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Viz

Lockstep · 2009-06-14 22:16:51

Anyone else a Viz fan? I'm very taken with this month's offering from it's pisstake of the MP's expenses scandal to it's The Hunchback of Notre Dame's got talent

14-06-2009 11:16PM

#1

Lockstep

Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,026 ✭✭✭

Join Date: August 2007

Posts: 8550

Anyone else a Viz fan?

I'm very taken with this month's offering from it's pisstake of the MP's expenses scandal to it's The Hunchback of Notre Dame's got talent

2

Comments

#2 14-06-2009 11:18PM

MoominPapa

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Worst embedding ever

0
#3 14-06-2009 11:22PM

That_Guy

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Posts: 51016

How can I be a Viz fan if I can't access the links?

And what the hell is Viz??

v This perhaps

0
#4 14-06-2009 11:23PM

My name is URL

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I don't get it, why is the pig calling his wife a slut?

0
#5 14-06-2009 11:27PM

tony1kenobi

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I thought this publication disappeared around the time Paul Gascoignes' career changed from "fat footballer" to "wife beater".

0
#6 14-06-2009 11:37PM

WindSock

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Yes. Letterbocks & Top Tips are my fave.

0
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#7 14-06-2009 11:38PM

Capt'n Midnight

Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,816 Mod ✭✭✭✭

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http://www.viz.co.uk/

http://www.viz.co.uk/toptips.html ftw

RECENTLY defunct and apparently worthless European coins still work as legal tender for buskers, beggars, the honesty box in WHSmith and old ladies collecting for charities. Especially the RNIB.
Jamie Groves, e-mail

USERS OF premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner.
Rabbi Tableknife, Middlesbrough

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
Gaz, e-mail

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#8 14-06-2009 11:41PM

Dennis the Stone

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Posts: 2288

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

1
2
3
4
5

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#9 14-06-2009 11:47PM

Harpie

Closed Accounts Posts: 277 ✭✭

Join Date: May 2008

Posts: 248

The tips are quality, if I wasn't already banned from PI this beauty would be thrown out there:

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

Anyone else want to do the honours?

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#10 14-06-2009 11:49PM

Lockstep

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Another Top Tip gem;

In these recessionary times, find a neighbour who leaves the bath on too long and then stand underneat the overflow pipe so you can enjoy a piping hot shower.

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#11 14-06-2009 11:50PM

ejmaztec

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BigMentalDisease wrote: »

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

1
2
3
4
5

Good tips for communion and confirmation gifts, and possibly baptism as well.:eek:

0
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#12 14-06-2009 11:53PM

Dennis the Stone

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AVOID chip pan fires by suspending a plastic bag full of water over the pan each time you cook. If a fire occurs, the bag will melt and the water will extinguish the flames.
Kieron Douglas, Glasgow
.
.
.
.

I HAVE been informed by the fire brigade that a safer way to extinguish chip pan fires is to suspend a damp tea towel in a plastic bag above the pan
Kieron Douglas, Burns Unit, Glasgow Royal Infirmary

0
#13 15-06-2009 12:01AM

Fringe

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Viz in my pants?

0
#14 15-06-2009 12:30AM

Jet Black

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FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are *****' written on it.

BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.

PHOTOGRAPHERS. Confuse Boots employees by taking pictures of your negatives and developing positive negatives.

0
#15 15-06-2009 02:00PM

WindSock

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I BECOME incensed when I see opticians wearing glasses. These people should be sacked at once. What right have they to criticise other people's eyesight when they cannot see properly themselves?
Arthur Ritick-Joints, Stairlift-on-sea

Tips:

MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.

RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

0
#16 15-06-2009 02:04PM

Wertz

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Fat Slags and The Thieving Gypsy Bastards ftw

Haven't seen Viz on the shelves in years.

0
#17 15-06-2009 02:05PM

Blisterman

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"EARN BIG money by displaying a “How's My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can aquire through BT. Then simply drive around town like a complete arsehole."

0
#18 15-06-2009 02:08PM

Dennis the Stone

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CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

SHOPPERS. When buying grapes, take one (single) grape to the till. When it is weighed, it won't register on the low-tech unsensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

VOYEURS. Sit on your c.ock and your hand until they are both numb. Hey presto, it looks and feels like someone else w.anking someone else off.

0
#19 15-06-2009 02:22PM

Dennis the Stone

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U2

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#20 15-06-2009 02:25PM

00112984

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Posts: 1498

I love Viz and usually pick it up for my husband when I'm in Eason's but hate the way they keep it on the top shelf next to FHM and Enrazzlement etc.

Loved the "Right Wing Cute Ickle Puppy" this month.

0
#21 15-06-2009 02:30PM

CreepingDeath

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Posts: 7913

More Top Tips

Fun-sized mars bars make ideal normal-sized mars bars for midgets.

King-sized mars bars make ideal normal-sized mars bars for giants.

Normal-sized mars bars make ideal king-sized mars bars for midgets.

etc....

Letters to the editor

I was waiting for my train to work yesterday morning when the announcer said "Train arriving on platform 2".
Imagine my surprise when I jumped to the safety of the tracks.

0
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#22 15-06-2009 02:44PM

Blisterman

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STUDENTS. When asked to write a 3000 word essay, simply draw 3 pictures, as they are worth 1000 words each.

SAVE MONEY on milk by not reporting your neighbour's death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.

RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying 'I'm not a racist, but…' before saying something racist.

DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.

A USED CONDOM filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp.

DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

MARS BAR fans. Buy a Snickers bar and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a Mars bar and a handful of peanuts, all for the price of a Snickers.

DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.

MCDONALDS. Double the amount of money your customers donate to children's charities by reducing the cost of your breakfast from £1.99 to £1.98.

BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

PARENTS. Baffle everyone your baby daughter will ever meet by calling her 'Shivorn' but insist it is pronounced 'Sea O'Ban'.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and **** off.

BBC SPORT newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod.

0
#23 15-06-2009 02:46PM

Dennis the Stone

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vagrant recruitment

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#24 15-06-2009 03:07PM

Captain Darling

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Who was the guy years ago that had a moped that ran on cheetahs fanny batter? I think he changed it to run on monkey spunk then...

Cant fuppin remember....

0
#25 15-06-2009 03:23PM

stovelid

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If anybody could find me a scan of Paul Daniels's Jet-Ski Journey to the Centre of Elvis, I'd be their forever-friend. Forever.

0
#26 15-06-2009 03:45PM

Jesus Juice

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Posts: 2068

BigMentalDisease wrote: »

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

1
2
3
4
5

Excellent!!!I always assumed Viz was **** with out reading but thats great!!

0
#27 15-06-2009 04:06PM

Robbo

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I really want the Life of Christ in Cats plate.

Recently, I've been loving the series of Elton John's petty scams and I always keep my copy of the Profanisaurus (Magna Farta Edition) by the chodbin.

0
#28 15-06-2009 04:16PM

WindSock

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I love the plates. I really wish I got my hands on the 'Mum, I'm moving to New Zealand' commemorative plate. It featured in an issue in Jan 2005, just right before I moved to NZ.

Can they be bought or are they just for lolz?

0
#29 15-06-2009 05:12PM

Dennis the Stone

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WindSock wrote: »

I love the plates. I really wish I got my hands on the 'Mum, I'm moving to New Zealand' commemorative plate. It featured in an issue in Jan 2005, just right before I moved to NZ.

Can they be bought or are they just for lolz?

I wonder if they would throw one together if you sent them money? Probably not though :pac:

0
#30 15-06-2009 05:55PM

[Deleted User]
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Wertz wrote: »

Fat Slags and The Thieving Gypsy Bastards ftw

Haven't seen Viz on the shelves in years.

You can get it in Eason's on o'connell street if you're quick. Failing that, there's a newstand on the opposite side of the street (outside PTSB) that sells it.

Also, Drunken Bakers ftw.

0
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#31 15-06-2009 06:09PM

Quint

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Keep losing your keys? Get a keyring that you can write your name and address on so when someone finds them they know where they can return them to. If you have room, write down the hours you'll be out so they don't waste time calling when no one's there.

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