Ex girlfriend won't back off

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Been going out with my boyfriend for almost eight months now and we are incredibly happy and in love. I do, however, have serious issues with his ex girlfriend. He went out with her for one year about twenty months ago, and after they broke up, were very friendly, as in they'd go to the cinema together, hang out, etc etc. Contact eventually started to fade and the summer just gone, she went to Thailand for two months. By this point I was going out with my boyfriend a month or so.

Over the past eight to twelve weeks, this girl has all of a sudden gotten back in contact with my boyfriend. MSNing him, commenting his Bebo page, texting him, etc. What disturbs me is one MSN converstaion they had in which she said she missed him, was very sorry for all the problems and upset she caused in the relationship, and that she wished she had a boyfriend like him, told him he could have any girl he wanted. She texted him oone Sunday morning several weeks ago asking him to go to the park, saying would he "like to do some of those exercises, yes yes?" I texted her back, saying my boyfriend was asleep in bed and that we were actually spending the day together, but she would be completely welcome to meet up with us for a coffee or a drink, etc. She turned down my invitation, and similar occurences have happened, her always refusing to meet up if I'm around.

It all got to me so much and her converstaions with him were verging on inappropriate in my book, so I decided I'd get in touch with her. She was the cause if a lot of the arguments in my relationship so I decided to nip it in the bud. I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it, etc.

THEN he is incredibly reluctant to get rid of letters, cards, etc that she gave him. I got very jealous and started to feel very insecure. I reckon she still has feelings for him, and after discussing it with my friends, they think so too. She is an attractive girl in a brilliiant college course and I am honestly feeling threatened by her.

Am I overreacting? Am I letting the green eyed monster take over? What should I do? My boyfriend gladly ceased talking to her as he said he wants me to be secure and happy, but also said that didn't mean he WANTED to do it.

Two days ago she posted a statement on Bebo saying "Jealous girlfriends- oh ****ing dear". I was fuming. I emailed her and said it was incredibly immature of her to do such a thing and if she had a problem with me, to speak to me, not publicise it on a social networking webiste. She then rang my boyfriend, faux-upset, and claimed that statement had nothing to do with me. Liar, or me being paranoid?

HELP!!! And thanks for reading

Beruthiel

2jealous wrote: »

I decided I'd get in touch with her. She was the cause if a lot of the arguments in my relationship so I decided to nip it in the bud. I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it,

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.
Also
Stop reading her bebo a/c.

funloving

I understand how you can feel.
I don't think you're overreacting and honestly I think this ex should leave you and your bf alone...
Of course she is still interested in him because if she was only a friend and understood how her texts,mails etc are interfering with your rleation in a upsetting way she would stop.
I think your bf should cut contracts with her

LegacyUser

He agreed her behaviour was inappropriate and slightly odd. She had also been logging into his Bebo account and changing his profile.

I got in touch with her because I felt it was better for her to her it directly from me how I was feeling rather than from somebody else.

dudara

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

+1

It's your boyfriend's place to deal with his ex-girlfriend, not yours. It probably seemed like the sensible thing to do, given his apparent lack of decision on the point. But looking at her Bebo, texting her, emailing her, writing her a letter?

But why is your boyfriend leaving all this happen? Maybe I missed something, but you didn't say anywhere in your post what steps you have taken with your boyfriend to deal with all this. How much have you discussed with him? Have you made it clear to him how this attention from his ex is affecting you?

Mr. Incognito

Jealousy is not an attractive trait. Your boyfriend cannot have his cake and eat it. He, not you is the one that should be dealing with this and frankly if an ex girlfriend dissed my currect girlfriends I would sure as hell be standing up for her and telling the ex to cop on.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

+1

It's your boyfriend's place to deal with his ex-girlfriend, not yours. It probably seemed like the sensible thing to do, given his apparent lack of decision on the point. But looking at her Bebo, texting her, emailing her, writing her a letter?

But why is your boyfriend leaving all this happen? Maybe I missed something, but you didn't say anywhere in your post what steps you have taken with your boyfriend to deal with all this. How much have you discussed with him? Have you made it clear to him how this attention from his ex is affecting you?

We've discussed it at length, and he realises how upset and anxious her behaviour was making me. He has stood up for me, and when she telephoned him and told him he could do so much better than "that" he told her how dare she speak about me like that, that she didn't know me and that he loves me very much. The thing is, I know she won't back down. She just won't leave me or my boyfriend alone. I don't know what to do. At this stage, I have said all I can say, as has my boyfriend. He told her exactly why I felt the way I did and told her to basically cop on and stop it. But being the type of person she is, she'll leave it for a few weeks and start again. I need a solution and I can't come up with one.

funloving

I think your bf should tell her that there's nothing she can do to have him back and to have a bit of self pride instead of looking for somebody who is not interested anymore.
He's in love with you,not her and again he wants to have a relationship with you, not her.
She is his history while you're his present and future..hope your bf achieves in making her understand it.

LegacyUser

Thanks funloving, it's always the girls that are so understanding!

Mazeire

2jealous wrote: »

We've discussed it at length, and he realises how upset and anxious her behaviour was making me. He has stood up for me, and when she telephoned him and told him he could do so much better than "that" he told her how dare she speak about me like that, that she didn't know me and that he loves me very much. The thing is, I know she won't back down. She just won't leave me or my boyfriend alone. I don't know what to do. At this stage, I have said all I can say, as has my boyfriend. He told her exactly why I felt the way I did and told her to basically cop on and stop it. But being the type of person she is, she'll leave it for a few weeks and start again. I need a solution and I can't come up with one.

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice. He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page. Actions after all, speak a hell of a lot louder than words. By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.
Why is he not doing any of this? I think you need to get an awnser to that question.

denhaagenite

I really feel for you, I'd go mad if that were me.

Part of me is inclined to believe that your bf is enjoying the attention- that's not to say that he has any feelings for her but it's just one theory.

Urge him to make his profile private and remove her from his friends list, then do the same yourself- definitely necessary from the tone of your post.

Remember that she can't have that much going for her if she can't find her own fella and has to go after yours. They broke up for a reason, a reason that YOUR bf remembers and she clearly doesn't. She's the green eyed monster, NOT you.

jdivision

Couldn't he just change his bebo password? Couldn't he have the balls to tell her to stop calling? Couldn't he have a bit more respect for you by doing these things?
On the other hand, couldn't you not read his texts? Couldn't you not look up her bebo? Couldn't you ignore her rather than writing (!!) to her? Couldn't you realise that it's up to him to cut contact, not you to do it for him!

dudara

Mazeire wrote: »

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice.

She would give up eventually if he cut all contact with her. However, he continues to communicate with her, continuing to give her opportunities.

Mazeire wrote:

He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page.

Get him to change his password?

Mazeire wrote:

By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.

As I said earlier. The problem lies with your boyfriend.

Tobias Greeshman

Has your bf told her to stop contacting him indefinitely? because as I've read it he hasn't. He seems too soft and lenient with her, but that's just my reading of it.

I'm just wondering why he's keeping in contact with her, after some of her antics. Especially the bebo page thing, and the way she referred to the OP (eg. "you could do better than that") personally if that was me I'd be thinking "psycho-ex", and I'd be putting a bit of distance between myself and said ex.

humanji

I also find it odd that your BF is doing bugger all to stop this. You could ask him to block all contact with her, ie remove her from Bebo friends list, maybe block her number etc, but you can't force him to do this. If he doesn't want to then you'll have to deal with it.

To be honest, she sounds like a bunny boiler. It may just be best to ignore her if your BF doesn't want to do anything about it. Otherwise you're just playing her game.

Mazeire

dudara wrote: »

Get him to change his password?

As I said earlier. The problem lies with your boyfriend.

Indeed. And I know, OP, this is a scarier prospect than placing it all on some psycho nutter but one that needs to be faced all the same.

Drift

2jealous wrote: »

I don't know what to do.

From now on do absolutely nothing, don't even acknowledge her existence. She is continuing this and stepping it up because she knows it annoys you. The more she carries on with it the more and more paranoid you act and she recognises that your bf will eventually get fed up of you acting this way and you'll split up leaving the way clear for her. The way you beat her is by letting her know how insignificant you think she is. This isn't going to be easy considering the silly things you did; writing/emailing/ringing her. Cold turkey it from now on.

Secondly this is your bf's ex. Like another poster said he probably enjoys the attention. All human's like knowing someone wants them - it's in our nature. By letting you get in contact with her he's moving the blame away from himself for breaking contact. It's time for him to grow a set of balls and deal with her himself. You have to sit down and let him know that if he's serious about his relationship with you this sort of lovey dovey ****e from his ex has to stop. You have to phrase this carefully though - DO NOT make it an ultimatum because that's what she wants.

At the end of the day though it's his problem to deal with and if he really loves you he will deal with it. You should never have personally contacted her but it's too late for that now. Just back away now and see if your bf really is the man you think he is or not.

Edit: To summarise your bf needs to grow a set of balls instead of you being a substitute for them.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I don't agree with you there. The new girlfriend of my exboyfriend felt threatened over our friendship and after a fair bit of sniping through friends etc (we were 20) she emailed me explaining how she felt and asking me to meet up with her and discuss our problems. We did and it was extremely beneficial for both of us AND my ex.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.

Tbh a lot of the time men will just not notice what's going on around them and don't see issues the same. My ex used to happily meet up with me but not tell his girlfriend about it because she'd get pissed if he did and then of course she'd be even madder when she found out! Granted that's not the exact case that is happening with the OP.

OP - it sounds like his ex either still fancies your boyfriend or she's just a bitch. Either way it's not really up to you to ask your boyfriend to cut her out of his life - you might just end up with the situation I described above! If there are no trust issues in your relationship then you should have no problems with him being friends with his ex. No matter what her motives.

denhaagenite

Let's face it though, in the age of the internet there are bebo stalkers everywhere. Hands up who's been affected by this?? The worst bit is we all love bebo because it's soooo handy for keeping in touch with and finding people we haven't spoken to in years. Even if he does make his profile private and change all his passwords she can still visit his friend's pages etc etc.

I think we should stop criticizing the OP's boyfriend, the guy is probably torn and he has already given out to her about it and the stuff she says about the OP. Relationships are hard enough these days and as soon as lads are told they can't do something they immediately go into defense mode and want to do it- this guy has done what his gf asked

Bunny boiler is the right word OP. Don't you worry about some weirdo who can't let go of the past. I had two examples of pure psycho exes bebo stalking me as soon as my bf put me up as his other half- one of them sent him an email soon afterwards with a bill for a dinner, a birthday present, two weeks off work, a doctors visit and (in her words) "depression pills"..... That email thread did the rounds for a while I can tell you....

Zombrex

2jealous wrote: »

HELP!!! And thanks for reading

You are well on your way down what is known as the self fulfilling prophecy route the way you have been acting. You are going to end up driving him away from you, probably straight into her arms.

At the end of the day your boyfriend will either want to stay with you, or he will want to dump you and get back with his old girlfriend. So you have to ask yourself do you think what you are doing is helping the situation? At some point you are going to piss your boyfriend off so much he is going to think "er, why am I going out with you again?"

First of all, stop reading his text messages. That is rude and rather inappropriate.

Secondly confronting this girl simply confirms to her that what she is doing is working, why would you be upset if you didn't think there was a chance he would go back to her? Stop confronting her, in fact stop contacting her at all.

Thirdly, for god sake stop asking your boyfriend to never see her. I can't believe you did that. Why would he be happy about cutting a person he is obviously close with out of his life because you don't trust him? Again this goes back to your boyfriend thinking "why am I doing this again?" Are you worth it?

At the end of the day you either trust your boyfriend or you don't. TBH if I was your boyfriend I would be rather insulted by now about how you are acting. The idea that if she stays around in contact with him he will eventually leave you for her is not a healthy way to be in a relationship and it also sends out a clear message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him.

I don't know, maybe you don't trust him, but then the issue is with your relationship, this girl could be any girl he knows. If that is the case you need to have a serious look at your relationship.

pookie82

I can't agree with people saying he should still be able to see her (the ex) any time without any worries from his over-bearing girlfriend etc. Fair enough if she came across as a nice girl who wanted to retain a close friendship but had no intention of messing up his current relationship. But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.
Guys never seem to cop on (or they pretend not to, at least) to the tricks of jealous women who want them back. They pretend to have no idea why their current girlfriends have a problem with their ex leaving bebo comments/texting all the time/wanting to meet/telling them thery could do better than the current girlfriend etc. This is mostly to do with the fact that they plain and simple love the attention.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull. This girl is making an obvious play for him. Logging into his bebo and changing stuff is pretty serious and intrusive in my book. Sit him down and tell him that you're not putting up with it anymore. Tell him in no uncertain terms to deal with her once and for all. Your sending letters, although seeming like the adult thing to do at the time, didn't work as she is clearly below that and probably saw it as a sign of a job well done in coming between you two. If he genuinely cares about you he'll tell her that if she can't reamin his mate in a non-intrusive adn threatening fashion then she'll have to do without his friendship. That includes growing up and cutting out all the bitchy comments on bebo and meet-up texts that only include him.

OP I think it was very nice of you to invite her to spend time with you both when she text him. She clearly can't respond to a mature suggestion and is doing everything possible to get to you in an underhand fashion. Tell him to sort it out or he's lost you. And that's not a childish ultimatum when you're dealing with someone like this - you've tried all the sensible "nice-girl" ways. If he has any respect for you he'll cut her off. She sounds like a horrible person anyway.

denhaagenite

pookie82 wrote: »

I can't agree with people saying he should still be able to see her (the ex) any time without any worries from his over-bearing girlfriend etc. Fair enough if she came across as a nice girl who wanted to retain a close friendship but had no intention of messing up his current relationship. But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.
Guys never seem to cop on (or they pretend not to, at least) to the tricks of jealous women who want them back. They pretend to have no idea why their current girlfriends have a problem with their ex leaving bebo comments/texting all the time/wanting to meet/telling them thery could do better than the current girlfriend etc. This is mostly to do with the fact that they plain and simple love the attention.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull. This girl is making an obvious play for him. Logging into his bebo and changing stuff is pretty serious and intrusive in my book. Sit him down and tell him that you're not putting up with it anymore. Tell him in no uncertain terms to deal with her once and for all. Your sending letters, although seeming like the adult thing to do at the time, didn't work as she is clearly below that and probably saw it as a sign of a job well done in coming between you two. If he genuinely cares about you he'll tell her that if she can't reamin his mate in a non-intrusive adn threatening fashion then she'll have to do without his friendship. That includes growing up and cutting out all the bitchy comments on bebo and meet-up texts that only include him.

OP I think it was very nice of you to invite her to spend time with you both when she text him. She clearly can't respond to a mature suggestion and is doing everything possible to get to you in an underhand fashion. Tell him to sort it out or he's lost you. And that's not a childish ultimatum when you're dealing with someone like this - you've tried all the sensible "nice-girl" ways. If he has any respect for you he'll cut her off. She sounds like a horrible person anyway.

+1

I hate to say it but us women stop at nothing if we really want something. Sometimes we a kick up the a**e (metaphorically) to get the message.

Zombrex

pookie82 wrote: »

But this girl has sh*t-stirring bitch written all over her.

And ... ?

What happens if he continues to see her?

pookie82 wrote: »

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and decide who's more important to him - you or her. All this talk of "don't make him choose" and "don't interfere" is, IMO, bull.

So basically you are saying this girl should tell her boyfriend that she doesn't trust him to not cheat on her or even dump her for this other girl, so she want him to not see this girl any more.

Yeah that will go down a treat. Guys love being insulted while being ordered around. :rolleyes:

pookie82

Wicknight wrote: »

And ... ?

What happens if he continues to see her?



So basically you are saying this girl should tell her boyfriend that she doesn't trust him to not cheat on her or even dump her for this other girl, so she want him to not see this girl any more.

Yeah that will go down a treat. Guys love being insulted while being ordered around. :rolleyes:

No, I never said that she should tell him she doesn't trust him. I'm saying she should communicate to him how unacceptable his ex's behaviour is (though why he hasn't accepted this himself is beyond me) and tell him to sort her out. Whether she trusts him or not is her business, but he's letting his ex run rings around him, interfere in his new relationship, constantly poke jibes at his new girlfriend and its simply rude and childish. She may trust him with 100% but that doean't cancel out how hurt she is and how unacceptable the ex's behaviour is. Asking him to get his ex to stop making her life miserable by bitching on a social network about her is not "ordering him around", it's asking that he have respect enough for her to tell this wagon to back off. Having a problem with this is not a declaration of mistrust.

Plus we all know how one SHOULD behave in this situation, but how many girls on here have actually been in it?? Your first reaction is not to let it all slide, ignore your boyfriend's unwillingness to do anything about it, and continue in the hope it'll all pan out well. You have no idea how persistant women get when they have a bee in their bonnet about something - particularly when it's about getting a guy back. If the guy is as blind to their underhandedness as this one seems to be, and as oblivious to the damage it's causing his new relationship, then why shouldn't his girlfriend inform him of it and ask him to make it stop??

*Lees*

OP, firstly I would ignore anyone who is saying "Oh you don't trust your boyfriend" :rolleyes: It has nothing to do with not trusting her boyfriend imo! However it has everything to do with respect and mostly a lack of respect her boyfriend is giving her by not totally cutting contact with the ex!!! He is definitely loving the attention imo!!
He shouldn't have to be given an ulitmatum, he should be the one giving the ex an ultimatum.. "Cop on to yourself, im in love with my girlfriend, stop being a bitch or you will loose me as a friend"!! Logging onto his bebo and changing his page?? That is bordering on psychotic behaviour if you ask me!!!

funloving

I agree with what said above.
Talk frankly to your bf and tell him what he wants to do about his ex.
He knows you're upset and this situation is causing you a lot of stress.
I am sure he loves you but he loves the attention of his ex too.
He cant have both things,it is selfish of him.
I feel for you and I am sorry you're going through all this because of a bitch.
Just one thing:dont read his texts or go through his stuff

MIN2511

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was something you never should have done.
It was entirely up to your b/f to sort this, it's his ex, it's him that should be dealing with it, not you.

I would suggest you having a discussion with him on whither he sees anything wrong with her behaviour and what he's going to do about it if he does.
Also
Stop reading her bebo a/c.

Totaally agree....

It's your bf you should be discussing this with

Susannahmia

Mazeire wrote: »

Yeah...interesting how he still is remaining in contact with her though isn't it?I mean no one is making him take her calls nd speak to her he could always just ignore them or if she rings from a witheld no. hang up when he hears her voice. He could report her to BEBO for harrassment when she changes his page. Actions after all, speak a hell of a lot louder than words. By speaking to her and the topic of coversation being your relationship and how much she is influencing it for the worse, she still is getting the pay off that she is a factor in your b/f's life. If he cut her out she wouldn't get it.
Why is he not doing any of this? I think you need to get an awnser to that question.

+1 that is exactly what I was about to say. The real issue here is with your boyfriend. H is allowing this to happen, maybe because he likes the attention or even still has feelings for the ex..

sharkie2008

I have to agree with whats been said above. The ex causing problems is one thing but it seems to me the real problem is the boyfriend allowing this to continue. why hasn't he changed his bebo password for starters?? If he knows this is bothering you he should do more to stop her. Surely if the roles were reversed he would be unhappy about an ex of yours (op) sending messages with the same content so why does he continue to keep in touch with her, this will only encourage her

SarahSassy

2jealous wrote: »

I wrote her a letter, politely and formally explaining how her actions were affecting me and my relationship, and asked her to please refrain from making contact with my boyfriend. He knew I did this, said he was OK with it, etc.

Big mistake!!! You handed over your power here... She is playing the old trick of 'divide and conquer' and its working. She knows she got to you and that it is causing issues in your relationship and that she is winning bit by bit....

The fact that you commented that he is reluctant to get rid of he letters etc, shows that you are feeling paranoid and jealous so her plan has worked - all is not rosey...

BTW why were you reading his texts??? Bad enough that you read them but to reply from his phone. Would be a serious ed flag in my book. Some of your own behaviour is as nutty as hers. Pretty soon your bf wont be able to tell the difference esp if you keep nagging him about it.

sharkie2008

SarahSassy wrote: »

BTW why were you reading his texts??? Bad enough that you read them but to reply from his phone. Would be a serious ed flag in my book. Some of your own behaviour is as nutty as hers.

Is reading his texts really that strange?? My bf and I would pick up each others phones to read out, I don't really think thats nutty behaviour

SarahSassy

sharkie2008 wrote: »

Is reading his texts really that strange?? My bf and I would pick up each others phones to read out, I don't really think thats nutty behaviour

Well not in that context but given that she checked his text, replied from his phone, wrote her a letter and checks her bebo site....... The more I think about it, the more I wonder which of them is obsessed.

sharkie2008

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well not in that context but given that she checked his text, replied from his phone, wrote her a letter and checks her bebo site....... The more I think about it, the more I wonder which of them is obsessed.

oh lol i missed that she replied from his phone, i get where you're coming from now lol does seem a bit obsessive put like that

Talliesin

2jealous wrote: »

Thanks funloving, it's always the girls that are so understanding!

I think this comment is telling.

After 3 female and 1 male posters replying to you, you pick on one of the female, thank her and then explain her being worthy of your thanks when the others aren't as being due to her being female.

Apart from it being rather a left-handed compliment, it smacks very strongly of someone who wants to be told they are in the right, and doesn't actually give a damn what anyone (including funloving) actually thinks.

Grand. Right now either this woman is really happy because she wants to get back with your boyfriend and you're playing right into her hands, or else really upset because she still cares for him as a friend and doesn't like seeing him in such a bad situation.

If your relationship were your primary concern, then in the first case you want to have it that if she shows her true colours (which she eventually will do if things seem vulnerable) that it's at a time when your boyfriend is feeling strong in his relationship with you and in the second case you want her to change her opinion before she starts trying to set him up with her friends/cousins/colleagues/people she's met/anyone to get the poor lad away from the psycho who wrote her that letter.

But that's nowhere near as immediately satisfying as making your boyfriend feel increasing pressure to feel and express himself a certain way and set boundaries within friendships according to someone other than himself. You'll probably win quite a lot of arguments with him, and feel completely in the right when he can't hack it any more and leaves. With a bit of luck when he does dump you he'll end up having a quick rebound fling with this woman and you'll get to say "ha! I told you so". Saying "I told you so" is very satisfying indeed, so keep up the good work.

pookie82

Talliesin wrote: »

I think this comment is telling.

After 3 female and 1 male posters replying to you, you pick on one of the female, thank her and then explain her being worthy of your thanks when the others aren't as being due to her being female.

Apart from it being rather a left-handed compliment, it smacks very strongly of someone who wants to be told they are in the right, and doesn't actually give a damn what anyone (including funloving) actually thinks.

Grand. Right now either this woman is really happy because she wants to get back with your boyfriend and you're playing right into her hands, or else really upset because she still cares for him as a friend and doesn't like seeing him in such a bad situation.

If your relationship were your primary concern, then in the first case you want to have it that if she shows her true colours (which she eventually will do if things seem vulnerable) that it's at a time when your boyfriend is feeling strong in his relationship with you and in the second case you want her to change her opinion before she starts trying to set him up with her friends/cousins/colleagues/people she's met/anyone to get the poor lad away from the psycho who wrote her that letter.

But that's nowhere near as immediately satisfying as making your boyfriend feel increasing pressure to feel and express himself a certain way and set boundaries within friendships according to someone other than himself. You'll probably win quite a lot of arguments with him, and feel completely in the right when he can't hack it any more and leaves. With a bit of luck when he does dump you he'll end up having a quick rebound fling with this woman and you'll get to say "ha! I told you so". Saying "I told you so" is very satisfying indeed, so keep up the good work.

Ok, that's pretty harsh!!! She only said thanks and added that the girls seem to see her point of view more so than the guys. This doesn't "smack" of only wanting to hear what she thinks herself spewed back at her, it just means that she can see that the girls on here seem to empathise with/understand her situation more so than the guys. What's wrong with that???

I find it really amusing that the guys are generally telling her to let her boyfriend do what he likes, stop nagging him/intruding etc and butt out. She's being accused of being the bunny boiler herself which seems very unfair. Unless we could talk to her boyfriend we're not going to know if she's being the paranoid psychopath or not, but the evidence so far suggests that the EX is the one going out of her way to cause trouble and that the OP tried in an adult manner to get her to back off with no result. (When did sending a letter to someone become psychopathic behaviour by the way??? I would have thought that changing ones bebo status by logging into his account would lean more in that direction. Remember, her boyfriend approved of the letter-sending).

Zombrex

pookie82 wrote: »

but the evidence so far suggests that the EX is the one going out of her way to cause trouble

Yes but you are missing the point that the ex is only "causing trouble" because the OP is really letting her get to her. The things the Ex does only work at upsetting the OP because the OP lets them work at upsetting her.

The Ex can want to get back with the boyfriend all she likes. That doesn't mean she is going to? Of course not. Is her boyfriend supposed to just not spend time with people who might like him or fancy him? That is ridiculous. She is his friend. So what if she likes him?

The fact that the OP is so worried about this demonstrates that she really doesn't trust her boyfriend. That isn't his problem, its hers. Blaming everyone else for her own insecurity is simply going to turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy.

SarahSassy

Wicknight wrote: »

Blaming everyone else for her own insecurity is simply going to turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy.

The truest words said... I wish there was an emoticon which could nod its head for this particular purpose.

Talliesin

pookie82 wrote: »

This doesn't "smack" of only wanting to hear what she thinks herself spewed back at her, it just means that she can see that the girls on here seem to empathise with/understand her situation more so than the guys. What's wrong with that???

It doesn't coincide with demonstrable reality.

If the other women in the thread had said the same thing (rather than something that mixed criticism with advice) then there'd be some reality in what she was saying.

So there must be some reason for her seeking an explanation as to why only one reply rubbed her up the right way. The fact that it's contrary to what's in black and white on this page needn't get in the way.

pookie82 wrote: »

I find it really amusing that the guys are generally telling her to let her boyfriend do what he likes, stop nagging him/intruding etc and butt out.

There's a middle ground between nagging and butting out.

pookie82 wrote: »

She's being accused of being the bunny boiler herself which seems very unfair.

Maybe. If I were here boyfriend I wouldn't tell her how I felt about it until I'd had a chance to move out or change the lock, but I don't claim to be as patient as some men.

pookie82 wrote: »

(When did sending a letter to someone become psychopathic behaviour by the way???

Think about it from recipient's point of view.

If the OP's worse fears are true then this woman wants her to get more and more insecure and will feel more confident if she sees evidence of that. This letter will have given her that idea. She's going to think "excellent, she's going psycho".

If the OP's fears are not true, then this woman has looked up an old friend after some time out of the country and suddenly receives a letter from someone she doesn't have contact with telling her to not contact her friend. She's going to think "oh no, she's going psycho".

Whether or not she actually is a psycho isn't actually as important tactically (if it was her bf who was posting that might be a different matter).

pookie82

Wicknight wrote: »

Yes but you are missing the point that the ex is only "causing trouble" because the OP is really letting her get to her. The things the Ex does only work at upsetting the OP because the OP lets them work at upsetting her.

The Ex can want to get back with the boyfriend all she likes. That doesn't mean she is going to? Of course not. Is her boyfriend supposed to just not spend time with people who might like him or fancy him? That is ridiculous. She is his friend. So what if she likes him?

The fact that the OP is so worried about this demonstrates that she really doesn't trust her boyfriend. That isn't his problem, its hers. Blaming everyone else for her own insecurity is simply going to turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy.

Ok, I see your point. But do you really think that this girl would back off if the OP ignores her?? If she really wants him back (and believe me I have seen this scenario in operation more than once) then the girlfriend ignoring things is not going to suddenly flick a switch which says "Ok, I'm done fancying him, I'm backing off now." You're making the presumption that the sole point of the ex interfering is to piss off the girlfriend and when that appears to stop working she'll back off. I think that the sole point of her interfering is, in fact, to simply get him back.

Again, I don't think it's a sign of gross mis-trust to ask him to get her to back off. Even if he'll never ever get back with her and the OP is assured of this, does she really want to be bitched about on a social network? Does she want her relationship to be littered with texts and calls from this girl looking for attention/reminiscing with her boyfriend about how good their time was/how much she misses him and so on.... Phone calls with her pretending to be upset etc. It's the inconvenience of it all, not just the (possible) mistrust of the current girlfriend. I may completely and utterly trust my boyfriend, yet I'm going to get pretty pissed off fairly quickly if a needy, attention seeking ex both plagues him and insults me at every opportunity.

And you say "she is his friend". Come on, she's alot more than that. She's an EX, which is different, and one who clearly still fancies him at that. Now if she were adamant that she had no intention of chasing him again and wasn't a bitch to his current girlfriend, fair enough - no right whatsoever to tell him to lose her. But that's not the case. Th ex is out to win him back and is clearly NOT just any old friend.

SarahSassy

pookie82 wrote: »

When did sending a letter to someone become psychopathic behaviour by the way???

Who knows anyone's address anymore to send letters??? Wonder where OP got that from.

Talliesin

pookie82 wrote: »

And you say "she is his friend". Come on, she's alot more than that. She's an EX,

Ex-
1. out, outside, away
2. not, without
3. former

Zombrex

pookie82 wrote: »

Ok, I see your point. But do you really think that this girl would back off if the OP ignores her??

You are missing the point. Whether this girl backs off is irrelevant. The OP can choose to say to the boyfriend that she doesn't like this girl, and doesn't want to spend time with her, but if the boyfriend wants to see her alone that is up to him. The boyfriends friends are his own business. The OP should have no contact with this girl, not as part of some game plan but simply because she shouldn't care either way about this girl at all. The only thing that matters is whether or not she trusts her boyfriend. If she trusts him then that should be the end of it.

pookie82 wrote: »

You're making the presumption that the sole point of the ex interfering is to piss off the girlfriend and when that appears to stop working she'll back off.

I'm not making any assumption along those lines, though I do think the way the OP has been acting is certain making the girl worse. She probably has it in her head now that she is saving him from the OP or something.

The point is why should the OP care if this girl fancies her boyfriend? Why is she threatened by that? I've gone out with girls that I know had male friends who fancied them and would like to go out with them if they could. But at the end of the day they were her friends and it was none of my business their personal feelings. It was between my girlfriend and them. You either trust your partner or you don't.

pookie82 wrote: »

I think that the sole point of her interfering is, in fact, to simply get him back.

So?

pookie82 wrote: »

Does she want her relationship to be littered with texts and calls from this girl looking for attention/reminiscing with her boyfriend about how good their time was/how much she misses him and so on.... Phone calls with her pretending to be upset etc.

So long as the girl isn't calling the OP then it is none of her business unless the boyfriend want to make it part of her business. If my girlfriend had been answering my text messages and my phone calls I would be pretty pissed off right there.

pookie82 wrote: »

I may completely and utterly trust my boyfriend, yet I'm going to get pretty pissed off fairly quickly if a needy, attention seeking ex both plagues him and insults me at every opportunity.

Why? Why would you care?

The only reason the OP is upset about any of this is because she is worried this girl will actually steal her boyfriend.

Zombrex

SarahSassy wrote: »

Who knows anyone's address anymore to send letters??? Wonder where OP got that from.

Yeah was thinking that myself.

You get that a lot on P.I .. little comments that you go "ok ... er wait, hold on"

Things like she sent my boyfriend a text message while he was in the shower ... how do you know she did that? were you reading his text messages?

Or, I sent her a letter ... how do you know where to sent the letter? Why are you sending the letter?

It seems that the OP is going out of her way to get involved in all this, going out of her way to contact this girl, rather than the other way around.

LegacyUser

OP I have to be honest, if you were my gf and went through my text messages/snooped on my MSN conversations, I would be hugely upset and probably quite angry.

It looks like you've been given some good advice - leave it to your boyrfriend to sort. Either you trust him or you don't, and perhaps that's the real issue here.

Jack B. Badd

pookie82 wrote: »

Ok, I see your point. But do you really think that this girl would back off if the OP ignores her?? If she really wants him back (and believe me I have seen this scenario in operation more than once) then the girlfriend ignoring things is not going to suddenly flick a switch which says "Ok, I'm done fancying him, I'm backing off now." You're making the presumption that the sole point of the ex interfering is to piss off the girlfriend and when that appears to stop working she'll back off. I think that the sole point of her interfering is, in fact, to simply get him back.

Why does it matter what the hell this other girl wants? At the end of the day, it's only the OP and her boyfriend in the relationship and whether he stays in the relationship is down to him and only him. If he wants to stay with the OP then no amount of attention from the ex will change that.
The above seems to be based on the assumption that the boyfriend is effectively a piece of meat with no decision-making faculties of his own who's being led around by his dick by whichever girl is the most attentive to him. If this is the case, why would anyone want to go out with such a degenerate specimen?

OP, this is one of those situations where, if you continue down the path you're going (checking his bebo, writing to his ex, asking him to cut contact with her), he'll probably end up leaving you because few people would remain in a relationship with someone with that many insecurities and issues. I say let the ex do what she likes and ignore her. If you ignore her then her sh*t-stirring loses most of its effectiveness. If your boyfriend's so easily swayed by a little attention from an ex then you deserve better. I suspect not though, given the lengths he's gone to already in an attempt to appease you, in which case he deserves a stress-free, secure and happy you.*

* Oh sweet jesus, I sound like a self help book :-s

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Who knows anyone's address anymore to send letters??? Wonder where OP got that from.

Try the phonebook.

And regards my responding to her when she texted him, he read the message, questioned aloud "Why the **** is she sending me a text like this?", and I offered to get him out of the awkward situation. I responded to her via my phone.

Also, he has of course changed his Bebo password, alongside not speaking to her and removing her from his top friends list on Bebo. It's not my boyfriend I'm concerned about at all. I totally trust him, hence my posting this thread. I wanted to know am I jealous without reason to be. Trust was never an issue, but that bitch's interference is, and all I wanted was advice as to how I could possibly end it once and for all.

Wibbs

If trust wasn't an issue you wouldn't be jealous. Simple as that.

pookie82

Wicknight, in answer to your last question, I'd be pissed off if some needy, attention seeking, annoying and seemingly relentless wagon plagued myself and my boyfriend because it would be inconvenient, irritating and unnecessary. No one needs that crap in their realtionship.

The Sweeper

Frankly I can't believe your boyfriend, in the full understanding of how threatened and upset you are by his ex-girlfriend, allowed you to write her a letter.

Is he enjoying this attention?

Here's the thing - if an ex boyfriend of mine was lavishing attention upon me that made my other half feel threatened and uncomfortable, and I didn't want my ex boyfriend to do it any more, you can be totally and utterly damn sure that my ex would get the message in no uncertain terms in pretty bloody short order.

If the ex was then insane enough to persist in pestering me, my reaction would be sufficient to set my other half's mind at ease.

If I don't want someone to stay in contact with me, then trust me, when I'm done they won't feel like contacting me.

Your boyfriend's enjoying this attention, and doesn't want his ex-girlfriend to back off. She'd have to be stupid or bored to continue down this road if she didn't know she was getting somewhere with him. She used to date him, so she knows him - and in my opinion, she's onto something.

Jack B. Badd

pookie82 wrote: »

Wicknight, in answer to your last question, I'd be pissed off if some needy, attention seeking, annoying and seemingly relentless wagon plagued myself and my boyfriend because it would be inconvenient, irritating and unnecessary. No one needs that crap in their realtionship.

If crap like that was ignored then it would probably finish reasonably quickly. All the OP has done is add fuel to the fire by interfering.
The closest likeness I can think of is a troll on this forum. If everyone ignores them they either stop pretty quickly due to the lack of reaction or they end up talking only to themselves... Of course, they get banned here first but there are no mods in real life to ban the ex - ignoring her from the start would have probably done the trick.

Wibbs

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Frankly I can't believe your boyfriend, in the full understanding of how threatened and upset you are by his ex-girlfriend, allowed you to write her a letter.

Is he enjoying this attention?

I agree with you. I think he is.

I would add that he sounds like another spineless manboy, who won't make a simple decision. "oooh I don't know what to do. I'm sooooo confused. I know! I'll make someone else make the decision for me and lay the blame at their feet". It's usually the woman in their life too. They're used to mammy doing it for them so they transfer that job to the girlfriend/wife. All too common. To the point where with some men you want to get sense into them in a way that doesn't go against the charter..... I'm no angel, but I worry for my gender sometimes and I'm sure many women reading this will recognise the breed.

They can be hard to spot too. They could have their life in good order on the outside but emotionally they never grow up.

If I was a friend of yours, OP I wouldn't be worried about his ex. I would be worried about you. You're not his mammy. You don't have to change his emotional nappy by dealing with his ex. That's his job.

BTW she isn't the cause of all your arguments, he is. Now because frankly you got the horn for this guy you don't see it. While his ex may disappear into the background his lack of emotional spine will split you up when that horn goes. I guarantee it. Unless you want to mammy him emotionally for life.

She used to date him, so she knows him - and in my opinion, she's onto something.

Bingo. He could go back. I would not be surprised at all. In fact if you continue down this road of being the "bad cop" and being his spine, you increase the chances.

Now you may say, he swears he wouldn't. That he loves you. I'm sure he told her that he loved her and that they would stay together. I'm sure he told her she was unique and he never felt like this before. The usual stuff in other words. He left her didn't he? Words mean nada. It's all about the actions and his actions over something that he can see upsets you, says it all. It speaks of weakness, a bad sign in a man.