At a certain age do people just "Settle" for someone?

ilovebiology

I'm wondering this myself, because I have a friend who has been engaged for 2 or 3 years, and has a house with his fiance, mortage etc. Anyways, I am great friends with this guy, and recently he told me he loved me??? I was really shocked, and did not lead him on or anything like that, and I wasn't attracted to him. I did not judge him because of it, or treat him differently or that, but it has changed our friendship. I told him to go and sort things with his fiance, and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend, and I was also thinking of his fiance. He told me that all was not well in paradise with them, and they were having problems etc, I said well try and sort it out.
I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

CianRyan

You should have rode him and then told him you didn't feel the same way.

Cheap Thrills!

ilovebiology wrote: »

I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not ne netter off breaking up, starting afresh, and both trying to find their own happiness,

Couple are probably housetrapped in negative equity, due to the stagnant property market.

CianRyan

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Couple are probably stressed to bits and confused about what they really want

This too.

we'llallhavetea_old

jesus, that sounds like a living hell....

can't speak for everyone but i certainly wouldn't put myself through that.

i'd say this happens alot though..

ilovebiology

CianRyan wrote: »

You should have rode him and then told him you didn't feel the same way.

Even if he was the most attractive man in the world I would never ever ever cross that line, because he was engaged. Something I would not do

Nulty

ilovebiology wrote: »

I'm wondering this myself, because I have a friend who has been engaged for 2 or 3 years, and has a house with his fiance, mortage etc. Anyways, I am great friends with this guy, and recently he told me he loved me??? I was really shocked, and did not lead him on or anything like that, and I wasn't attracted to him. I did not judge him because of it, or treat him differently or that, but it has changed our friendship. I told him to go and sort things with his fiance, and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend, and I was also thinking of his fiance. He told me that all was not well in paradise with them, and they were having problems etc, I said well try and sort it out.
I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

Fair play. You cleared round one! If he said to you what you've said her then he loves you and not the chick he's with. No one ever settles! It's a case of beliveing you've got no chance with any one else. Whether it be by age, looks, circumstances, etc. People obviously have to settle somewhere, otherwise every man in Ireland would leave their woman and seek out Georgia Salpa!

ilovebiology

He said as well that he wants kids, and she dosn't. They have been together for over 10 years, got a house/mortage together a few years ago. Surely, before you get a house/mortage, and then getting engaged you would love the person completely, and not live a lie for the rest of your life?? It's ridiculous IMO

landsleaving

Nulty wrote: »

Fair play. You cleared round one! If he said to you what you've said her then he loves you and not the chick he's with. No one ever settles! It's a case of beliveing you've got no chance with any one else. Whether it be by age, looks, circumstances, etc. People obviously have to settle somewhere, otherwise every man in Ireland would leave their woman and seek out Georgia Salpa!

*Runs after bus*

CianRyan

ilovebiology wrote: »

Even if he was the most attractive man in the world I would never ever ever cross that line, because he was engaged. Something I would not do

Just so ya know, I wasn't actually serious.

ilovebiology

I know you weren't!

ilovebiology

I guess what I'm asking is, if you are in a relationship with someone for a good few years, maybe in your 30's, and are so used of them etc, would you just "settle" for that person as apposed to having to start all over again, even if you are not fully happy/in love with them? Have you heard this happen to anyone, or is anyone in a situation like this maybe?

CianRyan

Right, I'm 19 and have been with my girlfriend for a little over a month... I should not be thinking of this.:eek:

I'm declaring myself out.

ilovebiology

CianRyan wrote: »

Right, I'm 19 and have been with my girlfriend for a little over a month... I should not be thinking of this.:eek:

I'm declaring myself out.

Ha!! You are a bit young alright to be thinking of anything like this, just yet! :P

Abi

Shoite weather we're having all the same. Do I take a jacket with me... do I not..? I don't like it when Marty King plays mind games with me :mad:

Nulty

Abitar wrote: »

Shoite weather we're having all the same. Do I take a jacket with me... do I not..? I don't like it when Marty King plays mind games with me :mad:

Oh abi...your not asking one of those questions again are you? TBH Abi, If you need to be dry, take a jacket. Otherwise feel the rain.

Have you ever seen the rain?

Abi

Nulty wrote: »

Oh Abi...you're not asking one of those questions again are you? TBH Abi, If you need to be dry, take a jacket. Otherwise feel the rain.

Are you post stalking me?

blinding

To be honest i have always wanted Marylon Monroe but I guess I will have to settle for Sharon Stone or that South African beauty. Lifes a bitch.

Is this what you mean.

Caoimhín

Abitar wrote: »

:mad:

Abi, i'd settle for you any day...

Owen

It's kinda sad, but some people get to a stage where they look at each other and both go "you're the best I'm gonna get, and I'm the best you're gonna get". That's why it's called settling down, you don't get what you want, you settle.

Thank feck I'm far too young for all that malarky

ilovebiology

ilovebiology wrote: »

and would not start up anything with him, because I respected him as a friend,

You're definitely Irish.

PK2008

Alot of people settle. You can always spot the ones that do cos they try to convince everyone else they've found their soulmate.

"I thought I was in love in my last 3 relationships but now I know Ive really found my soulmate" - classic settler

dlofnep

People definately settle.

First, you want the moon and the stars. Good looks, great personality, great potential!

After a few years, if you haven't found someone - you might be content with someone who's just nice to be around.

I remember reading a story a few years back about this couple who got married at 60. Said they didn't want to die alone, so that's why they got married. Were more friends than lovers.

That guy is clearly not happy. I wouldn't bother patch up things, as it would get progressively worse. He should cut his losses. You only live once - I wouldn't want to live it the wrong way for the sake of a few grand invested into a mortgage.

bronte

I want to believe people don't settle , that they end up with the person they're supposed to be with. I do think I've seen it happen though. Maybe it's the fear some people have of ending up alone?
That situation with your mate is messed up.
You did the right thing. He needs to be really honest with himself.
The kids thing is a bit of a dealbreaker no?

It seems like they're on two completely different pages.
Best think you can do is urge him to come clean to his OH about all this crap that's been bothering him, because it seems as if he's been bottling it up.

cafecolour

Some people definitely settle for someone. Not everyone does though.

Some folks are very 'in love' and infatuated at first, and when that fades, they turn out not to be that compatible (ie wants kids vs doesn't want kids) but feel obligated to stay. Especially if one partner is still more into them they may feel guilty about leaving. This might be your friend.

Some folks so desperately want the house, kids, and such that all that's more important than who they get it with.

Some folks do just settle out of fear or loneliness.

On the other hand, you have to compromise a bit to be in a LTR. The initial rush of love doesn't necessarily last, and ideally turns into comfortableness and compatibility. If constantly seeking the thrill of a new infatuation, that's not going to last either.

theg81der

Even if you did meet you"soul mate" or whatever life would get in the way. Ups and downs, fancying a bit of strange, money problems, children problems, family problems, bad health, the list is endless.......I believe real love is what happens after you go through all these things with another person not the wishy washy butterflies in your tummy movie crap.

Anything else is a very immature view of a relationship. Lust will tend to make guys think they`re "in love" but its rubbish, ten years with you and a few miles on the clock he`d think he was "in love" with the next girl, if he`s that type of guy which he obviously is.

Biggins

ilovebiology wrote: »

...I guess what I'm asking is, if 2 people are together for a few years, then decide to get engaged, have a house and mortage together, but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her, do people just settle with a person even if they are not happy with them? Would they not be better off breaking up, starting a fresh, and both trying to find their own happiness, instead of getting married, and living a lie??? Do irish people just "Settle" with the person they are with, due to avoid hurting the other person, or a house/mortage involved, or the thoughts of trying to find someone new again?

I sure some people do settle. Some however when they do so, manage to find some sort of compromise where when reached find a level of happiness that suits them sufficiently.

Where future problems lay when "settling" is if the foundation of the relationship is not strong to begin with. If there are cracks, doubts, mis-trusts, etc... If they exist and are not resolved from an early stage, the cracks will smoulderingly fester away till some point when the foundation cracks big time and possibly brings down everything else built on top.
Then the damage-limitation people often have to step in thru some form or other.

Do Irish people "settle"? I'm sure they do but no more than any other nationality average-wide maybe.

Would they be better off breaking up? Probably, if there was serious doubts as to staying faithful to the person who's hand ye would be holding.
If you can't look at the person in front of you and easily say, without hesitation "I can spend the rest of my life with you" - then you need to think twice before signing that marriage contract.

The_Kew_Tour

I know few people friends included who have been having there fun on side while either married or engaged.

Its becoming more common im afraid. Even out myself I have had few married women chat me up.

I dont understand why get married, pay bucket full cash for wedding if your going play away from home. Pointless and stupid.

But yes I do think people settle down after while feeling they have too rather then they want too.

Claasman

What do ye think the percentage of people who just settle for someone, is?

Biggins

Claasman wrote: »

What do ye think the percentage of people who just settle do someone, is?

Thats a hard one to assess. Not ALL would admit to "settling" so there would be a high degree margin of error either way.
I couldn't even begin to guess at a figure.

MaybeLogic

adrian280582 wrote: »

I dont understand why get married, pay bucket full cash for wedding if your going play away from home. Pointless and stupid.

.

Because monogamy is not a natural inclination, it's a moral invention?
Unless you're a swan.

gbee

You know one thing about the Irish, we are very loyal. If you trigger that in us we will stay to the ends of the earth.

There is love and lust too and not to be confused. In Irish society it is as of yet unspoken, though if you've been poisoned by TV soaps you'll think it normal to love the spouse but have rampant exploits elsewhere.

Yet again it is not an unknown criteria to choose one's spouse for gene reproduction, and look for excitement elsewhere. In some cultures the wife has duties and the husband is expected satisfy himself outside the home, his fatherly duties are required as per the family plan they've agreed upon.

32 years married to the same woman myself, for the first twenty years I was in love with a new woman each week ... I never did anything about it though, I throw that in as I believe all men would have the same feelings.

Biggins

Congrat's on the 32 years sir. My respect to you.

Le King

I suppose they do.

Cianos

Settling is the easy option. Breaking up is always harder. If you have doubts, it's always more convenient to put them aside 'til tomorrow, then the next day, then the next day. Next thing you know, you're talking about getting a mortgage together. So that becomes a focal point for the relationship, with the idea that once we get the mortgage, things will be better. Next is kids, another distraction, and unfortunately for the kids themselves a living and breathing middle ground of a relationship that was never supposed to last this long in the first place.

Biggins

I was going ponder with everyone, another question that is related to this subject but I will start up another thread instead of mis-directing this one.

Mr Benevolent

otherwise every man in Ireland would leave their woman and seek out Georgia Salpa!

Why? Anyone who does ads for FAS doesn't make enough money.

SugarHigh

Everyone settles. If you think you couldn't possibly meet someone better than the one you are with now than you just don't understand maths.

OutlawPete

I'd rather die alone than be with someone who was a heartless bitch.

Never settle when it comes to personality.

Some people say life's too short, I say it can be too fucking long in the wrong company.

mikom

ilovebiology wrote: »

I have a friend who has been engaged for 2 or 3 years, and has a house with his fiance, mortage etc. Anyways, I am great friends with this guy, and recently he told me he loved me???

but as he told me he is not "Fully" happy with her,

The dude sounds like a tosser.
A warning if you should hook up with him............ don't burn his toast or stink out the bathroom in the morning.

Damo123

SugarHigh wrote: »

Everyone settles. If you think you couldn't possibly meet someone better than the one you are with now than you just don't understand maths.

I dont understand maths but even I know that if you keep leaving partners because (based on maths) you could get yourself a better one eventually you will lose. Ya know someone can only be a certain amount of 'perfectness' for you.

And also how do you know that after you leave your 'almost perfect' partner hoping for a more perfect one it will happen. You dont know that he/she will like you... they could love someone else.. or as this thread suggests- they could be settled and trapped with somebody else. You dont know what their circumstances are. I mean you could meet your absolute perfect partner and shes about to join the nuns.. or she could be terminally ill...

And something else you might want to think about is that you yourself arent getting any younger... the older you get the less likely it is your going to attract the opposite sex. Actually I think I said that wrong. In younger generations there are lots of single people. In older generations most (or alot) of them have married... so your kinda limited.

Oh and one other point. How do you know you will even find this better partner. She could be sitting over in a little mud hut somewhere in Mongolia ffs

mikom

Damo123 wrote: »

How do you know you will even find this better partner. She could be sitting over in a little mud hut somewhere in Mongolia ffs

If she is..... she better have my tea ready when I get home.

Biggins

mikom wrote: »

If she is..... she better have my tea ready when I get home.

Sorry, she is taken already: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1262574/My-Masai-Mr-Right-Why-middle-class-woman-giving-life-luxury-live-mud-hut-African-warrior.html

Abi

OutlawPete wrote: »

I'd rather die alone than be with someone who was a heartless bitch.

Never settle when it comes to personality.

Some people say life's too short, I say it can be too fucking long in the wrong company.

Right on the money as usual Pete. If you're gonna be around someone for the long haul, it needs to be someone that you can have the laughs with.

I tried the marraige thing with the wrong person, and fuck me was I miserable. I was with him a while, and in hindsight I went through with it because I figured thats just what you do after a while isn't? Well guess what.. no it isn't.... =/

SugarHigh

Damo123 wrote: »

I dont understand maths but even I know that if you keep leaving partners because (based on maths) you could get yourself a better one eventually you will lose. Ya know someone can only be a certain amount of 'perfectness' for you.

And also how do you know that after you leave your 'almost perfect' partner hoping for a more perfect one it will happen. You dont know that he/she will like you... they could love someone else.. or as this thread suggests- they could be settled and trapped with somebody else. You dont know what their circumstances are. I mean you could meet your absolute perfect partner and shes about to join the nuns.. or she could be terminally ill...

And something else you might want to think about is that you yourself arent getting any younger... the older you get the less likely it is your going to attract the opposite sex. Actually I think I said that wrong. In younger generations there are lots of single people. In older generations most (or alot) of them have married... so your kinda limited.

Oh and one other point. How do you know you will even find this better partner. She could be sitting over in a little mud hut somewhere in Mongolia ffs

I agree with you and these are all the reasons why people settle.

There is always someone better though.*



*Unless you got that one person on top of the pile which is very unlikely.

ilovebiology

OutlawPete wrote: »

I'd rather die alone than be with someone who was a heartless bitch.

Never settle when it comes to personality.

Some people say life's too short, I say it can be too fucking long in the wrong company.

I agree completely. I don't understand how he was willing to commit infidelity, willing to not have kids even though he wants them, and is not "Fully" happy with the person, and is still going to marry her. He is just living a complete lie, and why he is willing to go through with it baffles me, because if he tried to be unfaithful once, he would try it again, and what then if she ever found out?

ilovebiology

Claasman wrote: »

What do ye think the percentage of people who just settle for someone, is?

This would be an interesting statistic if people were to tell the truth about if they just "settled" for someone in the end!

bonerm

ilovebiology wrote: »

This would be an interesting statistic if people were to tell the truth about if they just "settled" for someone in the end!

That's a social statistic that's about as unlikely to ever be accurately gauged as "% of women who have lied to their partners about who the true fathers of their child(ren) are".

Bugnug

Your so called friend sounds like a complete mess of an individual. Engaged 2 or 3 times and trying to cheat on his current fiance with his best friend. Jesus christ, wake up girl, does this guy sound like somebody you would even want to be in the same room as? And to your other questions the answer is that most well balanced happy secure people find somebody that they love, trust and respect, they fall in love, have a family if they can and live very happily as a couple for the rest of thier lives. People who grow up to become adults and take responsibility for their feeling and actions unlike your messed up buddy. Run run away and stay away is my advice. This guy would try it on with anything that looked at him from the sound of things, what a looser.

df1985

no relationship is fairytale perfect though, i wouldnt call it settling, but theres a lot of compromise to be done!

ilovebiology

df1985 wrote: »

no relationship is fairytale perfect though, i would call it settling, but theres a lot of compromise to be done!

I agree. But I think in order for all that to be achieved you would want to love the person completely, and agree on whether you both want kids etc, or contenplating cheating on them :rolleyes: