Christmas Party Shenanigans

dr.bollocko · 04-12-2008 10:18PM

Bloody outstanding stuff there Nehaxak.
I've always been meaning to start compiling the AH Posts of the day into one thread. Must get around to that some time.

One of my Australian beer and pizza parties they had fairly regularly where I used work back in the day. They dont have the same problem with booze as we do, so the beer and pizza would arrive about 3. We would continue to work after a nice long break but it's nice and casual, a beer at your desk, munching on a pie. Anyways I was under the desk, back to the ground mechanic style to have a look at the back of a PC that was borked. So anyway this chick, mid forties, blonde, thin, and with that rather masculine air of many Melbourne girls decides to put her leg over, as 'twere and then straddle my knees.
I had encountered her a few times before. She knew my name and liked to slag my Irish educated accent.
I only realised what was going on about 4 seconds too late but to my eternal credit I neither kicked her nor smacked my head off of the desk. I cant really remember quite what I did to get myself out of that situation.
I mean this chick is loudly whooping and straddling my knee btw. Other workers have stopped to look and within seconds at least 4 heads are laughing yet disbelieving what they are seeing. I dont know whether it is since that day or since birth but I have recently noticed that my knees are surprisingly sensitive to the touch of a body and is able to recognise certain physical traits through direct touch alone.
The presence or absence of hair on a particular part for example.
Moistness would be another.

CoachBoone · 04-12-2008 10:59PM

Ah now I know what Im gonna be missing on Monday when all the work buds are hammered while Im studying for an exam the next day.

Ugh

foxyboxer · 05-12-2008 12:25AM

I apologise for interrupting them and they say it's no problem and I should stay ! Wait for it...I say to them "NO SORRY I HAVE TO GO HOME TO MY MAMMY" !!!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad: Really like, what a fcking spanner !!!

:D:D:D
absolutely priceless. you made my day!!!!!!

Nehaxak · 05-12-2008 07:15PM

DarkJager wrote: »

You'd be even more pissed to know that a glass of orange juice would have sorted you out in no time

Never works, I have tried that a couple times before on bad mushroom trips or if I got too stoned, really never made any difference though I admit I have seen it work for others.

Glad others got a laugh from my story. I could write a book on the amount of comedic but shítty and embarrassing moments I've had to endure, I'll save them for others threads that might bring up a topic surrounding them maybe

ashyle · 05-12-2008 07:29PM

Mine was at the weekend... I drank so much (bottle of champage to myself, rosé (?) wine, and tequila), ended up on the stage with the band and snogged a questionable workmate .. ha. the oldies in work will make snide comments this week I'm sure!! better than last year's though :pac:

nlgbbbblth · 05-12-2008 10:02PM

milod wrote: »

I've been working 20 years and have never seen so much as a pair of tits being photocopied! Where do yiz all work?! Every year the newspapers roll out the same old xmas party warning stories. I dream of xmas party shananigans like misusing the photocopier and drunken messy fondles in the stationery cupboard...

Best story I ever heard though was from my sister who managed a restaurant. One chap bet another that he wouldn't photocopy his dick, so he disappeared into the office and came out with a photocopy of an enormous bleedin' weapon. He was very popular with the female staff for a while 'til they copped that it had all been a set up and he'd just photocopied a rubber dildo... :pac:

I have been working for 13 years and have always gone to a hotel, pub or restaurant for my Christmas party.

Do many people actually have them in the office?

Loopy · 05-12-2008 10:15PM

Nehaxak wrote: »

Yeah fun times in the past, remember giving a "christmas" kiss to one of the girls I worked with, only I decided I might as well chance my arm and slip the tongue out. She was frozen solid in shock (or hatred!?) with her mouth closed so I ended up just stood there licking her teeth for what seemed like ages :rolleyes:

Probably the worst one ever though was a Christmas party I had while I was working overseas. Went off for a few days holidays in Roatan (little island off the north of Honduras). Thought I'd score a bit of weed so I asked one of the local prostitutes to get me 20 dollars worth. She came back about twenty minutes later with a shopping bag full of weed asking if that was alright ? :eek:

Anyway, ended up with a couple of English girls back at their hut and we made up a few joints. All grand, no problem, bit of a strong high but was all mellow.
One of them pulled out a bong and passed it to me to use, I'd never used one before so was loading the weed in and taking deep drags, not much of a hit on the back of the throat as to what I was used too with the normal joints so was lashing it into me.
About ten minutes later I had lost all ability to speak and about another ten minutes later all comprehension of who I was, where I was and who these two girls kissing each other on the bed and smiling at me were. Aw no, aw God no, not now, no please...
I was all monged out, dribbling spit down the side of my face and I couldn't move a muscle. All I could do was grunt and stare at the two girls going at it with each other. They got pissed off with me after about an hour, came over and helped me to my feet and pushed me out the door

Still all monged out and not knowing who I was or where I was, I was walking around in pitch black darkness and then hearing these sloshing sounds. I found my lighter in my pocket and lit it up, I had managed to walk myself out into the sea and the water was up around my waist. Bit of a shock like, water was really warm anyway but not even knowing what my own name was and why the hell I was standing up to my waist in the sea, kinda kicked a bit of life into me.
Finally managed to walk my way out of the sea and found (what I thought) was the huts I had come from and "where I lived". Randomly going around knocking on hut doors, pushing one of them open and walking inside. There was two Asian girls going at it with each other. Like really, I'm out of my head in a strange country, don't know who I am and not one but two opportunities to partake in a threesome and I'm soaking wet the second time and still all monged out.
I apologise for interrupting them and they say it's no problem and I should stay ! Wait for it...I say to them "NO SORRY I HAVE TO GO HOME TO MY MAMMY" !!!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad: Really like, what a fcking spanner !!!
I walked out, walking around on the street for a fair while and the girl that sold me the big bag of weed meets me and is pissing herself laughing but fair play to her she takes me by the arm and brings me back to my own hut I was staying in.
I end up falling asleep in the hammock outside, waking up early in the morning and covered with mosquito bites all over me

I didn't smoke weed for about 7 years after that happened. I didn't mind the whole being monged out of my head part, what got me the most was that I was so monged out I missed two opportunites in the same night to have a threesome.

Still pisses me off now thinking about it :mad:

Jesus, thanks for giving me a good laugh........... Bloody Bongs!!!

Don13 · 06-12-2008 06:55PM

Nehaxak wrote: »

Yeah fun times in the past, remember giving a "christmas" kiss to one of the girls I worked with, only I decided I might as well chance my arm and slip the tongue out. She was frozen solid in shock (or hatred!?) with her mouth closed so I ended up just stood there licking her teeth for what seemed like ages :rolleyes:

Probably the worst one ever though was a Christmas party I had while I was working overseas. Went off for a few days holidays in Roatan (little island off the north of Honduras). Thought I'd score a bit of weed so I asked one of the local prostitutes to get me 20 dollars worth. She came back about twenty minutes later with a shopping bag full of weed asking if that was alright ? :eek:

Anyway, ended up with a couple of English girls back at their hut and we made up a few joints. All grand, no problem, bit of a strong high but was all mellow.
One of them pulled out a bong and passed it to me to use, I'd never used one before so was loading the weed in and taking deep drags, not much of a hit on the back of the throat as to what I was used too with the normal joints so was lashing it into me.
About ten minutes later I had lost all ability to speak and about another ten minutes later all comprehension of who I was, where I was and who these two girls kissing each other on the bed and smiling at me were. Aw no, aw God no, not now, no please...
I was all monged out, dribbling spit down the side of my face and I couldn't move a muscle. All I could do was grunt and stare at the two girls going at it with each other. They got pissed off with me after about an hour, came over and helped me to my feet and pushed me out the door

Still all monged out and not knowing who I was or where I was, I was walking around in pitch black darkness and then hearing these sloshing sounds. I found my lighter in my pocket and lit it up, I had managed to walk myself out into the sea and the water was up around my waist. Bit of a shock like, water was really warm anyway but not even knowing what my own name was and why the hell I was standing up to my waist in the sea, kinda kicked a bit of life into me.
Finally managed to walk my way out of the sea and found (what I thought) was the huts I had come from and "where I lived". Randomly going around knocking on hut doors, pushing one of them open and walking inside. There was two Asian girls going at it with each other. Like really, I'm out of my head in a strange country, don't know who I am and not one but two opportunities to partake in a threesome and I'm soaking wet the second time and still all monged out.
I apologise for interrupting them and they say it's no problem and I should stay ! Wait for it...I say to them "NO SORRY I HAVE TO GO HOME TO MY MAMMY" !!!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad: Really like, what a fcking spanner !!!
I walked out, walking around on the street for a fair while and the girl that sold me the big bag of weed meets me and is pissing herself laughing but fair play to her she takes me by the arm and brings me back to my own hut I was staying in.
I end up falling asleep in the hammock outside, waking up early in the morning and covered with mosquito bites all over me

I didn't smoke weed for about 7 years after that happened. I didn't mind the whole being monged out of my head part, what got me the most was that I was so monged out I missed two opportunites in the same night to have a threesome.

Still pisses me off now thinking about it :mad:

Great story, but in this state of mind you never know what's real and what's just the work of your imagination...
Anyway, today I'm having my first do with the company I currently work for. Will see what happens...

krudler · 06-12-2008 07:12PM

Not so much a funny story about me but one of my mates became a legend overnight for this, we were out at the typical dinner, too many cocktails and wine, pub, club nights and one of my friends was compltely whipped by his minger of a (now ex) girlfriend, she was ringing and texting him all night and he was going mental as he just wanted to relax and have a laugh, one of thr security team was working part time at night in a strip club and one phone call later we all got invited up there for some after hours drinks and "VIP" treatment, cue a bunch of people, girls included , staggering in to the place which at this point was long closed and only had a clientele of rich businessmen and bored Polish strippers.

my mate left us at the door as he lived not too far away, about a half hour later he rings me and asks to be let in, I get one of the guys to open the door and in he comes fuming, he had gone home and the missus gave out to him for staying out until 3am even though he was stone cold sober, as she was bitching to him while they were lying in bed he thought to himself "**** this" got up, got dressed, rang me, came into the club, slammed down 2 shots of tequila and got a lapdance off 2 Russian chicks while his bitch of a girlfriend was possibly wrecking their apartment at the thought of him actually enjoying himself for once, our hot assistant manager also took it upon herself to try some pole dancing, revealving she was going commando all night, and we stayed there until the sun was starting to come up, then went to supermacs for breakfast, what a night....

IRISH RAIL · 06-12-2008 07:27PM

krudler any jobs going in your place ??????

stoney66 · 06-12-2008 07:30PM

At my christmas party I got fired the next day!! I was absolutely mangled at it. My boss is an attractive young female and somehow I became slighly horny. At some stage during the night I acted on this impulse, got the courage to go up to her, pulled my flute out and told her to suck it.:) After she declined I proceeded to smack her across the face with it. I unfortunately remembered none of this until the next day I arrived in to work to be told I was fired.

Auldloon · 06-12-2008 08:29PM

stoney66 wrote: »

At my christmas party I got fired the next day!! I was absolutely mangled at it. My boss is an attractive young female and somehow I became slighly horny. At some stage during the night I acted on this impulse, got the courage to go up to her, pulled my flute out and told her to suck it.:) After she declined I proceeded to smack her across the face with it. I unfortunately remembered none of this until the next day I arrived in to work to be told I was fired.

Most legendary first post ever. You sir are my new hero. (please let it be true)

Terry · 06-12-2008 09:18PM

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

krudler any jobs going in your place ??????

I was going to ask the same thing.

stoney66 wrote: »

At my christmas party I got fired the next day!! I was absolutely mangled at it. My boss is an attractive young female and somehow I became slighly horny. At some stage during the night I acted on this impulse, got the courage to go up to her, pulled my flute out and told her to suck it.:) After she declined I proceeded to smack her across the face with it. I unfortunately remembered none of this until the next day I arrived in to work to be told I was fired.

That's not very effeicent.

Was you penis at its peak?

Standard Toaster · 06-12-2008 11:33PM

stoney66 wrote: »

At my christmas party I got fired the next day!! I was absolutely mangled at it. My boss is an attractive young female and somehow I became slighly horny. At some stage during the night I acted on this impulse, got the courage to go up to her, pulled my flute out and told her to suck it.:) After she declined I proceeded to smack her across the face with it. I unfortunately remembered none of this until the next day I arrived in to work to be told I was fired.

As much as I'd like to believe this fine story, I doubt this actually happened.

iPlop · 06-12-2008 11:51PM

Years ago when i worked part time in crazy prices we went on our christmas do down to the curragh.Everyone was bannanas loads of free wine and one of the lads F*cks off for a piss (This guy brought his wife to the do) when suddenly one of the lads shouts John is lashing betty out of it in the mens jax (not real names) we all legged it over to the mens jax and it was like the sea parted as we made way for his wife who kicked the door in with her stiletto and bet the sh1te out of him in front of everone(and his mickey was still on a stalker:eek: about 30 people squashed into the mens bog) ,best night ever.
Not for him though ,split up with the wife and she was a cracker.The yoke he was bangin' was a Fcukin' fat cnut with a ronnie :eek:see now ,thats what free wine does

darling.x · 07-12-2008 01:54AM

Theres a lot of good stories here. I'll share mine:

At a xmas party a few yrs ago I had a load to drink before the meal. I was absolutely starving + it took ages to be seated for the meal so i was merry at the start of the meal.
I dropped half of my food on the floor.

A while later, after the meal + during the dancing i met the owner of the establishment at the bar. I couldn't pronounce his name (clement) + i kept calling him cement. I then proceed to give him + every body else hugs.

darling.x · 07-12-2008 02:00AM

And to continue my story, i was sitting at my table sometime late into the night and then i dropped my phone. Went under the table to get. It was fell apart in pieces. Sat under the table for some time fixing my phone together. I got peckish and ate the food i dropped earlier. Dont know how long i was under the table for but somebody had to coax me out.

Dave! · 10-12-2008 12:21PM

Nehaxak wrote: »

Yeah fun times in the past, remember giving a "christmas" kiss to one of the girls I worked with, only I decided I might as well chance my arm and slip the tongue out. She was frozen solid in shock (or hatred!?) with her mouth closed so I ended up just stood there licking her teeth for what seemed like ages :rolleyes:

Probably the worst one ever though was a Christmas party I had while I was working overseas. Went off for a few days holidays in Roatan (little island off the north of Honduras). Thought I'd score a bit of weed so I asked one of the local prostitutes to get me 20 dollars worth. She came back about twenty minutes later with a shopping bag full of weed asking if that was alright ? :eek:

Anyway, ended up with a couple of English girls back at their hut and we made up a few joints. All grand, no problem, bit of a strong high but was all mellow.
One of them pulled out a bong and passed it to me to use, I'd never used one before so was loading the weed in and taking deep drags, not much of a hit on the back of the throat as to what I was used too with the normal joints so was lashing it into me.
About ten minutes later I had lost all ability to speak and about another ten minutes later all comprehension of who I was, where I was and who these two girls kissing each other on the bed and smiling at me were. Aw no, aw God no, not now, no please...
I was all monged out, dribbling spit down the side of my face and I couldn't move a muscle. All I could do was grunt and stare at the two girls going at it with each other. They got pissed off with me after about an hour, came over and helped me to my feet and pushed me out the door

Still all monged out and not knowing who I was or where I was, I was walking around in pitch black darkness and then hearing these sloshing sounds. I found my lighter in my pocket and lit it up, I had managed to walk myself out into the sea and the water was up around my waist. Bit of a shock like, water was really warm anyway but not even knowing what my own name was and why the hell I was standing up to my waist in the sea, kinda kicked a bit of life into me.
Finally managed to walk my way out of the sea and found (what I thought) was the huts I had come from and "where I lived". Randomly going around knocking on hut doors, pushing one of them open and walking inside. There was two Asian girls going at it with each other. Like really, I'm out of my head in a strange country, don't know who I am and not one but two opportunities to partake in a threesome and I'm soaking wet the second time and still all monged out.
I apologise for interrupting them and they say it's no problem and I should stay ! Wait for it...I say to them "NO SORRY I HAVE TO GO HOME TO MY MAMMY" !!!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad: Really like, what a fcking spanner !!!
I walked out, walking around on the street for a fair while and the girl that sold me the big bag of weed meets me and is pissing herself laughing but fair play to her she takes me by the arm and brings me back to my own hut I was staying in.
I end up falling asleep in the hammock outside, waking up early in the morning and covered with mosquito bites all over me

I didn't smoke weed for about 7 years after that happened. I didn't mind the whole being monged out of my head part, what got me the most was that I was so monged out I missed two opportunites in the same night to have a threesome.

Still pisses me off now thinking about it :mad:

Best story EVAR!

anniehoo · 10-12-2008 01:01PM

Nehaxak wrote: »

Yeah fun times in the past, remember giving a "christmas" kiss to one of the girls I worked with, only I decided I might as well chance my arm and slip the tongue out. She was frozen solid in shock (or hatred!?) with her mouth closed so I ended up just stood there licking her teeth for what seemed like ages :rolleyes:

Probably the worst one ever though was a Christmas party I had while I was working overseas. Went off for a few days holidays in Roatan (little island off the north of Honduras). Thought I'd score a bit of weed so I asked one of the local prostitutes to get me 20 dollars worth. She came back about twenty minutes later with a shopping bag full of weed asking if that was alright ? :eek:

Anyway, ended up with a couple of English girls back at their hut and we made up a few joints. All grand, no problem, bit of a strong high but was all mellow.
One of them pulled out a bong and passed it to me to use, I'd never used one before so was loading the weed in and taking deep drags, not much of a hit on the back of the throat as to what I was used too with the normal joints so was lashing it into me.
About ten minutes later I had lost all ability to speak and about another ten minutes later all comprehension of who I was, where I was and who these two girls kissing each other on the bed and smiling at me were. Aw no, aw God no, not now, no please...
I was all monged out, dribbling spit down the side of my face and I couldn't move a muscle. All I could do was grunt and stare at the two girls going at it with each other. They got pissed off with me after about an hour, came over and helped me to my feet and pushed me out the door

Still all monged out and not knowing who I was or where I was, I was walking around in pitch black darkness and then hearing these sloshing sounds. I found my lighter in my pocket and lit it up, I had managed to walk myself out into the sea and the water was up around my waist. Bit of a shock like, water was really warm anyway but not even knowing what my own name was and why the hell I was standing up to my waist in the sea, kinda kicked a bit of life into me.
Finally managed to walk my way out of the sea and found (what I thought) was the huts I had come from and "where I lived". Randomly going around knocking on hut doors, pushing one of them open and walking inside. There was two Asian girls going at it with each other. Like really, I'm out of my head in a strange country, don't know who I am and not one but two opportunities to partake in a threesome and I'm soaking wet the second time and still all monged out.
I apologise for interrupting them and they say it's no problem and I should stay ! Wait for it...I say to them "NO SORRY I HAVE TO GO HOME TO MY MAMMY" !!!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad: Really like, what a fcking spanner !!!
I walked out, walking around on the street for a fair while and the girl that sold me the big bag of weed meets me and is pissing herself laughing but fair play to her she takes me by the arm and brings me back to my own hut I was staying in.
I end up falling asleep in the hammock outside, waking up early in the morning and covered with mosquito bites all over me

I didn't smoke weed for about 7 years after that happened. I didn't mind the whole being monged out of my head part, what got me the most was that I was so monged out I missed two opportunites in the same night to have a threesome.

Still pisses me off now thinking about it :mad:

Absolutely in knots laughin here at that story!! Fair play!

:D:D

Blitzkrieger · 10-12-2008 02:28PM

Did eight people really have to quote Nehaxak's post in full? Just use the thanks button ffs. I'm getting a rsi from scrolling down so much....

MIN2511 · 10-12-2008 08:03PM

My Xmas party was really good- My friend/colleague let me sleep on the couch in the hotel. Apparently i looked "peaceful"

Pepe LeFrits · 10-12-2008 08:12PM

My party is on Friday. 9 of us have booked a bunch of hotel rooms to pile into at the end of the night. I am going to be in the absolute horrors on Saturday morning.

ABEasy · 11-12-2008 12:54AM

stoney66 wrote: »

At my christmas party I got fired the next day!! I was absolutely mangled at it. My boss is an attractive young female and somehow I became slighly horny. At some stage during the night I acted on this impulse, got the courage to go up to her, pulled my flute out and told her to suck it.:) After she declined I proceeded to smack her across the face with it. I unfortunately remembered none of this until the next day I arrived in to work to be told I was fired.

Should really have only gotten a written warning....

taram · 11-12-2008 01:27AM

Had a respectable dinner with a small glass of wine in a fancy resturant in town with all the staff, then my two bosses and the other 4 receptionists decided to go to a dive down the docks, drank self stupid and we danced on the tables...was going well until one of the girls broke the table, got kicked out, spent the rest of the night in my boss's garden burning things. Woke up in a shed, best night ever, he cooked us all a big fry.

Worst night out was when I was 16 in my first job, hadn't started drinking yet, was given a shot of tequila after a few pints, super woozy, had the tequila, threw up on my manager.

17-12-2008 01:06AM

One of my friends (20yr old male) managed to score the boss last week at his christmas party.

Wouldn't be too big a deal in most places, only she's thirty years older than every single other staff member..

She's also a good friend of our other friend's mum.

The thoughts of it happening still gives me the giggles....

MIN2511 · 17-12-2008 10:15AM

Deleted User wrote: »

One of my friends (20yr old male) managed to score the boss last week at his christmas party.

Wouldn't be too big a deal in most places, only she's thirty years older than every single other staff member..

She's also a good friend of our other friend's mum.

The thoughts of it happening still gives me the giggles....

She likes em young

KellyG · 17-12-2008 01:35PM

Big Knox wrote: »

I once got "removed" from our work xmas party for fighting with an inflatable plant decoration they had. Sapposidly I was warned twice before to stop but that god damn plant wasn't gonna get the better of me, so I was forcefully removed. Problem was this all went down in the main dining / dance hall in front of pretty much everyone, about 300 or so and somone was even good enough to take pictures of it and on monday they were doin the rounds.

I still work there and have our xmas party tomorrow night.

Good times!!

That is excellent.. Well done, this made my day :pac:

Christmas Party Shenanigans

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