Funniest thing youve heard from the elderly?

Peteee · 24-03-2009 01:04PM

Was visiting my granny in her nursing home a year back. She's 95 or thereabouts.

She was explaining how she was getting to know a new woman across the hall and she says "Ah she's really nice...for a protestant like". I nearly had to leave the room I was sniggering so much.

cjt156 · 24-03-2009 01:15PM

"Don't like those homophobics...well, its just not natural!"

banshee_bones · 24-03-2009 01:23PM

My friend was visiting his granny before he went interrailing few years back, so he brought his friend along that was going with him and grannys advice to the two of them was "mind yer arse over there dont want them french ******s getin ya"

Nearly died laughing when he told me!

Mister Robinson · 24-03-2009 01:26PM

When I was younger my Granny told me she used to work in the bank.......Washing all the bank notes

And I believed her :P

Sofiztikated · 24-03-2009 01:32PM

Just remembered one day when we were together for a family dinner when i was 16, my dad, who would have been 70 then, in the middle of me getting a slagging for not bringing a girl i kinda seeing but noone had met, said, "so who is she? Or he, if thats your thing. Its ok, lots of young fellas are doing that these days." I was mortified, as you would be at 16 when your dad just suggested your gay. Cue extended slagging from the rest of the family. Was funny though.

dan1895 · 24-03-2009 01:35PM

Was running for the luas in dundrum and run pass this old dear going home with her shopping, I must have startled the poor thing because she turns round and roars
"ya little f****** c***" and carries on.
Everyone on the street was left gobsmacked

Aodan83 · 24-03-2009 01:54PM

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Just remembered one day when we were together for a family dinner when i was 16, my dad, who would have been 70 then, in the middle of me getting a slagging for not bringing a girl i kinda seeing but noone had met, said, "so who is she? Or he, if thats your thing. Its ok, lots of young fellas are doing that these days." I was mortified, as you would be at 16 when your dad just suggested your gay. Cue extended slagging from the rest of the family. Was funny though.

Wow, your dad was old. fair play to him. Legend though. I lold:D

Kazooie · 24-03-2009 02:00PM

Watchin a tennis match between the two Williams sisters, venus and Serena. Grandad watches for about silentlly for 5 minutes before delivering this Gem:
'Jesus they're a different breed altogether'.

Sofiztikated · 24-03-2009 02:03PM

Yep, he was. Viril too, father of 6 boys and 2 girls, me being the youngest, with a 25 year gap between the youngest and oldest. Great man, i miss him. Funny ****er too. Have many other stories too, but can't remember any at the moment.

damselnat · 24-03-2009 02:23PM

Mister Robinson wrote: »

When I was younger my Granny told me she used to work in the bank.......Washing all the bank notes

money laundrying?

the bolt · 24-03-2009 02:39PM

mickos wrote: »

Was sitting at the bar in my local pub a few months back. An elderly guy about 70ish on 1 side of me and a young fella with down syndrome on the other side with his uncle. The elderly guy turns and says to me "who's the mongrel chap beside you":eek:. I didn't know what to say. Total shocker.

i remember years ago going to meet my then boss one sunday morning to give him some time sheets.as i had a smoke i noticed half a joint in my fag box,thought i better get rid of it so i went to the jacks and smoked it.after i came out i called a drink ,owner of the pub served the drink minus my pint and said we dont serve junkies in here ,that will be £12.40 or whatever it was and just left me sitting in front of my boss like a pri*k.:o

Mister Robinson · 24-03-2009 02:53PM

damselnat wrote: »

money laundrying?

So thats why she own's a big house....

Julesie · 24-03-2009 02:54PM

My gran is still a little confused on this whole credit crunch business..

"And they said that global warming was only the weather, look what its done to the banks!"

Ah bless. She is 87 today and absolutely mental. She also stopped eating fish when those sailors drowned off the coast of wexford a few years back. She was convinced there would be traces of them in her Birdseye Cod!

Dan133269 · 24-03-2009 05:18PM

I remember watching questions and answers years ago. They were having some kind of a religious debate. Towards the end of it, John Bowman brings in the audience, one ole biddy at the back puts up her hand and says "everyone here is talking about Jesus, but you have to remember Jesus and Jesus Christ are two different people". Cue a silence and then "ok" from John Bowman.

Old woman in supermarket where I was working asked me where the "Febreze" was, I showed it to her and she said "No. Febreze". I'm thinking wtf? eventually turns out she was looking for "vaporesse". Her pronunciation skills weren't the best. Ah old people, the source of so much amusement. They should be isolated and studied to help us younger generations, what was that Homer Simpson quote again?

Motorbreath · 24-03-2009 05:22PM

I was with my elderly grandfather and grandmother on their first trip on the Luas. My grandfather saw a man of Middle Eastern origin 'playing on his phone' so he immediately made us get off at the next stop and wait for the next one.

The reason?
He looked like he might have been trying to blow up the Luas

admiralofthefleet · 24-03-2009 05:27PM

my late uncle and late grandfather used to always meet on xmas morning for a few whiskeys. one time a good few years ago my uncle was ill and was using traxam for his pain. however after a few balls of malt he asked my grandfather to pass him his tampax. me and my brothers looked at each other and desperately tried to hold in the laughter

toodelies · 24-03-2009 05:38PM

my grandmother died last year and i still miss her madly. she had some cracking sayings:

every female was a "slut" - even when i was 4 and i had done something stupid she's roar "get out of that you dirty slut" - when i was 15 i figured out what a slut actually was and told her about 5 years later. she nearly of a heart attack she laughed so much. she survived for another ten years after that but still referrred to everyone as a slut.

i was going out with a young man from Tipperary and i was telling her about him one xmas eve over drinks in the pub. she turned around and looked at me completely seriously and said "Men from Tipperary are only into two things; fast women and fast cars" - everyone looked at her gobsmacked. she just continued on drinking!

Foxhound38 · 24-03-2009 05:57PM

My cousin from Sligo was studying in Trinity a few years back, and staying with my Grandfather at the time. While at college, he must have signed a petition from the Socialist Workers Party or something because a letter from them came in the post for him at some stage. When my grandfather saw it addressed to him, he immediately called my Aunt (the cousins mother) and told her to come down to Dublin right away, and that it was an emergency but he wouldnt get into it on the phone. After the most nervous 3 hour car journey of my Aunts life, she didnt know whether to laugh or cry when she called into him and he was brandishing the letter exclaiming that he called her all the way down because he thinks "John might be a Communist!"

mirwillbeback · 24-03-2009 05:59PM

Funniest I have ever heard - " Hurry, my husband is back from from his incontinence training "

MizzLolly · 24-03-2009 07:08PM

My grandad is the sweetest man you could meet. He's mad into his poetry and music, very traditional.

So one day not so long ago he was drinking his tea and reading the newspaper. He takes a sip, puts the paper down and says, ''Make sure you keep your pyjamas on. You don't wana be catching anything off those boys in UCD''.

:eek::eek:

Tarzan_man · 24-03-2009 07:28PM

One of the funniest things I've heard from the elderly comes from my friend's granny.

He was watching emerdale or some other soap on with her and some guy was kissing a black girl. He said under his breath "lucky bollocks" as the girl was quiet the stunner. His gran heard this and went "what? what do you mean?". He knowing that she was that type of elderly racist played along with it and said that the girl was quiet good looking and sure that he himself even had a black girlfriend he was getting pretty serious with. Her reply was:

"Take a good look around this house, because if you bring a 'friesian' into this world. It's the last time you'll see it.

Note: friesian is a black and white cow. she's a bogger.

marcsignal · 24-03-2009 08:30PM

years ago my folks and a few aunts and uncles were talking about crime at a family get together, and they were reminissing about the 'Moors Murderers' because Moira Hindlys case was coming up for parole.
An old aunt was infuriated that a child murderer should get parole and said:

"If that woman had killed my child, I'd go straight into the courtroom with a gun and shoot her in the box" (meaning the witness box)

garrincha62 · 24-03-2009 11:35PM

dublinario wrote: »

I suppose he didn't know anything about that whole Mandela thing either? How convenient (give me a break).

Hmmm, come to think of it isn't it just like saying that all the English didn't know about the Birmingham Six. (Give me a break you tool)

galwayrush · 24-03-2009 11:38PM

Not exactly sure what what the old person said, but an old guy who lived near me started arguing with someone on the TV and then fetched his shotgun and blasted the Telly .

pipsqueak · 24-03-2009 11:41PM

Saw an auld boy with a bumper sticker saying" Im retired go around me"!

Latchy · 24-03-2009 11:45PM

When they pop in for a quick vist and say ' I cant stay long ' then proceed to spend the next 3 hrs , going off on tangents , telling you in micoscopic detail , about what they did with whom ,on a particular day 40 years ago .

Then just as the are about to leave ( and this is the best bit ) they say
'' Jeeze, there isin't enough hrs in the day to do every thing ''

:eek: Jeeze give me Patience :rolleyes:

small · 24-03-2009 11:45PM

"And do you know what.... he hit her.... and he wasn't even married to her!"

Lilyblue · 25-03-2009 12:23AM

My boss was in his 70's and used to call me his little vixon! Not in a creepy way, he was a true gentleman, really funny & always came out with some great one liners! Miss him

At a family party my Nanny, who is 85 was dancing to Maniac - one of the funniest things I ever saw!

Thoie · 25-03-2009 12:38AM

My poor granny, after a couple of strokes, was introducing me to one of the nurses, who was standing on the other side of the bed.

"Have you met Maria?"
"Yes granny, I met her last time"
"Oh right. She's black you know."

That was around the same time she would announce all the granchildren's jobs to people in various ways. The best one was my cousin was working on a building site at the time. She'd tell people in a confidential whisper that "He's building his 4th hotel now". She also told people that another cousin ran UCD.

kazza81 · 25-03-2009 12:58AM

My grandfather - RIP - loved their old dog(also RIP) who was a lassie/collie dog. The dog used to hang around with an old alsatian down the street, they were always together.

One day the my grandfather heard a noise at the front door, he went to check and here was the alsation sitting outside the front door, grandad just looked at him and said "he's not going out" and closed the door.

Funniest thing youve heard from the elderly?

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