How not to do it.

Oryx · 01-07-2010 11:29AM #1

Apologies if this has been mentioned before, but I think this is brilliant.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

A competition to find the worst opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. A homage to Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who has the dubious honour of having written the often copied but never equalled:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

Mr E · 01-07-2010 11:35AM

LOL...

Winner: Romance

"Trent, I love you," Fiona murmered, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover's masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

Padraiggg, was that you?

Oryx · 01-07-2010 11:47AM

Mr E wrote: »

LOL...

Padraiggg, was that you?

I did wonder if our boy's fame had spread.

Mr E · 01-07-2010 12:02PM

Seriously.... Its his style.

Mr E · 01-07-2010 12:05PM

I wonder if that's an idea for the next VOAT?

A trashy (but not pornographic) romance story.... The worse its written, the funnier it becomes.

pickarooney · 01-07-2010 12:47PM

That sounds like a great idea
I would want to enter though.

Wantobe · 01-07-2010 01:46PM

pickarooney wrote: »

That sounds like a great idea
I would want to enter though.

Bit unfair if you can't enter the competitions really- I wondered about that before. Maybe others can take turns accepting entries/coming up with idea in future.

Mr E · 01-07-2010 02:23PM

So all we need is a neutral 3rd party (who won't be entering) to accept the PM submissions, and create a voting thread when the time comes? Am I oversimplifying?

I'm sure I could find someone to do that.

Oryx · 01-07-2010 02:38PM

Or a neutral third party to take pickarooneys entry by pm, and confirm theyve got it, before anyone else submits. Pickarooney then posts the voting thread, including his own submission, as normal.

Mr E · 01-07-2010 02:40PM

Yep, that's even easier. That'll work too.

pickarooney · 01-07-2010 02:43PM

So I'd have to be first? Too much pressure!

I'm wondering about this though - isn't the hilarity really in how earnest the author is in trying to produce something fantastic and failing so horribly?

Mr E · 01-07-2010 02:51PM

pickarooney wrote:

So I'd have to be first? Too much pressure!

Good point. Never thought of that. I think the third party would have to accept all nominees for it to work.

isn't the hilarity really in how earnest the author is in trying to produce something fantastic and failing so horribly?

That's the challenge. It's a particular style of writing.

Oryx · 01-07-2010 02:57PM

It could be soul destroying to find that you cant even write bad prose well.

Please go on and read the section on published work from that site, Ive been amusing myself with it for ages now, but it does make you look back at your own stuff and go: Oh God.

Antilles · 01-07-2010 06:51PM

Oryx wrote: »

It could be soul destroying to find that you cant even write bad prose well.

Or that you can write bad prose much much better than you can write well

pickarooney · 01-07-2010 08:41PM

So who would win - the person with the most or the least votes?

Aoibheann · 02-07-2010 01:01AM

I haven't posted here in ages, but I'd be willing to do the neutral story-gathering if you guys want. I'm around lots so I could easily post the thread with the poll too.

Oh, and I really must make more of an effort to post stuff here..

pickarooney · 02-07-2010 09:21AM

I've come right back round to really liking this

VOAT 5 tentatively titled A Bad Romance to go ahead next week or how are people fixed for holidays?

Should it be just a short passage or an entire 1000-1500 word story? I don't know if the comedic appeal lasts beyond a ridiculously bad opening.

Someone needs to track down Padraiggg - get him to set up a workshop

Mr E · 02-07-2010 11:54AM

Unless everyone is going on holidays at the same time, next week should be fine.

You're never going to get a week that suits absolutely everyone, so just kick it off and see what happens.

This one is going to be fun.

Oryx · 02-07-2010 12:00PM

Im not going anywhere, so Ill give this a shot. Keep the word count down though (500-1000), for the sake of the voters who have to read it, if nothing else!

pickarooney · 02-07-2010 12:00PM

How about the length? And a description of the theme. Maybe include the link in the OP so people don't just write in text speak or use atrocious spelling deliberately.

angelll · 02-07-2010 01:34PM

Just saw this now,sounds brilliant,will def give it a go. I'm going to the library later so will pick up some mills and boon for research,lol. I'm not a 'romance' type of girl so this will def be a challenge!

Antilles · 02-07-2010 09:34PM

pickarooney wrote: »

Someone needs to track down Padraiggg - get him to set up a workshop

If Padraiggg is writing one, I'm pre-emptively withdrawing my entry. It would be like painting against Picasso.

Antilles · 03-07-2010 02:35AM

In the hope that I won't have to go up against Trent, I've had an idea that could be really good (or bad, given the topic

) so I'm on board for this. I've written a beginning, and given how flowery and "purple" the prose has to be, I'd definitely suggest a word cap of at least 1500 words. I'm 300 in and so far nothing has actually happened yet

pickarooney · 07-07-2010 04:24PM

I might leave this until Monday and then check with Aoibheann about the closing date and availability. Meanwhile, can I get your opinions on wordcount and any ideas on how to promote this competition?

ToasterSparks · 07-07-2010 04:36PM

Maybe you could rename this thread or let people know that you're planning the next VOAT in here? Some people might not check this thread for info!

I already have some suitably horrible sentences concocted in my brain already. Should be fun!

pickarooney · 07-07-2010 04:55PM

Good point. I'll link to this one from the v4 thread for now and make an official v5 thread on Friday.

Orion101 · 07-07-2010 07:29PM

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

angelll · 07-07-2010 08:37PM

Orion101 wrote: »

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

Well it worked for me....;)

pickarooney · 07-07-2010 10:42PM

Orion101 wrote: »

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

No, that's not really the aim of the game. Of course, if someone chooses to vote for a story on that basis, nobody is going to stop them.

Aoibheann · 08-07-2010 04:33PM

pickarooney wrote: »

I might leave this until Monday and then check with Aoibheann about the closing date and availability. Meanwhile, can I get your opinions on wordcount and any ideas on how to promote this competition?

I should be around pretty much whenever over the coming weeks so just let me know when, and I'll be happy to go along with it. Sure drop me a PM or something, but as I said - any time is fine.

If you know anyone who's any way creative with photoshop or making sigs in general, I'm sure some funny sigs could be whipped up fairly handily!

ToasterSparks · 08-07-2010 06:30PM

Aoibheann wrote:

If you know anyone who's any way creative with photoshop or making sigs in general, I'm sure some funny sigs could be whipped up fairly handily!

How about this?

How not to do it.

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