physical and mental abuse from wife

AxlRose

Hi,

This is my first post here and really a last resort as I dont know what to do anymore.

Basically my wife of 4 years beats me and mentally abuses me. Everyday i have to endure verbal assaults which include her telling me she is going to stab me, take the kids away, go kill myself, loser, waster etc etc If you can think of it she has said it to me and with such venom too.

Last night I was making dinner and she flew into a blind rage over a poxy phonebill from 2 weeks ago. It was paid by me, i lost the receipt so she thought i was lying. She started punching me and when I restrained her she spat in my face and told me again to just "f**k off and die" no one wants you, i dont want you the kids hate you everyone thinks you are a loser" I am far from a loser I hold a managerial position within the civil service make ok money, I never put myself before the needs of the kids.

Right now i do feel like ending it all. As they say throw enough mud and some of it wil eventually stick. I havent said any of this to family or friends as they i dont think they would understand that someone who is 6'2 could be beaten up by a girl of 5'4

I feel worthless and really alone right now

Cuddlesworth

Take a Video Camera/Web Camera whatever and place it somewhere where it can get evidence of the abuse. Hopefully get a few of these incidents recorded.

If it ever comes to a court case without any records of abuse besides personal recollection you will immediately be placed in the wrong by any judge simply by your gender.

As for the relationship, you guys need counselling.

beth-lou

You are not a loser.
If you didn't have kids I'd say leave now. But unfortunately it is a bit more complicated. Is she abusive to the kids too? You need to seek professsional help. She needs to go for anger managemetn and you probably need counselling to deall with the issues that you have as a result of her cruel, violent and manipulative behaviour. She is breaking the law every time she hits you.


Do you still love her? Do you want her to seek help.
Tell her that she needs to get help for her problem or you will leave with the children. You need to talk to someone outside of your marraige, a brother, sister, friend. You need support.

I hope you can find the strength to stand up to her for your sake and your kids. I wish you the vrey best and please, please, please do not believe a word she says. You are a good person. And very brave for comingo here to ask for help.

Nevyn

Amen.ie Male Victim Service - http://www.amen.ie
St. Anne's Resource Centre,
Railway St.,
Navan,
Co.Meath
Tel: ++353 046 9023718
Fax: ++353 046 9023718
Email: amen@iol.ie

What Men Should Do

Do not leave the family home unless you and your children are in serious danger

Keep a record of dates and times of incidents in a safe place

Report the violence to your doctor and to the Gardaí - ensure that they record all the details of your injuries and the assault

Seek medical attention for any injuries - do not cover up the true cause

Take photographs of any injuries

Take legal advice and seek protection from the courts

Tell your family and friends what is happening to you

Do not be provoked into retaliating

No one should live under those circumstances.
I suggest you ring the support line for Amen and that you report what has happened to the garda and go to your dr so that there are records.

Yes this can happen and yes size and gender has nothing to do with it.
She is bang out of order her behaviour is just so wrong.
You can't go on living there like that it's not go for you and for the kids.
If she hates living with you so much she should move out and move on.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

Information

Under the Domestic Violence Act, 1996, Gardai (the Irish police force) have the power to arrest and prosecute a violent family member. Under the law there are two main kinds of protection available, a safety order and a barring order.

A safety order is an order of the court which prohibits the violent person from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the person to leave the family home. If the person lives apart from you it prohibits them from watching or being near your home. A total of 1,221 applications for safety orders were granted through the District Courts in Ireland in 2006. The highest proportion of safety orders granted (693) was against the spouse of the applicant.

A barring order is an order which requires the person to leave the family home. A total of 1,357 barring orders were granted by the District Courts in 2006. Again, the highest proportion of barring orders granted, (727) related to the spouse of the applicant.

To get a barring order or a safety order you must attend a court hearing. While you are waiting for the court to hear your application, the court can give you an immediate order called a protection order. The protection order has the same effect as a safety order. In exceptional circumstances the court can grant an interim barring order. This is an immediate order, requiring the violent person to leave the family home. A total of 2,845 protection orders and 544 interim barring orders were granted by the District Courts in 2006. Further information on the number of orders granted is available in the Courts Service Annual Report.

A safety order can last up to 5 years and a barring order up to 3 years. These orders can be renewed.

marti101

If there is bruising go to the doctors then on to the guards and finally get on to womens aid they will tell you everything you need to know.By staying you and youre wife are doing damage to the children.I know myself as i have spent time in these hostels,they are a great help but sometims i did feel like they were putting words in to my mouth.Now is there any way yoyu could go for custody it will be hard but you eill have piece of mind.Or you could threaten her that you are going to the guards and she what she says.

AxlRose

If it wasnt for the kids I'd be gone long ago but i know if i leave i will not get access to them. As a man i have very little rights in the eyes of the law as some people well know.

Ive asked her to seek help numerous times but she flat out refuses to see she has a problem. She was hitting me last night and i grabbed her arm to deflect her punch she hurt her arm and started acting all "look what you did to me" As i am there with scrtach marks on my neck. I;ve told her im reporting it the the Gardai but she said she would make false accusations against me about what i do to her and the kids

She doesnt harm the kids

Nevyn

If you are married then you do have rights to your kids under law.
If she is abusing you then you have every right to have her removed from the family home.
Start making records, go to your dr and get what has happened to you on file and when you feel you have enough got to the family courts.

Get support from your, family tell them what she is doing, don't her manipulate you so that you don't have people to go to. Keeping what is going on a secret it playing into her hands.

beth-lou

Please report her to the Gardai. She is being so, so manipultative. Better for you to do it first. And record it as has been said. Myheart goes out to you. But she is harming the kids by treating you like this

Alicat

Do the children see her acting like this towards you? Does she do it in front of them?

Trinity

You absolutely cannot and should not continue to live under those circumstances any longer.

I am not belittling your wife or coming on to start bashing her but she obviously has dire dire problems and that is far from normal behaviour.

Thats what bugs the **** out of me about the law, she shouldnt have that over you that she will not let you see the kids, why dont you tell her that it is her that wont be allowed to see teh kids if it comes out that she is voilent. SHe really must seek help, i know you have tried but have you spoken to her family at all?

I know its a difficult one to explain or talk about, but this can only end in tragedy and if you report her to someone, even your GP, its a start and will only serve as proof to you in the long run. Log every incident from now on.

You cant stay there. If it was a woman she would be told to run and get the guards and take her kids out of there, you need to do soemthing about this immediately.

AxlRose

If i even bring the kids up and say she is harming them it causes her to go into another blind rage. Its pretty sad when i feel i have to watch what i say in fear of what she'll do. Its not that i cant take the punching or name calling, I can take alot of physical punishment but inside i am being reduced to feeling worthless and i am self doubting myself about my abilities as a father and my general existence

AxlRose

Trinity,

I phoned her mother last night and told her exactly what she did, I put the wife onto her and she turned on the waterworks and started spouting utter rubbish about how i start arguments and calling her names, her mother threatened to call the gardai about me!!

AxlRose

AliCat,

No the kids dont see this happen but Im pretty damn sure they pick up the bad vibes in the house. Its not me Im really concerned about its them

trio

Ring Amen TODAY. At least you'll have people who understand listening to you on the other end of the phone. You must be so lonely.

My heart is breaking for you - you sound devastated.

Would you consider ringing them today?

Miss Fluff

I would take Trinity's advice and go and see your local GP. The purpose of this is two-fold. First of all s/he may be able to advise you on counselling services, the second is to have it documented. You can't continue like this but it is a case of having to seek help, it's not like she is just going to suddenly stop behaving so badly. Are the kids ever witness to these outbursts? What age are they?

Trinity

AxlRose wrote: »

If i even bring the kids up and say she is harming them it causes her to go into another blind rage. Its pretty sad when i feel i have to watch what i say in fear of what she'll do. Its not that i cant take the punching or name calling, I can take alot of physical punishment but inside i am being reduced to feeling worthless and i am self doubting myself about my abilities as a father and my general existence

I'm not surprised you feel that way.

Do you mind if i ask when this started or was she always like that?

I do find that people get away with this behaviour once, then its almost a given its going to happen again. I am not saying people dont change but she seems to have you over a barrell so she doesnt have to change.

I wouldnt treat someone i hated that way, never mind someone i loved. Do you recall when it started,, was it after a significant event perhaps childbirth, a row, a death in the family etc?

AxlRose

i want to ring, i want to get help but ive got this whole "male pride" thing aswell about the situation. it took me all morning just to initially post this

Trinity

AxlRose wrote: »

Trinity,

I phoned her mother last night and told her exactly what she did, I put the wife onto her and she turned on the waterworks and started spouting utter rubbish about how i start arguments and calling her names, her mother threatened to call the gardai about me!!

**** thats a toughie. Could you call around to your mum in law unknowns to your wife. SOunds like she will stick up for her daughter but tell her everything thats been going on and put it to her mother that if she loves her daughter she will help you to get her help for her own sake.

If you take yourself out of the equation her mother might actaully listen

AxlRose

its was after the birth of the second child about 2 years ago. she refused to take meds for post natal

romarr

Phone AMEN as soon as possible...

They have heard it all before

They will give clear advice on what to DO...

your first step was to post here, the next small step is a deep breath and phone them

Alicat

AxlRose wrote: »

i want to ring, i want to get help but ive got this whole "male pride" thing aswell about the situation. it took me all morning just to initially post this

Well I hope by being brave enough to post the message, and seeing the responses and knowing that people are concerned for you, that it might spur you on even further. You need to ring AMEN. Or your G.P. SOMEONE!

As far as "male pride", your main concern should be to look after yourself and your kids. Don't let "pride" hold you back from doing that.

Miss Fluff

AxlRose wrote: »

i want to ring, i want to get help but ive got this whole "male pride" thing aswell about the situation. it took me all morning just to initially post this

You poor thing, that's perfectly understandable and any victim of domestic abuse often feel shame and embarassment, regardless of their gender. You have to think of yourself and your kids though, the people in AMEN deal with similar cases on a daily basis, you have to get help, you owe it to the future of you and your family.

Trinity

AxlRose wrote: »

its was after the birth of the second child about 2 years ago. she refused to take meds for post natal

Hmmm I thought it might be soemthing like this. She has a mental illness tbh. She needs help and so do you.

Talk to her mum or write her a letter. Write your wife one too. If this continues you will have to leave there is no 2 ways about it.

Tell her you are leaving if she doesnt seek help, if she says about the kids just tell her a judge will sort that end of things out.

Be calm but make it clear you wont accept this any longer and wont be threatened. Turn the tables around on her. Go to your GP, better still if she will go with you but if not stand strong and tall and tell her this ends today. Tell her she can hit and threaten you all she wants but you are taking over now.

AxlRose

I am well aware that she has a mental illness and im blue in the face telling her she needs to see someone about it. One minute she is fine but within seconds she turns into someone else. The thing that really pi**es me off is that i cant confide anything in her anymore becasue it will be used against me when she flies off the handle the next time e.g. I was going for a promotional interview, pretty nervous, told her about it, the usual you'll be fine blah blah. then the next day she goes into an onslaught of "why would anyone wanna promote a loser like you"

trio

Axl, AMEN have heard it all. They have heard worse, no doubt.

Also, think of it this way, your male pride still let you come on here today. Maybe it'll let you take another little private step.

Think about it, none of us know you. This is entirely private. And your conversation between you and AMEN will be just between you and them too.

AxlRose

Trio, you are right it would be anonymous to phone them. its either that or approach HR here in the office as all of this has affected my work and they've been on my back lately about that so maybe this would clear the air with them too

Beruthiel

Next time HR get on your back, apologise and explain that you have some family problems at the moment. They will cut you some slack.

Phone AMEN and just chat with them, there's no strings attached.

As for your wife, personally I would not put up with such behaviour and would have left long ago.
Your children are not blind and know this is going on, how will that affect them now and in the future? How will it affect their future relationships.
This is what you should have in the front of your mind and the reason you should do what ever it takes to sort this out.

You maybe blue in the face telling her to sort this, but it's time to tell her to sort herself out or you're walking.

Trinity

AxlRose wrote: »

Trio, you are right it would be anonymous to phone them. its either that or approach HR here in the office as all of this has affected my work and they've been on my back lately about that so maybe this would clear the air with them too

Dont now what dept you are in but in education we have an employee service like a counsellor, cant rember whats its called but they send emails around. Our one is very nice its worth a shot she helps with everything and will speak to HR for you if you wish

AxlRose

i think its the employee assistance officer from what i can remember. arranged a meeting with one of the girls from HR for after lunch.

Its easy for some to say they wouldnt take it and just leave and believe me Ive tried but i love my kids and i would rather endure all the torment in hell and see them all the time then to walk out and have some court determine when i see them

Trinity

AxlRose wrote: »

i think its the employee assistance officer from what i can remember. arranged a meeting with one of the girls from HR for after lunch.

Its easy for some to say they wouldnt take it and just leave and believe me Ive tried but i love my kids and i would rather endure all the torment in hell and see them all the time then to walk out and have some court determine when i see them

Thats understandable, i have 2 kids myself, but i think the idea is not actually to leave. I know its awful to make idle threats but again she has no incentive to stop because she knows this is how you feel - you endure it cos of your children. And you will keep enduring it.

Best of luck whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, i hope you can persuade her to get help.

I'm actually heading to the psychiatrist myself this minute for my post natal depression, i wont take meds either but judging by your story if i was to deteriorate to that level i would hope i would have the sense to take them.

The_Conductor

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Take a Video Camera/Web Camera whatever and place it somewhere where it can get evidence of the abuse. Hopefully get a few of these incidents recorded.

If it ever comes to a court case without any records of abuse besides personal recollection you will immediately be placed in the wrong by any judge simply by your gender.

As for the relationship, you guys need counselling.

Cuddlesworth is right unfortunately. Purely on gender grounds men are pretty much automatically assumed to be in the wrong. You need to document what is happening- as the implications of not having solid evidence are pretty much that you very possibly might not see your children again. The law does not favour you in this respect.

AxlRose

its a pretty sad state of affair that any man would have to do that whereas a woman only has to have spoken testament. But i will take your and cuddlesworth advice and document everything from now on

AxlRose

Thanks for all the advice Trinity and the best of luck with your treatment for Post Natal, hope you feel better real soon

Nevyn

Actually the law treats people the same it's the court system that at times does not and other people. AxlRose I suggest that you do get in touch with Amen and get advice from other men who have been where you are.

You should not have to put up with this in your own home.
You can get an interim safety order which lasts until there is a hearing, I would strongly suggest you do this.

K-9

AxlRose wrote: »

its a pretty sad state of affair that any man would have to do that whereas a woman only has to have spoken testament. But i will take your and cuddlesworth advice and document everything from now on

Actually that's not factually correct, there needs to be physical or witness evidence for a woman as well.

Anyway, I was in a relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive, though thank God, not to that extent.

Your first priority is your kids welfare. If you leave they will more than likely be left in her care. You can't allow that to happen.

As others have said, get documentary evidence, ring the Guards etc. You need to apply for a barring order if you have enough evidence.

As part of the case, recommend to the judge that she seeks anger management and treatment.

You need to be assertive now. If you stay in this relationship, you will be left with no confidence and depressed or you could snap some day.

Your priority is your kids now, they don't deserve this. You can look after her after you and them are protected.

AxlRose

I will contact Amen and seek advice from them. I had a brief meeting with HR in work and they are organising for me to see a counsellor asap and will provide any support i may need.

It wasnt as bad telling someone as i thought it would

Again thanks to everyone for the advice

beth-lou

That's great to hear. It's the first step out of her shadow. You need to stop protecting her with secrecey. It keeps her safe while it breaks you down.
Best of luck and stay strong.

_blank_

AxlRose wrote: »

If it wasnt for the kids I'd be gone long ago but i know if i leave i will not get access to them. As a man i have very little rights in the eyes of the law as some people well know.

Ive asked her to seek help numerous times but she flat out refuses to see she has a problem. She was hitting me last night and i grabbed her arm to deflect her punch she hurt her arm and started acting all "look what you did to me" As i am there with scrtach marks on my neck. I;ve told her im reporting it the the Gardai but she said she would make false accusations against me about what i do to her and the kids

She doesnt harm the kids

This is why you need to get on to the Gardaí asap.

If you leave it any longer, she will do this anyway. Make up stuff about you hurting her.

And as we all know, society is conditioned to think the man is the protagonist, not the woman.

AxlRose

and because of this conditioned society is why i was feeling at such a loss as to what to do. I know Im not the only one going through this

Singer73

Just wanted to wish you luck - it's a terrible situation.

jesus_thats_gre

Record it and show them to every single person she knows.

milod

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

Record it and show them to every single person she knows.

Maybe a little OTT showing to everyone who knows! but recording it is the secret here - even if it's only audio tape.

OP, get a dictaphone from work and keep it on your pocket. Press record when she starts and halfway through the tirade, take it out and show her what you're doing.

Then, when she gets physical, use standard self defense techniques to restrain her - if you don't know them, you need to learn them - if only to regain your own self respect. When you have restrained her, tell her loudly and clearly that it stops here and you're not taking it anymore.

Play it back to her if needs be and give her an ultimatum. She's a selfish bully and you are enabling her behaviour by accepting it.

Finally, stop using the kids as your excuse to put up with this. Kids are resilient and you owe it to them to sort this out - they won't be fooled for long if it continues...

Whyner

Good luck dude........hope it works out for you, all the best...

hunnybunny

Originally Posted by AxlRose
i think its the employee assistance officer from what i can remember. arranged a meeting with one of the girls from HR for after lunch.

Its easy for some to say they wouldnt take it and just leave and believe me Ive tried but i love my kids and i would rather endure all the torment in hell and see them all the time then to walk out and have some court determine when i see them

I know it will be tough on you but can you try to imagine what its like for your kids?

I feel so very sorry for you and most of all your poor children. My mother has had these kind of tantrums against my father. I don t know how he didn t just up and leave.

In my honest opinion, I think you should leave the house if as you say your wife doesn t abuse the children. I would advise you to go to the Gardai and record the abuse.


I used to pray that my parents would separate as the fights would get that bad. It is torture living in that kind of atmosphere and it really effects you and I should know as I went through it! All I knew was that when my parents were not together the fights would stop.

There is nothing worse than sitting at the top of the stairs and hearing the fighting and roaring below. Or your mother waiting for your father to come home to pick a fight with him. My father even started drinking as things became so bad and I hated him so much for it.

Today I blame both of them, her for the abuse, him for putting up with it and his drinking.

I will never put my own kids through that, or if I became like that I would beg my husband to have me committed somewhere.

AxlRose

I've practiced various forms of martial arts for years and have used certain techniques to restrain her but again this is used against me whereas she claims by me restraining she claims i am assaulting her. Its a no win situation. I have no problem whatsoever in overpowering her and restraining her but i walk a fine line when it comes to that

AxlRose

Thanks for the advice HunnyBunny. I have decided to leave the house and will be staying with friends for the next few days

What you said about you hating your father for it really hit home, I dont want my kids to feel that way.

I feel sorry you had to go through that.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you

barbiegirl

Use the dictaphone, but don't show her as it will only exacerbate the issue. Then when she has calmed down and you have gobe to the guards, to document it, then maybe let her hear in the hope it will get her to attend someone to help her. Also possibly her family need to hear it to prove that she needs help.
You, you need to take action, you took the first step with your work, now put a plan in place, and run with it. You need to stop this now. Restraining as you say is a tricky thing, try walking away, verbally telling her to stop etc., but don't retaliate.
Good luck

AxlRose

Thanks Barbiegirl,

Ive never retaliated and sometimes i wonder how i have had such sel control over my own temper and emotions but i would never raise my hand to a woman and i dont plan on starting either. I have walked away many a time and verbally asked her to stop sometimes it works sometimes it dont

meglome

You really need to document this behaviour even if it means egging her on a bit to get it recorded. Get a video camera/hidden camera and a pocket sized audio recorder. Because the harsh reality is if it comes to your word against hers people will be more inclined to believe her, outside of any legal implications.

MagicMarker

Dude i feel so angry for you right now...

You've taken steps in the right direction, fair play. But what you definitely need to do SOON is go down to the gardai station and tell them what's happening. You need to do this before she does it, because you're ****ed if she does.

You need to have something on record, whoever you speak to in the station, get their name/number and inform them every time an incident occurs.

You also need to talk to a solicitor, if you leave your wife for good then i would seek sole custody. You need to know what has to be done to ensure this.

You don't have to take action, but you need to cover your own ass.

AxlRose

I dont think i would get sole custody on the basis that the children are not in any danger and if i am perfectly honest she is a fantastic mother but I am not sticking up for her there just stating a fact.

I will be leaving her and seeking legal advice but what i dont want to get involved in is a tug of war over the kids. I just want out and be granted access to them.

I really am surprised at the response I have gotten here today. I thought i was going to get a couple of "you wuss, lettin a woman beat ya" replies

Thanks to everyone you have really given me hope and some food for thought and I have taken it all on board and will be doing alot of what has been said on here