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BF snapped at me

  • 29-06-2009 09:32AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok I know this is very trivial in comparison to others posts. I'm with my bf 8 months and up until yesterday there had never been a cross word between us.

    It's so stupid but we were having a bbq, just a few friends and family. I noticed that something was a bit undercooked and I simple asked him to keep an eye and make sure the rest were done ok. I tought it was pretty reasonable but he turned to me and said If I didn't like it I could... and then he stopped himself.

    It wasn't even what he said that bothered me so much, he had a look on his face that I could only describe as hatred. I was quite shocked and a bit embarrassed although i'm not sure if anyone else heard. I was speachless, I just turned and went to the bathroom because I was close to tears. Half an hour later he was over putting his arms around me as if nothing had happened, and he did apologise later on in the evening.

    I'm not a sensitive person at all, usually I can give as good as I get but this upset me so much as it came from him. I've never felt angry with him, even when he does something that would usually annoy me. I just don't think it's in me to feel angry with him.

    It really has me doubting how he feels, I'm wondering if I really bug him or something? I'd hate to think that I do.

    I'm probably making a bug deal out of nothing but I'm worried that this is the start of the end?


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Comments

  • #2
    txt_mess
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭txt_mess


    Think your making a bigger deal out of it then it needs to be an agruement over something small shouldn't end a relationship.

    Having said that for you it may have just been a simple request but to him he was probably in the height of it looking after people and cooking and all he saw was you complaining at him when he was trying his best which is enough to make most people snap.

    He's apologised and said it was over the top I'd draw a line and move on it's not worth over thinking.


  • #3
    Front
    Closed Accounts Posts: 53 ✭✭Front


    txt_mess wrote: »
    Think your making a bigger deal out of it then it needs to be an agruement over something small shouldn't end a relationship.

    Having said that for you it may have just been a simple request but to him he was probably in the height of it looking after people and cooking and all he saw was you complaining at him when he was trying his best which is enough to make most people snap.

    He's apologised and said it was over the top I'd draw a line and move on it's not worth over thinking.

    BBQing is a MAN activity. We don't like women questioning us on MAN activities. Honestly this is true.

    I often think when I am cooking on the BBQ and a female mentions something like - make sure that chicken is cooked - my reaction is a) thanks for reminding me - I was full set to serve up raw chicken and b)if you are so worried about serving raw chicken - cook it you r fooking self.

    Don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll snap or have snapped at him many times for trivial things - he probably doesn't even notice.


  • #4
    GigaByte
    Closed Accounts Posts: 515 ✭✭✭GigaByte


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I'm not a sensitive person at all

    and it's still bothering you?!


  • #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,925 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I think he's definitely a woman beater and you should get out now while you can still walk...






    :rolleyes:


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Front wrote: »
    BBQing is a MAN activity. We don't like women questioning us on MAN activities. Honestly this is true.

    I often think when I am cooking on the BBQ and a female mentions something like - make sure that chicken is cooked - my reaction is a) thanks for reminding me - I was full set to serve up raw chicken and b)if you are so worried about serving raw chicken - cook it you r fooking self.

    Don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll snap or have snapped at him many times for trivial things - he probably doesn't even notice.

    Well a) he had served up raw chicken and b) I cooked most of the food. It's not a MAN activity, we're not that old fashioned.

    Ok I probably am making too big a deal out of it, but it's the first time a cross word was said between us and he seemed really angry. He's just normally so affectionate and nice to me. I've no other reason to think there is anything wrong really, I'm probably just hormonal or something.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Rojomcdojo wrote: »
    I think he's definitely a woman beater and you should get out now while you can still walk...






    :rolleyes:

    Nice, trivialise what is a very serious issue. How many people could possibly be reading this forum who are victims of domestic violence? Do you think you are being witty or something?

    I've been on the receiving end of a "woman beaters" violence in the past. My bf is a very caring person who wouldn't dream of hurting anyone.


  • #8
    Lilith Quick Sepia
    Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭ Lilith Quick Sepia


    You sound very, very oversensitive. He snapped at you ONCE in 8 months and you're upset?


  • #9
    Handsome Bob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭Handsome Bob


    Just talk to him about it OP, this sounds like something that can be cleared up in a matter of few words. Maybe something else had pissed him off and he unfortunately took it out on you?


  • #10
    Front
    Closed Accounts Posts: 53 ✭✭Front


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Well a) he had served up raw chicken and b) I cooked most of the food. It's not a MAN activity, we're not that old fashioned.

    Ok I probably am making too big a deal out of it, but it's the first time a cross word was said between us and he seemed really angry. He's just normally so affectionate and nice to me. I've no other reason to think there is anything wrong really, I'm probably just hormonal or something.

    Eh Ok... you do overreact - I was only joking about the MAN activity. I wasn't suggesting it is only for men, more men see it as a macho activity and do not like being publicly rebuked (even if you did it quietly) over it.

    It is true that men don't like being pulled up on things they've done incorrectly - and often get cranky when they are. I'm a bloke, I do it so was only advising from the male perspective.

    On a side note, if you cooked most of the food, maybe you undercooked the chicken....

    I really think you need to relax over this.


  • #11
    jellie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,503 ✭✭✭✭jellie


    this might be a bit blunt, but grow up..

    Everyone has moods. its possible that his snapping was nothing to do with you at all. or its possible you annoyed him moaning. either way hes human.


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  • #12
    Vegeta
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,392 ✭✭✭✭Vegeta


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    Oh come on, that's the point - it was totally out of character and it wasnt just a snappy comment - it was the fact he looked full of anger and hatred!

    Yeah because most people smile and blow kisses when they snap at others.
    It really has me doubting how he feels, I'm wondering if I really bug him or something? I'd hate to think that I do.

    OP, frankly this comment worries me, he does something slightly out of line and you worry if you are the problem? That's not really a positive thing.

    Now there are plenty of things that could have happened. He could have been mortified at serving under cooked meat and then you stating it may have really embarrassed him into an angry reaction.

    Still no matter what the justification, he snapped at you, he lost his temper and unless you were being purposefully insulting then it is not your fault and he is to blame.

    He has apologised, did he give a reason?


  • #13
    reprazant
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,416 ✭✭✭reprazant


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    Well excuuuuuuuuse me, but when most people snap they don't usually have a look of hatred and bring other people to tears. Cranky and annoyed, yes, but hatred - cant say that's something I've come across.

    Maybe, just maybe, it was no actually hatred but just anger and the OP is making way too much out of this?

    He snapped and caught himself. No big deal.


  • #14
    Das Kitty
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    OP, I've been given and have given that look.

    It's nothing like hated, it's anger.

    Not excusing it but it by no means indicates that anything is changing in his feelings for you. To the contrary, he made a point of coming to you to apologise for it. He seems open and honest.

    You can't expect to sail through a relationship without any harsh words ever, that would be a ridiculous expectation.

    Chances are you're going to go through periods of falling out with each other, but learning to come through and avoid these is what strengthens a relationship, not what damages it.


  • #15
    Johnnnybravo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭Johnnnybravo


    Id say most likely, he was mortified about the under cooked meat and you pointing it out to him.

    But it was reasonable enough for you to just say to him keep an eye on the rest of the meat.

    Unless you constantly nag the guy and critisize everything he does he really had no right to snap at you. He clearly knew he was in the wrong as he apologised, you should ask him why he snapped. Chances are he`l say it was just a combination of heat and embaressment. Men dont particularly like the women folk giving advice on the bbq`s;) Thats man territory in some households.


  • #16
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Maybe you'd been at him about other things throughout the day, and he just got pissed off?

    Everyone's prone to snapping now and then. If you see a future with him, it's probably something you'll have to get used to. You'll no doubt snap at him at some stage too. It's a good sign that he apologised to you too.


  • #17
    b3t4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,325 ✭✭✭b3t4


    He snapped at you and he apologised. That's exactly the right formula there.

    He will snap at you again.
    You will even snap at him.
    We're all human after all.

    As long as it's not a regular occurrence and you both apologise for your behaviour then it's ok.

    I think it shows that your relationship is growing and should be seen in a positive light rather than a negative.


  • #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Ok I know this is very trivial in comparison to others posts. I'm with my bf 8 months and up until yesterday there had never been a cross word between us.

    It's so stupid but we were having a bbq, just a few friends and family. I noticed that something was a bit undercooked and I simple asked him to keep an eye and make sure the rest were done ok. I tought it was pretty reasonable but he turned to me and said If I didn't like it I could... and then he stopped himself.

    It wasn't even what he said that bothered me so much, he had a look on his face that I could only describe as hatred. I was quite shocked and a bit embarrassed although i'm not sure if anyone else heard. I was speachless, I just turned and went to the bathroom because I was close to tears. Half an hour later he was over putting his arms around me as if nothing had happened, and he did apologise later on in the evening.

    I'm not a sensitive person at all, usually I can give as good as I get but this upset me so much as it came from him. I've never felt angry with him, even when he does something that would usually annoy me. I just don't think it's in me to feel angry with him.

    It really has me doubting how he feels, I'm wondering if I really bug him or something? I'd hate to think that I do.

    I'm probably making a bug deal out of nothing but I'm worried that this is the start of the end?

    You mentioned that you've been on the receiving end of violence in another relationship. I'd say the reason you're so shocked by your boyfriend's reaction is that it reminds you of situations you've been in before and you got a fright?
    After eight months, however, you should have a pretty clear picture of what your boyfriend's like. Take what happened at face value-he was probably under a bit of pressure, so he snapped. I'd be more worried if he never snapped to be honest!


  • #19
    wexford202
    Closed Accounts Posts: 350 ✭✭wexford202


    For the love of god grow up.

    He was probably pissed off that he had to do the cooking and then taking orders from you when you were sitting on your arse doing nothing was hardly going to help.

    Why didn't you stand up and offer to give him a hand instead of commenting. I would snap at you too.


  • #20
    Dardania
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,397 ✭✭✭Dardania


    LZ5by5 wrote: »
    Just talk to him about it OP, this sounds like something that can be cleared up in a matter of few words. Maybe something else had pissed him off and he unfortunately took it out on you?

    + 10. Approach it in an open, non-blame associated way (say something like "hey, what was up with you earlier - did I touch a nerve or something") and if he feels comfortable enoiugh, you'll very rrapidly find out the root cause. Maybe you were bugging him, maybe he was peeved at something else earlier, maybe he was overwhelmed and you broke his concentration, or most likely a coimbination of factors. No matter what the reason, you guys will have a greater awareness of each other afterwards...


  • #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    wexford202 wrote: »
    For the love of god grow up.

    He was probably pissed off that he had to do the cooking and then taking orders from you when you were sitting on your arse doing nothing was hardly going to help.

    Why didn't you stand up and offer to give him a hand instead of commenting. I would snap at you too.

    He didn't, I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning, he took over for half an hour to give me a break. At what point did I say I was sitting on my arse doing nothing??? oh thats right, i didn't.


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  • #22
    Amazotheamazing
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,048 ✭✭✭Amazotheamazing


    Did you belittle him in front of his mates? If he felt you were talking down to him in front of his mates I understand his reaction.


  • #23
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    Unregistered wrote: »
    He didn't, I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning.
    Were you bitching about this?
    he took over for half an hour to give me a break.
    Was he in the middle of something? Or did he offer to take over? Were you complaining about having to do all the cooking & cleaning? Who orginised the bbq? Were they your friends? or his?

    ...if you want to know why he snapped, he snapped because you were pissing him off.

    He apologised for snapping. Fair dues to him. It's up to you now to forgive him.

    You are making a mountain out of the mole hill you created.


  • #24
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    If a man cant take 'can you make sure it's cooked' without flying into a rage or losing his head, then God help us all. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
    Before you go crazy with the rollyeyes - consider this: it's all about context and tone.

    I could ask you how old you are, but depending on the context I could be implying that you are immature, or asking an innocent question. I'll assume I don't need to explain tone.
    (see what I did there with context ;))


  • #25
    reprazant
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,416 ✭✭✭reprazant


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    a man cant take 'can you make sure it's cooked' without flying into a rage or losing his head, then God help us all. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

    While the reaction of alot of the lads in relation to his outburst is a bit silly, running off to the toilet to cry due to half of a sharp retort is just as bad in my opinion.

    Personally, I cannot believe that the OP and her partner have gone 8 months without any sort of disagreement at all. I just find that a bit odd really.


  • #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Zulu wrote: »
    Were you bitching about this?
    Was he in the middle of something? Or did he offer to take over? Were you complaining about having to do all the cooking & cleaning? Who orginised the bbq? Were they your friends? or his?

    ...if you want to know why he snapped, he snapped because you were pissing him off.

    He apologised for snapping. Fair dues to him. It's up to you now to forgive him.

    You are making a mountain out of the mole hill you created.

    God what is with the mad assumptions.

    No I wasn't bitching about it. His idea, we both organised it. Both our friends were there some of my friends arrived, he told me to go say hello and get them sorted with drinks and offered to take over for a bit.

    When I asked him to keep an eye on the chicken I put my arms around him and whispered into his ear(so that everyone wouldn't hear) "can you keep an eye on the chicken dearest, some of that batch were't done"

    I didn't do anything to piss him off.

    Seriously from the replies I am gettin it really does sound like a molehill, he certainly doesn't have the caveman attitude of half the posters here and I'd imagine I'm lucky I didn't end up with someone like ye!!


  • #27
    Amazotheamazing
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,048 ✭✭✭Amazotheamazing


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    Are you for real??? She asked him to make sure the chicken was cooked. Ifthe OP screamed out to bf 'You imbecile, what are you trying to do? kill us all by giving us salmonella, can you not do anything right!!!' - then fair enough but she didnt. She didnt belittle him, she asked a simple question!

    If a man cant take 'can you make sure it's cooked' without flying into a rage or losing his head, then God help us all. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

    It would depend on the context of how she said it, imo. Sometimes a simple "make sure it's well cooked" can sound suspiciously like nagging or belittling. I personally would never criticise my partner in front of friends, or be happy to be criticised in front of friends. The OP may not have meant to be critical, but that doesn't mean that not how she came across.


  • #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    reprazant wrote: »
    While the reaction of alot of the lads in relation to his outburst is a bit silly, running off to the toilet to cry due to half of a sharp retort is just as bad in my opinion.

    Personally, I cannot believe that the OP and her partner have gone 8 months without any sort of disagreement at all. I just find that a bit odd really.

    I didn't run. I walked calmly to the toilet so as not to let anyone see that I was upset? What's the issue here.

    Maybe the fact that you find that odd says more about you than it does about me!


  • #29
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    The fact the OP was totally shocked by his reaction makes it clear to me (at least) that his response was unwarranted.
    Thats not really the point though is it.
    He reacted.
    He apologiesd.
    She took issue.
    She's concerned. (over, lets face it, nothing.)
    I'll presume you were asking an innocent question - and I'm ....
    Don't; I don't care how old you are. The point I was making was, she could well have been more than instramental in the reaction she got.


  • #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you Sunflower27

    We've never argued and we have different opinions on lots of things. We always come to a compromise or just respect each others opinions.

    I wouldn't have posted if I thought that he's reaction was warranted. It's very out of character which is probably why I've read into it so much.


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  • #31
    humanji
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,976 ✭✭✭✭humanji


    OP, judging this on what you said in the first post, and you reactions to other things peopel have posted on this thread, you're too sensitive. Your boyfriend snapped and later apologised. You might consider talking to him about it. It might of been nothing. You may have taken the whole thing too badly. He might hate you. He might of had something on his mind. No one here can tell you why he snapped, so you should go talk to him.


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