His ex wants back now he's confused

LegacyUser · 08-07-2008 02:21AM #1

Long time reader first time poster ! Just so confused myself today.
Have been seeing a really great guy for the past few months , he asked me out and we were getting on really well, and really at ease and cosy with each other. Not so long ago he even said he was falling hard for me and I never doubted his motivation for being with me.
I knew when he met me first he had recently finished with his girlfriend of 3 years, it was mutal and he told me there was no feelings there at all. She had cheated on him and when they tried to patch things up it just didnt work out. I always had a hunch though that he was hiding some feelings he really had about it her. Im a level headed enough girl and I wouldnt get rattled too easily but things like a Valentines card kept in the car and a reluctance really to be seen out with me in her local area on nights he probably thought she could be around . Im so sorry Im rambling but I just need to paint the picture.

So the proverbial $%& hit the fan on a night out recently . . Long story short. He was due to meet me and my friends. in a pub later on in the night. Never showed up and was totally out of character. I texted him to say we were heading to the club. Seen him in the nightclub and he practically ignores me . most the night he is in a serious conversation with a friend. Im too stunned to brazen it out and tackle him there and then so I do nothing but watch on like a fool. I see the ex lurking about giving me daggers and put two and two together.
As I turn to leave he follows me out and I ask whats the story ? He said he had met the ex earlier and she was in bits, crying and saying she wanted him back and didnt know what she had till it was gone and now his head was fried. He started some sentence about your a lovely girl but there is history there.... I snapped at that point and said how could he spend the night before with me and now he is saying this. I reacted badly I admit but drink involved too. He was really calm and said he isnt playing games just it upset him to see her so in bits.
The next day I didnt know really what to think , I told him to go sort his head out and ask himself why was he so rattled. Is there something still brewing there ?what got me the most was how he handled it in the club. He basically hid away and left me standing like a royal eggit. his reasoning for that was he didnt want to rub it in her face.

Texting a little since and he has told me he has been happy to bits with me and knows the ex is only jealous to see him happy but and here is the crunch .....he still needs a few days to work out the confusion? Am I crazy to believe that ? Should I run now or take him at his word. I came into this with no baggage...we all have pasts but u leave them at the door. I feel hurt and let down will it just happen again.
So sorry this is an essay any help really appreciated so I cant get perspective on it.

Victor · 08-07-2008 03:29AM

Glitterysparkle wrote: »

he still needs a few days to work out the confusion?

I'm guessing his brain hurts a lot at the moment, give him a few days, but no more.

Feelgood · 08-07-2008 03:40AM

In fairness you sound like an amazingly cool chick and you played the whole situation really well if you ask me. I guess the main question I would be asking, is how long has this guy been out of the relationship?. Are we talking a few weeks here?. If so you are probably going to have to understand that he may still have some feelings for his ex. Now that doesn't mean that he wants to get back with her, just that he needs some time to get over it.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment until you hear a bit more. In fairness to him when you asked him what the story was he told you there and then, I'm not saying his actions were right.

Give it a fews days, talk with him. Tell him that your not going to be playing 2nd fiddle to anyone and that if he still is getting over his relationship, or still has feelings for his ex that he shouldn't be looking to get into a new relationship until his head is sorted.

Likewise for you!. I wouldn't be looking to get into something with someone who has just broken up with a girlfriend of 3 years. Play it cool like you have been, but don't be anyone's rebound....

BraziliaNZ · 08-07-2008 03:40AM

if he was into you this stuff would not be an issue. Seriously you can do better than all this drama. Jesus christ I'm glad I'm single.

SnowMonkey · 08-07-2008 03:45AM

its his ex gf of 3 year's there's a bit of a bond there. Does'nt mean hes going to run back to her.... It would be difficult for any man and if he remaind calm then it shows he was'nt doing anything that bad???
granted he gave you a bit of a run around but it apears pretty inocent. Not saying it is.

I think you should give hima break, and let him get his noodle straight...

yep and you handeled it very cool.....Very Cool INdeed

LolaLuv · 08-07-2008 04:29AM

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

if he was into you this stuff would not be an issue. Seriously you can do better than all this drama. Jesus christ I'm glad I'm single.

Amen to this! Especially the happiness about being single part.

Rb · 08-07-2008 04:46AM

Remind him that she cheated on him after being with him for three years and that if someone is willing to do that after such a long time, they're going to do it again in the future. All the ex seems to be doing is trying to destroy what you have out of jealousy and to satisfy her herself/her loneliness. Personally I think you should confront her about it and try to get her to back off.
If he is to continue with you though, I'd ensure he cuts contact with her immediately and tell him it's over if you find out he's been texting/talking to her since it's so apparent there's still issues there and that he hasn't fully gotten over her.

Rb · 08-07-2008 04:57AM

Actually, no, he's not over her so don't let yourself be messed around. Tell him that he's obviously not over her and to get back to you when he is, but you won't wait around forever and then let him go sort himself out. If he comes back, make sure he understands he can't be in touch with her anymore, if he doesn't then it's his loss and he'll probably end up being screwed over again by her.

Beruthiel · 08-07-2008 08:07AM

Glitterysparkle wrote: »

He started some sentence about your a lovely girl but there is history there.... I snapped at that point and said how could he spend the night before with me and now he is saying this. I reacted badly I admit but drink involved too. He was really calm and said he isnt playing games just it upset him to see her so in bits.

Ya right.
The way I see it, you're the rebound girl.
If it was totally over between them, then his head wouldn't be 'fried' over this. If he was mad into you, then she wouldn't matter to the extent she clearly does.
Me, I'd just dump him and move on with my life. I'm nobodies second.

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 09:34AM

Beruthiel wrote: »

Ya right.
The way I see it, you're the rebound girl.
If it was totally over between them, then his head wouldn't be 'fried' over this. If he was mad into you, then she wouldn't matter to the extent she clearly does.
Me, I'd just dump him and move on with my life. I'm nobodies second.

Disagree, three years is a long time to spend with someone and obviously there's still going to be a connection there. That doesn't mean he doesn't care more about the OP. Ultimatums are best left to the side in personal relationships, imo.

DAWNRISER · 08-07-2008 09:53AM

Please Please Please do not fall for this!!!

If this guy had any respect for you he wouldnt do his "thinking" in a public nightclub.
He could very easily have met the ex and talked to her..... found out how he felt then come to you with it.... he sounds like a child who is playing games......
So unless he's 15 I would get him out of your life....
This is a no brainer.... your not going to spend the rest of your life with this guy. He has been disshonest and untrustyworthy this far into the relationship... why waste your time on him....
MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There'll be tears.... but at least you will have made the choice... dont wait for him to come back and choose you only to spend forever more feeling like he has "her " on his mind.... She'll always be there..... you know that.

Beruthiel · 08-07-2008 09:59AM

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Ultimatums are best left to the side in personal relationships, imo.

You obviously didn't understand my comment.
That wasn't an ultimatum, that was me stating that I would have no interest whatsoever in being in a relationship with someone who clearly wasn't over their ex. I would walk away from a situation like that.

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 10:00AM

DAWNRISER wrote: »

If this guy had any respect for you he wouldnt do his "thinking" in a public nightclub.

That's rubbish, as a guy I've some of my deepest conversations with my best mates when drunk in a nightclub, not everyone communicates over a cup of coffee.

Dragan · 08-07-2008 10:01AM

Personally i would agree with B.

OP don't demonise the fella for it but do you really want to be in a relationship that can be shook so easily?

If your not looking for a long term investment i suppose there is no issue.

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 10:06AM

Beruthiel wrote: »

You obviously didn't understand my comment.
That wasn't an ultimatum, that was me stating that I would have no interest whatsoever in being in a relationship with someone who clearly wasn't over their ex. I would walk away from a situation like that.

Perhaps, but it's rarely as clear cut as that. Maybe the OP shouldn't have gone for a guy just out of a relationship, maybe he shouldn't have gone with her, but what's done is done, she has feelings for him, he has feelings for her. To walk away could just leave everyone feeling as broken hearted as the ex. Whereas if she waits rather than walking away, the couple have a good chance of being together. Why not hear him out properly and then decide?

RedXIV · 08-07-2008 10:39AM

I'm with Amazo here, even years after people have broken up, having one party come back into the picture with the kind of declarations she has made would shake up quite a few people. Maybe the majority of the people posting here are different but most of my friends in real life would agree with me. If you've gone out with someone, there was a bond, and there's always a wonder "what would have happened" if they had stayed together.

OP, i'd give the guy maybe a day or two, this has probably shaken him up a bit and released quite a few old memories an emotions that she KNOWS she can trigger.

Beruthiel · 08-07-2008 10:52AM

RedXIV wrote: »

I'm with Amazo here, even years after people have broken up, having one party come back into the picture with the kind of declarations she has made would shake up quite a few people.

See, I don't get why it woud shake you up. If the relationship is over and you have moved on then it may surprise you to have them come back later, but it certainly shouldn't even slightly make you wonder 'what if' if you have totally move on from them and understood why ye broke up in the first place.

That's the point I'm making here. He hasn't moved on. He still is wondering 'what if', that means he is on the rebound and telling the OP to hang on in there in the hope he can pick her means he actually has to decide. He shouldn't even have to think about that imo. If his head was together, he should know.

Wibbs · 08-07-2008 10:56AM

I'd have to agree with RedXIV. Of course if you've been with someone for that length of time, they are an important part of your life, or at least your past and those triggers can be powerful.

What adds weight to it is the small gap between her and you. That's where the rebound bit comes in. He wasn't over her, or at least he was dragging part of the past into your relationship. Now everyone drags something forward. That's even a good thing. Especially when it's realising that you need to be treated a certain way, so comparing old with new in that case is good. I suspect as he does that there is unfinished business there. Even if it's simple closure.

You did the right things though. Let him sort his mind out. Better he does that than make a snap decision to be with you that he regrets down the line, which ends up hurting you.

RedXIV · 08-07-2008 11:01AM

Beruthiel wrote: »

That's the point I'm making here. He hasn't moved on. He still is wondering 'what if', that means he is on the rebound

Not necessarily, i'm 250% sure i'm not on a rebound, but my thoughts have fluttered back on occasion to "what ifs". Admittedly, it's never affected a relationship of mine but i can see where other people can come from

How Strange · 08-07-2008 11:24AM

I agree with Beruthiel.

He stood her up, then ignored her in the club and afterwards told her about the ex's declaration.

IMO, he's not over her and the OP is the rebound.

Sometimes things have to be back and white - if he had any feelings for the OP then he wouldn't have acted like that - standing her up and ignoring her.
If he was conflicted but had feelings for the OP he should have dealt with this situation without the dramatics.

I had a situation where this ex I used to be mad about contacted me out of the blue when I was seeing my current bf only about 3 months. It was still at that 'just seeing each other' stage. I never mentioned it to him, I just dealt with it and told the ex I wasn't interested, I'd moved on.

It's not really the idea that he is conflicted which is the problem. The problem is how he's handled the situation. It's all high dramatics and it's got the OP waiting. IMO, if the OP factored in his life at all he wouldn't have done this so the fact that he has speaks volumes.

seahorse · 08-07-2008 11:59AM

First off OP, sorry to hear about this, your head must be fried. As for advice, I know it wont be what you want to hear, but if I were you I'd let this man go and no two ways about it. I wouldn’t give another second of my time to any man who'd actively ignore me in a nightclub or anywhere else just because his ex was skulking around.

He hasn’t been honest about his feelings from the start. He said there were no feelings left; well now come on! There were enough feelings left for him to publicly prioritise her feelings over yours, and for me personally, that'd be all I needed to know.

Dont forget that if you accept this you are setting a precident for what's acceptable; that is to say, you're communicating to him that second place is good enough for you. I'd say dont be in any hurry to communicte that unless you're willing to put up with more of the same, because more of the same is exactly what you'll get. So my advice would be - you can certainly do better, so get rid and make way for the man who's not about to put you in second place behind his ex, or anyone else.

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 12:01PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

See, I don't get why it woud shake you up. If the relationship is over and you have moved on then it may surprise you to have them come back later, but it certainly shouldn't even slightly make you wonder 'what if' if you have totally move on from them and understood why ye broke up in the first place.

That's the point I'm making here. He hasn't moved on. He still is wondering 'what if', that means he is on the rebound and telling the OP to hang on in there in the hope he can pick her means he actually has to decide. He shouldn't even have to think about that imo. If his head was together, he should know.

Do you know how men's minds work?

I'm pretty sure most people are susceptible to a case of the "what-if's", it's not a reason to leave a relationship.

seahorse · 08-07-2008 12:02PM

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Do you know how men's minds work?

I'm pretty sure most people are susceptible to a case of the "what-if's", it's not a reason to leave a relationship.

Maybe not, but getting stood-up and publicly ignored sure is.

Beruthiel · 08-07-2008 12:14PM

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Do you know how men's minds work?

Nope. But I'm damn sure how mine works.

I'm pretty sure most people are susceptible to a case of the "what-if's", it's not a reason to leave a relationship.

No it's not.
But the below is:

He was due to meet me and my friends. in a pub later on in the night. Never showed up and was totally out of character.

Seen him in the nightclub and he practically ignores me

He said he had met the ex earlier and she was in bits, crying and saying she wanted him back and didnt know what she had till it was gone and now his head was fried.

He started some sentence about your a lovely girl but there is history there

He basically hid away and left me standing like a royal eggit. his reasoning for that was he didnt want to rub it in her face.

Now that last comment is the cruncher as far as I'm concerned.
He's willing to treat his present g/f like she's a piece of sh!t on his shoe in order that the ex isn't upset.
The OP should hear the alarm bells ringing on that one from miles away.

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 12:18PM

seahorse wrote: »

Maybe not, but getting stood-up and publicly ignored sure is.

Again, just speaking from personal experience, if I have a big issue to discuss with a close mate, it can be best done over pints in a pub/club. I can do it sober, but generally it's done drunk. I'm pretty sure it's the same for 90% of Irish men. It may have seemed that he was ignoring her, he wasn't, chances are he was discussing her with his best friend for several hours, perhaps even in detail. Ok, it's not the same as spending every second by her side, but don't let that fool you into thinking she wasn't a big part of his night.

Course in an ideal world, we'd be all modern and discuss these things in a more reasonable way, but just going by most Irishmen I know, we aren't there yet. It's painfully obvious most of the women on this thread have never been a drunk, confused Irishman...

Like I said earlier, walking away now only guarantees everyone leaves broken hearted, whereas hearing him out could easily lead to the OP and the boyfriend staying together.

LolaLuv · 08-07-2008 12:35PM

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Like I said earlier, walking away now only guarantees everyone leaves broken hearted, whereas hearing him out could easily lead to the OP and the boyfriend staying together.

I understand what you're saying, and I think you do have a good, optimistic point, but most of the women here (including myself) are worried about exactly what sort of a prize she'd get for hearing him out. The best case scenario is she'd be with a man who prioritizes his lying, cheating ex's feelings over hers, can't discuss emotions in a mature way, and has ditched her, only to embarrass her later. How is that something to hold out for?

Amazotheamazing · 08-07-2008 12:44PM

PillyPen wrote: »

I understand what you're saying, and I think you do have a good, optimistic point, but most of the women here (including myself) are worried about exactly what sort of a prize she'd get for hearing him out. The best case scenario is she'd be with a man who prioritizes his lying, cheating ex's feelings over hers, can't discuss emotions in a mature way, and has ditched her, only to embarrass her later. How is that something to hold out for?

We don't know the guy, we don't know how good the relationship is. It's up to her to determine whether it's worth it or not, I'm just pointing out thati t's not uncommon to still have feelings, respect etc for someone you spent three years with. These feelings aren't necessarily stronger than the ones he has for the OP, infact, considering how the b/f and his ex drifted apart it's more likely to be feelings for a friends more than anything romantic.

If we're talking about discussing emotions in mature way, both sexes are guilty of poor communication. He's not unique in that regard, and it's not a hanging offence imo.

Did he know she felt so bad in the club, or was the guy supposed to read her mind? He was having an in-depth discussion with a mate, happens on loads of nights out, doesn't mean he's ignoring her or aware he's making her feel bad. Again, she felt embarrassed, that doesn't mean he intended to embarrass her, or realised he had.

It's up to the OP to decide whether he's worth it, I'm trying to point out what she experienced, and what he was aware she was experiencing are two very different things, and if she walks away without hearing him out, she only guarantees it will end badly, whereas if she hears him out, it may work out.

I, like most men, am not a mind reader, we're hearing what she felt happened, why not let him explain what his take on it was before shutting the door on the relationship.

LolaLuv · 08-07-2008 12:48PM

Fair enough that men aren't mind readers, but I think any reasonably sensitive person with respect for another would recognize that ignoring one's current gf, especially while the ex is lurking around, is a pretty hurtful thing to do. If he can't see that, it isn't because he's not a psychic, but because he's an insensitive clod.

And the OP really can only decide for herself what she should do, but she obviously has doubts or she wouldn't be searching for advice on boards.

RedXIV · 08-07-2008 12:55PM

We don't know enough here to label the guy an insensitive clod, and you have to remember, what may affect you ladies harshly, wouldn't even cross the mind of plenty of guys. I've kept the peace between all my ex's and only in one case did something like this happen, when an ex of mine came up to have a quick chat in a club, the girl i was seeing at the time got very jealous, very hands on, and was loud enough in her displeasure at my ex's presence. Now i still brought the girl i was seeing home, but at that instance, i was more sympathetic towards my ex who had done nothing wrong. And i probably came across as looking out for my ex instead of this new girl. With this info, though, am i still wrong to have ignored the other girl's attempt to disrupt the night?

While we're all only human, remember, there is a difference how men and women think. Would the OP prefer to be going out with a guy who's approach to a girl sobbing whom he had spent 3 years of his life with to scornfully turn her aside?

MJOR · 08-07-2008 01:01PM

Give him a little space... But put a time limit on how long you're prepared to wait around.

This way you will be giving him time but also putting a bit of self esteem in to the mix. As I suspect that your ego is a little bruised too.

Be understanding but firm. Hope this helps

katie08 · 08-07-2008 01:53PM

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and in my opinion I think he is not dealing with his ex girlfriend problem cause it suits him not to at the moment.... he has you on one hand (your district nightclub) and the ex g/f on the other (her district nightclubs) so why would he need to choose?

The same way he is avoiding anywhere his ex g/f might hang out, he is avoiding the problem of finishing it with her.

I would find someone who adores you & is truly there for you... and believe me they are out there, ive found one

Lifes too short for cat & mouse games...

His ex wants back now he's confused

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