Dreading this weekend!!!

LegacyUser · 10-03-2009 11:01pm #1

Hi i hope someone can give me some advice, i am just DREADING the coming weekend...

My partner and i are together 5 years on March 13th, his birthday is the 15th of march , he will be 27, i am 24, living together 3 and a half years.

I have a Meal booked on the Sunday night(the 15th). we are celebrating both(his bday and our annivsery) this weekend Then we are going to Cork on Monday for a charity match and going out that night.

Thing is Saturday we are both going out for the liverpool/utd match(we are both big footy fans) The rugbys on after it but iv no interest in that so ill head home after it and he said he will be home after the rugby. He will be in the pub basically 6/7 hours- fair enough.

But The last time he said he would be home after a match when he came back i got a torrent of abuse of his mates calling me" his mammy" and telling me to "feck off its his life not up to me when he comes home", And the reason they do this is because if his mates say "stay out for another few" he always says "Ah i cant the missus will be giving out" Basically placing the blame on me when i never opened my mouth, and i get abusive texts off his friends.

Hes hinting he wants to stay out for the night after the matches, the problem i have is the last time he was out in the pub for a match and stayed out all night he came home and left the door to our house WIDE OPEN and fell asleep on the couch(we live in the middle of the town so anyone could have walked in), . Only for i got up for a drink and noticed it would have been open all night. Now to be honest i am not staying up until 3/4am just to make sure he doesnt leave the door open again. He doesnt normally do this but when he goes out for matches he gets SLAUGHTERED trying to be a big man keeping up with the boys!

Also when he drinks like this he cant eat the next day- so am i supposed to cancel our meal just because he made a pig of himself the night before.

I really dont want to tell him what to do, im not his mother, and i feel like a complete NAG! But it was HIS suggestion to go for dinner and his suggestion to make this weekend about "our annivsery as well as his birthday".

Ive spoken to him about it and he said he will come home after the rugby, but i know him he will more than likley stay out, and if he DOES come back i face a night of texts from his mates calling me a nag

Just any advice would be great.Thanks

Bottle_of_Smoke · 10-03-2009 11:06pm

Its a special occasion for you both, he can tell them that without suggesting you're a nagging mammy, if he really feels he has to give an excuse.

Stheno · 10-03-2009 11:09pm

Why not do the meal on Friday?

As for him coming home slaughtered and leaving the front door open, that's a bit much, as is his citing your giving out as his reason for him having to come home.

You might want to consider sitting down and chatting about your arrangements, if you have no problem with him going out with his mates once he doesn't compromise your safety by coming home so drunk he doesn't even close the door, then you could possibly compromise?

RedXIV · 10-03-2009 11:15pm

Personally, i reckon your best bet is making him want to come home. I was reading a book in the OH's house about "managing men" for a giggle but one or two of the points stuck, namely, if you convince him to do something that he thinks is his idea, it'll be alot more appealing. so instead of trying to convince him to come home, try to get him to want to come home.

What would work on me would be "you're staying out for the rugby match? Great that gives me time to prepare your present *saucy wink*" even if it's not his real present, if he thinks he's coming home to something really good, i guarantee he'll make his way home. and it doesn't have to be something flash, just seduce him when he gets in. could be a lapdance, a bath together, or even some fantasy costume he might be into like nurse or french maid?

just my 2c

LegacyUser · 10-03-2009 11:16pm

nouggatti wrote: »

Why not do the meal on Friday?

He works late on Fridays , but changing the meal to a different day is a good idea...

nouggatti wrote: »

As for him coming home slaughtered and leaving the front door open, that's a bit much, as is his citing your giving out as his reason for him having to come home.

He has only done that once in all the time we have been together, but he shouldnt have done it at all...and it scares me to think who could hae walked in. With the other thing He claims he only says that in "banter" but it is annoying and the fact i get the abuse is not fair.

nouggatti wrote: »

You might want to consider sitting down and chatting about your arrangements, if you have no problem with him going out with his mates once he doesn't compromise your safety by coming home so drunk he doesn't even close the door, then you could possibly compromise?

I have talked to him about this, he says he sorry that he did close the door but must not have pushed it hard enough (bla bla bla i know what its like when your drunk- still no excuse) Hes normally a very sensible drinker thats what annoys me.

Silverfish · 10-03-2009 11:16pm

Sounds more like his mates are the nags, to be honest.

Nervous Wreck · 10-03-2009 11:21pm

I think your first step should be to sort out his friends! They sent you abusive messages and he's okay with that!? If any of my mates sent my gf abusive texts, they'd be gettin slapped.

LegacyUser · 10-03-2009 11:25pm

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I think your first step should be to sort out his friends! They sent you abusive messages and he's okay with that!? If any of my mates sent my gf abusive texts, they'd be gettin slapped.

Well they are my friends boyfriends too. Ive said it to my friends and they said their boyfriends were "just trying to get a rise out of me" and "just trying to get me to let the bf out"

The bf just texts them and says "it was my decision to come home so quit it" Thats normally the end of it... until the next time:(

babyjames · 10-03-2009 11:43pm

His mates are assholes, I had the same lifestyle before I got married. ( Jesus lads she will kill me if I stay) It makes us men feel big. Can I suggest that you go and watch the footie, Then feign intrest in the rugby and ask him to watch it at home with you and a few beers ( make sure you have more than enough so he won,t run out and have to go out anyway) remind him of how much you are looking forward to your break away and what a great time ye will have. Hope this helps I did the same as your partner when we were just going out. He should tell his mates to back of and stop sending you nasty texts sounds like a lot of jealous lonely gits. I never got that from my mates and my local was not a lounge bar but a pretty tough back lane pub. I hope ye enjoy the weekend and best of luck.

Rgds

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

Hi i hope someone can give me some advice, i am just DREADING the coming weekend...

My partner and i are together 5 years on March 13th, his birthday is the 15th of march , he will be 27, i am 24, living together 3 and a half years.

I have a Meal booked on the Sunday night(the 15th). we are celebrating both(his bday and our annivsery) this weekend Then we are going to Cork on Monday for a charity match and going out that night.

Thing is Saturday we are both going out for the liverpool/utd match(we are both big footy fans) The rugbys on after it but iv no interest in that so ill head home after it and he said he will be home after the rugby. He will be in the pub basically 6/7 hours- fair enough.

But The last time he said he would be home after a match when he came back i got a torrent of abuse of his mates calling me" his mammy" and telling me to "feck off its his life not up to me when he comes home", And the reason they do this is because if his mates say "stay out for another few" he always says "Ah i cant the missus will be giving out" Basically placing the blame on me when i never opened my mouth, and i get abusive texts off his friends.

Hes hinting he wants to stay out for the night after the matches, the problem i have is the last time he was out in the pub for a match and stayed out all night he came home and left the door to our house WIDE OPEN and fell asleep on the couch(we live in the middle of the town so anyone could have walked in), . Only for i got up for a drink and noticed it would have been open all night. Now to be honest i am not staying up until 3/4am just to make sure he doesnt leave the door open again. He doesnt normally do this but when he goes out for matches he gets SLAUGHTERED trying to be a big man keeping up with the boys!

Also when he drinks like this he cant eat the next day- so am i supposed to cancel our meal just because he made a pig of himself the night before.

I really dont want to tell him what to do, im not his mother, and i feel like a complete NAG! But it was HIS suggestion to go for dinner and his suggestion to make this weekend about "our annivsery as well as his birthday".

Ive spoken to him about it and he said he will come home after the rugby, but i know him he will more than likley stay out, and if he DOES come back i face a night of texts from his mates calling me a nag

Just any advice would be great.Thanks

10-03-2009 11:52pm

Telling you to stop being a mammy isnt abusive. Not at all. Most lads have mates like this who, while normally wouldn't have your gf's number, would still say the same thing. It's not meant in a "screw that biitch" way at all. Just lads being lads.

It's up to him to not be too hungover for the dinner the next day. If he's is then it's his fault, not his mates.

dudara · 11-03-2009 12:11am

The lads may think they are being hilarious, but their texts are hurting you, and he should see that.

It sounds as if his friends aren't quite mature enough yet.

Additionally, if he is drinking to such a degree that he can't remember to shut the door, then he might want to call himself aside.

bubblewrap · 11-03-2009 11:56am

That winds me up, why don't men have a mind of their own?

My bf's brother has the attitude " She is already going to be mad so I may aswell stay out longer", I hate it!!! :mad:

MeMyself&I · 11-03-2009 12:03pm

OK your boyfriend needs a good swift kick up the behind. Can he not just make the effort and come home early, just this once, why the drama and the dread.

He friends also need to be sorted, and if your are friends with their girlfriends, you should tell them that their boyfriends behaviour is uncalled for. but on saying that, you shouldnt have to deal with this, you boyfriend should have nipped this in the bud (is that the right saying??), how dare they verbally abuse you, just because you would like your boyfriend to come home after a 7 hour bender in the pub.

Im also good friends with my B'Fs friends girlfriends (

), and we stick together, if they know i have something special planned then they tell their boyfriends not to take the p**s and come home early, and likewise i would do it for them.

This story has annoyed me actually, you are worrying over something that shouldnt actually be a worry. And i would not change the day of the meal, this has been organised, and if he ruins it, i would give him hell!!

MeMyself&I · 11-03-2009 12:10pm

Call his bluff and stay out and watch the rugby too!! He'll have to come home then.

I have no probs with my b'f going out with his friends, i like the time to myself, and i like making my own plans, so this isnt me coming down hard on men that go out.

but jesus christ on a bike, this is your special weekend, just stay on and watch the rugby, and tell you b'f that you want to spend as much time as possible with him this weekend, cos you love him, and your glad you made it 5 years together...blah blah.

Problem solved --- Elementary my dear Watson :cool:

iseeyou · 11-03-2009 12:31pm

Dont mean to totally wreck your weekend, but the Liverpool v Man Utd match has been moved to Sunday. Had a similar dilema over the drinking aspect but now it will be spread over two days, twice the fun!

MeMyself&I · 11-03-2009 12:38pm

ah, no way, so rugby on saturday, and footie on Sunday, well this is going to be a fun weekend.

Well at least the OP boyfriend can go out later on the sat night for the rugby, so less drinking time, and less of a sore head the next day, then they pair of them can watch the football on Sunday.

Maybe this might work out good?

Nevyn · 11-03-2009 12:40pm

If he can not curb his drinking to a reasonable level like a grown up for something like your birthdays what happens when other important occasions come around ?
I would not be putting up with that after 5 years, life is to short.

Gyalist · 11-03-2009 12:52pm

Seems strange to me that it's you making all the arrangements for the weekend when he would seem to prefer to be out drinking with his friends.

If you change the plans for the weekend then you will truly be his Mammy as a 27 year old should be man enough to honour his commitments.

useful_contacts · 11-03-2009 11:07pm

iseeyou wrote: »

Dont mean to totally wreck your weekend, but the Liverpool v Man Utd match has been moved to Sunday. Had a similar dilema over the drinking aspect but now it will be spread over two days, twice the fun!

where did you hear this? says nothing on sky sports or the liverpool website and no one iv spoken to has heard about it

Keith186 · 11-03-2009 11:32pm

useful_contacts wrote: »

where did you hear this? says nothing on sky sports or the liverpool website and no one iv spoken to has heard about it

It's definitely moved to Sunday, they said it after the Man United match tonight on rte lol

Really though if he goes out for the Pool match at 12.30 he won't last til 3 or 4 if he's not a regular drinker, be home by 10.30 with a bag of chips I bet!

LegacyUser · 12-03-2009 3:13am

Keith186 wrote: »

It's definitely moved to Sunday, they said it after the Man United match tonight on rte lol

if anyone can confirm this please let me know( need proof- websites, video of it being announced- i cannot find anything on it) because if the match has been moved then problem is solved

useful_contacts · 12-03-2009 8:50am

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

if anyone can confirm this please let me know( need proof- websites, video of it being announced- i cannot find anything on it) because if the match has been moved then problem is solved

Its not true the match has not been moved, ive contacted every pool and united fan i know and no one heard it- and the sky sports website just stuck up a story and said twice on it the match is SATURDAY

*Cant PM this to OP as shes not registered hence why its on here

Silverfish · 12-03-2009 8:54am

I don't think what day a match falls on is going to fix the OP's problem in the long term to be honest.

Can we stop discussing the day of the match now.

LegacyUser · 12-03-2009 9:02am

Silverfish wrote: »

I don't think what day a match falls on is going to fix the OP's problem in the long term to be honest.

Can we stop discussing the day of the match now.

I asked to be informed, because it seems someones lied to me about the match being changed days- getting my hopes up with no proof.Why someone would do that i dont know its plain ignorant

Finding out the match day will help my problem, as if it was on sunday then my problem is solved

Silverfish · 12-03-2009 9:09am

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

Finding out the match day will help my problem, as if it was on sunday then my problem is solved

Right but, what happens next year when it's your anniversary and his birthday again. Are you just going to live in hope that every special event doesnt clash with any matches or nights out with the lads?

LegacyUser · 12-03-2009 9:11am

Silverfish wrote: »

Right but, what happens next year when it's your anniversary and his birthday again. Are you just going to live in hope that every special event doesnt clash with any matches or nights out with the lads?

this is the first time in the 5 years we have been together an event has clashed

Faith · 12-03-2009 9:26am

I googled, and the BBC Sport website, and the Man Utd website are still saying it's on Saturday.

Could you feign an interest in the rugby and stay and watch it with him? He might be more inclined to leave when you do then. If he's still looking keen to stay, try whispering something really sexy or dirty in his ear, what you want to do to him yadda yadda yadda, and that might hurry him up.

Stay for the rugby and he still gets to watch it, and you get a bit more power over when he comes home.

Nevyn · 12-03-2009 9:31am

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

this is the first time in the 5 years we have been together an event has clashed

So he has had 5 years of not having to make a choice, how this plays out
could well set the standard or what is the norm for your relationship.

There will be other sports matches there won't be another 5 year anniversary.

useful_contacts · 12-03-2009 9:33am

Thaedydal wrote: »

So he has had 5 years of not having to make a choice, how this plays out
could well set the standard or what is the norm for your relationship.

There will be other sports matches there won't be another 5 year anniversary.

in all fairness she said they are both big football fans so she obviously wants to see it as well

kmick · 12-03-2009 9:38am

Turn off your phone and go to bed early. You cant control him if he wants to come home he will come home if not he will stay out. If he is too sick to go out next day cancel the meal and have it another time.

Alternatively just stay out for the rugby.

Nevyn · 12-03-2009 9:48am

The problem is not the football match it is his inablity to be sensible with his drinking.
He is going out and drinking to excess so that the following day he is fit for nothing
which means that they can not do anything for the rest of the weekend.

This is a pattern which the OP does not like, his drinking habits are effecting her
and thier relationship so much so that plans made for a specail event may not happen
or will with him being sub par due to being hung over.

His drinking is effecting her and thier life and thier reatlionship.
That is the problem.

If his drinking wasn't a problem he could go out have a few drinks and come home
to get enough sleep to be able to function the next day. He can't do this and is
blaming pressure from his 'mates'. Which I do no accept unless they are holding
him down and using a funnel to make him drink.

He is choosing his drinking and being a well hard one of the lads over his realtionship.
This is not a once off thing, it's how he lives his life and if he can not make an effort
for something like the birthdays and aniversay to spend time and make memories
with his partner who he lives with then she will have to make her mind up,
where on his list of priorites she wants to be and how much more she will put up with
in terms of stress, disappointment and having the blame put on her and being made
to feel she is in the wrong and she is a nag when he has a drinking problem and possibly no spine.

iseeyou · 12-03-2009 11:22am

Im really sorry!!! I got that wrong, this Sats match goes ahead unchanged against Utd, its the following Sat match that is switched to the Sunday!!! Sorry!

TripleAce · 12-03-2009 11:28am

Turn on the alarm. When he comes home the alarm will go off and you can wake and make sure that the door is closed

Lorrs33 · 12-03-2009 2:28pm

I don't know about him, but if that were me, I'd be seriously annoyed at my friends texting abuse to my OH, it's just not on!

Beruthiel · 12-03-2009 3:17pm

Thaedydal wrote: »

He is choosing his drinking and being a well hard one of the lads over his realtionship.
This is not a once off thing, it's how he lives his life and if he can not make an effort for something like the birthdays and aniversay to spend time and make memories with his partner who he lives with then she will have to make her mind up, where on his list of priorites she wants to be and how much more she will put up with in terms of stress, disappointment and having the blame put on her and being made to feel she is in the wrong and she is a nag when he has a drinking problem and possibly no spine.

Nail on the head.
Personally I would not put up with someone like that. They would either need to cop on to themselves or move along.

Latchy · 12-03-2009 3:22pm

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I don't know about him, but if that were me, I'd be seriously annoyed at my friends texting abuse to my OH, it's just not on!

Not on indeed .Makes you wonder what value some people put on their relationships .

pookie82 · 12-03-2009 10:21pm

I don't know about anyone else but the first thing I'd be doing in this situation is NOT dreaming up manipulative plans to make him think he's coming home for his own reasons or baiting him with promises of hot sex in my desperation to get him out of the pub. I presume you are both adults? You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that blaming you to the lads for not being able to stay out is pathetic in the extreme, and an action more suited to a 15 year old than a responsible and supposedly mature adult.

Why men do that is really beyond me - it can surely only make them look bitch whipped and controlled to their mates, so why bother with the excuses? I'd be very worried about my OH if he couldn't genuinely tell his mates that he was tired/needed to be up for work/wanted to go home to his girlf and had, instead, to plead that he was being nagged by his witch of a girlfriend and had to get home before she tore his head off.

Don't even get me started on his mates texting you. What age are they? Next time this happens tell him in no uncertain terms that if this occurs again he needn't bother coming home at all. I can't imagine my boyf's mates having the audacity to text me giving me hassle because he wants to come home. Again, it's the action of school boys and someone needs to check them on it.

If he has a drinking problem to the extent that he endangers your well being and seriously affects your lifestyle with him, then I'd be capping the relationship at 5 years and cutting my losses. Likewise, if he can't put your milestone anniversary above a piss up with the lads which will result in a ruined next day, you need to think long and hard about the future you will have with this man.

Don't scheme to get him home to bed, or stay on putting yourself through a match you have no interest in in the desperate hope he'll come home with you. Talk to him like an adult. Tell him what's important to you. If he agrees and comes home, fair enough. If he doesn't, you'll know where you stand in the grand scheme of his priorities.

Sofiztikated · 12-03-2009 10:57pm

Am I the only one that thinks everyone is making HIM out to be a complete [EMAIL="b@stard"]b@stard[/EMAIL]?

Wow, he was out once with his mates and got pissed? Fair enough, he forgot to lock the door, but christ, everyone does silly things occasionally. (I am not sticking up for binge drinking or the like, but am just saying it happens.)

Maybe this is a big thing for him and his mates? Maybe they had something organised, and he forgot? Maybe he's just feeling a little, I dunno, "claustrophobic"? Happens me now and again, just fancy getting out without herself.

Why do men say "Ah, herself wants me home"? So that we don't feel like we're the ones being the party pooper. Should we do it, probably not. Do we do it, yes. Will we continue to do it, probably. However, that doesn't give his mates the right to slag you off. I'd be having words with him over that one. However, they may just be messing, and you took it up wrong?

Is this a thing that should end the relationship, because he wants to go out with his mates, and you won't let him? On his side, yes! Controlling much?

My 2 c.

Liam Byrne · 12-03-2009 11:57pm

RedXIV wrote: »

Personally, i reckon your best bet is making him want to come home. I was reading a book in the OH's house about "managing men" for a giggle but one or two of the points stuck, namely, if you convince him to do something that he thinks is his idea, it'll be alot more appealing. so instead of trying to convince him to come home, try to get him to want to come home.

What would work on me would be "you're staying out for the rugby match? Great that gives me time to prepare your present *saucy wink*" even if it's not his real present, if he thinks he's coming home to something really good, i guarantee he'll make his way home. and it doesn't have to be something flash, just seduce him when he gets in. could be a lapdance, a bath together, or even some fantasy costume he might be into like nurse or french maid?

just my 2c

That's almost sexist and insulting, RedXIV......the book should be called "managing gullible people of either sex", and I don't know what guys you (or the author) have been hanging around with, but the bottom line is:

1) If there's no big reason for coming home, then a night out with the lads ain't a crime; any girl who says otherwise is either a nag or deserves all the grief she gets the next time she wants a night out with the girls

2) That said, if there's something special like an organised meal for a birthday that's planned to come home to, it's downright rude not to

3) If someone drinks so much that they leave the front door wide open, then they've got problems far more serious than rudeness

OP, you shouldn't need to dread what should be a nice weekend, and you shouldn't have to put up with some drunken idiot leaving the front door open......if you'd been asking "should I keep this going / should I put up with this" instead of "what will I do about this weekend", I'd've suggested moving on and finding someone more considerate with less of a drink problem and less childish mates.....

Best of luck, though!

RedXIV · 13-03-2009 12:11am

Liam Byrne wrote: »

That's almost sexist and insulting,

No it's not, it's a mean to an ends. Its an effective one too. I'd be very suprised if any guy didn't want to go home if his OH was planning a suprise for him. I honestly can't see the sexism or insult.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

RedXIV......the book should be called "managing gullible people of either sex", and I don't know what guys you (or the author) have been hanging around with, but the bottom line is:

I'm not refering to it as a life manual, it was a book i got a laugh out of reading. but it also had some valid points.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

1) If there's no big reason for coming home, then a night out with the lads ain't a crime; any girl who says otherwise is either a nag or deserves all the grief she gets the next time she wants a night out with the girls

Of course it's not a crime. The OP simply wanted to ensure her OH wasn't completely destroyed the next day. Thats fair.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

2) That said, if there's something special like an organised meal for a birthday that's planned to come home to, it's downright rude not to

True but if you're out for a night with the lads, its easy to forget the plans you have for tomorrow evening. But you don't forget that your OH has a suprise for you at home that night

It may sound manipulative but i'd have no problem being manipulated like that

Liam Byrne wrote: »

3) If someone drinks so much that they leave the front door wide open, then they've got problems far more serious than rudeness

Bull. Everyone messes up. He did that ONCE. Anyone can make a mistake. the OP herself said it was a once off. He probably already knows better himself.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

OP, you shouldn't need to dread what should be a nice weekend, and you shouldn't have to put up with some drunken idiot leaving the front door open......if you'd been asking "should I keep this going / should I put up with this" instead of "what will I do about this weekend", I'd've suggested moving on and finding someone more considerate with less of a drink problem and less childish mates.....

Best of luck, though!

Its almost ridiculous to suggest that this one event should make her reassess her relationship with OH.

I'm with Sofiztikated here. The OH is getting an awful bashing here. For a single mistake in the past with drink consumed. Let he without sin cast the first stone....

Kimia · 13-03-2009 10:28am

I had the same problem once. My bf didn't say anything though it was his friends who assumed that I was the one pulling the strings which really annoyed my bf because the more he protested the more they assumed!

In the end I basically went up to them and said that it was hilarious the way they thought I was telling him what to do and that if they knew him at all they would know that he does what he likes! Which just so happened to be staying in with me.

That shut them up.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2009 12:42pm

pookie82 wrote: »

don't know about anyone else but the first thing I'd be doing in this situation is NOT dreaming up manipulative plans to make him think he's coming home for his own reasons or baiting him with promises of hot sex in my desperation to get him out of the pub.

I wouldnt do that, if i wanted him home id tell him to come back and if he decided to stay out i tell him he can stay in one of the lads house cos im not waiting up for him. But that one night in piticular i want him home

pookie82 wrote: »

I presume you are both adults? You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that blaming you to the lads for not being able to stay out is pathetic in the extreme, and an action more suited to a 15 year old than a responsible and supposedly mature adult.

As iv already stated i have already discussed this with him

pookie82 wrote: »

Don't even get me started on his mates texting you. What age are they? Next time this happens tell him in no uncertain terms that if this occurs again he needn't bother coming home at all.

You cant blame my OH for this now in all fairness, he has spoken to them, i have spoken to them and their girlfriends have spoken to them but they still do it. On a few occasions i got texts from them eating the face off me saying i made my partner come home - WHEN I WASNT EVEN IN THE COUNTY! My OH had just decided to head home and couldnt find the lads in the club so theyautomatically blamed me. The lads are all around 24- though its one lad more than the rest.

pookie82 wrote: »

If he has a drinking problem to the extent that he endangers your well being and seriously affects your lifestyle with him, then I'd be capping the relationship at 5 years and cutting my losses. Likewise, if he can't put your milestone anniversary above a piss up with the lads which will result in a ruined next day, you need to think long and hard about the future you will have with this man.

As ive said already hes a very sensible drinker- but once every few months when these big matches come up he gets in a pretty bad way, he left the door open once, its not like hes bringing strange people back to the house from nightclubs "for a few drinks" (my sisters ex used to do this every weekend) I am not going to "think long and hard about the future with him" because of this. I have no intention of dumping him or anything over this... and to think i would is totally daft!

pookie82 · 13-03-2009 3:10pm

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

You cant blame my OH for this now in all fairness, he has spoken to them, i have spoken to them and their girlfriends have spoken to them but they still do it. On a few occasions i got texts from them eating the face off me saying i made my partner come home - WHEN I WASNT EVEN IN THE COUNTY! My OH had just decided to head home and couldnt find the lads in the club so theyautomatically blamed me. The lads are all around 24- though its one lad more than the rest.

As ive said already hes a very sensible drinker- but once every few months when these big matches come up he gets in a pretty bad way, he left the door open once, its not like hes bringing strange people back to the house from nightclubs "for a few drinks" (my sisters ex used to do this every weekend) I am not going to "think long and hard about the future with him" because of this. I have no intention of dumping him or anything over this... and to think i would is totally daft!

But Your OH is generally the one telling them his nag of a girlfriend is making him go home, no? Therefore he is partly to blame. Also, if you say you've all told them to stop texting you etc, why is it still an issue?

You may feel that this is no reason to break up with him and that's absolutely fair. But you asked for opinions so I gave mine. And I certainly don't think it's "daft" to consider breaking up with someone whose drinking habits and idiotic pressurising abusive mates are threatening to ruin your weekend and are filling you with dread.

Have a conversation with him. Ask him to come home. Problem solved.

if he doesn't - then yes, with the wknd that's in it (b-day, anniversary) then I do think you need to review the relationship.

My two cents.

aye · 13-03-2009 4:25pm

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

My partner and i are together 5 years on March 13th, his birthday is the 15th of march , he will be 27, i am 24, living together 3 and a half years.

But The last time he said he would be home after a match when he came back i got a torrent of abuse of his mates calling me" his mammy" and telling me to "feck off its his life not up to me when he comes home", And the reason they do this is because if his mates say "stay out for another few" he always says "Ah i cant the missus will be giving out" Basically placing the blame on me when i never opened my mouth, and i get abusive texts off his friends.

He doesnt normally do this but when he goes out for matches he gets SLAUGHTERED trying to be a big man keeping up with the boys!

Also when he drinks like this he cant eat the next day- so am i supposed to cancel our meal just because he made a pig of himself the night before.

Ive spoken to him about it and he said he will come home after the rugby, but i know him he will more than likley stay out, and if he DOES come back i face a night of texts from his mates calling me a nag

Just any advice would be great.Thanks

At 27 maybe he could learn to stand up to his mates and tell them he is going home cos he wants to, not cos you'll be giving out. Also, his mates sending you texts is well outta line, and he should have that sorted straight away.

The fact that he has to act like a big man with the lads and get slaughtered at his age is a bit sad to be honest, seriously grow a pair, he doesnt have to drink as much as them.

he says he will come home after the rugby, but you already feel that he wont, thats say alot really. if he makes plans with you for after the match, he should stick to them, and be man enough to not be peer pressured.

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

With the other thing He claims he only says that in "banter" but it is annoying and the fact i get the abuse is not fair.

no its not fair, and if it is only "banter", then it shouldnt be a problem to stop it.

Thaedydal wrote: »

This is not a once off thing, it's how he lives his life and if he can not make an effort
for something like the birthdays and aniversay to spend time and make memories
with his partner who he lives with then she will have to make her mind up,
where on his list of priorites she wants to be and how much more she will put up with
in terms of stress, disappointment and having the blame put on her and being made
to feel she is in the wrong and she is a nag when he has a drinking problem and possibly no spine.

have to agree with this.

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

You cant blame my OH for this now in all fairness, he has spoken to them, i have spoken to them and their girlfriends have spoken to them but they still do it. On a few occasions i got texts from them eating the face off me saying i made my partner come home - WHEN I WASNT EVEN IN THE COUNTY! My OH had just decided to head home and couldnt find the lads in the club so theyautomatically blamed me. The lads are all around 24- though its one lad more than the rest.

he mates seem pretty immature really, but he should be able to get them to stop. I know my mates wouldnt even dream of doing this. Guys leaves nights early all the time to see their GF, its not a big deal.

Are most of his mates single?

pookie82 wrote: »

But Your OH is generally the one telling them his nag of a girlfriend is making him go home, no? Therefore he is partly to blame.

Exactly, he needs to stand up and say he's going home cos he wants to and not fob it off on to you.

Personally i think if he is telling you he'll come home after the match, and making plans to be with you, he should do so, regardless of what his mates say to him.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2009 9:42pm

pookie82 wrote: »

But Your OH is generally the one telling them his nag of a girlfriend is making him go home, no? Therefore he is partly to blame. Also, if you say you've all told them to stop texting you etc, why is it still an issue?

He doesnt say im a nag and im making him go home, he says "ah the missus will be giving out" in banter(as he calls it) and his mates understand what he means(they all have gfs that they are with a long time 3+ years) except one in piticular whos missus(who is one of my best friends) lets him do what he likes- and hes the one who text me most of all

pookie82 wrote: »

And I certainly don't think it's "daft" to consider breaking up with someone whose drinking habits and idiotic pressurising abusive mates are threatening to ruin your weekend and are filling you with dread.

i dont appricate your "drinking habits" comment. As ive already said hes a very sensible drinker and ive only ever seen him very badly drunk about 5 times since i first met him.And as ive said his mates are more mine than his(through GFs etc) as all his old mates are back in Wexford. I love this man to bits and he pretty much saved my life(pulled me out of a drugged up life)

pookie82 wrote: »

Have a conversation with him. Ask him to come home. Problem solved.

I have spoken to him about it - and i did it again today and he is going meeting his work mates and their partners after the football in a different pub to watch the rugby(other mates staying in the other pub) and the gfs are going so when we go his workmates will be too(as all the women will be there aswell)

I however am still expecting a few texts saying i made him go to a different pub(even though it was the bfs idea) I have told my best friend(whos bf txts me the most) that i want no texts and she promised she will kill him if he even attempts it. But when he has a few drinks in him he wont care- he never does.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2009 9:49pm

aye wrote: »

At 27 maybe he could learn to stand up to his mates and tell them he is going home cos he wants to, not cos you'll be giving out. Also, his mates sending you texts is well outta line, and he should have that sorted straight away.

aye wrote: »

ive stated this about 3 times now- he has stood up to them- i have stood up to them - the texters girlfriends have too

aye wrote: »

The fact that he has to act like a big man with the lads and get slaughtered at his age is a bit sad to be honest, seriously grow a pair, he doesnt have to drink as much as them.

Well a lot of men do it in all fairness- and the boys do a pub crawl most of the time so he has to rush to finish his drink. Im not making excuses for him- i dont see why he cant leave his drink there but he says why should he pay nearly 4e for a guinness and leave half of it there cos they boys are drinking vodka

aye wrote: »

he says he will come home after the rugby, but you already feel that he wont, thats say alot really. if he makes plans with you for after the match, he should stick to them, and be man enough to not be peer pressured.

plans have been changed - see previous post

aye wrote: »

Are most of his mates single?

nope they are all in long term realtionships and a few are married

pookie82 · 14-03-2009 11:15am

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

Hi i hope someone can give me some advice, i am just DREADING the coming weekend...

My partner and i are together 5 years on March 13th, his birthday is the 15th of march , he will be 27, i am 24, living together 3 and a half years.

I have a Meal booked on the Sunday night(the 15th). we are celebrating both(his bday and our annivsery) this weekend Then we are going to Cork on Monday for a charity match and going out that night.

Thing is Saturday we are both going out for the liverpool/utd match(we are both big footy fans) The rugbys on after it but iv no interest in that so ill head home after it and he said he will be home after the rugby. He will be in the pub basically 6/7 hours- fair enough.

But The last time he said he would be home after a match when he came back i got a torrent of abuse of his mates calling me" his mammy" and telling me to "feck off its his life not up to me when he comes home", And the reason they do this is because if his mates say "stay out for another few" he always says "Ah i cant the missus will be giving out" Basically placing the blame on me when i never opened my mouth, and i get abusive texts off his friends.

Hes hinting he wants to stay out for the night after the matches, the problem i have is the last time he was out in the pub for a match and stayed out all night he came home and left the door to our house WIDE OPEN and fell asleep on the couch(we live in the middle of the town so anyone could have walked in), . Only for i got up for a drink and noticed it would have been open all night. Now to be honest i am not staying up until 3/4am just to make sure he doesnt leave the door open again. He doesnt normally do this but when he goes out for matches he gets SLAUGHTERED trying to be a big man keeping up with the boys!

Also when he drinks like this he cant eat the next day- so am i supposed to cancel our meal just because he made a pig of himself the night before.

I really dont want to tell him what to do, im not his mother, and i feel like a complete NAG! But it was HIS suggestion to go for dinner and his suggestion to make this weekend about "our annivsery as well as his birthday".

Ive spoken to him about it and he said he will come home after the rugby, but i know him he will more than likley stay out, and if he DOES come back i face a night of texts from his mates calling me a nag

Just any advice would be great.Thanks

Ok ever since your first post, the minute anyone criticises his drinking habits, or his mates, or any of the problems here, your defences are up. If you don't think he drinks too much, that this "keeping up with the lads" teenage behaviour is absolutely fine just because "loads of guys do it" and he's only come home and been so **** faced he's left your front door wide open once so it's ok, then what exactly is your problem??? You come on here listing all the down sides of his drinking, his mates nagging, you worrying he won't be able to EAT THE NEXT DAY (pretty big concern if your plans are a special dinner and his binge drinking will prevent him from digesting any food that day) but every time someone says something negative about it you jump in saying you're deeply offended and that it's not that big a deal.

I'm struggling to see why you're here at all. Sounds like youre actually perfectly happy with your boyfreind's binge drinking to keep up with the lads - a practice you justify because lots of guys do it [doesn't make it acceptable, we do have a huge problem with the binge drinking culture in this country]. You've said yourself now numerous times that you've all spoken to the mates, so presumably like the supposed adults that they are, they'll stop. Or they won't. Which you can't affect so why come on here about it? You've also said you've talked to him about it and he knows how you feel.

Case closed then, no? Was there any need to come on here at all???

I'm very confused by your "problem" and your sudden and vehement refution of all the problems listed when they're pointed out to you.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 7:09pm

pookie82 wrote: »

You come on here listing all the down sides of his drinking, his mates nagging, you worrying he won't be able to EAT THE NEXT DAY (pretty big concern if your plans are a special dinner and his binge drinking will prevent him from digesting any food that day) but every time someone says something negative about it you jump in saying you're deeply offended and that it's not that big a deal.

Oh yes- because on here i have been going on and on and ON about the fact he is a wino and he falls asleep in the pub cos hes so drunk- OH WAIT NO I DIDNT SAY THAT. So you should explain the "listing all the down sides of his drinking" comment

pookie82 wrote: »

I'm struggling to see why you're here at all. Sounds like youre actually perfectly happy with your boyfreind's binge drinking to keep up with the lads - a practice you justify because lots of guys do it

i didnt justify it i said a lot of guys do it- ITS A FACT NOT A JUSIFICTION!!!

pookie82 wrote: »

You've said yourself now numerous times that you've all spoken to the mates, Which you can't affect so why come on here about it? QUOTE]

So its my fault is it???

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 7:15pm

Well todays the date- its 7.15pm now... we had a great day, liverpool won so im delighted.

We went to the 2nd pub after the football , and the guy who text me the most actually pulled me aside and said sorry and that he wont text me slagging me again(id a word with his gf this morning)

Im home now and the BFs on the way home now- i actually stayed out with them until half five and had great craic.So things have turned out grand:)#

Thanks all:)

pookie82 · 15-03-2009 9:49am

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

Oh yes- because on here i have been going on and on and ON about the fact he is a wino and he falls asleep in the pub cos hes so drunk- OH WAIT NO I DIDNT SAY THAT. So you should explain the "listing all the down sides of his drinking" comment

i didnt justify it i said a lot of guys do it- ITS A FACT NOT A JUSIFICTION!!!

pookie82 wrote: »

You've said yourself now numerous times that you've all spoken to the mates, Which you can't affect so why come on here about it? QUOTE]

So its my fault is it???

Eh...... Dreading the weekend, knowing if he goes on a bender he won't be able to eat the dinner you guys have planned the next day, drinking too much with the lads to "keep up" and getting a barrage of abuse when he bows out to go home, the possibility of him getting so hammered he does something that could endanger you again [I'm struggling to see why you mentioned him leaving the door open at all if you're only response to anyone who points out how dangerous that is is that it's no big deal and to shut up about it. Ok, why did you bring it up in the first place then???), feeling that despite your making your feelings about your priorities for the wknd clear, that he'll still be persuaded by the lads to stay out ont he piss and ruin the whole thing........The theme of your post really....that information, all volunteered by you, more than explains my "Listing all the down sides of his drinking" comment.

You said a lot of guys binge drink and you offered it as an EXCUSE when someone said he should grow a pair. It's not an excuse. If he beat you up, wrecked the house or jumped off a cliff and people called him an idiot your response would be "oh come on in fairness, LOADS of people do it....!" Again, making me wonder why on earth you came on here when you had an explanation by way of pardon for everything he did yourself.

As for your last quote - what???? Where did I insinuate it was your fault? I was pointing out that although you brought it up as a problem, like with everything else, when it's suggested that it's unacceptable, you act like it's already been dealt with and no big deal.

Look, glad things worked out and all, but you weren't going to get too much help on here by getting tetchy and defensive everytime someone criticised your boyfriend. The root of alleged your problem.

aye · 15-03-2009 3:32pm

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

ive stated this about 3 times now- he has stood up to them- i have stood up to them - the texters girlfriends have too

I dunno how he stood up to them, mustn't be very stern or else his mates dont respect him much. If mates do something that i have to call them up on, they wont do it again.

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

Well a lot of men do it in all fairness- and the boys do a pub crawl most of the time so he has to rush to finish his drink. Im not making excuses for him- i dont see why he cant leave his drink there but he says why should he pay nearly 4e for a guinness and leave half of it there cos they boys are drinking vodka

Yeh a lot of guys do it, so what. Doesnt mean he cant stand up and say he's not doing it.
I dont see why he cant leave his drink there either, it is commonin ireland for ppl to knock back pints before they leave tho.

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

plans have been changed - see previous post

It wasnt really about the plans, it was more the fact that he told you he planned to be home after the match but your immediate thought was you'd get a text after the match saying he was staying out, i.e. he says he'll be home but you think "yeah right".

feellikeaNAG wrote: »

We went to the 2nd pub after the football , and the guy who text me the most actually pulled me aside and said sorry and that he wont text me slagging me again(id a word with his gf this morning)

Im home now and the BFs on the way home now- i actually stayed out with them until half five and had great craic.So things have turned out grand

sorry just read this.
glad to hear it, glad to hear his mates are taking heed of the texting

Dreading this weekend!!!

Comments