Viz

Lockstep

Anyone else a Viz fan?

I'm very taken with this month's offering from it's pisstake of the MP's expenses scandal to it's The Hunchback of Notre Dame's got talent

MoominPapa

Worst embedding ever

That_Guy

How can I be a Viz fan if I can't access the links?

And what the hell is Viz??

v This perhaps

My name is URL

I don't get it, why is the pig calling his wife a slut?

tony1kenobi

I thought this publication disappeared around the time Paul Gascoignes' career changed from "fat footballer" to "wife beater".

WindSock

Yes. Letterbocks & Top Tips are my fave.

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.viz.co.uk/

http://www.viz.co.uk/toptips.html ftw

RECENTLY defunct and apparently worthless European coins still work as legal tender for buskers, beggars, the honesty box in WHSmith and old ladies collecting for charities. Especially the RNIB.
Jamie Groves, e-mail


USERS OF premium rate sex lines. Save hundreds of pounds by phoning the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk to you in a sexually explicit manner.
Rabbi Tableknife, Middlesbrough



AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
Gaz, e-mail

Dennis the Stone

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

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5

Harpie

The tips are quality, if I wasn't already banned from PI this beauty would be thrown out there:

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


Anyone else want to do the honours?

Lockstep

Another Top Tip gem;

In these recessionary times, find a neighbour who leaves the bath on too long and then stand underneat the overflow pipe so you can enjoy a piping hot shower.

ejmaztec

BigMentalDisease wrote: »

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

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2
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5

Good tips for communion and confirmation gifts, and possibly baptism as well.:eek:

Dennis the Stone

AVOID chip pan fires by suspending a plastic bag full of water over the pan each time you cook. If a fire occurs, the bag will melt and the water will extinguish the flames.
Kieron Douglas, Glasgow
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I HAVE been informed by the fire brigade that a safer way to extinguish chip pan fires is to suspend a damp tea towel in a plastic bag above the pan
Kieron Douglas, Burns Unit, Glasgow Royal Infirmary

Fringe

Viz in my pants?

Jet Black

FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are *****' written on it.


BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.

PHOTOGRAPHERS. Confuse Boots employees by taking pictures of your negatives and developing positive negatives.

WindSock

I BECOME incensed when I see opticians wearing glasses. These people should be sacked at once. What right have they to criticise other people's eyesight when they cannot see properly themselves?
Arthur Ritick-Joints, Stairlift-on-sea


Tips:

MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.



RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

Wertz

Fat Slags and The Thieving Gypsy Bastards ftw

Haven't seen Viz on the shelves in years.

Blisterman

"EARN BIG money by displaying a “How's My Driving?” sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can aquire through BT. Then simply drive around town like a complete arsehole."

Dennis the Stone

CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.


SHOPPERS. When buying grapes, take one (single) grape to the till. When it is weighed, it won't register on the low-tech unsensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

VOYEURS. Sit on your c.ock and your hand until they are both numb. Hey presto, it looks and feels like someone else w.anking someone else off.

Dennis the Stone

U2

00112984

I love Viz and usually pick it up for my husband when I'm in Eason's but hate the way they keep it on the top shelf next to FHM and Enrazzlement etc.

Loved the "Right Wing Cute Ickle Puppy" this month.

CreepingDeath

More Top Tips

Fun-sized mars bars make ideal normal-sized mars bars for midgets.

King-sized mars bars make ideal normal-sized mars bars for giants.

Normal-sized mars bars make ideal king-sized mars bars for midgets.

etc....



Letters to the editor

I was waiting for my train to work yesterday morning when the announcer said "Train arriving on platform 2".
Imagine my surprise when I jumped to the safety of the tracks.

Blisterman

STUDENTS. When asked to write a 3000 word essay, simply draw 3 pictures, as they are worth 1000 words each.

SAVE MONEY on milk by not reporting your neighbour's death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.

RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying 'I'm not a racist, but…' before saying something racist.

DAYTIME TV viewers. Want to win those phone-in prizes? Follow this easy guide to answering multiple choice questions: (a) is the answer, (b) rhymes with the answer and (c) is in no way the answer.

A USED CONDOM filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp.

DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

MARS BAR fans. Buy a Snickers bar and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a Mars bar and a handful of peanuts, all for the price of a Snickers.

DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.

MCDONALDS. Double the amount of money your customers donate to children's charities by reducing the cost of your breakfast from £1.99 to £1.98.

BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

PARENTS. Baffle everyone your baby daughter will ever meet by calling her 'Shivorn' but insist it is pronounced 'Sea O'Ban'.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and **** off.

BBC SPORT newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod.

Dennis the Stone

vagrant recruitment

Captain Darling

Who was the guy years ago that had a moped that ran on cheetahs fanny batter? I think he changed it to run on monkey spunk then...

Cant fuppin remember....

stovelid

If anybody could find me a scan of Paul Daniels's Jet-Ski Journey to the Centre of Elvis, I'd be their forever-friend. Forever.

Jesus Juice

BigMentalDisease wrote: »

I'm a big Viz fan, this month has Gordon Ramsay's Pigeon nightmares. Here's a few bits:

1
2
3
4
5

Excellent!!!I always assumed Viz was **** with out reading but thats great!!

Robbo

I really want the Life of Christ in Cats plate.

Recently, I've been loving the series of Elton John's petty scams and I always keep my copy of the Profanisaurus (Magna Farta Edition) by the chodbin.

WindSock

I love the plates. I really wish I got my hands on the 'Mum, I'm moving to New Zealand' commemorative plate. It featured in an issue in Jan 2005, just right before I moved to NZ.

Can they be bought or are they just for lolz?

Dennis the Stone

WindSock wrote: »

I love the plates. I really wish I got my hands on the 'Mum, I'm moving to New Zealand' commemorative plate. It featured in an issue in Jan 2005, just right before I moved to NZ.

Can they be bought or are they just for lolz?

I wonder if they would throw one together if you sent them money? Probably not though :pac:

Wertz

Wertz wrote: »

Fat Slags and The Thieving Gypsy Bastards ftw

Haven't seen Viz on the shelves in years.

You can get it in Eason's on o'connell street if you're quick. Failing that, there's a newstand on the opposite side of the street (outside PTSB) that sells it.

Also, Drunken Bakers ftw.

Quint

Keep losing your keys? Get a keyring that you can write your name and address on so when someone finds them they know where they can return them to. If you have room, write down the hours you'll be out so they don't waste time calling when no one's there.

Dennis the Stone

stovelid wrote: »

If anybody could find me a scan of Paul Daniels's Jet-Ski Journey to the Centre of Elvis, I'd be their forever-friend. Forever.

EdgarAllenPoo

SERIAL KILLERS. Make ammends to the families of your murder victims by sending them a jar of Quality Street.

stovelid

BigMentalDisease wrote: »

Forever friends it is so*


*No tongues.

Lockstep

Elton John's scams are excellent; going to a load of trouble to lift 100quid and always being beaten by some other aging music star.

admiralofthefleet

viz is fantastic, i read it every month. profanosaurus, 8ace and drunken bakers are my favourites

stovelid

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

8ace

:D

jayteecork

Anyone have a link to someone's blog or other than scans in the comics every month?

ta.

Quint

Another top tip:
Why waste money on expensive binoculars? Simply stand closer to the object you wish to observe.
Save money on sex-lines by phoning up the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty.

CreepingDeath

There was a once-off story in the Viz, must be 15+ years ago called "The Great Escape kids" which made be crack up uncontrollably in the Dart on the way home.

These kids weren't allowed out to play, so they tried tunnelling through their bedroom floor but crashed through the ceiling. They dressed in french clothes and tried escaping out the front door, only to be tripped up when the mother said "Good luck son".
At the end of the cartoon, the father comes home and says they're all going for a picnic, so off they go for a drive.

The father stops the car and tells the kids to get out to stretch their legs... then the mother machine-guns them in a field !

I've searched the net for even an episode number in vain, it was the funniest cartoon I've ever read.

admiralofthefleet

from road rage:

'to the driver who's little kid thought it would be funny to give me the v's, both your wing mirrors can be found in the canal opposite your house'

Wibbs

it has to be Raffles the gentlemen thug for me with sid the sexist and knobbys piles a close second. Oh god side splitting.:)

Dennis the Stone

This last one I'm gonna put up: Genius! So hilarious...

Chadwell O'Cheese and his Cormorants of Futility

ArmaniJeanss

Drunken Bakers my current number 1.

And back in the old days I loved Ravey Davey Gravey going into a dance trance whenever an ambulance drove past or he was in the vicinity of a building site.

http://www.vizartwork.co.uk/ravey-davey-gravy-cover-issue-76-228-p.asp

lol at Sid, Grant and Aldridge Prior (compulsive liar) in the background