Witty things you've said or heard

Anarking · 06-08-2008 03:18PM

Yeah, real witty.

chamlis · 06-08-2008 03:22PM

At a party years ago. There was a guy there who kept telling stories about his escapades that sounded way too far fetched. He was a big ugly man tbh.

I asked a mate of mine who he was:

chamlis: Who is this muppet?

Mate: Ah that's Dave. He used to be in the mountain recue.

chamlis: HIM? He doesn't look like he could rescue himself off a beanbag!

06-08-2008 03:22PM

cornbb wrote: »

Was chatting to a fella in the pub a few weekends ago. He told me he was approached by a chugger. The chugger said "Excuse me! Can I have a quick word?" and the guy replied "velocity!" and walked off

He got that directly from Gordon Strachan.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 06-08-2008 03:34PM

LCDeelite wrote: »

Oh, I just thought of another one!

One day, myself and my friend were walking down Grand Parade in Cork City when we were troubled by the looming grievance of an annoying charity collector. In fairness, some of them can be very aggressive..

Anyway, as we neared him (the collector) and he was like Mother Teresa on coke doing The Haka in front of us, my friend roared:

"WHAT DA **** DO I LOOK LIKE??! BANK OF ****IN' IRELAND?!!!!"

Tall skinny guy, brown hair, works for concern by any chance?

Magpie! · 06-08-2008 03:38PM

Heard this from a friends father.

2 girls in a quiet old mans pub on a sat afternoon. Giggling and flirting with the young barman. Loving themselves and generally being a nuisance to the patrons.

After a while they announce very loudly "We're off to get done up for tonight"

Older barman "It'd take a grant to do ye up"

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 06-08-2008 03:44PM

When we got the last census form out, there was some ridiculously PC question on it about the number of pregnant "people" living in the house. My sister was galncing through it and said "that's retarded, why don't they just say pregnant women?" to which my brother replied "now *sistersname*, women are people too you know" he was only about eleven at the time so he gets extra credit

Edit, of course, this is the child who once read the print on a carton of orange juice and said, thoughtfully "made from Brazilian oranges...wow...that's a lot of oranges" so maybe he wasn't trying to be funny

r3nu4l · 06-08-2008 03:45PM

I live in England. Two years ago as we were finishing work for Christmas, we were having a small champagne reception. The Managing director addressed the company giving the usual praise and thanks to everyone for their hard work during the year. He then mentioned that I was returning home to Ireland for the Christmas and said (jokingly) "Althogh, why anyone would want to go to Ireland I don't know".

I immediately replied, "It's such a pity you lot didn't say that 700 years ago!" :eek:

To this day I don't know where that came from but they took it well :P

El_Dangeroso · 06-08-2008 03:47PM

A friend of mine was trying to do a handstand on Henry St. in Limerick on a Saturday night as you do and got hassled by some scumbags, as you do. After righting himself, he turned around and said

'Sorry, I don't speak knacker.'. The scumbags were dumbfounded.

Also, the classic Billy Madison quote which ends any argument in seconds:

Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 06-08-2008 03:50PM

neddas wrote: »

A friend of mine was trying to do a handstand on Henry St. on a Saturday night as you do and got hassled by some scumbags, as you do. After righting himself, he turned around and said

'Sorry, I don't speak knacker.'. The scumbags were dumbfounded.

First one's good, but surely the other one ends arguments only by earning the utterer a smack?

edit oops spoke too soon

El_Dangeroso · 06-08-2008 03:53PM

Helena Vast Trunk wrote: »

First one's good, but surely the other one ends arguments only by earning the utterer a smack?

edit oops spoke too soon

If you utter it exactly from start to finish, it's surprisingly effective at shutting people up.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 06-08-2008 03:54PM

I'll try it. Have to start an argument first though

dee8839 · 06-08-2008 04:06PM

I know its probably been done before but still makes me laugh. My ex Pat used to do this to his elderly neighbours, check-out ladies, anyone really!!

Pat: Tickle my balls with a feather!
Innocent Victim: PARDON?!
Pat: I said "Typical Irish weather" (looks innocent).

Childish but always that look of momentary shock and confusion made me laugh!

Seachmall · 06-08-2008 04:21PM

dee8839 wrote: »

I know its probably been done before but still makes me laugh. My ex Pat used to do this to his elderly neighbours, check-out ladies, anyone really!!

Pat: Tickle my balls with a feather!
Innocent Victim: PARDON?!
Pat: I said "Typical Irish weather" (looks innocent).

Childish but always that look of momentary shock and confusion made me laugh!

I'm so doing that next chance I get!!:D

rstans · 06-08-2008 04:36PM

Walking through Gaarryowen in Limerick on the go from school, my brother-in-law and his pal saw a girl standing at her garden gate. To say daylight is not her friend is an understatement.
Pal says "I see they threw you out of the kitchen so they could eat their breakfast!"

copeyhagen · 06-08-2008 04:43PM

6 pages and im sorry, but the lack of humour is worrying.

ROCKMAN · 06-08-2008 04:53PM

When to the toilets in my local one night and ran into a 70 + regular,
The hand dryer was hanging off the wall as I looked at the old man quick as a flash he states

" don't look at me I am not destructive , same as I am not constructive , I ain't put the f**ker back. "

Taught it was great , hope if I see that age , I'll be that sharp.

newballsplease · 06-08-2008 05:58PM

some guy the other day was saying how morgan freeman was close to death after an accident or something, another fella turns around and said.... 'when did he get out of prison'

javaboy · 06-08-2008 06:02PM

newballsplease wrote: »

some guy the other day was saying how morgan freeman was close to death after an accident or something, another fella turns around and said.... 'when did he get out of prison'

I think he pardoned Red from the Shawshank Redemption when he played the president in Deep Impact. Now if only someone would pardon him for Deep Impact.

LCDeelite · 11-09-2008 08:33PM

Anarking wrote: »

Yeah, real witty.

Huh?

Vain · 11-09-2008 09:07PM

An old one but meh. Its not cheating unless you get caught

j-bone · 11-09-2008 11:48PM

was watching a documentary about strippers,mostly fat n ugly.. my housemate casually mentioned that he "hasnt seen a pole abused like that since 1946"

Bob the Builder · 12-09-2008 02:04AM

the outcast of the group was eating a penguin bar back in the day when they had jokes on them. Another one of the group shouted over to him "Oh yah, I love them things, whats the joke [on the packet]".

To which, I replied "The person eating it!".

brendansmith · 12-09-2008 02:08AM

Yes, i think its safe to say the the boards.ie members who have posted here are a witless shower.

Bug!!! · 15-01-2009 12:36PM

you could eat an apple throgh a key hole

Puddleduck · 15-01-2009 01:02PM

Once my younger sister was annoying me for whatever reason so I turned round and said 'You know somewhere out in the jungle is a gorrilla with a human baby'

Also my brother in law was going on saying how the jewish were all really rich and smart I turned round and said 'Not that smart if they got stuck in the desert for 40 years'

.50 (MOA) · 15-01-2009 01:07PM

Sittin on the bench during the irish schools hockey tournament 2005, another team member who was a vegetarian, myself and willy was sittin there and we were quite rightly rippin the absolute pi:p:p outs him for bein so, and these two came outa my mouth:
"Cows are made of grass, would you smoke a cow":rolleyes:

and
"Carrots have feelings too":D

Combined with telling him that the soup at the dinner the night before had beef stock in it, he was none too happy that day.

Tupins · 15-01-2009 03:53PM

"Carrots have feelings too":D

Wow - bet he never heard that one before :cool:

S.I.R · 15-01-2009 04:04PM

S.I.R: Here

S.I.R: Here...

innosent victim: What ??

S.I.R: Is your name here ??

Muahahahahahaha :pac:

stovelid · 15-01-2009 04:07PM

Myself and my friend were in New Orleans a short while before Hurricane Katrina. One of the places we had seen when there was the Superdome. So, watching the news during the height of the storm, I emailed him to tell him the Superdome had been damaged or hit or whatever, except in my haste, I mistakenly typed Thunderdome.

He immediately replied Jaysus, is Tina Turner OK?

Made me laugh at the time anyway.

Roadend · 15-01-2009 04:23PM

Was in that pub in Dingle, Foxy John's I think it is, the one that's half pub, half hardware shop. Anyway one of the lads orders the round and for a "joke" says "and I'll have two sheets of sandpaper"
Another lad comes straight out with "Why, feeling a bit rough"

Witty things you've said or heard

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