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Liking a Transgender Woman

  • 19-07-2010 12:31AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all.

    I know this woman and it was only 3 months ago I found out fromm one of my friends that she was transgender. I really like her, she looks great her personality is top notch and we really click. I've known her for about 2 years now and I've liked her for those two years. My friends were talking about her one time and they all considered it 'gay' to like her. I thought that was stupid, a gay man wouldn't be attracted to someone visibly woman, with effeminate elements.

    Anyway, the two of us really get along and I think I may ask her out in the near future. The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.

    I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

    What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

    Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

    To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

    I'd like to thank all advice in advance :).


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Eebs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 259 ✭✭Eebs


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    Hi all.

    I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

    If you really really believed that you'd tell your friends to sod off and just ask her out already
    What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

    Ask her out and maybe then tell her that.
    Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

    Only if you're a woman. Then it generally means you're a lesbian/bi.

    Seriously, you may get some flack about this but do you really care? You'll be getting a lot less flack then she has had to deal with in her life about this and every relationship brings different things to the table. This is something you'll have to just deal with if you really want to make it work with her. And I can't see it being a major issue if you're just comfortable with yourself and her.
    To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

    You've pretty much answered your own question. Stop agonising over the trans thing. It'll be ok.

    Oh and if your mates are going to be assholes about someone who makes you so happy maybe you should consider new mates.


  • #3
    DubArk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 ✭✭✭DubArk


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    Hi all.

    I know this woman and it was only 3 months ago I found out fromm one of my friends that she was transgender. I really like her, she looks great her personality is top notch and we really click. I've known her for about 2 years now and I've liked her for those two years. My friends were talking about her one time and they all considered it 'gay' to like her. I thought that was stupid, a gay man wouldn't be attracted to someone visibly woman, with effeminate elements.

    Anyway, the two of us really get along and I think I may ask her out in the near future. The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.

    I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

    What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

    Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

    To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

    I'd like to thank all advice in advance :).
    • Get new friends.
    • Stop over thinking the whole situation.
    • Ask her out like you’d ask any women.
    • Wait for her to tell you about her past when she’s ready.


  • #4
    Rev Hellfire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,346 ✭✭✭Rev Hellfire


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.
    Your friends don't come into it after all its you doing the dating not them.
    Though I'd have to question your 'commitment' if the opinion of your friends comes first.


  • #5
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

    well don't treat her any differently to how you would treat any other woman, and if you go on a date, just relax and enjoy each others company

    if you want to know a few things to avoid, just don't ask about what she was like before transition, and just don't talk about the trans thing at all unless she brings it up.

    never mind what your friends think, they could probably find her very attractive themselves and wouldn't admit to it.


  • #6
    A Primal Nut
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,949 ✭✭✭A Primal Nut


    Links234 wrote: »
    well don't treat her any differently to how you would treat any other woman, and if you go on a date, just relax and enjoy each others company

    if you want to know a few things to avoid, just don't ask about what she was like before transition, and just don't talk about the trans thing at all unless she brings it up.

    never mind what your friends think, they could probably find her very attractive themselves and wouldn't admit to it.

    Unfortunately, even in typical heterosexual relationships, your friends opinion always comes into it, even if hollywood films try to convince us otherwise. We are built to look for validation from our friends whether we like it or not. Fair play to the OP if he can overcome that natural instinct.


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  • #7
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,242 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    I say go for it. If you like her then just do it. As was stated let her bring up her past if she so chooses and as for your friends, they will judge and be of an opinion. It's a perfectly hetrosexual relationship, so if your friends to have issues then find new ones if they choose not to accept your relationship.


  • #8
    Teferi
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,320 ✭✭✭Teferi


    This showed up on front page of boards and I was reminded of a very interesting thread about this on reddit a few days ago. I'm trying to find it for you now.
    DubArk wrote: »
    • Get new friends.

    This suggestion is silly. Sure, his friends hold an immature opinion but he shouldn't throw them away just because they hold stupid opinions. I doubt you would either.


  • #9
    DubArk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 ✭✭✭DubArk


    Teferi wrote: »
    This suggestion is silly. Sure, his friends hold an immature opinion but he shouldn't throw them away just because they hold stupid opinions. I doubt you would either.



    Well at the very least I had an input, where's yours??

    Except to criticize mine??
    The OP asked and I answered his request, try something similar yourself. :rolleyes:


  • #10
    Teferi
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,320 ✭✭✭Teferi


    Teferi wrote: »
    This showed up on front page of boards and I was reminded of a very interesting thread about this on reddit a few days ago. I'm trying to find it for you now.

    Here it is. Have at it. It's a very interesting read.
    DubArk wrote: »
    Well at the very least I had an input, where's yours??

    Except to criticize mine??
    The OP asked and I answered his request, try something similar yourself. :rolleyes:

    If you read my post you would have seen I was searching for a thread that may answer a lot of the OP's unanswered questions.

    I think your suggestion of getting new friends is silly because it is silly. Most (if not all) men I know would balk at the suggestion of dating a MTF transexual in public even if they would be interested privately. Unfortunately we live in a society where any percieved weakness or difference will be mocked :)


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We've arranged to go for coffee at lunchtime tomorrow, I'll ask her then. Sorry guys if I came across the wrong way, I was just a little curious. Thanks for all your responses! I'm sure my friends will be accepting, regardless of their silly opinion,If not that's their problem not mine, fúck them then.

    I have always treated her and seen her as a woman, so there's no problem there. I'm optimistic about the future, I wish you all the best!


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  • #12
    DubArk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 831 ✭✭✭DubArk


    Teferi wrote: »
    Here it is. Have at it. It's a very interesting read.

    Ta for the link.


  • #13
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

    I'd play that one by ear if I were you. I'd suggest waiting until she is comfortable and ready to tell you.

    As for your 'friends', they need to mind their own business.


  • #14
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    We've arranged to go for coffee at lunchtime tomorrow, I'll ask her then. Sorry guys if I came across the wrong way, I was just a little curious. Thanks for all your responses! I'm sure my friends will be accepting, regardless of their silly opinion,If not that's their problem not mine, fúck them then.

    I have always treated her and seen her as a woman, so there's no problem there. I'm optimistic about the future, I wish you all the best!

    that's wonderful, I hope you get on well ;)


  • #15
    Dark Artist
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 387 ✭✭Dark Artist


    This is great. Let us know how you get on!


  • #16
    Eebs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 259 ✭✭Eebs


    Yeah best of luck with it. :)


  • #17
    deirdre_dub
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭deirdre_dub


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman
    Why do you have to convince your friends of that? What are the consequences of them believing otherwise?

    May I point out that the consequences for you of your friends believing the relationship is gay are probably less than the consequences for her of the reactions her friends have had to her condition.
    should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?
    I know the majority advice you have received so far is to let her bring it up. I wouldn't be so black-and-white about it - I would say "play it by ear".

    It seems clear that at least some of the people in her wider circle (e.g. your friends) know about her past. It is possible that she may be feeling insecure about that, and so she might appreciate you bringing up the subject and saying to her what you have said above - that as far as you are concerned, she is a woman, and that's it.

    But I don't know her, so I cannot be sure.
    Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?
    I don't care. And neither should your friends. "Gay" is a label that is put on an experience - if you believe the experience is "gay", then it is gay. If your friends believe it is "gay", then it is gay for them.

    Of course, one has to ask why it is gay for them. The answer, apparently, is because they love a person for their genes?!!
    To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?
    I think the question you are asking isn't about how you should treat her (as you have already answered that question yourself - you should treat her as the woman she is) - I think you are actually asking how you should treat the subject.

    You should treat it with sensitivity. Whereas I believe you are way more clued in than the average person (and I congratulate you for that), I suspect there is still a lot you will learn about being trans should this relationship work out. So you need to approach the subject with sensitivity and with open ears and an open heart.

    The bad news is that, as you have learned, you may need courage to deal with some of your friends. The good news is that, in time, she should be able to give you good pointers on how to deal with that, as she has likely had to deal with it a lot in her own past.

    Good luck, and I wish the two of you the best! And do come back here and let us know how it went!


  • #18
    Katherine Jane
    Closed Accounts Posts: 48 ✭Katherine Jane


    If you were asking ME out, here is what I would want:

    "I fancy you, and think you are wonderful. Would you consider having dinner with me?"

    THAT would definitely work!

    Kate


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey forum. All went great! We're a couple now, friends didn't care and they respected the situation. She hasn't brought up the whole transgender thing, but thats her business. I'm sorry goes if my first post sounded a bit ignorant, I'm new to all this. And I'd agree, I shouldn't have stressed the situation, I can only imagine the pain she must have went through to get to were she is now. Thanks for all you responses!


  • #20
    reCAPTCHA
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭reCAPTCHA


    Hey forum, op here. Everything went great. We're a couple now. My friends were grand about it. I'm sorry if my first post came off as ignorant, I'm kinda new to this. I really should've taken the matter so seriously like that, I can only imagine what she had to go through to get to where she is now. Thanks guys for all your help. You all gave great advice!


  • #21
    deirdre_dub
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭deirdre_dub


    reCAPTCHA wrote: »
    Hey forum, op here. Everything went great. We're a couple now. My friends were grand about it. I'm sorry if my first post came off as ignorant, I'm kinda new to this. I really should've taken the matter so seriously like that, I can only imagine what she had to go through to get to where she is now. Thanks guys for all your help. You all gave great advice!
    That's fantastic! Thanks for getting back to us, and I dare say everyone here wishes both of you much happiness together! :D:D:D


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  • #22
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    that's wonderful ;)

    I hope you are both very happy together, and that's great about your friends being ok with everything


  • #23
    rainbow kirby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,928 ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well for you :)


  • #24
    Dr. Baltar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,252 ✭✭✭Dr. Baltar


    Excellent OP! Best of luck in the future! :)


  • #25
    Roamc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 32 ✭Roamc


    All of the luck you wish him won't take away from the deception he will face :(


  • #26
    rainbow kirby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,928 ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    Roamc wrote: »
    All of the luck you wish him won't take away from the deception he will face :(

    He's fully aware going into this relationship that the woman is trans, there is no deception going on there.


  • #27
    Roamc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 32 ✭Roamc


    rainbow kirby wrote: »
    He's fully aware going into this relationship that the woman is trans, there is no deception going on there.

    Yes, I know. If he isn't deceived and they lead a successful realationship, I might consider changing my view on a small number of transsexuals.


  • #28
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,510 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    God I know I shouldn't be feeding the troll but MY GOD YOU ARE ANNOYING!


  • #29
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    no bother trying to argue it, roamc is right, transsexuals are just really dedicated trolls :rolleyes:

    I'm only going to do something that will require me to be on medication the rest of my life, make me sterile, and open myself up for serious discrimination and risk of serious abuse or even death, all for some ****s and giggles.


  • #30
    Roamc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 32 ✭Roamc


    zoegh wrote: »
    God I know I shouldn't be feeding the troll but MY GOD YOU ARE ANNOYING!
    This will be my last off-topic post on this thread, I don't want to be the reason this gets locked too.


    I'm not a troll, I wouldn't bother myself to sink to that level and I don't find your responses amusing to myself or anything. I'm here to speak my mind and my own truth. You can say "I'm at a lower level than a troll because at least a troll might not actually be that much of a bigot in real life" or whatever. But as long as I feel at a high level, I am at a high level to me, right?
    I'm only going to do something that will require me to be on medication the rest of my life, make me sterile, and open myself up for serious discrimination and risk of serious abuse or even death, all for some ****s and giggles.

    I work with drug addicts who say stuff like that.

    And to finalise what I was trying to do in that kids ruined thread, I was just educating him through fact.


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  • #31
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    Roamc wrote: »
    I'm not a troll

    of course you are, you probably just looked at this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055974909 and saw what I said about the negative stereotype of trans women being deceivers and out to trick people, and you pretty much use the exact same words just to get a reaction. your trolling is as clear as day hon, give it up ;)


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