Ex girlfriend won't back off

LegacyUser · 19-02-2008 12:18PM #1

Hi guys,

Been going out with my boyfriend for almost eight months now and we are incredibly happy and in love. I do, however, have serious issues with his ex girlfriend. He went out with her for one year about twenty months ago, and after they broke up, were very friendly, as in they'd go to the cinema together, hang out, etc etc. Contact eventually started to fade and the summer just gone, she went to Thailand for two months. By this point I was going out with my boyfriend a month or so.

Over the past eight to twelve weeks, this girl has all of a sudden gotten back in contact with my boyfriend. MSNing him, commenting his Bebo page, texting him, etc. What disturbs me is one MSN converstaion they had in which she said she missed him, was very sorry for all the problems and upset she caused in the relationship, and that she wished she had a boyfriend like him, told him he could have any girl he wanted. She texted him oone Sunday morning several weeks ago asking him to go to the park, saying would he "like to do some of those exercises, yes yes?" I texted her back, saying my boyfriend was asleep in bed and that we were actually spending the day together, but she would be completely welcome to meet up with us for a coffee or a drink, etc. She turned down my invitation, and similar occurences have happened, her always refusing to meet up if I'm around.

It all got to me so much and her converstaions with him were verging on inappropriate in my book, so I decided I'd get in touch with her. She was the cause if a lot of the arguments in my relationship so I decided to nip it in the bud. I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it, etc.

THEN he is incredibly reluctant to get rid of letters, cards, etc that she gave him. I got very jealous and started to feel very insecure. I reckon she still has feelings for him, and after discussing it with my friends, they think so too. She is an attractive girl in a brilliiant college course and I am honestly feeling threatened by her.

Am I overreacting? Am I letting the green eyed monster take over? What should I do?

My boyfriend gladly ceased talking to her as he said he wants me to be secure and happy, but also said that didn't mean he WANTED to do it.

Two days ago she posted a statement on Bebo saying "Jealous girlfriends- oh ****ing dear". I was fuming. I emailed her and said it was incredibly immature of her to do such a thing and if she had a problem with me, to speak to me, not publicise it on a social networking webiste. She then rang my boyfriend, faux-upset, and claimed that statement had nothing to do with me. Liar, or me being paranoid?

HELP!!! And thanks for reading

Beruthiel · 19-02-2008 12:28PM

2jealous wrote: »

I decided I'd get in touch with her. She was the cause if a lot of the arguments in my relationship so I decided to nip it in the bud. I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it,

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.
Also
Stop reading her bebo a/c.

funloving · 19-02-2008 12:50PM

I understand how you can feel.
I don't think you're overreacting and honestly I think this ex should leave you and your bf alone...
Of course she is still interested in him because if she was only a friend and understood how her texts,mails etc are interfering with your rleation in a upsetting way she would stop.
I think your bf should cut contracts with her

LegacyUser · 19-02-2008 12:51PM

He agreed her behaviour was inappropriate and slightly odd. She had also been logging into his Bebo account and changing his profile.

I got in touch with her because I felt it was better for her to her it directly from me how I was feeling rather than from somebody else.

dudara · 19-02-2008 12:55PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

+1

It's your boyfriend's place to deal with his ex-girlfriend, not yours. It probably seemed like the sensible thing to do, given his apparent lack of decision on the point. But looking at her Bebo, texting her, emailing her, writing her a letter?

But why is your boyfriend leaving all this happen? Maybe I missed something, but you didn't say anywhere in your post what steps you have taken with your boyfriend to deal with all this. How much have you discussed with him? Have you made it clear to him how this attention from his ex is affecting you?

Mr. Incognito · 19-02-2008 12:59PM

Jealousy is not an attractive trait. Your boyfriend cannot have his cake and eat it. He, not you is the one that should be dealing with this and frankly if an ex girlfriend dissed my currect girlfriends I would sure as hell be standing up for her and telling the ex to cop on.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2008 01:08PM

dudara wrote: »

+1

It's your boyfriend's place to deal with his ex-girlfriend, not yours. It probably seemed like the sensible thing to do, given his apparent lack of decision on the point. But looking at her Bebo, texting her, emailing her, writing her a letter?

But why is your boyfriend leaving all this happen? Maybe I missed something, but you didn't say anywhere in your post what steps you have taken with your boyfriend to deal with all this. How much have you discussed with him? Have you made it clear to him how this attention from his ex is affecting you?

We've discussed it at length, and he realises how upset and anxious her behaviour was making me. He has stood up for me, and when she telephoned him and told him he could do so much better than "that" he told her how dare she speak about me like that, that she didn't know me and that he loves me very much. The thing is, I know she won't back down. She just won't leave me or my boyfriend alone. I don't know what to do. At this stage, I have said all I can say, as has my boyfriend. He told her exactly why I felt the way I did and told her to basically cop on and stop it. But being the type of person she is, she'll leave it for a few weeks and start again. I need a solution and I can't come up with one.

funloving · 19-02-2008 01:17PM

I think your bf should tell her that there's nothing she can do to have him back and to have a bit of self pride instead of looking for somebody who is not interested anymore.
He's in love with you,not her and again he wants to have a relationship with you, not her.
She is his history while you're his present and future..hope your bf achieves in making her understand it.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2008 01:26PM

Thanks funloving, it's always the girls that are so understanding!

Mazeire · 19-02-2008 01:44PM

2jealous wrote: »

We've discussed it at length, and he realises how upset and anxious her behaviour was making me. He has stood up for me, and when she telephoned him and told him he could do so much better than "that" he told her how dare she speak about me like that, that she didn't know me and that he loves me very much. The thing is, I know she won't back down. She just won't leave me or my boyfriend alone. I don't know what to do. At this stage, I have said all I can say, as has my boyfriend. He told her exactly why I felt the way I did and told her to basically cop on and stop it. But being the type of person she is, she'll leave it for a few weeks and start again. I need a solution and I can't come up with one.

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice. He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page. Actions after all, speak a hell of a lot louder than words. By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.
Why is he not doing any of this? I think you need to get an awnser to that question.

denhaagenite · 19-02-2008 01:45PM

I really feel for you, I'd go mad if that were me.

Part of me is inclined to believe that your bf is enjoying the attention- that's not to say that he has any feelings for her but it's just one theory.

Urge him to make his profile private and remove her from his friends list, then do the same yourself- definitely necessary from the tone of your post.

Remember that she can't have that much going for her if she can't find her own fella and has to go after yours. They broke up for a reason, a reason that YOUR bf remembers and she clearly doesn't. She's the green eyed monster, NOT you.

jdivision · 19-02-2008 01:57PM

Couldn't he just change his bebo password? Couldn't he have the balls to tell her to stop calling? Couldn't he have a bit more respect for you by doing these things?
On the other hand, couldn't you not read his texts? Couldn't you not look up her bebo? Couldn't you ignore her rather than writing (!!) to her? Couldn't you realise that it's up to him to cut contact, not you to do it for him!

dudara · 19-02-2008 01:58PM

Mazeire wrote: »

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice.

She would give up eventually if he cut all contact with her. However, he continues to communicate with her, continuing to give her opportunities.

Mazeire wrote:

He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page.

Get him to change his password?

Mazeire wrote:

By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.

As I said earlier. The problem lies with your boyfriend.

Tobias Greeshman · 19-02-2008 02:03PM

Has your bf told her to stop contacting him indefinitely? because as I've read it he hasn't. He seems too soft and lenient with her, but that's just my reading of it.

I'm just wondering why he's keeping in contact with her, after some of her antics. Especially the bebo page thing, and the way she referred to the OP (eg. "you could do better than that") personally if that was me I'd be thinking "psycho-ex", and I'd be putting a bit of distance between myself and said ex.

humanji · 19-02-2008 02:04PM

I also find it odd that your BF is doing bugger all to stop this. You could ask him to block all contact with her, ie remove her from Bebo friends list, maybe block her number etc, but you can't force him to do this. If he doesn't want to then you'll have to deal with it.

To be honest, she sounds like a bunny boiler. It may just be best to ignore her if your BF doesn't want to do anything about it. Otherwise you're just playing her game.

Mazeire · 19-02-2008 02:05PM

dudara wrote: »

Get him to change his password?

As I said earlier. The problem lies with your boyfriend.

Indeed. And I know, OP, this is a scarier prospect than placing it all on some psycho nutter but one that needs to be faced all the same.

Drift · 19-02-2008 02:07PM

2jealous wrote: »

I don't know what to do.

From now on do absolutely nothing, don't even acknowledge her existence. She is continuing this and stepping it up because she knows it annoys you. The more she carries on with it the more and more paranoid you act and she recognises that your bf will eventually get fed up of you acting this way and you'll split up leaving the way clear for her. The way you beat her is by letting her know how insignificant you think she is. This isn't going to be easy considering the silly things you did; writing/emailing/ringing her. Cold turkey it from now on.

Secondly this is your bf's ex. Like another poster said he probably enjoys the attention. All human's like knowing someone wants them - it's in our nature. By letting you get in contact with her he's moving the blame away from himself for breaking contact. It's time for him to grow a set of balls and deal with her himself. You have to sit down and let him know that if he's serious about his relationship with you this sort of lovey dovey ****e from his ex has to stop. You have to phrase this carefully though - DO NOT make it an ultimatum because that's what she wants.

At the end of the day though it's his problem to deal with and if he really loves you he will deal with it. You should never have personally contacted her but it's too late for that now. Just back away now and see if your bf really is the man you think he is or not.

Edit: To summarise your bf needs to grow a set of balls instead of you being a substitute for them.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2008 02:11PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I don't agree with you there. The new girlfriend of my exboyfriend felt threatened over our friendship and after a fair bit of sniping through friends etc (we were 20) she emailed me explaining how she felt and asking me to meet up with her and discuss our problems. We did and it was extremely beneficial for both of us AND my ex.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.

Tbh a lot of the time men will just not notice what's going on around them and don't see issues the same. My ex used to happily meet up with me but not tell his girlfriend about it because she'd get pissed if he did and then of course she'd be even madder when she found out! Granted that's not the exact case that is happening with the OP.

OP - it sounds like his ex either still fancies your boyfriend or she's just a bitch. Either way it's not really up to you to ask your boyfriend to cut her out of his life - you might just end up with the situation I described above! If there are no trust issues in your relationship then you should have no problems with him being friends with his ex. No matter what her motives.

denhaagenite · 19-02-2008 02:14PM

Let's face it though, in the age of the internet there are bebo stalkers everywhere. Hands up who's been affected by this?? The worst bit is we all love bebo because it's soooo handy for keeping in touch with and finding people we haven't spoken to in years. Even if he does make his profile private and change all his passwords she can still visit his friend's pages etc etc.

I think we should stop criticizing the OP's boyfriend, the guy is probably torn and he has already given out to her about it and the stuff she says about the OP. Relationships are hard enough these days and as soon as lads are told they can't do something they immediately go into defense mode and want to do it- this guy has done what his gf asked

Bunny boiler is the right word OP. Don't you worry about some weirdo who can't let go of the past. I had two examples of pure psycho exes bebo stalking me as soon as my bf put me up as his other half- one of them sent him an email soon afterwards with a bill for a dinner, a birthday present, two weeks off work, a doctors visit and (in her words) "depression pills"..... That email thread did the rounds for a while I can tell you....

Zombrex · 19-02-2008 02:51PM

2jealous wrote: »

HELP!!! And thanks for reading

You are well on your way down what is known as the self fulfilling prophecy route the way you have been acting. You are going to end up driving him away from you, probably straight into her arms.

At the end of the day your boyfriend will either want to stay with you, or he will want to dump you and get back with his old girlfriend. So you have to ask yourself do you think what you are doing is helping the situation? At some point you are going to piss your boyfriend off so much he is going to think "er, why am I going out with you again?"

First of all, stop reading his text messages. That is rude and rather inappropriate.

Secondly confronting this girl simply confirms to her that what she is doing is working, why would you be upset if you didn't think there was a chance he would go back to her? Stop confronting her, in fact stop contacting her at all.

Thirdly, for god sake stop asking your boyfriend to never see her. I can't believe you did that. Why would he be happy about cutting a person he is obviously close with out of his life because you don't trust him? Again this goes back to your boyfriend thinking "why am I doing this again?" Are you worth it?

At the end of the day you either trust your boyfriend or you don't. TBH if I was your boyfriend I would be rather insulted by now about how you are acting. The idea that if she stays around in contact with him he will eventually leave you for her is not a healthy way to be in a relationship and it also sends out a clear message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him.

I don't know, maybe you don't trust him, but then the issue is with your relationship, this girl could be any girl he knows. If that is the case you need to have a serious look at your relationship.

pookie82 · 19-02-2008 03:35PM

I can't agree with people saying he should still be able to see her (the ex) any time without any worries from his over-bearing girlfriend etc. Fair enough if she came across as a nice girl who wanted to retain a close friendship but had no intention of messing up his current relationship. But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.
Guys never seem to cop on (or they pretend not to, at least) to the tricks of jealous women who want them back. They pretend to have no idea why their current girlfriends have a problem with their ex leaving bebo comments/texting all the time/wanting to meet/telling them thery could do better than the current girlfriend etc. This is mostly to do with the fact that they plain and simple love the attention.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull. This girl is making an obvious play for him. Logging into his bebo and changing stuff is pretty serious and intrusive in my book. Sit him down and tell him that you're not putting up with it anymore. Tell him in no uncertain terms to deal with her once and for all. Your sending letters, although seeming like the adult thing to do at the time, didn't work as she is clearly below that and probably saw it as a sign of a job well done in coming between you two. If he genuinely cares about you he'll tell her that if she can't reamin his mate in a non-intrusive adn threatening fashion then she'll have to do without his friendship. That includes growing up and cutting out all the bitchy comments on bebo and meet-up texts that only include him.

OP I think it was very nice of you to invite her to spend time with you both when she text him. She clearly can't respond to a mature suggestion and is doing everything possible to get to you in an underhand fashion. Tell him to sort it out or he's lost you. And that's not a childish ultimatum when you're dealing with someone like this - you've tried all the sensible "nice-girl" ways. If he has any respect for you he'll cut her off. She sounds like a horrible person anyway.

denhaagenite · 19-02-2008 03:44PM

pookie82 wrote: »

I can't agree with people saying he should still be able to see her (the ex) any time without any worries from his over-bearing girlfriend etc. Fair enough if she came across as a nice girl who wanted to retain a close friendship but had no intention of messing up his current relationship. But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.
Guys never seem to cop on (or they pretend not to, at least) to the tricks of jealous women who want them back. They pretend to have no idea why their current girlfriends have a problem with their ex leaving bebo comments/texting all the time/wanting to meet/telling them thery could do better than the current girlfriend etc. This is mostly to do with the fact that they plain and simple love the attention.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull. This girl is making an obvious play for him. Logging into his bebo and changing stuff is pretty serious and intrusive in my book. Sit him down and tell him that you're not putting up with it anymore. Tell him in no uncertain terms to deal with her once and for all. Your sending letters, although seeming like the adult thing to do at the time, didn't work as she is clearly below that and probably saw it as a sign of a job well done in coming between you two. If he genuinely cares about you he'll tell her that if she can't reamin his mate in a non-intrusive adn threatening fashion then she'll have to do without his friendship. That includes growing up and cutting out all the bitchy comments on bebo and meet-up texts that only include him.

OP I think it was very nice of you to invite her to spend time with you both when she text him. She clearly can't respond to a mature suggestion and is doing everything possible to get to you in an underhand fashion. Tell him to sort it out or he's lost you. And that's not a childish ultimatum when you're dealing with someone like this - you've tried all the sensible "nice-girl" ways. If he has any respect for you he'll cut her off. She sounds like a horrible person anyway.

+1

I hate to say it but us women stop at nothing if we really want something. Sometimes we a kick up the a**e (metaphorically) to get the message.

Zombrex · 19-02-2008 04:08PM

pookie82 wrote: »

But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.

And ... ?

What happens if he continues to see her?

pookie82 wrote: »

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull.

So basically you are saying this girl should tell her boyfriend that she doesn't trust him to not cheat on her or even dump her for this other girl, so she want him to not see this girl any more.

Yeah that will go down a treat. Guys love being insulted while being ordered around. :rolleyes:

pookie82 · 19-02-2008 04:22PM

Wicknight wrote: »

And ... ?

What happens if he continues to see her?

So basically you are saying this girl should tell her boyfriend that she doesn't trust him to not cheat on her or even dump her for this other girl, so she want him to not see this girl any more.

Yeah that will go down a treat. Guys love being insulted while being ordered around. :rolleyes:

No, I never said that she should tell him she doesn't trust him. I'm saying she should communicate to him how unacceptable his ex's behaviour is (though why he hasn't accepted this himself is beyond me) and tell him to sort her out. Whether she trusts him or not is her business, but he's letting his ex run rings around him, interfere in his new relationship, constantly poke jibes at his new girlfriend and its simply rude and childish. She may trust him with 100% but that doean't cancel out how hurt she is and how unacceptable the ex's behaviour is. Asking him to get his ex to stop making her life miserable by bitching on a social network about her is not "ordering him around", it's asking that he have respect enough for her to tell this wagon to back off. Having a problem with this is not a declaration of mistrust.

Plus we all know how one SHOULD behave in this situation, but how many girls on here have actually been in it?? Your first reaction is not to let it all slide, ignore your boyfriend's unwillingness to do anything about it, and continue in the hope it'll all pan out well. You have no idea how persistant women get when they have a bee in their bonnet about something - particularly when it's about getting a guy back. If the guy is as blind to their underhandedness as this one seems to be, and as oblivious to the damage it's causing his new relationship, then why shouldn't his girlfriend inform him of it and ask him to make it stop??

*Lees* · 19-02-2008 04:38PM

OP, firstly I would ignore anyone who is saying "Oh you don't trust your boyfriend" :rolleyes: It has nothing to do with not trusting her boyfriend imo! However it has everything to do with respect and mostly a lack of respect her boyfriend is giving her by not totally cutting contact with the ex!!! He is definitely loving the attention imo!!
He shouldn't have to be given an ulitmatum, he should be the one giving the ex an ultimatum.. "Cop on to yourself, im in love with my girlfriend, stop being a bitch or you will loose me as a friend"!! Logging onto his bebo and changing his page?? That is bordering on psychotic behaviour if you ask me!!!

funloving · 19-02-2008 04:51PM

I agree with what said above.
Talk frankly to your bf and tell him what he wants to do about his ex.
He knows you're upset and this situation is causing you a lot of stress.
I am sure he loves you but he loves the attention of his ex too.
He cant have both things,it is selfish of him.
I feel for you and I am sorry you're going through all this because of a bitch.
Just one thing:dont read his texts or go through his stuff

MIN2511 · 19-02-2008 06:09PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.
Also
Stop reading her bebo a/c.

Totaally agree....

It's your bf you should be discussing this with

Susannahmia · 19-02-2008 06:29PM

Mazeire wrote: »

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice. He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page. Actions after all, speak a hell of a lot louder than words. By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.
Why is he not doing any of this? I think you need to get an awnser to that question.

+1 that is exactly what I was about to say. The real issue here is with your boyfriend. H is allowing this to happen, maybe because he likes the attention or even still has feelings for the ex..

sharkie2008 · 19-02-2008 07:27PM

I have to agree with whats been said above. The ex causing problems is one thing but it seems to me the real problem is the boyfriend allowing this to continue. why hasn't he changed his bebo password for starters?? If he knows this is bothering you he should do more to stop her. Surely if the roles were reversed he would be unhappy about an ex of yours (op) sending messages with the same content so why does he continue to keep in touch with her, this will only encourage her

SarahSassy · 19-02-2008 08:04PM

2jealous wrote: »

I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it, etc.

Big mistake!!! You handed over your power here... She is playing the old trick of 'divide and conquer' and its working. She knows she got to you and that it is causing issues in your relationship and that she is winning bit by bit....

The fact that you commented that he is reluctant to get rid of he letters etc, shows that you are feeling paranoid and jealous so her plan has worked - all is not rosey...

BTW why were you reading his texts??? Bad enough that you read them but to reply from his phone. Would be a serious ed flag in my book. Some of your own behaviour is as nutty as hers. Pretty soon your bf wont be able to tell the difference esp if you keep nagging him about it.

sharkie2008 · 19-02-2008 10:01PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

BTW why were you reading his texts??? Bad enough that you read them but to reply from his phone. Would be a serious ed flag in my book. Some of your own behaviour is as nutty as hers.

Is reading his texts really that strange?? My bf and I would pick up each others phones to read out, I don't really think thats nutty behaviour

Ex girlfriend won't back off

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