Best one liners in Sport / Entertainment

'And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row'
Vitas Gerulaitis after he finally beat Jimmy Connors having lost in their previous 16 meetings.

'I asked him,'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said,'Coach, I don't know and I don't care'.
Frank Layden, former Utah Jazz coach.

Gordon Strachan on the whereabouts of delgado........." Theres been more sightings of the lochness monster"

George:

The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related

davyjose wrote: »

Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Mae West

She also referred to herself as "Pure as the driven slush"

Genius.

adrian280582 wrote: »

Eamon Dunphy: "Look at Graeme, he won four Champions Leagues."
Graeme Souness: " Three."
Dunphy: " He won four league titles."
Souness: "Five."
Dunphy: "It's not bloody Mastermind."

That's a very good one, very funny!

Strachan is some man for the quotes. I think the Sun still do the "Sporting Insight"
quotes every Thursday or Friday in the centre pages. You always get some crackers.

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god ! What have I just said?'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked... 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this..'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself..

Graeme Souness: "Who did you manage?"
Eamon Dunphy: "Nobody. I've managed to stay alive for 63 and a half years baby"

The legend that is Gazza, not all one liners or quotes but hilarious none-the-less :

[FONT=&quot]Let us remember his contribution...

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing.

8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."

18)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.

20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'.

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.

27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.

29) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo.

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'.

38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."

40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh".

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.

49)Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Stephan Hunt on Dunphy:
"He's a skinny rat, a skinny little rat."

The funniest bit of sports broadcasting ever: Brian Johnston trying to remain professional after a gaffe by Jonathan Agnew.

Eamonn Dunphy on the directors at Real Madrid:

Bill, Bill... those directors over there are on another planet. They're on mushrooms or something... They're on acid Bill!!!

munster are playing bourgoin in geneva.

The commentator goes;

"i havent a swiss why o'gara decided to kick for touch"