is this harsh

06-09-2009 06:19PM #1

i was having a discussion with my teenage daughter about college...if she gets into the college she want..i live just about near enough for her to commute there by car.....some of her cousins do that...

now im dead set again that and my reasons are

at 18 she'll be an adult and i want her to go away to college

i want her... to realise that if you don't budge properly and spend all you money on drink or what ever youll go hungry

if you don't do your laundry you'll run out of clean clothes

to learn that you have to get yourself up in the morning

i want her to make new friend, have different experiences, cook for herself

to learn that you parents wouldn't always be there to rescue you.

her cousins that commute to college still hang around with the same friends they had in secondary school...with the parents getting them up for college, making there lunch and doing there laundry :eek::eek:

i think that like saying have the privileges of being an adult with out the responsibility.

instead of parents helping fund a car for the children they could be using that money to help them move out and live near college...

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

galwayrush · 06-09-2009 06:20PM

You'll still have to fund her going to College, even if you want her to be independent.;)

Schism · 06-09-2009 06:22PM

Most people at that age want to move out. It's not harsh, learning life lessons and all.

phasers · 06-09-2009 06:22PM

Why do you hate your daughter OP?

06-09-2009 06:23PM

mariaalice wrote: »

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

Which is probably what she'll be doing once she gets her degree and can't find a job.

ScumLord · 06-09-2009 06:24PM

Throw out all her stuff and change all the locks, it worked for my parents.

I had to move back home for a month or two when I came back from travelling around Europe and it did my head in, I'd rather go hungry, smelly and be late all the time than live at home, it's nothing against the ol queen it's just impossible to live at home and do what you want.

FlutterinBantam · 06-09-2009 06:24PM

mariaalice wrote: »

i was having a discussion with my teenage daughter about college...if she gets into the college she want..i live just about near enough for her to commute there by car.....some of her cousins do that...

now im dead set again that and my reasons are

at 18 she'll be an adult and i want her to go away to college

i want her... to realise that if you don't budge properly and spend all you money on drink or what ever youll go hungry

if you don't do your laundry you'll run out of clean clothes

to learn that you have to get yourself up in the morning

i want her to make new friend, have different experiences, cook for herself

to learn that you parents wouldn't always be there to rescue you.

her cousins that commute to college still hang around with the same friends they had in secondary school...with the parents getting them up for college, making there lunch and doing there laundry :eek::eek:

i think that like saying have the privileges of being an adult with out the responsibility.

instead of parents helping fund a car for the children they could be using that money to help them move out and live near college...

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

Most of the goons on here fall into that category Missus, so I wouldn't worry.

Biggins · 06-09-2009 06:28PM

mariaalice wrote: »

...Am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

I think your doing the right thing.
As a parent of 4 kids, at some stage I will want them to appreciate progressively and eventually that things cost money.
They can only have it easy for so long but sooner or later, you have to cut the cord and they have to learn to fend for themselves.
Mam and dad is not going to be there all the time to hold their hand, be it on home soil or in foreign lands!

LD 50 · 06-09-2009 06:30PM

Basically, you want her to move out for college? I could'nt wait to move out when I got to college.

Alot of the things you've given as reasons for wanting her to move out can be done while she's living at home. Don't wake her in the morn. Have her do her own laundry as much as possible, or to help with the whole household's. Have her cook for herself, of once or twice a week, have her cook a meal for the whole family instead.

Lots of these things can be learned while she is still at home, if you let her learn them with a helpful suggestion, rather than just bumping her out of the house which she seems against.

This might be better suited to P.I though.

humberklog · 06-09-2009 06:31PM

Not harsh but if it comes to them as a shock to the system when you tell them to sling their Uggs then you may be at some fault in that there was a chink in their rearing from earlier on.
If they dance off on their merry way; job well done in the rearing stakes.
If however they "diss you on da bebo" in a huffy sulk then maybe you've question s to ask yourself.

Fling their Uggs either way.

PhysiologyRocks · 06-09-2009 06:41PM

I'm a college student. I live at home. I work hard. I spend little to no money on drink and am very thankful to my parents.

Maybe it's a good idea for her to go away, but living at home does not necessarily make you a waster!

TheCardHolder · 06-09-2009 06:42PM

I'd gladly move out but my parents want me at home for my first year of college.

MagicMarker · 06-09-2009 06:50PM

mariaalice wrote: »

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

Well it depends on how you look at it, you can either fund her in your own house, or you can spend a HELL of a lot more and pay her rent & bills for her if she moves out.

If you're going to fund her education you may as well save yourself some money.

mountain · 06-09-2009 06:50PM

being 18 makes her an adult legally, but emotionally she may not be ready to move. It may not suit you, but your parenting role is not over yet.

Provide her with the love and support that it seems she still needs, when she is ready to go she will, dont force her to leave the place she calls home.

JuliusCaesar · 06-09-2009 06:51PM

LD 50 wrote: »

Alot of the things you've given as reasons for wanting her to move out can be done while she's living at home. Don't wake her in the morn. Have her do her own laundry as much as possible, or to help with the whole household's. Have her cook for herself, of once or twice a week, have her cook a meal for the whole family instead.

Lots of these things can be learned while she is still at home, if you let her learn them with a helpful suggestion, rather than just bumping her out of the house which she seems against..

My 16 year old has been getting himself up for school for years (since starting secondary school), makes his own lunches, cooks dinner a couple of times a week, and can do EXTRA chores for an increase in pocket money. (Normal chores include washing up when he's not the cook, hoovering and sweeping/washing kitchen floor) Can also work the washing machine (not so good at folding and returning clothes to the right room yet though...

He's dying to be able to move out but as I live within reach of 3 universities and can't afford to help him out financially (he'll have to earn his fees, just as I did when I was young), it'll be after he graduates.

Train them young is my motto!

dr.bollocko · 06-09-2009 06:56PM

Too many of these fecking students with cars these days. As an owner of no less than 4 overpriced on campus off licences I am absolutely fed up with it.

Biggins · 06-09-2009 07:11PM

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

My 16 year old has been getting himself up for school for years (since starting secondary school), makes his own lunches, cooks dinner a couple of times a week, and can do EXTRA chores for an increase in pocket money. (Normal chores include washing up when he's not the cook, hoovering and sweeping/washing kitchen floor) Can also work the washing machine (not so good at folding and returning clothes to the right room yet though...

He's dying to be able to move out but as I live within reach of 3 universities and can't afford to help him out financially (he'll have to earn his fees, just as I did when I was young), it'll be after he graduates.

Train them young is my motto!

Sounds like a son you should be proud of.
He will know the value of money, be willing it appears to put in the hard work, etc.
If any employer can see that, they might hire him a lot quicker to be honest.

06-09-2009 07:21PM

of course i love my daughter ...i love her to bits we mostly get on great except for her untidiness...but thats not what im on about ...if the choice is to spend my limited amount of money on a car for her so she can commute to college or spending my money on supporting her to live near college ..so she can fully talk part in college life...i think im being the responsible parent by wanting her to go to college and not live at home i think its part of personal development and growing up.
...it seem to be getting more and more common for student to commute very long distance to college rather that move out and go to college...for example someone was telling me about a student that was driving from Roscrea to the university of Limerick ...
i moved out at 19 i think its good for you

Dankoozy · 06-09-2009 07:23PM

there isn't a ****ing job available for every student if they wanted one. it is recession after all. and i never got this business with kids who want to move out when they're 16, these lads are not ones you should be proud of because most of them are douchebags who refuse to get along with their parents. probably because their parents have a problem with them living their life as a douchebag

Biggins · 06-09-2009 07:24PM

For me, I'd prefer her to move out more so and find out for herself what it is to take on tasks (on her own two feet) such as study, cooking, clothes cleaning, etc.
It can also be a further character building experience for her. Hard at first maybe (for you and her) but later on it should pay dividends.

DublinWriter · 06-09-2009 07:27PM

ChocolateSauce wrote: »

I'm not too sure what you're getting at OP because the post wasn't clear, but I find the idea of a parent refusing to assist (to the best of their ability) their child going to college abhorrent.

That's a little harsh.

I 'get' what the OP is intending to do, and I think it's a good thing.

A family friend has a 'perpetual student' of a daughter and he and the wife have to drive every evening from North County Dublin to Bellfield Halls of Residence to assist their little princess with whatever the crises de jour is.

She's 26 and doing a MA, has always been a student in UCD and never worked a tap, cleaned any of her own clothes or cooked even a boiled egg for herself.

A lot of parents pull out all the stops for their beloved when University hoves into view without realising that a third level education also involves a lot of life's basic lessons that don't necessarily get taught in the lecture hall.

Biggins · 06-09-2009 07:29PM

DublinWriter wrote: »

...A lot of parents pull out all the stops for their beloved when University hoves into view without realising that a third level education also involves a lot of life's basic lessons that don't necessarily get taught in the lecture hall.

Couldn't agree more.

"Third Level" also means that also that they should be ready for more multi-tasking functions including more independence and more life daily making decisions.
There is a time and a place to start moving out. Each case is different but sooner or later it has to happen to all.
It can come gradually to them to survive outside in the world with life learning tasks along the way or they can suddenly sink or swim with shock.
Which is the better way?

ChocolateSauce · 06-09-2009 07:33PM

mariaalice wrote: »

of course i love my daughter ...i love her to bits we mostly get on great except for her untidiness...but thats not what im on about ...if the choice is to spend my limited amount of money on a car for her so she can commute to college or spending my money on supporting her to live near college ..so she can fully talk part in college life...i think im being the responsible parent by wanting her to go to college and not live at home i think its part of personal development and growing up.
...it seem to be getting more and more common for student to commute very long distance to college rather that move out and go to college...for example someone was telling me about a student that was driving from Roscrea to the university of Limerick ...
i moved out at 19 i think its good for you

I moved out at 19 too. I think she should move out. The experience will be important.

Sorry, I misunderstood your post.

Mrmoe · 06-09-2009 07:38PM

If she is 17 she should have been able to look after herself a long time ago. Some one does not really need to be trained how to look after themselves, it is not rocket science. I would have no problem with someone living at home if they do not treat it as a hotel service as it is a good way of saving money. I wouldn't necessarily kick her out straight away as it would be good to give her a leg up going to college for the first 3-6 months or so. I have seen many 25/26 year old students who are still at home with mammy or daddy and have no idea about how to budget or survive independently, but I guess life isn't fair.

Royale with Cheese · 06-09-2009 07:39PM

When I did my undergrad I had a part time job working short shifts about 5 days a week. That gave me enough money to be comfortable (bus ticket, food, anything else), but definitely not enough to rent a place. That was working about 10 hours a week, most colleges will heavily advise their students not to work anymore than that, especially as the years go by and the workload gets much greater.

I don't know where this 'just move out' attitude comes from. Renting a place costs money, and although students in Ireland certainly aren't poor, the majority don't earn enough to be able to rent a place without it financially crippling them. I got/get on very well with my parents so I had no problem living under their roof, I'd much rather live at home and have enough money to actually enjoy my life, rather than rent some shíthole digs and have €30 a week to live on.

kelle · 06-09-2009 07:47PM

Not harsh whatsoever, OP. Those are the best lessons your daughter will have for life, along with the degree she will hopefully get.

Like yourself, I left home at 19 to go to college in London and it was the best thing I ever did. Though I have to admit moving out was affordable as my rent was only £9 per week (average was £35 then), so with rents as high as they are today I can't really speak for all students.

deadhead13 · 06-09-2009 08:08PM

Whether she learns to be self-sufficient now or in 3 years time when she leaves college.... whats the difference? It will happen anyway.

WeeBushy · 06-09-2009 10:18PM

mariaalice wrote: »

of course i love my daughter ...i love her to bits we mostly get on great except for her untidiness...but thats not what im on about ...if the choice is to spend my limited amount of money on a car for her so she can commute to college or spending my money on supporting her to live near college ..so she can fully talk part in college life...i think im being the responsible parent by wanting her to go to college and not live at home i think its part of personal development and growing up.
...it seem to be getting more and more common for student to commute very long distance to college rather that move out and go to college...for example someone was telling me about a student that was driving from Roscrea to the university of Limerick ...
i moved out at 19 i think its good for you

Not being smart or anything, but wouldn't supplying a car be waaay less expensive than funding her life if she were to move out of the house?

Whether someone is ready to move out, or if its a good thing, is completely dependent on the child. When I was 18 starting out in college I'm glad I lived near enough the college I ended up going to, to live at home. I wasn't mature enough to look after myself. Living at home gave my parents the chance to teach me how to budget, realise that the dinners don't just appear on my plate, that there are no such things as the cleaning up fairies etc. It would have been very tough for me to deal with starting college as well as learning how to fend for myself. It's a lot to handle all at once.
In saying that there are people who really should/need/want to move out of home for various reasons and that's great, but it's completely an individual thing.

So depends on the reasons for you daughter wanting to stay at home; is she scared? not ready? lazy? Try and sort out a way so that she is comfortable and you are able to teach her how to look after herself.

My dad always says that parenting doesn't stop when your children are 18, that when it begins because now they have real life problems instead of cut knees and maths homework.

Novella · 06-09-2009 10:18PM

mariaalice wrote: »

am i the only one that thinks a 20year old siting in there room ..with the Internet, xbox..ipod ..telly..and a car outside......while being funded by their parent is a bit mad!

That is harsh. I pay for my own internet!!!!!

Elessar · 06-09-2009 10:30PM

Harsh alright, I'd be disgusted if I was pushed out of home. I love my home, bed, area, everything and I would feel betrayed by my mother if she kicked me out. It would create a rift between us that would take a long time to mend.

Encouraging your daughter to move out is another thing. Don't force, encourage. As another poster said, it'll happen eventually, what's the rush?

06-09-2009 10:37PM

I think it's awful that you would want your daughter to move out of her home so young. You can easily allow her to learn the lessons of life by her still living under your roof. Wouldn't you prefer to know that she is home safe at 3 or 4 in the morning? She may be just entering adulthood, but she's still only a teenager.

As someone already said, living at home does not make you a waster.

If she's not ready to leave home, you shouldn't force her.

is this harsh

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