Not invited to wedding

LegacyUser

Another wedding thread!

Basically, in college I was part of a small group of friends on my course, I had other friends/boyfriends but this was sort of my 'main group' I saw every day. I've made the effort to meet up with them since, when I moved to Scotland to work a few years ago, I always made an effort to see them when I went home and so on. One of them got engaged a year ago and the wedding is in September, now I know we wouldn't be best friends but I was fully expecting an invitation! I mean, we spent hours together every day for 3 years and after college, I used to go round to hers on lunch breaks, meet up with her and the others for drinks etc. It's not like we just dropped out of contact or it was just a 'college' thing, someone to hang around with during the day.

Well, I didn't get an invitation. To make things worse, another one of the group got a +1 invite and wants to bring me along, as she doesn't have a boyfriend. I was sent a link to B&B's in the area and a guest list at a very expensive department store. Now, am I just being childish here or is this incredibly rude? I was the only one of the group not to get an invite and now they want me to spend hundreds of euro on a B&B, new outfit and expensive gift? It's not that I mind flying back from Scotland, I had been expecting to, it's not even about the money, it's the fact that I seem to be expected to buy presents and spend a fortune for a wedding I wasn't even invited to. I don't go to many, but surely the +1 generally just goes along? I've brought my boyfriend to a few family things and I took care of the present and all that, he just turned up with me! Isn't it really awkward to be the +1 of another member of the same group of friends?

What should I do?

Zen65

Dilemma! wrote: »

I was sent a link to B&B's in the area and a guest list at a very expensive department store. Now, am I just being childish here or is this incredibly rude? I was the only one of the group not to get an invite and now they want me to spend hundreds of euro on a B&B, new outfit and expensive gift?

Who sent you this link?

Why was it sent?

Is it possible that the wedding invite was either (a) sent by post to an old address, or (b) sent by e-mail and stopped by your anti-virus software or your e-mail provider's junk filter?

In what form did the other friends get their invites?

Z

LegacyUser

Well, the bride doesn't have and has never had my address in Scotland, so she'd have had to have asked me. Perhaps she used an old college email, but we're Facebook friends and she could have always asked me if I got it, or asked the other friends, who email me all the time.

It was another friend in the group who sent me the link. She wants me to be her 'date' for the wedding, so to speak! Presumably she wants me to get my own room/share a room with her at the B&B. All the other girls met up recently, so I assume the bride told her I wasn't invited, since my friend is asking me as a +1. My friend didn't explicitly tell me the bride hadn't invited me, but I brought it up a few weeks ago and she said she would ask the bride. So it looks like I'm not! I could ask what way the others received the invites but it feels very awkward. I'm sure the friend wouldn't be asking me as a +1 if she thought I had an invite.

Terri26

perhaps say to your friend who invited you as a plus one that you would feel akward as you are wondering if teh bride has a problem with you since she didnt ask you to the wedding herslf. fair enough if she was trying to keep costs down but she should have said that to you.
if you feel hurt and if you don't want to go don't!

Mr Marri

Hay OP, yes, that is hurtfully thing to happen. But don't think there's much you can do. Maybe ask a friend to have a word with the bride to sound her out as to why you weren't invited. Other than that just steer clear and try and forget about it. In a couple of months you have forgotten about it anyway, and I doubt you'd enjoy it now anyway. Chin up.

LegacyUser

I'm really unhappy about the whole thing. I'd told the group I'd be back in Dublin a few weeks ago, sent them e-mails well in advance and nobody wrote back. Got an e-mail from a couple of them after I'd returned home saying 'when are you coming over?' Are they kidding, like? It took this friend over 3 weeks to reply to my enquiry about the invitations, and now she seems to expect an immediate response about the +1. This friend is always going on about how busy she is, but I work, I'm doing a PhD at night and I have quite a lot of health issues on my plate, so I hardly have oodles of free time myself, but I always find time to reply promply

I'd just assume they didn't like me for some reason (what the reason is, I have no idea, I met up with most of them separately before Christmas and everything seemed fine) but then why would the one friend invite me as the +1? The way she phrased it is even really rude, pretty much 'I don't want to drag someone (a +1 date) up the country, but you know the bride, so it makes sense to ask you!'

The wedding list leaves a really bad taste in my mouth as well, I don't know whether it came from the bride or my friend decided to link it, but it comes across as pretty crass and greedy to me. At least most people actually invite you to their weddings before they start asking for expensive gifts.

So am I being selfish here or am I being treated really, really badly? I kind of feel that this is the last straw after multiple occasions of not bothering with me. I think maybe they resent that I moved away but that's not my fault! I've always made an effort to keep in touch and arrange stuff. I do sometimes feel that they could be jealous of me, from comments they sometimes make, I think they think I have the Life of Riley here - if only they knew!

LegacyUser

OP, There is no way I would go.

You clearly havent been invited so I def wouldnt go as a plus 1. I think it would be really embarassing to show up when the bride doesnt want you there (for whatever reason)

If people are sending you links to wedding lists, simply tell them you havent been invited.

Likewise to your friend who asked you as her plus 1, simply tell her as you werent invoted you wouldnt feel comfortable showing up.

Maybe its an honest ,mistake on the brides behalf but I wouldnt take the chance!

Cheap Thrills!

The 'friend' who invited you as a +1 must be a bit thick or totally insensitive....it's just sh!tty carry on.

If I were you I'd decline the +1 and stuff the lot of them. I can't understand how people could be so rude and up themselves.

Seriously OP, swerve the whole thing. Bitter pill to swallow but you see peoples true colours sometimes.

I would be honest if asked why you are not going. If it's not a snub then it's certainly coming accross that way and you deserve an explanation.

If they hadn't invited you, bad but I suppose fair enough, but to then expect you to attend as a +1 is a fecking insult. How awkward would you feel....? It beggars belief.

Terri26

the question is would you LIKE to go? it might be fun to catch up with the old gang and if fairness to your friend it is good to bring someone who knos the bride rather than a random date as she won't have to mind you as such!
if you want to be cheeky you could sent an email back saying" wow nice gift list am glad I am just a plus one I can't afford those ha ha",
if might be fun to catch up but def say to "your date" you are getting her something small even though she didnt ask you, you woudl like to acknowledge or special day with a SMALL token

tinkerbell

Decline. Even if you did go, you're a plus 1 so you are in no way expected to be the one giving a present. You didn't get your own invitation so no present. This "friend" of yours doesn't sound like much of a friend to be honest.

tenchi-fan

Just because you spent time together outside college doesn't mean she was anything more than a college friend. Your group isn't there any more (at least you're not a part of it). I reckon your college friend was making a big list of people to invite and you just didn't make the cut.. as a result of falling out of contact and a cost saving measure. I think you're taking it too personally. It happens the whole time.

As for going as a +1... personally, I wouldn't. As you point out it would be costly and a lot of effort for someone who decided not to invite you.

LegacyUser

OK, I'm glad I'm not just being oversensitive. I mean, perhaps the bride assumes I won't go because I'm in Scotland, but I don't understand why she didn't invite me and let me decide for myself? In response to would I like to go, well I have a lot going on, and I can't really afford it, but would have liked to have caught up with people and seen my friend get married, yeah. I just can't understand why she didn't invite me.

What should I say? I don't want to be too mean in case this is all a genuine misunderstanding (perhaps the bride figured that I wouldn't be attending but told my other friend I could go with her no problem if I wanted to?) and I know the groom has had a lot of personal issues in the last year, perhaps I am being a bit selfish by expecting them to consider me, but still, I thought they would. I am really annoyed with the other friend for sending me that list, but she has always been quite insensitive. I can't work out if it's some sort of horrible jibe or she honestly thinks I'd go as her +1 and buy the couple a gift!

tenchi-fan, the problem is she wasn't 'just' a college friend. We've kept in contact since, the same small group of girls. I'm the only one not invited from the group. The bride was fundraising for one of those holidays disguised as charity trips about 18 months ago, and I helped her out loads, did bag packing for her, organised sessions with paid entry. I feel like I was good enough to be her friend then, but not now that it'll cost her a few extra euro. I've reached out to her on Facebook and didn't really get a reply. She has lots of friends, I suppose she thinks I don't 'make the cut' anymore as you say. Yet, I get invited to anything where she wants volunteers for her church group or people to help out with stuff. I guess, as I suspected, I'm not valued by any of them.

Kidchameleon

Hurtful situation OP. Personally, I would try to figure out exactly why you haven't received an invitation. There could be a number of reasons. But if its what it looks like, I would not go.

Good Luck.

tinkerbell

The bride then clearly doesn't value your friendship. And if that were me, then I wouldn't go to the wedding, and I wouldn't send a gift either. If she's just gonna ignore you, then you ignore her. I'm sure you've got better things to be doing in Scotland anyway than going to a wedding where you weren't on the actual guest list.

katie99

No way should you go to the wedding as a guest of a friend.
No way should you buy the bride a present.
No way should you feel awkward about not getting an invite.

Tell your friends who have been asked to the wedding that you weren't invited.Tell the girl who asked you to accompany her as her guest that you have to decline.

Seems the bride doesn't regard you highly enough.

Similar thing happened to me a few years ago. Bride was getting married in Dundrum House, Tipperary and invited all of her friends except me and an other girl.

I was invited to the afters that night!!! Would you Adam and Eve it? The afters of a wedding in Tipperary. I was expected to travel down by myself, organise accommodation by myself, and turn up like a second class citizen.

I told the bride I don't do seconds. She was hurt and said she couldn't invite everybody to the wedding. That would have been acceptable had she invited all her friends to the afters. But she selected the choosen few to the wedding itself and my and another girl were the ones who drew the short straw.
I'm still friends with the bride but she cringes when weddings come up.
I've since been to three weddings of friends who attended the bride's.

Defo don't go.

LegacyUser

No way would I go - can you imagine how you'd feel all day knowing that you weren't really wanted there? I'd be paranoid, uncomfortable and downright sorry I went. The friend who asked you as her +1 must be insane not to understand that - but at the same time it does say to me that the bride doesn't really have anything against you - i.e. they haven't all been bitching about you or anything; she wouldn't have asked you if that was the case.

I'd send a card (empty!) to wish her well and save face, and leave it at that. Sorry to hear you've been put through that, it's really hurtful and I can completely understand why you're upset! Also, make yourself a little less available when she next calls upon you for help, she can't have it both ways. Good luck

doctor evil

I wouldn't go, you can always send her a card.

I don't think you are over reacting at all, spend the money that would have been spent on flights/accomadation etc on something for yourself.

dillodaffs

Unregistered wrote: »

No way would I go - can you imagine how you'd feel all day knowing that you weren't really wanted there? I'd be paranoid, uncomfortable and downright sorry I went. The friend who asked you as her +1 must be insane not to understand that - but at the same time it does say to me that the bride doesn't really have anything against you - i.e. they haven't all been bitching about you or anything; she wouldn't have asked you if that was the case.

I'd send a card (empty!) to wish her well and save face, and leave it at that. Sorry to hear you've been put through that, it's really hurtful and I can completely understand why you're upset! Also, make yourself a little less available when she next calls upon you for help, she can't have it both ways. Good luck

I totally agree with this... do not go, send a card wishing good luck, and be unavailable.

Jagera

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

If it turns out you were not invited, I would be pretty unhappy with that. I would DEFINITELY not take up the +1 option.

Whatever the situation is - nip it in the bud asap. Ask your friends questions, about why you weren't invited. If you get no answers, I'd even give the bride a call & maybe quietly ask her why. But whatever reason don't forget its her choice and her wedding - even though it sucks for you.

If it doesn't get cleared up, it will be one of those ugly situations that will drag on for years, as no-one was up front about it.

Good luck, and lets just hope its a misunderstanding.

seamus

bw wrote: »

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

+1000

A friend of my wife's never received her wedding invite (despite us having hand-delivered it) and was agonising for weeks about it; She genuinely thought that she hadn't been invited and didn't know what to say to my wife.

Eventually all the girls told her that there was no way she wasn't invited, so one of them said it to my wife, who rang the girl directly and assured her that she was invited.

Assuming that nothing has happened between you and the bride and you're not an ex of her husband's, then check with your friend if she asked the bride whether or not you were invited. If she has gotten confirmation that you definitely weren't invited then don't go, for the sake of your own dignity.

LegacyUser

bw wrote: »

My first guess is that it's a misunderstanding. If you've kept in contact all the time, and the others in the group received an invitation - then I would expect that you would be invited too. I would explore that avenue first (in whatever way you see fit)

If it turns out you were not invited, I would be pretty unhappy with that. I would DEFINITELY not take up the +1 option.

Whatever the situation is - nip it in the bud asap. Ask your friends questions, about why you weren't invited. If you get no answers, I'd even give the bride a call & maybe quietly ask her why. But whatever reason don't forget its her choice and her wedding - even though it sucks for you.

If it doesn't get cleared up, it will be one of those ugly situations that will drag on for years, as no-one was up front about it.

Good luck, and lets just hope its a misunderstanding.

I'd assume it was a misunderstanding but I know the bride doesn't have my postal address and neither do our other friends. I said to the friend who invited me as a +1 that I hadn't had an invitation and she said she was seeing the bride that weekend and would ask. Then I get this e-mail. Surely she would have said something like 'you should have got yours by now'? And if she knew I was invited, she wouldn't have asked me as her guest?

I think calling the bride is a bit aggressive, as you said it's her wedding and I don't want to put her on the spot. It's not so much the fact I wasn't invited that bothers me (although I do think it's very odd), it's the +1 thing. And also that the bride/our friends can't have assumed I wouldn't travel there because they're now expecting me to go as the other friend's guest. I mean, sure, I haven't seen as much as the bride as they rest of the group, but they hardly meet up that often either and they're in the same city!

To be honest, this is sort of the last straw, as I feel like they really don't make any effort. Like I said, I emailed them about going to Dublin and they just never got back to me, so I went there still not knowing what was going on and ended up just visiting relatives and the OH's friends. It is very tempting just not to reply to the friend's e-mail and leave her hanging like she did to me. That's quite childish though and not my style but I'm quite sick of being considerate and not getting it back. I also considered telling her that I don't feel comfortable going as +1 as I wasn't invited, but that's sure to cause some gossip and bad feeling. I could easily say I can't go because I'm too busy, but then it looks like I'm the one not bothering! Agh!

seamus

Dilemma! wrote: »

Then I get this e-mail. Surely she would have said something like 'you should have got yours by now'? And if she knew I was invited, she wouldn't have asked me as her guest?

Stop guessing and ask her. She could have sent you this link as a way of saying, "You are actually invited, here's the details".

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Stop guessing and ask her. She could have sent you this link as a way of saying, "You are actually invited, here's the details".

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

Cheap Thrills!

Dilemma! wrote: »

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

There you have it then. You are an afterthought.

Stop worrying about causing 'gossip and bad feeling' -none of them worried about causing bad feeling to you. And there is bad feeling, that's not your problem, it's theirs.

Just email that 'friend' back and say you're not available. I wouldn't bother your arse sending a card or anything else seeing as they obviously didn't see fit to invite you and from what you say they are lukewarm 'friends' anyway. It would seem they view you more as an 'aquaintance' than their friend. So go with that flow. No card.

leahyl

Completely agree with what everyone is saying here op - these people don't seem like true friends to me. True friends don't do that sort of thing. I've had plenty of experiences like this - but that's the way it goes sometimes - you find out what people are REALLY like when incidents like this come up.

I would though (if you don't want to call her) maybe send the bride to be an email telling her that you are really hurt and confused as to why she didnt invite you to her wedding since you've been friends for years. Otherwise, like me, you'll probably analyse it forever!

I hope it works out for you:)

LegacyUser

As someone who has been on both sides i said i'd tell you what i think.

I went to a friends wedding as +1 on another friends invite. truthfully i didnt expect to be invited but i did find it weird that this other friend was invited and i wasnt, anyway it was the bride who suggested that i be the +1 and i was happy to be.

As a bride, the invite list is a total nightmare, you are trying to balance it so as not to have too many from one side and not the other. I made my OH not invite people because he hadn't seen them in a while as he had way more people than i did, I wish i hadn't now but at the time it made sense (to me). There can also be restriction on numbers due to cost, or size of venue. Maybe the bride is getting pressure from somewhere that you don't know about.

i know you are hurt and understandably so but if you want to go to the wedding, do, don't ruin a great chance to catch up with friends if you really want to go. You don't have to buy a present from the gift registry (give 50 quid that is what i got from single people and was delighted with it or just buy something small) you can ask your friend to share a room with you.

by the sound of if your friends didn't handle it well and maybe the bride should have told you but it is so awkward I'm sure she didn't know how to.

Gyalist

leahyl wrote: »

I would though (if you don't want to call her) maybe send the bride to be an email telling her that you are really hurt and confused as to why she didnt invite you to her wedding since you've been friends for years. Otherwise, like me, you'll probably analyse it forever!

I hope it works out for you:)

I hope that the OP does not do this. It's as humiliating as being invited as another guest's +1. If the bride wanted her there she would have invited her and no explanations/excuses could possibly make the OP feel better about the situation. The only thing to do is to completely ignore the whole occasion (though the OP will still have to deal with seeing the photos on Facebook). Use some of the money that you would have spent on travel and a wedding present to do something special for yourself on the day.

leahyl

Gyalist wrote: »

I hope that the OP does not do this. It's as humiliating as being invited as another guest's +1. If the bride wanted her there she would have invited her and no explanations/excuses could possibly make the OP feel better about the situation. The only thing to do is to completely ignore the whole occasion (though the OP will still have to deal with seeing the photos on Facebook). Use some of the money that you would have spent on travel and a wedding present to do something special for yourself on the day.

Why not? If i was the OP i would want to know why i wasn't invited (make sure i didnt do anything wrong) especially since she has been friends with this girl for so long - i wouldn't just leave it lie - that would make it even more uncomfortable when they meet up after. It's obvious that the OP is very upset by this and would like an explanation as to why she wasn't invited - god knows she's been friends with her long enough. But each to their own

Jagera

Dilemma! wrote: »

She didn't, though. She said '(Bride's name) said I can bring a guest, I don't want to drag someone all the way up the country, would you be interested in coming, since you actually know her?' Then she posted links to a B&B near the venue and the wedding list. If this was supposed to be my invitation, it's an odd invitation. I can't fathom how anyone could think that wouldn't make me feel like a second class citizen.

You're basing your info on your friend's email response. The same friend who has invited you as the +1? In my opinion this friend is not helping the situation, and potentially making it worse.

Really, just phone the bride. You're not phoning to flat-out ask "where's my invite". Just have a chat, and just gently bring it up. In 10 minutes you will have your answer.

You can ask in a roundabout way - "Friend X said I can come as a +1, but I would feel a bit weird doing that, so I just wanted to let you know personally I'll probably not go.. " or whatever, you know her - you know what to say.

I'm still gunning for a misunderstanding. But again, if its not then you know how your relationship will proceed with these friends.

leahyl

bw wrote: »

You're basing your info on your friend's email response. The same friend who has invited you as the +1? In my opinion this friend is not helping the situation, and potentially making it worse.

Really, just phone the bride. You're not phoning to flat-out ask "where's my invite". Just have a chat, and just gently bring it up. In 10 minutes you will have your answer.

You can ask in a roundabout way - "Friend X said I can come as a +1, but I would feel a bit weird doing that, so I just wanted to let you know personally I'll probably not go.. " or whatever, you know her - you know what to say.

I'm still gunning for a misunderstanding. But again, if its not then you know how your relationship will proceed with these friends.

+1 - i don't like confrontation at the best of times but it has to be done otherwise (i might be wrong) you'll stress over this till the cows come home! You seem really genuine and considerate so this will probably annoy you unless you nip it in the bud!

LegacyUser

I think I'll delete the friend soon. I realised that she'd never replied to anything I wrote on her wall, or responded to my congratulations for her birthday/engagement, never asked me how I was. Even people who really are pure acquaintances take the time to acknowledge me now and again. There isn't much point in having her as a friend so I can look at pics of all the parties and wedding stuff I wasn't invited to. Someone who can't spare 30 seconds in an entire year to write a short message or send a text really isn't a friend.

It's funny because she's really religious and is always doing church stuff, but her mentality doesn't seem very Christian to me. Seems like she's only interested in what she can get out of people (membership of her church group, helping her fundraise) when it suits her, and then dismissing them. Even the wedding list full of designer stuff and electronic goods seemed extravagant to me, given that she's always telling other people to donate money to charity and that her parents pay her rent and have bought her all the household stuff she needs, but it's her life. Oh well.

ncmc

I don't think it was a misunderstanding, sounds like bride didn't invite the OP, friend talked to the OP about the wedding assuming OP had been invited. When OP told friend she wasn't invited, friend said she'd speak to bride about it. Bride obviously said OP wasn't invited but could go as friends +1 if she wanted.

Now to me, it doesn't sound like the bride has a problem with the OP, or else she wouldn't have okay'd her as being the friends +1. It sounds to me like a number game. The OP didn't make the cut. To invite the OP, she would have had to include a +1 for the OP, so that's two extra people to invite. The bride probably thought the OP being the friends +1 was a good compromise as she would have already budgeted for the friend being two guests at the wedding. I highly doubt she did it out of maliciousness. You have no idea of her circumstances, she could be on a very tight budget, she could have limited space in her venue. Every person you invite works out being 2 people once you include the +1 and that could cost upwards of €200 by the time you include meal, supper, drinks reception etc. OP, it sounds like you aren't married, I don't think you appreciate the stress of doing a guest list. When I got married, I didn't want/couldn't afford a huge wedding, so I ended up beimg brutal with my list and not inviting a lot of people including a lot of my cousins. Where some people insulted? Maybe, but I wasn't doing it to be mean, I was doing it out of necesity.

I would think you didn't make the cut because you are not local and the bride doesn't see you as much as the other girls. I would say it was a hard choice for her to make, try not to take it personally.

As for the friend sending you the wedding list, this was pure cheeky. As a +1 you shouldn't have to contribute to the gift.

Should you go? I think if it was me, I would go. It sounds like the bride was keen on the idea of you going as a +1 of the friend, like I said previously, she saved 2 guests by not inviting you, so this works out well for her as it cuts 2 people from the guest list. It would probably make her feel less guilty about not inviting you. Cut her some slack, it's a stressful time for a woman.

Only you can decide if you want to go and if you want to contribute to the gift. But whatever you decide, try not to take it personnally, i'm sure it wasn't meant as a slight.

Jagera

Dilemma! wrote: »

I think I'll delete the friend soon. I realised that she'd never replied to anything I wrote on her wall, or responded to my congratulations for her birthday/engagement, never asked me how I was. Even people who really are pure acquaintances take the time to acknowledge me now and again. There isn't much point in having her as a friend so I can look at pics of all the parties and wedding stuff I wasn't invited to. Someone who can't spare 30 seconds in an entire year to write a short message or send a text really isn't a friend.

It's funny because she's really religious and is always doing church stuff, but her mentality doesn't seem very Christian to me. Seems like she's only interested in what she can get out of people (membership of her church group, helping her fundraise) when it suits her, and then dismissing them. Even the wedding list full of designer stuff and electronic goods seemed extravagant to me, given that she's always telling other people to donate money to charity and that her parents pay her rent and have bought her all the household stuff she needs, but it's her life. Oh well.

Well in that case, I agree with you. Best of luck.

I would refrain from sending any cards/emails/etc regarding the wedding.

lazygal

Dilemma! wrote: »

I think I'll delete the friend soon. I realised that she'd never replied to anything I wrote on her wall, or responded to my congratulations for her birthday/engagement, never asked me how I was. Even people who really are pure acquaintances take the time to acknowledge me now and again. There isn't much point in having her as a friend so I can look at pics of all the parties and wedding stuff I wasn't invited to. Someone who can't spare 30 seconds in an entire year to write a short message or send a text really isn't a friend.

It's funny because she's really religious and is always doing church stuff, but her mentality doesn't seem very Christian to me. Seems like she's only interested in what she can get out of people (membership of her church group, helping her fundraise) when it suits her, and then dismissing them. Even the wedding list full of designer stuff and electronic goods seemed extravagant to me, given that she's always telling other people to donate money to charity and that her parents pay her rent and have bought her all the household stuff she needs, but it's her life. Oh well.

OP, its sounds like you know exactly what's going on here. She is not a friend. She's a casual aquaintance who got what she needed and no longer needs you. Its a harsh but valuable lesson learned, you'll be able to spot this kind of "user" in future. I would take the high ground and send a card, but no gift, and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

ncmc wrote: »

I don't think it was a misunderstanding, sounds like bride didn't invite the OP, friend talked to the OP about the wedding assuming OP had been invited. When OP told friend she wasn't invited, friend said she'd speak to bride about it. Bride obviously said OP wasn't invited but could go as friends +1 if she wanted.

I agree.

Now to me, it doesn't sound like the bride has a problem with the OP, or else she wouldn't have okay'd her as being the friends +1. It sounds to me like a number game. The OP didn't make the cut. To invite the OP, she would have had to include a +1 for the OP, so that's two extra people to invite. The bride probably thought the OP being the friends +1 was a good compromise as she would have already budgeted for the friend being two guests at the wedding. I highly doubt she did it out of maliciousness. You have no idea of her circumstances, she could be on a very tight budget, she could have limited space in her venue. Every person you invite works out being 2 people once you include the +1 and that could cost upwards of €200 by the time you include meal, supper, drinks reception etc. OP, it sounds like you aren't married, I don't think you appreciate the stress of doing a guest list. When I got married, I didn't want/couldn't afford a huge wedding, so I ended up beimg brutal with my list and not inviting a lot of people including a lot of my cousins. Where some people insulted? Maybe, but I wasn't doing it to be mean, I was doing it out of necesity.

I do totally get that. But that's not altogether true. You don't have to invite +1s, especially if there's a group of friends. In my experience, single invites are more common. So she basically invited my friend + random stranger rather than send two single invites. And I was also thinking about if it were my wedding, and there's just no way I'd invite the whole group minus one. I'd invite them all or invite none of them. Leaving ONE person out just seems awful!

I would think you didn't make the cut because you are not local and the bride doesn't see you as much as the other girls. I would say it was a hard choice for her to make, try not to take it personally.

She hardly sees much more of the others, to be honest. She often didn't come along when we got together, I'd fly in from Scotland and she was always 'too busy' elsewhere in Dublin.

As for the friend sending you the wedding list, this was pure cheeky. As a +1 you shouldn't have to contribute to the gift.

The whole email was cheeky. She made it clear I was only invited so she wouldn't have to go on her own. I'm disappointed in this girl. I thought we were friends. We've been on holidays together twice and she made the most effort out of the group, but now she doesn't seem very bothered.

Should you go? I think if it was me, I would go. It sounds like the bride was keen on the idea of you going as a +1 of the friend, like I said previously, she saved 2 guests by not inviting you, so this works out well for her as it cuts 2 people from the guest list. It would probably make her feel less guilty about not inviting you. Cut her some slack, it's a stressful time for a woman.

I'm not even sure the bride has been consulted about me going as a +1 to be honest! I don't know exactly what was said, whether the bride suggested it or the friend as taken it upon herself to invite me.

Only you can decide if you want to go and if you want to contribute to the gift. But whatever you decide, try not to take it personnally, i'm sure it wasn't meant as a slight.

Not so much a slight, but it's really quite thoughtless. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish, but I'd like to think if I were the bride, I'd take a bit more care about this stuff. The only thing I can think is that she feels that I'm no longer part of the group, but I'm baffled as to why. Two of the girls came over to Edinburgh on separate occasions to visit me in the last 6-8 months and I'm regular contact with the girl who wants me as a +1. But that's the only thing I can think of.

I have felt in the past that the group and especially the bride looked down on me or saw me as a bit of a loser, I can't think of anything specific but there were comments here and there which made me think I was seen as the 'tag along' of the group. I really don't get it at all, as (not to sound big headed!) I have loads of friends both at home and here in Scotland and a long term boyfriend, I have a really busy life, I seem to be thought of as quite 'cool' here and people actually want to hang out with me! But my college friends seem to think I'm always available and have endless free time - in fact, I just make time for people I consider friends. It makes me angry that my mate expects me to organise flights to Ireland with about 2 1/2 weeks notice, I have a life here! But she doesn't seem to understand that I can't drop everything to be someone's back up +1. She got the invite several weeks ago, she could have at least asked me then.

Fox McCloud

I would say cut your losses with these people. You were friends, you grew apart and they decided to stop making an effort to see you. Obviously there's more incentive for you to make the effort because theres only one of you while they still have a whole gang in front of them. Divided responsability and all that..

If they no longer enhance your life, or even make it less enjoyable, then its time to cut them from your life. Treat it like an investment, you took a risk making an effort and it didnt pay off. Stop investing and dont dwell on the waste of time. It wont make you any happier.

LegacyUser

Couple of things here. I was in Australia when a good friend was getting married the week after I was due to come home at the beginning of September. She had mentioned it to me the previous Christmas so I had noted the date in my diary. An invite never came so I emailed here wondering what the story was. She told me that she knew I was coming so hadn't bothered sending an invite!! I know from talking to other people after that she was telling the truth but its fairly bizarre.

Then recently one of the college gang, big circle, was having her 40th in the UK. An invite was sent around months in advance but again I didnt get any. It subsequently transpired that she was using an old email address. But again the intention was that I was to be invited.

Finally on the other hand, another good friend of mine, a former work colleague was getting married. Didnt get an invite this time and was furious. Decided to say nothing until after the wedding. Then sent an email outlining my fury and ending the friendship. To make a long story short, the explanation given wasn't great - I didnt know any of the friends at the wedding and it would have been awkward which is true. However huge efforts have been made since to repair the friendship and it has gone from strength to strength since. I think the point Im making is that people make mistakes. But it is to be pointed out to them. It is then up to them whether or not they want to make the effort to try to repair the friendship or not

sickofwaiting

First of all, don't just turn at this wedding of someone who is a long term friend as a +1 of another friend. I see absolutely no point in attending a wedding where you are not actually wanted.

Imo, it is the height of ignorance to exclude one person out of a group that has been good friends for a long time. Especially when it's women involved as opposed to men as weddings are a much bigger deal for them and she would be well aware that she is screwing you over.

Instead of constantly fretting over it and looking for advice here you should have some pride in yourself and ring her up right now and ask her are you invited to the wedding or not. There is a chance there may have been crossed wires. If she's that yes you weren't invited, without a damn good reason, well then she thinks very little of you and is not actually a real friend at all. And in that case I would tell her good luck and to stuff her 'friendship' up her hole. Seriously have some pride in yourself, do not let people disrespect you and then sit around fretting over it - deal with the situation upfront and then move on, you will feel much better.

ceadaoin.

Dilemma! wrote: »

I think I'll delete the friend soon. I realised that she'd never replied to anything I wrote on her wall, or responded to my congratulations for her birthday/engagement, never asked me how I was. Even people who really are pure acquaintances take the time to acknowledge me now and again. There isn't much point in having her as a friend so I can look at pics of all the parties and wedding stuff I wasn't invited to. Someone who can't spare 30 seconds in an entire year to write a short message or send a text really isn't a friend.

Dilemma! wrote: »

She often didn't come along when we got together, I'd fly in from Scotland and she was always 'too busy' elsewhere in Dublin.

Dilemma! wrote: »

I have felt in the past that the group and especially the bride looked down on me or saw me as a bit of a loser, I can't think of anything specific but there were comments here and there which made me think I was seen as the 'tag along' of the group.

I don't mean to be harsh but unfortunately,all these things seem to suggest that for whatever reason, the bride doesn't like you all that much. I wouldn't go as the +1, as you said, you don't know whether your friend told the bride she was asking you along. Just send her a card and leave it at that. And next time she wants your help for her charity things make sure you're 'busy'

BettePorter

if you are 'one of the girls' then in your position i would have no hesitation in ringing her up directly and saying ' hi, just wondering whats the story, the girls all seem to have got the invites already and i'm wondering did you get my address right'?...........put her on the spot. the only one who will be morto is her and you'll get to leave the 'friendship' with a semblance of one upmanship. i have 3 separate groups of friends, some close, some closer, some i wouldn't see outside of group situation, and in those situs during weddings i've been invited to evenings of weddings on occasion, but never have i been excluded alone. i think if i were to gauge a friendship in terms of 'essential aspects to warrant a full invite' i would ask myself the question; do we have a regular contact with this person, do i know what goes on in her life and she mine on a weekly / monthly basis. if its just a case of you 'touch base' whenever you come home, you are not necessarily deemed a 'close friend'. in any case, i wouldn't go as a +1. plus 1's are nameless ppl. tell your friend to take her sister !

LegacyUser

O.P reading your posts I think you've answered your own question, you are too upset to go. After the lack of consideration these too people have shown, I wouldn't be dying to go either. Contact the +1 friend, tell her it was very kind of her to invite you but your boyfriend has an event on etc.. make something important up. Don't give the power tripping bride the satisfaction of knowing she upset you. It's not like you have to see them on a daily basis.

LegacyUser

I e-mailed the friend and told her I wouldn't be comfortable attending a wedding I wasn't invited to and that I have too much on here. I don't see it going down very well.

carolinespring

Dilemma! wrote: »

Another wedding thread!

Basically, in college I was part of a small group of friends on my course, I had other friends/boyfriends but this was sort of my 'main group' I saw every day. I've made the effort to meet up with them since, when I moved to Scotland to work a few years ago, I always made an effort to see them when I went home and so on. One of them got engaged a year ago and the wedding is in September, now I know we wouldn't be best friends but I was fully expecting an invitation! I mean, we spent hours together every day for 3 years and after college, I used to go round to hers on lunch breaks, meet up with her and the others for drinks etc. It's not like we just dropped out of contact or it was just a 'college' thing, someone to hang around with during the day.

Well, I didn't get an invitation. To make things worse, another one of the group got a +1 invite and wants to bring me along, as she doesn't have a boyfriend. I was sent a link to B&B's in the area and a guest list at a very expensive department store. Now, am I just being childish here or is this incredibly rude? I was the only one of the group not to get an invite and now they want me to spend hundreds of euro on a B&B, new outfit and expensive gift? It's not that I mind flying back from Scotland, I had been expecting to, it's not even about the money, it's the fact that I seem to be expected to buy presents and spend a fortune for a wedding I wasn't even invited to. I don't go to many, but surely the +1 generally just goes along? I've brought my boyfriend to a few family things and I took care of the present and all that, he just turned up with me! Isn't it really awkward to be the +1 of another member of the same group of friends?

What should I do?

First of all, I am sorry you are feeling so hurt. Second I just wanted to tell you about our wedding. We wrote the invitations and stamped them. It was my (now) husbands job to post them. That was fine all posted and done.

We got replys back from most people but of course a few didnt. I rang a friend 2 weeks before and asked her was she going to be able to make it. She had never received the invite and didnt thnk she was invited (and was hurt about it). Turned out the postman had put it in the door of the empty house next door to hers. Next we heard from a friend that another friend was upset as he was the only one from that group who hadnt got a invite. My OH called up to him and explained we had sent it out and all was sorted. A year later when my husband was changing his car, he found the 2nd invite under the seat. It had fallen down from where he had left all the post on the front seat. Just goes to show what can happen with invites and we only had about 80 people. Just think of the nightmare of invites for a big wedding.

So maybe talk to the bride and see whats going on. She might have sent the invite. Maybe to a old adress or to family. I have on a couple of times found that my folks forgot to pass post on to me over the years. One was for a wedding that was long over, another a 21st invite. I was hopping mad at the time as I would have liked to have gone to both. If you dont want to just ask her out right. Chat to her on FB and ask how the wedding plans are coming on and has she had many replys yet.

If it is a case of she didnt invite you, well stuff her and spent the money you would have on the wedding on something fantastic for yourself. I would not go to a wedding I was not asked to nor would I give a gift.

sickofwaiting

Dilemma! wrote: »

I e-mailed the friend and told her I wouldn't be comfortable attending a wedding I wasn't invited to and that I have too much on here. I don't see it going down very well.

I think part of your problem might be this kind of doormat attitude. Why should you care how it goes down? YOU should be livid that someone you considered a friend insulted you by inviting the rest of the group to the wedding apart from you. YOU should be pissed off that the other friend had the cheek to bring you as a +1 because it would suit her, and expects you to buy expensive gifts. They obviously didn't care how their actions went down with you. These 'friends' have treated you with complete disrespect and you are worried about how they will think that you refused the +1. Don't take that crap off anyone, if someone is making a fool out of you tell them straight out its not on.

And of course it could all be a misunderstanding and the invite was sent out but you didn't get it, the only way to know is to call the bride.

LegacyUser

Dilemma! wrote: »

I e-mailed the friend and told her I wouldn't be comfortable attending a wedding I wasn't invited to and that I have too much on here. I don't see it going down very well.

Good for you OP!! Your right not to go! I mean is this one for real? I wouldn't even be the slightest bit upset about not going, lucky escape IMO. Who sends out an expensive gift list in a recession, that in itself is ignorant.
It sounds like you have plenty of cool friends anyway why would you need these people?

cheesey1

carolinespring wrote: »

I rang a friend 2 weeks before and asked her was she going to be able to make it. She had never received the invite and didnt thnk she was invited (and was hurt about it). Turned out the postman had put it in the door of the empty house next door to hers.

So maybe talk to the bride and see whats going on. She might have sent the invite. Maybe to a old adress or to family. Chat to her on FB and ask how the wedding plans are coming on and has she had many replys yet.

I think the op said earlier (and I could be wrong) that her friend who invited her as the + one mentioned it to the bride.

I personally wouldn't go, go out and do something with your boyfriend and have a enjoyable night and forget about this girl, think of the money you have saved on wedding gift and flights home and also the price of the B&B that your friend wanted you to stay in. I went to a wedding with a friend of mine before and she wanted to pay for the B&B as I was her + one I wouldn't allow her to and I can't believe your friend had the cheek to send you the wedding list and B&B list.

katie99

ncmc wrote: »

I don't think it was a misunderstanding, sounds like bride didn't invite the OP, friend talked to the OP about the wedding assuming OP had been invited. When OP told friend she wasn't invited, friend said she'd speak to bride about it. Bride obviously said OP wasn't invited but could go as friends +1 if she wanted.

Now to me, it doesn't sound like the bride has a problem with the OP, or else she wouldn't have okay'd her as being the friends +1. It sounds to me like a number game. The OP didn't make the cut. To invite the OP, she would have had to include a +1 for the OP, so that's two extra people to invite. The bride probably thought the OP being the friends +1 was a good compromise as she would have already budgeted for the friend being two guests at the wedding. I highly doubt she did it out of maliciousness. You have no idea of her circumstances, she could be on a very tight budget, she could have limited space in her venue. Every person you invite works out being 2 people once you include the +1 and that could cost upwards of €200 by the time you include meal, supper, drinks reception etc. OP, it sounds like you aren't married, I don't think you appreciate the stress of doing a guest list. When I got married, I didn't want/couldn't afford a huge wedding, so I ended up beimg brutal with my list and not inviting a lot of people including a lot of my cousins. Where some people insulted? Maybe, but I wasn't doing it to be mean, I was doing it out of necesity.

I would think you didn't make the cut because you are not local and the bride doesn't see you as much as the other girls. I would say it was a hard choice for her to make, try not to take it personally.

As for the friend sending you the wedding list, this was pure cheeky. As a +1 you shouldn't have to contribute to the gift.

Should you go? I think if it was me, I would go. It sounds like the bride was keen on the idea of you going as a +1 of the friend, like I said previously, she saved 2 guests by not inviting you, so this works out well for her as it cuts 2 people from the guest list. It would probably make her feel less guilty about not inviting you. Cut her some slack, it's a stressful time for a woman.

Only you can decide if you want to go and if you want to contribute to the gift. But whatever you decide, try not to take it personnally, i'm sure it wasn't meant as a slight.

What other way than personally should she take it? Why should she accept being second best?
Why should she make up the numbers?
I would ask the 'bride' why she didn't invite me.
I don't agree that because she wasn't local she was out of sight out of mind so didn't make the cut.
I remember being invited to a gf's wedding on my own. I wasn't dating anyone at the time but had plenty of bfs. I declined the invitation as I felt insulted and humiliated. Imagine sitting at a table with 5 couples, me being the odd one out!
The bride to be explained the reason she didn't ask me to invite a friend was because they would be plenty of single guys there.
Three other girlfriends went to the wedding with their partners. And they pointed out that I was conspicuous by my absence.

The bride returned from honeymoon three weeks later and had a girly night in her new home. She asked me to go but again I declined on the basis that I wasn't at her wedding, she didn't show much regard for my feelings at the time.

sickofwaiting

katie99 wrote: »

I remember being invited to a gf's wedding on my own. I wasn't dating anyone at the time but had plenty of bfs. I declined the invitation as I felt insulted and humiliated. Imagine sitting at a table with 5 couples, me being the odd one out!
The bride to be explained the reason she didn't ask me to invite a friend was because they would be plenty of single guys there.
Three other girlfriends went to the wedding with their partners. And they pointed out that I was conspicuous by my absence.

What the hell? You do know it costs money to have every single person at a wedding. And you actually received an invitation to this wedding. But you didn't go because you didn't get a +1....jesus christ, you deliberately missed one of the most important days of your friends life because you didn't get a +1 on the invitation when you weren't even going out with someone. You may have been conspicuous by your absence but that was purely your fault, you were invited but you choose not to go.

The bride returned from honeymoon three weeks later and had a girly night in her new home. She asked me to go but again I declined on the basis that I wasn't at her wedding, she didn't show much regard for my feelings at the time.

You were the one out of line. Acting like some kind of diva because you didn't get a +1, even though you weren't actually dating anyone. Why do you need a +1 when you are single? Why should the bride and groom fork out an extra €60 or whatever for some random person you were not even dating? Please explain that to me. And then snubbing her again when she invited you to a party. You actually went and snubbed her TWICE.

Your situation is not comparable to the OP's, her friends treated her like crap. No-one treated you badly, in fact you were the one who let your friend down on a very important day for her.

Chinafoot

katie99 wrote: »

What other way than personally should she take it? Why should she accept being second best?
Why should she make up the numbers?
I would ask the 'bride' why she didn't invite me.
I don't agree that because she wasn't local she was out of sight out of mind so didn't make the cut.
I remember being invited to a gf's wedding on my own. I wasn't dating anyone at the time but had plenty of bfs. I declined the invitation as I felt insulted and humiliated. Imagine sitting at a table with 5 couples, me being the odd one out!
The bride to be explained the reason she didn't ask me to invite a friend was because they would be plenty of single guys there.
Three other girlfriends went to the wedding with their partners. And they pointed out that I was conspicuous by my absence.

The bride returned from honeymoon three weeks later and had a girly night in her new home. She asked me to go but again I declined on the basis that I wasn't at her wedding, she didn't show much regard for my feelings at the time.

Good lord.

I am absolutely amazed at this thread. Nobody has any right to an invitation to anyone's wedding. Acting like a child and refusing to go to your friends wedding because you didn't get a +1 is just ridiculous. Weddings are bloody expensive and unless there wasn't one person there you knew, your "humiliation" is a massive overreaction.

OP, there is very, very little in any of your posts to indicate that this girl considers you a good friend. You don't talk to each other, she doesn't reply to you on facebook, none of them made any effort to meet you when you were here, and I'm sorry but helping her with a fundraiser a year and a half ago doesn't exactly scream "bezzy mates" to me. A lot can change in 18 months and it sounds like she sees you as someone she went to college with, someone she used to know. To expect an invitation to her wedding is a bit much as far as I can see. It seems to me that you're more hurt that everyone else got an invite, but it sounds like they are all still good friends. You've moved away, made a life for yourself somewhere else and they haven't made an effort in maintaining the friendship. Its crap but it happens. There are a few people that I was once great friends with in college but I certainly wouldn't be inviting them to my wedding when I don't speak to them regularly and see them even less.

Also, I don't get why you're focusing on your other friend forwarding you the list. She's not the one that didn't invite you. Its a fair assumption that if you were planning to go you would buy a gift or at least go halves with your friend. The fact that you don't like the list is not your other friend's fault.

Stay away OP. You weren't invited because she doesn't see you as her friend anymore. Such is life.

dellas1979

I wouldnt have gone - but I wouldnt have said anything either.

i.e. Do you want to come as my +1? No thanks - leave it at that. If either of them want to know why you wont go, then you spill. If they dont bother, you know what? its apparent to me that it is their loss...

Jagera

Dilemma! wrote: »

I e-mailed the friend and told her I wouldn't be comfortable attending a wedding I wasn't invited to and that I have too much on here. I don't see it going down very well.

Well done. At least you've asked the question now. If she comes back angry, then at least you know your position with her. And by all accounts you won't be surprised, given her poor record of keeping in touch with you.

Of course, do let us know what she replies with!