Is he inconsiderate and scabby or am I expecting too much??!

dellym123 · 20-11-2008 05:20PM #1

i am with my boyfriend for 4 months now and iv come to realise afew things over the past few weeks, which has left me confused and slightly saddened!
we get on very well hes sound etc etc but when it comes to doin anything for me, like for example if i ask him to get me a glass of water in his house! he seems to think alot of it if he does eventually do it. he rarely puts his hand in his pocket, i was kinda nervous in the cinema queue last night wondering wud we be paying for our own tickets but was surprised when he paid in for me too. but i knew id have to get all his sweets,popcorn and drink, it is just expected of me seeing as he paid in.this morning we were gettin breakfast rolls and he was just ahead of me in the q, he paid for his own as i stood beside him and walked out the shop door, not even waiting for me. for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them. sometimes id rather just stay in ,save the discomfort. but it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back. he reckons, because he suggested afew drinks after our lunch that he pays. the fact that my bf expects it all back, i think takes the goodness out of things. he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week. i dont want us to be about money, i would go splits with him on things if it was even all the time, but for afew weeks there i seemed to be buying everything for us without him even dreaming of suggesting to pay for a thing.if he offered to pay for something but i ended up paying i wudnt mind, its the thought that counts.
i have spent the day wondering am i expecting too much from him as a bf?! should i continue to pay for him and me if he doesnt bother to offer to pay? iv given afew subtle hints to which i think he has chosen to ignore. iv never been showered with gifts from any bf by any means, iv always been happy with things being even but he has not bought me one thing since we got 2gdr, and wen we go out, its exact even rounds or its me buying more than him! I dont want him to buy me everything, i like things to be fair, but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.
is this too much to ask?
has anyone out there had the same issue?how did you deal with it? i would like to broach the subject with him but dont know how to approach it or what to say without sounding like im putting him down or comparing him to past generosities. :eek:

Terry · 20-11-2008 05:22PM

Moved from AH.

Hail 2 Da Chimp · 20-11-2008 05:24PM

Sneak edit: Not in AH any more.

ScumLord · 20-11-2008 05:25PM

He's obviously been reading the "treat em' mean to keep em' keen" book.

SheroN · 20-11-2008 05:25PM

you're expecting too much.

Anti · 20-11-2008 05:27PM

yup. expecting too much i think.

John Mason · 20-11-2008 05:29PM

me and my OH pay for everything splits, i would never expect him to pay for my breakfast roll

shellyboo · 20-11-2008 05:32PM

I was in a relationship with a guy like this for five years. At the time, I thought nothing of it - we were students, money was tight. We moved in together and things got more serious. I always had a 'what's mine is yours' attitude, so wouldn't have thought twice about paying for him or anything like that. In our last year together, I was in a very demanding job that paid very little - so that year, he bore the brunt of our finances, rent etc. Not a word was said about loans or owing anyone anything... that is, of course, until we broke up. A year and a half later I still get phone calls from him demanding that I owe him thousands of euro - not sure how's he calculated it, but I think he's taken into account every meal, present, and drink he ever bought me. It kills me that he's reduced our 5-year relationship to how much money I cost him... but now, when I look back, I can see it was coming all along.

Now I'm with a guy who won't let me pay for ANYTHING, ever. Won't let me buy him a drink, dinner, give him petrol money, anything... he gets quite offended if I even offer. The difference, for me, is astounding - and because it's so new to me, I'm hugely appreciative. And me being appreciative is new to him since he's used to women expecting this kind of treatment.

So, my advice to you? You either need to reconcile with the fact that your bf is never going to be the kind of guy you want him to be money-wise and be prepared to pay your own way all the time, or else you need to move on. If I were you, I'd choose the latter - because judging by his behaviour, it would seem that money is very important to him... perhaps the most important thing.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2008 05:34PM

Well, if I'm going out with someone, I'm happy to buy drinks but I'd expect the girl to be buying me "some" back. Usually one for one.

Went out with a girl earlier this year and realised that I had been buying her beer all night and never got any back - thought that a bit odd.

The way I work it is either splits evenly or "you buy this meal, I buy the next" unless I want to treat them to something nice - so I might either pay for both of us, or buy ingredients and make dinner but he's being scabby if he's not buying you a breakfast roll. At least he could offer - as you say, it's the thought that counts.

[WoW] · 20-11-2008 05:34PM

o i was kinda in this situation with my bf. we would always go halves on everything even tho he earns 4/5 times as much as me. i didnt think a while lot of it but at the same time it kind of annoyed me because my best friends boyf ALWAYS paid for their meals etc whereas i was nearly always expected to go halfers. i think some chivarly is nice even just little things. even for our very first date i paid for my own cinema ticket! i made jokey comments about it sometimes but to no effect. it doesnt work imo. hes not all bad, dont get me wrong but yes it annoyed me too. worst thing is you cant really say anything without looking bad. it would be a different story if you both earned the same amount of money but a little treat here and there wont break his bank!
he's now my ex so this probably doesnt help at all

Loopy · 20-11-2008 05:34PM

I think your man sounds like a real tightarse..

Splitting the cost is ok but you seem to buying more than your share which is unfair, regardless of him earning 4 times the amount you do.. The fact that this is affecting your social life means this is obviously really affecting your relationship..

BaZmO* · 20-11-2008 05:34PM

dellym123 wrote: »

i was kinda nervous in the cinema queue last night wondering wud we be paying for our own tickets but was surprised when he paid in for me too. but i knew id have to get all his sweets,popcorn and drink, it is just expected of me seeing as he paid in.

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.

dellym123 wrote: »

for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them.

So you were fine about it until your friends said something? Who's going out with him you or your friends?

dellym123 wrote: »

but it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back. he reckons, because he suggested afew drinks after our lunch that he pays.

That's just wrong. The only reason a male friend would offer to pay for all the drinks is if he was trying to get jiggy with you.

I know it might seem that I'm having a go at you by my replies but I'm not, it's just that those points seem so odd and it just seems that you don't really have a problem with your boyfriends behaviour until other people tell you that you do.

Anti · 20-11-2008 05:36PM

BaZmO* wrote: »

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.

So you were fine about it until your friends said something? Who's going out with him you or your friends?

That's just wrong. The only reason a male friend would offer to pay for all the drinks is if he was trying to get jiggy with you.

I know it might seem that I'm having a go at you by my replies but I'm not, it's just that those points seem so odd and it just seems that you don't really have a problem with your boyfriends behaviour until other people tell you that you do.

QFT !!

petethebrick · 20-11-2008 05:38PM

Your point sounds valid I think. While I think it is right for couples to split costs evenly enough, it should be done on a turn by turn basis- not each pays for their own every time. Like you mention -at the cinema one can pay in and the other gets snacks etc. Especially if he's earning a lot more than you it'd be nice if he made a move to pay more often etc
I think you're right to feel he's being scabby but it's difficult to broach without being offensive I reckon. If you find that you're paying more than your fair share when he is obviously better off I'd mention it though (subtely)

jim o doom · 20-11-2008 05:39PM

my view on this; I'm a pretty lazy bloke myself - so stuff like someone (aka my other half) asking me to get something, tends to get greeted with belligerence. Does this mean I am a douche? yes it does - it's one of my worst qualities! The fact that I know it doesn't help though. However I do pay for a lot of stuff - sometimes we split bills, sometimes she pays, lots and lots of times I pay - she earns more than me, but I have a lot of savings, so I'm happy enough with that. Plus I reckon she's a saint and I am her punishment for crimes in a previous life

but away from my boring life and on to the crux of the matter; Yeah he is inconsiderate and scabby - well from how you paint the picture anyway. I would suggest instead of "dropping hints" you tell him outright how you feel about this.. a lot of us men are more or less totally immune to hints and need it written on a baseball bat & then beaten into us before we understand..

Malari · 20-11-2008 05:40PM

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

me and my OH pay for everything splits, i would never expect him to pay for my breakfast roll

Us too, pretty even. Having said that, if he has money out at the till and is paying for his own, he'll throw my sandwich in with it. Only because he knows I'll get his the next time. I like it that way.

beth-lou · 20-11-2008 05:44PM

I think splitting the costs is fair, especially at the start of a relationship. That way neither of you owe the other anything and it keeps things simple.

As far as the cinema goes, one pays for the tickets and the other for the snacks. That's pretty normal.

Dinner, well it would be nice if you pay one time nad him the next.

The thing is, you're only together 4 months and you say he earns more than you. Does he also have more outgoings than you?

Anyways, on the gift thing. That works both ways. Have you bought him anything special as a surprise? Maybe you should do that and see if he reciprocates. If not, then maybe he is a bit on the tight side. Maybe he thinks you can afford to go halves.

Personally I always prefered to pay my way, regardless of how much I or the oh earned. I work, I have my own cash, I pay my own way. The odd treat is nice, but I wouldn't expect the guy to pay most of the time jus tbecause he's a guy.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2008 05:46PM

dellym123 wrote: »

for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them.

you were fine with it until your friends heard about it? why go along with what your friends are used to? not all guys are the same

dellym123 wrote: »

it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back

once again not all guys are the same

dellym123 wrote: »

he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week. i dont want us to be about money,

now you are contradicting yourself!! how much he earns is none of your business and even if he was a millionaire it does not mean that he has to splash out more than you

dellym123 wrote: »

i have spent the day wondering am i expecting too much from him as a bf?!

sounds like you are with the wrong type of guy. if you don't like the way he is find a new boyfriend. do not even try and change his habits.[/QUOTE]

dellym123 wrote: »

but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.

dellym123 wrote: »

you expect treats ???!!! I'm sorry but that sounds like you are only with him so that you can get something out of it

dellym123 wrote: »

what to say without sounding like im putting him down or comparing him to past generosities.

there is no polite way of saying this to him. if you say it to him he will know you are only interested in what you can get from him. presents, money, meals etc...

Lollipops23 · 20-11-2008 05:47PM

he sounds a bit scabby. i certainly think it's fair to pay half and half for dinner but every guy i know(i mean literally!!) would treat a girl to a few drinks here and there!when i first started seeing my OH he would get a round andf when it came to my shout he'd only let me pay for my own!
but he does sound like a tight git...

AngryBadger · 20-11-2008 05:51PM

I think you need to listen to your friends less and decide for yourself. Splitting everything sounds fair enough to me. You mention paying for a lot of stuff yourself, why would you do that? if you do that you're sending the message that you're happy with this, if you want him to pay more you need to say it to him, he's not a mind reader.

Also, you're with this guy 4 months, that's no length of time for a relationship, why should he suddenly be spending all his money on you?

Amazotheamazing · 20-11-2008 05:55PM

My girlfriend is my equal, she spoils me now and again, and now and again I spoil her, but why would anyone expect anything other than equality in a relationship?

[WoW] · 20-11-2008 05:57PM

there should be equality in every relationship but if he is a lot better off than her, at least for the time being, he should be able to buy her a drink or two..

metrovelvet · 20-11-2008 06:01PM

Get out now. I got pregnant by a cheap accountant of a man and he only pays 200 a month maintenance and all he does as a father, which is nothing, is complain that he cant have a financial abortion.

Koushki · 20-11-2008 06:10PM

I don't think you're expecting too much. I think he's being well scabby. When i first went out with my boyfriend he pretty much paid for everything every time we went out or did anything cause i had no money at all, now i have come into money i try my best to pay back everything he has done for me but we still buy each other stuff all the time. i'd buy one round, he'd buy one. I'll buy him lunch, he'll buy me dinner sorta thing. and we always seem to spend roughly the same amount of money.
i just think, whats the point of money, if you dont have anyone to spend it on.

He's being a crap boyfriend in my opinion. If it bothers you that much, you might as well not be with him.

i-digress · 20-11-2008 06:14PM

When me and my other half first got together I insisted on paying for my half of everything, we were students and on the same level. Now he is employed full time and I'm still in college he pays for most things but I still feel that I need to pay for certain things for my own pride as much as anything else.

I see nothing too bad in what he's doing to be honest. It's not important, I think, how much someone spends on you. What is important is that he would spend the money on you if you needed it. Theory rather than practice.

There's nothing worse than a mean person, but I don't get the feeling from your post that that's what he is.

Malari · 20-11-2008 06:20PM

i-digress wrote: »

When me and my other half first got together I insisted on paying for my half of everything, we were students and on the same level. Now he is employed full time and I'm still in college he pays for most things but I still feel that I need to pay for certain things for my own pride as much as anything else.

I see nothing too bad in what he's doing to be honest. It's not important, I think, how much someone spends on you. What is important is that he would spend the money on you if you needed it. Theory rather than practice.

There's nothing worse than a mean person, but I don't get the feeling from your post that that's what he is.

I think after 4 months you have the measure of what a guy is like. I know I had stopped actually calculating who had paid for what at this stage. He seems ok to me and some other posters here but if you are not happy with this arrangement, then I suggest you try and find yourself someone who is willing to pay for more things for you. Some men find it emasculating to let women pay for things. Some women want the equality of paying their fair share.

Carturo · 20-11-2008 06:22PM

BaZmO* wrote: »

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.

Yeah a lot of people do that but he's your boyfriend ffs. OK so you split things for time to time but where's the fun if you don't actually treat your girl and pay for everything too? And vice versa. You give it a little you get it paid back one way or another, not saying that's the reason to do it but you know what I mean! It's nice to treat and it's nice to be treated.

You're boyfriend's sounds like a tightwad and a lot of other things I can't really say!

gerrycollins · 20-11-2008 06:29PM

jim o doom wrote: »

my view on this; I'm a pretty lazy bloke myself - so stuff like someone (aka my other half) asking me to get something, tends to get greeted with belligerence. Does this mean I am a douche? yes it does - it's one of my worst qualities! The fact that I know it doesn't help though. However I do pay for a lot of stuff - sometimes we split bills, sometimes she pays, lots and lots of times I pay - she earns more than me, but I have a lot of savings, so I'm happy enough with that. Plus I reckon she's a saint and I am her punishment for crimes in a previous life but away from my boring life and on to the crux of the matter; Yeah he is inconsiderate and scabby - well from how you paint the picture anyway. I would suggest instead of "dropping hints" you tell him outright how you feel about this.. a lot of us men are more or less totally immune to hints and need it written on a baseball bat & then beaten into us before we understand..

what ever he does or doesnt pay for it look like there are no "rules" for who pays what. some posters have mentioned that "if I pay for the tickets you pay for the popcorn" and that is fine by most people but the OP seem unclear about her position

Maybe you should discuss this with ur bf and decide what the etiquette will be. if he is unwilling to discuss or sides in majority favour to himself then its curtains.

IMO paying should alternate not split,too much confusion.

Crackerspray · 20-11-2008 06:29PM

I think you have a point, he needs to know how to treat a lady, but you cant expect him to treat you all the time! Splitting bills is one thing, but being a complete scab is another!

You also have to look at the fact that all your worrying about is the amount of money he's spending on you... do you really want a b/f or just an ATM?? Or maybe its just a case that your not suited to each other... I'v met him, and hes not that great! :cool:

LegacyUser · 20-11-2008 06:33PM

Yes I think you are expecting to much. You shouldn't expect a man to pay your way for you just because your a woman. Those days are gone, thank goodness. Chivalry was was only ever the accpetable face of Misogynsm anyway if you ask me.

Your male friend who bourght you al the drinks sounds very generous, but like someone else suggested I would question his motives. To be honest I would feel uncomfortable having someone pay for me like that.

buckieburd · 20-11-2008 06:42PM

He sounds totally miserable! I'm all for paying my way, if my boyf buys a round I would buy the next one, but if i was a bit skint he would look after me and vice versa. I would suggest you get out now, if he's like this now imagine what he will be like in 10 years!!

Is he inconsiderate and scabby or am I expecting too much??!

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