How not to do it.

Oryx

Apologies if this has been mentioned before, but I think this is brilliant.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

A competition to find the worst opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. A homage to Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who has the dubious honour of having written the often copied but never equalled:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

Mr E

LOL...

Winner: Romance

"Trent, I love you," Fiona murmered, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover's masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

Padraiggg, was that you?

Oryx

Mr E wrote: »

LOL...



Padraiggg, was that you?

I did wonder if our boy's fame had spread.

Mr E

Seriously.... Its his style.

Mr E

I wonder if that's an idea for the next VOAT?

A trashy (but not pornographic) romance story.... The worse its written, the funnier it becomes.

pickarooney

That sounds like a great idea
I would want to enter though.

Wantobe

pickarooney wrote: »

That sounds like a great idea
I would want to enter though.

Bit unfair if you can't enter the competitions really- I wondered about that before. Maybe others can take turns accepting entries/coming up with idea in future.

Mr E

So all we need is a neutral 3rd party (who won't be entering) to accept the PM submissions, and create a voting thread when the time comes? Am I oversimplifying?

I'm sure I could find someone to do that.

Oryx

Or a neutral third party to take pickarooneys entry by pm, and confirm theyve got it, before anyone else submits. Pickarooney then posts the voting thread, including his own submission, as normal.

Mr E

Yep, that's even easier. That'll work too.

pickarooney

So I'd have to be first? Too much pressure!

I'm wondering about this though - isn't the hilarity really in how earnest the author is in trying to produce something fantastic and failing so horribly?

Mr E

pickarooney wrote:

So I'd have to be first? Too much pressure!

Good point. Never thought of that. I think the third party would have to accept all nominees for it to work.

isn't the hilarity really in how earnest the author is in trying to produce something fantastic and failing so horribly?

That's the challenge. It's a particular style of writing.

Oryx

It could be soul destroying to find that you cant even write bad prose well.

Please go on and read the section on published work from that site, Ive been amusing myself with it for ages now, but it does make you look back at your own stuff and go: Oh God.

Antilles

Oryx wrote: »

It could be soul destroying to find that you cant even write bad prose well.

Or that you can write bad prose much much better than you can write well

pickarooney

So who would win - the person with the most or the least votes?

Aoibheann

I haven't posted here in ages, but I'd be willing to do the neutral story-gathering if you guys want. I'm around lots so I could easily post the thread with the poll too.

Oh, and I really must make more of an effort to post stuff here..

pickarooney

I've come right back round to really liking this

VOAT 5 tentatively titled A Bad Romance to go ahead next week or how are people fixed for holidays?

Should it be just a short passage or an entire 1000-1500 word story? I don't know if the comedic appeal lasts beyond a ridiculously bad opening.

Someone needs to track down Padraiggg - get him to set up a workshop

Mr E

Unless everyone is going on holidays at the same time, next week should be fine.

You're never going to get a week that suits absolutely everyone, so just kick it off and see what happens.

This one is going to be fun.

Oryx

Im not going anywhere, so Ill give this a shot. Keep the word count down though (500-1000), for the sake of the voters who have to read it, if nothing else!

pickarooney

How about the length? And a description of the theme. Maybe include the link in the OP so people don't just write in text speak or use atrocious spelling deliberately.

angelll

Just saw this now,sounds brilliant,will def give it a go. I'm going to the library later so will pick up some mills and boon for research,lol. I'm not a 'romance' type of girl so this will def be a challenge!

Antilles

pickarooney wrote: »

Someone needs to track down Padraiggg - get him to set up a workshop

If Padraiggg is writing one, I'm pre-emptively withdrawing my entry. It would be like painting against Picasso.

Antilles

In the hope that I won't have to go up against Trent, I've had an idea that could be really good (or bad, given the topic ) so I'm on board for this. I've written a beginning, and given how flowery and "purple" the prose has to be, I'd definitely suggest a word cap of at least 1500 words. I'm 300 in and so far nothing has actually happened yet

pickarooney

I might leave this until Monday and then check with Aoibheann about the closing date and availability. Meanwhile, can I get your opinions on wordcount and any ideas on how to promote this competition?

ToasterSparks

Maybe you could rename this thread or let people know that you're planning the next VOAT in here? Some people might not check this thread for info!


I already have some suitably horrible sentences concocted in my brain already. Should be fun!

pickarooney

Good point. I'll link to this one from the v4 thread for now and make an official v5 thread on Friday.

Orion101

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

angelll

Orion101 wrote: »

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

Well it worked for me....;)

pickarooney

Orion101 wrote: »

Do we get extra points for poor grammar and punctuation?

No, that's not really the aim of the game. Of course, if someone chooses to vote for a story on that basis, nobody is going to stop them.

Aoibheann

pickarooney wrote: »

I might leave this until Monday and then check with Aoibheann about the closing date and availability. Meanwhile, can I get your opinions on wordcount and any ideas on how to promote this competition?

I should be around pretty much whenever over the coming weeks so just let me know when, and I'll be happy to go along with it. Sure drop me a PM or something, but as I said - any time is fine.

If you know anyone who's any way creative with photoshop or making sigs in general, I'm sure some funny sigs could be whipped up fairly handily!

ToasterSparks

Aoibheann wrote:

If you know anyone who's any way creative with photoshop or making sigs in general, I'm sure some funny sigs could be whipped up fairly handily!

How about this?

dr.bollocko

"The pain wouldn't stop, and Vern still had three cats left"

Inspired.

angelll

ToasterSparks wrote: »

How about this?

That's brilliant!

Oryx

I had a go at this today, and have now written 1100 words of complete dirge. Its amazing how easy it is. My only concerns are that its not bad enough, unless I edit out certain details I may have to mark it nsfw, and that after this I may never be able to write properly again.

dawvee

I don't really have any ideas for a story, but I'd love to see one with a male romantic lead named Mike Hunt.

Antilles

Has there been any movement on setting a date and wordcount for this?

pickarooney

I think I'll kick it off today with a 1500 max count and running until 31st July if that suits.

So is the purpose to write the worst story possible?

ToasterSparks

The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.

--Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut (1985 Winner)

You know, I'd quite like to read more of this story!

pickarooney

The thread for VOAT 5 is up now here.

Feel free to sig it

Aoibheann

ToasterSparks wrote: »

How about this?

Mind if I rob that for my sig?

ToasterSparks

Of course not, I made it so everyone can use it. Rob away!

Thanks for helping with the comp, too!