Not invited to wedding

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 03:09PM #1

Another wedding thread!

Basically, in college I was part of a small group of friends on my course, I had other friends/boyfriends but this was sort of my 'main group' I saw every day. I've made the effort to meet up with them since, when I moved to Scotland to work a few years ago, I always made an effort to see them when I went home and so on. One of them got engaged a year ago and the wedding is in September, now I know we wouldn't be best friends but I was fully expecting an invitation! I mean, we spent hours together every day for 3 years and after college, I used to go round to hers on lunch breaks, meet up with her and the others for drinks etc. It's not like we just dropped out of contact or it was just a 'college' thing, someone to hang around with during the day.

Well, I didn't get an invitation. To make things worse, another one of the group got a +1 invite and wants to bring me along, as she doesn't have a boyfriend. I was sent a link to B&B's in the area and a guest list at a very expensive department store. Now, am I just being childish here or is this incredibly rude? I was the only one of the group not to get an invite and now they want me to spend hundreds of euro on a B&B, new outfit and expensive gift? It's not that I mind flying back from Scotland, I had been expecting to, it's not even about the money, it's the fact that I seem to be expected to buy presents and spend a fortune for a wedding I wasn't even invited to. I don't go to many, but surely the +1 generally just goes along? I've brought my boyfriend to a few family things and I took care of the present and all that, he just turned up with me! Isn't it really awkward to be the +1 of another member of the same group of friends?

What should I do?

Zen65 · 16-08-2010 04:06PM

Dilemma! wrote: »

I was sent a link to B&B's in the area and a guest list at a very expensive department store. Now, am I just being childish here or is this incredibly rude? I was the only one of the group not to get an invite and now they want me to spend hundreds of euro on a B&B, new outfit and expensive gift?

Who sent you this link?

Why was it sent?

Is it possible that the wedding invite was either (a) sent by post to an old address, or (b) sent by e-mail and stopped by your anti-virus software or your e-mail provider's junk filter?

In what form did the other friends get their invites?

Z

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 04:17PM

Well, the bride doesn't have and has never had my address in Scotland, so she'd have had to have asked me. Perhaps she used an old college email, but we're Facebook friends and she could have always asked me if I got it, or asked the other friends, who email me all the time.

It was another friend in the group who sent me the link. She wants me to be her 'date' for the wedding, so to speak! Presumably she wants me to get my own room/share a room with her at the B&B. All the other girls met up recently, so I assume the bride told her I wasn't invited, since my friend is asking me as a +1. My friend didn't explicitly tell me the bride hadn't invited me, but I brought it up a few weeks ago and she said she would ask the bride. So it looks like I'm not! I could ask what way the others received the invites but it feels very awkward. I'm sure the friend wouldn't be asking me as a +1 if she thought I had an invite.

Terri26 · 16-08-2010 05:04PM

perhaps say to your friend who invited you as a plus one that you would feel akward as you are wondering if teh bride has a problem with you since she didnt ask you to the wedding herslf. fair enough if she was trying to keep costs down but she should have said that to you.
if you feel hurt and if you don't want to go don't!

Mr Marri · 16-08-2010 05:12PM

Hay OP, yes, that is hurtfully thing to happen. But don't think there's much you can do. Maybe ask a friend to have a word with the bride to sound her out as to why you weren't invited. Other than that just steer clear and try and forget about it. In a couple of months you have forgotten about it anyway, and I doubt you'd enjoy it now anyway. Chin up.

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 05:27PM

I'm really unhappy about the whole thing. I'd told the group I'd be back in Dublin a few weeks ago, sent them e-mails well in advance and nobody wrote back. Got an e-mail from a couple of them after I'd returned home saying 'when are you coming over?' Are they kidding, like? It took this friend over 3 weeks to reply to my enquiry about the invitations, and now she seems to expect an immediate response about the +1. This friend is always going on about how busy she is, but I work, I'm doing a PhD at night and I have quite a lot of health issues on my plate, so I hardly have oodles of free time myself, but I always find time to reply promply

I'd just assume they didn't like me for some reason (what the reason is, I have no idea, I met up with most of them separately before Christmas and everything seemed fine) but then why would the one friend invite me as the +1? The way she phrased it is even really rude, pretty much 'I don't want to drag someone (a +1 date) up the country, but you know the bride, so it makes sense to ask you!'

The wedding list leaves a really bad taste in my mouth as well, I don't know whether it came from the bride or my friend decided to link it, but it comes across as pretty crass and greedy to me. At least most people actually invite you to their weddings before they start asking for expensive gifts.

So am I being selfish here or am I being treated really, really badly? I kind of feel that this is the last straw after multiple occasions of not bothering with me. I think maybe they resent that I moved away but that's not my fault! I've always made an effort to keep in touch and arrange stuff. I do sometimes feel that they could be jealous of me, from comments they sometimes make, I think they think I have the Life of Riley here - if only they knew!

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 06:39PM

OP, There is no way I would go.

You clearly havent been invited so I def wouldnt go as a plus 1. I think it would be really embarassing to show up when the bride doesnt want you there (for whatever reason)

If people are sending you links to wedding lists, simply tell them you havent been invited.

Likewise to your friend who asked you as her plus 1, simply tell her as you werent invoted you wouldnt feel comfortable showing up.

Maybe its an honest ,mistake on the brides behalf but I wouldnt take the chance!

Cheap Thrills! · 16-08-2010 07:16PM

The 'friend' who invited you as a +1 must be a bit thick or totally insensitive....it's just sh!tty carry on.

If I were you I'd decline the +1 and stuff the lot of them. I can't understand how people could be so rude and up themselves.

Seriously OP, swerve the whole thing. Bitter pill to swallow but you see peoples true colours sometimes.

I would be honest if asked why you are not going. If it's not a snub then it's certainly coming accross that way and you deserve an explanation.

If they hadn't invited you, bad but I suppose fair enough, but to then expect you to attend as a +1 is a fecking insult. How awkward would you feel....? It beggars belief.

Terri26 · 16-08-2010 07:19PM

the question is would you LIKE to go? it might be fun to catch up with the old gang and if fairness to your friend it is good to bring someone who knos the bride rather than a random date as she won't have to mind you as such!
if you want to be cheeky you could sent an email back saying" wow nice gift list am glad I am just a plus one I can't afford those ha ha",
if might be fun to catch up but def say to "your date" you are getting her something small even though she didnt ask you, you woudl like to acknowledge or special day with a SMALL token

tinkerbell · 16-08-2010 08:35PM

Decline. Even if you did go, you're a plus 1 so you are in no way expected to be the one giving a present. You didn't get your own invitation so no present. This "friend" of yours doesn't sound like much of a friend to be honest.

tenchi-fan · 16-08-2010 08:51PM

Just because you spent time together outside college doesn't mean she was anything more than a college friend. Your group isn't there any more (at least you're not a part of it). I reckon your college friend was making a big list of people to invite and you just didn't make the cut.. as a result of falling out of contact and a cost saving measure. I think you're taking it too personally. It happens the whole time.

As for going as a +1... personally, I wouldn't. As you point out it would be costly and a lot of effort for someone who decided not to invite you.

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 09:26PM

OK, I'm glad I'm not just being oversensitive. I mean, perhaps the bride assumes I won't go because I'm in Scotland, but I don't understand why she didn't invite me and let me decide for myself? In response to would I like to go, well I have a lot going on, and I can't really afford it, but would have liked to have caught up with people and seen my friend get married, yeah. I just can't understand why she didn't invite me.

What should I say? I don't want to be too mean in case this is all a genuine misunderstanding (perhaps the bride figured that I wouldn't be attending but told my other friend I could go with her no problem if I wanted to?) and I know the groom has had a lot of personal issues in the last year, perhaps I am being a bit selfish by expecting them to consider me, but still, I thought they would. I am really annoyed with the other friend for sending me that list, but she has always been quite insensitive. I can't work out if it's some sort of horrible jibe or she honestly thinks I'd go as her +1 and buy the couple a gift!

tenchi-fan, the problem is she wasn't 'just' a college friend. We've kept in contact since, the same small group of girls. I'm the only one not invited from the group. The bride was fundraising for one of those holidays disguised as charity trips about 18 months ago, and I helped her out loads, did bag packing for her, organised sessions with paid entry. I feel like I was good enough to be her friend then, but not now that it'll cost her a few extra euro. I've reached out to her on Facebook and didn't really get a reply. She has lots of friends, I suppose she thinks I don't 'make the cut' anymore as you say. Yet, I get invited to anything where she wants volunteers for her church group or people to help out with stuff. I guess, as I suspected, I'm not valued by any of them.

Kidchameleon · 16-08-2010 10:18PM

Hurtful situation OP. Personally, I would try to figure out exactly why you haven't received an invitation. There could be a number of reasons. But if its what it looks like, I would not go.

Good Luck.

tinkerbell · 16-08-2010 10:22PM

The bride then clearly doesn't value your friendship. And if that were me, then I wouldn't go to the wedding, and I wouldn't send a gift either. If she's just gonna ignore you, then you ignore her. I'm sure you've got better things to be doing in Scotland anyway than going to a wedding where you weren't on the actual guest list.

katie99 · 16-08-2010 10:38PM

No way should you go to the wedding as a guest of a friend.
No way should you buy the bride a present.
No way should you feel awkward about not getting an invite.

Tell your friends who have been asked to the wedding that you weren't invited.Tell the girl who asked you to accompany her as her guest that you have to decline.

Seems the bride doesn't regard you highly enough.

Similar thing happened to me a few years ago. Bride was getting married in Dundrum House, Tipperary and invited all of her friends except me and an other girl.

I was invited to the afters that night!!! Would you Adam and Eve it? The afters of a wedding in Tipperary. I was expected to travel down by myself, organise accommodation by myself, and turn up like a second class citizen.

I told the bride I don't do seconds. She was hurt and said she couldn't invite everybody to the wedding. That would have been acceptable had she invited all her friends to the afters. But she selected the choosen few to the wedding itself and my and another girl were the ones who drew the short straw.
I'm still friends with the bride but she cringes when weddings come up.
I've since been to three weddings of friends who attended the bride's.

Defo don't go.

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 12:06AM

No way would I go - can you imagine how you'd feel all day knowing that you weren't really wanted there? I'd be paranoid, uncomfortable and downright sorry I went. The friend who asked you as her +1 must be insane not to understand that - but at the same time it does say to me that the bride doesn't really have anything against you - i.e. they haven't all been bitching about you or anything; she wouldn't have asked you if that was the case.

I'd send a card (empty!) to wish her well and save face, and leave it at that. Sorry to hear you've been put through that, it's really hurtful and I can completely understand why you're upset! Also, make yourself a little less available when she next calls upon you for help, she can't have it both ways. Good luck

doctor evil · 17-08-2010 04:40AM

I wouldn't go, you can always send her a card.

I don't think you are over reacting at all, spend the money that would have been spent on flights/accomadation etc on something for yourself.

dillodaffs · 17-08-2010 09:21AM

Unregistered wrote: »

No way would I go - can you imagine how you'd feel all day knowing that you weren't really wanted there? I'd be paranoid, uncomfortable and downright sorry I went. The friend who asked you as her +1 must be insane not to understand that - but at the same time it does say to me that the bride doesn't really have anything against you - i.e. they haven't all been bitching about you or anything; she wouldn't have asked you if that was the case.

I'd send a card (empty!) to wish her well and save face, and leave it at that. Sorry to hear you've been put through that, it's really hurtful and I can completely understand why you're upset! Also, make yourself a little less available when she next calls upon you for help, she can't have it both ways. Good luck

I totally agree with this... do not go, send a card wishing good luck, and be unavailable.

Jagera · 17-08-2010 09:30AM

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

If it turns out you were not invited, I would be pretty unhappy with that. I would DEFINITELY not take up the +1 option.

Whatever the situation is - nip it in the bud asap. Ask your friends questions, about why you weren't invited. If you get no answers, I'd even give the bride a call & maybe quietly ask her why. But whatever reason don't forget its her choice and her wedding - even though it sucks for you.

If it doesn't get cleared up, it will be one of those ugly situations that will drag on for years, as no-one was up front about it.

Good luck, and lets just hope its a misunderstanding.

seamus · 17-08-2010 09:45AM

bw wrote: »

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

+1000

A friend of my wife's never received her wedding invite (despite us having hand-delivered it) and was agonising for weeks about it; She genuinely thought that she hadn't been invited and didn't know what to say to my wife.

Eventually all the girls told her that there was no way she wasn't invited, so one of them said it to my wife, who rang the girl directly and assured her that she was invited.

Assuming that nothing has happened between you and the bride and you're not an ex of her husband's, then check with your friend if she asked the bride whether or not you were invited. If she has gotten confirmation that you definitely weren't invited then don't go, for the sake of your own dignity.

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 09:47AM

bw wrote: »

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

If it turns out you were not invited, I would be pretty unhappy with that. I would DEFINITELY not take up the +1 option.

Whatever the situation is - nip it in the bud asap. Ask your friends questions, about why you weren't invited. If you get no answers, I'd even give the bride a call & maybe quietly ask her why. But whatever reason don't forget its her choice and her wedding - even though it sucks for you.

If it doesn't get cleared up, it will be one of those ugly situations that will drag on for years, as no-one was up front about it.

Good luck, and lets just hope its a misunderstanding.

I'd assume it was a misunderstanding but I know the bride doesn't have my postal address and neither do our other friends. I said to the friend who invited me as a +1 that I hadn't had an invitation and she said she was seeing the bride that weekend and would ask. Then I get this e-mail. Surely she would have said something like 'you should have got yours by now'? And if she knew I was invited, she wouldn't have asked me as her guest?

I think calling the bride is a bit aggressive, as you said it's her wedding and I don't want to put her on the spot. It's not so much the fact I wasn't invited that bothers me (although I do think it's very odd), it's the +1 thing. And also that the bride/our friends can't have assumed I wouldn't travel there because they're now expecting me to go as the other friend's guest. I mean, sure, I haven't seen as much as the bride as they rest of the group, but they hardly meet up that often either and they're in the same city!

To be honest, this is sort of the last straw, as I feel like they really don't make any effort. Like I said, I emailed them about going to Dublin and they just never got back to me, so I went there still not knowing what was going on and ended up just visiting relatives and the OH's friends. It is very tempting just not to reply to the friend's e-mail and leave her hanging like she did to me. That's quite childish though and not my style but I'm quite sick of being considerate and not getting it back. I also considered telling her that I don't feel comfortable going as +1 as I wasn't invited, but that's sure to cause some gossip and bad feeling. I could easily say I can't go because I'm too busy, but then it looks like I'm the one not bothering! Agh!

seamus · 17-08-2010 10:10AM

Dilemma! wrote: »

Then I get this e-mail. Surely she would have said something like 'you should have got yours by now'? And if she knew I was invited, she wouldn't have asked me as her guest?

Stop guessing and ask her. She could have sent you this link as a way of saying, "You are actually invited, here's the details".

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 10:21AM

seamus wrote: »

Stop guessing and ask her. She could have sent you this link as a way of saying, "You are actually invited, here's the details".

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

Cheap Thrills! · 17-08-2010 11:13AM

Dilemma! wrote: »

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

There you have it then. You are an afterthought.

Stop worrying about causing 'gossip and bad feeling' -none of them worried about causing bad feeling to you. And there is bad feeling, that's not your problem, it's theirs.

Just email that 'friend' back and say you're not available. I wouldn't bother your arse sending a card or anything else seeing as they obviously didn't see fit to invite you and from what you say they are lukewarm 'friends' anyway. It would seem they view you more as an 'aquaintance' than their friend. So go with that flow. No card.

leahyl · 17-08-2010 12:00PM

Completely agree with what everyone is saying here op - these people don't seem like true friends to me. True friends don't do that sort of thing. I've had plenty of experiences like this - but that's the way it goes sometimes - you find out what people are REALLY like when incidents like this come up.

I would though (if you don't want to call her) maybe send the bride to be an email telling her that you are really hurt and confused as to why she didnt invite you to her wedding since you've been friends for years. Otherwise, like me, you'll probably analyse it forever!

I hope it works out for you:)

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 12:18PM

As someone who has been on both sides i said i'd tell you what i think.

I went to a friends wedding as +1 on another friends invite. truthfully i didnt expect to be invited but i did find it weird that this other friend was invited and i wasnt, anyway it was the bride who suggested that i be the +1 and i was happy to be.

As a bride, the invite list is a total nightmare, you are trying to balance it so as not to have too many from one side and not the other. I made my OH not invite people because he hadn't seen them in a while as he had way more people than i did, I wish i hadn't now but at the time it made sense (to me). There can also be restriction on numbers due to cost, or size of venue. Maybe the bride is getting pressure from somewhere that you don't know about.

i know you are hurt and understandably so but if you want to go to the wedding, do, don't ruin a great chance to catch up with friends if you really want to go. You don't have to buy a present from the gift registry (give 50 quid that is what i got from single people and was delighted with it or just buy something small) you can ask your friend to share a room with you.

by the sound of if your friends didn't handle it well and maybe the bride should have told you but it is so awkward I'm sure she didn't know how to.

Gyalist · 17-08-2010 12:19PM

leahyl wrote: »

I would though (if you don't want to call her) maybe send the bride to be an email telling her that you are really hurt and confused as to why she didnt invite you to her wedding since you've been friends for years. Otherwise, like me, you'll probably analyse it forever!

I hope it works out for you:)

I hope that the OP does not do this. It's as humiliating as being invited as another guest's +1. If the bride wanted her there she would have invited her and no explanations/excuses could possibly make the OP feel better about the situation. The only thing to do is to completely ignore the whole occasion (though the OP will still have to deal with seeing the photos on Facebook). Use some of the money that you would have spent on travel and a wedding present to do something special for yourself on the day.

leahyl · 17-08-2010 12:23PM

Gyalist wrote: »

I hope that the OP does not do this. It's as humiliating as being invited as another guest's +1. If the bride wanted her there she would have invited her and no explanations/excuses could possibly make the OP feel better about the situation. The only thing to do is to completely ignore the whole occasion (though the OP will still have to deal with seeing the photos on Facebook). Use some of the money that you would have spent on travel and a wedding present to do something special for yourself on the day.

Why not? If i was the OP i would want to know why i wasn't invited (make sure i didnt do anything wrong) especially since she has been friends with this girl for so long - i wouldn't just leave it lie - that would make it even more uncomfortable when they meet up after. It's obvious that the OP is very upset by this and would like an explanation as to why she wasn't invited - god knows she's been friends with her long enough. But each to their own

Jagera · 17-08-2010 12:25PM

Dilemma! wrote: »

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

You're basing your info on your friend's email response. The same friend who has invited you as the +1? In my opinion this friend is not helping the situation, and potentially making it worse.

Really, just phone the bride. You're not phoning to flat-out ask "where's my invite". Just have a chat, and just gently bring it up. In 10 minutes you will have your answer.

You can ask in a roundabout way - "Friend X said I can come as a +1, but I would feel a bit weird doing that, so I just wanted to let you know personally I'll probably not go.. " or whatever, you know her - you know what to say.

I'm still gunning for a misunderstanding. But again, if its not then you know how your relationship will proceed with these friends.

leahyl · 17-08-2010 12:29PM

bw wrote: »

You're basing your info on your friend's email response. The same friend who has invited you as the +1? In my opinion this friend is not helping the situation, and potentially making it worse.

Really, just phone the bride. You're not phoning to flat-out ask "where's my invite". Just have a chat, and just gently bring it up. In 10 minutes you will have your answer.

You can ask in a roundabout way - "Friend X said I can come as a +1, but I would feel a bit weird doing that, so I just wanted to let you know personally I'll probably not go.. " or whatever, you know her - you know what to say.

I'm still gunning for a misunderstanding. But again, if its not then you know how your relationship will proceed with these friends.

+1 - i don't like confrontation at the best of times but it has to be done otherwise (i might be wrong) you'll stress over this till the cows come home! You seem really genuine and considerate so this will probably annoy you unless you nip it in the bud!

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 12:35PM

I think I'll delete the friend soon. I realised that she'd never replied to anything I wrote on her wall, or responded to my congratulations for her birthday/engagement, never asked me how I was. Even people who really are pure acquaintances take the time to acknowledge me now and again. There isn't much point in having her as a friend so I can look at pics of all the parties and wedding stuff I wasn't invited to. Someone who can't spare 30 seconds in an entire year to write a short message or send a text really isn't a friend.

It's funny because she's really religious and is always doing church stuff, but her mentality doesn't seem very Christian to me. Seems like she's only interested in what she can get out of people (membership of her church group, helping her fundraise) when it suits her, and then dismissing them. Even the wedding list full of designer stuff and electronic goods seemed extravagant to me, given that she's always telling other people to donate money to charity and that her parents pay her rent and have bought her all the household stuff she needs, but it's her life. Oh well.

Not invited to wedding

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