Funniest thing youve heard from the elderly?

Professey Chin

Whats the funniest/craziest etc etc thing youve heard from an elderly person?

Id say mine was my granny talkin to me and my cousin. Mid conversation she turns to my cousin(we were both about 18) and just goes to her "What you need to do now is settle down and find yourself a nice white boy"

I almost pissed myself laughing.Damn elderly racists:pac:

consultech

Ultimate Chin wrote: »

Whats the funniest/craziest etc etc thing youve heard from an elderly person?

Id say mine was my granny talkin to me and my cousin. Mid conversation she turns to my cousin(we were both about 18) and just goes to her "What you need to do now is settle down and find yourself a nice white boy"

I almost pissed myself laughing.Damn elderly racists:pac:

I claim inspiration for this thread!

Mine was: "No wonder babies born in hospital X are more proned to growing up committing crime, sure there's more black nurses there than anywhere else" - WTF? Amazing.

Professey Chin

consultech wrote: »

I claim inspiration for this thread!

Mine was: "No wonder babies born in hospital X are more proned to growing up comitting crime, sure there's more black nurses there than anywhere else" - Amazing.

Ture. I was just gonna reply to you but decided it deserved its own:cool:

amacachi

"Let me out, I was just sleeping."

garrincha62

My sister married a white South African chap. When my elderly granny heard about this her first reaction was "Well I'll pray that the babies won't be black". The daft racist died soon after, though not from casual racism, it was more complicated than that.

Saint_Mel

Similar story about racist elderly relation... few years ago I was doing a bit of travelling. Was staying with some relations in America for a while and was sending a postcart to my then girlfreind, from Singapore.

"Is it serious between you" asks my elderly, and quite distant, relation ... to which I replied ... "Not sure, we've only been seeing each other a short while".
"Thats good" he said, following up with "When you go back to Ireland you should find a nice Irish girl to settle with, you know, stick to our own because you cant really trust those blacks"

I nearly dropped. Having only met this bloke about 5 hours before hand he belts that out!

Later that day he was showing me around all the places he grew up ... "This place was great ... " he declared, "It was great before all the worthless immagrants start coming into the country".
"Immigrants should never have been let stay here" ... Now the thing is, his Father would have been a cousin of my Grandfather, and had emigrated, using his brothers birth cert for ID no less, after selling the family cow or something to get the boat fare. The irony was lost on him

OldGoat

Funniest thing my grandfather ever said was "...in the lineing of my jacket!"
I guess you had to be there.

Clare Bear

Racism is a new thing sure, it didn't exist up until a few years ago

Mr.Lizard

garrincha62 wrote: »

My sister married a white South African chap. When my elderly granny heard about this her first reaction was "Well I'll pray that the babies won't be black". The daft racist died soon after

Sorry to hear that. Did your sister get over the death of her husband in the end?

dublinario

My Granddad a couple of years ago: "your granny and I had wildly different tastes in sex. She was quite vanilla, whereas I was found toys and costumes very enticing."

I swear, you could cut the air with a knife. My dad was cutting the turkey (it was Christmas dinner), and he almost slashed his wrist.

garrincha62

Mr.Lizard wrote: »

Sorry to hear that. Did your sister get over the death of her husband in the end?

V funny Mr Lizard, my brother-in-law has realised since leaving S Africa that most people assume he is either racist or/and a mercenary...he's neither by the way...

damselnat

Went to visit my grandad recently, came into the house he was there with my two aunts watching Brokeback Mountain. I was curious to see his reaction,him not exactly being of the most open minded of generations, so stayed to the end of the film. No stir out of him the whole way through. Movie finished, two aunties in tears, one turns to him and goes, eh, well dad....what did you think? Casual shrug, thoughtful pursing of lips, considerate pause.....
"Sure it wasn't quite John Wayne now was it?"




Indeed not

dublinario

garrincha62 wrote: »

V funny Mr Lizard, my brother-in-law has realised since leaving S Africa that most people assume he is either racist or/and a mercenary...he's neither by the way...

I suppose he didn't know anything about that whole Mandela thing either? How convenient (give me a break).

intermittentmay

dublinario wrote: »

My Granddad a couple of years ago: "your granny and I had wildly different tastes in sex. She was quite vanilla, whereas I was fond of toys and costumes very enticing."

I swear, you could cut the air with a knife. My dad was cutting the turkey (it was Christmas dinner), and he almost slashed his wrist.

Well, thanks, this post made my day, although my colleagues are now looking at me with a suspicious look after my unexpected guffaw broke the deathly silence ever pervading our office...

MintyDoris

I was sitting watching TV with my lovely grandmother and the ad for a new washing-up liquid came on the tele. She commented that she'd like to try it and as I sometimes do her shopping for her, I said I'd get it for her

I dropped up a few days later and asked absently mindedly asked her to let me know if it was any good

She rang the next day and told me that it reminded her of a man. I asked why ... her reply was 'you know, the way it feels on your hands, all slippy ....'

I nearly fell off my chair with the shock

I love my nana

ScumLord

When we went on a family trip to England it was my little sisters first time out of the country and experiencing new races. She spent the whole time going around London saying things like "wow mammy! look at the China man" She was under 10 at the time.


Heard old people saying. Whats a bebo and,
has this computer got the internet in it.

ROCKMAN

Posted before in another thread

Go into my local's toilet behind one of the older regulars (70+)on night when we seen the non smoking sign pulled down and throw on the floor he turns to me....

" wasn't me, I'm not destructive.....I'm not constructive, i not putting the F**ker back ....."

Sofiztikated

One day, me and the old doll were visiting my granny (mothers mother, 78 at the time.) At the time, i was a bit...Squiffy.
After a little bit, mam want out to the bathroom. Granny turned to me and said, "Look at the big stoned head on ye, don't let your mother catch you. Want some tea?"
I was stunned!

mickos

Was sitting at the bar in my local pub a few months back. An elderly guy about 70ish on 1 side of me and a young fella with down syndrome on the other side with his uncle. The elderly guy turns and says to me "who's the mongrel chap beside you":eek:. I didn't know what to say. Total shocker.

g5fd6ow0hseima

Sofiztikated wrote: »

One day, me and the old doll were visiting my granny (mothers mother, 78 at the time.) At the time, i was a bit...Squiffy.
After a little bit, mam want out to the bathroom. Granny turned to me and said, "Look at the big stoned head on ye, don't let your mother catch you. Want some tea?"
I was stunned!

Thats brilliant, I could imagine it

barbiegirl

My mother who grew up at a time when everyone was white and a tan was considered black, called a suit "****** brown" in a shop about 5 years ago. It took me a good 2 weeks to get it into her head that it wasn't acceptable. She's finally getting things like this now. Up until 5 or 6 years ago there were no other ethnicities in my home town, it's her only excuse.

Antisocialiser

My friends granny was goin kinda senile and the room was discussing football and out of the blue she turns round in a big thick monaghan bog accent and goes "Whose dawg died!?"

V funneh at the time

TPD

I was in the hospital with my ex and some of her family visiting her mother, I forget the conversation but the ex's granny turned to her sister and said 'You've a figure like a n*gger only bigger'.

Absolutely pissed myself laughing, it was said jsut as a black doctor was walking by.

homerun_homer

My gran was watching Eastenders one night years ago when I called over to say hello. This was back in it's proper glory days of the Mitchell brothers etc. My uncle arrived in and she has a tendancy to explain what's going on to those who don't care.
"That's Mark. He's got VHI"
My Uncle "I bloody hope so because he's bloody got HIV!!":pac:

Mr.Lizard

My Granda (85) said the other day "I used to be an all-Ireland boxing champion and I could stick take you in a fight!" So to see if he was right I gave him my hardest punch straight inthe face. His teeth went flying and he dropped to the ground like a sack of spuds, his face pumping blood and with him totally unconcious on the deck.

Ya have to give it to them, the Eldery, they say the funniest things.

Lockstep

Mr.Lizard wrote: »

My Granda (85) said the other day "I used to be an all-Ireland boxing champion and I could stick take you in a fight!"

Upon hearing I do boxing, I almost always get the "My dad was AllIreland Boxing Champion" or some such thing.

It must be awful easy to get such a title.

star-pants

My granda turned to me and said 'so, how long have I left?'
I nearly fell off my chair. I was like... 'don't be silly granda you're fine!'

-He also said that the bump that was growing out of his neck was a second head he was growing. (when I was younger)
-That a cushion pump was for extracting earwax.
-That he didn't eat biscuits (half eaten pack) or buy the biscuits, his wife must have bought them. (she was dead 5years at this stage)

bless, I miss my granda

destroyer

mickos wrote: »

Was sitting at the bar in my local pub a few months back. An elderly guy about 70ish on 1 side of me and a young fella with down syndrome on the other side with his uncle. The elderly guy turns and says to me "who's the mongrel chap beside you":eek:. I didn't know what to say. Total shocker.

Presume he either said or meant "mongol" as in mongoloid which is
how Downs sufferers were always referred to in the past, even by
medical people, not an abusive term at all.

OldGoat

destroyer wrote: »

Presume he either said or meant "mongol" as in mongoloid which is
how Downs sufferers were always referred to in the past, even by
medical people, not an abusive term at all.

That would be in the days when gays were called queers, blacks were ****, irish were micks, arabs were toerags, asians were everything from chinks to wogs...Yep, not abusive at all. :rolleyes:

andrewh5

One of my aunts - who has no knowledge of electrical circuits etc - "don't go near that socket, the leccy will jump out and kill you"

Professey Chin

OldGoat wrote: »

That would be in the days when gays were called queers, blacks were ****, irish were micks, arabs were toerags, asians were everything from chinks to wogs...Yep, not abusive at all. :rolleyes:

Not really the same since mongoloid actually was a medical term

Peteee

Was visiting my granny in her nursing home a year back. She's 95 or thereabouts.

She was explaining how she was getting to know a new woman across the hall and she says "Ah she's really nice...for a protestant like". I nearly had to leave the room I was sniggering so much.

cjt156

"Don't like those homophobics...well, its just not natural!"

banshee_bones

My friend was visiting his granny before he went interrailing few years back, so he brought his friend along that was going with him and grannys advice to the two of them was "mind yer arse over there dont want them french ******s getin ya"

Nearly died laughing when he told me!

Mister Robinson

When I was younger my Granny told me she used to work in the bank.......Washing all the bank notes

And I believed her :P

Sofiztikated

Just remembered one day when we were together for a family dinner when i was 16, my dad, who would have been 70 then, in the middle of me getting a slagging for not bringing a girl i kinda seeing but noone had met, said, "so who is she? Or he, if thats your thing. Its ok, lots of young fellas are doing that these days." I was mortified, as you would be at 16 when your dad just suggested your gay. Cue extended slagging from the rest of the family. Was funny though.

dan1895

Was running for the luas in dundrum and run pass this old dear going home with her shopping, I must have startled the poor thing because she turns round and roars
"ya little f****** c***" and carries on.
Everyone on the street was left gobsmacked

Aodan83

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Just remembered one day when we were together for a family dinner when i was 16, my dad, who would have been 70 then, in the middle of me getting a slagging for not bringing a girl i kinda seeing but noone had met, said, "so who is she? Or he, if thats your thing. Its ok, lots of young fellas are doing that these days." I was mortified, as you would be at 16 when your dad just suggested your gay. Cue extended slagging from the rest of the family. Was funny though.

Wow, your dad was old. fair play to him. Legend though. I lold:D

Kazooie

Watchin a tennis match between the two Williams sisters, venus and Serena. Grandad watches for about silentlly for 5 minutes before delivering this Gem:
'Jesus they're a different breed altogether'.

Sofiztikated

Yep, he was. Viril too, father of 6 boys and 2 girls, me being the youngest, with a 25 year gap between the youngest and oldest. Great man, i miss him. Funny ****er too. Have many other stories too, but can't remember any at the moment.

damselnat

Mister Robinson wrote: »

When I was younger my Granny told me she used to work in the bank.......Washing all the bank notes

money laundrying?

the bolt

mickos wrote: »

Was sitting at the bar in my local pub a few months back. An elderly guy about 70ish on 1 side of me and a young fella with down syndrome on the other side with his uncle. The elderly guy turns and says to me "who's the mongrel chap beside you":eek:. I didn't know what to say. Total shocker.

i remember years ago going to meet my then boss one sunday morning to give him some time sheets.as i had a smoke i noticed half a joint in my fag box,thought i better get rid of it so i went to the jacks and smoked it.after i came out i called a drink ,owner of the pub served the drink minus my pint and said we dont serve junkies in here ,that will be £12.40 or whatever it was and just left me sitting in front of my boss like a pri*k.:o

Mister Robinson

damselnat wrote: »

money laundrying?

So thats why she own's a big house....

Julesie

My gran is still a little confused on this whole credit crunch business..

"And they said that global warming was only the weather, look what its done to the banks!"

Ah bless. She is 87 today and absolutely mental. She also stopped eating fish when those sailors drowned off the coast of wexford a few years back. She was convinced there would be traces of them in her Birdseye Cod!

Dan133269

I remember watching questions and answers years ago. They were having some kind of a religious debate. Towards the end of it, John Bowman brings in the audience, one ole biddy at the back puts up her hand and says "everyone here is talking about Jesus, but you have to remember Jesus and Jesus Christ are two different people". Cue a silence and then "ok" from John Bowman.

Old woman in supermarket where I was working asked me where the "Febreze" was, I showed it to her and she said "No. Febreze". I'm thinking wtf? eventually turns out she was looking for "vaporesse". Her pronunciation skills weren't the best. Ah old people, the source of so much amusement. They should be isolated and studied to help us younger generations, what was that Homer Simpson quote again?

Motorbreath

I was with my elderly grandfather and grandmother on their first trip on the Luas. My grandfather saw a man of Middle Eastern origin 'playing on his phone' so he immediately made us get off at the next stop and wait for the next one.

The reason?
He looked like he might have been trying to blow up the Luas

admiralofthefleet

my late uncle and late grandfather used to always meet on xmas morning for a few whiskeys. one time a good few years ago my uncle was ill and was using traxam for his pain. however after a few balls of malt he asked my grandfather to pass him his tampax. me and my brothers looked at each other and desperately tried to hold in the laughter

toodelies

my grandmother died last year and i still miss her madly. she had some cracking sayings:

every female was a "slut" - even when i was 4 and i had done something stupid she's roar "get out of that you dirty slut" - when i was 15 i figured out what a slut actually was and told her about 5 years later. she nearly of a heart attack she laughed so much. she survived for another ten years after that but still referrred to everyone as a slut.

i was going out with a young man from Tipperary and i was telling her about him one xmas eve over drinks in the pub. she turned around and looked at me completely seriously and said "Men from Tipperary are only into two things; fast women and fast cars" - everyone looked at her gobsmacked. she just continued on drinking!

Foxhound38

My cousin from Sligo was studying in Trinity a few years back, and staying with my Grandfather at the time. While at college, he must have signed a petition from the Socialist Workers Party or something because a letter from them came in the post for him at some stage. When my grandfather saw it addressed to him, he immediately called my Aunt (the cousins mother) and told her to come down to Dublin right away, and that it was an emergency but he wouldnt get into it on the phone. After the most nervous 3 hour car journey of my Aunts life, she didnt know whether to laugh or cry when she called into him and he was brandishing the letter exclaiming that he called her all the way down because he thinks "John might be a Communist!"

mirwillbeback

Funniest I have ever heard - " Hurry, my husband is back from from his incontinence training "

MizzLolly

My grandad is the sweetest man you could meet. He's mad into his poetry and music, very traditional.

So one day not so long ago he was drinking his tea and reading the newspaper. He takes a sip, puts the paper down and says, ''Make sure you keep your pyjamas on. You don't wana be catching anything off those boys in UCD''.


:eek::eek: