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I dont love him anymore

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  • 31-05-2009 1:17pm
    #1
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭


    Ive been with my boyfriend for two years, we were talking about getting married and everything.

    He's from a different country to me and he left Ireland 4 months ago to go back to his country. I joined him there last week.

    I've realised-I just don't love him anymore. I can feel totally alone when Im with him.I feel our different senses of humour are excarcerbated now I'm in his home country.I dont fancy him - I actually cringe when he comes near me now.

    I want to break up with him and go home.But Im so panicky about it.I'm thinking I'LL BE SINGLE. I thought I was going to marry him for a while. I'm thinking I'm getting old (25) will I meet anyone again or will all the men be gone at home.I'm thinking how will I start again.But I know I dont love him and its the right thing to do.

    Did you think all these these things when you broke up out of a serious relationship? And how did you deal with breaking up? Looking for any advice and people who survived such a situation! Feel so scared and alone.


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    #2
    Dave147
    Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭Dave147


    You're 25 and worried about being single? I'd be more worried about breaking someones heart. I'm moving away with my OH next year and I can't wait. Do him a favour and finish it, go home and let him get on with his life.


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    #3
    Melange
    Registered Users Posts: 287 ✭✭Melange


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    I'm thinking I'm getting old (25) will I meet anyone again or will all the men be gone at home.I'm thinking how will I start again.

    25 really isn't old, believe me! You have nothing to worry about on that front, IMHO.


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    #4
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    Dave147 wrote: »
    You're 25 and worried about being single? I'd be more worried about breaking someones heart. I'm moving away with my OH next year and I can't wait. Do him a favour and finish it, go home and let him get on with his life.

    I've already broached the subject with him yesterday and he went angry and mental and said we have to try work things out. He can get very angry.

    Just feel so far from home and alone. Ive no one to turn to here either you see.


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    #5
    CoachBoone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 333 ✭✭CoachBoone


    Tell him. Be honest.

    Go home. Go to your friends/family.

    Be single.

    Enjoy being single.

    25 is old? Since when? Sure 40 is not even old these days.

    Seems like your greatest fears are being left on the shelf as opposed to actually being single though. I don't think thats the best way to look at it tbh. You are definitely not old, and all the men at home won't be gone and I think its this irrational thought that has you in the panicky state.

    Obviously emotions are gonna be running high, but try and relax, think about it clearly and Im sure you will see that:

    a) It needs to end

    b)You are not happy

    c)You arent getting old. I can't stress this enough.


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    #6
    monellia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭monellia


    First and foremost, you need to get to grips with your fear of being single. It’s holding you back from realising what you truly want. Ask yourself - what would you do if you did not have such a fear? Being single is not something to be ashamed of. I have known attractive, intelligent people of your age who have never even had a serious relationship. You are definitely not going to be odd. Do you have any single friends you can talk to about this? Take inspiration from them. It’s importance that you don’t feel alone.

    A change of lifestyle can seem scary, but you should look at it as an opportunity to try new things and to build character. You do not need a boyfriend or a husband to validate yourself. From the sounds of it, you have become accustomed to depending on this guy, and now’s the time to gain back some of that independence. Your fear of being single is most likely rooted in self-esteem issues. You do not need a boyfriend or a husband to validate yourself. You must learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. This is far more important than finding a husband.

    Now look at things realistically. What are the consequences of staying with this guy who you don‘t even fancy? A future of being miserable? Weigh the pros and cons here. Consider his feelings too. How would you like it if someone was staying with you even though they didn’t love you and cringe when you came near them? I think it’s obvious what you need to do. You don’t want to be looking back in ten years time and wishing you acted differently. Carpe diem.


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    #7
    Noelleieos
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭Noelleieos


    25?? you are still but a child. I'm 20, you're saying in 5 years I'll be old? haha I think not. Just be honest with the guy, similar situation happened to me, I couldn't stand the guy I was going out with, but I couldn't break up with him. In the long run, things just got a whole lot worse. We don't speak anymore. Even looking at him makes me want to vomit. Do yourself a favour, end it as soon as possible, things will not improve. Also being single can be fun. Meeting new people and starting new relationships is always fun. Maybe time to yourself will give you a chance to figure out who and what you want in life. Good luck with everything, hope it all works out for you:D


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    #8
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    i'm 25 in 4 months, who the flip are you calling old?!?! :eek::mad::p:D

    seriously, i don't understand all this 'arg i need to settle down before late 20's' some women get, its just beyond me. if you are not happy with him, finish with him, what makes you think you'll be unhappy single? yeah it'll be weird at first, but a couple of months of tears and loneliness is far better than a lifetime married to someone you still feel lonely with....


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    #9
    Noelleieos
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭Noelleieos


    Seraphina wrote: »
    what makes you think you'll be unhappy single? yeah it'll be weird at first, but a couple of months of tears and loneliness is far better than a lifetime married to someone you still feel lonely with....

    Very true, single and lonely is better than married, miserable and lonely. Also someone better will always come along. Fact.


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    #10
    Ruby Soho
    Closed Accounts Posts: 259 ✭✭Ruby Soho


    I was 25 when I came out of a long-term relationship last year. Sure it was very tough initially to make the adjustment from being 'someones other half' back to being my own person again, but I've been single for over a year now and I love it! I can go out on dates with whoever I want, stay in if I want, have girly trips to the cinema, hang out with whoever I want, including my many married or engaged friends. It's fine, you do need to make a few changes, and push yourself out there a bit more but that's all part of the fun I reckon. I'm sure I'll settle down eventually but for now I'm just enjoying being me, and I certainly do not feel 'old'.
    Just go for it OP, if you're not happy, then it's not fair on either of you.


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    #11
    gstar
    Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭gstar


    im 28 and defo dont feel old. i just came out of a 10 year relationship and trust me, my life has been better since i've bee single than i could have ever imagined or hoped for. It was terribly difficult at the start but thats only because i was afraid of a different life, being out of a comfort zone i was in for that long, In hidnsight it wasnt good for me and i see that now, If you are feeling this way, you are feeling it for a reason, and follow your instinct. you should just cut your ties before its too late, be fair to each other. The old cliché is very true, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and if your stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere emotionally you will regret not doing it sooner, best of luck with your decision. I assume you are living with this guy now and it was a big decision to make to go and be with him. im sure your friends and family at home wouldnt hold it against you for coming home if you are unhappy, in fact i would say they would be proud that you had the courage to make such a decision. From my experience, life is what you make it and if you dont like somethin in your life, then you are the only one with the power to change it, no one can do it for you. Also as an aside thing you mentioned that he can get very angry which is not a good thing to have to put up with, i can understand he would get upset, but anger is not good for a healthy relationship. best of luck OP :)


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    #12
    Salome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭Salome


    What's worse than being single? It's being stuck in a relationship that you don't want, in a country where you have no friends, with a man that you can't bear to touch you.

    Come home. You're 25. You've got loads of time. I'm 37 and didn't meet the man I wanted to live with for the rest of my life until I was 35. Don't make a mistake now because you think you've got no options.

    Come home and start again. That's not scary. Being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy is scarier.


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    #13
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    Ive been with my boyfriend for two years, we were talking about getting married and everything.

    He's from a different country to me and he left Ireland 4 months ago to go back to his country. I joined him there last week.

    I've realised-I just don't love him anymore. I can feel totally alone when Im with him.I feel our different senses of humour are excarcerbated now I'm in his home country.I dont fancy him - I actually cringe when he comes near me now.

    I want to break up with him and go home.But Im so panicky about it.I'm thinking I'LL BE SINGLE. I thought I was going to marry him for a while. I'm thinking I'm getting old (25) will I meet anyone again or will all the men be gone at home.I'm thinking how will I start again.But I know I dont love him and its the right thing to do.

    Did you think all these these things when you broke up out of a serious relationship? And how did you deal with breaking up? Looking for any advice and people who survived such a situation! Feel so scared and alone.

    I was in a relationship for 8years, and there was a child involved , I was extremely unhappy and I felt there was more out there for me, but I was also very scared of the unknown, being single with a child. I put up with it for about two years, thinking it might get better and then all things came to ahead (out of my control) and we split up, I was 23. Yes I was scared and yes I didnt really want to be single, but I was alot happier in myself. I got to know 'me', and learnt what I liked and disliked, and what I wanted out of a relationship. 4/5 years later after kissing a few frogs, and living the single life as such, I met the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and am very happy. So op you need to get out of this relationship, and come home and meet up with your friends and have some fun..think about it, do you want to feel the same way you feel now in a years time??


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    #14
    minidazzler
    Registered Users Posts: 14,739 ✭✭✭✭minidazzler


    They say "Absense makes the heart grow fonder". I say Bullsh1t, the mind makes everything seem better in retrospect.

    Simple as, you fell out of love with him, you know the right thing to do, even if it is sore for the two of ye.


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    #15
    GirlInterrupted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,440 ✭✭✭GirlInterrupted


    OP, fear of being single is possibly the worst reason to stay in a relationship. I'm 27 and single, and while I'd rather I wasn't, it certainly doesn't worry me age-wise.

    If you fear his anger, which it seems you do, and you're absolutely certain that you don't want to/can't work things out, then have your travel plans made to get home before you tell him, so that you don't have the stress of trying to arrange your return under the pressure of his possible anger.

    Be really sure its what you want though, its a horrible feeling if you let go of something without trying hard enough to save it, only to change your mind later.


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    #16
    Gyalist
    Registered Users Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Gyalist


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    I've already broached the subject with him yesterday and he went angry and mental and said we have to try work things out. He can get very angry.

    Just feel so far from home and alone. Ive no one to turn to here either you see.

    If you are afraid of his reaction, I'd advise you to come home and then break up with him from the safety of home. It won't be the ideal way to end it but at least you would be safer on home turf.


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    #17
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    Dave147 wrote: »
    You're 25 and worried about being single? I'd be more worried about breaking someones heart. I'm moving away with my OH next year and I can't wait. Do him a favour and finish it, go home and let him get on with his life.

    Dave it's very easy to say you'd be moreworried about breaking some-one's heart when you are in love with some-one like you are!

    It's a very different story when the love goes and you are unhappy - then you just want to get out.

    Ive made my mind up - I do want to leave him. It's just a very awkward situation - Ive met all his friends and family over here and he's told them we're very serious - one of them told me he has a ring for me - nightmare situation.

    But Im just going to have to bite the bullet and tell them all!

    And as another poster said-its not really a fear of never meeting anyone else,its just a huge change of lifestyle and scary. But im going to do it for him and me.


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    #18
    phic
    Registered Users Posts: 342 ✭✭phic


    This might be a bit late, but you didn't really say how long you've been feeling like this? if its only been since you moved, a week ago, I think you should give it a while before you do anything. every relationship goes through bad patches, and your probably feeling a bit down and alone since the move. By all means talk to him about it, but theres no need to break up straight away. Give yourself some time to settle down before you do anything drastic. this is all from personal experience by the way, was in a very similar situation and I'm so glad now we didn't break up. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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    #19
    dreamlogic
    Closed Accounts Posts: 196 ✭✭dreamlogic


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    But Im just going to have to bite the bullet and tell them all!
    Why do you have to tell them all?
    Can't you simply book your flight back and tell him the night before you leave?


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    #20
    strongbluebell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 189 ✭✭strongbluebell


    Gyalist wrote: »
    If you are afraid of his reaction, I'd advise you to come home and then break up with him from the safety of home. It won't be the ideal way to end it but at least you would be safer on home turf.

    +1 to that. Listen to your gut instincts, if you're not happy now how much worse will it be in 10 years maybe with a few children.
    But stay safe too. Come home first.


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    #21
    Dave147
    Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭Dave147


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    Dave it's very easy to say you'd be moreworried about breaking some-one's heart when you are in love with some-one like you are!

    It's a very different story when the love goes and you are unhappy - then you just want to get out.

    Ive made my mind up - I do want to leave him. It's just a very awkward situation - Ive met all his friends and family over here and he's told them we're very serious - one of them told me he has a ring for me - nightmare situation.

    But Im just going to have to bite the bullet and tell them all!

    And as another poster said-its not really a fear of never meeting anyone else,its just a huge change of lifestyle and scary. But im going to do it for him and me.

    Not quite, my situation was very difficult, it was my first love, we lost our virginity with each other, we had been together 2 and a half years and I knew her whole family, I was known as the son in law, then all of a sudden I couldn't do it anymore. But I did what I had to do, which killed me..

    NOW I have a new love, this is 2 years after I broke up with my ex, I didn't have a single girlfriend in this period of time, I just became a man slut! But I got what I needed out of my system and I'm ready to commit to this relationship, never thought I'd get this lucky so soon, but I have and not going to mess it up.

    Unfortunately it hasn't worked out for you, so you only have one realistic choice, you have to go home. I don't know if you ever *really* loved him, if you can't bear him to touch you now then I'd have my doubts, I still care about my ex, she's a really great girl, and I'm glad she's happy with someone else now. Hope everything works out for you, and for the record I'm 23, and don't feel a bit old - you're only 2 years older and still very young, relax a bit.


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    #22
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    I want to break up with him and go home.But Im so panicky about it.I'm thinking I'LL BE SINGLE. I thought I was going to marry him for a while. I'm thinking I'm getting old (25) will I meet anyone again or will all the men be gone at home.I'm thinking how will I start again.
    Sorry - well no I'm not sorry really - that's pathetically needy and it's majorly caving in to the bull**** women get thrown at them about being "left on the shelf" etc... in fact it's more than caving in to it - women tend not to get that shyte til at least their late 20s nowadays, and you're 25.
    What's particularly bizarre about it is that you claim to be all feminist etc...


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    #23
    bronte
    Registered Users Posts: 11,331 ✭✭✭✭bronte


    If you don't love him, there's nothing that can change that.
    Do yourself and himself a favour and leave.
    You're the same age as myself and you're afraid of being single?
    I thought it was pretty acceptable these days?!
    Don't waste any more time. The sooner you do it, the sooner you both start to heal.


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    #24
    paddyboy23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 94 ✭✭paddyboy23


    sweethart at 25 your whole life is ahead of you and when you meet the right one ule no your heart will jump when your together so my advice is come home and in a while you will look back and see im right, to many people marry for the wrong reason who knows that mr rite could be at the airport goodluck


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    #25
    themadchef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,813 ✭✭✭themadchef


    midlandsmissus wrote: »

    I've realised-I just don't love him anymore. - I actually cringe when he comes near me now.

    I want to break up with him .... I'LL BE SINGLE.

    I'm thinking I'm getting old (25) will I meet anyone again or will all the men be gone at home

    I know I dont love him and its the right thing to do.

    OK, these bits stood out for me.
    you're in a strange country. But it hits you, right smack in the face. I don't love this man, i cringe when he touches me. . . and your biggest worry is will all the men at home be gone :eek:, will i ever get off the shelf at 25 :eek:

    In my very humble opinion, you should heal your broken heart (you have one right?) and then, down the road, consider a relationship with another man.

    You say he can get very angry, and yet you are the one going to tell his family :confused: Why in the name of God do you feel it's your place to tell them? Book your ticket home, tell him, leave.

    Best of luck, i know you must be hurt, but focus on that, not on the next man!


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    #26
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    So your in a relationship that you don't want to be in....
    worried about being single at 25...
    A bit uncomfortable about your hole situation...

    Well then do whats right buy you, you don't have to justify your self to no one....

    Sooner or latter in life every one has to do whats right buy them weather they like it or not...

    granted it may be difficult to stomic at the time, but one day you'le look back smerk and and say to your self what did I ever have to worry about...

    good luck....

    One crispy monkey


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    #27
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    Dudess wrote: »
    Sorry - well no I'm not sorry really - that's pathetically needy and it's majorly caving in to the bull**** women get thrown at them about being "left on the shelf" etc... in fact it's more than caving in to it - women tend not to get that shyte til at least their late 20s nowadays, and you're 25.
    What's particularly bizarre about it is that you claim to be all feminist etc...

    The thing is Dudess, and if you want to fling 'pathetically needy' at me, I'll fling 'overly judgemental' at you.....it's not that I can't survive being on my own, I was single for yrs and extremely happy.

    It's just this was my first really serious relationship and for a long time I thought we were dead set,going to get married,all planned out. That's where the jump to single is scary. Im just so used to having some-one now I cant even remember what its like to be single.

    And if you cant be a feminist (believe in equal rights to men) and also be allowed to get vulnerable and scared over a break up, then I don't want to be one.

    Anyway thanks eveyone else for your advice. The thing with his family is we are living with them so I have to tell them Id be leaving!! Oh god thatll be awful, still Im not going to drag it out amymore hope to get it sorted by the end of this wk.


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    #28
    Ginny
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 13,425 ✭✭✭✭Ginny


    There's a huge difference in feeling vulnerable and scared over an impending break-up then actually putting one off down to the fear of being single.
    For his sake finish it quick and leave, don't string him along, as for his family you don't HAVE to tell them anything, just book your flight and leave, end of, if you have to move out to a hotel or hostel if there's time between the break-up and going home.


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    #29
    Doghouse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 71 ✭✭Doghouse


    I came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago. Like you it was one of those things where you both thought that was it, together forever etc. but things change and you realise that it doesn't have a future. It's not easy but the hardest thing was probably actually bringing up the topic and saying the actual words 'I think we should break up'. Other things have been hard, like moving out of our place and having to move back in with flatmates but you get through it. And the relief of not being trapped in a situation that you know is wrong for you is definitely greater than the sadness and hassle of ending the relationship.

    Oh and 25 is SOOOO not old. I'm a few years older than you and honestly the whole 'being single at X age' thing would've been the most minute of factors in my decision-making process, if at all.


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    #30
    battser
    Registered Users Posts: 711 ✭✭✭battser


    LMFAO at this tho I have to laugh! Afraid of being Single and having the time of your life, At 25!!!!! OMFG! hahahahaha. I know a couple of girls tho who do get hung up about being single and not married before they are 30! WTF is that about hahah! Classic. Love it.

    Break his heart if he gets angry kick him in the balls then go home and enjoy being YOUNG!!!!! Im guessing the OP has destroyed friendships for this man! Just my opinion! sounds like it to me!


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    #31
    Walls
    Registered Users Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Walls


    Hon, if you're thinking you should get married to a man you have no connection to, then trust me, you're young. Come home. Trust me, the world is still a big place. Being single is very likely to be the most correct course of action for you right now.


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