He says I've to loose weight or its over

LegacyUser · 26-07-2009 11:28PM #1

Hi everyone i feel so low 3 1/2 months ago my baby was born stillborn at full term as you can imagine it has been really difficult for both of us this evening my other half told me i have to loose weight and go back blonde or its over my confidence is rock bottom and i went for a walk i was really upset i sent him a txt whie i was out asking if he just dosent love me any more (as slowly things have fizziled out with us ) and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I feel so worthless i have no friends as they avoided me big time and dont answer txts since i lost the baby.

I HATE the way i look i dont nake an effort anymore because no matter what i do i look fat when we meet i had dark hair and it never bothered him now when im at may lowest he tells me that how can i make him love me again fast i dont want to loose him too hes all i have please help me

The Sweeper · 26-07-2009 11:34PM

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second, your partner is being an insensitive dickhead. You cannot 'make' him love you, no more than you can make the world stop turning. You need time to grieve over your stillborn child and only when you have been through that grieving process are you going to have the strength to try and get your life back together again - first the strength to keep going every day, and then when you're up to it, your weight - for your health - and then your appearance. How you feel projects directly on to how you look.

Unless he cannot cope with his own grief and is trying to sweep it under the carpet, I cannot understand why anyone who really loves you would take this opportunity to kick you when you're down.

Anger is a big part of grieving, and if I were you, about now I'd be getting really, really angry.

herya · 26-07-2009 11:39PM

I am very sorry for your loss.

Apart from the insensivity (how can he be so shallow so soon after you both lost your baby?) your partner's reasoning seems all wrong. Does he really think that a couple of pounds less and a bottle of dye cure all the problems? If he has you skinny and blonde but still depressed and despairing after the child you lost will he be happy?

Can you maybe spend a little time apart from him, for example with your family so that you receive more support and he possibly sees things in a different perspective?

Overheal · 26-07-2009 11:41PM

there would be a big difference, say, if someone asked you to lose weight for the sake of your health. but here you have an ass clearly going after appearaces, and nothing else.

Sounds to me like theres some deep resentment on his part over the stillborn. The truth is you dont know what went wrong, do you? It could be him, it could be you, it could have been an outside factor. You could be a poor genetic matchup. At this point though, its irrelevant, but i get the feeling he;s dumping blame/hate on you.

Its up to you. You can cut your losses and leave him. Or you can both take a few counseling sessions.

blogga · 26-07-2009 11:47PM

he's not all you have. The most important thing you have is you. Accept that that person is enough and you will begin to take the greatest journey of your life. Be as brave as you can and as strong as you can but most of all be as true as you can. One day at a time.

LegacyUser · 26-07-2009 11:52PM

Thank you so much
Its not just a few pounds its a couple of stone and i did promise i would get back in shape and i haven't even tried he feels like i have conned him that he fell in love with one person and got stuck with fat me

He is gone home to his mams and turned his phoneso he can sleep he said i promised a fararri and i gave a ford feista i want to be slim again i want to be happy again im going for counselling he wont he dealt with it himself could there be someone else im just devestated i really am he has put up with alot

Ellsbells · 26-07-2009 11:58PM

OP, I am terribly sorry for your loss. The giref must seem insurmountable... I would suggest you look up 'isands' for some support.

Can I ask how the tow of you are grieving - separately or as a unit? Does he feel that you are getting through this better than him or even getting on with it and not caring how he is coping with his grief. Situations such as this should bring a couple closer because of the shared loss but often the opposite happens and i would be interested on how he sees the situation at the moment. I am no making any excuses for him but he seems to have some resentment for you. It cannot be to do with the loss of the baby so it must be to do with the happenings since.

Counselling is a must here. You need support and in the meantime, tell him to shove his blonde hair request as you have enough to do by grieving for your lost child.

Keep contacting your friends. My best friend lost her first baby girl in the same circumstances and I saw first hand how devastating it is... People dont know what to say to you but they will. Ask them to go to the cinema so you get out but dont have to talk if you dont want to. People are scared of grief and scared of saying the wrong thing. I think this is even more prevalent when its to do with the loss of a child. Stick in there and talk to people, anyone who will listen as you need help to get over this. Good luck.

Ellsbells · 26-07-2009 11:59PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you so much
Its not just a few pounds its a couple of stone and i did promise i would get back in shape and i haven't even tried he feels like i have conned him that he fell in love with one person and got stuck with fat me

He is gone home to his mams and turned his phoneso he can sleep he said i promised a fararri and i gave a ford feista i want to be slim again i want to be happy again im going for counselling he wont he dealt with it himself could there be someone else im just devestated i really am he has put up with alot

Its not about the weight per se.... Was this an issue before the baby issue? I would suggest it could be cos he sees you unhappy on this subject but unwilling to do anything about it? Does this make sense?

But htere is still NO EXCUSE for his abuse.

Final Approach · 27-07-2009 12:00AM

Unregistered wrote: »

and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I have to say that this sounds like one of the cruellest, most shallow things any man could say to his girlfriend. What makes it 100 times worse is, as you said, you are at an extremely low point at the moment as a result of what you've just gone through.

Where an issue develops between two people, most of the time it is possible to see, at least to an extent, both persons point of view, or the reason for it. But in this case, I cannot understand how any man could treat his girlfriend so horribly.

I don't know the bigger picture here, and naturally there is a lot more to it, but suffice to say that your boyfriend is nothing short of a walking disgrace, who should be absolutely ashamed of himself.

My advice based on what you've said, is that considering things have already "fizzled out", you'd probably be doing yourself a big favour in the long run if you began thinking about breaking it of with him.

I know life must be extremely difficult for you, and I know that since you say that you don't have many friends that you can turn to for support, it probably seems that it would be impossible for you to continue on without this guy in your life, but really and truly, to me it sounds like he is a direct cause of some of your depression. Lets be honest, he isn't exactly what you'd call supportive, encouraging, or even helpful, is he? All of the above is what a partner should be in a situation like this. He is the complete opposite.

You've just buried a child together, and his priority in life at the moment is your hair colour. Just about says it all for me.

Xiney · 27-07-2009 12:07AM

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Second, your partner is being an insensitive dickhead.

I don't usually do this on PI (and don't take this as an encouragement!)

But, hell.

Quoted for absolute truth.

LegacyUser · 27-07-2009 12:20AM

When i can out of hospital he was fantastice he took 3 weeks off work and did everything for me even helped me shower as i had a section and it got infected then he went back to work and because he was back to 'normal' expected me to be too he did have moments of being weepy but it seems that because a coule of months have passed that i should be normal too i am trying i hate going out because even the sight of babies in prams is ripping my heart out and when i did speack to him he said i am bound to feel it more as i carried him .... i have suggest everything to my 'friends' walks pictures coffee lunch i get blanked i know its hard for them i saw someone in the shop during the week and the first thing she asked was well what id you have i was mortifed when i told her so was she the poor thing
i really dont want to loose him i asked him why he didnt say i want you to be happy again and he said becuse i want you to look good and he also said he was embarressed that he said it but he was only being honest

Thank you all so much sorry for the typos im crying

bronte · 27-07-2009 12:28AM

Jesus, He is being horrible.
Is he always like this?
I understand you guys have been through a lot, but if this is how your partner is when you are at your lowest ebb, then I'd seriously be considering your future with him if I were you.
I mean that in the kindest way.
Can you talk to him about these comments? because they are hugely distressing for anyone to hear, let alone yourself.
1)He does NOT decide what hair colour you have.
2)You gave birth very recently. Until he does that, he will NOT tell you to lose weight whenever he wants.

Ellsbells · 27-07-2009 12:38AM

bronte wrote: »

because they are hugely distressing for anyone to hear, let alone yourself.

This is v true OP, I had tears in my eyes reading your story..... Cant even imagine how hurt and confused you are...

Terodil · 27-07-2009 06:30AM

First off, let me agree with the pre-posters in saying that what he said seems very insensitive and cruel. Another post condemning the OH wouldn't really contribute much to this thread as he's already been flogged to death here, so I'd like to toss an idea into the round that I got when reading the thread...

Maybe this text is an emergency call from him too? You know it's not just the OP who lost a baby. After the three weeks at home and another 2 months' grieving on top the OH is probably desperate to get the relationship back on track. By the sounds of it, he has been as caring as he could be during that time, and he's afraid that he's not only lost the kid, but also the OP. I think the three months have shown that he appreciates the need for grieving, but in all honesty, after three months, I think he may justifiably expect a sign of normality settling in, even if the grieving is still going to take much longer. The OP has said several times that she wanted to be slim again, and told him so, but it never happened. To me it sounds as if she's in the firm grip of a depression. Maybe the OH is trying to wake her up and make her snap out of it. The verbal representation of the proverbial slap, if you will.

Now I agree again it is clumsy and insensitive, but the knee-jerk 'dump him' response is totally inappropriate here given the hard times and emotional stress the both of them have gone through. The two should try to get counselling to get over the whole situation. The OP needs to get her drive back and not let go of herself any more; there is a time and place for grieving, but life must not stop, as silly and cliched as it sounds. And they need to re-discover the love for each other because that's why they are together in the first place.

So my advice to the OP: Your OH is afraid to lose you. It's terrible to see somebody you love slipping into a maze of depression and not being able to get through. What he said to you is hurtful, but you need to understand that it's not directed at you personally but rather at the whole situation. I'm sure he is not so shallow to simply want you blonde and slim to love you, it's more a symbol that you need to start looking ahead again, instead of always grieving over things past. You need to love yourself to be loved, and your inability to act on what you yourself perceive as letting yourself go is a warning sign that you are stuck in the grieving. It is often said that a haircut change, for example, is an important sign of making a cut.

OP I really hope you can get your relationship back on track together. Best of luck.

[Jackass] · 27-07-2009 07:30AM

Hi OP,

Wow, that really is a tough situation you're in and I can only imagine how difficult the loss of a baby would be without having to deal with any other problems.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer on the situation, I just felt from reading your posts that you've been really brave and don't ever beat yourself up about anything, none of this is your fault and your confidence and life has been shook to the core with everything that happened. I really admire you for working so hard to cope with things and in time everything will improve and get easier.

I just wanted you to know that anyway, and don't put pressure on yourself, there's no time frame to when you should be back to "normal" and just keep trying your best, there's nothing more that can be expected of you and I really hope he snaps out of it and realises you need a bit more support. That's really hurtfull what he said, I can't imagine what came over him, but as long as your honest with him about how everything makes you feel then I really hope everything works out for you.

Best of luck and take your time with things.

Mr Benevolent · 27-07-2009 09:26AM

OP, I'm sorry to say this but maybe you've gotten a look at his real personality, both in terms of shallowness and lack of empathy. What he said is unforgivable. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you can come to terms with it in your own way.

abouttobebanned · 27-07-2009 09:42AM

Usually OP, I take a different side of the fence to other posters on this kind of issue. I think that men have a right to be attracted to their partners and shouldn't have to stay wit them just for the sake of it. But this is different. This guy is being an absolute asshole and how he's acting here is a mirror image of the man that you're with, but for some reason you're choosing to ignore this person. This is not the man for you, you're going to have to move on.

Jumpy · 27-07-2009 09:44AM

Might be worth being the devils advocate and saying to posters that they dont know both sides of the story here.
There are very few people that would treat their OH that way, perhaps the OP is typing what she thinks he means rather than what he is saying.

b3t4 · 27-07-2009 09:55AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss OP. What an awful, awful thing to have to go through.

With regard to your boyfriend part of me thinks that he isn't dealing at all with the loss of your son. I get the impression he's locking it up in a box to deal with later. Lots of people do this with grieve. He can't understand why you aren't doing the same and you grieving in the way you are is a constant reminder to him that he has lost your baby. Your physical appearance is a visible indicator that there was a baby, that this did actually happen and that he can't simple put it in a box. It sounds like he's hoping that if you just change your appearance all the pain and hurt will go away. It won't.

Right now, you are both grieving in very different ways.

Right now, your hormones are probably still all over the place as well as the grieve you're going through.

Right now, you've gotta take what your boyfriend is saying with a pinch of salt. Unfortunately, it looks like he's taking his grieve out on you.

Right now, your appearance needs to be the thing that you put on the back burner. You'll get that back but first you've got to find a way to cope with your grief with support from your doctor and counsellor.

Also, there is no time limit on this. Take your time coming to terms with your loss and finding a peaceful place for it.

Have a look at this website http://www.isands.ie/ They have a contact number and email address if you'd like to use that as well.
Contact ISANDS at 01 8726996
or email- info@isands.ie

The have a specific section talking about fathers who've lost children. Perhaps printing this out and giving it to your partner might open the lines of communication. http://www.isands.ie/fathers-mainmenu-27

They also have a forum where you can read and discuss with other people in your situation http://forum.isands.ie/

deise48 · 27-07-2009 10:00AM

sorry for your loss my best friends girlfriend lost a baby during birth last year and they are really having a tough time dealing with it but i really dont think your partners attitude is helpful at all .this is when you need him to be strong and be there for you .

joeduggan · 27-07-2009 10:05AM

blogga wrote: »

he's not all you have. The most important thing you have is you. Accept that that person is enough and you will begin to take the greatest journey of your life. Be as brave as you can and as strong as you can but most of all be as true as you can. One day at a time.

bang on!

Koushki · 27-07-2009 10:14AM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Firstly, maybe it happened for a reason. He is an insensitive arsehole and imagine if you did have a child with him?

when i just saw the name of the thread i was going to say 'maybe you do need to lose some weight; attraction is a big factor in a relationship if you're not attracted to your partner anymore then theres no point'

however. after reading your post, im absolutley appauled by him.
he is disgusting, how could he say that to you when you are obviously going through a very tough time.

What i suggest is you talk to friends and family or whatever helps, i'm not going to tell you to break up with him because i've no idea of your history or feelings towards him, but you don't need him in your life right now. you need peoples help. and don't be afraid to ask for it.

best of luck to you

Eve_Dublin · 27-07-2009 11:42AM

OP I don't really have any advice...I'm having a hard time getting my head round why someone would treat someone they supposedly love this way and I'm upset for you. No one deserves this type of treatment and least of all you after all you've been through. I could tell you what I think of your OH but I think it's already been said. People excuse all kinds of disgusting behaviour from the people they love and outsiders can be very judgemental because they haven't heard both sides of the story...but nothing excuses this. It's easy for us to give you advice and the help is out there...but you're going to have to muster up the bulk of the courage on your own...and you have it in you. We all do. It never ceases to amaze me how much humans can overcome and I've no doubt that you'll get through this and come out a stronger person at the other end.

All I can say is be strong, look after number one and do whatever it is you have to do to get through this. You sound like a lovely, sensitive, kind but very vulnerable person and I really hope you take care of your mental well-being through all this and do what is right for you and you only.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Wibbs · 27-07-2009 11:52AM

I'm pretty gobsmacked by his attitude, but along with some other posters, I'm feeling there's something else going on with him. Maybe it's his grief and frustrationcoming out. Not that it's an excuse, but considering his attention in the immediate aftermath of this personal tragedy for you both, it's puzzling.

Eve_Dublin · 27-07-2009 12:05PM

Wibbs wrote: »

I'm pretty gobsmacked by his attitude, but along with some other posters, I'm feeling there's something else going on with him. Maybe it's his grief and frustrationcoming out. Not that it's an excuse, but considering his attention in the immediate aftermath of this personal tragedy for you both, it's puzzling.

I would agree. As I said above, I can't get my head round why someone would treat someone they love in this way after what happened...it's out of my spectrum of understanding. Is it as simple as he's just a d*ckhead? There was something that the OP saw in him to begin with and she did say he was good to her after it all happened for 3 weeks. It's very, very puzzling to say the least.

I can be very black and white about things but I'm learning more and more that humans are very much in the grey zone. We aren't consistant in our behaviour and when we deviate from our usual "normal" code of behaviour to the point where is affects our loved ones, there's usually something up. People do grieve in different ways. I know plenty of people, particularly males and particularly males in this country who just bottle it up, pretend it never happened and do a very good job at covering up how they feel. I've seen it first hand. Perhaps the OP's grieving is a reminder to him of something he's trying to forget and he's lashing out. Still no excuse though.

I'll stop my pop-psychology now because I really don't know what's going on here...counselling is the only solution and I'd say leave it to the professionals.

Wagon · 27-07-2009 12:14PM

If my girlfriend told me to get into shape, id do it for her. So in the right circumstances it's not exactly an unreasonable request but in this case it's way, way out of line.

He's obviously been affected by the loss of the child but still, acting like a shallow wankér isn't going to help. It's not your fault this happened! So, he needs to get himself sorted out and actually realise what effect this has had on both of you and not just himself. You have just lost a child so losting weight isn't exactly the formost thing on your mind and his attitude to the situation is complete bóllocks. Has he ever acted like this before or was it just since the loss of your baby?

LegacyUser · 27-07-2009 12:22PM

OP I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you have gone and are still going through. Your circumstances absolutely break my heart, even before any mention of your OH.

Can I ask was this 'Ferarri vs Fiesta' mentality always there? Was he always very superficial? If not then I would think some of the other posters who suggested this is his delayed reaction to your shared loss may be correct.

However - there are shallow selfish bastards out there and maybe he was one before all this. If this is the case is this the man you really want to share your life with?

You brought a child to full term only a short few months ago, and then had major surgery (the c-section). If your child had lived you would not be in shape by now. In fact if you were beastfeeding and up all hours you might be in worse condition physically. It takes a womans body an average of a year to recover from pregnancy and childbirth and the fact is some women never do.

Do you think he would be putting you under this pressure if you had had a live birth? Do you think he would be this way if you have another child together?

You can dye your hair and walk off the pounds and buy back his 'love' again, but is a very devalued commodity if that is what it takes, and it could be lost again as quickly.

Unless this is purely a manifestation of his grief (in which case the organisations listed above are the best place to look for advice) you have learned a lot about this mans character. it is in times of adversity that we learn the most about ourselves and others.

In your shoes I wouldn't be asking how to win him back, I'd be asking if he deserves me.

Liam Byrne · 27-07-2009 01:44PM

Lose the weight, etc, for YOURSELF.

And then decide whether there's anything else you'd like to loose......maybe him ?

But yes, there could be a factor in that he's lost something too and is afraid of losing you to depression as well.

If that's indeed the case, he's not expressing / handling it very well, but it would be understandable.

Talk it through if you can, and best of luck!

Milky Moo · 27-07-2009 02:05PM

I am so very sorry for your loss I can't imagine the pain you are in right now.

Weight is a pretty hard thing to deal with at the best of time and you are at you lowest ebb.You should be concentrating on you and trying to steady yourself and come to terms with what has happened to you.

No one rational would expect you just to spring back under normal circumstances let alone this tragedy.

In all fairness yes he may be dealing with it in his own way and grief is a very personal thing but it does not mean he can be an insenstiive jerk and treat you as though you are merely something pretty to look at and that's all you have to offer.

Of course partners should be attracted to each other but it is way too soon to be making comments like this.

Nitxteha · 27-07-2009 03:09PM

He's being extremely cruel and unsympathetic. Don't let him do this to you, you have enough grief with your loss and you should have no time to put up with his stupidity.

Why don't you stay with your parents for a while? You need to be taken care of now. When you recover a bit from your loss then you could takle your man's problem.

I think you know people by their reactions. Now you've see his reaction Do you really need him? I think everybody deserves a nice loving and supporting partner (no matter their looks, by the way).

LegacyUser · 27-07-2009 03:48PM

OP here

Thankk you all for your kindess i didnt sleep very well last night by 10am i hadnt heard anything from him so i rang him i got a half hearted 'sorry im a d**khead i dont want to lose you sorry i have to go can we talk tonight'

I would have nderstood t he had of said its hard for him looking at me so down and why dont i go the gym to cheer myself up but he was so cold and nasty im so angry today

On the up side i went to the gym and got an accessment done i have to lose 3 stone which is ok it getting the motivation just to leave the house is my problem

I really dont know what to say to him or what he can say to me to make what he said better no matter what he says his words not mine be blonde be skinny be loved ......

He says I've to loose weight or its over

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