Funniest thing youve heard from the elderly?

KeyLimePie · 25-03-2009 01:17AM

I love this thread =D

This old woman came up to me in the shop once and i was like I LIKE YA and i was like....thanks....and she said it again and i was really uncomfortable =p and then she took out a packet of ciggerates and was like A LIGHTER !

My mother though not old does some brilliant commentary on the news though, like the pope's comments on aids...-the pope is old- or the economic crisis....-fannie mae and freddie mac are funny names-

Lilyblue · 25-03-2009 10:24AM

"Just aswell she had that HIV" (She meant VHI!!)

My Mum was in the room while my sister and I were discussing STDs I said sure Mum would not know what that was. My Mum straight away said, "Don't underestimate your Mother" so I said ok then what is it? She whispered "Sanitary Towels" I was literally rolling around the floor laughing :pac:

Exneigh · 25-03-2009 10:33AM

My Nana: Isn't it great how the black bus drivers can remember where their going!

That's legend in my family circles now....

Jigsaw · 25-03-2009 11:06AM

My great aunt was in hospital one time and was on a hell of a lot of medication and wasn't herself at all. We were visiting one day and the doctor came down and had to give her an injection or insert a drip or something into a vein on the back of her hand. Now I have to say that my great aunt was a very God fearing woman btw. The doctor tried to put the needle in but my great aunt resisted and said, "take that dang thing away from me and stick it up your f*cking arse!" I had to leave the room!!

Dragan · 25-03-2009 11:47AM

"Please no, that's my pension money".

Oh how we laughed.

Exneigh · 25-03-2009 11:48AM

Oh I laughed at that one!

wolfpawnat · 25-03-2009 12:01PM

My OH's mother, a few of her gems are;

She got her grass cut by some Polish lads because they were cheaper, but didn't want them back again and her reason was - "Those Polish brought them daisies"

Then there was the time my OH's dad(RIP) was in bed, she burst into the sitting room to myself and my OH and says to him, "Go into your father there, wake him up and get him to take his sleeping tablet".

The finally, she didn't realise she bought too many cakes and wanted to give one to her friend, I asked was it a good idea because the husband was Diabetic, she read all the different sides of the box the cake was in, then turned around to me with a matter of factly tone and says "Well it says suitable for vegetarians!"

Lollipops23 · 25-03-2009 12:02PM

my granny tends to forget the names of some things....one time she was trying to figure out what to buy my English cousin for his bday
"ah sure i suppose i can just buy him some of those HIV vouchers"-she meant HMV.
or the time someone got her an electrical appliance for xmas.
"oh i'll need to get some Durex batteries for it."-she meant Duracell.

there's loads more but i reckon they're the best!

WithCheesePlease · 25-03-2009 12:17PM

My Mum is hardly elderly (65) but she comes out with some classics. A few that come to mind...

Refers to CDs as CD tapes and DVDs as DVD tapes!

A few of my nieces and nephews were round by parents place and were playing in the back garden with the neighbours kids (who are Chinese) and they had a bit of a falling out and my Dad commented they were like Ying and Yang. My mother freaked out and told my Dad to keep his voice down in case the neighbours heard him calling their kids racist names! Brilliant.

Noopti · 25-03-2009 12:23PM

I think we can pretty much sum one thing up from all this:
Old people are all racist bastards.

My gran used to refer to people as "******s" a lot. Not in the homophobic way, but sort of equivalent to us using a relatively benine word like "idiot".
Anyway, we were in grans one day and the local Priest starting walking up to the front door. My gran saw him through the window and said "Oh here comes that little ****** again"

Raze_them_all · 25-03-2009 12:31PM

My nan is very religious, we were out about 3 or 40 years ago for my mothers 40th in the italian connection, My gran gets drunk off the smell of alcohol, So the place was pretty empty us and one other table, and in walks two lads(obviously camp) and my gran had smelled some wine and sure enough starts banging on quiet loudly about the queers(her words)....then about the prices that the robbinb itallian b*stards while the waiter was at our table....full sure she was whispering. We all died a rather undignified death!

Destiny · 27-03-2009 05:19PM

Funniest thing I heard an old person say, was when my Granny (RIP) was taking antiobiotics. Because she was fluent in Irish, sometimes she didn't have the proper English words. One day when she was rummaging in her handbag, I asked her;

Me: What are you looking for??
Granny: My Antibollocks'!

I never laughed so much. She was a legend.

here.from.day.1 · 27-03-2009 05:21PM

I hope the gollywogs go home soon. :rolleyes:

Carroller · 27-03-2009 05:25PM

While watching the dunne vs cordoba fight in some horrible shìthole the national anthems were just about to begin...

Ring announcer: "Please stand for the Panama national anthem"
Old lady: "Do the Irish one first ya aul booolllix"

they continued there antics after every round by pretending they were the girls with the round 1-12 signs and kept running in circles with some brochure....

geuro · 27-03-2009 05:29PM

coming back from the hairdresser where she had just had a hair cut and blow dry, my mates mother announced that she had just been down at the shopping centre getting a blowjob

Einstein · 27-03-2009 05:35PM

my granny used to live with us...one day i was upstairs and she wanted me for something...

Gran shouts at me up the stairs: ......"David?"

Me back down to her : ....."Gran?"

Gran back up the stairs: ...."Yea?"

catratbat · 27-03-2009 05:37PM

My aunt (may she rest in peace) used to do our showing off for us as well. I remember her telling everyone she met at a gathering about my sister winning a cruise as a bonus in work in very hushed tones. After all it was her brothers funeral....:P

FlutterinBantam · 27-03-2009 05:38PM

My granny rang a Directory Enquiries for a number in Meath (Navan)

Jaysus says she, The lard arse on the other side of the phone says "What county is that in?"

Overblood · 27-03-2009 07:05PM

My grans favourite line is "ah that's a crap of shit!"

She must have heard crock of shit on some american film and got it all mixed up.

emeraldstar · 27-03-2009 09:08PM

Kazooie wrote: »

Watchin a tennis match between the two Williams sisters, venus and Serena. Grandad watches for about silentlly for 5 minutes before delivering this Gem:
'Jesus they're a different breed altogether'.

Hehe. My granny watching the Williams sisters playing each other: "Jaysus, they're like two big things escaped from the jungle."

kincsem · 27-03-2009 09:13PM

After a lengthy, careful, simplified explanation of computer viruses to someone who never used a computer
.... with a look of obvious relief "So you can't catch it then."

Paddy Samurai · 28-03-2009 10:18PM

Get out of my house or i'll call the guards!.

Kieo · 28-03-2009 10:35PM

cooking dinner one day my gran looked into the pot with the brussell sprouts in it and said "oh look sombody made a balls of the cabbage again".

another day she was sitting in front of the fire with a leg up on either side of the fire, when i asked what she was doing she said " sure i'm heating the tatch"

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 28-03-2009 10:48PM

A few years back my grandmother was staying with us at the same time as a group of my parents' friends, one of whom was gay. After the friends had left, granny was waxing lyrical to my mother about how nice all her friends were and mammy goes

"Oh that's good, I'm really relieved that you got on alright with Niall, I was worried you wouldn't like him because he's gay"

"Don't be saying that about the poor lad you bitch, he's lovely"

"Oh yeah I know, but he's gay"

"ORLA! You bad minded auld article, stop bad mouthing him, he's not gay at all he's so nice!"

"I'm not, bad mouthing him, he's an actual homosexual!"

"No he's not he's very nice!" *smack*

rainbowtrout · 28-03-2009 11:10PM

My late granny years ago was complaining about a muscle pain in her rear end to my cousin who is a doctor, so he suggested getting some cream called Ralgex (works similar to deep heat). Anyway about a week later he called around and asked her how she was getting on with her pain and the ralgex and she says to him 'No you told me to use Ajax' He sat there speechless not knowing whether to laugh or cry so he asked her how it worked out and she said 'well there's no more pain!'

Funniest thing youve heard from the elderly?

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