Women love 6% body fat... right?

LegacyUser · 06-08-2008 09:21PM #1

Hey, I'll try keep this short.

Thanks to some recent soul searching and what can only be described as an "intervention" by a two long time friends, I have offically become an anti-social hermit who lives in the gym, more concerned with the size of my delts than with actually talking to people... You've probably seen my type before if you've been in a gym, I'm there couple of hours every day, dont really talk to anyone for fear they might interfere with my circuit. I probably seem like a complete prick to people who pass a glance at me, but the irony of the whole thing is, that I only really train so hard because I have convinced myself over the past 4 years that being big and muscular is all that women want and find attractive....

I don't really go out to clubs or bars anymore because I dont want to drink, god forbid I take in too many calories! But it has gotten to the point where I actually prefere going to the gym in the evening than actually hanging out with friends. Friends whom I'm seeing less and less of. I'm in college in Dublin, and when I'm not in lectures or the library I'm in the gym... all the time, its like I do nothing else.... My best mates are currently the gym instructors... And it's at the stage now where I am so obsessed with having a good body so women may find me attractive, that I dont actually have the time to meet anyone new, let alone go out with anyone. I've been single for nearly 2 years now, and the reason she broke up with me was because I rarely saw her or made time for her, I was more interested in hitting the gym... Pathetic really...

Point is, I've gotten this far, and realised I've seriously f**ked up alot of things. But I feel like I've gone too far, I feel socially inept at the moment. I'm trying to make the effort to go out lately but I've become, what can only be described as shy. I hide in the corner, basically terrified that someone might see some flab on my arm or something... its stupid I know, but It's gotten ridiculous. I think I've actually regressed personality wise. Old school friends I've met have told me how sober and quiet I've become.

Am I seriously messed up? Cause thats how it feels..

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser · 06-08-2008 09:36PM

You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

Wurly · 06-08-2008 09:50PM

Hi OP, anything is classified as a problem when it starts to take over your life. It appears that your gym attendance is doing just that.

If you think that women only find muscles etc attractive then I for one can tell you that that is not the case.

Personally speaking, I do not like muscles at all. That is just my personal preference.

I do think that you need to admit that this is a problem and be willing to get help for it. It's not healthy OP.

Would you be willing to get help?

Wibbs · 06-08-2008 09:52PM

Tri wrote: »

Hi OP, anything is classified as a problem when it starts to take over your life. It appears that your gym attendance is doing just that.

Exactly. Having a six pack is no good to a woman if she can't get her hands on it or you because you're sweating it out in the gym.

Rosita · 06-08-2008 09:57PM

Muscles are fine but I think most women would be wary of the kind of personality that is probably required to spend hours, days, weeks and months in the gym to achieve them.

Madame Razz · 06-08-2008 10:02PM

Was there any particular reason why you started in the gym OP?

Was it due to a motivating factor or did you just fall into it??

seahorse · 06-08-2008 10:31PM

Rosita wrote: »

Muscles are fine but I think most women would be wary of the kind of personality that is probably required to spend hours, days, weeks and months in the gym to achieve them.

I couldn’t agree with this more.

Look OP, most women like a normal looking healthy man and get turned on by a little bit of muscle, but I mean a little bit! - the sort of amount that accentuates the masculinity that drew us to him in the first place.

Maybe it's kind of like the equivalent of a woman wearing lipstick, which is cute and sexy in the right proportions. Like I said, it's just something to accentuate what a person's already got. Ask yourself this: would you be attracted to a woman who wore a whole tube of lipstick???!! :eek:

Macha · 06-08-2008 10:39PM

I think the look most women go for is "healthy". I'm a bit of a gym nerd myself & like a bit of muscle but I think I'm more attracted to the personality of a person who looks after themselves and is into sport & health. What is NOT attractive is a guy who obsesses over alcohol intake, calories etc. It's the same for guys and girls: confidence is attractive, neurosis is not.

It sounds like you've lost sight of why you started going to the gym & need to refocus. Sure, I think everyone who goes to the gym regularly has their physique & attractiveness to the opposite sex in mind but a healthy, fit body is also important for yourself.

It sounds like you're a perfectionist & may need to cut yourself a bit of slack. remember the 90/10 rule. You can miss 1 gym routine out of 10 and eat healthy 90% of the time. The extra 10% does not give considerably better results and you will mentally be better for giving yourself a break.

thebaldsoprano · 06-08-2008 11:09PM

Hi OP

Was going to ask how you managed to get / why you want 6% body fat when I first saw the title but that seems pretty obvious now...

Oh, and I'm not a woman btw, nor do I find men attractive

I've been obsessively into training myself at times, but it's always been for some project - marathon/climbing or the like.

This might sound a little bit extreme, but it might be a good idea to go and talk to a doc or counsellor or somebody to try and find out why training is running your life that much...

Miss Fluff · 06-08-2008 11:25PM

I'd find that a huge turn off tbh. Great when a guy looks after himself and his body is in shape but being that obssessive to me comes accross as extremely vain and most men I have met in that mindset seem a bit "thick" tbh.

I was seeing a great guy, sex was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. until he became more and more obsessed with beefing up, to the extent he started taking protein shakes etc and going from this amazing, energetic lover to someone who started suffering from erectile disfunction. Needless to say he was dumped, not just because there was such a transformation sexually but because he became so obsessed with the gym and went from being a fun, interesting person to being quite possibly one of the most boring people on earth.

I'm not surprised you haven't had any action. If you are addicted to something and your best mates are now the gym instructors then you seriously need to reevaluate your life, I'm sure it's all you can talk about if you have no other interests. Cutting down a little bit won't suddenly transform you into a fat munter, it's great to keep fit, and continue to go but chilling out on that front, letting your hair down and having a few drinks with your mates (what a student should be doing!) can only be a positive change imo.

thebaldsoprano · 06-08-2008 11:42PM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

erectile disfunction

:eek:

Well, the next time OH gives out to me for spending a little bit too much time on a mad project, I'll at least be able to say that something still points in the right direction...

Always found training to improve things in this area, didn't know this could happen at all!

Carsinian Thau · 06-08-2008 11:44PM

Narcisssus wrote: »

You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

Very helpful!

OP, please disregard the above post.

It sounds as though you made a very simple kistake a while back and have unfortuantely allowed it to grow into an addiction while permitting it to ahve an effect on your personality/self-esteem.

I don't have a lot of experience in the dating world but I do know that women value personality far above muscles.
It may be hard but the best thing to do would to start to put in a real and genuine effort to go out with your friends as much as you can. You still have them and I'm sure they'd love to get you back. Take things slow and ease yourself back into that way of life.
try and relax about the calorie thing. The odd pint or two isn't going to dent any sort of diet significantly.

As other posters have suggested, a talk with a counsellor or a doctor may prove very useful.

Also, perhaps think about not working out at the gym anymore. A nice run once a day would get you plenty of exercise while removing you from that potentially damaging environment.

Macha · 06-08-2008 11:49PM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I was seeing a great guy, sex was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. until he became more and more obsessed with beefing up, to the extent he started taking protein shakes etcv

Just to make the point that there's absolutely nothing wrong with protein shakes. They are a cheap, convenient way of upping your protein intake. Once I heard my aunt whispering to my mum "But Sarah, aren't those protein shakes that taconnol is taking illegal??" Hi-larious.

Wurly · 07-08-2008 12:04AM

Narcisssus wrote: »

You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

Oh for god's sake. Not everything is black and white. Honestly, I sometimes find the ignorance on this forum utterly astounding.

Did it ever occur to you that the OP might be using exercise to avoid or control some other area of his life? That it may not have anything to do with vanity?

Come on!

thebaldsoprano · 07-08-2008 12:15AM

Narcisssus wrote: »

You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but are you Drury1512 from a different thread?

Wibbs · 07-08-2008 12:29AM

Infraction and post deleted for Ian curtis for off topic posting. Final warning. Tri calling others ignorant isn't on and thebaldsoprano ease up on the back seat modding if you will.

thebaldsoprano · 07-08-2008 12:34AM

Wibbs wrote: »

Infraction and post deleted for Ian curtis for off topic posting. Final warning. Tri calling others ignorant isn't on and thebaldsoprano ease up on the back seat modding if you will.

Fair enough. Somewhat new to boards, is protocol for pointing out such a possibility?

Wurly · 07-08-2008 12:38AM

thebaldsoprano wrote: »

Fair enough. Somewhat new to boards, is protocol for pointing out such a possibility?

Its in the charter at the top of the forum...;)

Wibbs, my bad. And my apologies.

thebaldsoprano · 07-08-2008 12:40AM

Tri wrote: »

Its in the charter at the top of the forum...;)

Ah, grand, must've missed that bit. Wibbs, apologies.

Magpie! · 07-08-2008 12:40AM

OP it sounds like you may have developed an eating disorder. Exercise Bulimia or something like that.

It's not uncommon to become 'addicted' to the high exercise gives but when it is taking over your life, when you can't enjoy a night out without worrying about calories or someone seeing your 'flab' then it is a problem.

Please contact www.Bodywys.ie

LegacyUser · 07-08-2008 12:45AM

Hey guys, thanks for the replies. Don't quite appreciate the "vain idiot" comments btw, entering my final year of uni this year with a 2.1 average and got 510 in my leaving. And I'm not vain in the slightest,thats the bloody problem, I hate my body.

I guess my problem at the moment is that I've been living a lifestyle for so long now and its easy, I find it relaxing, heading to the gym is like my comfort zone. Some people play computer games, some go drinking every night of the week, some people go to gigs... I go to the gym.

I'll admit, I'm quite a shy person, and I dont think I look like a very "approachable" person.. add those two things together and well you can see why I have problems. I'm not aggressive at all, I'm one of the most calm chilled out people you can meet, I listen to jazz on my ipod at the gym for feck sake!

Its just I dont feel like I fit in anywhere else, I've tried things in the past, but I keep coming back to the usual.

The other thing is that I'm a hypocryt to myself. The kind of women that are attracted to me are not the women I want a relationship with, the women I do like hate me.. I dont know... wish I was gay, that would sort everything out!

Overheal · 07-08-2008 12:50AM

(PM the mod dont ask in-thread)

OP Im surprised nobody has said it already - theyve called you shallow and all this but really - whats the problem here? You appear to have very low self-esteem, and low or non-existant self-confidence. Thats why you're scared, thats why you know your body fat to a percentage, and thats why you'd die if someone found a love-handle on you.

Would you disagree with that statement?

From what I understand a lot of people in your position HAte their body. Hate it. which really equates to hating yourself or something about yourself. And when you hate yourself how can you possibly be comfortable or confident or happy?

LegacyUser · 07-08-2008 12:54AM

Overheal, thats not the first time someone has said that to me. And it is true, I cant remember the last time I looked in the mirror and felt good... and when anyone compliments me I always take it as a patronising insult, which is true because they dont understand what I see when i look at myself.

Wurly · 07-08-2008 12:57AM

gymnerd wrote: »

Don't quite appreciate the "vain idiot" comments btw

Nope, didn't think you would OP.

Would you consider getting help for your confidence issues?

thebaldsoprano · 07-08-2008 01:14AM

gymnerd wrote: »

I guess my problem at the moment is that I've been living a lifestyle for so long now and its easy, I find it relaxing, heading to the gym is like my comfort zone. Some people play computer games, some go drinking every night of the week, some people go to gigs... I go to the gym.

This is the only bit I can relate to, but I spent about a year just going running/climbing and playing guitar in my room after a breakup that was unpleasant... Obviously there wasn't much room for socialising in this.

Doubt you're the only person to have gone through something like this by a long shot. Oh, and my body fat wasn't anywhere near 6%

Dunno what else to say really, maybe try easing yourself out of your comfort zone gradually, or it might be worth popping in to see a doc.

Best of luck anyways.

pwd · 07-08-2008 01:48AM

exercising seriously doesn't make someone boring or shy or unattractive ffs.

The problem is the simplistic view that size of muscles = level of sexual success.

using the gym is not the problem - it's just not the solution.

develop your social life and your social skills will develop with it. Easy way to do this in your position would seem to be to join some sports teams - shouldn't be too hard to do well considering your fitness level is probably very high.

meglome · 07-08-2008 02:41AM

As I'm a bit of a sedimentary nerd I go to the gym sometimes so I don't turn in to a lard arse. But I have to be honest I see people down there who exercise like crazy people and I suppose that what I'm thinking they are. You need to ease off, get out more, talk to people (even in the gym). Exercising is all well and good but it's a life you need so go out and get one.

Irishcrx · 07-08-2008 09:35AM

Narcisssus wrote: »

You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

Not helpfull at all, if you have nothing positive or helpfull to add, keep it to yourself or take it to after hours.

OP , It's very easy to get caught up in the gym and become a little self obsessed I've seen it with my own friends and even with myself on occasion and I've seen the types in my own gym. I love lifting weights , I'm not obsessed with it and I don't spend my whole life there go out the weekend and I have fun, I talk to people I keep a balance and I think it's just the balance that you have lost.

Say your doing 20 hours in the gym a week , try cut it down to ten and use the other ten going out and meeting people. It doesn't matter how attractive you are if you come accross as vein and dead personality wise your loosing half the battle , I'm sure your a nice bloke who just became a little insecure along the line and i'm sure after all that gym time you don't have a reason to be. Only you can change it , puit yourself out there and try and change thing's for yourself it doesnt matter how big or strong or how muscle you have if your not happy.

trio · 07-08-2008 09:43AM

Sounds immediately like body dysmorphia to me, but I'm not a doctor so you should go to your GP and ask his opinion.

From Wikipedia:

"The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation.

It is estimated that between 1%-2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD.

The exact cause or causes of BDD is unknown, but most clinicians believe it to be a complex combination of biological, psychological and environmental factors.

A person with the disorder may be treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. Research has shown cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) to be effective in treating BDD. BDD is a chronic illness and symptoms are likely to persist, or worsen, if left untreated."

There is also a disorder called "Exercise Addiction" which may be more applicable, though you'll need to investigate what's the difference between the two to try to see which one might be more relevant. That one also seems to have some basis in seratonin levels - controlling that substance is what SSRIs do.

http://www.nodependence.com/addictions/exercising-addiction/exercise-addiction.html

But whatever is wrong with you, you know there's a problem. It's taking over your social life and destroying your confidence. I think you should definately talk to your GP, pronto. You have to take control of this whilst you're still young, so that you can spend the rest of your twenties footloose and fancy-free, not a ball of nerves.

dr.bollocko · 07-08-2008 09:49AM

Exercising is a good and useful way of spending your time and nothing to be worried about even if you are a gym nerd. Your attitude to it may not be the healthiest, but my 2c is that the gym is not even the issue here. The issue is that you suffer from social embarassment and find it hard to meet people.
The looks attract the women, this is true, but it is the mind that keeps them hooked and so if you don't work on your social skills, it will be difficult to make a meaningful connection with anyone. Like trying to catch a fish with a pretty rod with no line.

So don't blame the gym, but use it as it was meant, as an outlet for your health and wellbeing, and perhaps an area to tone enough muscles to give you a little bit more confidence.

Rosita · 07-08-2008 10:08AM

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Exercising is a good and useful way of spending your time and nothing to be worried about even if you are a gym nerd. Your attitude to it may not be the healthiest, but my 2c is that the gym is not even the issue here. The issue is that you suffer from social embarassment and find it hard to meet people.
The looks attract the women, this is true, but it is the mind that keeps them hooked and so if you don't work on your social skills, it will be difficult to make a meaningful connection with anyone. Like trying to catch a fish with a pretty rod with no line.

So don't blame the gym, but use it as it was meant, as an outlet for your health and wellbeing, and perhaps an area to tone enough muscles to give you a little bit more confidence.

Only problem with this is that if we are talking about some kind of exercise addiction or psychological condition in this situation, your advice is a bit like telling an alcoholic just to drink socially.

Women love 6% body fat... right?

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