure out of me peeing on her face, I'm fairly sure that I would have to decline because it's just not a sexual exploit for me, I would be totally turned off by the experience, regardless of how much she enjoyed herself.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-09-2010 02:10PM

seamus wrote: »

On the other hand, it could be an actual mental block about it, where she thinks it's "icky".

That's like something a 4 year old would think though! She's a fully grown woman!!!

seamus wrote: »

I don't get your comment about having difficulty resisting pleasing someone you love. If my wife got pleasure out of me peeing on her face, I'm fairly sure that I would have to decline because it's just not a sexual exploit for me, I would be totally turned off by the experience, regardless of how much she enjoyed herself.

Sure, in principle the point you make is perfectly valid. Everybody is going to draw the line somewhere. However, I think it's a bit different in practice than theory....peeing on someone's face is a million miles away from fellatio.

Oral sex is sort of number 2 after intercourse, probably being the second most common act within human sexuality. If it's eliminated (this is marriage so remember this is FOR LIFE) then what's left? Plain old intercourse, it's a long life to go through on that basis if it's simply just a matter of getting over the initial teenage girl 'icky' attitude!

Oryx · 02-09-2010 02:19PM

This is drifting into a discussion on what is or isnt 'icky' sexually.

The op needs to know how to discuss oral sex with his wife in a non confrontational way. Stick to that.

StormWarrior · 02-09-2010 02:36PM

OP, also, do you eat strongly flavoured foods like garlic/onions/celery? They can make your crotch and bodily fluids smell and taste appalling. Because your face isn't near your crotch, you might not realise how strong it smells. It might be very overpowering for your wife once she gets her face down there.

Also, do you nag or pressure your wife for oral? Because if so, it's probably putting her off even more, partially because it's not a turn on to have someone begging for sexual favours, and partially because it will seem to her like you care more about your own pleasure than your wife's feelings.

Squiggler · 02-09-2010 03:26PM

Storm Warrior makes two excellent points. And either, or both, would explain why your wife is more willing to give you head after a few drinks when her inhibitions (and/or sense of smell) are decreased.

Also, it is possible that your wife finds the experience actually turns her off, making it difficult, if not impossible, for her to become aroused afterwards, rendering any further sexual activity either unengaging or uncomfortable for her. Maybe suggest trying 69 so that you can simultaneously pleasure each other. It might make her feel less self conscious about doing it.

Fittle · 02-09-2010 03:38PM

You sound like a teenager who's sulking OP. And not a man who's married 8yrs.

Why has this become an issue for you all of a sudden?

If your wife doesn't want to go down on you, leave it at that. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2010 03:45PM

To all the men here who think the OP's wife is stupid or selfish...

I'm a married woman, and I won't go down on my partner.

He will for me - I've never asked him to, nor do I expect it of him. He says he enjoys doing it. We have discussed it, and we have tried it before, and to be honest, it makes me sick.

It's nothing to do with him - it's entirely my problem. The taste, the texture, the feeling, the odour - just makes me gag before I even start. And no man wants somebody throwing up on them....do they??

Personally - yup, I've a mental block, I do find it pretty "icky". My OH has told me he'd like to try it more, but every time we try it's a complete disaster. Reading posts like "get over it" or "that's selfish" is a pretty good indication of exactly how immature people can be about this. It's not actually a god-given right. It's entirely up to the individuals involved, and if they're happy with what's in their relationship, then it's not up to anyone else to comment on it.

As for the OP, you're going to have to just talk to her about it, and tell her. Ask her does she have a problem with it, is it something about you that's putting her off? You can't be divinely inspired and neither can she....you do actually need to discuss it if you feel it's a problem.

seamus · 02-09-2010 03:53PM

Fittle wrote: »

If your wife doesn't want to go down on you, leave it at that. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties.

While you're right to a point, sexual intimacy is much better enhanced when both parties can expand their repetoire of experiences together and enjoy it in a very open and frank manner.
That doesn't mean one person doing things they don't enjoy, but it does mean that both parties should now exactly where they stand and what each person does and doesn't enjoy.

Irish people are still very guilty when it comes to enjoying themselves in the bedroom and sometimes people need to be coaxed out of their shell and encouraged to re-examine their taboos around sex. While it's unlikely that the OP's wife will dive on him after having the conversation, any mutual openness in the discussion about sex is likely to inspire her to consider what she does and doesn't enjoy, and why.

Overheal · 02-09-2010 03:53PM

StormWarrior wrote: »

OP, also, do you eat strongly flavoured foods like garlic/onions/celery? They can make your crotch and bodily fluids smell and taste appalling. Because your face isn't near your crotch, you might not realise how strong it smells. It might be very overpowering for your wife once she gets her face down there.

This is an important point. Your diet will affect how your ejaculate tastes. And her diet will affect how she tastes as well. Something to think about: how much fruit is in your diet?

stupidusername · 02-09-2010 04:02PM

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet, but is it possible the only time she does it after drinking is because she's shy about it? Maybe she feels a little embarrassed about being seen doing it and so if she does it when drunk she would feel more adventurous? Obviously it depends on the way she is with other sexual things but this is the first reason I thought of anyway.

OP when she does it (when she's drunk) does she seem to like it? Do you have to ask her to do it or does she initiate it?

darad · 02-09-2010 09:25PM

OP it doesnt sound like you like it too much either since you very kindly "do her a favour"

tinkerbell · 02-09-2010 10:39PM

If she's only doing it after drinking, then I guess it's something to do with courage or something.

You need to COMMUNICATE with your wife and ask her why she won't go down on you. It could be that she's shy / embarrassed / you smell funny / you taste funny / she just doesn't like it.

Talk to her and see. If it's not that she doesn't like it, then you can fix the problem. Otherwise you can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Perhaps instead of doing that she can use her hands instead of her mouth or something.

Princess Peach · 03-09-2010 12:07AM

I went down on my ex pretty much every time we were together, and for a long time at that, and he never once went down on me. Oh he would talk about it during the dirty texts but never fulfilled his promise. I just needed somewhere to get that out of my system

Dudess · 03-09-2010 01:34AM

I'm not having a go at anyone, but if I had a problem with giving head, I'd address it rather than just refusing to do it because I don't like it - it is nice (for both parties) to be able to pleasure your partner to such an extent.

thecapedcanine · 03-09-2010 10:33AM

What??? wrote: »

To all the men here who think the OP's wife is stupid or selfish...

I'm a married woman, and I won't go down on my partner.

He will for me - I've never asked him to, nor do I expect it of him. He says he enjoys doing it. We have discussed it, and we have tried it before, and to be honest, it makes me sick.

It's nothing to do with him - it's entirely my problem. The taste, the texture, the feeling, the odour - just makes me gag before I even start. And no man wants somebody throwing up on them....do they??

Personally - yup, I've a mental block, I do find it pretty "icky". My OH has told me he'd like to try it more, but every time we try it's a complete disaster. Reading posts like "get over it" or "that's selfish" is a pretty good indication of exactly how immature people can be about this. It's not actually a god-given right. It's entirely up to the individuals involved, and if they're happy with what's in their relationship, then it's not up to anyone else to comment on it.

As for the OP, you're going to have to just talk to her about it, and tell her. Ask her does she have a problem with it, is it something about you that's putting her off? You can't be divinely inspired and neither can she....you do actually need to discuss it if you feel it's a problem.

Im a married woman and I agree wholeheartely with this poster.
Ive tried going down on my husband loads of times, and I just dont like it. We worked it out, he told me genuinely that if I really dont like it then why on earth would he enjoy it. There are so many other ways to pleasure your partner other than this. We have a very healthy love life and always enjoy each other very very much, without me doing something I dont like. Theres so much pressure in the threads here that it should be something thats done between two people - and it was this kind of pressure that made me keep trying todo this for my husband, even though he never actually asked for it. Everyone is different, and what one person loves to do, another person would never do in a million years.

My wife won't go down on Me

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