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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1772
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I were a lad, me mam would send me down t’corner shop wi just acouple o’bob, and I’d come back wi five pounds o’potatoes, two loaves o’bread, three pints o’milk, a pound o’cheese, a packet o’tea an half a dozen eggs.

    Yer can’t do that now.








    Too many bloody security cameras.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1773
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Was out doing the grocery shop over the weekend and whilst looking for some OXO cubes, I came across the usual, you know chicken, beef, lamb and so on but then what caught my eye was the one called "England",

    I thought what the hell is that?

    So lioke any good shopper I asked a very helpful sales assistant, asking what the England one was, she replied........

































    Its "Laughing Stock"!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1774
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    What's white and can't play football?

    A fridge


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    #1775
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    George Clooney has been asked to star in the life story of Gary Glitter














    Its called "Oh She's Eleven"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1776
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Now that the Irish Government to recognise transgender persons,






    We might get to see the Williams Sisters playing Tennis here

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1777
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Apparently, the England side went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning.

    "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.


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    #1778
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    This World Cup is working out like WW2.


    France have forfeited, the USA turned up late, and England are left to fight the Germans!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1779
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I travelled over to Iceland by car ferry last week.

    When I arrived the Sat Nav said






    "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1780
    Brendog
    Registered Users Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭Brendog


    People call me a Hypochondriac..........which really hurts:rolleyes:


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    #1781
    eddiebarrett
    Registered Users Posts: 47 ✭eddiebarrett


    Did you hear about the smartarse gynecologist?

    He wallpapers his hallway through the letterbox!


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    #1782
    Jay D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Jay D


    How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?




    Raw Raw
    Raw Raw Raw
    Raw Raw
    Raw Raw Raw ....


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    #1783
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    England Football Team are now expecting a hero's welcome upon thier return to the UK.






    Thier flight has been diverted to Glasgow Airport.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1784
    BeeJazizWafuls
    Closed Accounts Posts: 101 ✭✭BeeJazizWafuls


    I don't find holocaust jokes funny, Anne Frankly I won't stand for them!


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    #1785
    Darren_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭Darren_


    thebullkf wrote: »
    wrong wrong wrong.



    you'll be banned.


    take it down.



    there's other sites for that humour

    There was holocaust jokes :(


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    #1786
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    doesn't matter.



    your joke will go down like a lead balloon.

    you'll follow it .






    i fooked up by quoting it:mad::mad::mad::mad:

    i pm'd you.


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    #1787
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    sweet.


    apologies-forgot meself.
    nice one:o


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    #1788
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    Oxo are bringing out a special cube to commemorate England's 2010 World Cup campaign. It's called Laughing Stock.


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    #1789
    xAnnex
    Registered Users Posts: 32 ✭xAnnex


    (My Dad's seriously lame joke - For Western lovers)

    A dog walks into a bar and says: I'm looking for the man who shot my pa (paw).


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    #1790
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    xAnnex wrote: »
    (My Dad's seriously lame joke - For Western lovers)

    A dog walks into a bar and says: I'm looking for the man who shot my pa (paw).


    jaysus.....


    methinks we need to shoot your PaW....jokes like that:P


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    #1791
    jennytightlips
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭jennytightlips


    what do you call a mermaids pubic hair?
    .
    .
    .
    gee weed! :D


    whats black and white and eats like a horse?
    .
    .
    .
    a zebra!




    ....gets coat


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    #1792
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,852 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've just broken all my DVD's of japanese cartoons.

    I'm my own worst anime.


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    #1793
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,852 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for.


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    #1794
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'


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    #1795
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.


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    #1796
    MitchKoobski
    Registered Users Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭MitchKoobski


    The Dyslexics Association of Ireland planned a protest outside the dáil earlier this week.
    Chaos erupted when they all turned up at Aldi.


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    #1797
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    Old Chinese proverb: Man who runs before car gets tired, and man who runs behind car gets exhausted.


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    #1798
    LumpyGravy
    Registered Users Posts: 123 ✭✭LumpyGravy


    What smells funny?

    Clown poo.


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    #1799
    folan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭folan


    2 gold fish in a bowl, one turns to the other and asks

    Do you know how to drive this thing?


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    #1800
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,293 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm a PC, and hiding from rauol moat was my idea :p

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1801
    fobster
    Registered Users Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    I bought a second-hand Citreon last week.

    What a lemon of a car.


    Guy: Hey, is your name Bandwagon?

    Girl: No, why?

    Guy: Cause I want to jump on you.


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