He says I've to loose weight or its over

LegacyUser

Hi everyone i feel so low 3 1/2 months ago my baby was born stillborn at full term as you can imagine it has been really difficult for both of us this evening my other half told me i have to loose weight and go back blonde or its over my confidence is rock bottom and i went for a walk i was really upset i sent him a txt whie i was out asking if he just dosent love me any more (as slowly things have fizziled out with us ) and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I feel so worthless i have no friends as they avoided me big time and dont answer txts since i lost the baby.

I HATE the way i look i dont nake an effort anymore because no matter what i do i look fat when we meet i had dark hair and it never bothered him now when im at may lowest he tells me that how can i make him love me again fast i dont want to loose him too hes all i have please help me

The Sweeper

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second, your partner is being an insensitive dickhead. You cannot 'make' him love you, no more than you can make the world stop turning. You need time to grieve over your stillborn child and only when you have been through that grieving process are you going to have the strength to try and get your life back together again - first the strength to keep going every day, and then when you're up to it, your weight - for your health - and then your appearance. How you feel projects directly on to how you look.

Unless he cannot cope with his own grief and is trying to sweep it under the carpet, I cannot understand why anyone who really loves you would take this opportunity to kick you when you're down.

Anger is a big part of grieving, and if I were you, about now I'd be getting really, really angry.

herya

I am very sorry for your loss.

Apart from the insensivity (how can he be so shallow so soon after you both lost your baby?) your partner's reasoning seems all wrong. Does he really think that a couple of pounds less and a bottle of dye cure all the problems? If he has you skinny and blonde but still depressed and despairing after the child you lost will he be happy?

Can you maybe spend a little time apart from him, for example with your family so that you receive more support and he possibly sees things in a different perspective?

Overheal

there would be a big difference, say, if someone asked you to lose weight for the sake of your health. but here you have an ass clearly going after appearaces, and nothing else.

Sounds to me like theres some deep resentment on his part over the stillborn. The truth is you dont know what went wrong, do you? It could be him, it could be you, it could have been an outside factor. You could be a poor genetic matchup. At this point though, its irrelevant, but i get the feeling he;s dumping blame/hate on you.

Its up to you. You can cut your losses and leave him. Or you can both take a few counseling sessions.

blogga

he's not all you have. The most important thing you have is you. Accept that that person is enough and you will begin to take the greatest journey of your life. Be as brave as you can and as strong as you can but most of all be as true as you can. One day at a time.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much
Its not just a few pounds its a couple of stone and i did promise i would get back in shape and i haven't even tried he feels like i have conned him that he fell in love with one person and got stuck with fat me

He is gone home to his mams and turned his phoneso he can sleep he said i promised a fararri and i gave a ford feista i want to be slim again i want to be happy again im going for counselling he wont he dealt with it himself could there be someone else im just devestated i really am he has put up with alot

Ellsbells

OP, I am terribly sorry for your loss. The giref must seem insurmountable... I would suggest you look up 'isands' for some support.

Can I ask how the tow of you are grieving - separately or as a unit? Does he feel that you are getting through this better than him or even getting on with it and not caring how he is coping with his grief. Situations such as this should bring a couple closer because of the shared loss but often the opposite happens and i would be interested on how he sees the situation at the moment. I am no making any excuses for him but he seems to have some resentment for you. It cannot be to do with the loss of the baby so it must be to do with the happenings since.

Counselling is a must here. You need support and in the meantime, tell him to shove his blonde hair request as you have enough to do by grieving for your lost child.

Keep contacting your friends. My best friend lost her first baby girl in the same circumstances and I saw first hand how devastating it is... People dont know what to say to you but they will. Ask them to go to the cinema so you get out but dont have to talk if you dont want to. People are scared of grief and scared of saying the wrong thing. I think this is even more prevalent when its to do with the loss of a child. Stick in there and talk to people, anyone who will listen as you need help to get over this. Good luck.

Ellsbells

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you so much
Its not just a few pounds its a couple of stone and i did promise i would get back in shape and i haven't even tried he feels like i have conned him that he fell in love with one person and got stuck with fat me

He is gone home to his mams and turned his phoneso he can sleep he said i promised a fararri and i gave a ford feista i want to be slim again i want to be happy again im going for counselling he wont he dealt with it himself could there be someone else im just devestated i really am he has put up with alot

Its not about the weight per se.... Was this an issue before the baby issue? I would suggest it could be cos he sees you unhappy on this subject but unwilling to do anything about it? Does this make sense?

But htere is still NO EXCUSE for his abuse.

Final Approach

Unregistered wrote: »

and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I have to say that this sounds like one of the cruellest, most shallow things any man could say to his girlfriend. What makes it 100 times worse is, as you said, you are at an extremely low point at the moment as a result of what you've just gone through.

Where an issue develops between two people, most of the time it is possible to see, at least to an extent, both persons point of view, or the reason for it. But in this case, I cannot understand how any man could treat his girlfriend so horribly.

I don't know the bigger picture here, and naturally there is a lot more to it, but suffice to say that your boyfriend is nothing short of a walking disgrace, who should be absolutely ashamed of himself.

My advice based on what you've said, is that considering things have already "fizzled out", you'd probably be doing yourself a big favour in the long run if you began thinking about breaking it of with him.

I know life must be extremely difficult for you, and I know that since you say that you don't have many friends that you can turn to for support, it probably seems that it would be impossible for you to continue on without this guy in your life, but really and truly, to me it sounds like he is a direct cause of some of your depression. Lets be honest, he isn't exactly what you'd call supportive, encouraging, or even helpful, is he? All of the above is what a partner should be in a situation like this. He is the complete opposite.

You've just buried a child together, and his priority in life at the moment is your hair colour. Just about says it all for me.

Xiney

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Second, your partner is being an insensitive dickhead.

I don't usually do this on PI (and don't take this as an encouragement!)

But, hell.

Quoted for absolute truth.

LegacyUser

When i can out of hospital he was fantastice he took 3 weeks off work and did everything for me even helped me shower as i had a section and it got infected then he went back to work and because he was back to 'normal' expected me to be too he did have moments of being weepy but it seems that because a coule of months have passed that i should be normal too i am trying i hate going out because even the sight of babies in prams is ripping my heart out and when i did speack to him he said i am bound to feel it more as i carried him .... i have suggest everything to my 'friends' walks pictures coffee lunch i get blanked i know its hard for them i saw someone in the shop during the week and the first thing she asked was well what id you have i was mortifed when i told her so was she the poor thing
i really dont want to loose him i asked him why he didnt say i want you to be happy again and he said becuse i want you to look good and he also said he was embarressed that he said it but he was only being honest

Thank you all so much sorry for the typos im crying

bronte

Jesus, He is being horrible.
Is he always like this?
I understand you guys have been through a lot, but if this is how your partner is when you are at your lowest ebb, then I'd seriously be considering your future with him if I were you.
I mean that in the kindest way.
Can you talk to him about these comments? because they are hugely distressing for anyone to hear, let alone yourself.
1)He does NOT decide what hair colour you have.
2)You gave birth very recently. Until he does that, he will NOT tell you to lose weight whenever he wants.

Ellsbells

bronte wrote: »

because they are hugely distressing for anyone to hear, let alone yourself.

This is v true OP, I had tears in my eyes reading your story..... Cant even imagine how hurt and confused you are...

Terodil

First off, let me agree with the pre-posters in saying that what he said seems very insensitive and cruel. Another post condemning the OH wouldn't really contribute much to this thread as he's already been flogged to death here, so I'd like to toss an idea into the round that I got when reading the thread...

Maybe this text is an emergency call from him too? You know it's not just the OP who lost a baby. After the three weeks at home and another 2 months' grieving on top the OH is probably desperate to get the relationship back on track. By the sounds of it, he has been as caring as he could be during that time, and he's afraid that he's not only lost the kid, but also the OP. I think the three months have shown that he appreciates the need for grieving, but in all honesty, after three months, I think he may justifiably expect a sign of normality settling in, even if the grieving is still going to take much longer. The OP has said several times that she wanted to be slim again, and told him so, but it never happened. To me it sounds as if she's in the firm grip of a depression. Maybe the OH is trying to wake her up and make her snap out of it. The verbal representation of the proverbial slap, if you will.

Now I agree again it is clumsy and insensitive, but the knee-jerk 'dump him' response is totally inappropriate here given the hard times and emotional stress the both of them have gone through. The two should try to get counselling to get over the whole situation. The OP needs to get her drive back and not let go of herself any more; there is a time and place for grieving, but life must not stop, as silly and cliched as it sounds. And they need to re-discover the love for each other because that's why they are together in the first place.

So my advice to the OP: Your OH is afraid to lose you. It's terrible to see somebody you love slipping into a maze of depression and not being able to get through. What he said to you is hurtful, but you need to understand that it's not directed at you personally but rather at the whole situation. I'm sure he is not so shallow to simply want you blonde and slim to love you, it's more a symbol that you need to start looking ahead again, instead of always grieving over things past. You need to love yourself to be loved, and your inability to act on what you yourself perceive as letting yourself go is a warning sign that you are stuck in the grieving. It is often said that a haircut change, for example, is an important sign of making a cut.

OP I really hope you can get your relationship back on track together. Best of luck.

[Jackass]

Hi OP,

Wow, that really is a tough situation you're in and I can only imagine how difficult the loss of a baby would be without having to deal with any other problems.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer on the situation, I just felt from reading your posts that you've been really brave and don't ever beat yourself up about anything, none of this is your fault and your confidence and life has been shook to the core with everything that happened. I really admire you for working so hard to cope with things and in time everything will improve and get easier.

I just wanted you to know that anyway, and don't put pressure on yourself, there's no time frame to when you should be back to "normal" and just keep trying your best, there's nothing more that can be expected of you and I really hope he snaps out of it and realises you need a bit more support. That's really hurtfull what he said, I can't imagine what came over him, but as long as your honest with him about how everything makes you feel then I really hope everything works out for you.

Best of luck and take your time with things.

Mr Benevolent

OP, I'm sorry to say this but maybe you've gotten a look at his real personality, both in terms of shallowness and lack of empathy. What he said is unforgivable. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you can come to terms with it in your own way.

abouttobebanned

Usually OP, I take a different side of the fence to other posters on this kind of issue. I think that men have a right to be attracted to their partners and shouldn't have to stay wit them just for the sake of it. But this is different. This guy is being an absolute asshole and how he's acting here is a mirror image of the man that you're with, but for some reason you're choosing to ignore this person. This is not the man for you, you're going to have to move on.

Jumpy

Might be worth being the devils advocate and saying to posters that they dont know both sides of the story here.
There are very few people that would treat their OH that way, perhaps the OP is typing what she thinks he means rather than what he is saying.

b3t4

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss OP. What an awful, awful thing to have to go through.

With regard to your boyfriend part of me thinks that he isn't dealing at all with the loss of your son. I get the impression he's locking it up in a box to deal with later. Lots of people do this with grieve. He can't understand why you aren't doing the same and you grieving in the way you are is a constant reminder to him that he has lost your baby. Your physical appearance is a visible indicator that there was a baby, that this did actually happen and that he can't simple put it in a box. It sounds like he's hoping that if you just change your appearance all the pain and hurt will go away. It won't.

Right now, you are both grieving in very different ways.

Right now, your hormones are probably still all over the place as well as the grieve you're going through.

Right now, you've gotta take what your boyfriend is saying with a pinch of salt. Unfortunately, it looks like he's taking his grieve out on you.

Right now, your appearance needs to be the thing that you put on the back burner. You'll get that back but first you've got to find a way to cope with your grief with support from your doctor and counsellor.

Also, there is no time limit on this. Take your time coming to terms with your loss and finding a peaceful place for it.

Have a look at this website http://www.isands.ie/ They have a contact number and email address if you'd like to use that as well.
Contact ISANDS at 01 8726996
or email- info@isands.ie

The have a specific section talking about fathers who've lost children. Perhaps printing this out and giving it to your partner might open the lines of communication. http://www.isands.ie/fathers-mainmenu-27

They also have a forum where you can read and discuss with other people in your situation http://forum.isands.ie/

deise48

sorry for your loss my best friends girlfriend lost a baby during birth last year and they are really having a tough time dealing with it but i really dont think your partners attitude is helpful at all .this is when you need him to be strong and be there for you .

joeduggan

blogga wrote: »

he's not all you have. The most important thing you have is you. Accept that that person is enough and you will begin to take the greatest journey of your life. Be as brave as you can and as strong as you can but most of all be as true as you can. One day at a time.

bang on!

Koushki

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Firstly, maybe it happened for a reason. He is an insensitive arsehole and imagine if you did have a child with him?

when i just saw the name of the thread i was going to say 'maybe you do need to lose some weight; attraction is a big factor in a relationship if you're not attracted to your partner anymore then theres no point'

however. after reading your post, im absolutley appauled by him.
he is disgusting, how could he say that to you when you are obviously going through a very tough time.

What i suggest is you talk to friends and family or whatever helps, i'm not going to tell you to break up with him because i've no idea of your history or feelings towards him, but you don't need him in your life right now. you need peoples help. and don't be afraid to ask for it.

best of luck to you

Eve_Dublin

OP I don't really have any advice...I'm having a hard time getting my head round why someone would treat someone they supposedly love this way and I'm upset for you. No one deserves this type of treatment and least of all you after all you've been through. I could tell you what I think of your OH but I think it's already been said. People excuse all kinds of disgusting behaviour from the people they love and outsiders can be very judgemental because they haven't heard both sides of the story...but nothing excuses this. It's easy for us to give you advice and the help is out there...but you're going to have to muster up the bulk of the courage on your own...and you have it in you. We all do. It never ceases to amaze me how much humans can overcome and I've no doubt that you'll get through this and come out a stronger person at the other end.

All I can say is be strong, look after number one and do whatever it is you have to do to get through this. You sound like a lovely, sensitive, kind but very vulnerable person and I really hope you take care of your mental well-being through all this and do what is right for you and you only.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Wibbs

I'm pretty gobsmacked by his attitude, but along with some other posters, I'm feeling there's something else going on with him. Maybe it's his grief and frustrationcoming out. Not that it's an excuse, but considering his attention in the immediate aftermath of this personal tragedy for you both, it's puzzling.

Eve_Dublin

Wibbs wrote: »

I'm pretty gobsmacked by his attitude, but along with some other posters, I'm feeling there's something else going on with him. Maybe it's his grief and frustrationcoming out. Not that it's an excuse, but considering his attention in the immediate aftermath of this personal tragedy for you both, it's puzzling.

I would agree. As I said above, I can't get my head round why someone would treat someone they love in this way after what happened...it's out of my spectrum of understanding. Is it as simple as he's just a d*ckhead? There was something that the OP saw in him to begin with and she did say he was good to her after it all happened for 3 weeks. It's very, very puzzling to say the least.

I can be very black and white about things but I'm learning more and more that humans are very much in the grey zone. We aren't consistant in our behaviour and when we deviate from our usual "normal" code of behaviour to the point where is affects our loved ones, there's usually something up. People do grieve in different ways. I know plenty of people, particularly males and particularly males in this country who just bottle it up, pretend it never happened and do a very good job at covering up how they feel. I've seen it first hand. Perhaps the OP's grieving is a reminder to him of something he's trying to forget and he's lashing out. Still no excuse though.

I'll stop my pop-psychology now because I really don't know what's going on here...counselling is the only solution and I'd say leave it to the professionals.

Wagon

If my girlfriend told me to get into shape, id do it for her. So in the right circumstances it's not exactly an unreasonable request but in this case it's way, way out of line.

He's obviously been affected by the loss of the child but still, acting like a shallow wankér isn't going to help. It's not your fault this happened! So, he needs to get himself sorted out and actually realise what effect this has had on both of you and not just himself. You have just lost a child so losting weight isn't exactly the formost thing on your mind and his attitude to the situation is complete bóllocks. Has he ever acted like this before or was it just since the loss of your baby?

LegacyUser

OP I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you have gone and are still going through. Your circumstances absolutely break my heart, even before any mention of your OH.

Can I ask was this 'Ferarri vs Fiesta' mentality always there? Was he always very superficial? If not then I would think some of the other posters who suggested this is his delayed reaction to your shared loss may be correct.

However - there are shallow selfish bastards out there and maybe he was one before all this. If this is the case is this the man you really want to share your life with?

You brought a child to full term only a short few months ago, and then had major surgery (the c-section). If your child had lived you would not be in shape by now. In fact if you were beastfeeding and up all hours you might be in worse condition physically. It takes a womans body an average of a year to recover from pregnancy and childbirth and the fact is some women never do.

Do you think he would be putting you under this pressure if you had had a live birth? Do you think he would be this way if you have another child together?

You can dye your hair and walk off the pounds and buy back his 'love' again, but is a very devalued commodity if that is what it takes, and it could be lost again as quickly.

Unless this is purely a manifestation of his grief (in which case the organisations listed above are the best place to look for advice) you have learned a lot about this mans character. it is in times of adversity that we learn the most about ourselves and others.

In your shoes I wouldn't be asking how to win him back, I'd be asking if he deserves me.

Liam Byrne

Lose the weight, etc, for YOURSELF.

And then decide whether there's anything else you'd like to loose......maybe him ?

But yes, there could be a factor in that he's lost something too and is afraid of losing you to depression as well.

If that's indeed the case, he's not expressing / handling it very well, but it would be understandable.

Talk it through if you can, and best of luck!

Milky Moo

I am so very sorry for your loss I can't imagine the pain you are in right now.

Weight is a pretty hard thing to deal with at the best of time and you are at you lowest ebb.You should be concentrating on you and trying to steady yourself and come to terms with what has happened to you.

No one rational would expect you just to spring back under normal circumstances let alone this tragedy.

In all fairness yes he may be dealing with it in his own way and grief is a very personal thing but it does not mean he can be an insenstiive jerk and treat you as though you are merely something pretty to look at and that's all you have to offer.

Of course partners should be attracted to each other but it is way too soon to be making comments like this.

Nitxteha

He's being extremely cruel and unsympathetic. Don't let him do this to you, you have enough grief with your loss and you should have no time to put up with his stupidity.

Why don't you stay with your parents for a while? You need to be taken care of now. When you recover a bit from your loss then you could takle your man's problem.

I think you know people by their reactions. Now you've see his reaction Do you really need him? I think everybody deserves a nice loving and supporting partner (no matter their looks, by the way).

LegacyUser

OP here

Thankk you all for your kindess i didnt sleep very well last night by 10am i hadnt heard anything from him so i rang him i got a half hearted 'sorry im a d**khead i dont want to lose you sorry i have to go can we talk tonight'

I would have nderstood t he had of said its hard for him looking at me so down and why dont i go the gym to cheer myself up but he was so cold and nasty im so angry today

On the up side i went to the gym and got an accessment done i have to lose 3 stone which is ok it getting the motivation just to leave the house is my problem

I really dont know what to say to him or what he can say to me to make what he said better no matter what he says his words not mine be blonde be skinny be loved ......

Wagon

Expression like "be blonde be skinny be loved" and "you promised me a ferrari and all i got was a fiesta" piss me off. I think that people who say things like this tend to be ****. I mean, we all love a bit of imagry but not in something as depressing as this.

Also, the correct answer to "why not go to the gym to cheer yourself up?" if you dont feel like it, is a very clear and concise "go and fúck yourself". Go to the Gym and get in shape FOR YOURSELF. Not him. By all means if you want to lose 3 stone then go for it and there's no problem whatsoever with that but do it for yourself.

And I'd keep my distance until he comes to you with a proper apology for his acting like a cóck. You'll know if he does and then by all means forgive him. People have their own ways in dealing with grief and this could be his own (very odd) way.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

I would have nderstood t he had of said its hard for him looking at me so down and why dont i go the gym to cheer myself up but he was so cold and nasty im so angry today

You have a right to be angry and I would be too in your shoes, but I do agree with some of the posters who suggest his actions could be to do with his own grief.

I'm not trying to compare the situations, because I can't quite imagine going through what you have in the last few months, but I miscarried last year and while initially my husband was great, after a while he became angry at me when I couldn't just get over it. At the time I was hurt, confused and regularly angry with him for being so insensitive. Now it's clear that a lot of how he acted was because he was trying so hard to feel ok again but when I was so lost it brought him down. I think he tried to get back to normal before he was ready and blamed my grief as the reason he was still feeling awful, rather than his own sadness. He also felt like he needed to be strong for me, but he didn't have me to be strong for him, because I wasn't me at that point.

I do suspect that your partner is in a similar place and going through similar feelings - though worse, as what you've both been through is harder. It doesn't excuse it what he said to you, it was extremely nasty and so hurtful, but it may possibly explain it.

Taltos

I too think you have every right to be angry - angry as hell.

However - as to the gym - I really hope that you are doing this for you. If you are really not - then you run a huge risk here of failing in trying to lose weight here - which will in turn feed into your own feelings of self-worth and so start a new cycle of self-hate. So please be careful here.

Only go to the gym if you are sure it is what you want and you have the time to commit to it. FYI - I have been going now for 4 yrs 3 times a week and have not lost weight... So I need now to look at my life at home and at work to see what I am eating - try to make sure it is health etc - you may need to do the same. (dreading cutting off the chinese)

In the meantime however you two need to sit down and chat somewhere over everything that has happened to you both. If you think that it would help even seek 3rd party help on this.

However - no-one has the right to talk to you or about you like you are a piece of meat or a object to be owned like a car. Needs to get a grip. If you see that happen again - just calmly take control - hold up you hand and gently stop him. Some people have no idea how hurtful their words can be.

carlybabe1

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi everyone i feel so low 3 1/2 months ago my baby was born stillborn at full term as you can imagine it has been really difficult for both of us this evening my other half told me i have to loose weight and go back blonde or its over my confidence is rock bottom and i went for a walk i was really upset i sent him a txt whie i was out asking if he just dosent love me any more (as slowly things have fizziled out with us ) and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I feel so worthless i have no friends as they avoided me big time and dont answer txts since i lost the baby.

I HATE the way i look i dont nake an effort anymore because no matter what i do i look fat when we meet i had dark hair and it never bothered him now when im at may lowest he tells me that how can i make him love me again fast i dont want to loose him too hes all i have please help me

Hi op, Im really sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you,you must be so vulnerable. However, I think your boyfriend is right, you need to drop about 135lbs (insert boyfriends weght here) of shi*thead straight away. Get that waste of space out of your life before he drives you to suicide, join a begginers running club (they meet in different parks around dublin) and invent some "me" time for yourself. Theres nothin like running away from your heartache to give yourself headspace for an hour or so.Pack his **** and have it at the door for him this evening, because not only is he not supporting you, hes making you feel worse about yourself at a time when your most vulnerable, talk about kicking you when you're already down :mad:

Terodil

TBH I have doubts if *anybody* of the dump him brigade have *any* clue of what he is going through at the moment. I have been debating with myself if I should post this or not but honestly, you are condemning him, using the vilest of words to describe him ('dickhead', 'disgusting', ...) without ever having given him a chance to explain. Without putting yourself into his shoes. Do you realise how stinking unfair this is?

I doubt many of you have actually experienced a situation remotely comparable to the one he finds himself in:

Have you lost a baby? Have you had to fear for your beloved OH, have you watched her slip into a depression and wrapping herself in a shell that even she herself cannot get through? Have you seen her get lost in that destructive maze that at the same time renders all attempts to reach her ineffective? Have you been forced to watch in despair as she slips away from you and all you can grip is sand?

Do you have any inkling of the emotional duress he finds himself in, too?

I have only been in a couple of these things and already found it more than mindcrushing, especially the bit about a beloved relative slipping away and being incapable to help. I can't believe what it's like to go through all of them at once.

This clearly is a borderline situation. People behave very differently under such extreme stress and behaviour shown there is not indicative of their true self, cop on, that's laughable. All you get in such situations is a very frightened, highly despairing, and irrational human being that will make mistakes that they will regret forever after. I don't wish this on anybody but some of the replies in here really have me furious, and I cannot help but wonder if you yourself would be all that perfect in those circumstances.

What I find worse is that you are not suggesting that they work it out, which is the only thing that would help both of them, but for the OP to lose the last point of reference she has at the moment. Don't you realise how counterproductive this is? Yes he has been very cruel to her but we don't know why he said it. Grief, confusion, and despair will certainly have had their hand in this; additionally who knows what the OP is really like -- she may be so depressed and withdrawn in her 'protective' bubble of grief that the OH thought more compassion would be misplaced. I'm not one to assess if this judgment was right or not but

a) in general, there is such a thing as too much compassion. At some point, we need to start walking again, even if it's painful and we'll limp forever. Too much compassion would hurt the other instead of helping.

b) in this situation, it is a distinct possibility that the OH did indeed think like this.

Now I have to add the disclaimer that I do not know the OH in the OP. I only have indications to go on, as does everybody else in this thread. Perhaps he is a dickhead and wanted to get rid of the OP, I don't know, the OP said that things were fizzling out already. But on the other hand I know that he has been there for her for 3.5 months, with as much as he could afford (3 weeks) 'intensive care'. That simply does not fit.

And in this context, all these judgments are simply not fair or productive. Where's the benefit of the doubt?

This couple urgently needs counselling to get over an event that would lead any relationship to the brink.

herya

Terodil wrote: »

TBH I have doubts if *anybody* of the dump him brigade have *any* clue of what he is going through at the moment. I have been debating with myself if I should post this or not but honestly, you are condemning him, using the vilest of words to describe him ('dickhead', 'disgusting', ...) without ever having given him a chance to explain. Without putting yourself into his shoes. Do you realise how stinking unfair this is?

I guess that from the story OP told there are only two options:
- either her OH is indeed a vile, shallow d***head
- or he is still traumatised which makes him act weird (really, really weird).

Based on their previous history, the OP should be able tell rather easily whether he's always been like this (no point in working on him them or in fact putting up with him) or is it abnormal and caused by their recent circumstances (in which case it's an issue that definitely requires further work for the sake of their relationship).

Either way, best of luck Op - please take good care of yourself first now.

The End Of Days

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi everyone i feel so low 3 1/2 months ago my baby was born stillborn at full term as you can imagine it has been really difficult for both of us this evening my other half told me i have to loose weight and go back blonde or its over my confidence is rock bottom and i went for a walk i was really upset i sent him a txt whie i was out asking if he just dosent love me any more (as slowly things have fizziled out with us ) and the reply i got was be skinny be blonde be loved xx

I feel so worthless i have no friends as they avoided me big time and dont answer txts since i lost the baby.

I HATE the way i look i dont nake an effort anymore because no matter what i do i look fat when we meet i had dark hair and it never bothered him now when im at may lowest he tells me that how can i make him love me again fast i dont want to loose him too hes all i have please help me

You have life and you should choose your own path, he too has a life and he should choose his own, he has chosen to not do so with the fat you and you should not have a life with someone who would not be with you because of a bit of weight.

One of the two of you needs to be very honest.

Escapism

Dear OP ...

I'm just so so sorry for the loss of your beloved little baby.

I'm reeling from reading back over the thread as I simply cannot believe that your OH said those things to you. I don't have any pearls of wisdom but I hope to God it all resolves for you. I do think that he must be in the depths of despair too on losing his child but being 'the man' he's gotta seem strong, but the remarks ... jeez i just don't know, i've never heard anything like them.!

www.anamcara.ie is an incredible organisation that you may find comfort from in this time of loss.

Take care of yourself dear poster. xx

Ollchailin

OP, I'm not even going to begin to try to understand how you must be feeling now, you have suffered such an awful loss. I think maybe your partner is perhaps being cruel in order to have something else to focus on, instead of facing the reality of this loss. By being angry with you, he's avoiding being angry with losing his child.

However, there are ways of dealing with this anger, and saying the things he did is not it. As someone who has trouble with their weight too, I know how awful it is to have it pointed out to you- particularly when NO ONE is more conscious of the weight than you. If you do continue to go to the gym, do it for you. He may want this "Ferrari", but what would happen if God forbid something worse than being a bit overweight happened to you? Would he leave you then?? If so then he needs to realise when you choose to be with someone you are there for them NO MATTER WHAT.

I have never been to any type of counselling before but I think that's what is needed here. It may be hard for you to convince him to go with you though- and if he refuses, you should still go yourself. At least that way you know you are looking after YOU, which after all is the most important thing, and the one thing you know you can have control over. Best of luck, and again sorry for your loss.

smithcity

For everyone involved in this thread, I'm sorry, I only just read the first post and couldn't wait to read the rest. I had to respond to it.

You need to tell that guy to piss off!
What kind of man decides he can't love someone because she has put on weight?
A piece of ****!
My gf has developed a health issue in the last year that has caused her to put on quite a bit of weight, but I love her more every day and think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I know she isn't comfortable with her weight and she's battling to control it, she feels bad about it. If she was thinner and died her hair my favourite colour, that'd be nice but wouldn't change how much I love her.

A boyfriends job is to make sure she know's that it doesn't matter, that she's loved and that she can depend on him to try and make her happy.

No matter what you may think of yourself at the moment, you have to know that you deserve better than this! Anyone who tells someone they supposedly love that their continued love is based on weight, is broken inside.

You're better off without him. I know it's clichéd and glib and probably a hundred people have said so already, but it's a fact!


Ok, caught up on the posts.
There was an arguement that his pain at the loss should be appreciated too. But if his response is to lash out at you, then he's not a good guy.

LegacyUser

I'm with Terodil on this one. In fact I think his advice is very good.


I had a miscarriage years ago with a partner, it was early, and nothing like what the OP has gone through, but to my partner it seemed like it was 'over' and dealt with in a fortnight. Of course thats not how it was but thats how it seemed at the time. Meanwhile I was dark and obsessive for months afterwards.

None of us know the story here, but the guy has been very loving in the past. Is it possible the horrible text is his version of 'tough love'? Or maybe he's simply freaking out. OP, after I had my miscarriage (which was NOTHING like you've been through but...), I was leaning very heavily on my bf. I was a very very sad person. TBH I'm not sure who could have handled me back then and he certainly couldn't and said cruel things. We broke up for about four months (he broke up with me) but later married, because he did love me all the way through it but couldn't handle me then.

Don't worry about the weight. That will sort itself out. Stop contacting him and give him some space. He's not going to forget you in a week, and if he has to contact you first he will be more respectful. Meanwhile he'll probably work out that you're still in the very bad part of greiving. Don't worry, you are not going to loose this guy over night after all you've been through together.

smithcity

Unregistered wrote: »

Is it possible the horrible text is his version of 'tough love'? Or maybe he's simply freaking out.

How is "be thin, be blonde, be loved" tough love?
It's a demand for her to change herself into something he has decided he wants.

jimmycrackcorm

smithcity wrote: »

How is "be thin, be blonde, be loved" tough love?
It's a demand for her to change herself into something he has decided he wants.

I'm also with Terodil's train of thought.

Not to be picking just on this quote but most posters seem to have glossed over the bit where the op said he took three weeks off and was fantastic to her. There's always two sides to the story and there's no point picking out a single sentence and deciding a guilty verdict ignoring anything else. Does one text, self admitted as a dickhead, completely negate three weeks of attention?

As he did not carry the child, he won't feel the same as the op so my money is on an extremely clumsy attempt to drag the op back to some sort of normality that he recognizes from a person who looked happier when she looked different.

smithcity

TBH my estranged sister is in a similar situation as the OP and I can't help but wonder if it's her! That'd be a bit mad

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm am very saddened reading this thread. What you have went through is awful and I sympathize with you for the loss of your baby. I think your bf is being very selfish. You are grieving and you are not expected to be okay about what has happened. It seems your bf thinks you should be over it by now but everybody is different and he is being very unfair to you, people deal with grief in different ways, some cry, some are angry. I think your bf is angry and he is venting his angry grief at you. It is not fair and is not good for your well being. You say your friends are avoiding you too, maybe they are afraid they might say the wrong thing to you and cause you more upset. Do you have any family that you could stay with for a little while. You need somebody to take care of you at the moment and it dosent look like that person is going to be your bf. You need to do whatever it takes to make yourself better, and I dont mean losing weight or dyeing your hair. If you want to do that at some stage, do it for yourself and nobody else. I think you should consider councelling to help you come to terms with your loss, it will help you to understand yourself and how you truly feel about everything...... including your bf. I wish you the very best.

ps you sound like your far to good for him anyway

LegacyUser

OP, I feel for you. And I disagree with whoever is defending your bully of a boyfriend. The same thing happened to my sister and her then bf took her vulnerability as an opportunity to gradually break things off by abusing her in the manner you have described. Then he got her pregnant again and pissed off. She was so stressed she miscarried the child. It took years for her to get over it.

Dont hang around. The abuse will get worse and you will just sink lower. Then its your family who have to pull you out. Not that we minded, we love her and were glad to see the back of that coward. Its liuke being brainwashed. You cant see what hes doing.

carlybabe1

Terodil wrote: »

TBH I have doubts if *anybody* of the dump him brigade have *any* clue of what he is going through at the moment. I have been debating with myself if I should post this or not but honestly, you are condemning him, using the vilest of words to describe him ('dickhead', 'disgusting', ...) without ever having given him a chance to explain. Without putting yourself into his shoes. Do you realise how stinking unfair this is?

I doubt many of you have actually experienced a situation remotely comparable to the one he finds himself in:

Have you lost a baby? Have you had to fear for your beloved OH, have you watched her slip into a depression and wrapping herself in a shell that even she herself cannot get through? Have you seen her get lost in that destructive maze that at the same time renders all attempts to reach her ineffective? Have you been forced to watch in despair as she slips away from you and all you can grip is sand?

Do you have any inkling of the emotional duress he finds himself in, too?

I have only been in a couple of these things and already found it more than mindcrushing, especially the bit about a beloved relative slipping away and being incapable to help. I can't believe what it's like to go through all of them at once.

This clearly is a borderline situation. People behave very differently under such extreme stress and behaviour shown there is not indicative of their true self, cop on, that's laughable. All you get in such situations is a very frightened, highly despairing, and irrational human being that will make mistakes that they will regret forever after. I don't wish this on anybody but some of the replies in here really have me furious, and I cannot help but wonder if you yourself would be all that perfect in those circumstances.

What I find worse is that you are not suggesting that they work it out, which is the only thing that would help both of them, but for the OP to lose the last point of reference she has at the moment. Don't you realise how counterproductive this is? Yes he has been very cruel to her but we don't know why he said it. Grief, confusion, and despair will certainly have had their hand in this; additionally who knows what the OP is really like -- she may be so depressed and withdrawn in her 'protective' bubble of grief that the OH thought more compassion would be misplaced. I'm not one to assess if this judgment was right or not but

a) in general, there is such a thing as too much compassion. At some point, we need to start walking again, even if it's painful and we'll limp forever. Too much compassion would hurt the other instead of helping.

b) in this situation, it is a distinct possibility that the OH did indeed think like this.

Now I have to add the disclaimer that I do not know the OH in the OP. I only have indications to go on, as does everybody else in this thread. Perhaps he is a dickhead and wanted to get rid of the OP, I don't know, the OP said that things were fizzling out already. But on the other hand I know that he has been there for her for 3.5 months, with as much as he could afford (3 weeks) 'intensive care'. That simply does not fit.

And in this context, all these judgments are simply not fair or productive. Where's the benefit of the doubt?

This couple urgently needs counselling to get over an event that would lead any relationship to the brink.

With all due respect, I do know what its like to loose a child, I also know grief, fear, anger, anxiety and overwhelming despair, not to mention the hollow I've had in the center of my being since I lost my son. I know the yearning, the nightmares, and the desire to just ly down and sleep forever, all of which the OP is going through at the moment. I also know that I didnt abuse my sons Dad, I didnt belittle him, or make him feel like sh&t(sure, we had rows and the relationship didnt survive,) So no matter what the bf is suffering, and Im sure he is, but it doesn't alter the fact that its no excuse for his behaviour, and it doesn't alleviate the fact that when the sh!t hit the fan, instead of supporting her, he's abusing her. Its always good to know who you can rely on in a crisis

carlybabe1

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I'm also with Terodil's train of thought.

Not to be picking just on this quote but most posters seem to have glossed over the bit where the op said he took three weeks off and was fantastic to her.


:eek::eek::eek: WTF, 3weeks??? Well, thats just brill of him, isnt it???
Eh, HELLLOOOOOOO!!!! Its not the family f&ckin dog we're talkin about here, and its ALWAYS people who havent gone through significant loss of someone close to them that seem to think people should be "over it" after a ridiculous amount of time. See thats the thing about loosing a child, you dont ever get over it, you simply learn to live with it.

There's always two sides to the story and there's no point picking out a single sentence and deciding a guilty verdict ignoring anything else

Im not nit picking, but it wasnt a simple sentence, it was a sentence, followed by a bigger insult, followed by an even more insulting text

Does one text, self admitted as a dickhead, completely negate three weeks of attention?

As I already said about the three weeks, but yes, it totally negates anything good he done all the way through the pregnancy

As he did not carry the child, he won't feel the same as the op so my money is on an extremely clumsy attempt to drag the op back to some sort of normality that he recognizes from a person who looked happier when she looked different.

I definately see your point here, but it still doesnt excuse what he did

Splendour

Hi OP,

my deepest deepest sympathies to you and your boyfriend. I lost a full term baby so I know exactly how you are feeling. You poor girl, to lose a child is the most heart wrenching experience you will ever have to endure. I too recommend you contact isands as they are absolutely amazing. Going to the support meetings can really help you as an individual and your boyfriend if he's willing to go.

When I first read your post, I was filled with disgust and horror and tbh my first thought of your boyfriend was what an ass***e but I also know that grief can take on many forms and it can bring out the best and worst in people. TBH, I'm more disgusted at your boyfriends mother than at him! I know if it were my brother my mother would be telling him to hightailing it back to his girlfriend and not allow him to hide out in her house! (Bloomin' Irish Mammies :rolleyes:)

As we know men and women deal with things very differently. If anything is going on in a woman's life it's on her mind 24/7. Guys however can compartmentalise things thus it is easier for them to deal with.They are not as emotional as women and also, he didn't carry the baby so he will never understand how you feel. By his wanting you to lose weight he thinks he can 'forget' what happened , and he possibly thinks that if you 'look' different, you'll feel different. Your extra weight to him is a reminder of your lost baby so if that's gone, life will go back to normal.

Another thing I will say is that is there was any negativity going on in your relationship before this will, more than likely ,be exasperated by your loss.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. You're going through hell and it damn well hurts.Talk and cry as much as you need to. Get as much support as you need.

Feel free to pm me.

God bless

LegacyUser

Hi all O.P here

Well just a little update we have been speaking at lenght finally he admitted that he is just angry at the world over us losing Jack and its hard for him looking at me so low and he thought that if i was back to how i was before i had him i would feel better i understand exactly what he wanted to say its was just how he told me he has sincerly appolgised which i do accept that he is sincere but part of me will always think he said it because he just wants a skinny partner not the person i am .... he says he will make amends god knows how ... but we where very happy until this happened i know 3 weeks is not a lot but it was all he could take as bills still have to be paid ...
We have been in touch with ISANDS on an ongoing basis since it happened and they have been amazing but he took the i am man i must be strong route so im going to get him out and about with his friends the weekend and maybe some man time will help as he hasnt been out ... now i know everyone is goiing to say i should go out but honestly i havent the heart too

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to offer advice you have no idea how much it has meant just goes to show when we think we are most alone there are people that care
Thank you x