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Women love 6% body fat... right?

  • 06-08-2008 8:21pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey, I'll try keep this short.

    Thanks to some recent soul searching and what can only be described as an "intervention" by a two long time friends, I have offically become an anti-social hermit who lives in the gym, more concerned with the size of my delts than with actually talking to people... You've probably seen my type before if you've been in a gym, I'm there couple of hours every day, dont really talk to anyone for fear they might interfere with my circuit. I probably seem like a complete prick to people who pass a glance at me, but the irony of the whole thing is, that I only really train so hard because I have convinced myself over the past 4 years that being big and muscular is all that women want and find attractive....

    I don't really go out to clubs or bars anymore because I dont want to drink, god forbid I take in too many calories! But it has gotten to the point where I actually prefere going to the gym in the evening than actually hanging out with friends. Friends whom I'm seeing less and less of. I'm in college in Dublin, and when I'm not in lectures or the library I'm in the gym... all the time, its like I do nothing else.... My best mates are currently the gym instructors... And it's at the stage now where I am so obsessed with having a good body so women may find me attractive, that I dont actually have the time to meet anyone new, let alone go out with anyone. I've been single for nearly 2 years now, and the reason she broke up with me was because I rarely saw her or made time for her, I was more interested in hitting the gym... Pathetic really...

    Point is, I've gotten this far, and realised I've seriously f**ked up alot of things. But I feel like I've gone too far, I feel socially inept at the moment. I'm trying to make the effort to go out lately but I've become, what can only be described as shy. I hide in the corner, basically terrified that someone might see some flab on my arm or something... its stupid I know, but It's gotten ridiculous. I think I've actually regressed personality wise. Old school friends I've met have told me how sober and quiet I've become.

    Am I seriously messed up? Cause thats how it feels..

    Thanks for reading


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    Hi OP, anything is classified as a problem when it starts to take over your life. It appears that your gym attendance is doing just that.

    If you think that women only find muscles etc attractive then I for one can tell you that that is not the case.

    Personally speaking, I do not like muscles at all. That is just my personal preference.

    I do think that you need to admit that this is a problem and be willing to get help for it. It's not healthy OP.

    Would you be willing to get help?


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Tri wrote: »
    Hi OP, anything is classified as a problem when it starts to take over your life. It appears that your gym attendance is doing just that.
    Exactly. Having a six pack is no good to a woman if she can't get her hands on it or you because you're sweating it out in the gym.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,147 ✭✭✭Rosita


    Muscles are fine but I think most women would be wary of the kind of personality that is probably required to spend hours, days, weeks and months in the gym to achieve them.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,252 ✭✭✭✭Madame Razz


    Was there any particular reason why you started in the gym OP?

    Was it due to a motivating factor or did you just fall into it??


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭seahorse


    Rosita wrote: »
    Muscles are fine but I think most women would be wary of the kind of personality that is probably required to spend hours, days, weeks and months in the gym to achieve them.

    I couldn’t agree with this more.

    Look OP, most women like a normal looking healthy man and get turned on by a little bit of muscle, but I mean a little bit! - the sort of amount that accentuates the masculinity that drew us to him in the first place.

    Maybe it's kind of like the equivalent of a woman wearing lipstick, which is cute and sexy in the right proportions. Like I said, it's just something to accentuate what a person's already got. Ask yourself this: would you be attracted to a woman who wore a whole tube of lipstick???!! :eek:


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 6,376 Mod ✭✭✭✭Macha


    I think the look most women go for is "healthy". I'm a bit of a gym nerd myself & like a bit of muscle but I think I'm more attracted to the personality of a person who looks after themselves and is into sport & health. What is NOT attractive is a guy who obsesses over alcohol intake, calories etc. It's the same for guys and girls: confidence is attractive, neurosis is not.

    It sounds like you've lost sight of why you started going to the gym & need to refocus. Sure, I think everyone who goes to the gym regularly has their physique & attractiveness to the opposite sex in mind but a healthy, fit body is also important for yourself.

    It sounds like you're a perfectionist & may need to cut yourself a bit of slack. remember the 90/10 rule. You can miss 1 gym routine out of 10 and eat healthy 90% of the time. The extra 10% does not give considerably better results and you will mentally be better for giving yourself a break.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    Hi OP

    Was going to ask how you managed to get / why you want 6% body fat when I first saw the title but that seems pretty obvious now...

    Oh, and I'm not a woman btw, nor do I find men attractive :D

    I've been obsessively into training myself at times, but it's always been for some project - marathon/climbing or the like.

    This might sound a little bit extreme, but it might be a good idea to go and talk to a doc or counsellor or somebody to try and find out why training is running your life that much...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    I'd find that a huge turn off tbh. Great when a guy looks after himself and his body is in shape but being that obssessive to me comes accross as extremely vain and most men I have met in that mindset seem a bit "thick" tbh.

    I was seeing a great guy, sex was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. until he became more and more obsessed with beefing up, to the extent he started taking protein shakes etc and going from this amazing, energetic lover to someone who started suffering from erectile disfunction. Needless to say he was dumped, not just because there was such a transformation sexually but because he became so obsessed with the gym and went from being a fun, interesting person to being quite possibly one of the most boring people on earth.

    I'm not surprised you haven't had any action. If you are addicted to something and your best mates are now the gym instructors then you seriously need to reevaluate your life, I'm sure it's all you can talk about if you have no other interests. Cutting down a little bit won't suddenly transform you into a fat munter, it's great to keep fit, and continue to go but chilling out on that front, letting your hair down and having a few drinks with your mates (what a student should be doing!) can only be a positive change imo.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    erectile disfunction

    :eek:

    Well, the next time OH gives out to me for spending a little bit too much time on a mad project, I'll at least be able to say that something still points in the right direction...

    Always found training to improve things in this area, didn't know this could happen at all!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,054 ✭✭✭Carsinian Thau


    Narcisssus wrote: »
    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

    Very helpful!

    OP, please disregard the above post.

    It sounds as though you made a very simple kistake a while back and have unfortuantely allowed it to grow into an addiction while permitting it to ahve an effect on your personality/self-esteem.

    I don't have a lot of experience in the dating world but I do know that women value personality far above muscles.
    It may be hard but the best thing to do would to start to put in a real and genuine effort to go out with your friends as much as you can. You still have them and I'm sure they'd love to get you back. Take things slow and ease yourself back into that way of life.
    try and relax about the calorie thing. The odd pint or two isn't going to dent any sort of diet significantly.

    As other posters have suggested, a talk with a counsellor or a doctor may prove very useful.

    Also, perhaps think about not working out at the gym anymore. A nice run once a day would get you plenty of exercise while removing you from that potentially damaging environment.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 6,376 Mod ✭✭✭✭Macha


    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    I was seeing a great guy, sex was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. until he became more and more obsessed with beefing up, to the extent he started taking protein shakes etcv

    Just to make the point that there's absolutely nothing wrong with protein shakes. They are a cheap, convenient way of upping your protein intake. Once I heard my aunt whispering to my mum "But Sarah, aren't those protein shakes that taconnol is taking illegal??" Hi-larious.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    Narcisssus wrote: »
    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

    Oh for god's sake. Not everything is black and white. Honestly, I sometimes find the ignorance on this forum utterly astounding.

    Did it ever occur to you that the OP might be using exercise to avoid or control some other area of his life? That it may not have anything to do with vanity?

    Come on!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    Narcisssus wrote: »
    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

    Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but are you Drury1512 from a different thread?


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Infraction and post deleted for Ian curtis for off topic posting. Final warning. Tri calling others ignorant isn't on and thebaldsoprano ease up on the back seat modding if you will.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Infraction and post deleted for Ian curtis for off topic posting. Final warning. Tri calling others ignorant isn't on and thebaldsoprano ease up on the back seat modding if you will.

    Fair enough. Somewhat new to boards, is protocol for pointing out such a possibility?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    Fair enough. Somewhat new to boards, is protocol for pointing out such a possibility?
    Its in the charter at the top of the forum...;)

    Wibbs, my bad. And my apologies.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    Tri wrote: »
    Its in the charter at the top of the forum...;)

    Ah, grand, must've missed that bit. Wibbs, apologies.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 316 ✭✭Magpie!


    OP it sounds like you may have developed an eating disorder. Exercise Bulimia or something like that.

    It's not uncommon to become 'addicted' to the high exercise gives but when it is taking over your life, when you can't enjoy a night out without worrying about calories or someone seeing your 'flab' then it is a problem.

    Please contact www.Bodywys.ie


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey guys, thanks for the replies. Don't quite appreciate the "vain idiot" comments btw, entering my final year of uni this year with a 2.1 average and got 510 in my leaving. And I'm not vain in the slightest,thats the bloody problem, I hate my body.

    I guess my problem at the moment is that I've been living a lifestyle for so long now and its easy, I find it relaxing, heading to the gym is like my comfort zone. Some people play computer games, some go drinking every night of the week, some people go to gigs... I go to the gym.

    I'll admit, I'm quite a shy person, and I dont think I look like a very "approachable" person.. add those two things together and well you can see why I have problems. I'm not aggressive at all, I'm one of the most calm chilled out people you can meet, I listen to jazz on my ipod at the gym for feck sake!

    Its just I dont feel like I fit in anywhere else, I've tried things in the past, but I keep coming back to the usual.

    The other thing is that I'm a hypocryt to myself. The kind of women that are attracted to me are not the women I want a relationship with, the women I do like hate me.. I dont know... wish I was gay, that would sort everything out!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    (PM the mod dont ask in-thread)

    OP Im surprised nobody has said it already - theyve called you shallow and all this but really - whats the problem here? You appear to have very low self-esteem, and low or non-existant self-confidence. Thats why you're scared, thats why you know your body fat to a percentage, and thats why you'd die if someone found a love-handle on you.

    Would you disagree with that statement?

    From what I understand a lot of people in your position HAte their body. Hate it. which really equates to hating yourself or something about yourself. And when you hate yourself how can you possibly be comfortable or confident or happy?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Overheal, thats not the first time someone has said that to me. And it is true, I cant remember the last time I looked in the mirror and felt good... and when anyone compliments me I always take it as a patronising insult, which is true because they dont understand what I see when i look at myself.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    gymnerd wrote: »
    Don't quite appreciate the "vain idiot" comments btw
    Nope, didn't think you would OP.

    Would you consider getting help for your confidence issues?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭thebaldsoprano


    gymnerd wrote: »
    I guess my problem at the moment is that I've been living a lifestyle for so long now and its easy, I find it relaxing, heading to the gym is like my comfort zone. Some people play computer games, some go drinking every night of the week, some people go to gigs... I go to the gym.

    This is the only bit I can relate to, but I spent about a year just going running/climbing and playing guitar in my room after a breakup that was unpleasant... Obviously there wasn't much room for socialising in this.

    Doubt you're the only person to have gone through something like this by a long shot. Oh, and my body fat wasn't anywhere near 6% :)

    Dunno what else to say really, maybe try easing yourself out of your comfort zone gradually, or it might be worth popping in to see a doc.

    Best of luck anyways.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,284 ✭✭✭pwd


    exercising seriously doesn't make someone boring or shy or unattractive ffs.

    The problem is the simplistic view that size of muscles = level of sexual success.

    using the gym is not the problem - it's just not the solution.

    develop your social life and your social skills will develop with it. Easy way to do this in your position would seem to be to join some sports teams - shouldn't be too hard to do well considering your fitness level is probably very high.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,980 ✭✭✭meglome


    As I'm a bit of a sedimentary nerd I go to the gym sometimes so I don't turn in to a lard arse. But I have to be honest I see people down there who exercise like crazy people and I suppose that what I'm thinking they are. You need to ease off, get out more, talk to people (even in the gym). Exercising is all well and good but it's a life you need so go out and get one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,861 ✭✭✭Irishcrx


    Narcisssus wrote: »
    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

    Not helpfull at all, if you have nothing positive or helpfull to add, keep it to yourself or take it to after hours.

    OP , It's very easy to get caught up in the gym and become a little self obsessed I've seen it with my own friends and even with myself on occasion and I've seen the types in my own gym. I love lifting weights , I'm not obsessed with it and I don't spend my whole life there go out the weekend and I have fun, I talk to people I keep a balance and I think it's just the balance that you have lost.

    Say your doing 20 hours in the gym a week , try cut it down to ten and use the other ten going out and meeting people. It doesn't matter how attractive you are if you come accross as vein and dead personality wise your loosing half the battle , I'm sure your a nice bloke who just became a little insecure along the line and i'm sure after all that gym time you don't have a reason to be. Only you can change it , puit yourself out there and try and change thing's for yourself it doesnt matter how big or strong or how muscle you have if your not happy.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 494 ✭✭trio


    Sounds immediately like body dysmorphia to me, but I'm not a doctor so you should go to your GP and ask his opinion.

    From Wikipedia:

    "The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation.

    It is estimated that between 1%-2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD.

    The exact cause or causes of BDD is unknown, but most clinicians believe it to be a complex combination of biological, psychological and environmental factors.

    A person with the disorder may be treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. Research has shown cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) to be effective in treating BDD. BDD is a chronic illness and symptoms are likely to persist, or worsen, if left untreated."

    There is also a disorder called "Exercise Addiction" which may be more applicable, though you'll need to investigate what's the difference between the two to try to see which one might be more relevant. That one also seems to have some basis in seratonin levels - controlling that substance is what SSRIs do.

    http://www.nodependence.com/addictions/exercising-addiction/exercise-addiction.html

    But whatever is wrong with you, you know there's a problem. It's taking over your social life and destroying your confidence. I think you should definately talk to your GP, pronto. You have to take control of this whilst you're still young, so that you can spend the rest of your twenties footloose and fancy-free, not a ball of nerves.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,945 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Exercising is a good and useful way of spending your time and nothing to be worried about even if you are a gym nerd. Your attitude to it may not be the healthiest, but my 2c is that the gym is not even the issue here. The issue is that you suffer from social embarassment and find it hard to meet people.
    The looks attract the women, this is true, but it is the mind that keeps them hooked and so if you don't work on your social skills, it will be difficult to make a meaningful connection with anyone. Like trying to catch a fish with a pretty rod with no line.

    So don't blame the gym, but use it as it was meant, as an outlet for your health and wellbeing, and perhaps an area to tone enough muscles to give you a little bit more confidence.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,147 ✭✭✭Rosita


    Exercising is a good and useful way of spending your time and nothing to be worried about even if you are a gym nerd. Your attitude to it may not be the healthiest, but my 2c is that the gym is not even the issue here. The issue is that you suffer from social embarassment and find it hard to meet people.
    The looks attract the women, this is true, but it is the mind that keeps them hooked and so if you don't work on your social skills, it will be difficult to make a meaningful connection with anyone. Like trying to catch a fish with a pretty rod with no line.

    So don't blame the gym, but use it as it was meant, as an outlet for your health and wellbeing, and perhaps an area to tone enough muscles to give you a little bit more confidence.



    Only problem with this is that if we are talking about some kind of exercise addiction or psychological condition in this situation, your advice is a bit like telling an alcoholic just to drink socially.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 6,376 Mod ✭✭✭✭Macha


    Rosita wrote: »
    Only problem with this is that if we are talking about some kind of exercise addiction or psychological condition in this situation, your advice is a bit like telling an alcoholic just to drink socially.

    No its not the same thing. Drinking, smoking etc. These are all things that addicts can totally cut out of their lives.

    Exercise and food? We need both of these things. Yes the OP may need to go to a counsellor but you can't tell a bulimic to stop eating or any person to stop exercising - it is an integral part of a healthy life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭StormWarrior


    You sound like you have some muscle-building version of anorexia. Gym-going can be extremely addictive. You should visit your GP and ask for advice.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,851 ✭✭✭Glowing


    Just a suggestion - do you go to the gym every day? If so, why not swap a couple of sessions a week with a team sport? That way although you're still exercising, you're out of the gym 'bubble' and you'll get a buzz from being part of a team. You'll also meet people and build up a social life around it .... might take a bit of the emphasis off building muscle.

    I understand how you feel. I've got self-esteem issues and feel that having a nice body can help me feel better about myself. It rarely does however!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,819 ✭✭✭✭g'em


    OP I've been where you are, it's not fun at all. The gym is fun, cathartic, stress-releasing, a challenge, and it can bring out determination and willpower that you never knew you had. but when it gets to the point when it's taking over your life you have to take a step back and ask yourself what's going on.

    I completely empathise with your neuroses and fears, there was a period of time when I had a six pack, and super-low bodyfat but I was still convinced I had a pot belly that simply didn't exist. I trained virtually every day, didn't drink, ate strict meals at strict times with strict macro breakdowns. I convinced myself that the only way I'd be attractive was if I looked like a figure competitor, and as I got in better shape people would remark on it and it spurned me on. I'm sure much of that sounds familiar to you.

    But here's the thing - the average woman doesn't love 6% bodyfat, much like the average man doesn't love a 10% bodyfat girl. They like what's inside, and as has been mentioned the personality type that goes alongside that kind of obsession with your appearance and with the gym can be kind of scary to a non-gym person. In all likelihood you do have some self-esteem worries, but hey, so do most of us. Easing up in the gym and allowing yourself to enjoy life outside it will give you balance and perspective. It's *absolutely* ok to go out and have a few pints every so often, just as it's perfectly fine to eat a pizza and watch movies and enjoy all those antitheses' to the gym from time to time.

    If you don't like what you see in the mirror, how are you going to expect anyone else to either? Try to stop finding faults and instead appreciate what you've been able to push your body to do. But you can't keep pushing forever, so give yourself a break.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Hi Gymnerd,

    I think people might be being a bit hard on you calling you vain etc

    It does sound a bit like body dysmorphia on some level, your beliefs about your body and also what women want are untrue and you know its wrong but you cant seem to make your brain believe the truth.

    This does not make you a bad person OP, it just means something has gone a little wrong in your thinking....I saw a Richard and Judy about it and there was a beautiful girl on it who had believed she was really repulsive looking and would not go out and hated herself, well anyway she got counselling and is better now and life is good again.

    I think it would be a good idea to go along for a bit of counselling as I believe this would really help you, you dont have to stop the gym but it will just help you believe the truth....

    Which is if you spend all that time in the gym chances are you have a great physique which some women will be mad about, and also not all women want a VanDamme type man.......AT ALL !!!

    I personally do not like a man that is overworked, at all.....anything from wiry to healthy I like but when it starts going in the direction where they look unnaturally worked out, well its not to my taste, however each to their own of course!

    Anyway OP, I hope you can find some peace of mind!

    Spooks!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,249 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    OP, women love the entire package. Confidence in both body and mind, sense of humour, ability to make them feel loved/wanted and to remember the small things. It might seem like a lot but it's not hard work at all.
    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    I was seeing a great guy, sex was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. until he became more and more obsessed with beefing up, to the extent he started taking protein shakes etc and going from this amazing, energetic lover to someone who started suffering from erectile disfunction

    Protein shakes causing erectile dysfunction, that's a new one! :rolleyes: From what you've said, it was either psycological or he was taking something that wasn't legal ie. not protein shakes.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    Narcisssus wrote: »
    You sound very vain. Can't think of anyone who would be attracted to someone this insecure to be honest!

    It's interesting. The OP is a picture perfect case of Body Dysmophia but because he is a dude who goes to the gym it's vanity.

    OP, you sound like you are going through the same stage as a lot of my friends and even myself would have gone through.

    What you need to find is a healthy balance between your own self image and your drive to be "better".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,819 ✭✭✭✭g'em


    Kinetic^ wrote: »
    OP, women love the entire package. Confidence in both body and mind, sense of humour, ability to make them feel loved/wanted and to remember the small things.
    Bloomin eck, that's the truest thing I've read in months!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 586 ✭✭✭The Mighty Ken


    Rosita wrote: »
    Muscles are fine but I think most women would be wary of the kind of personality that is probably required to spend hours, days, weeks and months in the gym to achieve them.

    I couldn't disagree more. There is such a thing as training hard in the gym, having a good diet and still having a social life, social skills and not necessarily being insecure and/or vain. If you're and adult and stupid enough to judge a book by its cover, best of luck to you.

    OP - you're insecure. Women will be more turned off by your rabid self-doubt than they will be turned on by your 'ripped abs and big delts'. If you're training properly, you shouldn't need to go to the gym any more than 4 times a week for an hour to an hour and a half each time. Unless you're doing hardcore bodybuilding which, quite frankly, women don't like.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 729 ✭✭✭beth-lou


    Hi OP,
    First off you are not vain. On the contrary you are the opposite.
    It sounds like you have body dysmorphia which has been explained earlier in the thread. If not that, the equvilent of some sort of psychological disorder akin to anorexia. The striving for perfection, the self loathing, the panic about body fat etc, the lack of confidence, even down to your excellent results in your leaving. You have always strived for perfection. You need to stop it now before you burn out. I would recommend seeing a professional. You sound like a lovely guy, with lots to offer a lucky girl. But you need to sort out your issues first and start to love yourself.

    For the record, I love a bit of meat on my man. It's nicer to cuddle. And how he treats me, loves me, makes me feel is so much more important than how he looks. It's a rare woman who looks for a six pack. I mean we all know what it takes to get one and we just don't expect our lovely Irish men to put in that amount of effort. He means less time having fun! I wish you well and hope you seek the help you need. This thread is the start. By the way it sounds as though you have lovely friends, especially since they are being honest with you. Try to talk to at least one of them about this. Their support should help you greatly.
    x


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    I couldn't disagree more. There is such a thing as training hard in the gym, having a good diet and still having a social life, social skills and not necessarily being insecure and/or vain. If you're and adult and stupid enough to judge a book by its cover, best of luck to you.

    OP - you're insecure. Women will be more turned off by your rabid self-doubt than they will be turned on by your 'ripped abs and big delts'. If you're training properly, you shouldn't need to go to the gym any more than 4 times a week for an hour to an hour and a half each time. Unless you're doing hardcore bodybuilding which, quite frankly, women don't like.

    The only part i would disagree with is the last one. The majority of competitive bodybuilders that i know all have girlfriends/wifes etc.

    So it clearly can't be all women who don't like that look.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 180 ✭✭digiology


    Hi,

    I only read the initial post but here are two things I'll say.

    Your addicted to the gym, its happened to me before, the thing is that the more you go the more you'll care about how your body looks. I'm pretty sure if you stopped dead pan and stayed reasonably healthy you'd stop caring so much about how your body looks. At least, that was my experience.

    As for being socially inept, thats all down to practice, your just going to have to find a way to regularly socialize with people.


    Peace


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,900 ✭✭✭littlefriend


    I don't love 6% body fat and really would have zero interest in the big muscley type of body some men have.
    A team sport rather than the gym sounds like a good idea but maybe you need some professional help first.
    What strikes me about your posts is how sad you sound. Over exercising may be just a symptom of something else - like over eating is or any thing else done to excess. Please seek out a counsellor to help you with this - bodywhys is probably a good place to start. Just pick up the phone and let them help you.
    Don't be too hard on yourself - I'd say about 80% of people aren't completely comfortable in their own skin/heads so you are definitely not alone there. Speaking as someone who has come out the other side of serious depression, things get better you just have to start looking for help.

    Truly, I wish you the best of luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭RugbyFanatic


    Dragan wrote: »
    The only part i would disagree with is the last one. The majority of competitive bodybuilders that i know all have girlfriends/wifes etc.

    So it clearly can't be all women who don't like that look.

    Going to have to agree with you there. Women always say they hate big muscles etc. but in reality on nights out I get a lot more attention now than I did before I started going to the gym.

    OP don't be shy I always found my muscles to be a conversation starter. Trust me if your big enough you'll have tons of girls (and guys unfortunately) coming up to you to cop a feel etc.

    That is what is addictive about bodybuilding, walking into a room and everyone wanting to shake your hand.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,456 ✭✭✭✭Mr Benevolent


    A friend who frequented the gym 4 days a week made a pithy comment to the effect that 'women don't know you have a six-pack until you take your shirt off'. He's right, and that's where the 'women love a sixpack' theory falls down.

    Most people in the gym are far to interested in their training to notice anyone else. In fact, it's one of the least social places you can find.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭irish-anabel


    I find this all very interesting.

    If a woman had posted this (excluding about muscle etc) almost eveyone would have said anorexia (excluding narcissus). But there is a taboo about men being low in self esteem.
    I think you have a disorder like anorexia and should seek help. Go to your GP and they will direct you to a therapist.

    Don't suffer like this any longer. Good luck xx


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,260 ✭✭✭jdivision


    OP I went through something similar a few years ago, felt girls didn't like me cos I was too skinny so went from 10.5 stone at over 6'4 to 11 stone to 14.5 stone and eventually 16 stone (this over four years), although by the end I was beginning to get some fat rather than being mainly muscle, I still had a four pack though. My arms went from being tiny to being huge, stretch marks everywhere and couldn't put them by my side if you know what I mean. I suddenly realised one day I'd become a boring pain in the ass and just dropped the whole thing, I've gone to the other extreme and am overweight but Christ I'm a lot happier cos I don't always obsess over what I'm eating or what others think of me. I'm still very body conscious but because I'm happier in my social life it matters less. For the last while I've been trying to get back to a happy medium and will eventually do that but am worried I'll go back the other way. I think girls prefer somebody who's well rounded, somebody who has the ability to go to the gym a couple of nights a week, play a sport with other people that they can interconnect with but at the same time somebody who's able to go for a few pints and hold a conversation


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,501 ✭✭✭BrokenArrows


    i like to think of myself as a reasonably fit person. i go to the gym and have decent muscle mass with some abs but seriously 6% bodyfat.

    if you hadnt mentioned the 6% i would not have believed that you could be that consumed with the gym

    think about it man. 6% is tiny. 12% is still tiny 18% still really amazing.

    so you could effectively let you self go by 3 times as much as you still would be in great shape.


    suggestion time.:

    have a look at your training schedule. pick a single time that you you usually head to the gym and do something social. could be as simple as taking a walk around town and relaxing or taking up a non exercising hobby.

    gradually remove something from your training schedule and do something else.

    soon you will still be going to the gym, still be fit but it wont be consuming you any more.

    i hope this helps somewhat or even gives you some ideas of you own.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    think about it man. 6% is tiny. 12% is still tiny 18% still really amazing.

    For a male, yes 6% is very low BF, 12% is not....you would need to drop about 2% (for the average person) to have even shallow visible abs.

    18% would actually be carrying a little bit of a belly for most people. I don't think advising the OP to drop to this level of conditioning so quickly is the best of advice seeing as he currently uses his appearance to gather his remaining confidence.

    OP, what you need to realise is that you are still the same person who walked into the gym that first day...your just look differently is all.

    Go back to old habits and hangouts with old friends and you'll soon be back to your old self.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,501 ✭✭✭BrokenArrows


    Dragan wrote: »
    For a male, yes 6% is very low BF, 12% is not....you would need to drop about 2% (for the average person) to have even shallow visible abs.

    18% would actually be carrying a little bit of a belly for most people. I don't think advising the OP to drop to this level of conditioning so quickly is the best of advice seeing as he currently uses his appearance to gather his remaining confidence.

    OP, what you need to realise is that you are still the same person who walked into the gym that first day...your just look differently is all.

    Go back to old habits and hangouts with old friends and you'll soon be back to your old self.

    oops.. my bad.... for some reason i thought the average male bodyfat was higher..

    either way he cal sill afford to add some fat with out looking unfit.

    and anyone who wants to maintain that % is going to have to be going to the gym alot which the op obviously wants, possibly even needs to cut back on.


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