is this harsh

DoireNod · 07-09-2009 10:51AM

mariaalice wrote: »

i was having a discussion with my teenage daughter about college...if she gets into the college she want..i live just about near enough for her to commute there by car.....some of her cousins do that...

now im dead set again that and my reasons are

at 18 she'll be an adult and i want her to go away to college

i want her... to realise that if you don't budge properly and spend all you money on drink or what ever youll go hungry

if you don't do your laundry you'll run out of clean clothes

to learn that you have to get yourself up in the morning

i want her to make new friend, have different experiences, cook for herself

to learn that you parents wouldn't always be there to rescue you.

her cousins that commute to college still hang around with the same friends they had in secondary school...with the parents getting them up for college, making there lunch and doing there laundry :eek::eek:

i think that like saying have the privileges of being an adult with out the responsibility.

instead of parents helping fund a car for the children they could be using that money to help them move out and live near college...

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

Not harsh at all. Liberation is the best gift you can give them!

keen · 07-09-2009 10:54AM

You could just let her stay at home and let her do her own cleaning and set her own alarm clock.

Kipperhell · 07-09-2009 11:56AM

OP

I understand what you are saying but you are under the impression that those life skills are the most important thing right now. There is an inevitability to most of them. College is a big transitional change in itself and will take quite a bit of getting used to. Lots of people drop out in the first year.

Progression is probably best for your child. You should probably just progress things. When I went to college I got no money for anything but still lived at home. So if I wanted something I had to pay for it. I was given board, food and transport. Started living more like a lodger as I had to do everything for myself. You don't have to increase expenses by making the child move out. Just because they will be living at home doesn't mean you have to treat them as you did when they were in school
Many first years do wild enough stuff still living at home, I know I did.

07-09-2009 12:06PM

mariaalice wrote: »

now i know I'll probably be slated for this...

i know the vast majority of 18..19..20yearolds..love and respect there parents, understand how hard they work ect...do there own laundry, cook, and clean up after themselves help with the housework... never have a few mates over for a party when their parents are away...ye are all saints!.....

but to the tiny weeny minority that engage in what id call magical thinking....for example the 20year old student that told me i pay for my own car... translation i pay for petrol with money from my part time job convientily forgetting about the tax, insurance, nct, that was paid for by their parents.

The son of someone i work with who was looking for a part-time job said he wanted to work in a music shop or xtravision and that he wouldn't work in a place like supermacks or McDonald's..he wanted a "nice" job...i know im going to get replies saying id take any job.

on deeper point...i would like to keep my daughter away from the consumerest/ wage slave culture we live in for as long as possible....a car costs thousands to run..im also against student get ting credit cards.

your time as a student should be a bout discovering yourself, losing the bonds with home ( while always knowing home is there if you need it )...having fun and being free of a lot of responsibilities,

OP - you clearly have decided that what you are doing is not harsh, so why ask our opinion?

I don't think there is any harm in allowing your daughter to fend for herself but you can do this by making her do her own washing, cook her own meals, even paying rent. You mentioned that you are going to pay for her accomodation - this is hardly letting her stand on her own two feet either is it?

One statement I find bizarre is that 'her cousins still hang around with their secondary school friends'. This is a great thing! this means they have made friends for life. My husband is all grown up, married with kids etc and his group of about 15 very very close friends who we see regularly are all from primary and secondary school. It's normal!

Ginny · 07-09-2009 12:14PM

I'm still not understanding how if she lives at home you'd HAVE to fund a car for her.
I worked part-time jobs throughout college, paid rent to my parents and bought a car to get to and from college (after getting a bus then train for 2 years). I lived with my parents till 25. Since I was about 15 I did my own clothes washing, bought my own food and was generally treated and acted like an adult.
Kids will only become molly coddled if the parents let them, living at home does not = mollycolled kids, xhe could learn how to be an adult while living at home once you treat her like one.

asdasd · 07-09-2009 12:16PM

I really dont get why anybody going to college would want to stay at home, have to I understand, want to I dont get.

I left home at 17 and am still have good relationship with my folks, maybe becuase I did. Later in life I spent two 3 month's sesions at their place, but paid up - once just after college and once when unemplyed after coming home from abroad. So it goes. We got on fine.

The thing is my college years were much better for meeting the people I lived with - who were in my course ( well from 2nd year). Did I learn to cook. Yeah, badly. I learned to get on with people in shared housing which is a big learn. the days of buying houses at 23 are hopefully over.

I dont get why people dont want the whole experience, and it seems unique to Ireland for staying at home to be so common. The UK's universities are so spread out that peolple have to leave home, and very few people go to their local uni. The positioning of the majpr universities in Ireland in Dublin, and other major cities was a mistake ( look at where Cambridge, and Oxford are) . And putting so many in one city another mistake. Someone from Liverpool who wants to stay in Liverpool has one option out of a hundred or so, the Dubliner has half the uni's on their doorstep. Even a Londoner has plenty of non-London options, and will probably move out for a London college anyway. Americans cross coasts and go live in Frat houses. Thats the experience. 18, away from home, new friends.

I had that, as some people do. Lived with guys, beside girls from the same college, in houses big enough for 4/5 sharing. Good times. At least for us. Neighbours not so happy.

( and it wasnt all partying either, one thing to learn whene living with people is when not to party).

Anyway.....

WeeBushy · 07-09-2009 12:20PM

Deleted User wrote: »

One statement I find bizarre is that 'her cousins still hang around with their secondary school friends'. This is a great thing! this means they have made friends for life. My husband is all grown up, married with kids etc and his group of about 15 very very close friends who we see regularly are all from primary and secondary school. It's normal!

Agree completely. There is nothing wrong with staying close to friends from school. If you've made good, close friends why cut ties with them just because you go to college? Of course college is a great place to meet new people and make new friends, sure who doesn't want more friends! But to say that its in someway bad that they hang out with friends from school is stupid.

You talk about wanting her to experience life and grow up, and yet you're trying to control her decisions at the same time.
Do you want to her to grow up by herself, or how you think she should grow up? Because you're coming across as the second right now.

dub_skav · 07-09-2009 12:21PM

|I'm shocked that so many people on here seem to think that either moving out or going to college is the time to be learning life skills.

It should have been done long before that. I was washing my own clothes from the start of secondary school - mostly because of the vast quantities of filthy sports gear to be washed.
I could cook for myself from 13 and cooked for the family on a regular basis too. I had jobs of various sorts from a young age starting with paper rounds moving up to lounge boy, barman etc

I do not think I am an exceptional case, I believe that children need to understand the value of money and how to look after themselves from a young age.

having said all that I did live at home while in college. I continuied to cook and clean for myself while also maintaining jobs throughout my 4 years. When I graduated and got a job i moved out and have only been back briefly.

laugh · 07-09-2009 12:24PM

What the feck happened after hours? Where did all the Johnny sensibles come from?

Any way I like that you want her to move out, it shows a clear lack of control freakery.

asdasd · 07-09-2009 12:25PM

What the feck happened after hours? Where did all the Johnny sensibles come from?

It's midday, so the others are asleep.

WeeBushy · 07-09-2009 12:25PM

laugh wrote: »

What the feck happened after hours? Where did all the Johnny sensibles come from?

Jeez you're right...

My new advice: Make her move in with me so i can ride her.

asdasd · 07-09-2009 12:27PM

Ah, they're waking up now. I see.

laugh · 07-09-2009 12:35PM

asdasd wrote: »

It's midday, so the others are asleep.

WeeBushy wrote: »

Jeez you're right...

My new advice: Make her move in with me so i can ride her.

Ah the sweet smell of napalm . .

Medievalist · 07-09-2009 12:41PM

TBH, encouraging her to move out when you haven't taught her the basics of looking after herself is pretty irresponsible. Unless you have the instruction manual taped to the front of the washing machine then you need to show her how to use it (and make sure she keeps using it). You mollycoddling her by waking her up every morning (:eek:) and doing everything for her is not helping the situation. She'll only move out when she feels like she can handle it. It's your job to get her ready for that.

Whiskey Devil · 07-09-2009 12:41PM

18 you say? I'll take her in.

07-09-2009 12:59PM

It's pretty clear the two camps divide into those who lived at home for years and those who moved out.... Guess which I fall into

The comment about making new friends is a big one. I still have my closest friends from secondary school but also made some very close friends in college. It would appear to me that for some people who live at home, college merely becomes an extension of secondary school....

I absolutely treasure my years in college as a time when I learned a lot of life lessons and grew as an individual. I don't think I would have experienced as much if I lived at home. For me, college represents a safe time to live and learn and make mistakes.

WeeBushy · 07-09-2009 01:22PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's pretty clear the two camps divide into those who lived at home for years and those who moved out.... Guess which I fall into

The comment about making new friends is a big one. I still have my closest friends from secondary school but also made some very close friends in college. It would appear to me that for some people who live at home, college merely becomes an extension of secondary school....

I absolutely treasure my years in college as a time when I learned a lot of life lessons and grew as an individual. I don't think I would have experienced as much if I lived at home. For me, college represents a safe time to live and learn and make mistakes.

See that's the key point - for you it was a great experience. It completely depends on the person. I'm not saying the OPs daughter isn't capable of living away from home, i don't know her. But by the sounds of it, its the mother who is far more keen than the daughter and that shouldn't be the case if she's to move out.

I have the experience of living at home for the start of college and now I live away. I know people who lived at home and it worked great for them, and I know people who suffered because of it. I also know people who moved away and took to it like a duck to water, and I know people whose college experience was destroyed because of it. So I can see the pros and cons of both sides.

The only important factor is whether it is beneficial to the OPs daughter. And only the OP can know that, but from what she says it doesn't appear that the daughter is ready to move out.

doctor_gonzo · 07-09-2009 01:35PM

She has plenty of time once she graduates to slip into the endless grind of budgeting, living on baked beans and making a euro stretch til payday, why not let her enjoy her college years?

Also if she is an adult, you really have no say over whether she gets a credit card or not. I got one in college AND lived at home until I graduated and I've never paid a penny interest on it. I am still well able to cook a meal, wash my clothes, budget and save. Let her enjoy her last few careless years!

07-09-2009 01:37PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's pretty clear the two camps divide into those who lived at home for years and those who moved out.... Guess which I fall into
.

It's obviously not as clear as you think!

I moved out when I was 17 - totally by choice mind you.

asdasd · 07-09-2009 01:54PM

Also if she is an adult, you really have no say over whether she gets a credit card or not. I got one in college AND lived at home until I graduated and I've never paid a penny interest on it. I am still well able to cook a meal, wash my clothes, budget and save. Let her enjoy her last few careless years!

I just dont get how people enjoy their first stint at adulthood living at home with mammy. Really, the rest of the world doesnt do it. They can come home for Sunday lunch, pack in some rashers and sausages.

The fun part of being an early adult, is hanging around with adults of the same age in houses etc. I dont get why 18 year olds are not clamouring to leave.

captainspeckle · 07-09-2009 01:58PM

doctor_gonzo wrote: »

She has plenty of time once she graduates to slip into the endless grind of budgeting, living on baked beans and making a euro stretch til payday, why not let her enjoy her college years?

Also if she is an adult, you really have no say over whether she gets a credit card or not. I got one in college AND lived at home until I graduated and I've never paid a penny interest on it. I am still well able to cook a meal, wash my clothes, budget and save. Let her enjoy her last few careless years!

she could also enjoy it whilst having responsibility too...

Wizard007 · 07-09-2009 02:26PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I think it's awful that you would want your daughter to move out of her home so young. You can easily allow her to learn the lessons of life by her still living under your roof. Wouldn't you prefer to know that she is home safe at 3 or 4 in the morning? She may be just entering adulthood, but she's still only a teenager.

As someone already said, living at home does not make you a waster.

If she's not ready to leave home, you shouldn't force her.

I agree with you 100% on this. I do not for the life of me understand why so many parents are in such a hurry to get rid of their sons / daughters once they turn 16 / 17 / 18 and are ready to go to college and expect them to move out of their HOME.

This is the childs home, it's where ( for most ) they have been all their lives, their own bed, their own four walls, knowing every square inch of the nest they have lived in for all those years. The comfort and security of knowing Mom / Dad / the rest of the family are around them, the feeling of belonging. Do teenagers not have enough problems without having the added pressure of having to flee this nest and make it on their own? At 18 years of age? I am a parent and would never or could never force my child to move out. I would not even dream of bringing it up, I'd let her bring it up in her own time and deal with it then, but not untill then and not untill she is well and truely ready.

doctor_gonzo · 07-09-2009 02:44PM

asdasd wrote: »

I just dont get how people enjoy their first stint at adulthood living at home with mammy.

Well for me it was because my family home was 15 minutes from the college, would have made no sense. Maybe it depends on what kind of parents you have, mine always left me to get on with things, and treated me like an adult in the home. I worked 20 - 30 hours a week in college, paid my own way and enjoyed my last few years at home with my folks.

If Mammy is paying for student digs and spending money then it's hardly real 'adulthood' anyway is it?

asdasd · 07-09-2009 02:52PM

If Mammy is paying for student digs and spending money then it's hardly real 'adulthood' anyway is it?

Its not fully independent but it does mean that people have to shop, and budget, and wash their own clothes. Mostly though, I think it better fun. The adult stuff can definitely wait until 21.

Hrududu · 07-09-2009 03:02PM

The comfort and security of knowing Mom / Dad / the rest of the family are around them, the feeling of belonging.

She's 18 not 8. There is a serious amount of infantalising these college students.

dubcookie · 07-09-2009 03:38PM

not harsh at all, and what a horrible comment by someone asking if you hate your daughter!

her moving out will give her great life skills and i agree with what you say 100% about how her cousin's probably havent developed as they still live at home

I think most parents who want the best for thier kids will totally agree with you. it will teach her budgeting, responsibility and a lot about the world.

well done for being brave enough to say what you did!

Hail 2 Da Chimp · 07-09-2009 03:43PM

I wouldn't normally say something like this: but, OP, you are a bad mother!

deadhead13 · 07-09-2009 03:50PM

dubcookie wrote: »

her moving out will give her great life skills and i agree with what you say 100% about how her cousin's probably havent developed as they still live at home

I think most parents who want the best for thier kids will totally agree with you. it will teach her budgeting, responsibility and a lot about the world.

well done for being brave enough to say what you did!

Yes, but she will learn these life skill when does move out anyway. It is not difficult, a few weeks out on her own would be enough. Forcing the issue now would cause all kinds of resentments, which I imagine the OP could very well live to regret.

Kipperhell · 07-09-2009 04:21PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's pretty clear the two camps divide into those who lived at home for years and those who moved out.... Guess which I fall into
.

Then you haven't read the posts properly. It is clear that many people don't see why the child can't be made more responsible first.

Lots of people fail miserably on their own in college the first year and the high drop out rate shows that. I made loads of new friends in college and never saw many of my old friends as we were al so busy in college.

Kold · 07-09-2009 04:27PM

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote: »

I wouldn't normally say something like this: but, OP, you are a bad mother!

Shut your mouth!

is this harsh

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