Is he inconsiderate and scabby or am I expecting too much??!

dellym123

i am with my boyfriend for 4 months now and iv come to realise afew things over the past few weeks, which has left me confused and slightly saddened!
we get on very well hes sound etc etc but when it comes to doin anything for me, like for example if i ask him to get me a glass of water in his house! he seems to think alot of it if he does eventually do it. he rarely puts his hand in his pocket, i was kinda nervous in the cinema queue last night wondering wud we be paying for our own tickets but was surprised when he paid in for me too. but i knew id have to get all his sweets,popcorn and drink, it is just expected of me seeing as he paid in.this morning we were gettin breakfast rolls and he was just ahead of me in the q, he paid for his own as i stood beside him and walked out the shop door, not even waiting for me. for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them. sometimes id rather just stay in ,save the discomfort. but it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back. he reckons, because he suggested afew drinks after our lunch that he pays. the fact that my bf expects it all back, i think takes the goodness out of things. he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week. i dont want us to be about money, i would go splits with him on things if it was even all the time, but for afew weeks there i seemed to be buying everything for us without him even dreaming of suggesting to pay for a thing.if he offered to pay for something but i ended up paying i wudnt mind, its the thought that counts.
i have spent the day wondering am i expecting too much from him as a bf?! should i continue to pay for him and me if he doesnt bother to offer to pay? iv given afew subtle hints to which i think he has chosen to ignore. iv never been showered with gifts from any bf by any means, iv always been happy with things being even but he has not bought me one thing since we got 2gdr, and wen we go out, its exact even rounds or its me buying more than him! I dont want him to buy me everything, i like things to be fair, but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.
is this too much to ask?
has anyone out there had the same issue?how did you deal with it? i would like to broach the subject with him but dont know how to approach it or what to say without sounding like im putting him down or comparing him to past generosities. :eek:

Terry

Moved from AH.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Sneak edit: Not in AH any more.

ScumLord

He's obviously been reading the "treat em' mean to keep em' keen" book.

SheroN

you're expecting too much.

Anti

yup. expecting too much i think.

John Mason

me and my OH pay for everything splits, i would never expect him to pay for my breakfast roll

shellyboo

I was in a relationship with a guy like this for five years. At the time, I thought nothing of it - we were students, money was tight. We moved in together and things got more serious. I always had a 'what's mine is yours' attitude, so wouldn't have thought twice about paying for him or anything like that. In our last year together, I was in a very demanding job that paid very little - so that year, he bore the brunt of our finances, rent etc. Not a word was said about loans or owing anyone anything... that is, of course, until we broke up. A year and a half later I still get phone calls from him demanding that I owe him thousands of euro - not sure how's he calculated it, but I think he's taken into account every meal, present, and drink he ever bought me. It kills me that he's reduced our 5-year relationship to how much money I cost him... but now, when I look back, I can see it was coming all along.

Now I'm with a guy who won't let me pay for ANYTHING, ever. Won't let me buy him a drink, dinner, give him petrol money, anything... he gets quite offended if I even offer. The difference, for me, is astounding - and because it's so new to me, I'm hugely appreciative. And me being appreciative is new to him since he's used to women expecting this kind of treatment.

So, my advice to you? You either need to reconcile with the fact that your bf is never going to be the kind of guy you want him to be money-wise and be prepared to pay your own way all the time, or else you need to move on. If I were you, I'd choose the latter - because judging by his behaviour, it would seem that money is very important to him... perhaps the most important thing.

LegacyUser

Well, if I'm going out with someone, I'm happy to buy drinks but I'd expect the girl to be buying me "some" back. Usually one for one.

Went out with a girl earlier this year and realised that I had been buying her beer all night and never got any back - thought that a bit odd.

The way I work it is either splits evenly or "you buy this meal, I buy the next" unless I want to treat them to something nice - so I might either pay for both of us, or buy ingredients and make dinner but he's being scabby if he's not buying you a breakfast roll. At least he could offer - as you say, it's the thought that counts.

[WoW]

o i was kinda in this situation with my bf. we would always go halves on everything even tho he earns 4/5 times as much as me. i didnt think a while lot of it but at the same time it kind of annoyed me because my best friends boyf ALWAYS paid for their meals etc whereas i was nearly always expected to go halfers. i think some chivarly is nice even just little things. even for our very first date i paid for my own cinema ticket! i made jokey comments about it sometimes but to no effect. it doesnt work imo. hes not all bad, dont get me wrong but yes it annoyed me too. worst thing is you cant really say anything without looking bad. it would be a different story if you both earned the same amount of money but a little treat here and there wont break his bank!
he's now my ex so this probably doesnt help at all

Loopy

I think your man sounds like a real tightarse..

Splitting the cost is ok but you seem to buying more than your share which is unfair, regardless of him earning 4 times the amount you do.. The fact that this is affecting your social life means this is obviously really affecting your relationship..

BaZmO*

dellym123 wrote: »

i was kinda nervous in the cinema queue last night wondering wud we be paying for our own tickets but was surprised when he paid in for me too. but i knew id have to get all his sweets,popcorn and drink, it is just expected of me seeing as he paid in.

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.

dellym123 wrote: »

for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them.

So you were fine about it until your friends said something? Who's going out with him you or your friends?

dellym123 wrote: »

but it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back. he reckons, because he suggested afew drinks after our lunch that he pays.

That's just wrong. The only reason a male friend would offer to pay for all the drinks is if he was trying to get jiggy with you.


I know it might seem that I'm having a go at you by my replies but I'm not, it's just that those points seem so odd and it just seems that you don't really have a problem with your boyfriends behaviour until other people tell you that you do.

Anti

BaZmO* wrote: »

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.



So you were fine about it until your friends said something? Who's going out with him you or your friends?



That's just wrong. The only reason a male friend would offer to pay for all the drinks is if he was trying to get jiggy with you.


I know it might seem that I'm having a go at you by my replies but I'm not, it's just that those points seem so odd and it just seems that you don't really have a problem with your boyfriends behaviour until other people tell you that you do.

QFT !!

petethebrick

Your point sounds valid I think. While I think it is right for couples to split costs evenly enough, it should be done on a turn by turn basis- not each pays for their own every time. Like you mention -at the cinema one can pay in and the other gets snacks etc. Especially if he's earning a lot more than you it'd be nice if he made a move to pay more often etc
I think you're right to feel he's being scabby but it's difficult to broach without being offensive I reckon. If you find that you're paying more than your fair share when he is obviously better off I'd mention it though (subtely)

jim o doom

my view on this; I'm a pretty lazy bloke myself - so stuff like someone (aka my other half) asking me to get something, tends to get greeted with belligerence. Does this mean I am a douche? yes it does - it's one of my worst qualities! The fact that I know it doesn't help though. However I do pay for a lot of stuff - sometimes we split bills, sometimes she pays, lots and lots of times I pay - she earns more than me, but I have a lot of savings, so I'm happy enough with that. Plus I reckon she's a saint and I am her punishment for crimes in a previous life but away from my boring life and on to the crux of the matter; Yeah he is inconsiderate and scabby - well from how you paint the picture anyway. I would suggest instead of "dropping hints" you tell him outright how you feel about this.. a lot of us men are more or less totally immune to hints and need it written on a baseball bat & then beaten into us before we understand..

Malari

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

me and my OH pay for everything splits, i would never expect him to pay for my breakfast roll

Us too, pretty even. Having said that, if he has money out at the till and is paying for his own, he'll throw my sandwich in with it. Only because he knows I'll get his the next time. I like it that way.

beth-lou

I think splitting the costs is fair, especially at the start of a relationship. That way neither of you owe the other anything and it keeps things simple.

As far as the cinema goes, one pays for the tickets and the other for the snacks. That's pretty normal.

Dinner, well it would be nice if you pay one time nad him the next.

The thing is, you're only together 4 months and you say he earns more than you. Does he also have more outgoings than you?

Anyways, on the gift thing. That works both ways. Have you bought him anything special as a surprise? Maybe you should do that and see if he reciprocates. If not, then maybe he is a bit on the tight side. Maybe he thinks you can afford to go halves.

Personally I always prefered to pay my way, regardless of how much I or the oh earned. I work, I have my own cash, I pay my own way. The odd treat is nice, but I wouldn't expect the guy to pay most of the time jus tbecause he's a guy.

LegacyUser

dellym123 wrote: »

for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,to which i thought was fair nuf until my female mates were in shock when i told them.

you were fine with it until your friends heard about it? why go along with what your friends are used to? not all guys are the same

dellym123 wrote: »

it was only when i was out for a few drinks with a male friend recently , that i realised i had to nearly sneak to the bar to try to buy him a drink back

once again not all guys are the same

dellym123 wrote: »

he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week. i dont want us to be about money,

now you are contradicting yourself!! how much he earns is none of your business and even if he was a millionaire it does not mean that he has to splash out more than you

dellym123 wrote: »

i have spent the day wondering am i expecting too much from him as a bf?!

sounds like you are with the wrong type of guy. if you don't like the way he is find a new boyfriend. do not even try and change his habits.[/QUOTE]

dellym123 wrote: »

but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.

dellym123 wrote: »

you expect treats ???!!! I'm sorry but that sounds like you are only with him so that you can get something out of it

dellym123 wrote: »

what to say without sounding like im putting him down or comparing him to past generosities.

there is no polite way of saying this to him. if you say it to him he will know you are only interested in what you can get from him. presents, money, meals etc...

Lollipops23

he sounds a bit scabby. i certainly think it's fair to pay half and half for dinner but every guy i know(i mean literally!!) would treat a girl to a few drinks here and there!when i first started seeing my OH he would get a round andf when it came to my shout he'd only let me pay for my own!
but he does sound like a tight git...

AngryBadger

I think you need to listen to your friends less and decide for yourself. Splitting everything sounds fair enough to me. You mention paying for a lot of stuff yourself, why would you do that? if you do that you're sending the message that you're happy with this, if you want him to pay more you need to say it to him, he's not a mind reader.

Also, you're with this guy 4 months, that's no length of time for a relationship, why should he suddenly be spending all his money on you?

Amazotheamazing

My girlfriend is my equal, she spoils me now and again, and now and again I spoil her, but why would anyone expect anything other than equality in a relationship?

[WoW]

there should be equality in every relationship but if he is a lot better off than her, at least for the time being, he should be able to buy her a drink or two..

metrovelvet

Get out now. I got pregnant by a cheap accountant of a man and he only pays 200 a month maintenance and all he does as a father, which is nothing, is complain that he cant have a financial abortion.

Koushki

I don't think you're expecting too much. I think he's being well scabby. When i first went out with my boyfriend he pretty much paid for everything every time we went out or did anything cause i had no money at all, now i have come into money i try my best to pay back everything he has done for me but we still buy each other stuff all the time. i'd buy one round, he'd buy one. I'll buy him lunch, he'll buy me dinner sorta thing. and we always seem to spend roughly the same amount of money.
i just think, whats the point of money, if you dont have anyone to spend it on.

He's being a crap boyfriend in my opinion. If it bothers you that much, you might as well not be with him.

i-digress

When me and my other half first got together I insisted on paying for my half of everything, we were students and on the same level. Now he is employed full time and I'm still in college he pays for most things but I still feel that I need to pay for certain things for my own pride as much as anything else.

I see nothing too bad in what he's doing to be honest. It's not important, I think, how much someone spends on you. What is important is that he would spend the money on you if you needed it. Theory rather than practice.

There's nothing worse than a mean person, but I don't get the feeling from your post that that's what he is.

Malari

i-digress wrote: »

When me and my other half first got together I insisted on paying for my half of everything, we were students and on the same level. Now he is employed full time and I'm still in college he pays for most things but I still feel that I need to pay for certain things for my own pride as much as anything else.

I see nothing too bad in what he's doing to be honest. It's not important, I think, how much someone spends on you. What is important is that he would spend the money on you if you needed it. Theory rather than practice.

There's nothing worse than a mean person, but I don't get the feeling from your post that that's what he is.

I think after 4 months you have the measure of what a guy is like. I know I had stopped actually calculating who had paid for what at this stage. He seems ok to me and some other posters here but if you are not happy with this arrangement, then I suggest you try and find yourself someone who is willing to pay for more things for you. Some men find it emasculating to let women pay for things. Some women want the equality of paying their fair share.

Carturo

BaZmO* wrote: »

Thems the cinema rules. It's either pay for the tickets or pay for the popcorn.

Yeah a lot of people do that but he's your boyfriend ffs. OK so you split things for time to time but where's the fun if you don't actually treat your girl and pay for everything too? And vice versa. You give it a little you get it paid back one way or another, not saying that's the reason to do it but you know what I mean! It's nice to treat and it's nice to be treated.

You're boyfriend's sounds like a tightwad and a lot of other things I can't really say!

gerrycollins

jim o doom wrote: »

my view on this; I'm a pretty lazy bloke myself - so stuff like someone (aka my other half) asking me to get something, tends to get greeted with belligerence. Does this mean I am a douche? yes it does - it's one of my worst qualities! The fact that I know it doesn't help though. However I do pay for a lot of stuff - sometimes we split bills, sometimes she pays, lots and lots of times I pay - she earns more than me, but I have a lot of savings, so I'm happy enough with that. Plus I reckon she's a saint and I am her punishment for crimes in a previous life but away from my boring life and on to the crux of the matter; Yeah he is inconsiderate and scabby - well from how you paint the picture anyway. I would suggest instead of "dropping hints" you tell him outright how you feel about this.. a lot of us men are more or less totally immune to hints and need it written on a baseball bat & then beaten into us before we understand..

what ever he does or doesnt pay for it look like there are no "rules" for who pays what. some posters have mentioned that "if I pay for the tickets you pay for the popcorn" and that is fine by most people but the OP seem unclear about her position

Maybe you should discuss this with ur bf and decide what the etiquette will be. if he is unwilling to discuss or sides in majority favour to himself then its curtains.

IMO paying should alternate not split,too much confusion.

Crackerspray

I think you have a point, he needs to know how to treat a lady, but you cant expect him to treat you all the time! Splitting bills is one thing, but being a complete scab is another!

You also have to look at the fact that all your worrying about is the amount of money he's spending on you... do you really want a b/f or just an ATM?? Or maybe its just a case that your not suited to each other... I'v met him, and hes not that great! :cool:

LegacyUser

Yes I think you are expecting to much. You shouldn't expect a man to pay your way for you just because your a woman. Those days are gone, thank goodness. Chivalry was was only ever the accpetable face of Misogynsm anyway if you ask me.

Your male friend who bourght you al the drinks sounds very generous, but like someone else suggested I would question his motives. To be honest I would feel uncomfortable having someone pay for me like that.

buckieburd

He sounds totally miserable! I'm all for paying my way, if my boyf buys a round I would buy the next one, but if i was a bit skint he would look after me and vice versa. I would suggest you get out now, if he's like this now imagine what he will be like in 10 years!!

daisybelle2008

He sounds like a complete tightars*e. Yuck there is no greater turn off. As it is affecting your social life already, beware it will affect your sex life next. It is very hard to get turned on by a stingy bloke. Your friends are not wrong to be shocked, he earns 4 times as much as you!
With any of my BF's how they made an impression on me was their generosity, and no I did not take advantage, but the fact is they were generous and wanted to treat me. It is very sexy in a man. In my experience stingy men are also crap in bed and treat foreplay as currency that they don't want to spend . I went out with a guy on a first date that expected the bill to be split :eek:.....he asked me out!! Needless to say never bothered with him again.
For the guys here saying it is reasonable :rolleyes:. Yeah...whatever. He is a tightwad and like the other poster who had a child with one said, it only gets worse.

Crackerspray

Crackerspray wrote:

do you really want a b/f or just an ATM??

this really sums it up for me

not to mention:
you were fine with it until your friends said otherwise
you're going out 4 months, not 4 years
if you can't communicate with him or be upfront about an issue like this, where exactly do you see the relationship going...

I don't know why you're mentioning the breakfast roll issue in the OP - I sincerely hope it's because he didn't wait for you, rather than didn't pay for you. Because if it's the latter you do have to wonder what you're really looking for

Chinafoot

My lord, I'm amazed by some of the female responses here. I'm sure most of you would be disgusted if your man suggested you belong in the kitchen so why on earth would you expect him to pay your way?

OP, you definitely are expecting too much. Relationships shouldn't be about money but from the sounds of things, the only person making it about money is you. Why on earth should your boyfriend pay for you? Are you unemployed? A student with absolutely no income? If you can't afford the dinners out or the trips to the cinema then you shoud find a more affordable way to spend your time together. I find your cinema example very amusing. He paid for the tickets, grand. Then you moan about the fact that you have to buy the goodies. Do you think he should have to pay for everything? That's hardly fair on him. As has already been mentioned, your mates opionion should have absolutely no bearing on your relationship. Why does he have to pay for the meal? You expect him to pay for it, yet you're annoyed at having to buy the popcorn after he paid for the tickets? Cop yourself on. Don't pay for everything for him and don't expect gifts or treats. If you're in the pub and it's his round say "off you go, I'll have the same again".

However much he makes is irrelevant. If you can't afford to do things together then you need to either change your lifestyle or find yourself a man who is stuck in the dark ages and will happily pay for everything. Don't be too surprised though if this "chivalry" is part and parcel of your lesser role in the relationship. You can't demand equality while pissing and moaning about how unfair it is for you to be expected to pay your own way. I'm no feminist but this attitude sickens me.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we split things evenly, that includes bills, rent, and nights out. If we don't pay 50/50 at the time, one of us will pay one night and the other pays the next. I would never expect him to pay for everything simply because he's the man and he happens to make more money than me. We have an equal relationship where we are financially independent and it works great.

I'd suggest you stop reading Mills and Boon, realise that your mates are pretty clueless as to what happens in a real relationship, and stop expecting your boyfriend to pay your way or buy you gifts. Gifts and treats after 4 months? For what exactly??

Biggins

Speaking as a bloke, the op's other half sounds like a right tight-arse.
Others clearly disagree but what has happened to old fashioned manners?

Chinafoot

Biggins wrote: »

Others clearly disagree but what has happened to old fashioned manners?

They're old-fashioned, thats what. Why is it that the man has to buy gifts, treats, popcorn, tickets and dinner? It's ridiculous to expect such things in this day and age.

Biggins

Biggins wrote: »

Speaking as a bloke, the op's other half sounds like a right tight-arse.
Others clearly disagree but what has happened to old fashioned manners?

Waiting for the OP in the shop would have been manners
Paying for everything definitely does not fall under the category of "manners"

Not to mention I'm starting to find it amusing that someone who is complaining at having to split costs and not getting treats and gifts is calling someone else scabby...

j0605

Biggins wrote: »

Speaking as a bloke, the op's other half sounds like a right tight-arse.
Others clearly disagree but what has happened to old fashioned manners?

I totally agree, its not about wanting a boy to take advantage of and getting them to pay for everything but it does come down to old fashioned manners.
I do agree in a girl treating a boy now and then or buying a few drinks, thats different, but going out for a first meal and and paying splits, thats crazy, he should have paid for that and OP, you could have paid another time

daisybelle2008

Have people read the OPs post properly before jumping on the 'equality' bandwagon and making the OP out to be some kind of golddigga.

To quote OP:

- he rarely puts his hand in his pocket,
- for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,
- he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week.
- i would go splits with him on things if it was even all the time, but for afew weeks there i seemed to be buying everything for us without him even dreaming of suggesting to pay for a thing.
- he earns 4 times as much as me

She asked a couple very fair questions

should i continue to pay for him and me if he doesnt bother to offer to pay?

I dont want him to buy me everything, i like things to be fair, but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.
is this too much to ask?

BTW answer is a resounding NO to both..

You have gone on one meal out :eek: And he makes a big deal about getting a bloody glass of water.

He is scabby and I bet he is a taker in the sack I can't believe people on here are sticking up for his scabby behaviour...

00112984

dellym123 wrote: »

i was kinda nervous in the cinema queue last night wondering wud we be paying for our own tickets but was surprised when he paid in for me too.

So, the choices are:

A) Each pay for your own ticket
Him pay for both

Why didn't you offer upfront and straight-out to pay for his? Literally elbow your way in front of him and have your money on the counter. Fair enough, he earns more than you but €20 for cinema tickets isn't going to break anyone. If you can't afford it at all, you shouldn't go and offer to rent a DVD and stay in for the night. I bet, if you had insisted on buying the tickets, he would have insisted on paying for the popcorn etc.

When my now husband and I were going out, we'd always take it in turns to pay for things. If I was a bit strapped for cash, I'd tell him and offer to pay for the tickets if he got the popcorn or I'd pay for dinner but he'd get the drinks in at the bar if he was having a tight month.

Oh, and get your own water.

daisybelle2008

daisybelle2008 wrote:

She asked a couple very fair questions

should i continue to pay for him and me if he doesnt bother to offer to pay?

I dont want him to buy me everything, i like things to be fair, but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.
is this too much to ask?

How are these fair questions?
Is she incapable of saying to her own bf "hey you know what, it's your turn" or "would you mind getting this?"

I mean, this whole "should I" idea- there's no definitive law on who pays what in a relationship. It's her relationship not ours, not her friends'.

I'll refrain comment on the second question

And he makes a big deal about getting a bloody glass of water.

OP wrote:

like for example if i ask him to get me a glass of water in his house! he seems to think alot of it if he does eventually do it.

She's the one complaining about it in the thread. And did I miss the part where her legs or arms were broken ...?

Don't get me wrong, doesn't all sound like the ideal relationship, but that's for far more reasons than the money side of things.

pallepille

ahhh come on i think she is getting to much of a hard time here, dont get me wrong ive mates goin out wit girls who were blatantly only after money and thats one thing u wud have to draw the line at if she is a golddigger get her out on her ear, but is it not a nice thing to do to pay for things himself sumtimes here or there without expecting it back ????..............................I aint old fashioned by any means but for example ive been goin out with my g/f for a year now and yea some nights out ill pay, some nights we both pay and sometimes she would pay, but if i do pay i dont write myself an fcukin memo to make sure she pays the next time, yea id buy her things here and there coz i think its a nice thing to do, and in fairness i have been a bit skint a couple of thursday nights (get paid friday) and she looked after me, no questions asked.We do live together now and yea if its sumtin like rent we would more or less pay half each, but if she was stuck and I had it no bother id help her out................................................................................... I dont go into a relationship blind or stupid to get taken advantage of but i also dont go into it with my eye permanently on my bank balance either, or go out to the pub with an fcukin calculator in my pocket for that matter.by the way i do feel that the fact he gets paid 4/5 times as much is relevant, i dunno how much salary or watever were talkin here obviously but cmon is he gonna miss the price of a breakfast roll, to be honest he sounds like a complete stingy bast*rd, thats just my opinion.

Chinafoot

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Have people read the OPs post properly before jumping on the 'equality' bandwagon and making the OP out to be some kind of golddigga.

To quote OP:

- he rarely puts his hand in his pocket,

This has been addressed in a number of posts. She shouldn't pay for everything either and she needs to open her mouth and tell him to hit the bar or give her half the cash. Sitting there with her mouth shut or attempting to drop "hints" is not the way to go in a relationship.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

- for our first and only meal, he suggested we go splits on it,

She had absolutely no problem paying her share on the meal until her friends decided it was terrible. I really don't understand this mentality of "well its the first date so the man has to pay!".

Myself and my boyfriend don't go out for dinner that often. The OP is only with her fella 4 months. Some people just aren't into going to restaurants.
Again, she needs to open her mouth and communicate.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

- he earns about 4 times as much as i do a week.

So what? Like I said, if she can't afford the lifestyle they currently had then they should change things. The amount he makes means nothing. There is the implication there of "he makes more so he should pay more" and thats bull. Again, she needs to speak up.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

- i would go splits with him on things if it was even all the time, but for afew weeks there i seemed to be buying everything for us without him even dreaming of suggesting to pay for a thing.

Open. mouth. speak. up. Is she quick to stick her hand in her pocket? A friend of mine was like this. She would moan about having to pay for stuff with her boyfriend but would also be the first to jump in with "No, no I'll get it." Don't offer to pay if you're not being genuine about it. Tell him to get his wallet out. Say it with a smile on your face.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

- he earns 4 times as much as me

You said that already and I still maintain it's not relevant.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

She asked a couple very fair questions

should i continue to pay for him and me if he doesnt bother to offer to pay?

I dont want him to buy me everything, i like things to be fair, but i do expect a certain amount of chivalry and the odd treat.
is this too much to ask?

Whatever valid point she may have had was, for me anyway, completely decimated by the last part. You should never expect anything from anyone, particularly "treats". Her cinema example was also ridiculous and, again to me, showed her to be too focused on money.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I can't believe people on here are sticking up for his scabby behaviour...

Telling her she is expecting too much isn't the same as condoning his behaviour. She's moaning about having to share the cost of a cinema outing. She's moaning about how her male friend bought all the drinks, as if thats how it should be. She's moaning about having to pay her share of a meal. She's moaning that he doesn't give her treats.

If she is unhappy about his behaviour she needs to speak up and tell him. Tell him that she can't afford to pay for everything and wants everything to be split 50/50. I personally don't think she does want things 50/50, after all he makes 4 times as much as her so obviously he should be paying for the majority...:rolleyes:

pallepille

pallepille wrote: »

cmon is he gonna miss the price of a breakfast roll, to be honest he sounds like a complete stingy bast*rd, thats just my opinion.

Ok. A girl complains her breakfast roll isn't bought for her, and he's the stingy one.


Please don't get me wrong, I love giving and receiving treats and gifts, and I don't see the point in going out with a calculator. If OH is earning more, then I'll feel less/not at all guilty if they decide to treat me. Please note carefully the words "if" and "treat" in the preceding sentence.

But expecting them to pay your way and calling them scabby for not doing so?! - this is where it all goes very wrong.

St Bill

He sounds like a stingy git OP. He's probably like this with his mates too (if he has any!)... we all know the kind of friend who never seems to have money/doesn't have their wallet/goes to the toilet when it's their round yet they have no problem accepting drinks etc from you. Being his girlfriend though makes it that little bit harder for you because it IS nice to be treated by your boyfriend/other half. Tell him that you like to be treated every now and again, and (as you said yourself) you don't care about the money, it's the thought that counts.

pallepille

bluewolf wrote: »

Ok. A girl complains her breakfast roll isn't bought for her, and he's the stingy one.


Please don't get me wrong, I love giving and receiving treats and gifts, and I don't see the point in going out with a calculator. If OH is earning more, then I'll feel less/not at all guilty if they decide to treat me. Please note carefully the words "if" and "treat" in the preceding sentence.

But expecting them to pay your way and calling them scabby for not doing so?! - this is where it all goes very wrong.

i take your point and of course yea it shouldnt be about how much who is earnin or watever but did u read the full post. For me it becomes very relevant when he is earning 4 times as much as her in a week and she ends up paying for most things. Thats pretty sickening. Im actually embarrassed for him and I stand by what I said he is a stingy ba*tard, u can bet ur house it will get worse aswell, just look at what its been like from the outset............sounds like the guy still has his communion money.(okay maybe thats a bit much but seriously)

dellym123

bluewolf wrote: »

Ok. A girl complains her breakfast roll isn't bought for her, and he's the stingy one.

I think your missing the point its not about the breakfast roll or the price of it, that was just yet another example of what happens with us, he was beside me in the queue,then wen it was our turn he walked up , till open, his €100 note out and never even acknowledged that i was beside him. its a mere example. I have often bought him meals out...

BaZmO*

Lollipops23 wrote: »

when i first started seeing my OH he would get a round andf when it came to my shout he'd only let me pay for my own!
but he does sound like a tight git...

How on Earth does that work? The two of you go to the bar and pay separately?

Carturo wrote: »

Yeah a lot of people do that but he's your boyfriend ffs. OK so you split things for time to time but where's the fun if you don't actually treat your girl and pay for everything too? And vice versa. You give it a little you get it paid back one way or another, not saying that's the reason to do it but you know what I mean! It's nice to treat and it's nice to be treated.

You're boyfriend's sounds like a tightwad and a lot of other things I can't really say!

Don't get me wrong, but I just said the ticket/popcorn thing because it's just a common sense fair thing to do. There's no hard and fast rules when it comes to these things. There just has to be a certain level of fairness and most importantly it has to be a case of no one feeling like they're being used. Personally I'd pay for most stuff with my OH but she'd always insist on paying for the next meal or the next round and if it's convenient to do so well then grand, but it's never a case of calculators at the ready.

On the point of paying for a meal, and in particular on a first date, I'd always insist on paying and would be a little annoyed if a girl wanted to or insisted on going half especially if I was the one that asked her out. I'd be the same with anybody else if I was the one that offered to bring them out, be it family or friends.

One last point, the breakfast incident is well scabby. If I was in a queue with a friend in the same situation I'd more than likely pay never mind it being my girlfriend. But in your case I'd be more worried about the fact that he just left you standing there although I bet you never said anything to him.

pallepille

pallepille wrote: »

i take your point and of course yea it shouldnt be about how much who is earnin or watever but did u read the full post. For me it becomes very relevant when he is earning 4 times as much as her in a week and she ends up paying for most things.

Sure, it is a problem. I agree (and there I may possibly disagree with the others). But I also very much think it's a problem that she has done all this without telling him a word of complaint. All she has to do... is not pay for everything. Or pay for it and tell him he needs to get her back, and that fair's fair. He's not in charge here, I'm regarding her lack of speaking up as just as much of a problem.

dellym123

dellym123 wrote: »

I think your missing the point its not about the breakfast roll or the price of it, that was just yet another example of what happens with us, he was beside me in the queue,then wen it was our turn he walked up , till open, his €100 note out and never even acknowledged that i was beside him. its a mere example. I have often bought him meals out...

Look , I'll be honest with you here.
I'm finding it boggling that someone would do that. The reason? The rudeness, NOT the money. But you're making out this whole issue is about money.
And why on earth are you buying him a ton of stuff if this is an issue for you?
Just stop doing it and pay only for yourself or something. Tell him, hey, I have a problem with this.

And why in god's name do you care what kind of note he paid with.
You don't even seem to care he was rude, just that he paid with a 100 euro note.

Chinafoot

dellym123 wrote: »

I think your missing the point its not about the breakfast roll or the price of it, that was just yet another example of what happens with us, he was beside me in the queue,then wen it was our turn he walked up , till open, his €100 note out and never even acknowledged that i was beside him. its a mere example. I have often bought him meals out...

Why can't you open your mouth then?

Also, saying he paid with €100 is just silly. Who cares how much money he has. You seem very focused on how much he earns. As someone else said, he could be a millionaire but that doesn't mean he should be expected to buy you anything.

The only way you'll resolve this is by telling him that you both need to go 50/50 on everything. Tell him you simply can't afford it. But get any expectations of treats or him paying the full whack as some show of "chivalry" out of your head. Either its equal or it isn't and it's a bit hypocritical of you to expect him to treat you and then moan about having to pay for popcorn.