Funny things old people say..

Lollipops23 · 25-08-2009 03:08PM

my granny is actually not at all racist (although it would fit with her personality!)she's 88, and a total screwball.

My dad's best mate used to obsessed with the wacky stuff she came out with, including:

When someone bought her an electrical appliance for Xmas: "Oh I'm going to have to buy some Durex batteries for this"

When my grandad was ill with a fever: "His temperature is Fúcktuating. Oh wait I mean Punctuating. No, no, I mean fluctuating."

When it was my English cousin's bday: I want to buy something he can use in England. How about some of those HIV vouchers?" (meaning HMV,we hope).

When my mother got 45/50 on a spelling test in primary school: "What happened to the other five then?"

Legend.

Teasey · 25-08-2009 03:15PM

I love it!

My granny, bless her, is a hoot too. The best is when she's trying to tell you about someone (usually gossipping about the "scandalous" stuff they've done!) and she can't remeber their name

Usually goes something like:

Granny: Do you know yer man down the road

Me: Which man?

Granny: Ah you know. Yer man from down there, the fella with the nose, you do know him. He's married to that woman, you know her, the one with the hair....

Can you narrow that down a bit gran.....??!!!:)

Porkpie · 25-08-2009 03:20PM

I was talking to an old guy recently on a bus about how much communication is now computer-based, eg. e-mail, social networking. He asked me what the big deal was with this new "Spacebook".

anniehoo · 25-08-2009 03:20PM

MizzLolly wrote: »

Hahahaha LMAO! That man is a bastard!!!!

Classic quote: "The dog is not bored, it's a f*cking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a f*cking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."

My granny was a legend. Years ago before she died i walked into the sitting room and asked where my cousin was. She goes "jaysus..probably out the back smokin a joint"!

aido179 · 25-08-2009 03:21PM

my mother is a nurse in a nursing home. the amount you hear is incredible.
mum to old fella whos constantly on with his rosary beads: pat, my sister is looking for a baby and i wonder would you do me a favour.
pat (assumed name): ....
mum: would you say a decade of the rosary for her?
pat dithers off for about ten minutes. when mum gets back to him he tells her he thought for a second she was asking him to actually help concieve the child...

priceless

brummytom · 25-08-2009 03:22PM

Porkpie wrote: »

I was talking to an old guy recently on a bus about how much communication is now computer-based, eg. e-mail, social networking. He asked me what the big deal was with this new "Spacebook".

I was talking to this old bloke about 'this internet thing'.

I mentioned facebook and myspace, he goes;
"My Face? Who the fúck wants to see my face?"

Hagar · 25-08-2009 03:56PM

Reading what the racist grannies come out with is a scream.
I wonder what "black" grannies say?

pikachucheeks · 25-08-2009 03:57PM

Hagar wrote: »

Reading what the racist grannies come out with is a scream.
I wonder what "black" grannies say?

They have black grannies now!?
:eek:

Long Onion · 25-08-2009 03:57PM

Hagar wrote: »

Reading what the racist grannies come out with is a scream.
I wonder what "black" grannies say?

Keep your nose to yourself - small nob honkey!

captain caveman · 25-08-2009 04:08PM

I always find granparents have a strange sense of humour/ way of communicating.

my granny once asked a salesman in a car show room who was in a sling if he'd dropped his arm and walked on it... needless to say he was baffled!

and when we'd stay in my grandparents for a couple of days my grandad would always ask if you'd "E.T'd". took me years to figure out he meant phoned home!

he was like a cryptic crossword!

Otis Driftwood · 25-08-2009 04:56PM

My late grandfather was terribly racist and made no bones about it.Himself and my uncle were out fishing one day and a boat with 3 or 4 English guys that happened to be black floated by.

While they were still within earshot grand dad turned to my uncle and said

"Eamonn,are we still in Boyle or are we in the f*cking Congo???"

hairyfairy00 · 25-08-2009 05:28PM

Another one from my grandfather, when refering to someone who's an arse hole. "That fella should be shot with a ball of his own sh**e"

Acacia · 25-08-2009 06:22PM

I hate when older people make racist jokes and expect you to laugh along. Eh, that wasn't funny, just offensive. Jog on.

Hagar · 25-08-2009 06:26PM

Acacia wrote: »

Jog on.

Now that's funny.

Acacia · 25-08-2009 06:30PM

Hagar wrote: »

Now that's funny.

And probably an old person phrase.

I like the country phrases that make no sense. Like, " a watched pot never boils" and such. My granny and oldest aunt come out with a load of them.

midlandsmissus · 25-08-2009 06:32PM

My neighbour Old Mick was a legend.
He used to tell my cousin she was 'the fattist girl in the whole of Meath!' - She was a size 10!
If I went in he'd yell 'Jaysis you've got fierce STOUT', or 'Jaysis YOU'VE piled on the weight anyway!' I was also a size 10!

He used to wear turn up trousers and he'd tip the ash from his cigarettes into the bottom of his trousers- legend!

adamski8 · 25-08-2009 06:38PM

ah old people, when they say say things like "don't leave me in this nursing home! they beat me!!!" or "i soiled myself"... funny, classic gran, always with the jokes

jumbone · 25-08-2009 06:48PM

Leonel Big King wrote: »

I've yet to work out the logic behind the lesbian comment, or the syphillis one

It's like toddlers swearing, all about context and that

A straight woman has to cook a full meal for her partner every day (proper order

) but lesbians only have to do it every second day because there is a pair of them to be doing 'women's work' like cooking. Do I win a dinner cooked by a lesbian?

TPD · 25-08-2009 07:14PM

It's been pointed out to me that the person in these tales doesn't actually say anything, so this is just an old man being weird:

My friends granda (deceased), never liked animals much. He lived in the country, and it was customary to drown kittns and puppies that were unwanted. However, he would half drown them and sling them under the wheels of passing cars.

Also he once hanged a goat. For no reason other than to win an argument by intimidation.

He also used to take family pets (the ones which got on his bad side) to other towns or counties, and just leave them there.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 25-08-2009 07:19PM

The Perfect Drug wrote: »

My friends granda (deceased), never liked animals much. He lived in the country, and it was customary to drown kittns and puppies that were unwanted. However, he would half drown them and sling them under the wheels of passing cars.

Also he once hanged a goat. For no reason other than to win an argument by intimidation.

He also used to take family pets (the ones which got on his bad side) to other towns or counties, and just leave them there.

What the fuck? He'd better have said the funniest thing anyone's ever heard at some point otherwise he's a...no actually he's still just a sick fuck

TPD · 25-08-2009 07:52PM

Leonel Big King wrote: »

What the fuck? He'd better have said the funniest thing anyone's ever heard at some point otherwise he's a...no actually he's still just a sick fuck

Oh shít yeah forgot it was funniest things they said, thought it was just old peoples weirdnesses.

mobius42 · 25-08-2009 09:59PM

Another gem from sh!tmydadsays

"How the **** should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic ****ing eyes."

Red Sleeping Beauty · 25-08-2009 10:47PM

My nanny used to give me and my siblings one of them Taxi chocolate bars and tell us they were "health bars". I've lost count the number of bizarre things she's come out with.

ziggy23 · 07-09-2009 01:20PM

My late Granda who was blind as a bat. I was givin him a kiss on the the cheek and said to him did u just have a shave your skin is as smooth as a baby's bum. His reply....no its as smooth as Kylie Minogue's arse....well he musnt have been that blind the dirty old man:eek:

Poor Uncle Tom · 07-09-2009 01:27PM

ziggy23 wrote: »

My late Granda who was blind as a bat. I was givin him a kiss on the the cheek and said to him did u just have a shave your skin is as smooth as a baby's bum. His reply....no its as smooth as Kylie Minogue's arse....well he musnt have been that blind the dirty old man:eek:

Lucky devil, I heard she was into older fellas.....:D

Professey Chin · 07-09-2009 01:29PM

My favourite is still my grandmothers phrase to my cousin when she was about 19/20

You need to settle down now and find yourself a nice white boy

Ah good old racists

ziggy23 · 07-09-2009 01:36PM

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

Lucky devil, I heard she was into older fellas.....:D

Haha he used to have to sit right up at the telly to see it. He was obviously watching MTV or something!!

My nanny was a subtle as a sledgehammer too. Always commenting on people's weight:eek: I think old people know they can get away with saying mean things!

My nanny used to call cats pussys all the time but I remember I got a new kitten and she was on the phone asking 'hows your little pussy'. I couldn't stop laughing very immature I know:o

Funny things old people say..

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