Funerals of people you don't know.

owenc · 03-07-2010 04:39PM

Caoimhín wrote: »

So open minded and cultured the people in Northern Ireland are, its no wonder there has never been any strife in the place.

What it depreses me how would you like it being in a foreign country not knowing what anyone was saying, it gets a bit scary sometimes, especially when i went to france and they had no locks on the door.

Micky Dolenz · 03-07-2010 04:39PM

Back on topic from here.

Realtine · 03-07-2010 04:49PM

I think people I work with think I'm a little odd on this but I don't do funerals.
The last funeral I was at was my dad's - 10 years ago.. and my mam's some years before that and since then none.
I don't like them, I rarely visit the grave of my parents - don't see the point.
I don't think it's a lack of respect not to go, I privately give my condolences to the family involved - a letter or a telephone call.
I would and will of course attend the funeral of my in-laws or other very close family members if they should go before me - but if I die just cremate me with no ceremony and scatter me to the four winds or whatever!
And I won't care whose there or not! Obviously!

Funerals are still a huge thing in rural ireland whole villages still tend to turn out for one of their departed - it's still a big social occasion. More for the living than the dead.

Ickle Magoo · 03-07-2010 05:07PM

rainbowdrop wrote: »

I'm not saying that's the norm, that was just my experience, it was 10 days before my grandmother was buried. When my uncle died (suicide as well), it was a week before he was buried, and a good friend who died (Leukaemia) also took a week.

Yes, but I've been to funerals here that took AGES to happen, at least a couple of weeks - presumably it has something to do with the family involved and their ability to organise and attend rather than anything else - criminal cases aside?

I don't understand the whole sweeping statements & generalities about the UK like it's some alien nation that does things so differently. I come from a city that has 1/4 of the population of the entire country here and a funeral can be organised within 24 hrs - if that's what the family wants....

On topic - I think unless you know the person who died or the family who are grieving, it would be quite odd to attend a funeral. Then again, showing support for a family in grief is quite nice in itself...not quite so nice if it's just an excuse for a booze up.

Caoimhín · 03-07-2010 05:09PM

Realtine wrote: »

More for the living than the dead.

I think that is the case no matter where you are.

jordan.. · 03-07-2010 05:12PM

go and scream WHY GOD, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE GOOD ONES!!!

HavingCrack · 03-07-2010 06:12PM

My thread has really taken off nicely

I always find it a bit strange going to the funerals of a boss' parents for example a bit funny to be hoenst. If one of my family members died I wouldn't like my friends turning up at the funeral if they'd never met the person in question. But thats just me personally.

Odysseus · 03-07-2010 06:12PM

I do my best not to attend them, however, I still end up at them. If a parent of a close colleague goes, I go out of respect for my colleague. Yes at times I have felt like a bit of a cnut at them, but I find that only happens if I end up part of a family gathering, I much perfer being close enough to show support and far away enough to avoid the families grief. I remember people attending my my dad's funeral a few years back; it was nice to see my close colleagues there on the day.

Noreen1 · 03-07-2010 07:15PM

rainbowdrop wrote: »

Catholic funerals in England are, in my experience, conducted differently to Catholic funerals in Ireland.

When my (staunch Irish Catholic) Grandmother died in England, her funeral wasn't held for 10 days, simply due to the sheer numbers of people that die over there, she had to 'wait her turn' to be buried. There was no such thing as a 'removal' the night before, she was just taken from the funeral home to the church on the morning of her burial, and then to a huge graveyard where people of all religions are buried. It is sectioned off, so that for example Catholics are buried in one area, Jewish people in another, Protestants in another, Muslims in another area and so on......... There was maybe 100 people at the funeral, either family or friends/neighbours. My grandmother would have known every single one of them.

In contrast, when my other grandmother died here, her funeral was a traditional Irish one.... Rosary for family only the night she died, funeral home the following night, burial the next day. Hundreds attended the funeral, and I doubt very much she knew that amount of people, a lot of them would have been people that didn't know her, but knew the family, and attended as a mark of respect. I definitely prefer the Irish-Catholic way of doing things, than the English-Catholic way!!

I'll confirm this. My sister-in-law died recently, (RIP) and it was 10 days before we could arrange the funeral. First, we had to wait for the post-mortem, (almost a week!:eek:). The remains were then moved to a funeral home, until a miserable 20 minute slot could be arranged to conduct the funeral service in her local church. I found it quite shocking - much like a conveyer belt system, to be honest. Give me an Irish funeral service, any day - much more respectful to the deceased, and sympathetic to the bereaved.

On a different note, I go to funerals/wakes to support/try to comfort the bereaved. Lets face it, the deceased really doesn't care who's at the funeral.......

Noreen

Daisies · 03-07-2010 07:22PM

I attend funerals of people I don't know to give my condolences to my friends/cousins/work colleagues. My reason? I remember how much I appreciated having friends at my cousins' and Nan's funerals. Sometimes you have to think about the comfort your presence can give a friend who may not know half the people coming to the funeral (in my Nan's case I didn't know a lot of her elderly friends).
Would I do it again? Yes. I'd do it for any friend. It's true that in Ireland it is a celebration of the person's life. Yes there is an awful lot of alcohol involved (as with anything in Ireland) but there is generally a lot of reminiscing and talking about the deceased, something that gave me a lot of comfort.

corkcomp · 03-07-2010 07:25PM

the person who is deceased isnt going to know whether or not you attended anyway. anytime I go to a funeral it is to let the relative of the deceased know Im there for them. anytime I need to go it tends to be persons house or funeral home.. i tend to avoid funeral masses

stupidusername · 03-07-2010 07:26PM

With my mams funeral last year I saw all of the bad things about the funeral tradition. I hated all of it. People saying sorry to you, when you dont even know who they are, shaking your hand (when the last thing you want to do is have to make an effort with strangers) people crying in your face saying wasn't she so great and so strong when they didn't know a thing about her private life or her illness. It pissed me right off for those few days.

And then you have the culture that you're expected to make food and tea for these people because they want to stick around in your home and butt into everything.

alwaysadub wrote: »

I'd usually go to the removal rather than the funeral to pay my respects. I don't get in the queque to shake hands though. But if i had something else on, or was too far away, i wouldn't change my plans.

I actually couldn't believe it when I saw this queue forming for shaking hands with my father etc. I was in shock. Me and my sister went into the second row so to avoid this (and I'm glad I did), but then people were climbing in through the third row to get to us to shake our hands. I just wanted to be left alone. It angered me so much to see a few hundred people coming to shake hands with us when they had no involvement in my mams life. They were of absolutely no significance to her. 95% of people at the funeral didn't have a clue about her illness, didn't do anything to help her through it, didn't offer help, didn't visit, and some probably didn't even know she was sick.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I only go to peoples funerals when I am invited, if I actually know/knew the deceased and they knew me. I know a few people who seem to view funerals as some kind of macabre social event...not my idea of fun.

Ya, as I said this is something I noticed too. It's like a way of the village having a get together. I remember the coffin being open in our sitting room, and people pouring in, getting their glass of wine, and chatting away. It was a really disturbing time. It went on for hours, and the fact that people were getting drunk and having a laugh in there really increased my hatred for people and so called tradition. They were all siting around her, in her sitting room, and laughing at something that no doubt had nothing to do with my mam. I don't know why no one else had a problem with this but I found it terribly upsetting.

It's the people that went to the bother of travelling all the way to cork for the cremation that you knew cared. Funny enough that was only the ones that knew her, and that had some real part in caring for her.

I would never consider going to the funeral of someone that wasn't close to me, or my family. I actually consider it a kind of disrespect for a stranger to go along to the funeral of someone they didn't even know on a personal level. I don't agree at all with going along because they're the friend of someone you know, unless you've specifically been asked obviously. It is such a private time for the family and having to deal with strangers talking at you and having to make conversation is the last thing they need. I hate that there's old people that consider going along because they consider themselves important people of the community.

Though having read back over my post it has struck me that many of the people that pissed me off with their behaviour were actually family members. I remember someone saying they heard my granny (my mams mother) commenting on who did / didn't turn up, in terms of how insulted she should be.

Motley Crue · 03-07-2010 07:32PM

There was a period of about 3 years where I attended 12 funerals, all of people from my Dad's side of the family, distant cousins that he had only known through his own Dad....but he had either not met in 30 years or had never met. So I of course did not know any of these people accept that I knew I was somehow related to them. Mostly old people in their late 80's, early 90's, never went to a burial...just a removal mass or a funeral mass

Also went to the funeral mass of the wife of an old work colleague of my Dad's. He'd read it in the paper and remembered how nice the man had been to him in his old job and wanted to make the effort, even though they hadn't spoke in 25 years.

Personally, the strangest funeral I ever went to was for a school friend, whose father had died of a heart attack. We were asked, because we were his class but not because any of us knew him that much, to give him support and the principal of the school decided we should attend the funeral. I did mourn for him but I didn't feel it appropriate to have 30 guys in school uniform show up to his father's funeral. Having said that he obviously got some comfort from it which was the main thing.

I also went to the funeral of the wife of my old Business Studies teacher. He was a good man.

Diabhal Beag · 03-07-2010 09:10PM

I'll be honest. The inner bogger in me comes out when it comes to funerals. If my brother's colleague died I would go to the funeral etc. I also don't hate going to funerals because I feel that it is a celebration of somebodies life.

christ on a bike! · 03-07-2010 09:26PM

Funerals can be great, they're like big reunions. Better a good funeral than a bad wedding.

And it's brilliant that you can actually have good fun the day you say goodbye to a loved one, laughing and telling old stories.

That's one thing we do very well and I think it's part of our charm.

bored and fussy · 03-07-2010 09:37PM

the_barfly1 wrote: »

What pisses me off is the local Fianna Fail TD seems to turn up at every single funeral here, i gave him a piece of my mind not long ago at a close relatives funeral because i knew for a fact that he had no connections to my family at all.
Filthy swine using somebodys death as an excuse to canvass for votes. Do your f*cking job and dont be bothering mourners.
/rant

Politicians from all parties do this I heard one saying he went to several funerals a week sometimes

I will tell you and i am sure you agree with me, they are electioneering and that it is distasteful to me

pow wow · 03-07-2010 11:05PM

At work there's an electronic bulletin board type thing where notices go up for work/social events. This apparently extends to notices about deaths of relatives of people who used to work there. For instance:

"It is with regret that we announce the death of Joe Bloggs, father of Mary Bloggs (formerly of Finance Unit). Funeral arrangements will be circulated to staff"

I wonder if I asked for a day off to go to Mary's dad's funeral would they give it to me...I didn't know Mary or her da but they must be telling me for a reason :P

Carawaystick · 04-07-2010 12:26AM

owenc wrote: »

What a pile of crap, that is another anti english/protestant rumour made up by your relatives, oh when are they going to give up *sigh*. I've been to many church of ireland funerals and they are all done at the same time as presbyterian/catholic funerals if not earlier, they do theirs in two days even 1 day sometimes , presbyterians wait longer, i've been to one were they waited 7 days to be buried!

Are you not mixing english and protestantism there? I'd be fairly sure that the church of Ireland is not english, going by the name like.

Are Presbyterians not protestants too? even free presbyterians....

Anyway, going to the funeral of parents/siblings of acquaintances is the irish way.
And I'm glad to see waking people is making a comeback in the more urban parts of Ireland, although a wake is usually more for the acquaintances of the deceased.

filthymcnasty · 04-07-2010 01:33AM

Noreen1 wrote: »

I'll confirm this. My sister-in-law died recently, (RIP) and it was 10 days before we could arrange the funeral. First, we had to wait for the post-mortem, (almost a week!:eek:). The remains were then moved to a funeral home, until a miserable 20 minute slot could be arranged to conduct the funeral service in her local church. I found it quite shocking - much like a conveyer belt system, to be honest. Give me an Irish funeral service, any day - much more respectful to the deceased, and sympathetic to the bereaved.

On a different note, I go to funerals/wakes to support/try to comfort the bereaved. Lets face it, the deceased really doesn't care who's at the funeral...
Noreen

Not being a smart ass but maybe this is is due to a lack of undertakers/ doctors etc in that area (not all deaths require post mortem, there could have been certain circumstances that required this) but i sympathise.
regarding irish funerals the two day event seems to be an irish thing i.e evening remvoval/ funeral morning after... most other catholic countries its one ceremony

anewme · 04-07-2010 01:49AM

My old MD loved funerals and would go to any. He was literally like rent a crowd. He went and bought himself a very posh and expensive black coat, so if he turned up wearing that you knew he was off to a do and some terrible tragedy had befallen someone, which we of course had to listen to the gories.

Once a temp who was only doing holiday cover or something remarked having seen 3 funerals in as many days, said, god, you are always going to funerals. He took great umbridge and said she must have thought he was killing them off for the day out.

There was only a few of us there, so when one girl's mother died, I was surprised not to see him at the church that evening, when I knew he was setting off for it.

Directions never being his strong point, he went to a different Church, to some completely different removal, only realised at the end that he did not know anyone or could not see any of the rest of us, but comiserated with the family and signed the book as he was there anyway and it would be rude not to.

I have also heard him by phone relaying details of funerals to other old codgers, either too ill or too lazy to go. Best quote I heard from him shouting down the phone to some coffin dodger, "there was a better turnout than a Munster final"

When his brother died last year, we all had to trek to the other side of the country and show our respects. He was very close to his brother and I could see he took great comfort in the fact that we all made the effort to attend, so was glad I did that for him.

He was the best boss I ever had. Legend.

Noreen1 · 04-07-2010 03:32PM

filthymcnasty wrote: »

Not being a smart ass but maybe this is is due to a lack of undertakers/ doctors etc in that area (not all deaths require post mortem, there could have been certain circumstances that required this) but i sympathise.
regarding irish funerals the two day event seems to be an irish thing i.e evening remvoval/ funeral morning after... most other catholic countries its one ceremony

Yes, there were circumstances requiring post-mortem - misdiagnosis by a doctor until three weeks before her death.

I don't believe there should have been a shortage of doctors or undertakers - she lived in a large town.
I did express surprise at the delay, but was told it was normal for that area.

I can only assume that, like Ireland, not all areas in England have the exact same customs/delays?

Noreen

Funerals of people you don't know.

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