Funny things old people say..

boogle · 24-08-2009 11:50PM

My Gran told the story, in front of my new BF, of when she gave birth to her ninth child. She said to the doctor "Well, how many stitches do I have this time?". Doc says "None, you're like an elastic band".

Gotta love Granny.

Will · 24-08-2009 11:53PM

http://tr.im/x1Ay <--- funny twitter account but can't link to it cos swear filter will star it out. related to funny crap old people say

Ruu_Old · 24-08-2009 11:55PM

My grandad was 92 in August, has some great insults. My aunt used to visit every once in a while where he is in a home and then he would say to us "so I have a visit from old leather arse!" No idea what it means but it sounded hilarious and I'm going to look it up. Brilliant.

Blush_01 · 24-08-2009 11:57PM

falipo wrote: »

"I'll wash your mouth out with soap!"

It's a disgusting thing to have done to you. Not that I'd know or anything *repress, repress!*

My grandmother never says anything innocent-old-person-funny. She's more aware of things than I am.

MizzLolly · 25-08-2009 12:00AM

Will wrote: »

http://tr.im/x1Ay <--- funny twitter account but can't link to it cos swear filter will star it out. related to funny crap old people say

Hahahaha LMAO! That man is a bastard!!!!

Stench Blossoms · 25-08-2009 12:17AM

My granny was being visited by a doctor who happened to be Indian while she was sick at home.

In front of him said to my aunt, "Is he one of them foreigners or is he just dirty?"

My aunt had to walk out of the room because she was laughing so much.

pepsi1234 · 25-08-2009 12:23AM

orla wrote: »

My granny was being visited by a doctor who happened to be Indian while she was sick at home.

In front of him said to my aunt, "Is he one of them foreigners or is he just dirty?"

My aunt had to walk out of the room because she was laughing so much.

Ha.....Ha??

eamonpendergast · 25-08-2009 01:21AM

My Grandad had some fantastic phrases, I use them myself now. My favourite being "Ahh, let it go s**t!"

My particular favourite story was, he used to drown stray cats. Why? Because the carry syphilis of course!

Otis Driftwood · 25-08-2009 01:26AM

You want to fluff my pillows?

Why thank you Dr Shipman.

Dord · 25-08-2009 01:43AM

"When I were alive..."

:pac:

DigiGal · 25-08-2009 01:56AM

My nanny asked me to explain what flavoured condoms were for when she saw them in the chemist.....

Imagine my horror when I realised she didn't know what a blowjob was..:O

Then I had to explain that and she replied.....oh I didn't know yu could do that(bet all my grandas birthdays came at once)

PhysiologyRocks · 25-08-2009 02:08AM

I love my granny. She's always trying to shock her children by referring to sex or nudity. It's so funny.

DigiGal · 25-08-2009 02:10AM

nedtheshed wrote: »

You want to fluff my pillows?

Why thank you Dr Shipman.

trust Me, trust Me I'm a doctor!

wolfric · 25-08-2009 05:37AM

Ruu wrote: »

My grandad was 92 in August, has some great insults. My aunt used to visit every once in a while where he is in a home and then he would say to us "so I have a visit from old leather arse!" No idea what it means but it sounded hilarious and I'm going to look it up. Brilliant.

I'm going to assume he's referring to leathery skin from being out in the sun all the time. Usually someone really old who's had a life time out in the sun.

grenache · 25-08-2009 06:04AM

A few years back when the Rainbow Coalition were in power, my gran came out with ''Sure that Nora Owen is no more a Minister for Justice than i am a Minister for Pancakes. I'd do a better job myself and i'm half deaf with a limp. What were they doing giving such an important job to a woman?'

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or give out to her. She's very old school.

Rebelheart · 25-08-2009 06:31AM

**Timbuk2** wrote: »

I think it's funny when their gravestone says

"I told you I was sick"

Or better still: 'Duirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite':

http://www.flickr.com/photos/garyshield/3444720677/

shane86 · 25-08-2009 06:35AM

Worked the phones in a delivery firm for a few months. If people werent at home to sign when the delivery man arrived he would leave a note saying he had come, and that they had to call us to arrange a new delivery time. Hence, had an oul one call me and opens with
"Oh hello there. A man came to my house today and put something inside my box"

I nearly had to put the receiver down :pac:

Another place I worked, oul lad had accidentally put 100 euro of credit on his mobile and wanted it cancelled for a smaller amount
"Im 79 years old, Ill be dead before I use 100 quid of credit!"

EdgarAllenPoo · 25-08-2009 07:07AM

My grandmother told my brother to be careful on the night of his debs because "HE might get raped and become pregnant". I'm not making that up but then she is nuttier than a squirrel turd.

s. lacker · 25-08-2009 07:24AM

"I, she said and she wrote and she never wrote a letter. Not a single letter"
'Its a great little country, better than the south of France"
Two of my auld lads favorites!

In All Fairness · 25-08-2009 08:33AM

Was working in customer service a few years ago in the country's main health insurer and dealt with an old lady's claim which had gone astray. Finally managed to get it sorted, told the woman everything was fine but if she had anymore probs at all to contact me personally and I'd sort it out. She thanked me profusely anyway and I thought no more about it. I got a call from her about two weeks later and answered the phone," Hi, Mrs. *****, don't tell me that still hasn't gone through?" "Oh no. It went through perfectly, I just wanted to know whether these new deals the phone company are doing are worth my while? I thought you'd be the best man to ring. I don't trust them in the phone company.":)

RandolphEsq · 25-08-2009 11:46AM

DigiGal wrote: »

My nanny asked me to explain what flavoured condoms were for when she saw them in the chemist.....

Imagine my horror when I realised she didn't know what a blowjob was..:O

Then I had to explain that and she replied.....oh I didn't know yu could do that(bet all my grandas birthdays came at once)

Oh god! I would have said I didn't know what they were or what a BJ was

mobius42 · 25-08-2009 11:57AM

This twitter account is full of hilarious stuff some guy's father says. He's 73.

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for ****. Just sat there. Big let down."

"The dog is not bored, it's a ****ing dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a ****ing rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."

"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the **** is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."

El Siglo · 25-08-2009 12:21PM

My granny, she's 79 and thinks that "gayness... it's a terrible affliction isn't it?" Or, another aul fella we know (family friend, bit racist), was in Gatwick Airport about 15 years ago smoking, and a rather tall, black security man approaches him and says politely: "Sir, smoking is prohibited in the airport, you will have to go outside to smoke.", not even blinking an eye, the aul fella looks up (he's 5ft 7 and security man was 6ft 4) says to the security man: "I've been smoking since your grandparents were jumping through trees looking for bananas." - Needless to say, the security man was as much shocked as he was offended.

m3llowship · 25-08-2009 12:36PM

My poor nanny died two weeks ago tomorrow. She was, like most old irish people, mad as a badger and innocently racist.

I was showing her pictures of my Girlfriend who is Honduran.

Nanny: "mother of Christ, she's a spade"
Me: "she's not a spade nanny, she's hispanic"
Nanny: "I'm sure she's lovely but she's black as a ****ing ass"

She was a legend!

25-08-2009 12:57PM

My granny cannot stand people calling children 'Kids' and when she hears it she says sure why dont they call them pups or calves instead.

I remember one particular thing as I was in stitches.

I was sitting down watching a movie and my granny was in the room but not really watching tv and half reading the paper.

Then:

Character on movie:: Oh it was so much better when I was a kid.

Granny(Instantly without even looking at the tv): She used to be a goat.

I nearly died laughing she was so quick and sarcastic it was brilliant. Btw she is 86.

Long Onion · 25-08-2009 01:07PM

I know an old man who would say stuff like;

You looked at my sister - darkie, now dangle on this noose; or

We don't like your kind round here son *maurice drive faster, he ain't bouncin' yet*

Or - you're comin over here stealing our jobs ...

But we all laughed because he was an old racist, and that made it all ok ...:rolleyes:

genericguy · 25-08-2009 01:12PM

Long Onion wrote: »

I know an old man who would say stuff like;

You looked at my sister - darkie, now dangle on this noose; or

We don't like your kind round here son *maurice drive faster, he ain't bouncin' yet*

Or - you're comin over here stealing our jobs ...

But we all laughed because he was an old racist, and that made it all ok ...:rolleyes:

i got grinds off an ancient aul lad like that, used to alwys go on about how darkies were ugly, but the mongrels were often the most beautiful of creatures.

if i said something like that though...

Poor Uncle Tom · 25-08-2009 02:12PM

When I was about 10 I remember grandad saying "tommy boy get the face cloth I don't think there's meant to be lumps in a fart"....set my hygene development back a bit

Fago! · 25-08-2009 02:52PM

HA. My granda (Racist) was in the pub for his afternoon pint. I popped in to say hello. Someone then put on the jukebox. The 1st song was 50cent - In the Club.

He then shout at the top of his lungs,

"WHO PUT ON THIS ****** MUSIC!!!!"

Everyone looks at him, and the burst out laughing.

Ha. The smelly Ol' Coot!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 25-08-2009 03:05PM

After meeting one of my mam's very nice, but totally gay friend and thinking he was amazing, she was singing his praises to my mam

Granny "He's a lovely fella, we should set him up with so and so!"

Mother"No, no, he's gay mam"

Granny "How dare you say that! He's not gay! He's lovely!"

Mother "I'm not trying to insult him, he's an actual homosexual"

Granny "He's not! He's a fine young fella!"

And just recently, my mother and two of my aunts were driving my granny to Glenstall abbey for mass, and somehow ended up getting a talk on the evils of blowjobs (Digigals post reminded me of this) for the whole 20 minute drive. Walked into Glenstall and saw Nell Mc Cafferty (I swear this is true). Granny went bolting over to talk to her (well, hobbling really) and my aunt turned to my mam and whispered "Oh ****, I think she's going to give her the talk as well!" Granny's verdict on Ms Mc Cafferty was "She was very friendly, not a bit aggressive at all!" not sure why she was expecting her to be.

Funny things old people say..

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