At a certain age do people just "Settle" for someone?

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:08AM #1

I'm wondering this myself, because I have a friend who has been engaged for 2 or 3 years, and has a house with his fiance, mortage etc. Anyways, I am great friends with this guy, and recently he told me he loved me??? I was really shocked, and did not lead him on or anything like that, and I wasn't attracted to him. I did not judge him because of it, or treat him differently or that, but it has changed our friendship. I told him to go and sort things with his fiance, and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend, and I was also thinking of his fiance. He told me that all was not well in paradise with them, and they were having problems etc, I said well try and sort it out.
I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

CianRyan · 04-04-2010 05:11AM

You should have rode him and then told him you didn't feel the same way.

Cheap Thrills! · 04-04-2010 05:13AM

ilovebiology wrote: »

I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not ne netter off breaking up, starting afresh, and both trying to find their own happiness,

Couple are probably housetrapped in negative equity, due to the stagnant property market.

CianRyan · 04-04-2010 05:15AM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Couple are probably stressed to bits and confused about what they really want

This too.

we'llallhavetea_old · 04-04-2010 05:16AM

jesus, that sounds like a living hell....

can't speak for everyone but i certainly wouldn't put myself through that.

i'd say this happens alot though..

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:16AM

CianRyan wrote: »

You should have rode him and then told him you didn't feel the same way.

Even if he was the most attractive man in the world I would never ever ever cross that line, because he was engaged. Something I would not do

Nulty · 04-04-2010 05:19AM

ilovebiology wrote: »

I'm wondering this myself, because I have a friend who has been engaged for 2 or 3 years, and has a house with his fiance, mortage etc. Anyways, I am great friends with this guy, and recently he told me he loved me??? I was really shocked, and did not lead him on or anything like that, and I wasn't attracted to him. I did not judge him because of it, or treat him differently or that, but it has changed our friendship. I told him to go and sort things with his fiance, and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend, and I was also thinking of his fiance. He told me that all was not well in paradise with them, and they were having problems etc, I said well try and sort it out.
I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

Fair play. You cleared round one! If he said to you what you've said her then he loves you and not the chick he's with. No one ever settles! It's a case of beliveing you've got no chance with any one else. Whether it be by age, looks, circumstances, etc. People obviously have to settle somewhere, otherwise every man in Ireland would leave their woman and seek out Georgia Salpa!

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:20AM

He said as well that he wants kids, and she dosn't. They have been together for over 10 years, got a house/mortage together a few years ago. Surely, before you get a house/mortage, and then getting engaged you would love the person completely, and not live a lie for the rest of your life?? It's ridiculous IMO

landsleaving · 04-04-2010 05:21AM

Nulty wrote: »

Fair play. You cleared round one! If he said to you what you've said her then he loves you and not the chick he's with. No one ever settles! It's a case of beliveing you've got no chance with any one else. Whether it be by age, looks, circumstances, etc. People obviously have to settle somewhere, otherwise every man in Ireland would leave their woman and seek out Georgia Salpa!

*Runs after bus*

CianRyan · 04-04-2010 05:22AM

ilovebiology wrote: »

Even if he was the most attractive man in the world I would never ever ever cross that line, because he was engaged. Something I would not do

Just so ya know, I wasn't actually serious.

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:23AM

I know you weren't!

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:33AM

I guess what I'm asking is, if you are in a relationship with someone for a good few years, maybe in your 30's, and are so used of them etc, would you just "settle" for that person as apposed to having to start all over again, even if you are not fully happy/in love with them? Have you heard this happen to anyone, or is anyone in a situation like this maybe?

CianRyan · 04-04-2010 05:37AM

Right, I'm 19 and have been with my girlfriend for a little over a month... I should not be thinking of this.:eek:

I'm declaring myself out.

ilovebiology · 04-04-2010 05:41AM

CianRyan wrote: »

Right, I'm 19 and have been with my girlfriend for a little over a month... I should not be thinking of this.:eek:

I'm declaring myself out.

Ha!!

You are a bit young alright to be thinking of anything like this, just yet! :P

Abi · 04-04-2010 05:51AM

Shoite weather we're having all the same. Do I take a jacket with me... do I not..? I don't like it when Marty King plays mind games with me :mad:

Nulty · 04-04-2010 06:02AM

Abitar wrote: »

Shoite weather we're having all the same. Do I take a jacket with me... do I not..? I don't like it when Marty King plays mind games with me :mad:

Oh abi...your not asking one of those questions again are you? TBH Abi, If you need to be dry, take a jacket. Otherwise feel the rain.

Have you ever seen the rain?

Abi · 04-04-2010 06:25AM

Nulty wrote: »

Oh Abi...you're not asking one of those questions again are you? TBH Abi, If you need to be dry, take a jacket. Otherwise feel the rain.

Are you post stalking me?

blinding · 04-04-2010 07:43AM

To be honest i have always wanted Marylon Monroe but I guess I will have to settle for Sharon Stone or that South African beauty. Lifes a bitch.

Is this what you mean.

Caoimhín · 04-04-2010 07:43AM

Abitar wrote: »

:mad:

Abi, i'd settle for you any day...

Owen · 04-04-2010 09:43AM

It's kinda sad, but some people get to a stage where they look at each other and both go "you're the best I'm gonna get, and I'm the best you're gonna get". That's why it's called settling down, you don't get what you want, you settle.

Thank feck I'm far too young for all that malarky

04-04-2010 10:33AM

ilovebiology wrote: »

and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend,

You're definitely Irish.

PK2008 · 04-04-2010 10:45AM

Alot of people settle. You can always spot the ones that do cos they try to convince everyone else they've found their soulmate.

"I thought I was in love in my last 3 relationships but now I know Ive really found my soulmate" - classic settler

dlofnep · 04-04-2010 10:54AM

People definately settle.

First, you want the moon and the stars. Good looks, great personality, great potential!

After a few years, if you haven't found someone - you might be content with someone who's just nice to be around.

I remember reading a story a few years back about this couple who got married at 60. Said they didn't want to die alone, so that's why they got married. Were more friends than lovers.

That guy is clearly not happy. I wouldn't bother patch up things, as it would get progressively worse. He should cut his losses. You only live once - I wouldn't want to live it the wrong way for the sake of a few grand invested into a mortgage.

bronte · 04-04-2010 11:03AM

I want to believe people don't settle , that they end up with the person they're supposed to be with. I do think I've seen it happen though. Maybe it's the fear some people have of ending up alone?
That situation with your mate is messed up.
You did the right thing. He needs to be really honest with himself.
The kids thing is a bit of a dealbreaker no?

It seems like they're on two completely different pages.
Best think you can do is urge him to come clean to his OH about all this crap that's been bothering him, because it seems as if he's been bottling it up.

cafecolour · 04-04-2010 11:21AM

Some people definitely settle for someone. Not everyone does though.

Some folks are very 'in love' and infatuated at first, and when that fades, they turn out not to be that compatible (ie wants kids vs doesn't want kids) but feel obligated to stay. Especially if one partner is still more into them they may feel guilty about leaving. This might be your friend.

Some folks so desperately want the house, kids, and such that all that's more important than who they get it with.

Some folks do just settle out of fear or loneliness.

On the other hand, you have to compromise a bit to be in a LTR. The initial rush of love doesn't necessarily last, and ideally turns into comfortableness and compatibility. If constantly seeking the thrill of a new infatuation, that's not going to last either.

theg81der · 04-04-2010 11:30AM

Even if you did meet you"soul mate" or whatever life would get in the way. Ups and downs, fancying a bit of strange, money problems, children problems, family problems, bad health, the list is endless.......I believe real love is what happens after you go through all these things with another person not the wishy washy butterflies in your tummy movie crap.

Anything else is a very immature view of a relationship. Lust will tend to make guys think they`re "in love" but its rubbish, ten years with you and a few miles on the clock he`d think he was "in love" with the next girl, if he`s that type of guy which he obviously is.

Biggins · 04-04-2010 12:08PM

ilovebiology wrote: »

...I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

I sure some people do settle. Some however when they do so, manage to find some sort of compromise where when reached find a level of happiness that suits them sufficiently.

Where future problems lay when "settling" is if the foundation of the relationship is not strong to begin with. If there are cracks, doubts, mis-trusts, etc... If they exist and are not resolved from an early stage, the cracks will smoulderingly fester away till some point when the foundation cracks big time and possibly brings down everything else built on top.
Then the damage-limitation people often have to step in thru some form or other.

Do Irish people "settle"? I'm sure they do but no more than any other nationality average-wide maybe.

Would they be better off breaking up? Probably, if there was serious doubts as to staying faithful to the person who's hand ye would be holding.
If you can't look at the person in front of you and easily say, without hesitation "I can spend the rest of my life with you" - then you need to think twice before signing that marriage contract.

The_Kew_Tour · 04-04-2010 12:14PM

I know few people friends included who have been having there fun on side while either married or engaged.

Its becoming more common im afraid. Even out myself I have had few married women chat me up.

I dont understand why get married, pay bucket full cash for wedding if your going play away from home. Pointless and stupid.

But yes I do think people settle down after while feeling they have too rather then they want too.

Claasman · 04-04-2010 12:16PM

What do ye think the percentage of people who just settle for someone, is?

Biggins · 04-04-2010 12:18PM

Claasman wrote: »

What do ye think the percentage of people who just settle do someone, is?

Thats a hard one to assess. Not ALL would admit to "settling" so there would be a high degree margin of error either way.
I couldn't even begin to guess at a figure.

MaybeLogic · 04-04-2010 12:20PM

adrian280582 wrote: »

I dont understand why get married, pay bucket full cash for wedding if your going play away from home. Pointless and stupid.

.

Because monogamy is not a natural inclination, it's a moral invention?
Unless you're a swan.

At a certain age do people just "Settle" for someone?

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