Liking a Transgender Woman

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I know this woman and it was only 3 months ago I found out fromm one of my friends that she was transgender. I really like her, she looks great her personality is top notch and we really click. I've known her for about 2 years now and I've liked her for those two years. My friends were talking about her one time and they all considered it 'gay' to like her. I thought that was stupid, a gay man wouldn't be attracted to someone visibly woman, with effeminate elements.

Anyway, the two of us really get along and I think I may ask her out in the near future. The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.

I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

I'd like to thank all advice in advance .

Eebs

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

Hi all.

I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

If you really really believed that you'd tell your friends to sod off and just ask her out already

What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

Ask her out and maybe then tell her that.

Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

Only if you're a woman. Then it generally means you're a lesbian/bi.

Seriously, you may get some flack about this but do you really care? You'll be getting a lot less flack then she has had to deal with in her life about this and every relationship brings different things to the table. This is something you'll have to just deal with if you really want to make it work with her. And I can't see it being a major issue if you're just comfortable with yourself and her.

To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

You've pretty much answered your own question. Stop agonising over the trans thing. It'll be ok.

Oh and if your mates are going to be assholes about someone who makes you so happy maybe you should consider new mates.

DubArk

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

Hi all.

I know this woman and it was only 3 months ago I found out fromm one of my friends that she was transgender. I really like her, she looks great her personality is top notch and we really click. I've known her for about 2 years now and I've liked her for those two years. My friends were talking about her one time and they all considered it 'gay' to like her. I thought that was stupid, a gay man wouldn't be attracted to someone visibly woman, with effeminate elements.

Anyway, the two of us really get along and I think I may ask her out in the near future. The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.

I just believe that sexuality shouldn't really matter as long as you love someone and I've really got feelings for this woman.

What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

I'd like to thank all advice in advance .

• Get new friends.
• Stop over thinking the whole situation.
• Ask her out like you’d ask any women.
• Wait for her to tell you about her past when she’s ready.

Rev Hellfire

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman, I only see her as a woman but it's clear they're a bit weary of her past.

Your friends don't come into it after all its you doing the dating not them.
Though I'd have to question your 'commitment' if the opinion of your friends comes first.

Links234

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

well don't treat her any differently to how you would treat any other woman, and if you go on a date, just relax and enjoy each others company

if you want to know a few things to avoid, just don't ask about what she was like before transition, and just don't talk about the trans thing at all unless she brings it up.

never mind what your friends think, they could probably find her very attractive themselves and wouldn't admit to it.

A Primal Nut

Links234 wrote: »

well don't treat her any differently to how you would treat any other woman, and if you go on a date, just relax and enjoy each others company

if you want to know a few things to avoid, just don't ask about what she was like before transition, and just don't talk about the trans thing at all unless she brings it up.

never mind what your friends think, they could probably find her very attractive themselves and wouldn't admit to it.

Unfortunately, even in typical heterosexual relationships, your friends opinion always comes into it, even if hollywood films try to convince us otherwise. We are built to look for validation from our friends whether we like it or not. Fair play to the OP if he can overcome that natural instinct.

L.Jenkins

I say go for it. If you like her then just do it. As was stated let her bring up her past if she so chooses and as for your friends, they will judge and be of an opinion. It's a perfectly hetrosexual relationship, so if your friends to have issues then find new ones if they choose not to accept your relationship.

Teferi

This showed up on front page of boards and I was reminded of a very interesting thread about this on reddit a few days ago. I'm trying to find it for you now.

DubArk wrote: »

• Get new friends.

This suggestion is silly. Sure, his friends hold an immature opinion but he shouldn't throw them away just because they hold stupid opinions. I doubt you would either.

DubArk

Teferi wrote: »

This suggestion is silly. Sure, his friends hold an immature opinion but he shouldn't throw them away just because they hold stupid opinions. I doubt you would either.

Well at the very least I had an input, where's yours??

Except to criticize mine??
The OP asked and I answered his request, try something similar yourself. :rolleyes:

Teferi

Teferi wrote: »

This showed up on front page of boards and I was reminded of a very interesting thread about this on reddit a few days ago. I'm trying to find it for you now.

Here it is. Have at it. It's a very interesting read.

DubArk wrote: »

Well at the very least I had an input, where's yours??

Except to criticize mine??
The OP asked and I answered his request, try something similar yourself. :rolleyes:

If you read my post you would have seen I was searching for a thread that may answer a lot of the OP's unanswered questions.

I think your suggestion of getting new friends is silly because it is silly. Most (if not all) men I know would balk at the suggestion of dating a MTF transexual in public even if they would be interested privately. Unfortunately we live in a society where any percieved weakness or difference will be mocked

LegacyUser

We've arranged to go for coffee at lunchtime tomorrow, I'll ask her then. Sorry guys if I came across the wrong way, I was just a little curious. Thanks for all your responses! I'm sure my friends will be accepting, regardless of their silly opinion,If not that's their problem not mine, fúck them then.

I have always treated her and seen her as a woman, so there's no problem there. I'm optimistic about the future, I wish you all the best!

DubArk

Teferi wrote: »

Here it is. Have at it. It's a very interesting read.

Ta for the link.

Beruthiel

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

What would be the best way to ask her out, should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

I'd play that one by ear if I were you. I'd suggest waiting until she is comfortable and ready to tell you.

As for your 'friends', they need to mind their own business.

Links234

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

We've arranged to go for coffee at lunchtime tomorrow, I'll ask her then. Sorry guys if I came across the wrong way, I was just a little curious. Thanks for all your responses! I'm sure my friends will be accepting, regardless of their silly opinion,If not that's their problem not mine, fúck them then.

I have always treated her and seen her as a woman, so there's no problem there. I'm optimistic about the future, I wish you all the best!

that's wonderful, I hope you get on well

Dark Artist

This is great. Let us know how you get on!

Eebs

Yeah best of luck with it.

deirdre_dub

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

The only drawback is the fact that I'll have to try and convince my friends that it's heterosexual to date a Transgender woman

Why do you have to convince your friends of that? What are the consequences of them believing otherwise?

May I point out that the consequences for you of your friends believing the relationship is gay are probably less than the consequences for her of the reactions her friends have had to her condition.

should I tell her I know about her past and I don't care?

I know the majority advice you have received so far is to let her bring it up. I wouldn't be so black-and-white about it - I would say "play it by ear".

It seems clear that at least some of the people in her wider circle (e.g. your friends) know about her past. It is possible that she may be feeling insecure about that, and so she might appreciate you bringing up the subject and saying to her what you have said above - that as far as you are concerned, she is a woman, and that's it.

But I don't know her, so I cannot be sure.

Would you consider it gay to want to go out with a transgender woman?

I don't care. And neither should your friends. "Gay" is a label that is put on an experience - if you believe the experience is "gay", then it is gay. If your friends believe it is "gay", then it is gay for them.

Of course, one has to ask why it is gay for them. The answer, apparently, is because they love a person for their genes?!!

To be honest I could be around her for the rest of my life, I really don't want to ruin this so I'm going to think logically and say there probably isn't much of a difference between a transgender woman and a woman but could you give advice on how to treat her if I do go out with her?

I think the question you are asking isn't about how you should treat her (as you have already answered that question yourself - you should treat her as the woman she is) - I think you are actually asking how you should treat the subject.

You should treat it with sensitivity. Whereas I believe you are way more clued in than the average person (and I congratulate you for that), I suspect there is still a lot you will learn about being trans should this relationship work out. So you need to approach the subject with sensitivity and with open ears and an open heart.

The bad news is that, as you have learned, you may need courage to deal with some of your friends. The good news is that, in time, she should be able to give you good pointers on how to deal with that, as she has likely had to deal with it a lot in her own past.

Good luck, and I wish the two of you the best! And do come back here and let us know how it went!

Katherine Jane

If you were asking ME out, here is what I would want:

"I fancy you, and think you are wonderful. Would you consider having dinner with me?"

THAT would definitely work!

Kate

LegacyUser

Hey forum. All went great! We're a couple now, friends didn't care and they respected the situation. She hasn't brought up the whole transgender thing, but thats her business. I'm sorry goes if my first post sounded a bit ignorant, I'm new to all this. And I'd agree, I shouldn't have stressed the situation, I can only imagine the pain she must have went through to get to were she is now. Thanks for all you responses!

reCAPTCHA

Hey forum, op here. Everything went great. We're a couple now. My friends were grand about it. I'm sorry if my first post came off as ignorant, I'm kinda new to this. I really should've taken the matter so seriously like that, I can only imagine what she had to go through to get to where she is now. Thanks guys for all your help. You all gave great advice!

deirdre_dub

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

Hey forum, op here. Everything went great. We're a couple now. My friends were grand about it. I'm sorry if my first post came off as ignorant, I'm kinda new to this. I really should've taken the matter so seriously like that, I can only imagine what she had to go through to get to where she is now. Thanks guys for all your help. You all gave great advice!

That's fantastic! Thanks for getting back to us, and I dare say everyone here wishes both of you much happiness together!

Links234

that's wonderful

I hope you are both very happy together, and that's great about your friends being ok with everything

rainbow kirby

Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well for you

Dr. Baltar

Excellent OP! Best of luck in the future!

Roamc

All of the luck you wish him won't take away from the deception he will face

rainbow kirby

Roamc wrote: »

All of the luck you wish him won't take away from the deception he will face

He's fully aware going into this relationship that the woman is trans, there is no deception going on there.

Roamc

rainbow kirby wrote: »

He's fully aware going into this relationship that the woman is trans, there is no deception going on there.

Yes, I know. If he isn't deceived and they lead a successful realationship, I might consider changing my view on a small number of transsexuals.

baby and crumble

God I know I shouldn't be feeding the troll but MY GOD YOU ARE ANNOYING!

Links234

no bother trying to argue it, roamc is right, transsexuals are just really dedicated trolls :rolleyes:

I'm only going to do something that will require me to be on medication the rest of my life, make me sterile, and open myself up for serious discrimination and risk of serious abuse or even death, all for some ****s and giggles.

Roamc

zoegh wrote: »

God I know I shouldn't be feeding the troll but MY GOD YOU ARE ANNOYING!

This will be my last off-topic post on this thread, I don't want to be the reason this gets locked too.


I'm not a troll, I wouldn't bother myself to sink to that level and I don't find your responses amusing to myself or anything. I'm here to speak my mind and my own truth. You can say "I'm at a lower level than a troll because at least a troll might not actually be that much of a bigot in real life" or whatever. But as long as I feel at a high level, I am at a high level to me, right?

I'm only going to do something that will require me to be on medication the rest of my life, make me sterile, and open myself up for serious discrimination and risk of serious abuse or even death, all for some ****s and giggles.

I work with drug addicts who say stuff like that.

And to finalise what I was trying to do in that kids ruined thread, I was just educating him through fact.

Links234

Roamc wrote: »

I'm not a troll

of course you are, you probably just looked at this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055974909 and saw what I said about the negative stereotype of trans women being deceivers and out to trick people, and you pretty much use the exact same words just to get a reaction. your trolling is as clear as day hon, give it up

Nebit

Roamc wrote: »

I work with drug addicts who say stuff like that.

And to finalise what I was trying to do in that kids ruined thread, I was just educating him through fact.

Educating is based on fact which is subjective and based on numerous sources.
What you have is an opinion which is based on a 'friend's experience' ergo not enough to dictate fact.

YOUR PUSHING YOUR OPINIONS ON OTHERS NOT EDUCATING !!!

deirdre_dub

Roamc wrote: »

I'm not a troll

You are not here to be educated - you are not here to have your beliefs about us changed - you are here to tell us what your beliefs about us are, and get us to accept them.

Roamc wrote: »

I'm not a troll ... I work with drug addicts who say stuff like that.

'nuff said.

Nebit

Roamc wrote: »

You actually think that it's funny what drug addicts go through or that they're low life scum? You don't have to accept my beliefs, I don't expect you to. I just was in hope that the young one would be part of a bright future.

That 13 year old was there to be educated in his thread. I acted as histeacher.

Now keeping this on-topic I think that the OP only likes this transsexual woman, for the adjective before her label.

PLEASE stop using 'educated' in your posts, as i previously stated and explained your are not educating you are opinion pushing!

L.Jenkins

Roamc wrote: »

And to finalise what I was trying to do in that kids ruined thread, I was just educating him through fact.

Well please enlighten us so.

Roamc wrote: »

You actually think that it's funny what drug addicts go through or that they're low life scum? You don't have to accept my beliefs, I don't expect you to. I just was in hope that the young one would be part of a bright future.

And he still will be. Instead of forcing opinion, let him seek out relevant information and form his own opinion, not yours.

rainbow kirby

Back on topic please. Roamc is taking 10 days out to reconsider his position.

baby and crumble

Ok, I know this is still off topic but I actually just wanted to say that I just got a really nice PM from roamc apologising for his attitude tonight, and I think he's learned a lot from reading around our board... Just thought people might like to know, since he's banned here he can't come and apologise at large, I guess...

I hope he won't mind me mentioning the PM, I just thought it was important people knew he was rethinking stuff...

And mods, please don't give out to me for keeping slightly off topic, I just didn't want to start a new thread...

:):):):) (hoping my charming smile pulls this off! :cool:)

rainbow kirby

zoegh wrote: »

(hoping my charming smile pulls this off! :cool:)

How you doin? :pac:

Thanks for letting us know.

baby and crumble

@Rainbow- I'm doin' good baby!

Oh yeah, I've still got it.

Katherine Jane

I'm not going to mention names, or get into name calling, but let me point out the facts.
1) Being gender variant is not something that anyone of us just decides to do.
2) Most of us just want to be accepted as human beings first, then men, or women second.

Did I CHOOSE to identify as female? No more than you probably CHOOSE to identify as your gender.

Would I CHOOSE to make less money, just because I am a woman?
Would I CHOOSE to lose half of my friends, when I came out?
Would I CHOOSE to deal with many members of society who's only experience of gender variance comes from what they saw on a TV reality show?
Would I CHOOSE to spend tens of thousands of dollars on psychiatrists, endochrinonogists, just to make myself whole?
Would I CHOOSE to risk losing my job because of the "Real Life Experience"?
Would I CHOOSE to risk assault, rape, murder, because I am perceived as a "freak" by some?

Now then, MOST of us are honest with any potential lovers we may have, but like any other group, there are some who would rather not say anything.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I will say that all I want is to live a quiet, and happy life. I am not interested in going on any TV shows, doing interviews. This is not something that is done for "fun".. There is a HUGE difference between a transvestite, and a person who identifies as the opposite sex.

Please, before you make judgements, consider that there are many of us who just want to life as normal a life as possible-regardless of your narrow point of view.

Kate

reCAPTCHA

I got so many emails about this thread this morning. Seems like there has been a debate going on. I'd like to start off by saying I knew she was transgender and by no means did that at any point change my opinion of her. I see her as wonderful, beautiful, friendly person.

Secondly now that I'm here I might aswell update you on our relationship. I honestly think that this relationship has started off better than any other relationship I've been in. As I've said before, we really click.

She told me she was transgender and I told her I knew and she was so pleased that I accepted it, she says she had feelings for me since we first met which really made my week . She says she hasn't really talked to many people throughly about her being transgender, I almost cried listening at some parts, she's so brave. I just told her how great I think she is and how beautiful she is.

I told her about the thread and she was pleased that I went out to get my concerns answered. She asked me to thank you all for being helpful and answering my queries.

Links234

that's really, really wonderful and I am so happy for both of you!

reCAPTCHA

Yeah, we're thinking about going on holiday together in October, I don't think that's jumping to things though. I think it will be great for the relationship, anyway we were thinking about going to France or Germany, any suggestion to where else we can consider going?

Edit: I'd like to thank Katherine Jane, I was going to respond to the guy, but I think your response hits the nail on the head. Cheers.

Handsome Bob

reCAPTCHA wrote: »

Hey forum. All went great! We're a couple now, friends didn't care and they respected the situation. She hasn't brought up the whole transgender thing, but thats her business. I'm sorry goes if my first post sounded a bit ignorant, I'm new to all this. And I'd agree, I shouldn't have stressed the situation, I can only imagine the pain she must have went through to get to were she is now. Thanks for all you responses!

Wow, considering your first post was on the 19th and this is on the 21st, you moved pretty quick. You became a couple pretty quick as well. Fair play anyway. :pac:

Katherine Jane

Wow... It sounds like you have hit it off, and it is great that you are beginning your relationship honestly! But isn't it a bit early in the courtship to be taking holidays together? Shouldn't you try to get to know each other a bit better first? Just my thought.

L.Jenkins

Well they have known each other for two years. It does seem a bit soon, but would be fun and an experience for them spending time and travelling together.

reCAPTCHA

As I've said though, we've known each other for 2 years. Throughout those 2 years, I think we had a very platonic(I think that might be a good word to describe it) relationship. Essentially I don't feel we're rushing into things. Just because we weren't going out doesn't mean we didn't do things together.

We think a holiday would be beneficial to our relationship and not only that, but a fun time.

Katherine Jane

Ok.. I must have missed that part! I hope you have a wonderful holiday together!

Kate

boxercreations

I have followed this thread with hope and optimism - and what can I say - you both really deserve every happiness, there are not enough people out there able to fully express how they feel, let alone amongst a forum of (sometimes judgemental) strangers.
Can we all come and dance at your wedding?:D

LegacyUser

Just read the whole thread, and I am delighted how it turned out for you, its so nice how it worked out for you two, I wish you both happiness, and a great holiday.
I will keep searching for my happy ending :-)

Eebs

Weddings?! Come on now people. They're together a few days. Lets chill out.

Just to add my well wishes again. Really pleased for you.