Single and Hating It

LegacyUser · 07-04-2009 05:03PM #1

Hi guys,

Just looking for a little advice please. I'm a 19 y/o guy in my 2nd year in college. I'm a decent person, friendly, good sense of humour and have my head fairly well screwed on and have, on occasion, been told that I ain't that too bad looking! My problem is that I cannot get a girl. I see most of my friends pulling nearly every night and I just can't even get close. Although I'm still a virgin, I don't want meaningless one night stands, am I alone in this?

At best I can, again on occasion, pluck up the courage to kiss a girl in a club and that's with a few drinks. Any females that I meet in the course of daily life quickly become just friends, and I have been told by many people that I'm too nice, even female friends have told me that. But I don't want to be a guy who disrespects women and treats them badly....it seems like there is no room for that kind of guy anymore...

The older I'm getting the worse my confidence is getting in the whole area and to be honest I'm getting fed up and down about it all...

Any advice appreciated!

Elessar · 07-04-2009 05:11PM

Why do you hate being single?

pokerface78 · 07-04-2009 05:26PM

it is hard being single, especially when you see all your mates pulling girls around you! the more you see this,you feel it is knocking your self confidence, but it isn't! your just a little lonely right now, your self confidence is fine..you described yourself as a great guy,a fine catch and anyone who has low self confidence couldnt do that! what you need to do is get involved in some kind of social group in college, that way you will get to know someone/lots of people who like the same things as you, and its not an environment that is alcohol fuelled. you honestly cant meet someone in the middle of a roaring bar/nightclub, great place for 1 night stands but they'll just make you feel worse. never worth it! so let people see the real you in a social group!and another great way to meet a girl is online dating, i know it sounds scary but believe me you can have great fun and it'l widen your circle and give you a great boost!! good luck xx

NoQuarter · 07-04-2009 06:07PM

You should google "pick up artists community" or "PUA community".

Most of the stuff written has to be taken with a pinch of salt and the majority is hilarious/cheesy but some of the ideas arent the worst and there are ideas on how to make yourself be seen as a potential suitor to women rather than always a friend!

so step up and be the alpha male!

upmeath · 07-04-2009 06:44PM

pokerface78 wrote: »

you honestly cant meet someone in the middle of a roaring bar/nightclub, great place for 1 night stands but they'll just make you feel worse.

Good advice, whatever about your username, pokerface78.

OP, I was in your boots for a good while too. I'd what I'd have considered at the time to be a long term relationship towards the end of school; I went out with a girl for 15 months from 6th year for a while into college, but we went our separate ways when I finished 1st year, she didn't want things to end but she acted the maggot at the same time.
So I spent 2nd, 3rd and half of 4th year in college (that's 2.5 years of college!) watching my mates having regular one night stands in clubs around Dublin, getting the odd phone number and seeing the girls maybe for a couple of weeks, but none of these flings turned into much and its really just hormones raging. :rolleyes:
Although I did kiss the odd girl in a roaring bar/nightclub as pokerface78 outlines above, that's not really my scene, and it does make you feel worse. I prefer getting to know girls, taking them out somewhere, maybe for food, a walk, cinema, something like that. Treating someone well and taking time to get to know them (as opposed to shouting at them drunkenly before engaging in tonsil hockey and exchanging numbers) makes you feel a lot better about yourself.
Considering you make friends with many of the women you encounter in day to day life, you might have a foot in the door already. Get to know them, or their friends. For all you know one of them already likes you. Don't be afraid to ask them out, even on an innocent friendly date to the cinema, it might turn into more.
I met my current gf through friends I'd been hanging around with for 3 years, we were in similar social circles but just never really got talking until 6 or 8 months ago, we hit it off and we're going out a few months now. Don't be worrying about being single in 1st year, everyone does it bar those who were with someone going into college, and in hindsight I probably should have been single in 1st year too, you enjoy it more.

LegacyUser · 07-04-2009 06:48PM

For some reason this is reminding me of a friends brother. He's in college and I saw him recently in the friends house. I would consider him to be nice to me and that's it but, if he flirted with me a bit or was a bit cheeky well, I'm ashamed to say I would, even with the amount of slagging I would get of my friends. As for now, I don't think he would think of me like that because he doesn't show it.

My suggestion is to flirt, have a huge grin for the person you like.

On a bit of a side note, if the friend flirted I would as well. Don't know why but they are both good looking even their father is good looking (I'm not the only person to think it). You've opened up thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking!

Dudess · 07-04-2009 07:50PM

I don't mean to offend anyone with the following - I'm just speculating, not judging.

pokerface78 wrote: »

it is hard being single, especially when you see all your mates pulling girls around you!

That's not a case of it being hard to be single, it's a case of it being hard to be the odd one out.
OP, I agree with Elessar - why do you hate not being in a relationship when you give the impression you've never been in one? How can you hate not having something you don't know what it's like to have? I bet if your mates weren't pulling constantly you wouldn't be posting here.
To fall in love is amazing but to just go out with someone to stop you from being single, is pointless and meaningless - and I really get the impression that's all you're looking for. You're fussier than your mates, that's why you're not pulling as easily - don't change that. Nothing wrong with fussy.

your just a little lonely right now

Again, because of feeling left out, not because of being single.

your self confidence is fine..you described yourself as a great guy,a fine catch and anyone who has low self confidence couldnt do that!

Just because you're confident in some ways doesn't mean you're confident in all departments. I think the OP does seem to lack confidence in a certain sense - the need to feel validated as a person by having "another half". A confident person wouldn't need that.

what you need to do is get involved in some kind of social group in college, that way you will get to know someone/lots of people who like the same things as you, and its not an environment that is alcohol fuelled. you honestly cant meet someone in the middle of a roaring bar/nightclub, great place for 1 night stands but they'll just make you feel worse. never worth it! so let people see the real you in a social group!and another great way to meet a girl is online dating, i know it sounds scary but believe me you can have great fun and it'l widen your circle and give you a great boost!! good luck xx

Some very good advice there, but I don't think it's a good idea to pursue a relationship to fill a void - work on your confidence first. You are only 19 - don't put yourself under such pressure.
At the same time though, if you meet someone organically and you really like them, fantastic. But don't force the issue.

LegacyUser · 08-04-2009 12:46AM

Alright pal,
One of those assholes that disrespect women..? Are you sure theyre doing just that or are they just flirting and you dont know the difference? A bit of slagging is not disrespectful and often girls enjoy it as long as it doesnt go too far. You may be coming across as too serious, Try to be a bit cheeky at times, mix it up a bit. Im a guy 20yrs old in college in Dublin, I have a girlfriend that I met through a drunken night in a club and I met her through some random slagging.. Personally I think you could be a bit jealous of your friends, no offence though youre probably oblivious to it!

LegacyUser · 08-04-2009 01:43AM

I was in the same position as you at 19. What you need to do is take on board a lot of the good advice already given here and stop being hard on yourself.
There are happy times in life, harsh times and ordinary times - you will learn this more as you get older. Right now you're in an ordinary time - you'd like to meet someone special but it's just not happening...it will in time, only you just don't know when or where.-That can be frustrating sometimes but you just need to get on with things - it will happen when you are thinking about something completely different and not expecting it in the slightest.
Other than that things are ok, be thankful for that and just try and enjoy life.
Find hobbies or things that make you happy. Girls are attracted Guys who are happy in themselves!

All the best.

Elessar · 08-04-2009 09:20AM

I don't agree with the advice "It'll happen eventually". There's a chance that it wont, ever. Like anything in life if you want it you have to work for it. Don't sit back and do nothing.

Nothing wrong with that obviously but if you don't want to be a bachelor...

Dudess · 08-04-2009 09:27AM

I agree to an extent - that's why it's a great idea to join social groups as suggested. But forcing it and striving for it for the wrong reasons aren't good ideas either.

Blangis · 08-04-2009 11:02AM

Dudess wrote: »

Just because you're confident in some ways doesn't mean you're confident in all departments. I think the OP does seem to lack confidence in a certain sense - the need to feel validated as a person by having "another half". A confident person wouldn't need that.

Some very good advice there, but I don't think it's a good idea to pursue a relationship to fill a void - work on your confidence first. You are only 19 - don't put yourself under such pressure.

I don't agree with this advice. You appear to have an axe (or ex?) to grind here.

He wants to hook up with girls and has issues with his confidence. Telling him that he shouldn't need to hook up with girls to feel good about himself is just irrelevant. He's 19! 19 year old guys want to hook up with girls, and this isn't something that needs to be deconstructed. Your advice might be helpful to a woman in her mid-30s, but it's way off base here.

You could offer the above advice about almost anything that a human might possibly be trying to achieve. "You shouldn't need to (have a degree/get a job/have friends/own a house/buy a car/go on holidays/any other human desire) to feel fulfilled." It's silly. And it's actually very dismissive and supercilious. In fact, it feels like you are trying to convince yourself of this by preaching it to other people.

Sorry if this was a bit harsh, but I think it's fair.

Dudess · 08-04-2009 11:14AM

Blangis wrote: »

You appear to have an axe (or ex?) to grind here.

That's rather presumptuous - especially the "ex" dig.

He wants to hook up with girls and has issues with his confidence. Telling him that he shouldn't need to hook up with girls to feel good about himself is just irrelevant. He's 19! 19 year old guys want to hook up with girls, and this isn't something that needs to be deconstructed.

He's the one saying he wants something more meaningful than a "hook-up" - that's entirely what I based the post on.

You could offer the above advice about almost anything that a human might possibly be trying to achieve. "You shouldn't need to (have a degree/get a job/have friends/own a house/buy a car/go on holidays/any other human desire) to feel fulfilled." It's silly. And it's actually very dismissive and supercilious.

What I mean is: make sure you're looking for these things for the right reasons. Getting a girlfriend so you won't feel left out is not a right reason. Pursuing a relationship because you want to experience the joy of being in a loving one is. But this will take more time if you're fussy - I'm not for one second saying the OP shouldn't aim for that.

it feels like you are trying to convince yourself of this by preaching it to other people.

Yeah well you're wrong - and being presumptuous again.

Amy33 · 08-04-2009 11:22AM

You're better off single believe me, relationships are nothing but a waste of time...

partyguinness · 08-04-2009 11:55AM

Mate..when I was 19 and in uni...only one thats right one of my mates (of about 20-30) were in a relationship...

Looking back there were very very few couples..lots of shag buddies for sure...;)

Enjoy yourself and turn being single into an advantage...otherwise you will come across as desperate..:)

cherrypicker555 · 08-04-2009 12:01PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi guys,

Just looking for a little advice please. I'm a 19 y/o guy in my 2nd year in college. I'm a decent person, friendly, good sense of humour and have my head fairly well screwed on and have, on occasion, been told that I ain't that too bad looking! My problem is that I cannot get a girl. I see most of my friends pulling nearly every night and I just can't even get close. Although I'm still a virgin, I don't want meaningless one night stands, am I alone in this?

At best I can, again on occasion, pluck up the courage to kiss a girl in a club and that's with a few drinks. Any females that I meet in the course of daily life quickly become just friends, and I have been told by many people that I'm too nice, even female friends have told me that. But I don't want to be a guy who disrespects women and treats them badly....it seems like there is no room for that kind of guy anymore...

The older I'm getting the worse my confidence is getting in the whole area and to be honest I'm getting fed up and down about it all...

Any advice appreciated!

Nice is a euphamism for weak. If you lack sexual confidence, use beautiful escorts, sleeping with them will improve your esteem and make you more confident with everyday girls.

Your projecting your insecurites, which they pick up, get a bit of attitude. Learn about body language and how to reciprocate it alot of stuff is on a subconcious level, improve your posture, way you dress, attitude to life etc, etc.Learn to project subtle confidence.Never over do compliments, if you give them start with small neutral things, notice their shoes, handbag, later hair etc, women can see corny a mile away. Never ever appear to be a player, always act the normal everyday guy, never come across as a playboy. Just Joe sixpack, an ordinary modest guys who has had his owns probs in life but is getting on with it and oneday hopes to love again.....Gain their sympathy, its another psych link/connection being built.

Listen to them, empathise give them lots of hugs, listen to their probs tell them you understand then pounce, then go cold on them and neg them ie start being neg about small things and build it up, keep your distance........and watch them want you. Your putting them on a pedastal, women dont like that, dont get me wrong be nice but treat them like your little sister rather then some kind of Goddess, that has to be earned.

I will ignore the personal abuse.

Heres a good way to pull for the OP.

Go into a dept store, lots fit girls work there make eye contact with one and smile. Tell her you need to buy a pres for your mothers bithday, but not sure, dont pick perfume, clothes or make up to personal.

Ask about bags, beach bags, scarfs, make up cases etc.

Get her in a conversation, look confidendent/be chatty, select something, say to her I would love to buy you a glass of wine to thank you for your help, discretely slip her your card.woman love the combination of masculinity and romance, Who knows it may be the start of something if it works, nothing to lose and your mother gets a prez. Her brain will also be thinking, is that how he treats his girlfriend.

Nothing to loss my friend after a few times it wont even phase you loads of senarios like this, get a gameplan.

Dudess · 08-04-2009 12:25PM

partyguinness wrote: »

Mate..when I was 19 and in uni...only one thats right one of my mates (of about 20-30) were in a relationship...

Looking back there were very very few couples..lots of shag buddies for sure...;)

Enjoy yourself and turn being single into an advantage...otherwise you will come across as desperate..:)

He said he's not interested in one-night stands.

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

Nice is a euphamism for weak.

Not always - it might just mean "sound".

If you lack sexual confidence, use beautiful escorts, sleeping with them will improve your esteem and make you more confident with everyday girls.

Seeing as he's not interested in one-night stands, I'd imagine paying for sex would not be his thing. He's also a student - students most likely can't afford escorts, especially in this climate.

Your projecting your insecurites

How? He's fussier than just looking for a shag which is entirely his prerogative - not all lads want to do the man-ho thing and that should be respected.

which they pick up, get a bit of attitude. Learn about body language and how to reciprocate it alot of stuff is on a subconcious level, improve your posture, way you dress etc.Learn to project subtle confidence.Never over do compliments, if you give them start with small neutral things, notice their shoes, handbag, hair etc, women can see corny a mile away.

Listen to them, empathise give them lots of hugs, listen to their probs tell them you understand then pounce, then go cold on them and neg them ie start being neg about small things and build it up. Your putting them on a pedastal, women dont like that, dont get me wrong be nice but treat them like your little sister rather then some kind of Goddess, that has to be earned.

Please don't take the above advice (which is more than a little laced with misogyny) other than "learn about body language", "improve your posture, the way you dress", "learn to project subtle confidence".
"Pounce... Go cold on them" - Jesus. Other posts I've seen by you appear influenced by your own experiences of a more hardcore world, which is cool if it's what you're into, but your preferences aren't universal.

OP, if you'd like a meaningful relationship (rather than getting a girl just for the sake of it) then the best advice so far (IMO) is to join college societies. May seem very simple and obvious, but often the most simple and obvious plans of action are the best ones.

cherrypicker555 · 08-04-2009 12:28PM

misogny my friend ? but it has got me to sleep with 300 pus women.

Jealousy will get you no where

Dudess · 08-04-2009 12:35PM

Oh I'm a woman.

And the OP isn't interested in just dicking around so tips on how to seduce easily-led women aren't of much use to him...

cherrypicker555 · 08-04-2009 12:36PM

Dudess wrote: »

Oh I'm a woman.

There you go ha. :P

cherrypicker555 · 08-04-2009 12:37PM

Dudess wrote: »

Oh I'm a woman.

And the OP isn't interested in just dicking around so tips on how to seduce easily-led women aren't of much use to him...

He said he cant pull.

partyguinness · 08-04-2009 12:40PM

One night stands dont have to meaningless...use them as a character builder..this is real life not an episode of Home and Away.

I used one night stands to perfect my skills and technique. My current g/f is eternally grateful..:D

Dudess · 08-04-2009 12:43PM

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

There you go ha. :P

Whatever that means. I'm not jealous of women who score caveman types if that's what you're implying...

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

He said he cant pull.

... but he's not interested in one-night stands, which is "pulling" no?

partyguinness wrote: »

One night stands dont have to meaningless...use them as a character builder..this is real life not an episode of Home and Away.

I used one night stands to perfect my skills and technique. My current g/f is eternally grateful..:D

No matter what they do in terms of building technique etc, the OP sees them as meaningless.

partyguinness · 08-04-2009 12:49PM

Dudess wrote: »

Whatever that means. I'm not jealous of women who score caveman types if that's what you're implying...

... but he's not interested in one-night stands, which is "pulling" no?

No matter what they do in terms of building technique etc, the OP sees them as meaningless.

Lighten up...:cool:

Dudess · 08-04-2009 12:53PM

Eh... this thread is for giving advice to the OP - whether I lighten up or not is irrelevant, as is your advice.

Also OP, your appearance is important too (for first impressions anyway). Do what you can to keep yourself looking as well as you can - like eating well, going to the gym etc. This isn't just so girls will fancy you, it will build your confidence also.

shellyboo · 08-04-2009 01:11PM

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

misogny my friend ? but it has got me to sleep with 300 pus women.

Pus? You should probably get that looked at.

Your advice is all very well, but the OP specifically stated...

I don't want meaningless one night stands

and...

I don't want to be a guy who disrespects women and treats them badly

Hence your advice is somewhat unhelpful.

OP, maybe try and focus less on what your mates are up to. You've said that you're not interested in something meaningless, and what your mates are doing - randomly scoring girls in clubs - is totally meaningless.

Perhaps forget about the pub and club scene as a way to meet girls, it's not the best place. Try to develop your skills in expressing that you like someone BEFORE you get into the friend zone. This takes a bit of trial and error and a lot of guts... but it's a better way of finding something more than a quick snog or a shag. There's no drink involved, it's straightforward, and you know where you stand straight away.

By the sounds of it, you have no problem making female friends and that's a huge headstart - you know how to interact with women just being yourself without playing a game or running an act on them. Realise what a HUGE asset this is! If you're feeling brave you could even ask your girl friends if they know any nice single girls who'd like to be taken out to dinner or something...

Basically, think outside the box. The way your friends get girls, that's nothing special. It doesn't work for everyone, and it's not even all that fulfilling. So stop beating yourself up about it!

Blangis · 08-04-2009 01:17PM

Dudess wrote: »

What I mean is: make sure you're looking for these things for the right reasons. Getting a girlfriend so you won't feel left out is not a right reason. Pursuing a relationship because you want to experience the joy of being in a loving one is.

Who defines the right reasons for wanting things? You? I hope you don't work in the civil service, or in any capacity where you get to approve applications or requests of any kind.

Anyway, he didn't say he wanted a relationship because everyone else had one and he felt left out. He said that he wanted a relationship but doesn't have the confidence with girls that other people seem to have.

Dudess · 08-04-2009 01:53PM

Blangis wrote: »

Who defines the right reasons for wanting things? You?

Ok so... "Getting a girl" because all your mates are pulling and you don't want to feel left out is a great idea - if you're needy and insecure.
Excuse me if I tell the OP to stick to his guns and hold out for a relationship that's independent of those kind of outside influences - seeing as that's what he wants.

I hope you don't work in the civil service, or in any capacity where you get to approve applications or requests of any kind.

Cool. A character evaluation based on that post. Based on your posts, I could say I hope you're not working in a profession that requires people not to be presumptuous...

Anyway, he didn't say he wanted a relationship because everyone else had one and he felt left out.

But he said it was making things hard for him - hence why I said what I said. But maybe he doesn't want a relationship just because he feels left out - I'm just considering the possibility though.

Shellyboo is pretty much saying what I've been trying to say...

cherrypicker555 · 08-04-2009 01:56PM

For the OP.

I will ignore the personal abuse.

Heres a good way to pull for the OP.

Go into a dept store, lots fit girls work there make eye contact with one and smile, stand straight but relaxed, look confident. Tell her you need to buy a pres for your mothers bithday, but not sure, dont pick perfume, clothes or make up to personal.

Ask about bags, beach bags, scarfs, make up cases etc.

Get her in a conversation, look confidendent/be chatty, select something,mirror her body language, try keep her engadged for as long as poss picking/choosing, tell her shes got style say to her I would love to buy you a glass of wine to thank you for help in making a great choice , make eye contact, discretely slip her your card, dont ask if she wants it just put it in her hand.woman love the combination of masculinity and romance, Who knows it may be the start of something if it works, nothing to lose and your mother gets a prez. Her brain will also be thinking, is that how he treats his girlfriend.

Nothing to loss my friend after a few times it wont even phase you loads of senarios like this, get a gameplan.

You want beautiful women, you have to go out and get them.

shellyboo · 08-04-2009 02:04PM

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

I will ignore the personal abuse.

You should always report personal abuse

cherrypicker555 wrote: »

Go into a dept store, lots fit girls work there make eye contact with one and smile. Tell her you need to buy a pres for your mothers bithday, but not sure, dont pick perfume, clothes or make up to personal.

Ask about bags, beach bags, scarfs, make up cases etc.

Get her in a conversation, look confidendent/be chatty, select something,try keep her engadged for as long as poss picking/choosing, say to her I would love to buy you a glass of wine to thank you for your help, make eye contact, discretely slip her your card.woman love the combination of masculinity and romance, Who knows it may be the start of something if it works, nothing to lose and your mother gets a prez. Her brain will also be thinking, is that how he treats his girlfriend.

You know what, this actually isn't a bad way of getting to know someone, if you take away all the "picking-up" objectifying aspect of it - going out of your way to trick someone into thinking you're something you're not.

But he has a point - see the opportunity in everything you do. Don't restrict meeting girls to pubs and clubs. If you see a girl you like, whether it be in college, in a cafe, in a shop, on the street - go for it. Make conversation, and try and get their number. Worst case scenario, girl says no. You'll never see them again - you've lost nothing and gained a pile of confidence. It's a win-win.

Blangis · 08-04-2009 02:12PM

Dudess wrote: »

Ok so... "Getting a girl" because all your mates are pulling and you don't want to feel left out is a great idea - if you're needy and insecure.
Excuse me if I tell the OP to stick to his guns and hold out for a relationship that's independent of those kind of outside influences - seeing as that's what he wants.

Well, I happen to think that what he means is what he says, and what he wants is what he says he wants.

The title of this thread is "Single and hating it." The OP says: "My problem is that I cannot get a girl."

He wants a relationship (and his reasons are his own business) but is getting nowhere, because he is too nice.

Dudess wrote: »

Shellyboo is pretty much saying what I've been trying to say...

She is missing the point too. The only person giving relevant advice is the PUA guy.

Single and Hating It

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