Am I wrong?

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:00pm #1

Been with my missus 6months and she acts like an idiot but sometimes I wonder if it's me thats the idiot.

This is one example of many.

I had plans to go out on paddy's nite with the lads, I had given myself Mon,Tue and Wed off work so it was all planned for a month.
I asked the missus if she will come out with me and the lads. She said no and I asked her a few times to come out but she kept saying she has to work the next day.
I said alrite grand well I'll bring you to the parade in town and we spend half the day together and than ill head off.
She than said ill go with you if you will leave at 9pm, 9PM on PADDYS NITE.
I said no way am I leaving at that time especially when its been planned for ages, havent been out with lads on proper nite out in 2months.
I than turned around and said if you come out we can leave at 11pm. In my opinion that was a very generous off considering the circumstances.
No she wasnt happy and started shouting saying we always have to do what I want and I can't compromise.

I went to the parade when I didnt want to, did it for her.

I said 11pm which is a compromise and very generous one given the circumstances.

I'm looking for a female perspective on this as all the lads agree with me but that doesnt fix it. Am i missing out on something/

LegacyUser · 19-03-2009 12:05pm

You seem to have a very fair point, but she must have some reason for being like that. Did she know beforehand that you had been planning the night out for so long? Seems more like a communication problem to me than anytihing else (from the limited info in your post).

puglover · 19-03-2009 12:08pm

Well from what you've said it all sounds fair enough, good compromise was offered etc.

Out of interest, when was the last time you both had a proper night out together??

shellyboo · 19-03-2009 12:13pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Been with my missus 6months and she acts like an idiot but sometimes I wonder if it's me thats the idiot.

This is one example of many.

I had plans to go out on paddy's nite with the lads, I had given myself Mon,Tue and Wed off work so it was all planned for a month.
I asked the missus if she will come out with me and the lads. She said no and I asked her a few times to come out but she kept saying she has to work the next day.
I said alrite grand well I'll bring you to the parade in town and we spend half the day together and than ill head off.
She than said ill go with you if you will leave at 9pm, 9PM on PADDYS NITE.
I said no way am I leaving at that time especially when its been planned for ages, havent been out with lads on proper nite out in 2months.
I than turned around and said if you come out we can leave at 11pm. In my opinion that was a very generous off considering the circumstances.
No she wasnt happy and started shouting saying we always have to do what I want and I can't compromise.

I went to the parade when I didnt want to, did it for her.

I said 11pm which is a compromise and very generous one given the circumstances.

I'm looking for a female perspective on this as all the lads agree with me but that doesnt fix it. Am i missing out on something/

It was pretty unfair of her to ask you to curtail your night out... but stupid of you to ask her out for a mad one when she has work the next day.

You asked for two full days off work to go out with the lads, it seems... did you make any plans with HER for those tow extra days? Apart from a last-minute thing with teh parade? What about Monday night? You could have taken her out then and neither of you would have had to get up the next day.

She shouldn't be interfering in your plans with your friends... but it's possible she felt a little neglected or hurt that you took time off for the lads and not for her, if you know what I mean.

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:13pm

Ok bloke here but...:)

Did you go out in the end? IMHO you should have. Compromise goes both ways, but all too often when people talk of compromise, they mean it entirely from their side. From your telling of it, you spent the day together and asked her to come with you on a pre arranged night out. When she wasn't up for that(which is fine), you further compromised to cut your night short.

If she still didn't want to go I would have said "OK it's a pity, I would like to have you there, but maybe the early night would be better for you" and then I would have gone out. I would have texted her later to see how she was. If she was in a strop, TBH I would just ignore it, or at least not play into it.

If she was the same the next day, I would still ignore it as getting into it can often escalate and plug into more of the same. If she kept pushing she would be told calmly but in no uncertain terms, that this wasn't on. If she was this way consistently and I took a good hard look at my behaviour and on balance found I was treating her well and compromising, then I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Life is too short and I don't like anyone pushing my boundaries or looking for more than is due in a healthy well balanced relationship.

My 2 cents anyway.

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:14pm

Proper proper night out was our 1st date 8months ago. But, I keep asking her will we go out and she says I have no money. I offer to pay for her and she wont take it.

That's not really the problem though. I think she's trying to get me to show her that I care. I don't wear my feelings on my sleeve, I would do things more so than say things if you get me? She wants me to say things and buy her flowers. Whereas Im more the make you dinner and prepare bubble bath for afterwords which I dont think she appreciates.
The relationship feels like I'm being tested on things, like shes got notebook and pen sitting in the corner.

puglover wrote: »

Well from what you've said it all sounds fair enough, good compromise was offered etc.

Out of interest, when was the last time you both had a proper night out together??

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:14pm

shellyboo wrote: »

You asked for two full days off work to go out with the lads, it seems... did you make any plans with HER for those tow extra days? Apart from a last-minute thing with teh parade? What about Monday night? You could have taken her out then and neither of you would have had to get up the next day.

Good point. If this is the case then it puts a different slant to it.

shellyboo · 19-03-2009 12:17pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

That's not really the problem though. I think she's trying to get me to show her that I care.

...

The relationship feels like I'm being tested on things, like shes got notebook and pen sitting in the corner.

Hmm. It's a hard one to call. She could be testing you alright... some women do that kind of crap. "If he REALLY loved me he'd go out with me instead of the lads" type thing. It's not pleasant.

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:17pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

That's not really the problem though. I think she's trying to get me to show her that I care. I don't wear my feelings on my sleeve, I would do things more so than say things if you get me? She wants me to say things and buy her flowers. Whereas Im more the make you dinner and prepare bubble bath for afterwords which I dont think she appreciates.

Maybe compromise a little there, if you can. Tell her more rather than do more. OK I would say doing more is better, but some people need to hear it, especially a lot of women from an emotional standpoint.

The relationship feels like I'm being tested on things, like shes got notebook and pen sitting in the corner.

Been there too. To an extreme degree once. A pain after a while.

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:20pm

All the lads said the exact same as you Wibbs. Unfortantly has no impression on her. Hopefully with a womans opinion on the matter I could use to show her. And maybe at the same time enlighten me on my mistakes.

Wibbs wrote: »

Ok bloke here but...:)

Did you go out in the end? IMHO you should have. Compromise goes both ways, but all too often when people talk of compromise, they mean it entirely from their side. From your telling of it, you spent the day together and asked her to come with you on a pre arranged night out. When she wasn't up for that(which is fine), you further compromised to cut your night short.

If she still didn't want to go I would have said "OK it's a pity, I would like to have you there, but maybe the early night would be better for you" and then I would have gone out. I would have texted her later to see how she was. If she was in a strop, TBH I would just ignore it, or at least not play into it.

If she was the same the next day, I would still ignore it as getting into it can often escalate and plug into more of the same. If she kept pushing she would be told calmly but in no uncertain terms, that this wasn't on. If she was this way consistently and I took a good hard look at my behaviour and on balance found I was treating her well and compromising, then I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Life is too short and I don't like anyone pushing my boundaries or looking for more than is due in a healthy well balanced relationship.

My 2 cents anyway.

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:21pm

shellyboo wrote: »

Hmm. It's a hard one to call. She could be testing you alright... some women do that kind of crap. "If he REALLY loved me he'd go out with me instead of the lads" type thing. It's not pleasant.

I'm glad you said it;):) Yes this seems to be a common one with some women. Maybe men do it? I dunno. I don't go out with men, but most women I've been with have done this boundary testing lark to some degree or other. I see it with women mates of mine. They would never do it with me as I'm a friend, but they do it with their partners quite a bit. I've seen them do it in front of me and I'm thinking "OK space alien, stop possessing my mate". At a healthy level it's fine, even welcome I would say. keeps me on my toes, but when it strays into fighting for leverage or looking for something to complain about, that's when the "Dear Jane" letter gets written.

ellie1 · 19-03-2009 12:22pm

Maybe you should have arranged to do something with her however i think it is important that you spend time with your friends alone. you did ask her out with you and it appears you do do things to show her you care about her. And you compromised. I love taking a weekend off and going on holidays with my friends as well as taking a week or two off to go on holidays with o/h.

I dont think you were in the wrong at all. We all need our friends and most sucessful relationships work better when the people involved do things seperately and grow as people sepretelty as well as together.

Oh The Humanity · 19-03-2009 12:23pm

Ehm, I could be missing something obvious here, but why could she not just have gone home herself at 9pm or 11pm and let you continue on yourself......

All she had to do was pop herself in a taxi and no problem, I dont get it....

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:27pm

I'm a layed back guy right, if you do something I dont mind, it wouldnt bother me too much.

She smokes, and i let her smoke in my house.
I drink, she will give out to me about the smell!

Like FFS give me a break.

I'm a Sales manager and have alot of pressure on me at work etc so that's why im layed back on my time off and dont want to listen to moaning as I spend 70% of my time in work moaning at people.

She's hypocritical and when I compare things, shes like its not the same. We are broken up now over this stupid fiasco. And shes looking for an apology from me. I do care about the girl, but sometimes principals get the better of me. I'm a stubborn guy so I dont see myself saying sorry for something i havent done wrong.

shellyboo · 19-03-2009 12:28pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I'm glad you said it;):) Yes this seems to be a common one with some women. Maybe men do it? I dunno. I don't go out with men, but most women I've been with have done this boundary testing lark to some degree or other. I see it with women mates of mine. They would never do it with me as I'm a friend, but they do it with their partners quite a bit. I've seen them do it in front of me and I'm thinking "OK space alien, stop possessing my mate". At a healthy level it's fine, even welcome I would say. keeps me on my toes, but when it strays into fighting for leverage or looking for something to complain about, that's when the "Dear Jane" letter gets written.

I've never had a guy do it with me, no.

Leverage is an interesting way of looking at it... women wanting to see how much control they have, maybe.

Or it could be something as simple as priorities. Every woman wants to know she's up there as top priority. Perhaps in taking the days off so you could go out with your mates as opposed to spending time with her, she felt somehow less important than them... so when you asked her to come with you she tried to hijack it almost.

Tbh, if my partner had a 5-day weekend planned and none of those plans included me, I would be peeved. And "oh come out with us" doesn't count. I wouldn't do what your gf did though, I'd just say it to the poor bloke, he's not a mind reader.

I'm a bit torn on this one... she COULD be a possessive control freak or she could have legitimate grievance, lol :P

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:29pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

All the lads said the exact same as you Wibbs. Unfortantly has no impression on her. Hopefully with a womans opinion on the matter I could use to show her. And maybe at the same time enlighten me on my mistakes.

If you're thinking of showing her something from this thread I would advise do not do it. If you value your wobbly bits. You going "look, other women think you were wrong", will make her dig her heels in like a demon and you'll be creating drama, not solving it. Jesus, no way. You're already telling her she's wrong. Point out what strangers are saying as well? Good luck. I'll bring flowers to the funeral. OK maybe she is wrong, but somewhere deep dwon she knows she's acting a bit OTT. Reinforcing that will as I say just dig her heels in.

You wanna dial down the drama? OK IMHO, agree with her. Agree that the weekend went differently to how you hoped it would be and you were sorry she wasn't with you. Agree with her that staying out late was a bad bet for her, but remind her that you had arranged this for a long while and wanted to go out. Agree that you understand her position. Then tell her that you would like to hear how she feels about it. Then shut up and let her talk. The only noise form you should be "mkaay/oh right/hmmm". Listen to her. Do not interrupt and especially dont interrupt with solutions that you come up with. Just let her talk it out. Then afterward thank her for letting you know what's what and suggest that she should bring this up when ever she needs to and you'll listen. then bring her for a coffee/beer.

Sinall · 19-03-2009 12:30pm

IMO it sounds like she just got annoyed as you had plans with the lads instead of her. I don't think she should have asked you to leave at 9pm or expected you to curtail your night out. As long as you two make time for each other regularly there shouldn't be a problem here. I'm sure you wouldn't react the same way if she had plans with her friends?

Sounds like she is pushing you to show/demonstrate your feelings. You have to stand up for yourself though and establish some ground rules for what works and what doesn't work in your relationship - so you both know where you stand.

She could easily have gone out and just gone home earlier than you - no need for a fuss!

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:31pm

Hi Humanity are you bloke or girl?

Touchy topic. I would never suggest that to any woman as I would probably be in the A&E instead of the pub.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Ehm, I could be missing something obvious here, but why could she not just have gone home herself at 9pm or 11pm and let you continue on yourself......

All she had to do was pop herself in a taxi and no problem, I dont get it....

ellie1 · 19-03-2009 12:31pm

Sorry i am confused. The two of you have broken up because you couldnt reach a compromise and went home at eleven on Paddys Day or did you end up going out on your own... Did you not go out?

aye · 19-03-2009 12:34pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

No she wasnt happy and started shouting saying we always have to do what I want and I can't compromise.

shellyboo wrote: »

You asked for two full days off work to go out with the lads, it seems... did you make any plans with HER for those tow extra days? Apart from a last-minute thing with teh parade? What about Monday night? You could have taken her out then and neither of you would have had to get up the next day.

She shouldn't be interfering in your plans with your friends... but it's possible she felt a little neglected or hurt that you took time off for the lads and not for her, if you know what I mean.

I'd say shellyboo has it right, she is prob annoyed by the fact that you took the two days to have a night out with your mates.
she says you always do things you want to do. ok you asked her out with your mates, she prob doesnt want to go on a boozy lads night out lets be honest. you said ok them we'll go to the parade, was she really that interested in the parade?

I dont think its fair of her to not want you to go out with your mates or anything like that dont get me wrong. i'd say she just felt a little under appreciated by you taking time off to make plans with your mates and not plans with her.
have you taken a day off work recently to just chill with her, or bring her somewhere for a day or anything?

shellyboo · 19-03-2009 12:34pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Touchy topic. I would never suggest that to any woman as I would probably be in the A&E instead of the pub.

You wouldn't suggest that she go home on her own and let you stay out on a lad's night out?! If she'd freak out over something THAT trivial then something is badly wrong.

Sinall · 19-03-2009 12:34pm

Do you want to salvage the relationship Blue Wolf?

Wibbs · 19-03-2009 12:37pm

shellyboo wrote: »

Leverage is an interesting way of looking at it... women wanting to see how much control they have, maybe.

TBH I think it's a weak gobsheen filter tm. They push to see a mans boundaries and see how constant and emotionally stable he is and see how insightful he is. If he can see her point of view, take it on board, stick to his own guns, yet with some compromise and not escalate into a slanging match, well then he's likely a guy worth a punt long term. Seems very sensible and logical to me actually. My women mates don't do that with me as they're not seeing me in that way, so there's much less pressure and risk. They're not considering settling down and having kids with me.

But.......

I'm a bit torn on this one... she COULD be a possessive control freak or she could have legitimate grievance, lol :P

Yep that's the thing. Trying to spot whether she's doing the "test", or if he's being inattentive. I know personally there were times I thought I was being tested, but no I was being a prick.

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:37pm

Haha wibbs no I was definitly not gona show her this forum. No I just need to know from a womans perspective whether Im being an idiot or if I'm right.
Like I said I'm a stubborn guy but I'm first to stand up and admit when I'm wrong but she can't and it annoys me. Im a 50:50 guy. No that does not mean i will pay for half the meal or I paid last time so its you turn. No I mean that I want to see that the other half is putting in as much as I am...in every sense if you get me.

If I dont mind her smoking than I should really get the same back. She doesnt drive and I have to pick her up and sometimes spend an hour in traffic to get her M50!! And than she expects me to cook when we get back to mine. Stuff like that, that really does my head in.

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:39pm

She snapped and broke up with me. To answer the other question by someone else whether I want to salvage the relationship. Yes and no, I care about her but if it has to be this hard than is it really worth it? Have enough stress in my life as it is.

ellie1 wrote: »

Sorry i am confused. The two of you have broken up because you couldnt reach a compromise and went home at eleven on Paddys Day or did you end up going out on your own... Did you not go out?

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:43pm

Ya she's polish and she's never seen the parade before. I miss irish women, they are more understanding!

i think

ellie1 · 19-03-2009 12:45pm

I dont you should apoligise as you didnt do anything wrong. Maybe it is one them things where she wants you to show her how much you care but it seems you already do by cooking her dinner, driving her places etc. It seems to me this issue has brought up a number of other isues such as you feeling you do more than your fair share in this relationship.

Maybe this isnt about you at all , has she something else stressful in her life to make her appear so unreasonable..

shellyboo · 19-03-2009 12:47pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Ya she's polish and she's never seen the parade before. I miss irish women, they are more understanding! i think

OMG, we've come full circle!!! :eek:

:pac::D:p

On balance, she does sound a bit... high maintenance, shall we say. It's something I have heard from quite a few men with Eastern European gfs. Like you said above... you have to decide if it's worth the stress.

No relationship can be stress-free - you can't dismiss any woman's complaints 100% of the time just because "you get enough stress at work"... but if the complaints are about ridiculous things like you going out with your mates or the smell of drink on your breath, then that's hassle you don't need, as far as I'm concerned.

consultech · 19-03-2009 12:47pm

Females are uncompromising in reality shocker!

ManOfMystery · 19-03-2009 12:49pm

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Haha wibbs no I was definitly not gona show her this forum. No I just need to know from a womans perspective whether Im being an idiot or if I'm right.
Like I said I'm a stubborn guy but I'm first to stand up and admit when I'm wrong but she can't and it annoys me. Im a 50:50 guy. No that does not mean i will pay for half the meal or I paid last time so its you turn. No I mean that I want to see that the other half is putting in as much as I am...in every sense if you get me.

If I dont mind her smoking than I should really get the same back. She doesnt drive and I have to pick her up and sometimes spend an hour in traffic to get her M50!! And than she expects me to cook when we get back to mine. Stuff like that, that really does my head in.

My ex was very like this - double standards. Expected things of me which she wouldn't do herself, and even though I treated her very well she still gave me a hard time. In the end it was just too much work. Going out with a very laid back girl now and it's been a breath of fresh air for me. If she's not prepared to see things from your point of view, then I don't see much future in it.

Blue_Wolf · 19-03-2009 12:50pm

Ya she's very stressed out at the moment. She misses her family back home. She's jealous that I'm able to go to my parents and stay the night with them. She's stressed out that she might be losing her job.

To be honest she's been like this from nearly the start so I dont think it's got to with her being stressed out.

ellie1 wrote: »

I dont you should apoligise as you didnt do anything wrong. Maybe it is one them things where she wants you to show her how much you care but it seems you already do by cooking her dinner, driving her places etc. It seems to me this issue has brought up a number of other isues such as you feeling you do more than your fair share in this relationship.

Maybe this isnt about you at all , has she something else stressful in her life to make her appear so unreasonable..

Am I wrong?

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