Still not over Ex -Please help - this is starting to ruin me.

LegacyUser

My ex broke it off with me a year ago and I’m still not over him. I’ve gone travelling, gone out with someone else, got fit, tried counselling, read every self help book there is and still I truly believe I’ll never love anyone like him again. We went out three years and it wasn’t all roses but I always thought he was the one for me and still do. What the hell am I supposed to do? This is really affecting my work and life in general. I just can’t get him out of my head. Am I just crazy? Have been in a long term relationship before and though it took me a long time to go out with someone again I was over the initial heartache in a few months. With this one it just won’t go away. I pushed myself to get out there again but that backfired as I just wasn’t ready. Has anyone else had it this bad? I need to get over him.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I understand what you're going through as I was in the same situation and did more or less what you did...just starting now to see myself through all this. It takes time...time is a good healer but you need also to look after yourself first and be your best friend again-You're not crazy , you jsut need time as it was a long relationship-I felt sometimes that I was like a drug addict...and the drug was my ex. if you didn't do it yet and you feel that you can cut all contact with your ex at least for a good while and look for things that makes you happy and feeling good...you can use it also each time you have your ex in mind. It can be very simple as a song you used to like and listen long time ago, go back to hobbies you really enjoyed and made you felt good or even try new ones- Don't try to follow the track of the past with him but find your own- It's not easy to get your attention on something else at first but take this like a new project in your life...and the project is yourself ,so i will suggest you to turn your attention into everything is good for you.Even though they seems to be small little things or not really important , step by step you will feel good about yourself and then you will be on your way to get over him without even think about it.

It took me a long time before I was able to understand that keeping my ex in mind wasn't good and that I was wasting my time and my energy I needed to heal myself-Until someone made me understand I needed to look after myself and needed to put my attention and my energy in my life again.

You're not alone

Mazeire

You can meet the most wonderful new guy in the world and be counselled by Sigmund Freud but if you are going in to this with "nah this is pointless" in the back of your mind. Then you are wasting your time. You need to accept its over. Done. Kaput. Boy gone. I know that you may know it, but knowing it and accepting it are two very different things.

Are you still in contact with him?

Miss Fluff

Come on now OP, time for a little bit of objectivity. Sentimentality is an easy trap to fall into if bored/lonely/scared. You admit yourself it "wasn't all roses", this my dear friend is what you need to focus on at the moment, you split up for a very good reason and perhaps it is time to start looking at the negative aspects of the relationship rather than viewing it with rose-tinted glasses.

As mentioned by Mazeire, do you still see your ex OP?

She Devil

First of all tell us, is there any absolute hope that you could get back with him? Could you still fight for him??? Do you talk to him ??

Clare Bear

OP, I was in a similar situation as you a few years ago...was with him for 3 and a half years, broke my heart, tried everything in the book to get over him but nothing worked, it took two long and crap years to get there. I thought I'd never meet anyone again that I could love so much but I have. Funny thing is after not seeing him in 2 years I've seen him twice in the last week and the only thing that came to mind when I saw him was "Oh well"....suppose I still felt a bit sad and maybe a part of me will always have feelings for him but I'm with someone ten times better now and I couldn't be happier. So you can love again and hopefully you will. It hurts but I always believe that everything happens for a reason and there's someone much better out there for you. One day it will just click with you and you'll be over him, until then don't focus on how much you're not over him because that's just going to eat you up. Try not to think about him and get out there and enjoy life. He's an ex for a reason and you'll see that in time, hopefully soon enough, until then try and be positive, let it take you as long as you want but try not to let it hold you back from getting on with your life. Best of luck x

estar

what is so great about him, or was.

tell us.

Praetorian

I recently broke up with my gf of 4 years so we're not in the exact same situation but my advise to you is to get back out there and meet people, I'm sure it was too early when you did it last time, but the time might be right now. Try and keep yourself busy every minute of every day. There are loads of other great blokes out there for you to find, just to be careful not to fall into the rebound type of relationship!

LegacyUser

He won't talk to me so no there's no hope. I've made a fool of myself contacting him loads.
It was too soon for me when I started seeing other guy but even now I don't see the point because I really don't think I'll love anyone like I did him. Know there's not much you can do for me. It's just really depressing me that I'm still feeling this way a year later. I am getting on with my life and do get quite a bit of attention from guys, have loads of great friends, brilliant family etc. I socialise, work, all the things you're meant to but him not being in my life is still like this horrible gaping hole that I keep trying to pretend isn't there but everytime I stop to think it still hits me like freight train.

dudara

He's made a decision about not contacting you and it appears that he is sticking to it. He is making his feelings clear. He doesn't want to talk to you.

You need to firmly accept that and stop mooning after this man. Why want someone who clearly doesn't want you?

By continuing to focus on him, you are sabotaging any future relationships that you may start.

Mighty_Mouse

IMO You need to properly analysis the relationship not the person.

A strong, lasting relationship doesnt happend just because 1 person thinks the other is brilliant.

Even if you think that your ex-bf was perfect, obviously the relationship wasnt.
i.e. he obviously didnt love you truly.
Would you want to spend you life with some1 who wasnt completely devoted to you. What type of relationship do you want to build in the future etc etc ?

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

He's made a decision about not contacting you and it appears that he is sticking to it. He is making his feelings clear. He doesn't want to talk to you.

You need to firmly accept that and stop mooning after this man. Why want someone who clearly doesn't want you?

By continuing to focus on him, you are sabotaging any future relationships that you may start.

I know and that's why I came on here. I am doing everything one would advise to get over someone (cf my first post) but it doesn't change how I feel and I can't see a way out of it. I'm not depressed in other areas of my life but if I'm honest I am as heartbroken now as I was when we first broke up even though I've tried to convince otherwise for ages.

Ronaldo2

yearlater wrote: »

He won't talk to me so no there's no hope. I've made a fool of myself contacting him loads.

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

A year has passed and I still feel the same. It's not getting better with time. I was obsessing before, looking at pictures and crazy things like looking at his internet page but I've long since stopped that. But even though I'm outwardly doing a lot better and not looking for reasons to think of him he's still the first and last thing on my mind. My life just feels so empty without him. I just don't want anyone else. I wish he would just talk to me because there's much I would like to say, to put to rest.

LegacyUser

Ronaldo2 wrote: »

Ya like everyone else says the best thing to do is to put him out of your head. Heartbreak can turn to obsession. The fact you have been contacting him a lot and he wont get back to you says a lot.
I know its a cliche, but things will get better with time.
And you will meet someone else prob when you least expect it. However chances of that happening will be much slimmer if you are still obsessing about an ex.
Best of luck

Not sure if I cancelled last post by mistake or something...

Thanks for replies so far. Ronaldo2 I know time is healer but that's the thing, it's not healing and it's still as raw as ever even though I'm trying so so hard to move on. I am popular, not that that matters… I just mean I know I can meet someone else but I just can't go through with it because I don't see the point when I still love and am still 'in love' with my ex.

I made that mistake before with the guy I saw after my ex and we kept going back and forth and even though he knew how I felt about my ex and was patient it obviously didn't work and he got hurt. Looking back now I know it never would have and he was more a friend than lover and thankfully still is but I was so determined that I was doing ok I convinced myself I was ready for something I wasn’t and was flattered by his persistence.

My ex won't talk to me now because he knew this guy and was hurt at us being together. The whole sorry tale backfired on everyone and it's all my fault because I can't stop loving someone who stopped loving me long ago. I've given up putting on the “yeah I’m fine, so over him” front now because I'm not and I can’t pretend I am.

I’ve tried everything and don’t know what to do anymore. Even in my day to day if something happens, good, bad or indifferent my ex is the first person I want to tell, films I watch, places I see. It's so sad and pathetic but true. Am I just going to have to accept that I'm not destined for any other great love? I know this sounds dramatic and schmaltzy and ludicrous but if you felt like your heart was flat-lining every day for the past year you'd question your fate too.

I know in ways a year isn't a very long time but the pain of this has not eased at all, I’ve only chosen to ignore it at times and that's what's getting me down. In all other aspects of my life I'm doing great. I did do the stupid obsessing thing at first after the breakup and looked at his webpage etc but I copped on because it was hurting too much and haven’t since. I'm not some weird Miss Havisham holed up in her room but I just can't see what I can do to move on and I want to. I've tried all the tricks in the book and my heart just won't play game.

Jimmy Bottlehead

I think you said already that you seen a councellor, but maybe see one again? Or possibly a psychotherapist, if you feel like loving him has become an obsession.

LegacyUser

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I think you said already that you seen a councellor, but maybe see one again? Or possibly a psychotherapist, if you feel like loving him has become an obsession.

I was, as I said, obsessing at the start and took loads of sick leave etc but I'm not anymore and my life is good apart from the fact that I do still love him and I can't help it. I did see a counsellor, two different ones in fact and it helped to a point but still I miss him and whether you call it obsession, foolishness or whatever I still love him now as much as I did when we were together. I know it probably doesn't seem it from my rant here but I am actually sane and to meet me pretty upbeat and clued in. I think that's part of the reason this is causing me so much distress because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way.

LegacyUser

Hi OP...I know what you are going through...I was going out with my gf for almost 7 years..and broke up over a year and a half ago...at the beginning I missed her so so so much, but lately this has changed from missing her and talking to her to missing having somebody to share those moments with..are you sure you are not confusing the two..I know its hard but you have to move on with your life..Best of luck though..

LegacyUser

If you are religious (and Catholic) I would advise you to go to a healing mass. I didn't think I was very religious but I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years recently and also took time off work. I was still crying all the time though. However, I went to a healing mass, thinking nothing much of it and I have felt great since then. I only went because mum had been at me to go, and then a friend of mine cancelled on me last minute so I felt there was no harm in it. I still miss my ex, who was my best friend. He even wants to stay friends, but for the moment I can't. However, I feel much more upbeat since the mass, and even straight away after the mass and I feel like it really helped me.

Loki1983

donotworry. wrote: »

Hi OP...I know what you are going through...I was going out with my gf for almost 7 years..and broke up over a year and a half ago...at the beginning I missed her so so so much, but lately this has changed from missing her and talking to her to missing having somebody to share those moments with..are you sure you are not confusing the two..I know its hard but you have to move on with your life..Best of luck though..

Nail on the head my friend.

Look, I got hurt very badly aswell last June. 10 months on, the whole situation still galls me. Especially seeing as I found out the ex who I was with for 4 years started going out with her housemate a few weeks after we broke up and they're still together.

BUT.....I knew my relationship was over before it was over. They end for a reason. If everything was perfect between you and your ex, he wouldn't be your ex. Something was up in the relationship and you know that.

And what my good man in the post above mine (sorry, two posts above mine)said is so true. I've found myself fantasising about my ex but I don't think it's her that I miss. It's the hole she left. The company, affection, sex...etc. That can be filled by somebody else I'm sure but we have to give ourselves a chance. You eventually get over everything, I swear to you on that (my Dad killed himself 7years ago and that in turn destroyed me for awhile but I've gotten over it).

Life's tough at the best of times and it's times like these that make or break us. And you seem to have enough about you to not leave this break you.
You seem to have everything going for you. It's only a matter of time before your heart beats itself back into shape. Character building stuff I guess.

YogiBear

Sorry to hear that you're still missing him a year later but if he won't talk to you then maybe it's time to stop thinking about him.. he's only one guy out of an ocean of guys.. maybe try going to a class or somewhere you'll meet new male friends etc.. get to meet some nice guys. I broke up with someone in January and I was hurt to the core because the guy I loved didn't really exist - he was a complete two-faced, cold-hearted pr*ck & naively I didn't believe my intuition.. so now four months later, I'm not hurt as much anymore, I'm disgusted with him and I couldn't give a farg about him really, he could rot in hell & I just couldn't care less. (harsh I know but he deserves nothing more).
Quite the opposite to OP case but it has had the same effect in that I've lost the love bug & can't see myself getting involved with anyone again or can't imagine myself loving anyone as much as I did "him". I suppose it does take time but I know I've decided to try to join a club and start getting out there again.. I don't expect to meet anyone but at the same time, I'm not going to mope about thinking about how he hurt me or how I can get my revenge I think you have to see what is possible and what is not possible and carry on with your life and forget about "needing" him. If you still love him, grand, but try not to think about him as THE only one for you.. No man is THAT great, are they?? Maybe you won't love someone the same way that you loved him, maybe you'll meet someone you love just as much but in a different way? (If that makes sense). I dunno.. keep the faith anyway, you're number one girlie so don't let it get you down!!

Splendour

yearlater wrote: »

My ex broke it off with me a year ago and I’m still not over him. I’ve gone travelling, gone out with someone else, got fit, tried counselling, read every self help book there is and still I truly believe I’ll never love anyone like him again. We went out three years and it wasn’t all roses but I always thought he was the one for me and still do. What the hell am I supposed to do? This is really affecting my work and life in general. I just can’t get him out of my head. Am I just crazy? Have been in a long term relationship before and though it took me a long time to go out with someone again I was over the initial heartache in a few months. With this one it just won’t go away. I pushed myself to get out there again but that backfired as I just wasn’t ready. Has anyone else had it this bad? I need to get over him.

I'm with you on this- I know only too well how it feels. I'm two two years out of a relationship and think that maybe I'm beginning to heal....(albeit I still think about him every day...)
I've had people say to me 'are you not over him yet' etc.... but what bugs me is this; had I been married to this guy, people would look at it differently. They would assume that I'd still be hurting over it and though their thoughts don't change any of your feelings, the assumption that you may still be hurting can give huge amounts of support....

Highway

...because loads of people are in relationships where one is unhappy, and it cannot last, but still they get married, have kids, and eventually the cracks are so wide, that the whole thing collapses, and the gaping hole that's left is a damn site bigger than yours is now.

Your ex was man enough to let go when it wasn't what he wanted. He has basically freed you from a potential life of worse pain. You are now a free woman, and the world is literally yours to explore, and that's an awful lot of people to meet and get to know.

Well done for what you managed to do so far (get fit, etc, etc), so pat yourself on the back, notch it down to (considerable) experience of what a rollercoaster life can be.

Google for "things to do before you die" (yes, I know your not dying, but it certainly makes you appreciate what you can do now, not when it's too late to do it!!!)

You are blessed with the chance to find your real soulmate, you just haven't yet. He's out there looking for you now.

Meet him half way......

Highway.

LegacyUser

Its been about five years and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel the way my ex made me feel. I feel that my true love might have come in my life before I was ready to handle it. Once you realize that your first love is someone that will always have a special place, you learn to accept that and then try to move on with someone else and learn to love them but for different reasons. I think the probablem that I had is the one you're currently having. You feel that there is going to be a moment when you wake up and you no longer love that person--I don't feel that ever happens. The reason why you could move on from other relationships after a few months is because you just really liked those people, but you weren't in love. True love, the real stuff..kicks our asses and never truly disappears.. we just need to open our minds that eventually the feelings for our true love can be contained and that we stand a chance of being able to find true love twice.

LegacyUser

No Name McGee wrote: »

Its been about five years and I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel the way my ex made me feel. I feel that my true love might have come in my life before I was ready to handle it. Once you realize that your first love is someone that will always have a special place, you learn to accept that and then try to move on with someone else and learn to love them but for different reasons. I think the probablem that I had is the one you're currently having. You feel that there is going to be a moment when you wake up and you no longer love that person--I don't feel that ever happens. The reason why you could move on from other relationships after a few months is because you just really liked those people, but you weren't in love. True love, the real stuff..kicks our asses and never truly disappears.. we just need to open our minds that eventually the feelings for our true love can be contained and that we stand a chance of being able to find true love twice.

This is what I've been afraid of thinking.. that he was my true love as i suspected from early on (and he did for a long time too I may add so I haven't stirred up these feelings from nowhere..)

I bumped into him recently and made a total fool of myself again as I tried to talk to him a good few times just to know if he was back in town because my friends keep seeing him and he kept walking away and just laughing. There were mutual acquantainces and former work colleagues of mine there and I've never felt so small and stupid. It was the first time I'd seen him in over six months and all the pain came bubbling right back to the surface. I was so upset that we couldn't even be civil when, had he not been there, I would've been laughing and joking with this bunch of people. Obviously I do have major feelings for him but it makes it all the harder to cope with to have such blatent bad blood on top of it. I'm starting to think I really am just some oddball even though I was never before but I can't shake this one at all and I'm feeling so low with the whole thing again.

Please tell me this will start getting better soon. I can't cope with feeling like this everytime I see him and I inevitably will.

LegacyUser

Having difficulty posting here...

Are anonymous posts still allowed? last one didn't come up..

Marksie

i have sorted that for you

LegacyUser

Thanks Marksie.
Really hoping someone can help me get past this. I'm sitting here in work eyes welled up with tears and the scary thing is I was probably in same place almost a year ago. Was bad enough before bumping into him because I was missing him so much but ten times worse now. Not sure I'll ever forget the feeling of him laughing at me like that in front of friends. Wish I had some pride when it came to him but I've no control over the way he makes me feel or the fact that I still love him and that's what I don't understand. I am a very smart, articulate, attractive and kind young woman and am the one most friends would ask for advice. What the hell has happened me? I feel like I've lost myself and don't know if I'll ever find who I was again.

Marksie

yearlater wrote: »

Really hoping someone can help me get past this. .

The simple and direct answer is the only person who can do this is you. I think earlier you mentioned you had so muhc to say. Write it down, all of it. Get it into print and out of your head. Even if you never send it to him.

At the moment i am picking up that you are your own worst enemy, not allowing yourself to move past, looking backwards, scanning around for signs of him.

you simply have to let him go.
Why after a year do you not have control over the way you feel? what is he actively doing?

Its important to realise that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness...no one else.

true love is something that exists in arabic poems, mills and boon and films about large green creatures. you are holding onto the feelings jealously: actually turning what you had into something very unhealthy. Let them go.

yearlater wrote: »

I feel like I've lost myself and don't know if I'll ever find who I was again.

Have you actually tried asking yourself and looking at yourself, trying to find the bit of you thats smothered in this ?

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

The simple and direct answer is the only person who can do this is you. I think earlier you mentioned you had so muhc to say. Write it down, all of it. Get it into print and out of your head. Even if you never send it to him.

At the moment i am picking up that you are your own worst enemy, not allowing yourself to move past, looking backwards, scanning around for signs of him.

you simply have to let him go.
Why after a year do you not have control over the way you feel? what is he actively doing?

Its important to realise that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness...no one else.

true love is something that exists in arabic poems, mills and boon and films about large green creatures. you are holding onto the feelings jealously: actually turning what you had into something very unhealthy. Let them go.







Have you actually tried asking yourself and looking at yourself, trying to find the bit of you thats smothered in this ?

I know it's only me who can but I'm looking for advice or support I guess from others who have been in this situation if they're there and how they managed it. Sorry I'm just really close to breaking point with this and feel terrible.

I am holding onto feelings but don't quite get how you peg that as jealousy. It's not and any feelings like that i had were months ago when i found out he was seeing someone a few weeks after we broke up. I don't know what his status is now on that front but it really wouldn't make a difference to how i feel about him. I think I'd find it easier if I could get things out and talk to him and I've tried to as well but really it's too hard to get it across in text or letter.

Think I'm a lost cause. I do however believe in true love marksie and that's why I'm so distraught because I think I had it and lost it.

Marksie

re read please, jealously as in holding on, not letting go.

What makes you think that we havent been through this? what advice do you need?

Writing the feelings down IS one way of expressing them, you dont have to send em.

explriong your own motivations is another.

Going to counselling is a third

starting taking chances agaun is a fourth

Mazeire

Hi again. You are living in the past. You are still going with the illusion of the nie guy that you dated, when the reality that is right in front of you is a w*nker that laughs in your face when ever you go near him. People change . unfortunately sometimes its for the worse.
You need to accept this and cut all contact wwith him. Fast. Why you would want someone who treats you like that in your life to start with I dont know....

---

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

re read please, jealously as in holding on, not letting go.

What makes you think that we havent been through this? what advice do you need?

Writing the feelings down IS one way of expressing them, you dont have to send em.

explriong your own motivations is another.

Going to counselling is a third

starting taking chances agaun is a fourth

All true Marksie, though not quite clear on your jealousy point but in any event all your other advice rings true. Problem is I've been trying and I do mean trying so hard to let go of it all. I've tried counselling, self reflection, trying to meet new people, new experiences, a new me but the bad blood and his open hatred of me makes it really hard for me to resolve this in my head and it has an awful hold on me.

I thank you though for taking time out to offer some help.

Gemini Sister

I know this thread maybe running outta steam already but I gotta jump in on this one...

OP. I have been that soldier.

Had an absolutely gruesome obsession going with an ex for a long long time. Humiliated myself many times over, publicly and privately. Stalkerville. I shudder to think... trying to fix it or being angry was easier than facing the sadness and loss. And there were no shortcuts out of it.

OP, it was a gradual process til one day I didn't give a toss anymore. That didn't really happen until maybe a year and a half later. The process was 80% completed by year 2. Never underestimate a broken heart. You're not a weirdo and this won't last forever. Just look forward to how free you'll feel eventually. That day will come.

And don't mind posters who know alot about sex but little about passion

Gemini Sister

And another thing... your ex has not behaved too chivalrously either. don't blame yourself someone else's failings.


Just stay well away.

Aine M

yearlater wrote: »

This is what I've been afraid of thinking.. that he was my true love as i suspected from early on (and he did for a long time too I may add so I haven't stirred up these feelings from nowhere..)

I bumped into him recently and made a total fool of myself again as I tried to talk to him a good few times just to know if he was back in town because my friends keep seeing him and he kept walking away and just laughing. There were mutual acquantainces and former work colleagues of mine there and I've never felt so small and stupid. It was the first time I'd seen him in over six months and all the pain came bubbling right back to the surface. I was so upset that we couldn't even be civil when, had he not been there, I would've been laughing and joking with this bunch of people. Obviously I do have major feelings for him but it makes it all the harder to cope with to have such blatent bad blood on top of it. I'm starting to think I really am just some oddball even though I was never before but I can't shake this one at all and I'm feeling so low with the whole thing again.

Please tell me this will start getting better soon. I can't cope with feeling like this everytime I see him and I inevitably will.

Hey there, I know exactly what you are going thru, its complete an utter hell.i was going out with my ex for six years, he was my first love, i really made my life around him. I got completely walked on for the majority of those six years, everything from mental abuse, to him cheating on me for over three months of the relationship.Its only off with us since october and even though he did all that crap I still get the feeling of love when i see him so I have avoided all those mutual places and being from a small town that is not easy. have done all the stupid things you have done, made a complete fool of myself but at the end of the day I know that there is and never was a future to what we had. It was far from fun now and its really only now I am starting to live(I was going out with him from 19 to 25 very important social years and would def advise young people in their late teens not to do the same).We had a sucessful business set up, one i worked hard at and now I have to start my life again, something I am glad of the chance to have to be honest.I started seeing people almost immediately, looking back now it was the wrong thing to do and I did end up hurting those guys as I really was only filling a void in my life.I realised there about a month ago that there wasnt a hope in hell that I was over him(bumped into him twice in one week and was so shocked to see him, i ignored him, honestly felt like my heart was going to come out thru my chest). So i have decided to avoid his social circles, avoided where i knew he'd be.I have embarked on a new career, something i put off doing while we were together( i made all the sacrifices!!), I have a great family but lost most of my social circle, but that can all be rebuilt and that is what you have to do. I have stopped meeting new guys, will go out and have the laugh, but thats as far as I am ready for at the moment, when the time is right and by all accounts when you are least expecting it, you will be happy again.I am looking forward to the day I can bump into my ex and salute him and have no feelings at all for him(maybe an impossibility but here's hoping). This is my target day.This is far from saying that I am over him, its a long painful process but have a little hope and dont be so down about him, go out there and smile. your heart can break at home! let him see its not bothering you, if you can,avoid him if at all possible until you are ready to just say hi and keep going. If you can at all try not to talk to your friends about him, they should know better. the less you know about his life, the easier it will be. because of a mutual friend i found out lately that my ex bought a house, and is currently getting help from his new girlfriend (that he started seeing two weeks after the break up)to decorate it, hurts like hell as that was another reason we broke up, i wanted us to buy a house, he didnt.when i found out it was like he was twisting the knife even more.very touchy subject!
Ok here sums it up, I have two questions for you,why did the relationship end, and do you see yourself with this man in the future? the most blunt thing that was said to me lately, was when i told a close friend that I emailed my ex, not in the hope of getting back together, but in the hope of me sorting some issues out in my head, he just said, well "he obviously doesn't want anything to do with you". That hurt, but the truth always does. By the sounds of it your ex is acting very much like mine,he is not ready to sort things out. Leave him be and if its meant to be he will be back. I dont know what your relationship was like, but when i even start to consider my ex or getting back with him, i immediately think of all the bad points and trust me there were a lot.
Set yourself a new goal,assign yourself a date at which you will honestly stop thinking about him. get everything that reminds you of him out of your life, dvd's, music, old photos etc.Reading back on this i wish i could take my own advice!There is prob nothing new that you havent heard already, but just clear your head.Its not easy, maybe spend some time on your own, stay in, or invite the girls over and let it be a man free nite.no bitching etc.You know whats right to do.Maybe you are trying too hard to get over him, by keeping yourself busy, it doesnt help when youre not busy then, you have too much free time and all those feelings come rushing back, almost putting you back to square one again.

It sounds like you dont want to get over him, you should. He seems to be acting the jerk and in 99% of these situations most men do.They know by our stupid actions(when drunk or sober) that they could have us back anytime and men love that power.Dont put your life on hold for him,or let him think he has that power over you. life is for living girl, go out, dont be worried about meeting someone that you will fall head over heels in love with like the love you had with your ex.I dont think you will ever find the same again, i'm not expecting to anyway.there is always going to be odd little nicknames or funny sayings that you will ever only experience with your ex.You will have different things with a new guy but just let it happen.try not to force it,as I said all relationships are different so maybe you should just relax a bit about it. If I was you the first thing I would do is not post anymore on this thread, its only making you think of it more, try not to bring him up in conversation with your friends or even mutual friends.very easily said, believe me I know. When you are very upset about it, then and only then talk about it, as most of the time these feelings come and go.There was a stage there last week where I spent two hours crying so hard, i was de hydrated after it!!but then as i said these days seem to come and go.
This prob wont help, but its what I am doing to try get myself sorted.This was a little bit of a rant for me to as you may have guessed from the length of this reply! i am only getting around to the thinking now that I deserve to be happy and so do you. You should give yourself the chance.

I really dont envy anyone in our situation, but they say that time is a great healer. It may take me a while, but I will get there as you will too.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your honest responses.

I just feel like such a fool for feeling like this but as I said I do still, whether that's sane or not, love him. I've been sitting at home crying nearly every evening since I bumped into him. I just can't get past this without talking it out with him but clearly he thinks I'm just muck because I went out with a friend of ours and have tried to contact him like a complete fool on numerous numerous occasions since he found out (the ex that is, not the friend, who I'm still good friends with anyway)to tell him how I feel and clear a few things up . Is this so bad?

He wasn't living here at the time, didn't stay in contact with me much even as a friend and was seeing someone himself already. Part of me didn't think he'd care but I suppose I was afraid to tell him too for fear he would because he has been the jealous type before.

I wish I was the type to just hold my head high and say think what you want but his guy is majorly important to me and I know he's thinking all sorts of me when the truth is much different.

LegacyUser

I can't stand feeling like this. I'm crying at work again and all I can think about is him and trying to explain things. I give up. This is not who I was meant to be but I can't snap out of it no matter what I do. I'm not willing to take medication because I suffered a mild bout of depression before and felt so zombified on tablets I couldn't do that to myself again and actually felt much better off them. Think at the time my gp was a bit presciption happy. I had written him a letter some weeks ago but since bumping into him and making a fool of myself i don't think I can send it. The thoughts of feeling like this much longer is really making me despair. It's seeping into the rest of my life again now and I can't take it.
Sorry to offload here but I can't really talk to my friends about this anymore because they don't understand how I'm still feeling as I am. I literally feel like I'm in purgatory because I can't move either way without first resolving some things with him. At the end of our relationship he was feeling extremely low himself but picked himself up so quickly and started seeing someone else. I'm glad he did because I want him to be happy. I just wish I could too.
What can I do so he might talk to me and hopefully then I can actually put this mess behind me? I'm so scared of just bumping into him again with all these things I need to say still bubbling inside and the chances are high.

Bligh

Hi OP and everyone else that has posted on this thread. I am at a very similar place in my life as you are right now. We were together for 16 years married for 7 of them and then last July she walked out for someone else.

What is left of my life is not much, there is an emptiness; a void in me that seems will never be filled. I miss her everyday, and I don’t think I will ever stop loving or missing her. I am not angry with her (I feel I should and want to hate her but I can’t) I just want to her to be happy wherever she is. People say that time heals and perhaps they are right (time will tell J ). But there is no quick fix for a broken heart or missing someone you love. It seems to me like a chronic illness it will never be cured but will fade into the background as life brings new challenges, interests and relationships.

I feel so much for you and wish I could provide you with the name of some magical cure that would make both ours lives much better, go out and hug someone that always helps. However just know that you are not alone, take comfort that life will improve. I also wanted to talk with my ex about everything and why? I wrote email after email pouring my heart out, I offered to go to counselling I just wanted to know were we went wrong but she has a strict no contact policy and is not talking and I am blanked. I can understand why if she is trying to begin a new life she wont want any feelings for me surfacing (perhaps there is none there to surface – I don’t know)
As one poster on here says write your feelings down and that has helped me if I’m feeling that I want to talk to her I write an email but just don’t sent them and am finding that I am doing it less and less as I am finding that I can get through this life without her, its difficult but am getting there. Just don’t bottle it up talk, post here, cry, work out in the gym, hike into the middle of the county and shout your lungs out and keep going your doing great although you might not think it. Don’t think about meeting him just focus on your own life a new life without him. Take Care

Aine M

yearlater wrote: »

Thanks guys for your honest responses.

I just feel like such a fool for feeling like this but as I said I do still, whether that's sane or not, love him. I've been sitting at home crying nearly every evening since I bumped into him. I just can't get past this without talking it out with him but clearly he thinks I'm just muck because I went out with a friend of ours and have tried to contact him like a complete fool on numerous numerous occasions since he found out (the ex that is, not the friend, who I'm still good friends with anyway)to tell him how I feel and clear a few things up . Is this so bad?

He wasn't living here at the time, didn't stay in contact with me much even as a friend and was seeing someone himself already. Part of me didn't think he'd care but I suppose I was afraid to tell him too for fear he would because he has been the jealous type before.

I wish I was the type to just hold my head high and say think what you want but his guy is majorly important to me and I know he's thinking all sorts of me when the truth is much different.

Hey there, just read the responses and even though i posted a fairly indepth all advice giving post, I am seriously fooling myself that I am anywhere near over him.Yearlater, the things you have described as doing I have done,two weeks ago i saw my ex and his gf going in purchasing appliances for his new house, and have basically cried myself to sleep every nite since. I still love him, even though I should and prob would find it easier if i hated him.
My ex has such a bad impression of me, and like you i feel that there were things that happened in our relationship that I feel i need to talk to him about in order to move on,so i sent him the email, thought he would be even civil enough to reply but nothing.I just wanted to meet him for a chat and i suppose if i did I would have told him that I still loved him. I wanted to tell him that I still want him back but he is prob happy with her and even though its eating me, i wish him the best and hope that he is happy.
I havent been able to move on, met loads of guys but treated them very badly, nothing compared to my ex.Yearlater, do you think if you met someone now, who pushed all the right buttons,and made you feel on top of the world that you would be able to forget your ex???

440Hz

OP, my heart goes out to you, it really does - I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. I only just saw this thread and have been trying to read all the responses, but gave up about 3/4 down the page, so forgive me if I repeat things that have been said already, but I'll just tell you how it was for me.

It's nearly 6 years since I split up from the person I thought was the only man I would ever love, and I really did believe that. Things had always been on very good terms, and I was in total shock when it ended (no real need to get into the whys). Anyway, like you, I spent a good while making an idiot out of myself trying to convince him that things should be different and we should stay together, needless to say this didn't work. My life was a mess, I was miserable and I couldn't see the point in having fun or enjoyin myself anymore. I kept going, just like you did, and I tried to turn things in my life around in an attempt to enjoy them more, but nothing worked. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't happy - that sounds a little odd I'm sure, but think about it, you'll probably know what I mean. I knew there was a level of happiness out there that I had lost, and I convinced myself that I would never find it again, mostly because I only wanted that happiness with him.

I can honestly tell you that a year after we broke up, I was still the same. Just like you. By this point my friends had stopped caring about the moments of tears, the feeling so incredibly lonely etc etc, they were sick of hearing it, and sick of hearing his name, it was a banned topic, but I felt just as bad as I had done when it first happened.

We were "trying to be friends". I knew it wouldn't work, because I wanted so much more, but I didn't want him gone from my life completely, so I held on to the little contact that I had. It was the wrong thing to do though. And it wasn't until something else happened in my life that I realised I would never move on if I didn't cut the contact. So I did. It was so incredibly difficult, but I told him I didn't want to be in touch anymore. It was the best decision I made. I know its different for you as you are not in contact with your ex, but I have a feeling that in your heart you havent realised that yet. When something happens in your life, Im guessing he is the first person that comes into your head to tell, little things like that? It's things like that which keep you hanging on in your heart and head.

There is no one sentence answer on "how to get over him". Time helps, yes. But don't feel bad that it's been a year and you dont feel any better - that is ok. It might take another year, or maybe another year on top of that. I can't honestly tell you how long it took for me, because I dont know when I got over it - I just thought about him one day and it didnt hurt any more, and I cant pin point when that was, but it took a long time.

I didn't want to start seeing anyone after my ex, and for a long time I didn't even open my mind to the idea of it. I haven't met Mr Wonderful yet, but I do know that I can be as happy as I was back then again, I just haven't found it yet. It took me a long time to believe that, but I got there, and you will too.

Don't focus on whats gone before. Don't analyse every moment of the relationship good and bad. You say it wasnt always rosy - it might be tempting to think about these times in an effort to convince yourself that he wasnt right for you etc - my advice, dont do that. The more you think about him, the relationship etc the longer it will take. You need to think about YOU. I started off by filling my life with new a challenge where I met loads of new people, who had never heard of my ex, never knew me when I was with him etc. Bit by bit, day by day, I thought about him less - I had other things to think about. Somewhere along the line, there was a day when I just didnt think about him at all.

I know you are probably thinking, oh its so easy to just say dont think about him but its not easy to do that. You are right. People told me all those things and I didnt listen/believe them. BUT, when I was ready, and without realising it myself, I did start to think about other things, and thought less about him. It happens when YOU are ready, not when someone else tells you its what you should be doing.

You will get over him, I promise you. Dont beat yourself up over the length of time it is taking - its not important how long it takes you, whats important is that you get there in your own time. Best of luck. You will be fine, in time!

LegacyUser

Having read the majority of your posts and others who have been in the same situation the reoccurring theme is the loss of control, no closure and the unknown.

It appears OP that your relationship ended with some unanswered questions, questions that you had for your ex that you have never had the chance to ask or receive an answer on. You have no control over this and that is what is eating you up inside, you probably say to yourself "If he could just answer these questions maybe I could move on" - But answers lead to further questions and further worry over the lack of control you have....

This has lead to a lack of closure, we have all had this. I have been in multiple long term relationships, mostly the have ended with understanding, that I could get it right in my head why we are breaking up etc, however some relationships when they end can happen abruptly and without the heartbroken victim expecting it, that's what hurts, the unknown no time to plan in your head, no closure and the lack of control you have over these feelings...

I have also had short term relationships, some that have ended quickly and abruptly, with me not wanting or expecting it, strangely but what backs up my point, these hurt the most as I never really got an answer or an answer that satisfied me, no closure, the unknown. Not too long I had been going out with someone, that someone simply stopped talking to me...we were meant to go out one night and no call, no text....the person could be dead (we did not share mutual friends, had not met the family at this stage, lived a fair distance away from each other)....I don't know, probably never will, I did not love this person , but it will eat you up and affect other parts of your life, but at some stage we all need to pick ourselves up, get your best friends around you, start thinking about other possible partners and believe you will meet someone new...

LegacyUser

Thank you for your insights.

I can't get past the fact he thinks I would manipulate me, him and the mutual friend I was with just to hurt him. He thought I lied about things before based on the fact that I held back on telling him about a guy coming onto me when we were on a break to save his head because he is a very jealous type and ever since he still does. I think in the entirety of our relationship I have told him two untruths foolishly and I do admit wrongly because honesty, however hurtful, is always better. That time to save him from wrecking his head and once years back where I knew he was jealous of a male friend of mine so I said I had texted his girlfriend rather than him to join them both in the pub. Stupid white lie again to save head wreckedness and something I’ve been regretting and apologizing for ever since.

Nothing i feel for him is untrue and I can't understand why he thinks I'm always lying. I amn't and surely having spent that length of time with me and knowing 100% how hopelessly in love I was and unfortunately still am he should see how real my emotions are and maybe care enough to help me get through this by clearing some things up even just as someone he did once love. His reaction to all this suggests what I suspected at the time of our break up. He did still have feelings post beak up but resented me for it and though he could move on as long as I wasn't in sight it came back then when he was faced with the thought of me with someone he knew. I don't think he'd ever admit that because he hates me now for having supposedly tried to wreck his head by being with someone we both knew.

I've thought long and hard about the whole situation and I'm starting to think that perhaps the guy I was seeing has not been entirely truthful with me or indeed with my ex about how things happened. It doesn't make sense that my ex would still be so furious. I told the friend that I wasn't over my ex from the get go and that I couldn't be 100% with anyone while I was like that. He pursued me relentlessly and I was so lonely I went with it in the end where I should've stayed firm and just stayed friends but still though it was hard I always told him the honest truth about where I was, that I wasn't over things and that it upset me greatly not to even salvage a friendship with my ex and that I had told my ex how I felt. He always said it was his prerogative to be there knowing all this. I'm starting to think that perhaps he let on that it was he that finished things thus giving weight to my ex's theory that it was me orchestrating the whole thing for some kind of revenge where really I think he just didn't ever want me to actually talk to or sort things out with my ex on any level because he had expressed an interest in me well before we got together. He wasn't really in the best place himself at the time and is sorting himself out since so though I'd be livid if my suspicions were true I understand his motives.

The possible lies and frosty reception I'm getting from other people who were once very friendly to me and the knowledge that my ex thinks so lowly of me is sending me cracked. I nearly took an overdose last night but stopped myself. I had a breakdown in the summer when it all finished because I couldn't handle my ex just dumping me and then coming back if ever he felt someone else was interested and dragging me over the coals over that guy coming onto me months and months later. I'm going to have to try and get some more professional help because I'm having suicidal thoughts quite a bit now again since my ex laughed at me in the street and whether it's just this or more ( I also had a near rape incident some months ago when I gone to bed upstairs in my friends bedroom at party and it was someone I knew!) I need to get back to where I was once before. I know though that just pumping myself with anti-d's doesn't agree with me and won't get rid of this hurt and confusion in the long term. I know in my heart and soul that I will always love this man and nothing will ever feel the same again. I know to some that sounds foolish but as someone else posted if we had been married and split people would understand my anguish and in my heart he was someone I was completely committed to and could have stayed that way for a long long time. I lost the future I wanted and the respect of someone I value even as a friend which is something that I held so dear and I can't even clear my name.

My life will never be the same again but hopefully I can at least live it in some way.

LegacyUser

Dear Yearlater,
It has taken me a while to write a reply here as I am going through the very same thing. I seen the title ages ago but felt too sensitive to reply until now. Every single thing you said has been like reading my own thoughts. I am very sorry that you're still hurting.
My ex dumped me (and I think cheated too) and left me very coldly, crying my eyes out and drove into town to be with some new girl within ten mins of leaving me. This girl had been persuing him for our whole relationship but he promised me he didn't want her and that he loved me and wanted to stay with me. Anyway, turns out he was lying. It wasn't just her, there were loads of other girls, throughout our whole relationship and he constantly stood me up and ignored me (even on my birthday). It's been over a year and even typing this is making my eyes well up. One poster made a really good point about the lack of closure making the pain so intense. I think that poster was bang on. When I think of it, it really is all of the unanswered questions that play on my mind the most. The fact that the break up was so harsh and sudden and the fact that I now see that all along he was lying to me - I can't even tell you that I know what happened. I have been given no closure. I don't even know when he stopped loving me or why, or if he ever even did in the first place. That's what is causing so much pain, the fact that we can't understand it. So many people are saying that you need to accept it's over (and they are right) but like you, I always feel worse when I hear this. I think people can forget that it's almost impossible to accept something if you can't even understand it.
I still wake up crying sometimes and I think about him last thing at night. I know I shouldn't after he hurt me so much. Even now, he doesn't care how he makes me feel. I hadn't seen him in six months and he knew I'd be back in town for my relatives birthday. He brought the cow he cheated on me with to the party and I felt so small and worthless. He didn't even care that he'd already hurt me. I felt betrayed all over again. He did all this again recently and afterwards text me to say he missed me but did not suggest that he wanted to get back together. He's having too much fun messing around with the drugged up tramps that he seems to be hanging with. No strings/commitments etc..
I thought that speaking to him again would help (and even now I feel that I would be ok if I could just scream at him because I've been so submissive around him) but when he did text he was implying that he wanted us to have sex again and was sending me messages saying that he was horny, that I was hot.. etc He clearly doesn't want anything from me apart from sex and to be honest I've come through enough without him to belittle myself like that. That made me see just how little I mean to him. He sees me as nothing but a play thing he can benefit from. He never even apologised for all the things he did to me (he was very abusive) and even said he'd kill himself if anyone gave him a hard time for what he did. I felt like I was powerless. This lack of control is again, something that poster pointed put and it does all seem very relevant to me.
I can't tell you it'll all get better but you're not totally alone. I for one understand how you're feeling and I can honestly say that I do feel empty and broken and like some of me is missing. I tried dates with other fellas - didn't work, was too soon and I was too messed up and self destructive and picked absolute losers to go out with! Don't get back out there until u feel more positive, you'll only fall back into a jerks arms. At the moment I am focusing on building up my self esteem and trying to like myself again. Then I will be more ready to accept another person into my life.
Just take each day at a time and know that you are not alone, as isolated as you may feel. We'll be fine. It'll eventually fade away and somebody better will come along (I hope so anyway). Just focus on staying busy and positive (I know this is impossible at night or in the morning when u cant get up because all you want to do is cry) but just try. Next time you're really, really down, come back here and vent. You'll see after a while how your feelings begin to change.
I know I am in no way 'over' him but I have decided that after all the abuse I took that I at least owe it to myself to keep trying. (and believe it or not, I'm not a cocky bit.ch, I have often seriously thought about killing myself too, I have very low self esteem and sometimes I cant even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgust. But I kow deep down I have more in me than this and so do you) I'm trying to do well in college and keep a job too so my hours are pretty busy. I am hoping that a nice, new guy will come along soon and see me for what I have got to offer him rather than what I've lost. Just remember, you were fine before this relationship. I know that we can get that back again.
Good Luck
xx

DD

A year is a long time, you should have been over him. I was wondering, are you seeing him everyday or quite often, is he in your way usually?
The best thing to do when you break up is to stay away and time will solve it sooner or later.
You just make sure you're doing everything you can, new things you like, meet people, try to change something, sometimes small many things that offer you pleasure for a short period help a lot.

440Hz

dianaangeleyes wrote: »

A year is a long time, you should have been over him.

Is there some rule book that says that? Sorry Im not trying to sound smart, but there is nothing to say that you should be over someone in a year. Its different for everyone, and every situation is unique. There are no time lines for these kinds of things.

Papillon87

440Hz wrote: »

Is there some rule book that says that? Sorry Im not trying to sound smart, but there is nothing to say that you should be over someone in a year. Its different for everyone, and every situation is unique. There are no time lines for these kinds of things.

+1....really annoys me when people act like there is a time frame for hurting after having your heart broken, especially as someone going through a break up. Everyone is different, everyone loves differently. I don't believe Love is something that just stops because X amount of time has passed. You can't help how you feel.

shoegirl

yearlater wrote: »

...still I truly believe I’ll never love anyone like him again. We went out three years and it wasn’t all roses but I always thought he was the one for me and still do...

I can sympathise with your situation. I think you've hit something though thats important to realise: YOU believed he was the one for you, and you are the one believes you won't love somebody like him again.

Now ok, I don't know what he did or if he's said or done anything thats contributed to the beliefs you had. I think your challenge here to get over the idea that has settled in your head that somehow you don't deserve any better than what happened, and that you just aren't going to do any better.

You know what: there is better. Trouble is, after 3 years, you get lazy. You get complacent. Relationships are scary. The unknown is scary. The idea of another committment can be daunting. But you must believe in yourself. That I think is your challenge: to believe that there is better out there and that you deserve it. Very hard to tell you how to get there, but once you recognise that yes, there is better and yes, you can have it if you really want it, I think you will start to find paths.

LegacyUser

The last time you saw this guy he laughed at you in front of your frineds. Is this the man you Love. Is thi what you want. Is this what you think you deserve.

You have handed him all control over your happiness, Why? What is it in you that needs to be still "in love" with him? This is what you need to figure out. Not why is he doing this to you but why are you doing this to yourself?

Princess Leia

Hiya,I read your post and had to reply.What happens when you deeply love someone and then split up is a grief process,similar to when someone dies..you start to crave contact with that person and go through a stage of denial about the split.I went through this many years ago when I split up with a guy I loved dearly.It definitely took longer than a year for me to get over it.The best way I can describe it is at first it is overwhelming,and seems around you all the time like a whole house,then later it becomes like one room in that house,later still it is like a cupboard in that room.Occassionaly(sp?) you will visit the room and later the cupboard and feel that grief but not like at the start when it's everyday.To this day many,many years later I still think of that man BUT not everyday..just on the odd moment.You WILL love again.I am now with a lovely man who I love dearly..but his love is different to my old love.
Each love is different and you can fall in love very deeply more than once in your lifetime.Nearly 20 years later my old love met me and told me he had loved me and apologised for the way he treated me (he blanked me once we split up,made up stupid excuses for the break-up).He was afraid of a close loving relationship and was not able to handle the stress of it (his words not mine).
Please give yourself time to grieve,be kind to yourself,and keep posting here if you need support. x

barbiegirl

Hi
I've also been there. Broke up after 3 years cause basically as much as I adored him I knew he didn't feel as deeply for me. He loved me but not enough and I wanted more. It nearly killed me to call a halt to it but I did. The aftermath was huge, I cried myself to sleep for nearly a year, but I knew I'd done the right thing for me. It took me 2 years to sleep with someone else, then I made a deal to go on just about every date I was asked on, it led to some very funny stories, and eventually, one drunken night I snogged a guy I worked with. Now we're engaged and I am truely happy cause I didn't settle. I know he loves me as much as I love him.
What I am basically saying by relating my experiences is that 1 year after the split I was still a nut bag, 1.5 years later I made a conscious effort to block out all thoughts of him and try to heal, 2 years after I slept with someone I had basically no attraction to just to get it over and done with, then 2.5 years after the break up I met my true other half.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it takes time. Reward yourself for every thing you do that indicates you've moved on a bit. You will get there. Best of luck :-)