physical and mental abuse from wife

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 02:15PM

its a pretty sad state of affair that any man would have to do that whereas a woman only has to have spoken testament. But i will take your and cuddlesworth advice and document everything from now on

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 02:16PM

Thanks for all the advice Trinity and the best of luck with your treatment for Post Natal, hope you feel better real soon

Nevyn · 05-08-2008 02:34PM

Actually the law treats people the same it's the court system that at times does not and other people. AxlRose I suggest that you do get in touch with Amen and get advice from other men who have been where you are.

You should not have to put up with this in your own home.
You can get an interim safety order which lasts until there is a hearing, I would strongly suggest you do this.

K-9 · 05-08-2008 02:37PM

AxlRose wrote: »

its a pretty sad state of affair that any man would have to do that whereas a woman only has to have spoken testament. But i will take your and cuddlesworth advice and document everything from now on

Actually that's not factually correct, there needs to be physical or witness evidence for a woman as well.

Anyway, I was in a relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive, though thank God, not to that extent.

Your first priority is your kids welfare. If you leave they will more than likely be left in her care. You can't allow that to happen.

As others have said, get documentary evidence, ring the Guards etc. You need to apply for a barring order if you have enough evidence.

As part of the case, recommend to the judge that she seeks anger management and treatment.

You need to be assertive now. If you stay in this relationship, you will be left with no confidence and depressed or you could snap some day.

Your priority is your kids now, they don't deserve this. You can look after her after you and them are protected.

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 02:43PM

I will contact Amen and seek advice from them. I had a brief meeting with HR in work and they are organising for me to see a counsellor asap and will provide any support i may need.

It wasnt as bad telling someone as i thought it would

Again thanks to everyone for the advice

beth-lou · 05-08-2008 03:01PM

That's great to hear. It's the first step out of her shadow. You need to stop protecting her with secrecey. It keeps her safe while it breaks you down.
Best of luck and stay strong.

_blank_ · 05-08-2008 03:03PM

AxlRose wrote: »

If it wasnt for the kids I'd be gone long ago but i know if i leave i will not get access to them. As a man i have very little rights in the eyes of the law as some people well know.

Ive asked her to seek help numerous times but she flat out refuses to see she has a problem. She was hitting me last night and i grabbed her arm to deflect her punch she hurt her arm and started acting all "look what you did to me" As i am there with scrtach marks on my neck. I;ve told her im reporting it the the Gardai but she said she would make false accusations against me about what i do to her and the kids

She doesnt harm the kids

This is why you need to get on to the Gardaí asap.

If you leave it any longer, she will do this anyway. Make up stuff about you hurting her.

And as we all know, society is conditioned to think the man is the protagonist, not the woman.

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 03:05PM

and because of this conditioned society is why i was feeling at such a loss as to what to do. I know Im not the only one going through this

Singer73 · 05-08-2008 03:09PM

Just wanted to wish you luck - it's a terrible situation.

jesus_thats_gre · 05-08-2008 04:01PM

Record it and show them to every single person she knows.

milod · 05-08-2008 04:09PM

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

Record it and show them to every single person she knows.

Maybe a little OTT showing to everyone who knows! but recording it is the secret here - even if it's only audio tape.

OP, get a dictaphone from work and keep it on your pocket. Press record when she starts and halfway through the tirade, take it out and show her what you're doing.

Then, when she gets physical, use standard self defense techniques to restrain her - if you don't know them, you need to learn them - if only to regain your own self respect. When you have restrained her, tell her loudly and clearly that it stops here and you're not taking it anymore.

Play it back to her if needs be and give her an ultimatum. She's a selfish bully and you are enabling her behaviour by accepting it.

Finally, stop using the kids as your excuse to put up with this. Kids are resilient and you owe it to them to sort this out - they won't be fooled for long if it continues...

Whyner · 05-08-2008 04:19PM

Good luck dude........hope it works out for you, all the best...

hunnybunny · 05-08-2008 04:22PM

Originally Posted by AxlRose
i think its the employee assistance officer from what i can remember. arranged a meeting with one of the girls from HR for after lunch.

Its easy for some to say they wouldnt take it and just leave and believe me Ive tried but i love my kids and i would rather endure all the torment in hell and see them all the time then to walk out and have some court determine when i see them

I know it will be tough on you but can you try to imagine what its like for your kids?

I feel so very sorry for you and most of all your poor children. My mother has had these kind of tantrums against my father. I don t know how he didn t just up and leave.

In my honest opinion, I think you should leave the house if as you say your wife doesn t abuse the children. I would advise you to go to the Gardai and record the abuse.

I used to pray that my parents would separate as the fights would get that bad. It is torture living in that kind of atmosphere and it really effects you and I should know as I went through it! All I knew was that when my parents were not together the fights would stop.

There is nothing worse than sitting at the top of the stairs and hearing the fighting and roaring below. Or your mother waiting for your father to come home to pick a fight with him. My father even started drinking as things became so bad and I hated him so much for it.

Today I blame both of them, her for the abuse, him for putting up with it and his drinking.

I will never put my own kids through that, or if I became like that I would beg my husband to have me committed somewhere.

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 04:58PM

I've practiced various forms of martial arts for years and have used certain techniques to restrain her but again this is used against me whereas she claims by me restraining she claims i am assaulting her. Its a no win situation. I have no problem whatsoever in overpowering her and restraining her but i walk a fine line when it comes to that

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 05:02PM

Thanks for the advice HunnyBunny. I have decided to leave the house and will be staying with friends for the next few days

What you said about you hating your father for it really hit home, I dont want my kids to feel that way.

I feel sorry you had to go through that.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you

barbiegirl · 05-08-2008 05:04PM

Use the dictaphone, but don't show her as it will only exacerbate the issue. Then when she has calmed down and you have gobe to the guards, to document it, then maybe let her hear in the hope it will get her to attend someone to help her. Also possibly her family need to hear it to prove that she needs help.
You, you need to take action, you took the first step with your work, now put a plan in place, and run with it. You need to stop this now. Restraining as you say is a tricky thing, try walking away, verbally telling her to stop etc., but don't retaliate.
Good luck

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 05:07PM

Thanks Barbiegirl,

Ive never retaliated and sometimes i wonder how i have had such sel control over my own temper and emotions but i would never raise my hand to a woman and i dont plan on starting either. I have walked away many a time and verbally asked her to stop sometimes it works sometimes it dont

meglome · 05-08-2008 05:10PM

You really need to document this behaviour even if it means egging her on a bit to get it recorded. Get a video camera/hidden camera and a pocket sized audio recorder. Because the harsh reality is if it comes to your word against hers people will be more inclined to believe her, outside of any legal implications.

MagicMarker · 05-08-2008 05:18PM

Dude i feel so angry for you right now...

You've taken steps in the right direction, fair play. But what you definitely need to do SOON is go down to the gardai station and tell them what's happening. You need to do this before she does it, because you're ****ed if she does.

You need to have something on record, whoever you speak to in the station, get their name/number and inform them every time an incident occurs.

You also need to talk to a solicitor, if you leave your wife for good then i would seek sole custody. You need to know what has to be done to ensure this.

You don't have to take action, but you need to cover your own ass.

AxlRose · 05-08-2008 05:27PM

I dont think i would get sole custody on the basis that the children are not in any danger and if i am perfectly honest she is a fantastic mother but I am not sticking up for her there just stating a fact.

I will be leaving her and seeking legal advice but what i dont want to get involved in is a tug of war over the kids. I just want out and be granted access to them.

I really am surprised at the response I have gotten here today. I thought i was going to get a couple of "you wuss, lettin a woman beat ya" replies

Thanks to everyone you have really given me hope and some food for thought and I have taken it all on board and will be doing alot of what has been said on here

hunnybunny · 05-08-2008 06:11PM

Your welcome, Axl. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your kids.
Who knows? it might even be the right thing for your wife, if this shocks into realising that she needs serious help.
You shouldn t have to put up with this and neither should your children.

I really am surprised at the response I have gotten here today. I thought i was going to get a couple of "you wuss, lettin a woman beat ya" replies

Sadly I think this problem is far more common than people let on. Its just not something we talk about very much.

K-9 · 05-08-2008 07:13PM

It has to be said the legal advice here would be to stay in the house, especially if you want joint or sole custody and as much access as possible.

Be aware as well that denial of access is a real possibility with someone like this.

My fear would be that with you gone, she may take this out on the children. That's why I would, if at all possible, stay in the house.

It's your decision but be aware leaving the house may not make things easier. Renting, paying maintenance, access etc. would all need to be sorted as well.

Jigsaw · 05-08-2008 07:31PM

My heart says attack the bitch with a claw hammer.

My head says hit her where it really hurts, by doing whatever you have to do to get yourself out of the house and get your kids out of the house. Go to a solicitor and take adequate protection over your assets and go to that AMEN thing that other posters mentioned. Also, publicise your wife's behaviour amongst all you and your wife's family and friends, thereby performing a complete character assassination on her. When she has to move miles away and is sitting alone in some lonely flat, she will maybe regret her behaviour. Look after yourself mate and look after your kids, but d@mn your wife to hell.

Jack Sheehan · 05-08-2008 07:40PM

AxlRose wrote: »

I dont think i would get sole custody on the basis that the children are not in any danger and if i am perfectly honest she is a fantastic mother but I am not sticking up for her there just stating a fact.

I will be leaving her and seeking legal advice but what i dont want to get involved in is a tug of war over the kids. I just want out and be granted access to them.

I really am surprised at the response I have gotten here today. I thought i was going to get a couple of "you wuss, lettin a woman beat ya" replies

Thanks to everyone you have really given me hope and some food for thought and I have taken it all on board and will be doing alot of what has been said on here

Domestic abuse in which the man is the victim is increasingly common, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, what can you do to stop her?

DublinWriter · 05-08-2008 07:47PM

AxlRose wrote: »

I really am surprised at the response I have gotten here today. I thought i was going to get a couple of "you wuss, lettin a woman beat ya" replies

Nah...takes a real man not to fight back.

Trinity · 05-08-2008 08:18PM

Best of Luck, I hope everything works out for you and will be thinking about your situation.

I am sure i speak for everyone when i say please come back if you need to talk again.

StormWarrior · 05-08-2008 09:03PM

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Take a Video Camera/Web Camera whatever and place it somewhere where it can get evidence of the abuse. Hopefully get a few of these incidents recorded.

If it ever comes to a court case without any records of abuse besides personal recollection you will immediately be placed in the wrong by any judge simply by your gender.

+1.

I know you said your wife doesn't harm the kids, but seriously, their father being treated like this will do them a great deal of harm. If you can get a few incidents of her behaviour on camera, I'd go for a divorce, and you should get custody of the kids. If she is this violent and uncontrollable she should only be allowed supervised access. This kind of thing is extremely dmagaing to children and can seriously affect them for the rest of their lives. They cannot be happy living this way. Treating the children's father so abominably makes her an unfit mother. If you want to be a good father then you must stop this situation for your children's sakes. Also, if she is threatening to make false allegations about you, write down everything she says and does from now on as evidence.

Esel · 06-08-2008 06:24AM

Seanies32 wrote: »

It has to be said the legal advice here would be to stay in the house, especially if you want joint or sole custody and as much access as possible......It's your decision but be aware leaving the house may not make things easier. Renting, paying maintenance, access etc. would all need to be sorted as well.

+1 on this advice. Why should you be the one to leave the family home? Speak to a solicitor now, and ask about getting a barring order against your wife.

Elessar · 06-08-2008 07:49AM

Do not leave the house. Legally, things will become 10x harder once you do this.

Kaldorn · 06-08-2008 09:50AM

Punch her in the face and when she is crying and her nose is bleeding say..now hunny i have never done that before but if you ever lay a finger on me again i will,..she wont do it again.problem solved

physical and mental abuse from wife

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