Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.
Hi all, please see this major site announcement: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058427594/boards-ie-2026

UPDATE. Still next to NO physical intimacy in relationship

  • 13-09-2007 01:45AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    4 months ago, I posted this.

    So we were on holidays since during the summer and had sex. Once, just barely. We got about as far as penetration (yes, yes, it's not the be-all end-all, I know penetration isn't/shouldn't be the sole focus of "sex"), at which point she decided she'd prefer to take a shower together. Which was fun and all, but not as much went on.

    We've had basically no physical contact beyond kissing, hugging since then (June). This is not for lack of me trying, believe me.

    We have a pretty good relationship, all other things considered. We have great trust, too. We have fun and do enjoy being together. So there's just this one or two things that bother me.

    I wouldn't mind half as much if it was just a case of her wanting to take everything slow. But here we are in this otherwise full-blown relationship in which she talks openly about our "future" together and expects me to do long-term BF stuff like come/stay home from my friends or a party just to call her to say goodnight. I stay in her house with her family all the time. I splashed out (with her fully expecting me to) on many presents for her for her birthday. Basically gave her everything she wanted. Sadly, sex and physical intimacy don't seem to be things she wants. Which leaves me wanting.

    Things actually don't even show a trend of improvement. They've only gotten worse as times gone on. I can't remember the last time we had any heightened physical contact. Probably june. Despite it all, I love the girl dearly. She's beautiful, sweet and I know she's someone I can trust completely.

    I'm not looking for an instant turn-around into some high-octane, intercourse-filled relationship. Instead just a small step or two in the right direction would keep me sane. If I could just see the slightest trend of our sex-life improving...

    I've brought it up again once or twice since this drought has lasted. She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her. TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her. For 10 months now I've been doing my best, trying to be as patient as possible.



    So it's about time I raised the issue with her once more. As usual I'm unsure as to how to put it, though. I believe that once someone says a break-up is potentially on the cards then it's game-over, regardless. If the other partner can't feel completely secure in the relationship subsequently then there's no point going out at all. So I'm looking for a way to tell her how desperate I feel about the whole thing without making it an ultimatum... any advice??
    Thanks loads, ppl


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Marksie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    How did you broach the situation after your last thread, or did you wait until the holiday?.


  • #3
    king_of_inismac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,372 ✭✭✭king_of_inismac


    You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a normal sex life.

    There are SO many reasons as to why she doesn't initiate sex, and everyone here could probably suggest a different one.

    You obviously love and care for your girlfriend a lot. You NEED to sit down and talk to her about it. Not in a confrontational manner, blaming her for the lack of sex in your relationship, but at the same time you do need to emphasize that you NEED some level of physical intimacy in the relationship.

    It's not an issue to let lie because its not going to get easier for you. The longer it goes on the more you will resent her for it, and the worse it will be for both of you.

    Just be supportive and understanding, and be prepared to listen. The difference between good and bad relationships is not whether or not you have problems but rather how you deal with them.


    Maybe approach it as follows: I love you, and I love spending time together. I want this relationship to work, but I'm a bit worried about the sex thing. I just want us to sit down ad talk about it for a while. If there's a problem I want us to work together to resolve it. etc


  • #4
    DublinWriter
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,592 ✭✭✭DublinWriter


    unrollerblades2 wrote:
    I've brought it up again once or twice since this drought has lasted. She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her. TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her. For 10 months now I've been doing my best, trying to be as patient as possible.
    I know what you mean. It's easy for people just to say "talk to her about it" but initially broaching the subject can be next to impossible.

    There is no best opportune moment to do this; the best moment is always now in these types of situations.

    From your post, it's obvious that she has a fairly low sex drive. If she really wanted to have sex, she would. It's one of the hardest things to try any make someone fundamentally change in this regard, and even if you do, you are faced with the further problem of you having to ask yourself "is she just doing it to please me only?".

    I'm not sure how you two mix socially, but if you do break up over this then be prepared for her possibly to spread it around that the reason was because you just wanted sex all the time.

    Best of luck.


  • #5
    Zillah
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,369 ✭✭✭✭Zillah


    unrollerblades2 wrote:
    She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her. TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her.

    Uh...it is her fault. You should blame her. If she's in love with you and wants to spend her future with you, but doesn't want sex of any sort with you, then there is something very wrong in her head. Maybe she was abused when she was younger and physical intimacy freaks her out, who knows. Stop acting like everything is ok; she's being completely unreasonable.

    The point is, you're totally kidding yourself if you think that after all this time that a conversation will fix this. She doesn't want to sleep with you. Best case scenario is that you manage to guilt her into it.

    You need to decide if you want this sexless relationship for the rest of your life. If the answer is no then break up with her, she's crazy.


  • #6
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    unrollerblades2 wrote:
    She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her.
    I may get slated for this, but it is her fault(Zillah got there before me. Curses! :) ). Not the sexual part per se, but the lack of engagement with you about the subject. If she doesn't start talking about this it will only get worse. It could really be any problem in a relationship, it just happens to be sexual in this case. If the communication breaks down or she keeps trotting out the excuse that you blame her then there will be trouble ahead. And it is an excuse. It's a simple way to emotionally blackmail you into avoiding the subject. Clearly it's working too, but not in the way she may want it to.
    TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her.
    The thing is no matter what you say or how often you say it, if she doesn't believe that, then you're wasting your time saying it. As I said I think it's an excuse anyway to avoid the issue.
    For 10 months now I've been doing my best, trying to be as patient as possible.
    If you've been acting the way you say you've been acting I think at this stage you have been very patient. I see you noted that intercourse is not the be all and end all and that's true, but that angle of thinking is a tad overdone by some. Yes it's good not to be fixated on that aspect of sex and it will make you a more considerate lover if you don't get fixated, but baby with the bathwater here. Let's be honest from a purely physical standpoint heterosexual intercourse is the endpoint of the sex act(for obvious biological reasons). If you're with a person you love all aspects including intercourse should be on the plate all things being equal. The fact that she can switch off even with foreplay is not a good sign.

    I honestly think you need to be more strident about making your feelings known about this and trying to get to the bottom of what ails her. Don't take the emotional blackmail excuse either. This is for her sake as well.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Advertisement
  • #7
    Knockoff Nige
    Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Knockoff Nige


    Maybe I missed it but how old are you both?


  • #8
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 24,718 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Mate, wake up, you don't have a girlfriend. You have a girl you play gay best friend to.

    Boards.ie need your help to survive, subscribe here



  • #9
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Knockoff Nige, previous post says they are both 19...

    OP, I'm failing to see how this issue isn't of your gf making as well...not only is she the one stone-walling your attempts at intimacy, she is refusing to discuss the problem she has with it.

    You sound like you are breaking your back bending over to accommodate her lack of intimacy - that doesn't sound like much fun to me. You say sex isn't the be be-all & end-all of a relationship but I think it can be a relationship breaker. Everyone has needs and wants whether they be physical or emotional & they are no less important than their partners wants or needs. Most important is the ability or discuss each others differing needs & wants & compromise to meet somewhere in the middle.

    Your gf has to discuss this with you, it's just not fair to expect anyone to tag along with a long-term relationship not knowing why their partner doesn't want to have sex with them. Your gf may well have deeper seated issues that she is refusing to confront or she may not be comfortable with sex before marriage or a whole heap of other things but refusing to discuss her reason is not fair on you. Having sex is normal part of the majority of peoples sex lives, you deserve an explanation why it isn't part of yours so you know if this is a permanent arangement or one that will evaporate with help or over time.

    I think ultimately it's a case of getting your gf to acknowledge you are not happy with things they way they are & discussing how you (as a couple) can can move forward. You also have to consider she will not discuss or change & you will have to live with the status quo or start looking for another partner who shares your wants, needs & ability for intimacy. Best of luck.


  • #10
    rgunning
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 216 ✭✭rgunning


    You seem to be putting a hell of a lot of work into this relationship responding to her needs and she isn't doing the same. A good relationship requires both people to work at it, and that ain't happening here. The important thing to identify here is if she thinks there is anything wrong with a long term relationship with no physical intimacy. there are a few scenarios here then

    1) She thinks everything is hunky-dory as is, and doesn't want to change her attitude to sex. That's grand, fair play to her for sticking to her guns. However, it is painfully obvious that you are not okay with things this way. Net result: you ain't getting any from this relationship.

    2) She has some genuine phobia to sex for whatever reason. If she wants to work through it, get professional help and stand by her. Things should get better.

    3) If she doesn't, well - she doesn't want to put any work in to your relationship, which is not good.

    One thing is for certain, playing mind games, begging for sex, or just plain waiting it out isn't going to solve anything. Talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk about issues that are important to you - well, that's almost a textbook example of a bad relationship.

    TBH - and I'm probably going to get it in the neck for this - I really see this going to a break-up. Not, and I repeat, NOT over the sex, but over the fact that there is no good lines of communication between the two of you over the sticky issues. My tips for this - once you decide, do it. If she says she will change, etc. - don't reverse your decision. That is brinkmanship, threatening a break-up to get sex. And it will define your relationship from then on.

    But before you decide on that - definitely give her a chance to talk . State clearly that this is important to you - not to have sex, but to have a good discussion about it that explains things and leaves you both feeling better about it.

    If she doesn't want to do that - my advice: Dump (softly)


  • #11
    K-9
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 43,316 ✭✭✭✭K-9


    You have a very patient attitude.

    It looks like there're other issues at play here. Intimacy, sexuality, low sex drive or maybe even a history of abuse.

    Also, what age are you and is there a chance the girl is a virgin?

    I take it though you've already asked her that. It's time for some communication now and if she's not willing to open up! ;) soon (not just in that way) well it looks like you've invested enough time in this relationship.

    Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.



  • Advertisement
  • #12
    king_of_inismac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,372 ✭✭✭king_of_inismac


    The point is nobody knows why she's shying away from intimacy here. Maybe she has a low sex drive, maybe she was abused, maybe she find it painful, maybe she has trust issues. Who knows? Its not an easy thing to talk about for anyone, so you need to broach the issue carefully...

    This guy doesn't want to cut and leave, he wants to fix the problem. Telling him to move on isn't healthy. If we all did that when we encountered a problem in a relationship, we'd all be single!

    Sure, she's the reason that there is a problem with sex, but blaming her, condemning her etc is not going to fix the problem.

    If you love her, give her a chance. Work through it with her. If she does have a very low sex drive, or some other issue that can't be changed, then at least you can leave her knowing you tried your best!


  • #13
    cance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,562 ✭✭✭cance


    Sleepy wrote:
    Mate, wake up, you don't have a girlfriend. You have a girl you play gay best friend to.

    exactly,

    OP I've been there, save yourself some time here and get straight to the problem with her.

    let me guess, you approach the subject with her as nice as possible but she gets pissed off/upset for being "blamed", rather than discussing it in a intelligent manner? so the evening ends in cuddles, i love you's and the subject is forgotten the next day?

    find yourself a new partner, you shouldnt be made feel like a pervert for expecting sexual gratification in a relationship, if she has issues and refuses to discuss them, so be it, dont make them your issues by being led on.


  • #14
    Galadriel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,301 ✭✭✭Galadriel


    I know its very hard to bring it up knowing its going to upset her, but the alternative is that you remain upset, it will only become more frustrating as time goes by; you need to sit her down and make her realise you HAVE to have this conversation, that you aren't doing it to make her feel bad but that the problem affects BOTH of you.

    Tell her how you feel, tell her everything you have said here, no matter what things will not be fixed over night but if she agrees to maybe work towards becoming more intimate with you (and not just for a few weeks and then back to square one) that will give you some hope, but if she says shes happy and wants things to remain as they are then I'm afraid you have a difficult decison to make.

    Good luck.


  • #15
    K-9
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 43,316 ✭✭✭✭K-9


    cance wrote:
    exactly,
    you shouldnt be made feel like a pervert for expecting sexual gratification in a relationship, if she has issues and refuses to discuss them, so be it, dont make them your issues by being led on.

    And of course her gratification too. Maybe point out that you want her to be pleasured as well, it's all part of it.

    Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.



  • #16
    purpledragon677
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭purpledragon677


    you have every reason to feel that way

    if i would you i would sit here down tell her you love her and you love being with her but tat your kinda worried tat the spark is gone and your worried bout loosin her.

    its obvious your crazy bout her and rely do love her but for a relationship to work there is gotta be honesty and if you dont tell her know it will build up worse and you mite end up sayin it in a way you dont mean


  • #17
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    I'd be interested to know if you followed my advice from last time and I'd like to know how that went?


  • #18
    vorbis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭vorbis


    dude break up!
    But here we are in this otherwise full-blown relationship in which she talks openly about our "future" together and expects me to do long-term BF stuff like come/stay home from my friends or a party just to call her to say goodnight. I stay in her house with her family all the time. I splashed out (with her fully expecting me to) on many presents for her for her birthday. Basically gave her everything she wanted. Sadly, sex and physical intimacy don't seem to be things she wants. Which leaves me wanting.

    Was I the only one to read this piece and think control freak?! She also sounds selfish from that description. On top of this, she doesn't want to have sex with you. Sounds like she is just using you. She knows you like her and seems to be stringing you along just for the attention.


  • #19
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    How long are you in this relationship? And why are you in this relationship?

    Not to say sex is all there is, but it's an important part of a healthy relationship. It sounds like she's getting what she wants, and you're not getting what you want, or at least a significant aprt of it.

    Without passing comment on your gf, I have to ask, why do you just roll over and accept it when she starts crying and says she feels you blame her for this problem? I ask this because I feel that you SHOULD blame her at this point, since you've made the effort to broach and resolve the problem, and she seems to have made no effort, op top of this she EXPECTS you to do the bf thing, (i.e. as you said buying everyone presents and all that claptrap) and yet she's not willing to make the effort on her side.

    To be honest, I'd have difficulty justifying a relationship like this, sicne it sounds like you're being used. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there's something you're getting out of this which supercedes your need for sex, but if that's so, then why are you posting here?

    I think you ened to be blunt with her, no backing down because she turns on the waterworks, and if she's not will to make some kind of an effort then show her the door.

    Just so we're clear, "some kind of an effort" does not mean sexual favours, (although it could mean that which would be just dandy), but it most definitely SHOULD involved her talking honestly with you about this, so that the two of you can come to an agreement as to the best way to proceed in a manner that satisfies you both.


  • #20
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    Sleepy wrote:
    Mate, wake up, you don't have a girlfriend. You have a girl you play gay best friend to.
    Couldn't have put it better. She wants a friend, buddy. You are going to wake up in a few months/years and she's going to hit you with "I love you - but more like a brother. This is really hard but I think we should split up".

    Ask yourself: Are you lovers?

    You know what you need to do.


  • #21
    Talliesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    unrollerblades2 wrote:
    She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her. TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her.
    From this it sounds like neither of you are happy with how things are - it's not a matter of a disagreement on where your relationship should be sexually.

    I think counselling might be a good idea.


  • Advertisement
  • #22
    How Strange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,337 ✭✭✭How Strange


    Originally Posted by unrollerblades2
    She hates talking about it because she feels it's her fault and that I blame her. TBH it's getting harder and harder to honestly assure her I don't blame her.

    OP, it seems to me that either a) your gf has serious issues with intimacy and emotional or she just doesn't fancy you physically and her idea of a relationship is to have bf at her beck and call. That is not meant to be insulting to you but its something I have heard male friends say before. Namely that they have no physical intimacy with their gf's and these are people in late 20's/early 30's.

    My advice, as a woman, is to sit this girl down and have a very difficult but frank discussion with her. How long can you continue playing the good (celiabte) samaritan? Frankly, I think from your post you deserve more and you have every right to expect a physical side to your relationship. It is part of the intimacy of being in a relationship along with all the things you seem to be doing together at the moment ie holidays etc

    You are in your late teens/early 20's and I think you have a noble sense of duty towards this girl but it mightn't necessarily be love. If she won't discuss this issue as an adult without crying then I think you should move on and find a girl who will appreciate that you are a kind, caring but also sexual young man and who will treat you as an equal in a relationship. I think you are probably wasting your time with this girl and her crying is an immature tactic to get out of discussing having sex. Give it one last serious try but then do yourself a favour and move on. You are young so enjoy your 20's, you shouldn't have these worries at your age. There is plenty of time for this serious adult stuff later on. :)
    Talliesin Quote:I think counselling might be a good idea.

    I don't see why at 19/20 you should have to go to counselling. The awful dramatics of falling in and out of love is all part of being that age but counselling? I'm not so sure. And for what? To find out that this girl is emotionally immature and manipulative. Save your money.

    Usually when you read these posts you see a fault in the OP, something they are blind to but IMO you seem like a genuinely decent, caring young person that most girls would love to have as a bf. Don't waste your life and your decency on someone who doesn't deserve you.


  • #23
    Talliesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    How Strange wrote:
    I don't see why at 19/20 you should have to go to counselling. The awful dramatics of falling in and out of love is all part of being that age but counselling? I'm not so sure. And for what? To find out that this girl is emotionally immature and manipulative. Save your money.
    Because she herself isn't happy with it and isn't able to just change.

    Same reason anyone goes for counselling.


  • #24
    How Strange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,337 ✭✭✭How Strange


    Talliesin Quote:
    Because she herself isn't happy with it and isn't able to just change.

    Same reason anyone goes for counselling.

    Yes, but she is quite happy to talk about their future, go on holidays, get the OP to buy presents for her family, get him to stay in away from his friends. I am cynical but I think this girl would change in a second if it suited her.

    My point is that counselling will only reveal that the gf is being selfish and immature. And then what? Is she automatically going to start having a sexual relationship with the OP? I don't think so and I do suspect that the physical attraction may just not be there on her part. They are together almost a year and there is no physical intimacy. If she has issues then SHE should go to counselling but I don't see that the OP should have to go to.

    I still think he is being taken for a mug and until he stands up to her and makes her act like an adult then this will continue. I would hate to think that the OP would stay in this relationship and think that this is normal.

    IMO, if counselling is on the table as an option then she should go, not him. Let her get her issues sorted out but this guy has been through the ringer already trying to appease and please this girl without having to attend counselling for her issues too.


  • #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Yeah, Beruthiel, I pretty much tried what you said in the last thread. It went a lot like cance guessed:
    cance wrote:
    exactly,

    OP I've been there, save yourself some time here and get straight to the problem with her.

    let me guess, you approach the subject with her as nice as possible but she gets pissed off/upset for being "blamed", rather than discussing it in a intelligent manner? so the evening ends in cuddles, i love you's and the subject is forgotten the next day?

    ...As for the foreplay thing, well, I haven't even had a chance to practice it, have I?

    A couple of things (that I'm sure will seem vital now that I mention them) that I forgot to mention: She's on a couple of medications that quite probably do affect her sex drive. She's on the pill due to an irregular period and is on anti-depressants since last february or so. So I guess it's probably not her fault she doesn't want the relationship to be as physical as I do.

    So we had a big conversation about it last night. I told her first that I loved her, loved being with her and wanted to continue doing so. Then I told her that I was getting worried about us again. Took a few minutes for me to get it out but I tolder her it was the same old issue rearing it's head: our lack of physical anything in the relationship.

    She was upset/pissed off I had brought it up again. Because she hates talking about it. Apparently she feels it sets her back to square one. She reckons her problem is that she thinks about the sex thing too much and it plays on her mind in a negative way. She thinks that if she can avoid having to even think about for long enough, then it'll happen. Because she won't have been worrying about it.

    So I asked her what she gets from being with me, and what she wants from being with me. She says she gets "me" and wants just what we have now; that she's happy with what we have now. I put it to her that everything we actually get from being together, we could probably get from just being mates. After a little bit of this back and forth, cue her crying, going on about how she has so much going on right now and she's finally happy with her situation and she won't jeopardise that having to worry about the missing physical bits from our relationship. Which I suppose is fair enough. She needs to do whatever keeps her happy, just like I need to. Apart from not wanting sex etc, she's got a pretty sound attitude toward relationships; which is to suit oneself.

    At this point I could feel it all getting hopeless and saw the end nearing. I asked her if she saw her feelings on the issue changing and she said she didn't know. She says she doesn't know how she feels about the sex thing and she can't guarantee she'll know how she feels. That basically I'll just have to plough ahead into the dark, as it were, not knowing where the relationship is really going. Basically what it boils down to is that she obviously expects me to take a gamble; a leap of faith so to speak, to wait and see if she turns out in the future to actually want anything resembling a sex life. I guess she thinks it would prove my devotion to or love for her or some **** like that.

    I said I guessed we really wanted different things. She said, so we may as well just break up, then hadn't we? I know she didn't really mean that, but at the same time, the idea didn't seem to disturb her too much or anything. Which I guess is fair enough.

    I don't know exactly what happened after that point, I got all teary-eyed at the idea of breaking up right then. I thought; "It'll definitely happen for us. How can it not? I love this girl. It'd be foolish to throw this away when we surely will ultimately have a great sex life." She asked me repeatedly if I was unhappy with us. She put this question to me like she meant "are you happy or not - are you in or are you out?". I told her I was happy on the whole, yes. But that some of the time this made me unhappy. That I could definitely stand to be happier. As soon as I told her about it making me not happy some of the time, she hugged me and told me she was sorry. I guess at that point I knew we weren't breaking up. I said "It'll definitely happen for us, right?" She said "yeah."


    As of now I don't know how I feel. I know that I no longer have the right to bitch and moan about the lack of physical intimacy we have, because she laid it all right out there for me; told me she probably wasn't going to change anytime soon. And yet I stayed with her. So whatever I'm putting myself through is 100% my own witting doing, now.

    But I still have doubts. I'm 20 years old. I probably shouldn't be in a long termer anyway. I feel like this is the girl I should have met when I'm 25 or 26. When we're both fully grown and she's ready to have an adult relationship. Not when I'm 20.

    I know people are gonna tell me I'm a weak idiot for not breaking it off there and then. What can I say? Some kind of silly romantic notion entered my head for a brief period there during the argument last night. Even though I'm unhopeful, I wanna see this one through 'till I know there's no hope. 'Till I know I did everything I could. That way I can walk away with no doubts or regrets.

    Any opinion on how I handled that? Advice on how to proceed? :\
    Thanks again'


  • #26
    How Strange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,337 ✭✭✭How Strange


    OP, I've said before that you are obviously a very noble and good person. But I think the writing is on the wall for this. You are afraid to break up with her but you've had the talk, she isn't going to change and she knows you are more into her than she is into you so you won't walk away too easily. Hence why she brought up the issue of breaking up.

    It's your decision now. No-one can give you anymore advice really. You can stay in that situation or you can leave.

    Good luck no matter what you decide.


  • #27
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    20! Dude I'd be gone out that door so fast. Leave her sort her own stuff out. You can't "fix" your girlfriend, mate, go enjoy a normal healthy relationship because she's pulling your strings like a puppet.


  • #28
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    unrollerblades2 wrote:
    She was upset/pissed off I had brought it up again. Because she hates talking about it. Apparently she feels it sets her back to square one. She reckons her problem is that she thinks about the sex thing too much and it plays on her mind in a negative way. She thinks that if she can avoid having to even think about for long enough, then it'll happen. Because she won't have been worrying about it.
    Sure that'll work, why didn't anyone else think about that - it's all so simple! Just ignore the problem, bury your head in the sand, and everything will be ok! Classic.
    OP the only way this problem will resolve itself is when you finally sum up the courage to leave.
    You are not being a helpless romantic by sticking around, you are just proving to her that you are a push over. Sometime further down the line she'll meet someone who won't take her crap and she'll fall head over heals for him. They'll have a great sex life, and you'll be left picking up the pieces.

    I'll ask you again - are you lovers? or are you friends?


  • #29
    cance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,562 ✭✭✭cance


    Its like this mate,

    She doesnt want to have it, you do. If you try to convince her into it, or she see's the debate as "its sex, or its over", I'd personally feel like i was taking advantage of the girl.

    You're 20 years old, and should be having some fun. It can be mighty frustrating being in this situation, i know it can. The sexual frustration alone is sucking the fun out of your relationship and often results in you resenting your partner for it.

    You love this girl i know, but you have to look after yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, i know its cliché but there are many many more women out there that you could love just as much and find what you are you are lacking in this relationship.

    Break up. She will cry, you might too and it will sting now, but this girl isn't ready for an adult intimate relationship. Who knows what will happen down the line, but break up mate she needs to realise she cant have her cake and eat it.


  • #30
    king_of_inismac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,372 ✭✭✭king_of_inismac


    I think you handled the situation very well, and normally I'd advise you to wait with her in situations like this, but in this case I'd say it would be a mistake.

    Imagine for a minute she came to you and said SHE had a problem with your sex life. Imagine if she said she was happy in the relationship but just wanted more sex/less sex/more oral etc. Now imagine what your reply would be.

    Would you say to her, "Well I prefer things exactly the way they are, and I'm not willing to change, take it or leave it!"?

    I very much doubt you would, and that's exactly what she has done. If she had at any stage suggested that she'd try to improve the situation, or ease your worries, I'd be advising you to wait with her.

    You sound like a good guy who's trying to look after someone he loves, but at the same time you've got to look after yourself as well.

    Best of luck,
    M


  • Advertisement
  • #31
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Zulu wrote:
    Sure that'll work, why didn't anyone else think about that - it's all so simple! Just ignore the problem, bury your head in the sand, and everything will be ok! Classic.
    The golden oldies are the best, aren't they?
    OP the only way this problem will resolve itself is when you finally sum up the courage to leave.
    Bingo.
    You are not being a helpless romantic by sticking around, you are just proving to her that you are a push over.
    At this stage the OP has proved he's not some mindless cock on legs and has been very patient. I would be patient myself and have been in the past, but enough's enough. Her emotional blackmail guff over this issue proves to me that she's not going to change her mind. Why should she, you're going along with it.
    Sometime further down the line she'll meet someone who won't take her crap and she'll fall head over heals for him. They'll have a great sex life, and you'll be left picking up the pieces.
    I would put good money on that.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



Advertisement