A very unhapppy groom

kippy wrote: »

Life is short.
You'll only have two occasions where you can have all those that mean something to you, family friends, relations etc in the same room at the same time (Even a few who may not mean too much to you.)
One of those occasions is a wedding, the other is your funeral.

30th, 40th Birthday?

Also, you may not want everyone you are friends with together at the sametime. Say you have 100 people you know at your wedding. It starts at 2. Finishes at 3. 13 hours. Subtract hours for travel, meal, photos, ceremony, speeches, going to the toilet and you are left with about 5 hours for 100 people.

That means you have 3 minutes for each of your 100 people, without taking breaks which goes to two minutes as it usually takes at least a minute to thank them for coming in.

So for the hassels they go to and you go to you get two minutes on average.

One thing I felt very bad about my wedding was that people I knew made a huge effort and I didn't get enough time to talk to them personally and in depth - it was real hi / bye / go to fly stuff. And when I go to other peoples weddings it is usually the same back.

WaltKowalski wrote: »

This isn't a male vs female issue.

I'm a female who wasn't into the whole traditional irish wedding shindig. When we got engaged, my initial plan was to elope.
...

Yes it is. You are the exception. The majority of women have completly different views to weddings then men. Have a look at weddingsonline. 99% of users are women.
Have a look at women's magazines, clothes shops? In general we're different. Yes there are always exceptions. Men usually don't give a cr*p about the wedding. In my own case I was also an exception and did give a cr*p about it and put a lot of work and time in but none of friends did.

Tim Robbins wrote: »

30th, 40th Birthday?

Also, you may not want everyone you are friends with together at the sametime. Say you have 100 people you know at your wedding. It starts at 2. Finishes at 3. 13 hours. Subtract hours for travel, meal, photos, ceremony, speeches, going to the toilet and you are left with about 5 hours for 100 people.

That means you have 3 minutes for each of your 100 people, without taking breaks which goes to two minutes as it usually takes at least a minute to thank them for coming in.

So for the hassels they go to and you go to you get two minutes on average.

One thing I felt very bad about my wedding was that people I knew made a huge effort and I didn't get enough time to talk to them personally and in depth - it was real hi / bye / go to fly stuff. And when I go to other peoples weddings it is usually the same back.

It'd be a big birthday party........and not the same thing at all in my eyes.....
Yeah, you dont get to see everyone individually that long but your speech alone goes a good to way to put across to all about how you feel. And the craic doing the Seige of Ennis and all those other wedding dances is hard to beat with all those people there.

BlueBranch wrote: »

Yeah - that is one of the reasons I'm not keen on traditional weddings. You don't get to talk to anybody anyway - all my friends have told me the same.

And before I understood that better I remember being very offended at a friends wedding when I felt I got short shrift

Or you take a day off work only to get a cr*p table with no-one you know. I hate weddings. I hate the lack of imagination. I hate the showing off. I hate the small talk. They are usually drawn out cr*p.

That said my own was great and a few recent ones on my wife's side weren't too bad.

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Yes it is. You are the exception. The majority of women have completly different views to weddings then men. Have a look at weddingsonline. 99% of users are women.
Have a look at women's magazines, clothes shops? In general we're different. Yes there are always exceptions. Men usually don't give a cr*p about the wedding. In my own case I was also an exception and did give a cr*p about it and put a lot of work and time in but none of friends did.

I'm familiar with the website!
We must be the exception so cos my fella is more into the big do than I am!

Men propose 99% of the time. What do ye expect to follow an accepted proposal?

whatdoicare wrote: »

would you not think that it'd be worth it all to see your lovely wife-to-be happy as larry in her big dress, in front of the people she wanted there, in the place that she wanted, living her dream?? My hubby agrees that that would be worth any stress and money to see that!

Ahem! Sorry to burst the bubble here, but what's the betting that that agreeable comment was before rather than after sex.

Mars. Venus.

whatdoicare wrote: »

Usually, it's a sense of - well that's my job done, call me when it's time to try on my suit.
My fella put a huge amount of thought and effort into our engagement and has put a few ideas across for the wedding- which I've agreed on (bar being picked up after ceremony by a monster truck - true story) but really he doesn't want to get into the invites, dress, flowers side of it and leaves it to me to do- same situation with the twelve friends of mine who've all gotten married before me in vastly different ways. It's just how it is.

I wouldn't mind him not being involved in the organisation of the event.

What I don't understand is why someone would go to the trouble of making a, presumably, romantic proposal, buying a relatively expensive piece of jewellery, and then being surprised by the fuss that follows.

whatdoicare wrote: »

Then it's time to go your separate ways. If your ideas matter to you more than your love of her, then why bother at all? Is it really about the wedding or is it really all about winning an argument?

This is super hypocritical, extraordinary from the person who said an hour beforehand:

whatdoicare wrote: »

The real question here is: "Would you really take the dream of a certain type of wedding away from your loved one?"

If she has always dreamed of this day (and lets face it 99%* of all girls dream of their big day) and has it in her mind in a certain way- it's just a waste of time trying to force her to change her dream.

Talk about a sense of entitlement! This is as sexist as it comes. If she really loved him she wouldn't think twice about giving up her ideas for something much greater, much more real and much more private: love. Instead, she hangs on to an idea and a dogma she has had since she was a child. So much for all those songs to the effect that "love changes everything".

You say that you want to compromise - so do.
At the moment your idea of compromise appears to be to do things your way and not take your intendeds ideas on board at all. Trust me, and all the others that have mentioned it, this WILL come back to haunt you.

Expense is generally nowadays a non-starter for an excuse as so many people give cash as presents or pay for cars/flowers/pics etc. that a lot of your outlay can be recouped.

I'd go with the small wedding and dinner, strictly direct family only, and a party that night for all the rest. The party will cost you nothing and you can disappear after the first 30 minutes in any case, particularly in a party setting. That gives you most of the day together with just your nearest and dearest and a couple of hours for your Mrs to indulge all her friends and relations. I've been to a great one of those and it worked out a treat for the couple. He loved it and he's one of the most anti-social b&*&*& you could find!!

For my own wedding (20 something years ago!!) I had 20 guests, Mrs had 20 and each of our mothers got to invite 20 each so there was a limit of 80. If I didn't impose that I know that my mother would have filled up Cork Opera House.

One of the best and most memorable I was at, in Maryborough House, had 14 guests. 12 for the daytime and only 2 of us invited down for the 'afters' !! It reminded me of the old 'family around the fire at Christmas' scenario, and it was a brilliant night. They were fortunate in that both of them had the same ideas from the start.

TBH, you're going to have to do more compromising than she is. At the moment it appears that you're giving her nothing. Your family knows how you stand and know you well but hers is an entirely different ball game. I'm sure that they know their daughter well and know of all the dreams and hopes that she's had for her wedding. I'll say it again, it WILL come back to haunt you.

whatdoicare wrote: »

...his wife to be is important and she should be the most important person in the world to him, more important to him than himself. If she isn't, then there's something wrong here.

Oh Christ almighty.:rolleyes:

twowheelsonly wrote: »

One of the best and most memorable I was at, in Maryborough House, had 14 guests. 12 for the daytime and only 2 of us invited down for the 'afters' !! It reminded me of the old 'family around the fire at Christmas' scenario, and it was a brilliant night. They were fortunate in that both of them had the same ideas from the start.

That does actually sound quite lovely. I'd have the day there if we could afford it aswell, beautiful venue and great food . Just will mean alot to us having everyone in one place rather than in 3 countries for a change.

OP, forget the sniping here. Have it out with her. There is always a compromise.

For me, I knew I would have to organise it so I took out the church, the cars, the band, the flowers, the chair covers and all the other fiddly crap that no- one remembers. He'll be in charge of invites and music and I'll make sure the dress is as cheap as I can make it while still having what I want. The honeymoon is our bone of contention .

Just don't fall out over it! If you need ideas ask friends and family, look at the stuff here it's not supposed to be the biggest day of your lives, it's supposed to be the best day of your lives.

I would hazard a guess that every single bone in your fiances body wants this. She would LOVE to have her big princess day. Not a single logical thought in that - she is only going to get married once.

I did the full wedding on a shoe string budget. Friends/family members did so much.

My opinion on a compromise is a shoe string wedding and a brilliant honeymoon.

To be honest you cant resent spending money on wedding (for all the education you could get) but be willing to spend it on eloping. You cant have it both ways.

fuelinjection wrote: »

Ehhhhh ... both the Groom and the Bride are of equal importance. 50/50 or else it is pure selfishness on one part. There are 2 people getting married not one. No matter how many magazines you quote.

I have been best-man at two now and never felt the man was just going along with the ceremony like a child at a Communion. Although I was invited as a guest to another wedding in Portlaoise and the Bride was a complete nightmare ... we were joking at the bar about giving her some vallium to get her to treat people like humans. Bride-zilla they call it in America no ?

Yeah? Well, it's the bride the photographer takes photos of getting ready, yeah? She goes in the fancy car, right? She gets the big dress that really stands out, no? The bouquet? The groom wears pretty much what the best men wear, isn't that right? He's standing up the top waiting for the bride, yeah? She gets the big entrance, isn't that correct? Everyone stands up as the bride walks up the aisle with her dad- no? Everyone comments on the brides dress, am I wrong? Noone takes notice of the groom until she's nearly up the aisle and only to take notice of his reaction to said bride and her wonderful dress.

It's all about the bride, if it was all about the groom it'd be him walking up the aisle in a white suit with the bride in a plainer outfit waiting for him.