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Child Item

funniest quote you've ever heard?

Ginja Ninja

i'll get the ball rolling with one from PI

"never sh!t on your own doorstep i always say"

and one of mine "you've a face like a smacked arse"

let the copyright infringement commence

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whassupp2

"Opinions are like arseholes............everyone has one":D:D

"Irish weather is Muslim..................Some Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

matchthis

Even the network wouldn't go down on her

out of 10 i'd give'er one!

Thats not how your mam used to do that

i'm nearly a thousand percent sure

Yakuza

The_Minister wrote: »

Well done.
You have absolutely BUTCHERED one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
Bravo sir.

What about the (quite possibly apocryphal(?)) reply:

: Sir, if I were your wife I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it.

Sheer genius

Edit: Oops, my bad...it was Nancy Astor with whom he had that particular exchange. Someone must have told me about both at the same time and I linked them up. Never fear, Google saved the day. I mean, I read it on The Intarweb, so it has to be true, right?

Conbro

1. "Argueing on internet forums is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard"

2. Oscar Wilde: "I can resist everything but temptation"

3. Reporter : What do you see as the main differences between grass and astro turf?
American Footballer : Don't know, never smoked astro turf

4.Marge : Homer, I want you to take that pony back
Homer : First you didnt want me to get it, now you want me to take it back? Will you ever make your mind up

5. Homer : Remember I paid you back that $50 I owed you? Well now its your turn to do me a favour

6."Im so hungry Id eat the balls off a low flying duck"

7. David Brent : "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do."

8.David Brent : "“If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.”

ronnie3585

She's so ugly a sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, even Daz wouldn't shift her.

Nerin

manager"use your head,put the rollcage (gianttrolley) infront of the fireexit!" followed by me and the surrounding customers looking at eachother inn amazement.

SoWatchaWant

How'd you get that black eye?

-Yer aul wan, man. She poked me in the eye with her cock.

Hanley

RobertFoster wrote: »

Can't remember who said it...

Pot: What did you say?
Kettle: I MOCK YOUR ETHNICITY!!

Notable mention!!

Elessar wrote: »

Billy Connolly - "She's got a face that would turn a funeral down a side street"

But quote of the thread so far. But the Churchill ones are complete gold too.

My own personal favourite is the following from where I work part-time (and it's one of my own too....)

*set in a busy Dublin venue that sees more than it's fair share of skobs who've gotten above themselves and don't like waiting in line for a drink at a busy bar*
Skobie girl (attempting to grab my attention): Saari ("sorry" in English)
Me: Don't worry, it's not your fault

I've used it a few times when I'm having a bad night, but no-one ever seems to get it.....

bingobongo

the best line iv ever heard was by the legend himself BEST...

''i spent all my money on booze, women and fast cars,...the rest i squandered''

legend
think that was it

bingobongo

an ould lad from my town at d hurlin match shouted out at a player who was playin fairly bad... ''its not your fault son.....its the f*cks who picked ya''

tony 2 tone

Opinions are like assholes, so stick a cork in it. Source: some ones sig.

Agonist

Maybe not the best quote but possibly the best insult I've heard. From Catullus, a classical poet from Roman times.

"Your smile is like the cnut of an old mule pissing on the street on a hot day."

I can't vouch that that's exactly right but I'm pretty sure it's close enough.

edit
I just googled it and here's the correct version:

" His mouth has teeth in it

a half a yard long, the gums are all rotten,

sagging down loose as an old covered wagon,

and when he smiles the lips spread open wide

like a mule’s **** dripping on a hot summer day."

barnacle

She has a face like a dropped pie
Stevie Wonder wouldnt take her out
She has a face like an order from Dominoe
She has a face like a burnt child

One Cold Hand

She has a face like a bucket of burnt Lego.

gandhi123

Heres just a few insults i'd thrown at people over the years (mostly bolwers):

she has a gap like a wind tunnel

You are as arkward as a bag of hammers

Ridin' her would be like throwing sausage down O Connell Street

Shes got a face that'd make an onion cry

You got a face like a well-chewed wurthers original

She has a face like a bulldog licking Piss of a nettle

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Rodge and Podge ftw (Shamelessly copied and pasted

)

You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he ****es tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a mickey factory

SoWatchaWant

PHILOSOPHER: You don't want a philosopher's strike on your hands!

DEEP THOUGHT: Who will that inconvenience?

LovelyHurling

A dick like a babies arm

gandhi123

oh almost forgot (robbed from roy chubby brown)

To WOMEN:
Will you's stay out of the sea, your starting to make the fish smell!!:pac::pac:

trowelled

'It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage' - Indiana Jones in Raiders of the lost Ark

Princess Leia: I love you
Han Solo: I know
Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back

Groucho Marx: 'I don't care to belong to a club that excepts people like me as a member'
'A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke'

Dark Artist

Kyle: "Be careful, Mole!"
Mole: "Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes-hanger while I was still in the womb?"

shoelaceface

beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

shoelaceface

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

She's been up and down more times than a who,re's drawers

She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

He's tighter than a photo finish.

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

He's as camp as a row of tents

I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

You could park a bike on that bum

He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

Surrender

She has a face that would stop flies mid-air.

shoelaceface

she's as mad as a bag of spiders

(just think what a bag of spiders would be like.... NOW LAUGH) :mad:

CreepingDeath

She'd be an angel if she didn't sin so much.

DundalkDuffman

shoelaceface wrote: »

He's as camp as a row of tents

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

shoelaceface

DundalkDuffman wrote: »

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

i fricken like it

CreepingDeath

Al Murray : To guys who have been going out with the same woman for many years but no sign of an engagement.

"Pass the ball mate, don't keep dribbling forever".

dazberry

"He'd fall to the ground as quick as any man with a kick to the b*ll*cks"

Waterford Dole Office circa 1992 about a huge guy (who was also a bouncer at a particular night club) that used to skip the queue from an 'ol lad that was barely 5 foot 4.

D.