Has anybody seen my jacket/knickers?

dublinario

I was on a bit of a bender last weekend. I definitely left it in Ireland, but I can't narrow the search zone any farther. I'm eager to get it back, because there's a severed human hand in the inside pocket, and I'm worried that if that hand gets into the wrong hands, I'll have to answer some pretty taxing questions.

The jacket itself is an old-style Snorkel jacket:

Colour: snot green
Distinguishing features:

1) when zipped to its extremity, turns your head into the exact shape of ET, from the hit motion picture ET

2) impossible to look left or right when fully zipped

3) severed hand in inside pocket

4) blood soaked

PM me if you find it please. There's a cash* reward on offer.

*-redeemable in borderline out-of-date Jaffa cakes.

i think i might get a chicken stuffing sandwich this lunchtime instead of my regular tuna wrap.

javaboy

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

dublinario

javaboy wrote: »

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

Dancing? I don't think so. I remember applying a machete to a hand in the toilets of a disco, but I'm not sure which disco, or where. Plus, I don't know who owned the machete. I checked my machete collection when I woke up, and all 387 were accounted for, unbloodied.

_blank_

javaboy wrote: »

Were you dancing at the disco at all?

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

SV

I have your jacket.

Minus the hand?

Turd Ferguson

Des wrote: »

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

Yeah. He was dancing in the nightclub, end to end. Wait a minute, where's his....coat

javaboy

Des wrote: »

er...then he would have lost his jumper, not his coat.

Corkario wears a jumper to the disco. Dublinario wears a jacket.

_blank_

fán noimead, ca bhfuil mo geansaí.

dublinario

SV wrote: »

I have your jacket.

Minus the hand?

I'll level with you. It's more the hand I'm interested in than the jacket. The jacket was average, and brought me nothing but bad luck since I first stole it from an orphanage. I was wearing it both the times I was run over by cars, for example.

The hand is more precious to me. Or rather, the hand never turning up in a police station is more precious to me. If anybody should find it, obviously you'll want to play with it for a while, pretending it's the hand from The Adams Family. That's just human nature. But please, when you've had your fill of giggles, chuck it in the nearest fire.

Vain

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

dublinario

Vain wrote: »

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

Look man, we're not judging you. So you tried to instigate a "phantom ****", masturbating yourself with the sensation of a foreign touch. Who in your position can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say they wouldn't have done otherwise? I know I can't.

SV

dublinario wrote: »

I'll level with you. It's more the hand I'm interested in than the jacket. The jacket was average, and brought me nothing but bad luck since I first stole it from an orphanage. I was wearing it both the times I was run over by cars, for example.

The hand is more precious to me. Or rather, the hand never turning up in a police station is more precious to me. If anybody should find it, obviously you'll want to play with it for a while, pretending it's the hand from The Adams Family. That's just human nature. But please, when you've had your fill of giggles, chuck it in the nearest fire.

I like the jacket and I do believe I'll keep it.

The hand I sold.

Vain

Vain wrote: »

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

ah i see, kind of like lying on your arm till it goes dead. only better.

Vain

dublinario wrote: »

Look man, we're not judging you. So you tried to instigate a "phantom ****", masturbating yourself with the sensation of a foreign touch. Who in your position can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say they wouldn't have done otherwise? I know I can't.

Thought it as a bit sticky alright before i got my penis hands on it.

Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

ah i see, kind of like lying on your arm till it goes dead. only better.

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

dublinario

SV wrote: »

I like the jacket and I do believe I'll keep it.

The hand I sold.

Who bought the hand? I have a testicle for sale too. Could you see if your buyer is interested? I'd be prepared to pay you a finder's fee. Also, do you happen to know a surgeon with experience of removing healthy testicles?

dublinario

Vain wrote: »

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

Obviously I can't divulge the identities of everybody whose hand I chop off, but I can reveal that you have now officially been peddled by the hand of a person who once auditioned for You're a Star. I really can't say more than that, because only two former contestants have recently had their hands chopped off, so further clues would make it too obvious.

Vain

dublinario wrote: »

Obviously I can't divulge the identities of everybody whose hand I chop off, but I can reveal that you have now officially been peddled by a person who once auditioned for You're a Star. I really can't say more than that, because only two former contestants have recently had their hands chopped off, so further clues would make it too obvious.

Meh couldn't care who it was, I scored thats all the matters:pac:

Birdie086

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

dublinario

Vain wrote: »

Meh couldn't care who it was, I scored thats all the matters:pac:

Every goal is a great goal, I guess. I just hope you appreciated the liberal coating of Oil of Ulay I applied to the hand earlier in the evening. I also used it to wash a full set of dishes with Mild Green, Fairy Liquid.

dublinario

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

You're welcome to come round and look in the container out my back garden. There's a few thousands pairs, mostly that I've stolen from washing lines in the dead of night. You might find what you're looking for, although I think I'd remember the ones you describe.

Vain

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

Yes i have them on ebay for sale. Sniff sniff.

Vain

dublinario wrote: »

Every goal is a great goal, I guess. I just hope you appreciated the liberal coating of Oil of Ulay I applied to the hand earlier in the evening. I also used it to wash a full set of dishes with Mild Green, Fairy Liquid.

I did indeed;)

dublinario

Vain wrote: »

Yes i have them on ebay for sale. Sniff sniff.

The price should vary depending on how sniffed they are. The more sniffage that's occurred, the less woman spores that remain within the fibre. Ideally, you'd want to get them looked over by an expert in a lab to establish a fair price.

Gran Hermano

dublinario wrote: »

I was on a bit of a bender last weekend. .

Next time get his phone number...

Vain

Vain wrote: »

Unreal, its like winning the lotto when you find a severed hand. Who needs women. Pity it fell in the jacks while i was flushing ahem. Must go on ebay and see if i can find another.

we could trade our left hands with each other?

you chop first.

Zadkiel

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

They look like a snails been in em

Birdie086

It would take a whole team of experts to decipher them knickers!!!

gaz wac

is the hand black or white ?

dublinario

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Next time get his phone number...

How dare you? No really, how dare you? You swan in here, upon a perfectly respectable thread about hand-severance and panty-sniffage, and you throw around your gutter innuendo. For shame, sir. For shame.

MonicaBing

dublinario wrote: »

You're welcome to come round and look in the container out my back garden. There's a few thousands pairs, mostly that I've stolen from washing lines in the dead of night. You might find what you're looking for, although I think I'd remember the ones you describe.

Foul! I cry foul, you baxterd, give me back my crotchless backless Agent Provocateur that i bought on e-bay...Britney used to own them and there very special to me...

dublinario

MonicaBing wrote: »

Foul! I cry foul, you baxterd, give me back my crotchless backless Agent Provocateur that i bought on e-bay...Britney used to own them and there very special to me...

Unfortunately, that particular item was sniffed out of existence. Much like a black hole would consume every morsel of matter and light and energy within its sphere of influence, I over-sniffed those panties until their very atoms were exhausted, and nothing of them remained. I'm not proud of that episode.

dublinario

gaz wac wrote: »

is the hand black or white ?

Who are you, Michael Jackson?*

* - makes no sense whatsoever.

MonicaBing

dublinario wrote: »

Unfortunately, that particular item was sniffed out of existence. Much like a black hole would consume every morsel of matter and light and energy within its sphere of influence, I over-sniffed those panties until their very atoms were exhausted, and nothing of them remained. I'm not proud of that episode.

Jeez, you must have a massive pair of...nostrils:D

I would demand retribution, but you have a penchant for severing hands and i happen to like, (cough), ahem working with mine...:p

Birdie086

Back to topic, my friend is getting worried. Her knickers never stayed away this long before. They have been missing in action a few times before but they always turned up.
There is a reward for them.
Seek and you shall find

Birdie086

dublinario wrote: »

How dare you? No really, how dare you? You swan in here, upon a perfectly respectable thread about hand-severance and panty-sniffage, and you throw around your gutter innuendo. For shame, sir. For shame.

Here, here.
Well said

MonicaBing

Birdie086 wrote: »

Back to topic, my friend is getting worried. Her knickers never stayed away this long before. They have been missing in action a few times before but they always turned up.
There is a reward for them.
Seek and you shall find

Hire Dublinario, the man is a bloodhound, i **** you not...

Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

we could trade our left hands with each other?

you chop first.

Done. Your turn. Iv a tip for you tho dont use a blunt hacksaw blade and make sure no dogs are around to run off with the hand:mad:

Fat_Fingers

dublinario wrote: »

If anybody should find it, obviously you'll want to play with it for a while, pretending it's the hand from The Adams Family.

no,no,no,... i was thinking more in line of Podge and Rodge : "can i borrow your hand"

dublinario

Vain wrote: »

Done. Your turn. Iv a tip for you tho dont use a blunt hacksaw blade and make sure no dogs are around to run off with the hand:mad:

Ah, the domesticated dog: natural enemy of the severed hand; pooper of pavements; biter of children; supplier of food to Chinese takeaways. When will those fat cats in government ever muster the balls to have all dogs shipped to Britain when their guard is down.

Turd Ferguson

Birdie086 wrote: »

Myself and friend went out last night. She came home without her knickers. Has anybody seen them?

- Mint green
- size 8(ya right)
- thongy likey thingy

thanks in advance

I have them, although your description of 'mint' is very far off as they taste like 4 year old salmon

dublinario

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

I have them, although your description of 'mint' is very far off as they taste like 4 year old salmon

A common misunderstanding. I believe the young lady in question was referring to the hue of the underpants, not their taste/smell. Though it is possible that, when last she saw them, a packet of polos were neatly stashed therein.

Vain

Vain wrote: »

I found it. You can keep the jacket but i accidentally dropped the severed hand down the toilet:o Dont ask:o

Lucky you. Last time i dropped the hand in the toilets i got a blackeye and a restraining order for my troubles.

dublinario

Deleted User wrote: »

Lucky you. Last time i dropped the hand in the toilets i got a blackeye and a restraining order for my troubles.

I've always regarded restraining orders more as suggestions than decrees.

Pollythene Pam

I did find a hand in the Ballboughal area of North county Dublin.
However, I doubt it is the hand you are looking for, as it was very hairy and had long fingernails.
In any case I wish to keep this item as it is a great topic of conversation. Especially with the ladies. Sorry.

dublinario

Pollythene Pam wrote: »

Sorry.

No, don't apologise my brave, hand-hoarding friend. Society might deem you a chronic, sick-minded sociopath, but not I. No, we limb treasurers are a dying breed. For did not Hannibal Lectur say it best: "I'd like to eat your liver with some Fava beans, and a nice Cianti...vivi viv viv viv viv viv".

Ne'er a true word spoken, my gentle cannibal friend. Ne're a truer word spoke (wipes away single tear of madness).

LD 50

If I find it can I keep the hand? I'll preserve it in formaldahyde and add it to my collection.

LD 50

Also, what about these knickers you lost. Do you want them back aswell

biko

I have the hand but keeping it. Sure beats having to lie sideways on my own arm before w*****g.

dublinario

LD 50 wrote: »

Also, what about these knickers you lost. Do you want them back aswell

Let your heart decide, noble LD. You could graft the hand onto your own chest, like a superfluous ultra-nipple, one capable of holding a cup of coffee.

The knickers? Wear them with pride (on your head).