Falling in love with a married man

LegacyUser · 18-06-2010 09:02AM #1

I really could do with some advice... Im 25 years old and I have recently through work gotten to know an outside colleague that is 43 years old, married and has kids in their late teens...

I've never been attracted to an older man before and after getting to know him, I started to have feelings. We were away together on a week long business trip together and spent a lot of time together, including in the bar at night. I have very strong feelings for him. He has been very flirty towards me, made inuendos, pinced my bum etc... nothing happened, he walked me to my room every night, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and that was it! I have avoided him for the past week or two since we got home.. afraid of the feelings that I have for him and confused about what it all means. He text me yesterday and i replied a few messages, he had x's at the end of them and thanked me for apparently making him smile so much... a lot of inuendo and flirting in the messages..

Now i know the whole thing is completely wrong, i really do.. hense why i avoided hin. but how do i get over him... and how do i stop myself thinking about him non stop.

I feel like such an idiot for getting myself into this situation, nothing like this has ever happened me before.

dublingal80 · 18-06-2010 09:31AM

All you can do at the moment is stay away from him. stop replying to his texts too. Once you stop replying he will eventually get the hint and move to the next person

the LAST thing you want to do is cross that line, especially with a work collegue. Just keep your head screwed on

LegacyUser · 18-06-2010 10:12AM

Thank you for the response, the advice really is greatly appreciated.

I know I should stay away from him.. It just seems more difficult. It may be a year or more before we will have to work together again as he is an outside colleague who only works on one project.

I would like to think that he would never cross the line and that its all just harmless on his side. And that the feelings are all on my side. He's such a nice guy that I wouldnt like to think that he might actually do something inappropriate.

I just cant stop thinking about him.

mood · 18-06-2010 10:17AM

Don't have anything to do with him that's not work related. No texting, no lunches, if away for work avoid the bar and tell him you are going up to you room to phone you boyfriend etc. Your only going to get hurt and be back here looking for advice about how to get over him, his wife found out, he won't leave his wife like promised, the whole town knows, you lost your job over it... the list of bad outcomes is endless. If you continue to let him get close then it will be your own fault.

Beruthiel · 18-06-2010 10:20AM

OP

Stand back and put yourself in his wifes shoes for a moment.

Were you her, how would you feel to know that some woman has set her sights on your husband? The father of your children.
Put yourself in the childrens shoes, as a child, how would you feel if your father decided to up and leave because of some strange woman?

This man is misbehaving. He is disrespecting his wife and children, do not help him.
This man is not yours.
Back off now. If you cannot mentally distance yourself from him then you are going to have to physically do so.

Do not be that person, the one who helps break up a family and makes another woman miserable and breaks the hearts of children.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2010 10:32AM

To be fair to him, he has never disrespected his wife to be by bad mouthing or saying that there was problems or anything like that. We just hit it off and got on well with each other.

I feel like such an idiot, Im a pretty strong career women... and hate that i could compromise it by acting like this. In particular when other members of our working group when we were away were commenting on how close we were.

Im pretty sure that if he didnt try anything then, or behave inappropriately that he never would and that this is all on my side.

How Strange · 18-06-2010 10:39AM

OP, this guy seems to have all the power. He knows what he's doing, he probably sees that you're infatuated and he's most definitely taking advantage. He isn't innocent by any means. He's got this 25 year old blushing and making doe eyes at him. He must be delighted with himself.

IMO, pinching your bum is offensive and unbelievably crass. Does he think he's in some sort of Carry On film?

You really don't want to go down the road of being the bit on the side who gets the leftovers. He will most probably (99%) never leave his wife or kids for you, by the sounds of his behaviour he has probably done this before.

Ask yourself if you honestly think you're worth more than being someones dirty little secret or if you deserve someone who will have a respectful and mature relationship with you?

All I'll say is for your own sanity and peace of mind establish a boundary between you two and make sure he is aware of it. If he persists then it's harrassment and tell him that. If again he persists then inform your employer. Nothing has happened yet so leave it at that.

Don't waste your youth on a dirty old man (relative to your age) who hasn't the guts to leave his wife and children if he's in an unhappy marriage.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2010 10:46AM

I know it may seem like im defending him a lot.. but...

The bum pinching incident was in a car after i had joked with him that while he was fastening his seat belt that his hands were getting too close (they weren't really). Also after a lot of alcohol.

Like I said I, I really dont believe that he would ever do anything to hurt his wife or kids, he has never indictated that he would want anything to happen or that anything would happen again. He has never mentioned being unhappy in his marraige.

While on the business trip I avoided him on a number of occasions like not sitting beside him during the day or sitting beside another male for breakfast or dinner so as to give the impression that it was all friendly banter.

As I said there is no reason for us to work together again for a long time, and we live hours apart so im physically away from him. It's just getting him out of my head now.

maryqwerty · 18-06-2010 10:57AM

Beruthiel, you are so right! i agree with every word you said and you sound like a really caring person. to be honest, making any sort of move in this situation in my opinion makes you a bad person- it is such a selfish thing to do.. how would you like if you married a man and had his children, and then some SLUT sleeps with him. yes he is wrong but you don't want to be looked down on. at least you have the decency to post here but steer clear of him. he's bad news. very sad that affairs are so common nowadays

LegacyUser · 18-06-2010 11:04AM

I think its very unfair to call me a slut seeing as how nothing happened and i would never let anything happen.

Beruthiel · 18-06-2010 11:10AM

feeling so low wrote: »

To be fair to him, he has never disrespected his wife.

Really?

He has been very flirty towards me, made inuendos, pinced my bum etc

You think his wife would have no problem with any of the above?

fungun · 18-06-2010 11:13AM

er....just cos someone has a crush and maybe makes a mistake doesnt make them a SLUT!

Anyway key point has been outlined....

"Hes such a nice guy"
"Hes never disrespected his wife"

Er...I think youll find he has. He pinched your bum. He walked you back to your room when away and kissed you on the cheek. Id be pretty pissed off if a gf of mine was acting like that.

He might not have come on to you but was giving you the opportunity to make the mistake of doing more....so you would feel bad if anything happened and h could defend himself and make you look bad. Also you work with him, there is no good outcome here.

Although a low level of flirting and innuendo is probably acceptable it sounds like it has just gone way too far - I wouldnt reply to his texts, and I would change my behaviour towards him so he doesnt feel like he can kiss you on the cheek - between work colleagues thats pretty inappropriate on a work trip. You can set the boundaries if you so wish.

mood · 18-06-2010 11:15AM

feeling so low wrote: »

To be fair to him, he has never disrespected his wife to be by bad mouthing or saying that there was problems or anything like that. We just hit it off and got on well with each other.

I feel like such an idiot, Im a pretty strong career women... and hate that i could compromise it by acting like this. In particular when other members of our working group when we were away were commenting on how close we were.

Im pretty sure that if he didnt try anything then, or behave inappropriately that he never would and that this is all on my side.

To be fair he is disrespecting his wife and kids and you for that matter! Ass pinching, late drinks at the hotel bar, giving a kissing and hug etc not exactly the action of a of a caring hubby and father! If he would cheat on his wife he would do the same to you in the future (if he ever left his wife and normally men don't). He sound horrible.

It sound like you are the talk of the office already. Put a stop to it asap before you get hurt emotionally or career wise.

dublingal80 · 18-06-2010 11:27AM

feeling very low wrote: »

Thank you for the response, the advice really is greatly appreciated.

I know I should stay away from him.. It just seems more difficult. It may be a year or more before we will have to work together again as he is an outside colleague who only works on one project.

I would like to think that he would never cross the line and that its all just harmless on his side. And that the feelings are all on my side. He's such a nice guy that I wouldnt like to think that he might actually do something inappropriate.

I just cant stop thinking about him.

a married man pinching a colleagues ass while out is crossing the line

Ickle Magoo · 18-06-2010 11:57AM

feeling so low wrote: »

To be fair to him, he has never disrespected his wife to be by bad mouthing or saying that there was problems or anything like that. We just hit it off and got on well with each other.

I feel like such an idiot, Im a pretty strong career women... and hate that i could compromise it by acting like this. In particular when other members of our working group when we were away were commenting on how close we were.

Im pretty sure that if he didnt try anything then, or behave inappropriately that he never would and that this is all on my side.

Okay, so pretend it's your long term partner pinching bums, going to hotel rooms for hugs and kisses, flirting with someone else while on a work trip...still so innocent and respectful? Not at all unprofessional or sleazy? Hmmm. The bigger question is why you let him come to your room and do that? Why you want to be the office gossip...do you not care what colleagues think of you? What damage is done to your career just so he gets an ego stroke and a to paw a young thing?! :eek:

You need to stay well clear of him, OP, married men spell trouble with a capital T. Very few of these type of relationships work out, far more common is being used, kept secret and ends with him calling you everything under the sun while begging his wife for forgiveness. Not worth it.

Miss Fluff · 18-06-2010 12:05PM

I'm not going to comment on what a sleazy gobsh1te he sounds to be and how you know he is married/how wrong it would be to pursue it etc, seems like that topic has been covered sufficiently

feeling so low wrote: »

I feel like such an idiot, Im a pretty strong career women... and hate that i could compromise it by acting like this. In particular when other members of our working group when we were away were commenting on how close we were.

For your own sake, you are on SHAKY ground if colleagues are commenting on it. You need to nip it in the bud now because once you lose your professional reputation (and shagging your way around the company means you will never be taken seriously, ever) then that's it. Do you want to be the office gossip fodder? Have people snigger behind your back when you leave meetings? People watching your every move on work nights out?

Next time he texts you tell him you have a boyfriend and ignore any further non work related correspondence.

mood · 18-06-2010 12:17PM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I'm not going to comment on what a sleazy gobsh1te he sounds to be and how you know he is married/how wrong it would be to pursue it etc, seems like that topic has been covered sufficiently

For your own sake, you are on SHAKY ground if colleagues are commenting on it. You need to nip it in the bud now because once you lose your professional reputation (and shagging your way around the company means you will never be taken seriously, ever) then that's it. Do you want to be the office gossip fodder? Have people snigger behind your back when you leave meetings? People watching your every move on work nights out?

Next time he texts you tell him you have a boyfriend and ignore any further non work related correspondence.

And remember OP that some of them possible know his wife quite well and might tell her. While you may get over a broken heart and being used by a married man etc but the damage to your profession reputation could follow you for the rest of your life. You really need to ignore texts etc and if he asks why just say 'it wasn't work related so you thought it best not to reply. I'm sure your wife wouldn't be happy with you texting a young one!'. Message sent loud and clear!

Emme · 18-06-2010 02:46PM

mood wrote: »

And remember OP that some of them possible know his wife quite well and might tell her. While you may get over a broken heart and being used by a married man etc but the damage to your profession reputation could follow you for the rest of your life. You really need to ignore texts etc and if he asks why just say 'it wasn't work related so you thought it best not to reply. I'm sure your wife wouldn't be happy with you texting a young one!'. Message sent loud and clear!

He sounds like a sleaze and you're both behaving unprofessionally. The only contact you should have with this man is through work, no socialising alone together and any communication you have (face-to-face, phone, email, text etc.) should be work related.

And do yourself a favour, you're 25, you should have no problem finding yourself a SINGLE AVAILABLE guy nearer your own age - ie a guy who isn't in a relationship with somebody else.

LittleBook · 18-06-2010 03:03PM

feeling very low wrote: »

I know I should stay away from him.. It just seems more difficult. It may be a year or more before we will have to work together again as he is an outside colleague who only works on one project.

It sounds perfectly easy to stay away from him.

My friend was in an extremely similar situation at your age and she made the mistake of giving 10 of her best years to the guy. She's still single and he's still perfectly happily married to his unsuspecting wife.

Taltos · 18-06-2010 03:07PM

He's married.

You may be infactuated, but I hope to god you are not falling for his little ego trip. To him you are a pretty silly little girl who makes him feel better.

Now for some truths:
1. His behaviour is wrong is so many ways
> firstly - as above he is married - says alot to his character - and says alot to how he will treat his next partner or mistress
> secondly - totally unprofessional. The first time he crossed the line you should have stopped in and reported his behaviour to your manager and HR department - not only to protect you but your company and their reputation.
> thirdly - you seem very insistent on protecting him - I don't get it for all the reasons above unless you are just blown away that an older attractive man finds you attractive - so maybe some self-esteem issues at play here.

Try to work on that - and don't settle. In terms though of professionalism - this is a small country - you should be doing all you can to build a good reputation for yourself. If he cannot act in a professional manner then you need to. I suggest that if you do meet him in a years time or earlier when you get an email for a coffee and a "chat" - that you nip this in the bud. Thank him for his interest but stress that he is married and that the only relationship you will have is a professional one - despite anything else he might think. He might huff and puff and make you feel bad for misunderstanding him and not being there when he needs to talk to someone about how rotten his marriage is and how lost he is - but that is what he wife is for....

greengiant09 · 18-06-2010 06:02PM

i think you need to 'man' up and take some responsibility for your actions. ok, the bloke is dishonouring his wife and is chancing his arm but you have never made a concerted effort to reject them. in fact, if anything, you entertained him and gave him all the encouragement he needed to pursue you further. your 25 so you know what your doing!....i wonder if you really mean that nothing would ever happen??? especially considering the effect he has had on you and the way you defend all his actions. i think i've lost count of the amount of people who come on boards saying how they cheated with someone and use alcohol as an excuse!..it's just a cop out!

G-Money · 18-06-2010 07:07PM

Just start focusing on his negative traits. Instead of focusing on how nice you think he is, focus on how he's trying to cheat on his wife. And even if by some miracle you did end up with him, there's a good chance he'd end up going after some other girl once you'd lost your novelty to him.

As others have said, he's sleazy if he's coming onto you. But you are partly responsible as well if you are encouraging/not discouraging his behaviour.

It sounds like you won't see him again for a while based on the way your job is structured so use that time to put him out of your mind.

I'm pretty sure most of the people on this thread don't want to see an update further down the line where you went out with him "just as friends" but one thing led to another and you slept together and how from your perspective "it just happened".

Not having a go at you OP. Just trying to give you the blunt truth. Too many people go into these types of situations, knowing full well they are doing wrong and then try to convince themselves or others that it wasn't their fault that they ended up doing x, y or z with a married person. You're 25 and you know the difference between right and wrong. You're also at the age where you can't throw out the "I was immature and selfish" line that a lot of girls use. In my mind, someone can't really use that to justify something once they pass 20.

Just forget about him, think about all his negative traits. If none spring to mind, just make some up in your head. That's what I'm doing to get past a girl that I really fancy. It seems to be working too.

Glenshane Pass · 18-06-2010 10:11PM

OP, looks like you have to get over him as it is, you seem to be infatuated. As said before, you have to focus on his negative traits instead of justifying his behaviour which you are doing. Cut contact with him, sit down, and think about the whole thing, everything. You will find that he is indeed a sleaze, no matter what way you look at it, and nothing healthy will ever become of it. Jesus christ don't make the mistake of getting involved in something that could last an eternity, being second best while he ****s his wife aswell as you. End this, even if it means taking a long holiday from work. Save yourself the hassle. You're in deep as it is and it will take you a while till you wake up. I've been there.

inmyday · 18-06-2010 11:49PM

feeling very low wrote: »

He's such a nice guy

he is not. he really really isnt. there is only one thing on his mind.

KasandraRose · 19-06-2010 03:26AM

I think you should possibly have a conversation with him regarding how inappropriate you both have been acting and how the behavior needs to stop. It might make you feel better. After that conversation, stop all communication that's not work related.

You just can't trust a married man who is hitting on another woman.

KasandraRose · 19-06-2010 03:32AM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Next time he texts you tell him you have a boyfriend and ignore any further non work related correspondence.

I don't think there's any reason to lie to him about having a boyfriend (well, of course, unless you do). Be forth right and honest with him. Tell him your relationship is inappropriate and you'd like to continue to have a postive work relationship so the flirting, texting, etc. all needs to stop. Put your foot down first so he knows where you stand.

KasandraRose · 19-06-2010 03:38AM

feeling so low wrote: »

I think its very unfair to call me a slut seeing as how nothing happened and i would never let anything happen.

I would agree, it's unfair. It seems she's got a conscience since she's posted on her trying to get help from people.

peasant · 19-06-2010 10:12PM

The simple fact that this man is prepared to cheat on his wife and children shows that he is an irresponsible, egostistical, untrustworthy arseh....

General rule of thumb for working relationships is not to get involved with those kind of people.

Simples, really

LegacyUser · 20-06-2010 09:11PM

Thank you all for the replies. They are much appreciated. I took some time over the past couple of days to think about the situation.

While I really dont think that anything would ever happen, I dont believe that he would cheat on his wife and i would never let anything happen anyway. He never actually came onto me in a way that I saw was more than a bit of flirting... he walked me to my room as they were beside each other, maybe i was overreacting as i had feelings for him. Im not sure.

Anyways, I deleted the texts that he sent me, the emails and his number... I doubt he will contact me when we wont be seeing each other for at least a few months anyway.

Hope its the right thing and that im not confusing this for something that its not and throwing away a friend...

mood · 20-06-2010 09:39PM

feeling so low wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies. They are much appreciated. I took some time over the past couple of days to think about the situation.

While I really dont think that anything would ever happen, I dont believe that he would cheat on his wife and i would never let anything happen anyway. He never actually came onto me in a way that I saw was more than a bit of flirting... he walked me to my room as they were beside each other, maybe i was overreacting as i had feelings for him. Im not sure.

Anyways, I deleted the texts that he sent me, the emails and his number... I doubt he will contact me when we wont be seeing each other for at least a few months anyway.

Hope its the right thing and that im not confusing this for something that its not and throwing away a friend...

I sure his wife wouldn't see you as his 'friend' if she ever found out about the flirting and texts etc. Seriously keep a very professional distance.

LegacyUser · 20-06-2010 09:58PM

op, be very careful when you see him a few months later.

dont waste any of your time and thoughts and energy on a taken man.

my friend did not take our advice, and thought like you that things would not happen between them. when we blamed the guy, she would say words for him, but she would also think that he was playing him... anyway, she was an emotional monster and became extremely low self esteem. after years, she is now a bitter woman. have a distorted view over men (all men are bad) and relationships.

stay away, OP. really, he just wants SEX from you. he did not make a move, because he is waiting for you to make it, so he can get away of it easily.

Falling in love with a married man

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