Still not over Ex -Please help - this is starting to ruin me.

LegacyUser · 09-04-2008 12:07PM #1

My ex broke it off with me a year ago and I’m still not over him. I’ve gone travelling, gone out with someone else, got fit, tried counselling, read every self help book there is and still I truly believe I’ll never love anyone like him again. We went out three years and it wasn’t all roses but I always thought he was the one for me and still do. What the hell am I supposed to do? This is really affecting my work and life in general. I just can’t get him out of my head. Am I just crazy? Have been in a long term relationship before and though it took me a long time to go out with someone again I was over the initial heartache in a few months. With this one it just won’t go away. I pushed myself to get out there again but that backfired as I just wasn’t ready. Has anyone else had it this bad? I need to get over him.

LegacyUser · 09-04-2008 02:41PM

Hi there,

I understand what you're going through as I was in the same situation and did more or less what you did...just starting now to see myself through all this. It takes time...time is a good healer but you need also to look after yourself first and be your best friend again-You're not crazy , you jsut need time as it was a long relationship-I felt sometimes that I was like a drug addict...and the drug was my ex. if you didn't do it yet and you feel that you can cut all contact with your ex at least for a good while and look for things that makes you happy and feeling good...you can use it also each time you have your ex in mind. It can be very simple as a song you used to like and listen long time ago, go back to hobbies you really enjoyed and made you felt good or even try new ones- Don't try to follow the track of the past with him but find your own- It's not easy to get your attention on something else at first but take this like a new project in your life...and the project is yourself ,so i will suggest you to turn your attention into everything is good for you.Even though they seems to be small little things or not really important , step by step you will feel good about yourself and then you will be on your way to get over him without even think about it.

It took me a long time before I was able to understand that keeping my ex in mind wasn't good and that I was wasting my time and my energy I needed to heal myself-Until someone made me understand I needed to look after myself and needed to put my attention and my energy in my life again.

You're not alone

Mazeire · 09-04-2008 03:24PM

You can meet the most wonderful new guy in the world and be counselled by Sigmund Freud but if you are going in to this with "nah this is pointless" in the back of your mind. Then you are wasting your time. You need to accept its over. Done. Kaput. Boy gone. I know that you may know it, but knowing it and accepting it are two very different things.

Are you still in contact with him?

Miss Fluff · 09-04-2008 03:36PM

Come on now OP, time for a little bit of objectivity. Sentimentality is an easy trap to fall into if bored/lonely/scared. You admit yourself it "wasn't all roses", this my dear friend is what you need to focus on at the moment, you split up for a very good reason and perhaps it is time to start looking at the negative aspects of the relationship rather than viewing it with rose-tinted glasses.

As mentioned by Mazeire, do you still see your ex OP?

She Devil · 09-04-2008 03:37PM

First of all tell us, is there any absolute hope that you could get back with him? Could you still fight for him??? Do you talk to him ??

Clare Bear · 09-04-2008 03:41PM

OP, I was in a similar situation as you a few years ago...was with him for 3 and a half years, broke my heart, tried everything in the book to get over him but nothing worked, it took two long and crap years to get there. I thought I'd never meet anyone again that I could love so much but I have. Funny thing is after not seeing him in 2 years I've seen him twice in the last week and the only thing that came to mind when I saw him was "Oh well"....suppose I still felt a bit sad and maybe a part of me will always have feelings for him but I'm with someone ten times better now and I couldn't be happier. So you can love again and hopefully you will. It hurts but I always believe that everything happens for a reason and there's someone much better out there for you. One day it will just click with you and you'll be over him, until then don't focus on how much you're not over him because that's just going to eat you up. Try not to think about him and get out there and enjoy life. He's an ex for a reason and you'll see that in time, hopefully soon enough, until then try and be positive, let it take you as long as you want but try not to let it hold you back from getting on with your life. Best of luck x

estar · 09-04-2008 09:13PM

what is so great about him, or was.

tell us.

Praetorian · 09-04-2008 10:37PM

I recently broke up with my gf of 4 years so we're not in the exact same situation but my advise to you is to get back out there and meet people, I'm sure it was too early when you did it last time, but the time might be right now. Try and keep yourself busy every minute of every day. There are loads of other great blokes out there for you to find, just to be careful not to fall into the rebound type of relationship!

LegacyUser · 10-04-2008 11:13AM

He won't talk to me so no there's no hope. I've made a fool of myself contacting him loads.
It was too soon for me when I started seeing other guy but even now I don't see the point because I really don't think I'll love anyone like I did him. Know there's not much you can do for me. It's just really depressing me that I'm still feeling this way a year later. I am getting on with my life and do get quite a bit of attention from guys, have loads of great friends, brilliant family etc. I socialise, work, all the things you're meant to but him not being in my life is still like this horrible gaping hole that I keep trying to pretend isn't there but everytime I stop to think it still hits me like freight train.

dudara · 10-04-2008 11:31AM

He's made a decision about not contacting you and it appears that he is sticking to it. He is making his feelings clear. He doesn't want to talk to you.

You need to firmly accept that and stop mooning after this man. Why want someone who clearly doesn't want you?

By continuing to focus on him, you are sabotaging any future relationships that you may start.

Mighty_Mouse · 10-04-2008 11:51AM

IMO You need to properly analysis the relationship not the person.

A strong, lasting relationship doesnt happend just because 1 person thinks the other is brilliant.

Even if you think that your ex-bf was perfect, obviously the relationship wasnt.
i.e. he obviously didnt love you truly.
Would you want to spend you life with some1 who wasnt completely devoted to you. What type of relationship do you want to build in the future etc etc ?

LegacyUser · 10-04-2008 12:04PM

dudara wrote: »

He's made a decision about not contacting you and it appears that he is sticking to it. He is making his feelings clear. He doesn't want to talk to you.

You need to firmly accept that and stop mooning after this man. Why want someone who clearly doesn't want you?

By continuing to focus on him, you are sabotaging any future relationships that you may start.

I know and that's why I came on here. I am doing everything one would advise to get over someone (cf my first post) but it doesn't change how I feel and I can't see a way out of it. I'm not depressed in other areas of my life but if I'm honest I am as heartbroken now as I was when we first broke up even though I've tried to convince otherwise for ages.

Ronaldo2 · 10-04-2008 12:53PM

yearlater wrote: »

He won't talk to me so no there's no hope. I've made a fool of myself contacting him loads.

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

LegacyUser · 10-04-2008 01:09PM

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

A year has passed and I still feel the same. It's not getting better with time. I was obsessing before, looking at pictures and crazy things like looking at his internet page but I've long since stopped that. But even though I'm outwardly doing a lot better and not looking for reasons to think of him he's still the first and last thing on my mind. My life just feels so empty without him. I just don't want anyone else. I wish he would just talk to me because there's much I would like to say, to put to rest.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2008 02:57PM

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

Not sure if I cancelled last post by mistake or something...

Thanks for replies so far. Ronaldo2 I know time is healer but that's the thing, it's not healing and it's still as raw as ever even though I'm trying so so hard to move on. I am popular, not that that matters… I just mean I know I can meet someone else but I just can't go through with it because I don't see the point when I still love and am still 'in love' with my ex.

I made that mistake before with the guy I saw after my ex and we kept going back and forth and even though he knew how I felt about my ex and was patient it obviously didn't work and he got hurt. Looking back now I know it never would have and he was more a friend than lover and thankfully still is but I was so determined that I was doing ok I convinced myself I was ready for something I wasn’t and was flattered by his persistence.

My ex won't talk to me now because he knew this guy and was hurt at us being together. The whole sorry tale backfired on everyone and it's all my fault because I can't stop loving someone who stopped loving me long ago. I've given up putting on the “yeah I’m fine, so over him” front now because I'm not and I can’t pretend I am.

I’ve tried everything and don’t know what to do anymore. Even in my day to day if something happens, good, bad or indifferent my ex is the first person I want to tell, films I watch, places I see. It's so sad and pathetic but true. Am I just going to have to accept that I'm not destined for any other great love? I know this sounds dramatic and schmaltzy and ludicrous but if you felt like your heart was flat-lining every day for the past year you'd question your fate too.

I know in ways a year isn't a very long time but the pain of this has not eased at all, I’ve only chosen to ignore it at times and that's what's getting me down. In all other aspects of my life I'm doing great. I did do the stupid obsessing thing at first after the breakup and looked at his webpage etc but I copped on because it was hurting too much and haven’t since. I'm not some weird Miss Havisham holed up in her room but I just can't see what I can do to move on and I want to. I've tried all the tricks in the book and my heart just won't play game.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 10-04-2008 03:22PM

I think you said already that you seen a councellor, but maybe see one again? Or possibly a psychotherapist, if you feel like loving him has become an obsession.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2008 03:39PM

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I think you said already that you seen a councellor, but maybe see one again? Or possibly a psychotherapist, if you feel like loving him has become an obsession.

I was, as I said, obsessing at the start and took loads of sick leave etc but I'm not anymore and my life is good apart from the fact that I do still love him and I can't help it. I did see a counsellor, two different ones in fact and it helped to a point but still I miss him and whether you call it obsession, foolishness or whatever I still love him now as much as I did when we were together. I know it probably doesn't seem it from my rant here but I am actually sane and to meet me pretty upbeat and clued in. I think that's part of the reason this is causing me so much distress because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way.

LegacyUser · 11-04-2008 01:37PM

Hi OP...I know what you are going through...I was going out with my gf for almost 7 years..and broke up over a year and a half ago...at the beginning I missed her so so so much, but lately this has changed from missing her and talking to her to missing having somebody to share those moments with..are you sure you are not confusing the two..I know its hard but you have to move on with your life..Best of luck though..

LegacyUser · 11-04-2008 03:45PM

If you are religious (and Catholic) I would advise you to go to a healing mass. I didn't think I was very religious but I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years recently and also took time off work. I was still crying all the time though. However, I went to a healing mass, thinking nothing much of it and I have felt great since then. I only went because mum had been at me to go, and then a friend of mine cancelled on me last minute so I felt there was no harm in it. I still miss my ex, who was my best friend. He even wants to stay friends, but for the moment I can't. However, I feel much more upbeat since the mass, and even straight away after the mass and I feel like it really helped me.

Loki1983 · 11-04-2008 09:28PM

donotworry. wrote: »

Hi OP...I know what you are going through...I was going out with my gf for almost 7 years..and broke up over a year and a half ago...at the beginning I missed her so so so much, but lately this has changed from missing her and talking to her to missing having somebody to share those moments with..are you sure you are not confusing the two..I know its hard but you have to move on with your life..Best of luck though..

Nail on the head my friend.

Look, I got hurt very badly aswell last June. 10 months on, the whole situation still galls me. Especially seeing as I found out the ex who I was with for 4 years started going out with her housemate a few weeks after we broke up and they're still together.

BUT.....I knew my relationship was over before it was over. They end for a reason. If everything was perfect between you and your ex, he wouldn't be your ex. Something was up in the relationship and you know that.

And what my good man in the post above mine (sorry, two posts above mine)said is so true. I've found myself fantasising about my ex but I don't think it's her that I miss. It's the hole she left. The company, affection, sex...etc. That can be filled by somebody else I'm sure but we have to give ourselves a chance. You eventually get over everything, I swear to you on that (my Dad killed himself 7years ago and that in turn destroyed me for awhile but I've gotten over it).

Life's tough at the best of times and it's times like these that make or break us. And you seem to have enough about you to not leave this break you.
You seem to have everything going for you. It's only a matter of time before your heart beats itself back into shape. Character building stuff I guess.

YogiBear · 11-04-2008 09:56PM

Sorry to hear that you're still missing him a year later but if he won't talk to you then maybe it's time to stop thinking about him.. he's only one guy out of an ocean of guys.. maybe try going to a class or somewhere you'll meet new male friends etc.. get to meet some nice guys. I broke up with someone in January and I was hurt to the core because the guy I loved didn't really exist - he was a complete two-faced, cold-hearted pr*ck & naively I didn't believe my intuition.. so now four months later, I'm not hurt as much anymore, I'm disgusted with him and I couldn't give a farg about him really, he could rot in hell & I just couldn't care less. (harsh I know but he deserves nothing more).
Quite the opposite to OP case but it has had the same effect in that I've lost the love bug & can't see myself getting involved with anyone again or can't imagine myself loving anyone as much as I did "him". I suppose it does take time but I know I've decided to try to join a club and start getting out there again.. I don't expect to meet anyone but at the same time, I'm not going to mope about thinking about how he hurt me or how I can get my revenge

I think you have to see what is possible and what is not possible and carry on with your life and forget about "needing" him. If you still love him, grand, but try not to think about him as THE only one for you.. No man is THAT great, are they??

Maybe you won't love someone the same way that you loved him, maybe you'll meet someone you love just as much but in a different way? (If that makes sense). I dunno.. keep the faith anyway, you're number one girlie so don't let it get you down!!

Splendour · 11-04-2008 10:44PM

yearlater wrote: »

My ex broke it off with me a year ago and I’m still not over him. I’ve gone travelling, gone out with someone else, got fit, tried counselling, read every self help book there is and still I truly believe I’ll never love anyone like him again. We went out three years and it wasn’t all roses but I always thought he was the one for me and still do. What the hell am I supposed to do? This is really affecting my work and life in general. I just can’t get him out of my head. Am I just crazy? Have been in a long term relationship before and though it took me a long time to go out with someone again I was over the initial heartache in a few months. With this one it just won’t go away. I pushed myself to get out there again but that backfired as I just wasn’t ready. Has anyone else had it this bad? I need to get over him.

I'm with you on this- I know only too well how it feels. I'm two two years out of a relationship and think that maybe I'm beginning to heal....(albeit I still think about him every day...)
I've had people say to me 'are you not over him yet' etc.... but what bugs me is this; had I been married to this guy, people would look at it differently. They would assume that I'd still be hurting over it and though their thoughts don't change any of your feelings, the assumption that you may still be hurting can give huge amounts of support....

Highway · 11-04-2008 10:55PM

...because loads of people are in relationships where one is unhappy, and it cannot last, but still they get married, have kids, and eventually the cracks are so wide, that the whole thing collapses, and the gaping hole that's left is a damn site bigger than yours is now.

Your ex was man enough to let go when it wasn't what he wanted. He has basically freed you from a potential life of worse pain. You are now a free woman, and the world is literally yours to explore, and that's an awful lot of people to meet and get to know.

Well done for what you managed to do so far (get fit, etc, etc), so pat yourself on the back, notch it down to (considerable) experience of what a rollercoaster life can be.

Google for "things to do before you die" (yes, I know your not dying, but it certainly makes you appreciate what you can do now, not when it's too late to do it!!!)

You are blessed with the chance to find your real soulmate, you just haven't yet. He's out there looking for you now.

Meet him half way......

Highway.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2008 03:24PM

Its been about five years and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel the way my ex made me feel. I feel that my true love might have come in my life before I was ready to handle it. Once you realize that your first love is someone that will always have a special place, you learn to accept that and then try to move on with someone else and learn to love them but for different reasons. I think the probablem that I had is the one you're currently having. You feel that there is going to be a moment when you wake up and you no longer love that person--I don't feel that ever happens. The reason why you could move on from other relationships after a few months is because you just really liked those people, but you weren't in love. True love, the real stuff..kicks our asses and never truly disappears.. we just need to open our minds that eventually the feelings for our true love can be contained and that we stand a chance of being able to find true love twice.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2008 09:37AM

No Name McGee wrote: »

Its been about five years and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel the way my ex made me feel. I feel that my true love might have come in my life before I was ready to handle it. Once you realize that your first love is someone that will always have a special place, you learn to accept that and then try to move on with someone else and learn to love them but for different reasons. I think the probablem that I had is the one you're currently having. You feel that there is going to be a moment when you wake up and you no longer love that person--I don't feel that ever happens. The reason why you could move on from other relationships after a few months is because you just really liked those people, but you weren't in love. True love, the real stuff..kicks our asses and never truly disappears.. we just need to open our minds that eventually the feelings for our true love can be contained and that we stand a chance of being able to find true love twice.

This is what I've been afraid of thinking.. that he was my true love as i suspected from early on (and he did for a long time too I may add so I haven't stirred up these feelings from nowhere..)

I bumped into him recently and made a total fool of myself again as I tried to talk to him a good few times just to know if he was back in town because my friends keep seeing him and he kept walking away and just laughing. There were mutual acquantainces and former work colleagues of mine there and I've never felt so small and stupid. It was the first time I'd seen him in over six months and all the pain came bubbling right back to the surface. I was so upset that we couldn't even be civil when, had he not been there, I would've been laughing and joking with this bunch of people. Obviously I do have major feelings for him but it makes it all the harder to cope with to have such blatent bad blood on top of it. I'm starting to think I really am just some oddball even though I was never before but I can't shake this one at all and I'm feeling so low with the whole thing again.

Please tell me this will start getting better soon. I can't cope with feeling like this everytime I see him and I inevitably will.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2008 11:29AM

Having difficulty posting here...

Are anonymous posts still allowed? last one didn't come up..

Marksie · 16-04-2008 12:50PM

i have sorted that for you

LegacyUser · 16-04-2008 01:59PM

Thanks Marksie.
Really hoping someone can help me get past this. I'm sitting here in work eyes welled up with tears and the scary thing is I was probably in same place almost a year ago. Was bad enough before bumping into him because I was missing him so much but ten times worse now. Not sure I'll ever forget the feeling of him laughing at me like that in front of friends. Wish I had some pride when it came to him but I've no control over the way he makes me feel or the fact that I still love him and that's what I don't understand. I am a very smart, articulate, attractive and kind young woman and am the one most friends would ask for advice. What the hell has happened me? I feel like I've lost myself and don't know if I'll ever find who I was again.

Marksie · 16-04-2008 02:15PM

yearlater wrote: »

Really hoping someone can help me get past this. .

The simple and direct answer is the only person who can do this is you. I think earlier you mentioned you had so muhc to say. Write it down, all of it. Get it into print and out of your head. Even if you never send it to him.

At the moment i am picking up that you are your own worst enemy, not allowing yourself to move past, looking backwards, scanning around for signs of him.

you simply have to let him go.
Why after a year do you not have control over the way you feel? what is he actively doing?

Its important to realise that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness...no one else.

true love is something that exists in arabic poems, mills and boon and films about large green creatures. you are holding onto the feelings jealously: actually turning what you had into something very unhealthy. Let them go.

yearlater wrote: »

I feel like I've lost myself and don't know if I'll ever find who I was again.

Have you actually tried asking yourself and looking at yourself, trying to find the bit of you thats smothered in this ?

LegacyUser · 16-04-2008 02:34PM

Marksie wrote: »

The simple and direct answer is the only person who can do this is you. I think earlier you mentioned you had so muhc to say. Write it down, all of it. Get it into print and out of your head. Even if you never send it to him.

At the moment i am picking up that you are your own worst enemy, not allowing yourself to move past, looking backwards, scanning around for signs of him.

you simply have to let him go.
Why after a year do you not have control over the way you feel? what is he actively doing?

Its important to realise that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness...no one else.

true love is something that exists in arabic poems, mills and boon and films about large green creatures. you are holding onto the feelings jealously: actually turning what you had into something very unhealthy. Let them go.

Have you actually tried asking yourself and looking at yourself, trying to find the bit of you thats smothered in this ?

I know it's only me who can but I'm looking for advice or support I guess from others who have been in this situation if they're there and how they managed it. Sorry I'm just really close to breaking point with this and feel terrible.

I am holding onto feelings but don't quite get how you peg that as jealousy. It's not and any feelings like that i had were months ago when i found out he was seeing someone a few weeks after we broke up. I don't know what his status is now on that front but it really wouldn't make a difference to how i feel about him. I think I'd find it easier if I could get things out and talk to him and I've tried to as well but really it's too hard to get it across in text or letter.

Think I'm a lost cause. I do however believe in true love marksie and that's why I'm so distraught because I think I had it and lost it.

Marksie · 16-04-2008 03:15PM

re read please, jealously as in holding on, not letting go.

What makes you think that we havent been through this? what advice do you need?

Writing the feelings down IS one way of expressing them, you dont have to send em.

explriong your own motivations is another.

Going to counselling is a third

starting taking chances agaun is a fourth

Still not over Ex -Please help - this is starting to ruin me.

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