funniest quote you've ever heard?

whassupp2 · 01-09-2008 11:37PM

"Opinions are like arseholes............everyone has one":D:D

"Irish weather is Muslim..................Some Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

matchthis · 01-09-2008 11:43PM

Even the network wouldn't go down on her

out of 10 i'd give'er one!

Thats not how your mam used to do that

i'm nearly a thousand percent sure

Yakuza · 02-09-2008 12:01AM

The_Minister wrote: »

Well done.
You have absolutely BUTCHERED one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
Bravo sir.

What about the (quite possibly apocryphal(?)) reply:

: Sir, if I were your wife I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it.

Sheer genius

Edit: Oops, my bad...it was Nancy Astor with whom he had that particular exchange. Someone must have told me about both at the same time and I linked them up. Never fear, Google saved the day. I mean, I read it on The Intarweb, so it has to be true, right?

Conbro · 02-09-2008 12:17AM

1. "Argueing on internet forums is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard"

2. Oscar Wilde: "I can resist everything but temptation"

3. Reporter : What do you see as the main differences between grass and astro turf?
American Footballer : Don't know, never smoked astro turf

4.Marge : Homer, I want you to take that pony back
Homer : First you didnt want me to get it, now you want me to take it back? Will you ever make your mind up

5. Homer : Remember I paid you back that $50 I owed you? Well now its your turn to do me a favour

6."Im so hungry Id eat the balls off a low flying duck"

7. David Brent : "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do."

8.David Brent : "“If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.”

ronnie3585 · 02-09-2008 12:28AM

She's so ugly a sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, even Daz wouldn't shift her.

Nerin · 02-09-2008 12:30AM

manager"use your head,put the rollcage (gianttrolley) infront of the fireexit!" followed by me and the surrounding customers looking at eachother inn amazement.

SoWatchaWant · 02-09-2008 12:44AM

How'd you get that black eye?

-Yer aul wan, man. She poked me in the eye with her cock.

Hanley · 02-09-2008 12:47AM

RobertFoster wrote: »

Can't remember who said it...

Pot: What did you say?
Kettle: I MOCK YOUR ETHNICITY!!

Notable mention!!

Elessar wrote: »

Billy Connolly - "She's got a face that would turn a funeral down a side street"

But quote of the thread so far. But the Churchill ones are complete gold too.

My own personal favourite is the following from where I work part-time (and it's one of my own too....)

*set in a busy Dublin venue that sees more than it's fair share of skobs who've gotten above themselves and don't like waiting in line for a drink at a busy bar*
Skobie girl (attempting to grab my attention): Saari ("sorry" in English)
Me: Don't worry, it's not your fault

I've used it a few times when I'm having a bad night, but no-one ever seems to get it.....

bingobongo · 02-09-2008 12:53AM

the best line iv ever heard was by the legend himself BEST...

''i spent all my money on booze, women and fast cars,...the rest i squandered''

legend
think that was it

bingobongo · 02-09-2008 12:55AM

an ould lad from my town at d hurlin match shouted out at a player who was playin fairly bad... ''its not your fault son.....its the f*cks who picked ya''

tony 2 tone · 02-09-2008 01:18AM

Opinions are like assholes, so stick a cork in it. Source: some ones sig.

Agonist · 02-09-2008 01:43AM

Maybe not the best quote but possibly the best insult I've heard. From Catullus, a classical poet from Roman times.

"Your smile is like the cnut of an old mule pissing on the street on a hot day."

I can't vouch that that's exactly right but I'm pretty sure it's close enough.

edit
I just googled it and here's the correct version:

" His mouth has teeth in it

a half a yard long, the gums are all rotten,

sagging down loose as an old covered wagon,

and when he smiles the lips spread open wide

like a mule’s **** dripping on a hot summer day."

barnacle · 02-09-2008 01:59AM

She has a face like a dropped pie
Stevie Wonder wouldnt take her out
She has a face like an order from Dominoe
She has a face like a burnt child

One Cold Hand · 02-09-2008 02:12AM

She has a face like a bucket of burnt Lego.

gandhi123 · 02-09-2008 02:31AM

Heres just a few insults i'd thrown at people over the years (mostly bolwers):

she has a gap like a wind tunnel

You are as arkward as a bag of hammers

Ridin' her would be like throwing sausage down O Connell Street

Shes got a face that'd make an onion cry

You got a face like a well-chewed wurthers original

She has a face like a bulldog licking Piss of a nettle

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 02-09-2008 02:36AM

Rodge and Podge ftw (Shamelessly copied and pasted

)

You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he ****es tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a mickey factory

SoWatchaWant · 02-09-2008 02:40AM

PHILOSOPHER: You don't want a philosopher's strike on your hands!

DEEP THOUGHT: Who will that inconvenience?

LovelyHurling · 02-09-2008 02:41AM

A dick like a babies arm

gandhi123 · 02-09-2008 02:42AM

oh almost forgot (robbed from roy chubby brown)

To WOMEN:
Will you's stay out of the sea, your starting to make the fish smell!!:pac::pac:

trowelled · 02-09-2008 02:46AM

'It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage' - Indiana Jones in Raiders of the lost Ark

Princess Leia: I love you
Han Solo: I know
Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back

Groucho Marx: 'I don't care to belong to a club that excepts people like me as a member'
'A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke'

Dark Artist · 02-09-2008 03:55AM

Kyle: "Be careful, Mole!"
Mole: "Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes-hanger while I was still in the womb?"

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 09:06AM

beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 09:12AM

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

She's been up and down more times than a who,re's drawers

She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

He's tighter than a photo finish.

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

He's as camp as a row of tents

I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

You could park a bike on that bum

He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

Surrender · 02-09-2008 09:17AM

She has a face that would stop flies mid-air.

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 09:18AM

she's as mad as a bag of spiders

(just think what a bag of spiders would be like.... NOW LAUGH) :mad:

CreepingDeath · 02-09-2008 09:23AM

She'd be an angel if she didn't sin so much.

DundalkDuffman · 02-09-2008 09:28AM

shoelaceface wrote: »

He's as camp as a row of tents

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 09:30AM

DundalkDuffman wrote: »

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

i fricken like it

CreepingDeath · 02-09-2008 09:42AM

Al Murray : To guys who have been going out with the same woman for many years but no sign of an engagement.

"Pass the ball mate, don't keep dribbling forever".

dazberry · 02-09-2008 09:54AM

"He'd fall to the ground as quick as any man with a kick to the b*ll*cks"

Waterford Dole Office circa 1992 about a huge guy (who was also a bouncer at a particular night club) that used to skip the queue from an 'ol lad that was barely 5 foot 4.

D.

funniest quote you've ever heard?

Comments