Has anybody seen my jacket/knickers?

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:14PM #1

I was on a bit of a bender last weekend. I definitely left it in Ireland, but I can't narrow the search zone any farther. I'm eager to get it back, because there's a severed human hand in the inside pocket, and I'm worried that if that hand gets into the wrong hands, I'll have to answer some pretty taxing questions.

The jacket itself is an old-style Snorkel jacket:

Colour: snot green
Distinguishing features:

1) when zipped to its extremity, turns your head into the exact shape of ET, from the hit motion picture ET

2) impossible to look left or right when fully zipped

3) severed hand in inside pocket

4) blood soaked

PM me if you find it please. There's a cash* reward on offer.

*-redeemable in borderline out-of-date Jaffa cakes.

08-04-2009 01:18PM

i think i might get a chicken stuffing sandwich this lunchtime instead of my regular tuna wrap.

javaboy · 08-04-2009 01:19PM

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:21PM

javaboy wrote: »

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

Dancing? I don't think so. I remember applying a machete to a hand in the toilets of a disco, but I'm not sure which disco, or where. Plus, I don't know who owned the machete. I checked my machete collection when I woke up, and all 387 were accounted for, unbloodied.

_blank_ · 08-04-2009 01:22PM

javaboy wrote: »

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

SV · 08-04-2009 01:23PM

I have your jacket.

Minus the hand?

Turd Ferguson · 08-04-2009 01:25PM

Des wrote: »

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

Yeah. He was dancing in the nightclub, end to end. Wait a minute, where's his....coat

javaboy · 08-04-2009 01:26PM

Des wrote: »

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

Corkario wears a jumper to the disco. Dublinario wears a jacket.

_blank_ · 08-04-2009 01:26PM

fán noimead, ca bhfuil mo geansaí.

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:27PM

SV wrote: »

I have your jacket.

Minus the hand?

I'll level with you. It's more the hand I'm interested in than the jacket. The jacket was average, and brought me nothing but bad luck since I first stole it from an orphanage. I was wearing it both the times I was run over by cars, for example.

The hand is more precious to me. Or rather, the hand never turning up in a police station is more precious to me. If anybody should find it, obviously you'll want to play with it for a while, pretending it's the hand from The Adams Family. That's just human nature. But please, when you've had your fill of giggles, chuck it in the nearest fire.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:27PM

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:30PM

Vain wrote: »

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

Look man, we're not judging you. So you tried to instigate a "phantom ****", masturbating yourself with the sensation of a foreign touch. Who in your position can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say they wouldn't have done otherwise? I know I can't.

SV · 08-04-2009 01:31PM

dublinario wrote: »

I'll level with you. It's more the hand I'm interested in than the jacket. The jacket was average, and brought me nothing but bad luck since I first stole it from an orphanage. I was wearing it both the times I was run over by cars, for example.

The hand is more precious to me. Or rather, the hand never turning up in a police station is more precious to me. If anybody should find it, obviously you'll want to play with it for a while, pretending it's the hand from The Adams Family. That's just human nature. But please, when you've had your fill of giggles, chuck it in the nearest fire.

I like the jacket and I do believe I'll keep it.

The hand I sold.

08-04-2009 01:32PM

Vain wrote: »

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

ah i see, kind of like lying on your arm till it goes dead. only better.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:33PM

dublinario wrote: »

Look man, we're not judging you. So you tried to instigate a "phantom ****", masturbating yourself with the sensation of a foreign touch. Who in your position can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say they wouldn't have done otherwise? I know I can't.

Thought it as a bit sticky alright before i got my penis hands on it.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:36PM

Deleted User wrote: »

ah i see, kind of like lying on your arm till it goes dead. only better.

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:36PM

SV wrote: »

I like the jacket and I do believe I'll keep it.

The hand I sold.

Who bought the hand? I have a testicle for sale too. Could you see if your buyer is interested? I'd be prepared to pay you a finder's fee. Also, do you happen to know a surgeon with experience of removing healthy testicles?

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:39PM

Vain wrote: »

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

Obviously I can't divulge the identities of everybody whose hand I chop off, but I can reveal that you have now officially been peddled by the hand of a person who once auditioned for You're a Star. I really can't say more than that, because only two former contestants have recently had their hands chopped off, so further clues would make it too obvious.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:42PM

dublinario wrote: »

Obviously I can't divulge the identities of everybody whose hand I chop off, but I can reveal that you have now officially been peddled by a person who once auditioned for You're a Star. I really can't say more than that, because only two former contestants have recently had their hands chopped off, so further clues would make it too obvious.

Meh couldn't care who it was, I scored thats all the matters:pac:

Birdie086 · 08-04-2009 01:45PM

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:45PM

Vain wrote: »

Meh couldn't care who it was, I scored thats all the matters:pac:

Every goal is a great goal, I guess. I just hope you appreciated the liberal coating of Oil of Ulay I applied to the hand earlier in the evening. I also used it to wash a full set of dishes with Mild Green, Fairy Liquid.

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:49PM

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

You're welcome to come round and look in the container out my back garden. There's a few thousands pairs, mostly that I've stolen from washing lines in the dead of night. You might find what you're looking for, although I think I'd remember the ones you describe.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:50PM

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

Yes i have them on ebay for sale. Sniff sniff.

Vain · 08-04-2009 01:51PM

dublinario wrote: »

Every goal is a great goal, I guess. I just hope you appreciated the liberal coating of Oil of Ulay I applied to the hand earlier in the evening. I also used it to wash a full set of dishes with Mild Green, Fairy Liquid.

I did indeed;)

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:52PM

Vain wrote: »

Yes i have them on ebay for sale. Sniff sniff.

The price should vary depending on how sniffed they are. The more sniffage that's occurred, the less woman spores that remain within the fibre. Ideally, you'd want to get them looked over by an expert in a lab to establish a fair price.

Gran Hermano · 08-04-2009 01:54PM

dublinario wrote: »

I was on a bit of a bender last weekend. .

Next time get his phone number...

08-04-2009 01:55PM

Vain wrote: »

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

we could trade our left hands with each other?

you chop first.

Zadkiel · 08-04-2009 01:55PM

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

They look like a snails been in em

Birdie086 · 08-04-2009 01:55PM

It would take a whole team of experts to decipher them knickers!!!

gaz wac · 08-04-2009 01:55PM

is the hand black or white ?

dublinario · 08-04-2009 01:56PM

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Next time get his phone number...

How dare you? No really, how dare you? You swan in here, upon a perfectly respectable thread about hand-severance and panty-sniffage, and you throw around your gutter innuendo. For shame, sir. For shame.

Has anybody seen my jacket/knickers?

Comments