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Am I wrong?

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13

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    #62
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Shelly, i know what constitutes taking someone out, emm but when you spend so many days with someone and 5 of those days are during your working days so your tired and dont have much time.

    Ah, but you have time to go out with the lads though, twice in the past week.

    Even I'd be annoyed at that.
    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    I offer money but she says she doesnt want it. It's like morse code. Maybe shes giving me signal trying to say something but like just be upfront and say it. Im not interested in playing games when im tired.


    Unfortunately, you being tired doesn't mean you get a pass on dealing with issues in your relationship. We're all tired... if my partner has a problem I wake up and deal with it.

    If she's not going to be upfront, you have to be. Tell her you're taking her out this weekend, your treat, she can choose where you want to go. If she starts throwing excuses at you, you can call her on it.


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    #63
    aye
    Closed Accounts Posts: 991 ✭✭✭aye


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    And as I have pointed out already is that I have asked to come out with me like just the 2 of us because i didnt want to stay at home and she has within the last month said no 3/4 times because she is too tired or has no money and i have offered to pay and shes no. So maybe she doesnt want to go out but is just not giving me the truth to why she doesnt want to go out.

    yeh i saw that after i posted.
    I dunno OP, seems you are asking her to come out and she is saying no, then giving out that you havent been out in a month, bit mad.
    what was going out entailing?


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    #64
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    Different for every person isnt it?

    Going out for me is doing something together regardless of whether its cinema,walking in the park, dinner or clubbing.

    Maybe for some people its getting dressed up and being brought for dinner and than drinking after. You cant say oh you have money to drink with the lads but you cant take the missus out. I got out with the lads and have 4 pints its 20euro. Take the missus out can cost me over 150euro. meal for 2 and than going out on the tiles :)


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    #65
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Different for every person isnt it?

    Going out for me is doing something together regardless of whether its cinema,walking in the park, dinner or clubbing.

    Maybe for some people its getting dressed up and being brought for dinner and than drinking after. You cant say oh you have money to drink with the lads but you cant take the missus out. I got out with the lads and have 4 pints its 20euro. Take the missus out can cost me over 150euro. meal for 2 and than going out on the tiles :)

    You only had 4 pints and you were in the pub for 7 hours on Saturday? Likewise, Paddy's day, 4 pints was it? Honestly?

    It's not about the money, it's about the time. You've spent two nights out with the lads in the past week and - as she sees it - none with her. Tell her you're taking her out... if she refuses then you have another issue, I guess.


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    #66
    aye
    Closed Accounts Posts: 991 ✭✭✭aye


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Different for every person isnt it?

    Going out for me is doing something together regardless of whether its cinema,walking in the park, dinner or clubbing.

    Maybe for some people its getting dressed up and being brought for dinner and than drinking after. You cant say oh you have money to drink with the lads but you cant take the missus out. I got out with the lads and have 4 pints its 20euro. Take the missus out can cost me over 150euro. meal for 2 and than going out on the tiles :)

    you had 4 pints in 7 hours on saturday?
    and 4 pints all night on tuesday?

    just trying to give you a view of her possible perspective, tho i am specualting at it, could be time could be money i dunno.

    realistically, you just have to talk to her about it really.

    150 euro, take her to eddies next time! lol


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    #67
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    I didnt spend 7hours in the pub, thats her exagerating things to sharpen her sword. I watched the manu match. 2hours, watched the whales match and than the Irish match. 5hours roughly in total. And yes only had 4 pints, I went there to enjoy the football and the rugby. The pints i enjoy but i dont drink to get drunk. She was in work when this happened.

    Paddys day clearly i had more than 4 pints.

    Unfortunatly she doesnt like Eddies :p

    shellyboo wrote: »
    You only had 4 pints and you were in the pub for 7 hours on Saturday? Likewise, Paddy's day, 4 pints was it? Honestly?

    It's not about the money, it's about the time. You've spent two nights out with the lads in the past week and - as she sees it - none with her. Tell her you're taking her out... if she refuses then you have another issue, I guess.


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    #68
    aye
    Closed Accounts Posts: 991 ✭✭✭aye


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Unfortunatly she doesnt like Eddies :p


    WHAT!! she defo crazy :D


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    #69
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    aye wrote: »
    WHAT!! she defo crazy :D


    Cheesy bacon fries like come on who can not love them????:D


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    #70
    ellie1
    Registered Users Posts: 360 ✭✭ellie1


    Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship?


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    #71
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    ellie1 wrote: »
    Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship?


    Things are great when we dont argue, so maybe im looking for hope :pac:

    Have to say very impressed with the high volume of reponses to this topic. All you guys are such love guru's. I'd fancy myself as one of them...maybe all the problems would be avoided :pac:


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    #72
    consultech
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,956 ✭✭✭consultech


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Things are great when we dont argue, so maybe im looking for hope :pac:

    Have to say very impressed with the high volume of reponses to this topic. All you guys are such love guru's. I'd fancy myself as one of them...maybe all the problems would be avoided :pac:

    Meh, don't be silly. People know what "should" be done and the "ideal" set-up in relationships, but 99% fail to hold themselves up to the same standard. If everyone in this thread were such "love guru's", they wouldn't be posting relationship advice on the internet, myself included.

    Dont be so hard on yourself.


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    #73
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    Blue_Wolf wrote: »
    Have to say very impressed with the high volume of reponses to this topic. All you guys are such love guru's. I'd fancy myself as one of them...maybe all the problems would be avoided :pac:

    That's because everyone here are clueless twats who made every mistake in the book and learned that way, myself included :P

    She's polish, and im a bloke so im going to assume she's a cracker ;) That's what's keeping you there at the moment. But have a chat with her. It reminds me a lot of a girl I went out with before. We had it all out and we could never agree. At all. We broke up in the end and it was probably for the best. you need to see if this is the case otherwise there's no point in continuting the relationship.


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    #74
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    Ah no I was being sarcastic in last part. But do genuinely think that the advice is good. It's good to get a womans side to this because i can be wrong as well and sometimes it's hard to admit when the other person is wrong as well.

    I have learned how to throw knives masterfully in the last 4months :D


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    #75
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    Some of the best looking girls I have seen were Irish so what makes you think because she's polish than she's automatically a cracker? :pac:
    But ya she's very nice ;)

    I dont think she's high maintenance when it comes to money but she high maintenance more so when it comes to emotion if yaz get me?


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    #76
    herya
    Registered Users Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    Being Polish myself maybe I can offer a bit of a different perspective on things...

    It looks like she's craving for attention and is not getting it as your way of expressing it is taking her out for an ovepriced meal when you have money and not spending any quality time when you're broke. Take her out to Bray or Howth walk her hand in hand on the beach and buy her an ice cream ffs! And remember compliments are free.

    At the same time you do have time and (some) money to spend with the lads more than once a week. Tbh going out with the lads is hardly attractive for a girl so asking her along is a waste of time if not rubbing salt in the wound. I'm with shellyboo on this, you had 5 days off and you haven't planned anything with her in advance, only when caught? Tsk tsk!

    Also on a cultural difference note, the whole "going out with lads" thing on such a scale (being the main entertainment slash social event in the week) might be sort of alien to her. One Polish girl I knew broke up with her Irish bf because of this and her only comment was "I'm looking for a man not a lad".

    She doesn't sound like she's after money but she definitely wants attention. Think what she gets from this relationship?
    - You don't tell her you love her, hell maybe you don't love her at all
    - You don't spend quality time with her
    - But you spend it with someone else
    - Your defense is that you're stressed and tired at work (aren't we all but we don't take it out on others)
    - You're stubborn and you won't meet her half way

    Think long and hard if you want her back or maybe you're better off staying apart?


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    #77
    Oh The Humanity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,324 ✭✭✭Oh The Humanity


    herya wrote: »
    Being Polish myself maybe I can offer a bit of a different perspective on things...

    It looks like she's craving for attention and is not getting it as your way of expressing it is taking her out for an ovepriced meal when you have money and not spending any quality time when you're broke. Take her out to Bray or Howth walk her hand in hand on the beach and buy her an ice cream ffs! And remember compliments are free.

    At the same time you do have time and (some) money to spend with the lads more than once a week. Tbh going out with the lads is hardly attractive for a girl so asking her along is a waste of time if not rubbing salt in the wound. I'm with shellyboo on this, you had 5 days off and you haven't planned anything with her in advance, only when caught? Tsk tsk!

    Also on a cultural difference note, the whole "going out with lads" thing on such a scale (being the main entertainment slash social event in the week) might be sort of alien to her. One Polish girl I knew broke up with her Irish bf because of this and her only comment was "I'm looking for a man not a lad".

    She doesn't sound like she's after money but she definitely wants attention. Think what she gets from this relationship?
    - You don't tell her you love her, hell maybe you don't love her at all
    - You don't spend quality time with her
    - But you spend it with someone else
    - Your defense is that you're stressed and tired at work (aren't we all but we don't take it out on others)
    - You're stubborn and you won't meet her half way

    Think long and hard if you want her back or maybe you're better off staying apart?

    I find myself agreeing with this post. I've changed my mind somewhat since the original post.

    It was when you mentioned she is rejecting offers of money I think I can see that she is no gold digger or high maintenance demanding type. I think as heyra rightly states whats eating her is the lack of the mention of love after 7 months.

    Everyone comes to it in their own time of course but I think its slightly disingenuous to just bluntly state 'I can make myself fall in love' -obviously I 100% concur with the sentiment, you can not make yourself fall in love but if you aren't feeling the love or even feeling it coming down the line then you need to stop messing with her.

    But if after 7 months in a relationship with someone you dont seem to even have addressed that issue at all with even yourself never mind her, well I can see how she is getting skittish.

    I think she is in love with you and miserable because you are perhaps enjoying that upper hand a little bit too long. If you dont love her and you dont think you are going to love her I think all round it would be fairer to let her go.


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    #78
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think she over reacted, as a female i think your compromise was fair, but it depends on how much time ye spend together and how often ye see each other. If my boyfriend who lives down the country came up to dublin to see me and then announced he was going out with the lads, it would be row, but if it was prearranged and i knew about it i'd go with him no problem.


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    #79
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    Czesc herya

    We argue nearly the same time every 2 weeks and i find it hard to fall in love with someone who moans. I dont live with my parents because i couldnt put up with the constant moaning. I never try to compromise with her. If she wants to do something i will do it for her and we do it for as long as she likes. But once its something i want to do that she doesnt than she has to try and compromise to suit her better. In all fairness it was only in the last 2 weeks i have gone out with the lads 3times. In the last 6months before that i have gone out 4 times with them. So maybe you can see that I do spend alot of time with her.

    I understand the point and difference of a lad and a man. But surely going out having a laugh once a week maybe even compromise with once every 2 weeks does not make me less of a man.

    I feel sometimes that alot of our arguements are initiated by her because she has taken me up the wrong way so there is a communication barrier there although her english is perfect I just feel she may be comparing me to her previous boyfriends who were all polish and look on things a different way than an Irish guy does. I'm a very understanding person and I bite if I feel I'm being used by anyone. So ya there have been times that I myself may have over reacted because I constantly feel shes nagging at me or sometimes not giving me the 50%.

    You are right that she needs alot of attention but I'm with a woman not a pet. I would have got myself a nice golden retriever.
    I find the polish women to be alot more independent than Irish women of my age and that's what attracted me to her. My relationship being more work than my job is not what im looking for. It should be a comforting thing that relaxes me and stress me out more. I learn to close off. Dont take work home and dont let things bother me. So I dont talk to her or anyone else about problems at work really or oh the stress is getting to me. I dont because I dont want her to feel upset over it. But I'm seen as uncaring guy who doesnt want to share his feelings, I do, I just try to share the better ones instead.

    She's learning to drive at the moment and I drive with her 5 days per week. I went out on the saturday had 4 pints and she got annoyed because I didnt take her out driving. And calls me selfish for not taken out driving and I was only thinking of myself. She's quick to point out the faults and is as quick in forgetting what I have done for her which quite frankly out weighs these small pathetic things that she's picking on.

    I can fall in love but not when I feel that she is in the corner with her notepad and pen instead of being beside me. Instead of getting annoyed that I havent offered to take her for a walk in Bray why doesnt she ask me to take her for a walk in Bray.

    I'm not perfect by any means but I do consider myself a very fair and understanding guy, it annoys me that I have the curtosy to offer her that but she can't do so in return.

    herya wrote: »
    Being Polish myself maybe I can offer a bit of a different perspective on things...

    It looks like she's craving for attention and is not getting it as your way of expressing it is taking her out for an ovepriced meal when you have money and not spending any quality time when you're broke. Take her out to Bray or Howth walk her hand in hand on the beach and buy her an ice cream ffs! And remember compliments are free.

    At the same time you do have time and (some) money to spend with the lads more than once a week. Tbh going out with the lads is hardly attractive for a girl so asking her along is a waste of time if not rubbing salt in the wound. I'm with shellyboo on this, you had 5 days off and you haven't planned anything with her in advance, only when caught? Tsk tsk!

    Also on a cultural difference note, the whole "going out with lads" thing on such a scale (being the main entertainment slash social event in the week) might be sort of alien to her. One Polish girl I knew broke up with her Irish bf because of this and her only comment was "I'm looking for a man not a lad".

    She doesn't sound like she's after money but she definitely wants attention. Think what she gets from this relationship?
    - You don't tell her you love her, hell maybe you don't love her at all
    - You don't spend quality time with her
    - But you spend it with someone else
    - Your defense is that you're stressed and tired at work (aren't we all but we don't take it out on others)
    - You're stubborn and you won't meet her half way

    Think long and hard if you want her back or maybe you're better off staying apart?


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    #80
    SheRa
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,628 ✭✭✭SheRa


    herya wrote: »
    Being Polish myself maybe I can offer a bit of a different perspective on things...

    It looks like she's craving for attention and is not getting it as your way of expressing it is taking her out for an ovepriced meal when you have money and not spending any quality time when you're broke. Take her out to Bray or Howth walk her hand in hand on the beach and buy her an ice cream ffs! And remember compliments are free.

    At the same time you do have time and (some) money to spend with the lads more than once a week. Tbh going out with the lads is hardly attractive for a girl so asking her along is a waste of time if not rubbing salt in the wound. I'm with shellyboo on this, you had 5 days off and you haven't planned anything with her in advance, only when caught? Tsk tsk!

    Also on a cultural difference note, the whole "going out with lads" thing on such a scale (being the main entertainment slash social event in the week) might be sort of alien to her. One Polish girl I knew broke up with her Irish bf because of this and her only comment was "I'm looking for a man not a lad".

    She doesn't sound like she's after money but she definitely wants attention. Think what she gets from this relationship?
    - You don't tell her you love her, hell maybe you don't love her at all
    - You don't spend quality time with her
    - But you spend it with someone else
    - Your defense is that you're stressed and tired at work (aren't we all but we don't take it out on others)
    - You're stubborn and you won't meet her half way

    Think long and hard if you want her back or maybe you're better off staying apart?

    Blue Wolf I do think that you've been very good teaching her to drive, especially 5 days a week and that she overreacted to the paddy's day thing.

    But she sounds like she just wants to spend time with you, and maybe bringing up the meal idea is her way of the two of you getting to spend some "quality" time together. I know that sounds like such a stupid cliche, but actually looking at her, listening to her with no distractions such as the tv/radio is worth its weight in gold.

    On the other hand maybe you are just not pushed about being with her and should let her go so that she can be with someone that actually wants to spend time with her. Only you can know which will work for you.


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    #81
    herya
    Registered Users Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    Czesc Blue Wolf :)

    Now fair play to you for teaching her to drive - well done!! And she should not be nagging, hard to say where this is coming from, could be her nature (not good!) or could be that she's unhappy in this relationship. Communication problems must play a part, perfect English is one thing and all these communication nuances are another, it's so easy to get something wrong and then make a fuss when you're not flexible enough to allow for it from the start.

    My impression from what you tell us about you two is that you are in different stages altogether. She's definitely more involved emotionally and possibly also more committed, looking for a closer and more traditional setup than you are comfortable with, something with a defined future. You seem to be looking for something more casual, relax after work and good time when it suits you so she might be something of an afterthought like in this St. Patrick's Day situation (also I do feel that your work is mentioned a lot and must influence your actions more than you say/are aware of). You describe her in a sort of detached way, more like a child than an adult or saying basically that you'll love her if she behaves - sorry but that's not how you fall in love with somebody and I bet she can feel it.

    I don't want to preach (or nag?) but your "your way or my way or the highway" attitude is not how it works in mature relationships either... You do need to meet somebody half way for most of the time but in this case your expectations seem to be very different and you need to decide whether to salvage this yourself. Good luck with any choice :)


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    #82
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    Dzien dobry

    Thanks for the advice guys! :D


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    #83
    trish23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 148 ✭✭trish23


    Oh Blue Wolf if you were mine I would flatten you! Did you ask her to take 3 days off work? Did you plan to spend any of this time with her? When did you last ask her on any sort of a 'date', whether thats a walk in Bray or dinner out? Every girl wants to feel special & actions always speak louder than words - dinner & a bath is lovely but only if you want to do it for her, not to gain brownie points. Maybe commitment is an issue here - you're not ready to commit & neither will she if she feels this from you. BTW - no way would I teach my OH to drive as I think one of us would be 6ft under!


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    #84
    MeowXyz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭MeowXyz


    You are wrong, to her anyway.

    Who cares what we think, sort it out with her you moron.


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    #85
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,101 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    MeowXyz you're new here so I would respectfully suggest you read the charter of this forum. Particularly the bit about insulting other posters. Thank you.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #86
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    MeowXyz wrote: »
    You are wrong, to her anyway.

    Who cares what we think, sort it out with her you moron.

    I think you have issues of your own, perhaps post it up and we can try help and save you on the shrinks bill in such depressive times.


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    #87
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    trish23 wrote: »
    BTW - no way would I teach my OH to drive as I think one of us would be 6ft under!

    Agree with you on that one, eh it's not my favourite pass time with her but it's got to be done. :rolleyes:


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    #88
    TomMorgan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭TomMorgan


    Wibbs wrote: »
    You wanna dial down the drama? OK IMHO, agree with her. Agree that the weekend went differently to how you hoped it would be and you were sorry she wasn't with you. Agree with her that staying out late was a bad bet for her, but remind her that you had arranged this for a long while and wanted to go out. Agree that you understand her position. Then tell her that you would like to hear how she feels about it. Then shut up and let her talk. The only noise form you should be "mkaay/oh right/hmmm". Listen to her. Do not interrupt and especially dont interrupt with solutions that you come up with. Just let her talk it out. Then afterward thank her for letting you know what's what and suggest that she should bring this up when ever she needs to and you'll listen. then bring her for a coffee/beer.

    Doormat.

    That's the worst possible advice ever. He was totally in the right and now you want him to apologise. That is no way to go through life.


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    #89
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Am female (hehehe if that helps). Just a few things I'd like to say

    1. She's either testing you (yes, all women do that-see what we can get away with. Am serious. Some women dont even know they are doing this). If this is the case, make sure you keep your foot firmly down on opinions that you have. Try being a little assertive and dont give in just because "she is the woman/girl". Psychologically we are way way more cleverer than you. We love telling our fella what to do, moaning etc. Fella gets sick of it and hey presto you do what we want. I dont like fellas like this. I prefer someone to stand up to me and say "hey, you know what? I am going out for a while and Ill be back at 11pm. Kiss on the forehead (this lets her know you are being firm; that she is not going to get away with bossing you around-but it also shows you care) and then go (and come back at 11pm or there abouts-this shows responsibility and that she doesnt have to worry about you).

    2. She has had some bad experiences with previous fellas and nights out - ask her.


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    #90
    Blue_Wolf
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭Blue_Wolf


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    Am female (hehehe if that helps). Just a few things I'd like to say

    1. She's either testing you (yes, all women do that-see what we can get away with. Am serious. Some women dont even know they are doing this). If this is the case, make sure you keep your foot firmly down on opinions that you have. Try being a little assertive and dont give in just because "she is the woman/girl". Psychologically we are way way more cleverer than you. We love telling our fella what to do, moaning etc. Fella gets sick of it and hey presto you do what we want. I dont like fellas like this. I prefer someone to stand up to me and say "hey, you know what? I am going out for a while and Ill be back at 11pm. Kiss on the forehead (this lets her know you are being firm; that she is not going to get away with bossing you around-but it also shows you care) and then go (and come back at 11pm or there abouts-this shows responsibility and that she doesnt have to worry about you).

    2. She has had some bad experiences with previous fellas and nights out - ask her.

    Ya i know she had one bad experience with one guy but that was over him getting aggressive while drunk. Emm but she trusts me when I'm drunk, she thinks im more sensitive when drunk but I do like to argue but that's ok :D


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    #91
    herya
    Registered Users Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    We love telling our fella what to do, moaning etc. Fella gets sick of it and hey presto you do what we want.

    Being female can I please be excluded from the "we" here... I despise such tricks and I wouldn't have much respect for a fella who falls for it either :cool:


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